EP 37: The Last Eligible Billionaire by Pippa Grant

foreign [Music] ladies and gentlemen Guys and Dolls and everyone in between gather round something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on cause it's time for smut Club here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna [Music] hi everybody and welcome to smut Club hey y'all I'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea and as we said this is smart Club yep you know if if you're on this episode this probably isn't your first one you know what we're doing here yep um but welcome we're glad you're here

today I'm drinking I actually Hannah I'm cheating on bota box and I felt a little guilty about it not that Boda Box gives a [ __ ] they're fine but I'm like it we're not sponsored by motobox but it'd be a lot cooler if we were but also I'm not drinking bota box so um we're not sponsored by hijinks either but it'd be a lot cooler if we were Hannah's drinking Moto box I am I didn't know that Chelsea brought me my already poured beverage so it's a pretty heavy pour it is a little bit

like part of me wants you to drink all of it while you review this book but then part of me is also like will that go off the rails we're gonna find out we will find out at least we have goals and you know the goals as we move into this episode that I finish this also I meant to tell you your manicure and pedicure look very nice thank you I specifically noted them earlier thank you self-care for the win last night I had had a little bit of wine and I was like Matt I

was trying to do a nude nail color and when the lights are lower it's very much nude but it's a little more peachy in the light and he goes he did a really good job honey and then I was like you did it yourself no but I picked the color and I was really proud of it I was going to call it like a light pumpkin it is that's a good yes yeah it's a light pumpkin and I I was like thank you and you know what it matches my underwear too and he was like yep basically invisible honey you did a

really great job I was like thanks honey like that was the affirmation I was looking for I was like oh like my heart was so warm and that's how I knew I needed to go to sleep you went too far your heart was warm from the compliment or the wine or both a little column a little column B yeah touche yeah all right what book are we reviewing today the last eligible billionaire by Pippa Grant we love a good billionaire book and we really do all these like 20 maybe 30 year old billionaires that like

it's nepotism yeah and yet they're like I've worked my ass off to get here I'm like you got an internship at your daddy's company and I don't even know what this book is oh no that tracks 100 yeah but they're like have you read this I not that one I've read a lot of books with billionaire that I don't okay I was dying laughing one of my co-workers text me last night and was like Chelsea have you read anything by Carla Sorensen or whatever her name is and I was like

I think so let me check and I like open Goodreads and then I text her back I was like yeah so I've read like nine books by her she's like nine and I was like well she's written a lot of books they were series like don't make me feel weird about it apparently they like live in the same town and she like has like a mutual connection she's like let me know if you want me to uh make a introduction for you and I was like oh I was like well we've we've pissed off a couple authors

we have a little bit I was like I don't for the sake of your windows because I don't live in the same state as this co-worker I was like for the sake of your windows not getting busted in in this introduction yeah maybe we'll leave it but I also feel like all of Carla's books are like that like they're all like sweet Sports romance right right where you know what to expect I like feel that with like billionaire books as well right you're like I know roughly like I don't I don't know what's

comfortable yes and this is no exception and we are you know we're bimbos for billionaires and I feel like we've settled into it is that going to be in our future merch oh my God those for billionaires yes it should be um transfer trillionaires um is it not so meat cute by Megan Quinn I don't know I've read so much Megan Quinn lately I've been on a Megan Quinn binge I Can't Tell You Why so the girl is like walking down the street looking for a rich husband and the other dude is walking down the

street looking for a fake fiance but she's like read an article I'm like how to get a rich man or something and they're like braids the answer is brave what I feel like Megan Quinn's books out of pocket they are out of [ __ ] pocket it's the the truest thing like there are some things that have like because you and I have text about like the one yeah with the blow job yep where the girl was like I'm really insecure about myself and like my partner always put me down sexually

and then her first time ever giving this guy a [ __ ] she puts her finger up his ass it is it is a hard left the whole time and it's not even just the the sexual things in her book in her books because I texted you last night about the one I'm reading right now where like it's this group of friends and it's based on the Atlanta Braves basically but they're called the Atlanta Warriors I just read it because it was set in Atlanta I was like oh that might be fun you're like I live in

Georgia this is great yeah I lived in Atlanta for a long time this will be fun and um yeah so it's all these baseball players it's like group of friends whatever and this girl's fiance is a special operator for the U.S military and his plane goes down and he dies three days before their wedding and then two years later she's been wild now but she decides she's ready to like get better and whatever so she makes dinner for this guy who's really interested in her and has invited him over to her

house and she opens the door and it's her dead fiancee I was like what the [ __ ] is happening right now what did you read one true loves um by um who wrote Daisy and the six I don't remember Taylor I want to say like Taylor read Jenkins or Taylor Jenkins read or something I could also be very off on this and I have my phone but I'm not going to check I'm just going to live I'm I'm just you know just going to live I was gonna say like the 90s or like before the internet

but then I was like no I'm just going to live period um well that was like her husband had died on a trip or something and then years later she's like dating someone about to be engaged I don't remember something and then the guy her husband hadn't died but he like was like surviving on an island and had finally made his way back like Castaway style a little bit like like came back like had like scars and like I think he was like missing fingers I don't know it was a long time since I read it um

but it was one of those where then she's like trying to reconcile who she is in her new life since leaving him it was a little bit more like poignant and a little less like rom-commy yeah I mean this isn't ROM call me it's just straight soap opera e it's not very poignant it's not there's not a lot of depth there and there's not a lot of depth in the book review of today yes we could continue on this whole entire thing but the last eligible billionaire Pippa Grant so

I really enjoyed this book and I wanted to review it for a little while but I kept putting it off because like the magic of this book is in the like banter it's in the one-liners and so you miss a lot of the like magic okay that's how I felt when we reviewed my killer vacation like I was like as I was reviewing it I was like I'm doing this book a disservice yeah because I can't capture the quick wit and the banter exactly so I'm gonna do my best but we'll see how

it goes we forgive you in advance thank you I appreciate it and you should forgive yourself I'll work on it it's a journey every day a therapist trust the process so um Haze is our main man okay um and we open with him he is arriving he has this like secret beach house and um in Maine and he's wanting some down time he is coming from his brother's wedding and immediately prior to that he had um An Unexpected death in the family and of his cousin that he was tight with so

he was at a funeral and then a wedding and he is like apparently introvert to the max his social battery is done he's over it so he's going to his beach house to like recharge and have some alone time and he's exhausted um and so he uh gets to the house and he finds it trashed there is like clothing everywhere the refrigerator door is standing open there's like it's just a disaster so he is like some like oh oh never mind this question doesn't matter I mean I kind of did I'm gonna ask it

anyway I changed my mind like someone partied there trash or like a storm came through partied okay yeah and um what I loved about the like the introduction to Haze in this is that when he gets there and he finds the fridge door open the thing that enrages him more than apparently somebody has broken into his house is that there was a cheesecake in the refrigerator that is now ruined and he finds that unfucking acceptable like his rage level goes like I already like Hayes so high so I feel

the same about cheesecake right yeah it's a passion so he hears music and he follows it up to his bedroom in his bathroom where he hears the worst singing he's ever heard in his life and um he discovers an intruder in the bathroom and she's got some kind of goop on her face she is wearing his silk robe wide open trying to shave her vagina with her hair up in a towel um and so for some reason at this point Pippa decides to rather than tell us what the [ __ ] is going on she explains more about

Hayes family history so his mother doesn't matter I mean it will damn it I just want to know what's going on I was trying to decide like should I tell you and then but I'm just gonna take you out on the journey when Kristin Ashley starts like going on about someone's wardrobe I was like that man does not look at like I'm like the way she describes the men looking at women's clothing no I'm like okay and I was like hey just get there faster Kristen just get there faster no this is relevant and

important so his mom has been trying to set him up with someone trying to marry him off and he is over it he wants no part of it um his family is some kind of like Disney Hallmark situation media conglomerate yeah so they have these like cute little hallmarky type movies that are very like um non-controversial very like easy fun but they also have a theme park for some reason so I don't know so did I read this book no because I feel like I just read one where I was very

confused because it was another like media conglomerate where they were like theme parks yeah and shows so okay and I did I read this I don't think I did but this sounds the family Dynamic is this a series no well [ __ ] man okay we're just gonna keep rolling so um oh I'm sorry she wasn't shaving she was waxing my notes say waxing her bachango have you ever tried to home wax not my bajango I wasn't going did you get there anyway I'll just there was wax everywhere like so my sister

my sister's a stylist my sister like does what like as she had the home waxing stuff and she had historically like done my legs for me and she was like I'm too busy but it's not that hard here's my setup so I took it home to Tobias Funke on Arrested Development with the blue paint where I was like I just kept finding like sticky things everywhere I was like this this was harder than I anticipated and Messier yeah yeah it was like I I thought the wax would be easier to

control than it was no okay so she she wasn't trying to shave what oh I have questions about did none of these questions matter I mean you can ask them like did she bring her own waxing kit did he have waxing supplies there I imagine she brought her own because we're gonna she she was trying to do a home Spa thing because she had a mask and whatever um or it could also be like the um pre-made waxing strips where you're not doing the hot wax right we were once on

family vacation and my family told me I had a mustache and then when they were buying groceries they bought me waxing strips for life or is it honest and helpful Hannah was it honest and helpful it can be both mean and helpful like fair enough when my sister cut all of her hair off and dyed it brown and then when she came home from college and it was greasy and I told her she looked like Snape like it was a hard truth but it really felt like no one else was was going to

be brave enough to tell her yeah if you can't be honest with your sisters who can you be honest with really exactly yeah so like here's the thing was it a little mean sure did I have a mustache also yes it was actually very nice of them to buy four and over the years so it's like stocking stuffers at Christmas they'll put in like the little like little the little tiny razors yeah the face razors they'll put those in so thoughtful it is yeah yeah we're a hairy family hmm as long as you know

that about yourselves right we're a supportive but hairy people okay so she's trying to homework she is she is trying to home wax her lady bits and he goes to confront her and she starts flipping the [ __ ] out and throwing anything she can grab at him including an electric toothbrush and she's screaming marshmallow at the top of her lungs and he is like is this some kind of weird sex thing is marshmallow a safe word I don't understand what is happening right now

um and yeah yeah her tits are waving in the wind this this robe is wide open he's getting full frontal green [ __ ] all over her face it's a mess and um he realizes all of a sudden I don't know why he didn't pick this up when she initially started screaming but he realizes like oh my God she's terrified of me right now maybe I should calm down so he like pulls back a little bit um well that's good insight and she's like I rented this house and he's like no you didn't because it's mine and

she's like no I I paid for it and um as they are having this argument um a dog apparently marshmallow comes flying out of nowhere trying to attack him so that's our that's our opener that's our opener so Brandon is sitting here lovingly looking in my eyes he really is and he I'm sorry to interrupt you you're the worst attack dog he would like whenever he barks at people walking past it's never to be protective it's always because he wants to alert them to his presence just in case they

want to come become his new best friend yeah what about Indy um Andy has a pretty mean bark and she can be she can be pretty intimidating but the issue is and this has happened a couple of times like once she hopped the pen the fence at my parents house because she saw a deer and she took off after it and she caught it she caught all the way up to it and then it was like she was like I didn't think I would make it this far and she like freaked out and started

like backing up because she was like I don't know what to do now and so I don't think it's like oh the deer called my bluff I was not prepared yeah so I think she's she is a good like intimidation Factor but I don't know that she has the follow through Gizmo definitely doesn't he's paralyzed yeah dogs that have to wear diapers yeah um don't scream intimidation and I say that as someone whose dog sometimes has to wear diapers hey bud sweet boy you're perfect anyway

so begonia is our lady she is freaking begonia does she does she go by gony nope she goes by begonia I was waiting for a nickname like Mia or something nope begonia B begonia okay begonia and Haze yep got it so she's freaking out she's got no cell service at this place um she was trying to give herself a post-divorce getaway and a little bit of a makeover and um they continue to argue that she rented the house so um he makes some like Sly comment about like you know her appearance because she is

looking rough as [ __ ] um and um yeah he's like this is not a good look for you like looks the situation yeah was it it's not very nice but In fairness she broke into his house she rented it he didn't know that it's been a rough week for him so not her and her everyone's just trying their best in this scenario very true so marshmallow the dog failed out of service animal training not because he couldn't perform the tasks but because he does them however and whenever he sees fit so

he just literally does whatever he wants um so um they eventually argue about like going over this rental agreement she swears she has um and as they're arguing marshmallow steals Hayes's phone and just runs out with it just runs away with it and Hayes is pissed oh he's so ready to be done with everything so we're back to Hayes um the dog took his phone to the wireless charger and set it up on it helpful hey man I saw your battery was low just thought I'd be of assistance lesson um and so then

begonia finally realizes who he is and who his family is and she starts like gushing because his brother is like the main leading guy in all of the movies but Hayes has never had any part of that so she's like gushing about his brother and his family and stuff um and she taken the mask off at this point she has now okay she has now and she also had dye in her hair so she she was really having a moment so um she gets all emotional when he asks for her last name and she's like I'm

sorry I just picked it this is the first time I've ever told anybody what my last name is and he's like what the [ __ ] is happening just get out of my house he's really not into it so um he's also now having an allergic reaction because he's allergic to dogs so his face is puffing up and he's starting to have some trouble breathing so um she can't stop rambling she's just going on and on um and uh the dog also apparently accidentally called his mother which is not something that he wanted to

happen so now his mom knows where he is and is bringing some prospective wives to him to his to his house he's not happy about it um his brother that just got married when he married his wife he left Hayes as the last eligible billionaire oh in the world in the world yep only one um so uh begonia has been hoping to ReDiscover herself she goes out and out of the shower and she finds she's like thinking through like well this didn't go to plan I was trying to like get back in touch

with myself she gets out of the shower and she realizes that her dog took all the towels and her clothes and so um she's not pleased he's in the bathroom Hayes is in or in the bedroom excuse me waiting for her um and he put the dog outside but the dog can open doors and so he just comes right back in when he's done um and so she tells him he she's naked and tries to like slip through to get into the the closet and she falls and get my notes say basically gives him a

straight shot of her waxed beaver fair enough or her half waxy she didn't she never finished the wax so it's not going well for either of them um and she basically she's thinking through like her ex was super controlling and like really unkind to her which is why she left the house trashed because he her ex was always like you know everything had to be perfect and blah blah blah um and yeah what well I know I'm trying to think of like what is important to share here because

there's so many cute details but I'm like if I get lost in the details we'll be here forever um so I'll give you this detail because it's cute so Hayes has also showered when she meets him downstairs and he is wearing um PJs with hands dancing hamsters on them and she's gonna say that again pajama bottoms with dancing hamsters I thought you said ham dancing hamsters and I was like what is that I don't know dancing hamsters dancing hamsters so I'm gonna see that I'm not crying because this

book is making me so emotional I was gonna say it is poignant is the word of the day yes so um begonias hair she left the dye on for entirely too long because of the whole situation with Haze so now it's like bright maroon like it's glowing maroon um some people pay extra for that so some people do so he takes her phone and tries to pull up her email to look at the rental agreement and as it's pulling up she has like 34 000 unread emails nope and he is having an absolute meltdown about

it and tells her she needs psychological help and so she just responds and says my therapist is great and has been very helpful through this entire divorce and that's the energy of like the entire book where people are try to like put begonia down or like embarrass her or something and she's just super sweet in response and people who just don't know what to do with her because of it um yeah my notes say what a queen um so um yeah so mom is on the way what you just keep going so um

nobody but I'm curious what details I'm not getting but then I agree where I'm like it seemed like this book is just like nothing but cute details then it's hard to pair them down it is it really is so I just did it again I'm sorry I wasn't trying to make you feel weird damn it I just like see you processing and trying to figure out which details to include or not uh have another sip of wine okay it's a big one it is that was more than a sip it was close to a gold

so okay this is a detail that is not important but it's funny so he gets a text from his brother he's like you know mom's on the way and he's like yeah I [ __ ] know and he's like the only way you're gonna get out of dealing with her right now is to find some paparazzi and find a special effects guy and pretend to drown some puppies in front of the paps so that Mom will leave you alone or find a girl and pretend to be madly in love if I just find the closest girl

so couldn't you guess what happens next I can't I'm this one's a real nail biter yeah so um head scratcher was the one I was looking for now biter was not the one I was looking for but it is the one I committed to yeah we're not that on edge but marshmallow then wanders into the room with a Priceless piece of art in his mouth that he has chewed on and um yeah so I did it again I'm gonna hear it now every time I do it uh sorry so he um tells begonia not to move or speak or

breathe don't even look at him because she's like I can fix it I'm pretty sure I can fix it and he's like you can't you literally cannot that was commissioned by my family it is the sculpture we had made of my grandfather your dog literally chewed his head off like you can do nothing that's not a good one no so Hayes comes back a few minutes later and says that she's going to be his fake girlfriend or he's gonna sue her for 10 million dollars that's one way to to do that and she's like um

he's like going on and on about there might even be enough time for us to fake an engagement as well we'll just see how it goes but you will be my fake girlfriend sign on the dotted line is there an actual contract there is okay he had one drawn up he left her there she she was like am I allowed to get off the floor I don't think I am I'll just stay here so um she's like wait a minute wait a minute are you gay because wait the other question did he find the contract

and he left her and went and called his attorney not not that contract the one for her renting the place yes yeah so his he had like a caretaker groundskeeper person for the house um who apparently decided to move in with his girlfriend and then his girlfriend broke up with him and got really really pissed at him so she listed it on like 12 different vacation rental sites for basically nothing and had overbooked it significantly so if Hayes hadn't shown up somebody else would have shown up

because other people have booked it um I was wondering about that mystery so yes I'm glad we got an answer there that was the nail biter that was the nail biter so she asks if he's gay she's like listen I will happily be your friend and I will support you but I will not be your beard your family needs to accept you for who you are that is unfucking acceptable she's like on one about it and he's like I'm not gay I literally just want to be left alone can you please sign the stupid piece of paper

um so she agrees and then Mom arrives just with a bunch of women in tow just two no yeah like I mean I guess if that's your world that it might not make you feel as weird but like I can't imagine being like hey hop in the car gonna drive you over to my son's house see if maybe you can lock them down yeah we're just gonna give it a go one of one of the women in fairness is his mother's assistant um and the other is the chick that mom's trying to hook him up with

so um only one that she's trying to set him up with yes but it's also pretty clear through this whole thing that the assistant is madly in love with Hayes and he's just not even paying attention to it um so when the mom walks in she immediately starts ordering begonia around and like telling her to retrieve their bags and all this stuff um and Hayes is like Mom this is this is my girlfriend not my housekeeper yeah and it's super duper awkward um and then um the chick that uh

mom is trying to hook up with Hayes uh begonia recognizes her she was on Dancing With the Stars or something and so um this girl is being super rude to begonia and begonia is like oh my God I was so rooting for you when you were on Dancing With the Stars you totally got robbed and she's like gushing about what an amazing job she did on Dancing With the Stars and nobody knows what to do like nobody knows how to handle her because they're clearly being terribly

rude and she's just bebopping along yeah so Hayes kisses her um in front of them to like seal the deal and she's like oh no that was a lot more enticing than I had hoped it would be enticing she didn't use that word that's just I was like intriguing no enticing I went with it and then I hated it but I had already committed I had already committed oh I like that kiss a lot more than I thought I would yes and uh so then marshmallow shows up and has a hot pink bra on his head because

he went into Amelia's luggage and just was rooting around in there so did he unzip her luggage as well he did he did so Hayes orders him to give it back and so he does and Amelia immediately like throws it around like trying to be sexy or whatever um and Hayes pulls begonia in front of him and she realizes it's because he's super hard and he's trying to hide his erection from his mother and she's like this is the most awkward thing that's ever happened to me he he was hard

because of Amelia's bra no I think because of their kiss is unclear but it seems to be because of their kids I do have some questions if her awkwardly waving a bra around that had been on a dog was enough no I don't think so I think it was the kiss so they're in his room because they can't sleep separately and um she's on the floor because she refuses to sleep in the bed with him and he's tossing and turning and tossing internally and finally she's just like get up move this is enough she light

some lavender incense and then gets in the bed with him and starts giving him like a scalp massage and he is super into it and like starts to finally relax because they're like not he's been touching her in front of everybody but outside of that like they've had no real nice interactions at all and so she's like I just want to go to sleep and you are driving me up a [ __ ] wall because you keep rolling around so um he finally falls asleep with her massaging his head

um and it's super funny because he's like the waves are crashing around because it's a beach house and he's like is is that a mermaid like looking at her like crazy hair because he's like half asleep um so it's the next day um begonia goes to get groceries by herself she sees Hayes riding in with the chick in a golf cart and he's like baby you can't just go places you need security and blah blah blah what trick Amelia the the Dancing with the Stars girl yeah okay um

so she convinces Hayes to walk back with her and let Amelia take the golf cart um and Amelia keeps making snide remarks about because begonia is like oh I just wanted to get groceries so I could cook everybody breakfast and blah blah blah and Amelia's like that's what the help is for like like really nasty kind of [ __ ] um but eventually she goes away these details I'm just gonna leave alone it's a great book if you want all of the little details read it but we will be

here for hours because it's super cute so I'm just gonna keep going so as they're walking they keep running into people like local people and begonia just like charms every single one of them and Hayes does not understand he's like this does not compute to my brain um but I don't trust it like that's his immediate thought he's like I don't I don't trust it so um with his upbringing it makes me sad for him but it also makes sense yeah and there's all kinds of history that comes later about that

um Hayes is thinking like he's finally relaxing as they're talking about their childhoods and stuff like that um and she shares that she's saving up to move or to move to just go visit Paris in a couple of years um and um don't mind my dog click clacking on the floor he's doing his best um Brandon where are you going he's exploring well that's like an active construction area behind that curtain oh yeah that's like the lobby to the studio the lobby no it actually like there's like an

exterior door oh I didn't know there was an exterior door I was like a Lobby how cute I was like no it's like an actual Lobby that's just unfinished um previously known as the murder room of this house yeah yes where when we bought this house um that room everything was unfinished or like it was like drywall had been thrown up but like completely unfinished past that there was like one dangling burned out light bulb oh no and some like really uh I don't know the right word for it I

want to say like rudimentary or almost like crude I think is the word I'm looking for like wooden shelving like it felt like where they like had historically kept tools or things like that right like you walked in and you're like someone has died here and in fact when we were at closing they're like if you ever get locked out of the house we're like yeah they're like so you know that exterior room that's only accessible from the outside there was no door in and and we went oh the murder room and

they go yeah that's the one I was like yikes oh so you two you guys also thought that this room was weird but they essentially told us they're like yeah you can crawl over the drywall and then what is now the studio used to be like a bedroom that had closets but there's no windows down here so like yeah you'd get a great night's sleep um very dark but they're like yeah you can crawl over the drywall into the closet then get into the house how great is that and I'm like

is it no I don't want to do that but then when as soon as Vance realized that like how it connected he's like I'm taking that wall out and building a recording studio and Alas and here we are but no there is an actual like Lobby exterior I'll show it to you when we're done recording that's so funny you're like oh cute Chelsea it's like a Lobby no an actual one uh hey Brandon make your choices bud so she's talking about Paris and she's saving up and she says it's gonna take her two more years to

save up all the money she needs to go um and he's like I'll just take you to Paris this weekend like obviously um and she says she doesn't want to because she hasn't earned it she's like no this is like this thing I'm working up towards like I don't wanna and he's like that's really dumb like I'm offering to take you to Paris for free come on like let's do it and then he realizes she's really scared about leaving marshmallow because obviously he has some very unique needs

and most people can't care for him and he's like marshmallow will be fine we'll figure it out um and she's like okay I guess so she finally agrees everything's great and then they keep discussing and he finally shares about how he sees the world and how he believes that basically everyone is just awful um and eventually gonna betray him and be terrible um and so she uh is like well that's really [ __ ] dark dude like come on she doesn't actually curse at all in this

book that's just me adding adding some Flair um sentence enhancers yes he uh yeah he's like actually I kind of like this girl though she's really sweet like like she's sweet and down to earth and maybe we could be friends but everybody's terrible at the end of the day so uh she's like well I have a condition for going to Paris and he's like what is it now you're like well I have a condition I'm like like a skin condition like a medical condition for going to Paris and I was like what

and then I was like oh what you were gonna say like [ __ ] he's doing you a favor taking you to Paris what do you mean you have a condition I thought you meant like a medical condition that is not disclosed in the book she may have one but but but it but Pippa didn't write about it yeah she gave us a lot of other detail but not that detail walls um so she's like I will go to Paris with you if you have sex with me and he's like hard pivot what he's like uh I'm sorry what

and he's like okay so actually I was wrong and she is just like everybody else and she is absolutely using me just this time not for my money she just wants my dick great this has never happened to me before I don't know how to feel about it um it she she goes on to explain more and more that like she just wants to move on from her marriage physically and she finds him really attractive she's like listen we can turn the lights out you don't even have to look at me you

can call me somebody else's name I don't even care begonia she's like a girl I just need to get some and he just stays silent because he does not know what to do and she's very very upset obviously so he just changes the subject he's like we're gonna go shopping for a New Dress because I'm taking you out tomorrow and she's like okay also so you don't want to bone me she's like all right okay so awkward you can well bless it you can turn the lights out and call me by somebody

else's name my heart I know like you don't even have to look at me oh begonia babe awful and uh he's like I'm I just want to make her happy again because she was so sweet when she was happy and like I'm not I don't I don't so then she gets even more mad when he says that he's taking her shopping because she's like I don't want your money I already have a dress unless you think I need something new to be seen with you because your standards are so high Brandon doesn't know if he's coming or going

no Brandon was very conflicted about his life choice he was he's upstairs now bye buddy uh he's just very confused about what the [ __ ] just happened because they were having a really nice conversation and then all of a sudden it was like have sex with me call me somebody else's name which is fair in Hayes defense that's fair touche yeah yeah no but it also like hurts my heart for begonia because like when you think about it you can you can definitely see both sides of that

conversation right you can see like her trying to be vulnerable then you see him being probably taken aback more than he's like not into it right but then how that those wires get crossed yep you know like the conflict in every rom-com so true and he took too much time to process so she just like backed out I was like what so uh she is absolutely mortified with his entire situation um and he she has some very awkward interactions with his mom when they get back to the house uh and

it she gets it Hayes gets into a fight with his mom because he's like I want you to leave this is my like getaway with my girlfriend you shouldn't be here like just go um yeah it is Mom and assistant and Amelia all stayed once they realized they were crashing his vacation with his girlfriend they just rolled up and stayed yeah I mean I also imagine if you're a billionaire it's not like a small house no it's a pretty decent sized place it sounds like so um mom completely ignores him and says he

she's taking begonia shopping and he storms out yelling that he's booking a fairy to get them out tonight because he's done and begonia makes some kind of joke about men's Egos and how fragile they are and stuff and Hayes mom laughed so hard that she farts in the middle of the kitchen I I keep like I both feel like I I know the story right like I know where this is going but then I also feel like with each detail you give I'm like huh I didn't I didn't see that coming yeah yeah it

just continues to get more ridiculous and fun so his mom and guests refused to leave um so they're all going on a Sunset Cruise romantic uh he is super pissed because there is some kind of discrepancy in the books at work he's the CFO um and he can't find it so he's spending like hours and hours and hours it's like a a tenth of a percentage point it's not anything massive but he's stuck on where is this money where did it go so he's very distracted um from his work because he can't stop

thinking about how begonia offered to bang him and because apparently it's just because he's convenient he was like this is very new for me women usually use me for my money I don't understand not just for my dick right he's like I don't get it I don't think I like it oh you want to be loved for who you are Hayes yeah what a nerd so maybe think about the fact that she literally offered to turn the lights off and let you call her another name It's Like A Step Above I'll wear a paper

bag over my head it's fine I'm like basically I know I'm like I'm very stop my heart hurts for her I know because I wouldn't say I'm the most confident person in the world but I'll still yeah but that feels like another level and also just like the vulnerability of like that's how you view yourself and communicate about yourself my heart okay it is I'm so stuck on this it is pretty painful and reading it is even worse because it's from Hayes's point of view at that point so she she's

like going on and on and on and he's his you can obviously know his thoughts where he's like what but I don't what the [ __ ] is happening right now I don't oh my God and then he like visibly sees her shut down and he's like oh wait wait wait wait wait wait wait oh too late oh no okay all right would you like a new dress wrong thing to say like yeah yeah so um yeah they get to the boat and begonia starts to panic and he's like what the hell is wrong with you right now uh and

she's like well what if I get seasick and what if I go overboard and she starts like hyperventilating um and he's like begonia if you go overboard marshmallow will save you and he's like trying to lighten the mood and she's so terrified it just sails right over her head uh so finally he's just like okay all right she's like what if I give the captain twenty dollars and like pulls it out of her bra and he's like what what else is in there I was thinking what is the 20 what are

you trying to bribe the captain to do to leave her to take everybody else and leave and he's like babe he's been working for my family for years twenty dollars is not gonna do it and she's like what about a little like tit squeeze or something do you think he'll just go so finally he's like begonia forget it I got it and so he tells them to just go so but his mom and the two guests are already on the boat so he's like so at least he doesn't have to ultimately it all worked out how how he

wanted it to and she didn't even have to flash the captain correct but in this whole exchange he's like trying to give her money back and accidentally like touches her boob and he's like no he's like I have feelings about that I shouldn't have done that and gets more Awkward just from a little like boob craze it makes me think of what's that movie with um the holiday Maybe Jack Black and Kate Winslet yes thank you the sushi restaurant yes yeah sorry I'm sorry about the boob Grace but

I the well the funny thing is I was also thinking of that exact scene but I was thinking about it because the first time I saw I thought he said boob Grace not Grace and he's like the boob Grace and I was like oh that's an odd boob compliment do boobs have Grace I was thinking more like oh the common Grace of breasts like the boob Grace like oh your boobs are that nice sure um but I love that we were both thinking about the same scene and you're like you know that movie I'm like oh yeah the

holiday with Jack Black and Kate Winslet at the sushi restaurant yep I am who you want on your team for like movie pop culture um not more recent trivia but like I can't I like here's the thing I'm not old but nope when I look at like red carpet photos and I'm like who the [ __ ] are these children I was like I don't know who any of these people are yep but like last night my husband and I are sitting on the couch decided we were going to re-watch new girl there's a episode that

has Parker Posey in it first I thought she was Ali Sheedy because I once again had something in my eye I've been having eye issues recently so I went on a whole tangent about Ali Sheedy being in The Breakfast Club and then her briefs knit on the show Psych as she was Mr Yang in several seasons then I realized it was Parker Posey and I was like oh yeah Parker Posey she was in You've Got Mail and Vance was like literally no one remembers that she was in You've Got

Mail the only I remember that she was in you've got the mail and then I was like yeah no he's like who was she and you've got me out I was like Tom Hanks his original girl yeah I was like and Greg Kinnear was with Meg Ryan and he was like Chelsea literally no one remembers anyone in that movie outside of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks and f-o-x and I was like I I can assure you they do I do case in points yeah we're done recording this episode I'm gonna rub it in his face so hard

the first person I've talked about the sense and is like yeah no obviously I remember posia and Greg Kinnear and then I was also talking about how part wasn't Parker Posey the villain and Josie and the Pussycats who had the lisp I think she was I think Alan [ __ ] was the assistant you really are who I want on my team but like only for like this very specific era anything that's like dropped in the last like since the print pandemic probably I'm like I don't know who the

[ __ ] these kids are so I was talking to a co-worker about some music or something and I was like yeah it just dropped recently and she said she's younger not that much younger though she goes not dropped Hannah come on and like started laughing at me and I was like that's what people say I was like is that not what people say what is I don't know but I felt very self-conscious about it and she was like then started quizzing me on gen Z terminology which I did pretty well on like no cap

on God yeah yeah yeah batty I was like that is a pretty obvious one right I was like I'm not that old no but I feel that old now also dropped is still very common terminology isn't it at least I thought so I'm like am I too much of a dork to use that word like is that what she's saying because that would be fine I would feel better about being a dork than being old I think well it was funny because I was talking to my sister and my best friend recently and by recently I mean in the last like

couple of years as I said I was like this conversation wasn't that recent all time Blends together but what I forget what I was talking about but I said like it slapped and both of them were like what what is that good or bad if it slaps and I was like y'all aren't that much older than me you know my sister's like three years older than me and my best friend I should know how old she is I think she's six years older than me essentially like the youth group I grew up in like a

high school girl with like Mentor middle school girl right right like I was in Middle School and she was in high school but then we just like she like became a part of our family and we've been like best friends for 20 plus years so I'm like I should know like that's what I always think of I always think of her being able to drive and me being in middle school is like I'm like how much older is she than you and I'm like at least four years oh she can drive as though I'm not in my 30s

um oh she can drive like that's legitimately how I still think about it but yeah I said slapped and they were like is that is that good or bad I'm like it oh oh it's good oh it's fine yeah I was with a bunch of friends and I'm close to the youngest but there was one person there that's like three-ish years younger than me and she was like she said something about have you seen that Tick Tock and like said something and all of us were like no I don't I don't think I've seen

that one and she goes all right you guys are too old for tick tock and we all were like no excuse me like excuse the [ __ ] out of me and so that's what we say to each other now like the whole group of us and she gets so embarrassed she's like I'm so sorry that's not how I meant it I'm like that's literally the words that came out of your mouth I had a counseling client who was like a freshman in college oh no and she was like do you know what Tick Tock is I was

like I'm not that old and I forget what she said in response but it was like one of those where it was like well I wasn't sure like or like however she like that wasn't what she I don't even remember but it was something to the effect of like I mean yeah but you're old enough to have a master's degree to have been in the field for a while right like ouch I was like I'm not I'm not that old I graduated with my

masters when I was 22. [ __ ] me too you and I have led very similar lives we have and we were born like a day apart yeah because you're the eighth right yep yeah and I'm I'm the ninth there you go look at those cancers which also probably makes sense as to why we're very similar because we're you're literally one day older than me do you know what time you were born 6 30ish p.m oh damn okay but we were born in the same general geographical area as well were you born in Florida yeah

you know I did know that because I was born in Dunedin I was born at Arnold Palmer in Orlando oh yeah so like only two hours away you're like 27 hours older than me there you go we're basically the same person but you know I would be super curious because my sister um does like human design readings and coachings and things like that and but you have to know the exact location you were born and the exact date and time that you were born and so I would be super curious how similar our human

designs are because I'm like as we said like it's a two-hour Drive between where I'm like it's really not that far apart so I wonder if how much commonality that would be really interesting right because Vance and I have even had this conversation about my sister and his sister because his sister her birthday is April 10th I believe and my sister is April 17th and mind you my sister was born in the 80s and his sister was born in the 70s but even at that there's like a lot of commonalities

between them and like personality similarities um where I've been like oh I wonder how much of that is that they're like the same star sign and like just all that that entails so I would be curious because you and I have so much overlap we do yeah we do we thought of the same Jack Black Kate Winslet mode without without prompting what movie I was like yeah the holiday you're like what is it no it trust me Hannah this is what you were thinking of okay follow me here so back

to the book they don't get on the boat and the the captain doesn't touch her titty correct so um they decide they're gonna have a picnic on the beach but everything is closed so begonia basically goes door to door and just is like hi you guys everything is closed and we're really hungry do you have any leftovers or anything that you feel like sharing you don't have any food in their mansion apparently not so she just people just love her because she's so cute and bubbly so they just

give her a [ __ ] feast they have wine they have cheese they have okay you've seen that girl on like I know it's an old thing that people did but like a girl like made a whole like Tick Tock series about it where it's like she started with like a bobby pin and was like trading up oh yeah to the like watching that Journey she got traded some incredible things over time like at one point I forgot that like Chipotle did that like Magic card that was like free Chipotle

oh so like she got traded one of those at one point then at one like I saw she got traded like a like a farming tractor I forget what her ultimate goal was but yeah that's what it made me think of like when like you were a kid and you'd like go and you'd be like yeah can I like what you would like trade up yep to ultimately get and so she got a whole Feast she got a whole feast and uh they're just having a really sweet time some local towns people who are musicians come and start playing their

fiddles on the beach for them and it's like a whole thing and they're having a really great time and she is really settling into it and Hayes kisses her and she starts to wonder she's like did he change his mind about us doing the deed because I'd be into that and as soon as she starts to think that like uh cameras start flashing and she realizes that he realized Paparazzi were nearby and that's why he kissed her is that actually why he kissed her or was it just like bad timing it was why he

kissed her oh Haze be better yeah and finally she just gets kind of fed up and she's like why are you so hell-bound on being alone like I don't understand like I just I just don't get it and um he's like listen you could never understand my life it's super condescending the way that he says like you wouldn't get it and she's like okay so if I drop it will you [ __ ] me and he is very fixated on that well she starts laughing because she's trying to like defuse the whole thing like she was

trying to make it a joke and he was he did not think it was funny so she's just like you know what I'm just going to ignore the atrocious company and focus on the fact that there's beautiful music and a gorgeous speech and really delicious food here I'm just gonna pretend he's not here so that's what she does um so later that night Hayes is not able to sleep he goes down to get some water or something and his mom is in the kitchen and his mom starts going on one

about begonia like you can't be serious about this girl I know this is one of your fake relationships again trying to get rid of me um I don't understand why you're doing this again she's so ridiculous like really judgmental awful things um and she says this is worse than your last rebellion girlfriend it's just really not nice and he shuts his mother down hard um and he's like begonia is good for me and if you can't see that and treat her well then you can get the [ __ ] out like

I'm not doing this with you and then he realizes begonia heard the whole thing she had been in the hallway also apparently coming to get some water so she runs out of the house and he chases after her and she explains that like she's sobbing crying and she explains that she left her ex because he wouldn't defend her to his mom because they were trying to have kids and they couldn't get pregnant and the mom kept blaming begonia but it was actually like an issue with her husband

and the mom still made a begonias fault like well she didn't feed him enough vegetables and she didn't like stupid [ __ ] like that um constantly telling her she was stupid and things like that and her husband would just sit there and like agree if anything so she's like great you did for me in two days what that man couldn't do for me my entire marriage and this isn't even real like damn that it like it really got her a lot um so he starts to realize that he really

does really really like her and he's like you know what we I'm never gonna love her but we could be really good friends she's a really good person so moving on there's a whole montage of them hanging out and doing cute little couple things around town um he moved back to the guest room his mom left the following morning after he was like get the [ __ ] out is Amelia still there nope mom took all the ladies took the Entourage with her yes okay um so he mostly is working sleeping in the guest room

um so then one night she begonia has a twin sister and her name is hyacinth Lord help me yeah so uh he realizes she really misses her sister so he connects her phone to the Wi-Fi so she can call her sister and Wi-Fi this whole time not this whole time so she he goes through her email and her voicemail and is like do not listen to or read anything from your mother not a single thing because it's really bad her mom is telling her that because now all the photos of them have been

published by this point so she's telling begonia like she'll never keep a man like that that she's just pissing off her ex and if she wants to get him back she needs to stop doing this stuff and all this other stuff so she called she's like okay whatever you say so she calls her sister um and they are having a cute little moment and begonia tries to dance around the fakeness of their relationship because she did sign an NDA um but she also knows her sister will

know if she's lying they're twins like sister's gonna know so um yeah and this is not an important detail but really funny begonia reveals that marshmallow somehow got into Hayes mom's luggage and brought her brought begonia Hayes mother's vibrator uh and when she shares that she hears a noise which confirms that Hayes has been listening to the entire conversation like he like chokes on his spit he's like oh my God so uh then he brings her some teas tells her he's going to bed and

um now begonia is starting to realize she really likes him and um wishes that he was someone she could actually love because their relationship has actually been really fun even though it's super fake so they go to Albany New York where family business headquarters are and he sends begonia off to go exploring and he is extremely irritated because when he got into the car an executive assistant was in there um and she is obviously putting the moves on him she's got her tits halfway

out she keeps touching his arm and he's just like oh my god get off of me and she starts immediately issuing orders and ignoring her completely and then he tells the assistant to tell his uncle that he needs to stay at the family house for the next two weeks because he told begonia they would have to share a room because his uncle was going to be at the house but that wasn't true so now he's like making it true so um he has to hire a new assistant and he's freaking out about it he's busy all

morning and then in the afternoon he finds his Lobby completely full of women like 50 women there to interview for the job of his assistant and he is like I can't I I can't like what the [ __ ] is happening I feel like if you're the CFO you're not doing those interviews right yourself right maybe that might just be me unless all of these women have already made it to a final interview well we'll get to this glitch in the system in a moment so he then calls begonia in an absolute

panic and is like please help me you know how to deal with people you can read people you can hire my assistant right and she's like sure thing have you eaten and she like goes and gets him lunch and comes uh and uh she's just so precious and sweet um and then uh she gets to the office and gets down to dealing with all 50 of those women and it turns out that there was a glitch in the HR software and all of the women for those who don't see the video Hannah

is doing air quote I am doing air quotes a lot of them um that apparently all of the women who had already been interviewed initially and discarded they all got an email interview oh yeah hmm and he's like this feels sucks my [ __ ] mother again he's like gen Z word to be clear we're hip to the drive on what the kids are doing um the youths not the youths um so uh several hours later Hayes is losing his [ __ ] because he just has way too much to do and he's super

overwhelmed and all of a sudden begonia like blows into his office and she's like these are your two new assistants this job was too big for one and just like gives him a rundown of both of these women and is like you will meet them tomorrow to confirm that you're comfortable with them for breakfast at 8 30 I've already put it in your calendar thank you and like he's like thank you thank you peconia I appreciate you but then he realizes how like exhausted and frazzled she looks and he's like

okay so we're going home now like we're gonna go home yeah so um she's terrified because they're taking a helicopter for some unknown [ __ ] reason do we understand her trauma about modes of transportation no she's worried this time because she's worried that marshmallow is gonna open the door so so he's like I got it and holds this 90 pound dog in his lap the entire trip and is slowly dying of an allergic reaction but he's like he's got his one bodyguard guy at one door in begonia at

the other door like guarding it in case marshmallow gets away so um begonia sees his house and is like what a pretty Hotel I can't imagine staying in such a lovely place and he's like babe that's my house and she's like I can't go in there like oh my God and he's like it's just a house it's fine we can do this but she's seriously panicking and she tells a story about how her ex always told her that he was um embarrassed to take her out nice places because um quote the wait staff out wait staff

outclassed her which is like super mean what a shitty comment yeah and Hayes Ellie is like I don't understand this undeniable urge I have to beat the [ __ ] out of another human being but like that's what I'm experiencing right now and he's like but obviously I can't do that because that is not on brand for the family throughout this whole thing there's been like little comments about how he has to keep up appearances for the family it's super stressful for him um so anyway they get to the house

um and Hayes's cousin is there telling her they're going to be besties she's also a rock star which is interesting and then another woman pops out of nowhere while Hayes is really desperately trying to get the two of them upstairs and like away from everybody um so they can just eat and go to sleep and begonia is slap happy and hangry and she is losing a little bit of her her I don't know jovial her innocence yes her sweet kind thing shtick she's losing it and

this other woman says that she is Hayes fiance and begonia just claps and says that that is so adorable because she already met his second grade wife who is Amelia by the way Amelia was like well we got married in second grade and she's like that's so fun I love that for you guys so she just starts clapping and it's like I already met his second grade wife and then starts calling this woman Angie repeatedly because she looks like Angelina Jolie the woman is not amused

she is not amused so finally Hayes just grabs her and starts like pulling her up the stairs did his mom send this one it seems that way okay um and uh he's like listen that woman is not my fiance no matter what she says I promise you and begonia is like you're not good enough for Angie anyway and he's like you need to go to bed bless it uh so they um get back to his rooms they start to decide to have dinner whatever the chef brings it up because they're all super rich and

um all of a sudden he's just like I'll have sex with you and she chokes on some bread for obvious reasons um and then just not the only thing she's gonna choke on that night ayo but then she just pretends he didn't say anything she just moves on with the conversation um and he's like well now I'm more confused than I was before um so then he just all of a sudden interrupts her and he's like why did you help me pick an assistant and she's like because I like to help people

and you're not a people person and that's okay so I decided to help you what does she do for a living she is a high school art teacher that feels on brand right and that will actually become a thing later as well but um she mentions her ex again and like all the work that she's done on herself and um he all of a sudden asks like why are you why do you help people like I don't understand this whole thing people suck and she's like I get joy out of helping people and he's like well

who helps you though and she's like wow thanks so much for pointing out that flaw in my life I really appreciate this heart to heart that we're having um and he's like realizes nobody takes care of her like nobody makes her a priority so he goes and kneels in front of her and stars they start making out hardcore she's in a robe there's titty fondling happening and he finally eats her out it's like this big moment right um and then marshmallow keeps nudging Haze and Hayes just keeps like like

pushing him back um and she is just about to come when the fire alarm goes off and the sprinklers start going off in the room because she knocked over a candle that had been on the table and marshmallow was trying to warn them that the room was on fire oh my gosh it wasn't good no so she's outside with haze's entire family because they're all there um just hanging out awkwardly waking waiting for him to come back and take her upstairs um and uh she her phone starts ringing The

Imperial March from Hayes pocket because he had grabbed it from the room and he answers it it's her ex um begging her to come back to him and Hayes is like never call this number again you're [ __ ] done you lost Her She's Mine whatever um and then he finally gets her inside and drops the bomb that they probably need to get engaged and maybe even married because all these women keep showing up and his mom isn't gonna stop so we should just probably just go ahead and get married and

um he keeps going on and on and on about updating their agreement and begonia is like is there is there more wine because I'm gonna need more wine yeah and this is a conversation for alcohol yeah not that like alcohol should be your only coping skill correct but it can be a helpful one in certain situations for some people yeah right yeah not for everyone but for some people mm-hmm so the next morning she's hungover as [ __ ] and um she talks to his cousin who gives details Hayes's cousin about

um he proposed to somebody in college and was like absolutely manly madly in love with this girl and then found out she was cheating on him um the basically their entire relationship with this guy that he thought was his best friend but had betrayed him in college and was like like sold fake stories about him to the to tabloids about him having like a foot fetish and being like the the freaky brother or whatever uh so then there's a really sweet text exchange Haze promises he's gonna be

home for dinner um and they're gonna go out for burgers it's all really sweet and then he she tells him that she really loves she had told him previously she really loves to do Pottery but she's terrible at it but she enjoys it so it doesn't matter you know we love a queen who will still do a hobby just for the sake of enjoyment and not yeah like I do and I feel like we've talked about this before but like I feel like Millennials have turned every hobby into a side hustle and like

we don't really do things for Joy for Joy like we only do them if we're good at them yep and so I really appreciate that that tidbit that she's like no I just do this because I enjoy doing it like yeah like I'm not gonna sell this [ __ ] it's yeah it's not good like I know it's bad so he sends an entire Pottery setup to the house like he ordered it to have it sent and set up and he tells her that he knew that she wouldn't take diamonds as a thank you so he wanted to do something special for

her so that's what he did so um Hayes is extremely late like they had all these cute plans in this sweet moment and he's extremely late finally gets home and he's still talking on the phone and she starts thinking about her ex and how he used to do this [ __ ] all the time just like put her off and make her feel like she wasn't important and she's really really angry because she was also worried about him like that's how late he was and he wasn't answering his phone but then she's like I don't

think I get to be angry actually like we're not in a real relationship so I don't think I get to be mad I know because she's so sweet you guys the whole time I want to be like I want to be more like begonia she's so nice but I don't think I have it in me [Laughter] I wish that I did I don't think I do well I did think earlier when he was talking about like or when Hayes was processing that no one takes care of her I did have an ex tell me I was altruistic to a fault thank you yeah and I was like

that's I was that a compliment was that an insult to this day I still don't know it remains a mystery it does but I'm like I don't think he was wrong but I'm also like so what do I what do I do with that is this constructive oh [ __ ] sorry everyone I just hit my mic she did like she meant to I like I hit that hard with my elbow and I apologize if anyone heard that sorry Vance that you're gonna have to edit this sound a little bit bless my sweet husband We Appreciate You

Vance shout outs to Vance but yeah no I'm like altruistic to a fault I feel like at the time I took pride in that and now I'm like um on retrospect I don't know if that was meant to be a compliment yeah yeah boundaries matter they do okay so we would all love to be more like begonia yes and her unrelenting optimism yes that's exactly what it is unrelenting optimism so he immediately comes over gives her a big hug grabs a picnic basket and then carries her like lifts her up and

carries her out through the grounds of the house outside um before setting them both up on the ground on a blanket um and they have basically a charcuterie and drinking wine and having a great time and so then he puts on the moves on her puts the moves on her I've almost finished this heavy pour have you I I was actually thinking I haven't seen you drink any of them yeah I've had like two sips yeah it's uh good for you girl yeah it's I love that you're trying to show it to

me to prove how much you've had to drink I'm gonna put it back down girl just take another sip if you want one I'm doing a really good job for free you're free to do what you need also I feel like I'm sorry our sound panels behind us aren't even they're not oh that's me we'll deal with that point so he puts the moves on her and tells her that um he wants to make love to her knowing who she is and saying her name like I want to be able to look at you in the eyes I care for you I enjoy you they

have a solidifying [ __ ] she offers her rock paper scissors with him for who's in charge and he's like no we won't be doing that for those of you who can't see my face right now I don't yeah I don't love that it was a weird thing to do I think she was really anxious and she was like do you want a rock paper scissors like I don't know for who's in charge or who's on top or the words were who's in charge so then he is like it's actually really cute and sweet because in a lot of these books it's

like the guy is all Alpha and he's like I know how to please a woman and like stoic and whatever but he's like stuttering because every time she touches him he's like like that's awesome it's super cute um and he keeps telling her how amazing she feels um and she's like oh no I have feelings for him and this is temporary but you know what I'm just gonna enjoy it while it lasts because this is pretty great so he is going on and on in his mind about how um begonia is the Sun and he's a but a

blade of grass basking in her light like this is his thoughts he's not saying any of this out loud um they continue to share their charcuterie naked in the Moonlight outside I was like oh no charcuterie a euphemism no not today I want to share my charcuterie with you no my charcuterie charcuterie oh no I like charcuterie better charcuterie we are the worst okay I just felt I'm so sorry in advance to everyone but now all I can think of is meatballs no Chelsea no I don't like it for me either

but I can't so all right pivoting for a second just not that we needed more brevity but because I need to not pick up meat folds anymore so at work each each week as you know because we used to work at the same company we have like what we call a Segway question which is essentially an icebreaker question we do and we all rotate who asks the question so the question that was asked two weeks ago was if there was a religion that you were the deity of and people were taking communion

oh no what would your body and blood be that they would be consuming what it was such a good question oh my God I love that question what was your answer bota Box Chardonnay and um like carrot cake or key lime pie um and then the follow-up question I was asked was are we just are like how is the Boda box being passed out and someone was like are they just getting on their knees and you're pouring a shot and I was like yeah yeah but then one of the girls on our compliance team shout out Mary Beth

oh hi Mary Beth miss you what I still I don't honestly I think she said like a skinny margarita would be her blood I don't remember what she said her body was all I remember is that at some point when she was taking about taking the body and blood of her as the Teeny she's like get on your knees and take it and I thought about it at least once a day since then I don't even remember what her body was I I do believe her blood was skinny margaritas wow what would your body and blood be

Hannah I was just thinking that part of me wants to say my blood would be pineapple infused tequila oh okay because that used to be my jam back in the day I worked at a tequila bar and we had this big vat of tequila that we put a bunch of pineapple in that sounds delicious and we did like birthday shots from that and like a couple of other drinks from it and uh whenever we would kill the vat we would eat the pineapple and if you want to get Smash Hammer drunk you eat

pineapple that's been sitting in tequila for Christ knows how long yep so yeah my first thought when I thought about what my body would be was cheese yeah like bread cheese if you know what I'm talking about bread cheese no okay well bread cheese is like a little bit like paneer in the texture okay but like my husband is obsessed with it and they have all different like flavors they have like Chipotle and pizza and garlic and all these random flavors and he's obsessed with it but

you cut it up and put it in the microwave for like 30 seconds so it's a little bit melty um I think that would be it okay when you know I probably if I pivoted to a cheese I'd probably be like an infused like a cranberry goat cheese oh yeah or like a nice gouda or a Brie I do love a good soft cheese oh no okay one of the best soups of my life yeah would that be blood or body a suit well we also know I love a two-for-one special so if I can combine these that feels even more on brand

there's a restaurant in Dallas where I went to Grad School Dallas Texas not Dallas Georgia common misconception actually it's not a common misconception only if you're from that area yeah if you're from Georgia and you're like oh Dallas Georgia you're like no no one is ever referring to Dallas Georgia um but there's a restaurant that so to be fair my friend lived within walking distance and we all just like walked over and then we didn't know it was like at that point in time rated the most

romantic restaurant in Dallas you know just like four single girls living their best life they had a champagne Brie soup oh yes I I don't like it's it's one of those that it's been so long that I like can't even fully remember what it like I just remember it was so good but I can't like recall if it was more champagne or Brie or whatever but I'm like okay if I'm combining those to a body and bread special two for one yeah absolutely I would be a champagne soup yeah I mean if I

part of me says bread cheese cheese in general because it's easily passed you know what I mean like it's easy to give out but like when you are a deity that thinks about others I am I am altruistic to a fault you get it but if in a perfect world if it were possible it would probably be like chorizo tacos would be what I would want to give a little baby slider tops yeah like a little baby like Tapas style adorable would that be right but that would be difficult to like pass out oh

good news my husband just walked back in the room hey Vance your body and blood as a deity I if I'm remembering correctly your blood was a Green Point cocktail what was your body oh no you also I need you to know there have been times in our lives where we haven't been at the movies but we've stopped by a movie theaters to get movie theater popcorn to take home with us for the evening they let you do it do they really yeah you're like walking but it also like I guess to be fair depending

on the setup of that movie theater because some concessions are past the ticket some are before right but no my husband walking in and he's like I would like an offensive amount of butter and then they're like yeah and he's like no no no no I want you to hear me when I say an offensive amount of butter to the point where it's like they'll like throw like one scoop of popcorn in butter it another two like they will only one time ever in our history has he been like she

maybe understood the assignment too much he's like that might be the only time it's been too much butter but yes movie theater popcorn was an offensive amount of butter all I'm thinking about right now is um uh Nick Offerman and Parks and Rec when he's at the diner bring me all your bacon and eggs and then he's like no no no no I fear what you heard is bring me a lot of bacon and eggs I mean all all the bacon yes it that's the energy it's that energy we're like well

I also realized early on in our marriage and mind you my husband his health our house as a as a whole has been a journey right but at one point in time like I was like oh when you're getting the large movie theater popcorn with an offensive amount of butter that wasn't a shareable stuff oh that wasn't for both of us got it oh but also the movie theater that we always used to go to do you remember like before Movie Pass crashed yeah yeah when it was like seven dollars

for as many movies just like you wanted to see before they there there were any stipulations on it and as you were going you're like this company is losing money yeah um and then they did and that's why it all crashed right but we would go and the movie theater also had a um Cheeto popcorn what and they had a hot Cheeto popcorn so there was literally like the popcorn was tossed in some of like the powder and then they were like the Cheetos or the hot Cheetos in it as well

and that was the one I wanted anyway so I'd get like my little like hot Cheeto popcorn and he'd get his offensive amount of butter movie theater popcorn but yes he was a Green Point cocktail with movie theater popcorn is his deity communion communion yeah I love that but it's like it's a I was like oh this is such a good Icebreaker question it that is a really good one yeah at first I was like what and then you think about it for a second it's like No actually

that's fantastic I know it's my job to choose the Icebreaker question this week ooh heavy I know I'm like because I feel like some people are just like oh do you like sweet or sour or like sweet or safe like it's always like this or that and then I'm like oh I feel like I always take it a little bit too far I support that I want you to continue to do that well I remember when you and I used to work together one of the questions we got asked was like what's like a fashion trend that you

uh my regrettably have fallen into growing up yeah I don't remember what I answered for that but no um well you had shaved your head oh yeah I did do that I can yeah I did do that yeah and then mine I was talking about like the studded Bell buckled on this side with like the mini skirt layered over the jeans and like the converse and like the band t-shirt and I remember her boss that I was like oh wow I'd love to see photos of the two of you and I was like no I feel like her Trend was just like

Bermuda shorts or some [ __ ] it was like very like I'm like oh no we are not the same we are not the same we are not the same okay sorry that was a very long tangent okay where are we at I don't know uh where this episode is gonna be forever yeah okay what's the Reader's Digest of the rest okay so she okay okay take a breath take a moment take a sip of take a gulp of wine new goal I'm no longer giving you cute details we're moving we're shaking if you want the cute

details you can read it for yourself and it is fantastic it doesn't I'm very little Comfort read adorable a couple of teasers including an antique dildo collection Hayes phone winding up in the freezer their clothes going missing while they're outside marshmallow on all of these yep oh that's marshmallow I do have questions about an antique dildo collection but for the sake of time I will I will hold back my questions so um they have very sweet morning after

situation he calls his brothers Jeweler to get a ring for her and then the the book says a very pregnant begonia walks in and it's like did we just Flash Forward no it's her twin sister hyacinth oh [ __ ] wait also is it so they're moving forward with the fake engagement okay so um she's like this Jeweler is terrible she won't like any of this stuff this is really stupid come on man like get it together do better good for you hi son yeah do better she's like I know you've

only done it for a week so let's clarify what she does and does not like in terms of jewelry do better so um they have plans to go to this Gala together and um they begonia has a nice spa day with her sister and Hayes cousin um Hayes really wants to keep her longer so he's just like how can I keep her without actually having to be vulnerable and like ask her to stay like how can I extend the contract whatever whatever so um they go to this this Gala together at

the zoo she meets his ex the one that broke his heart and his arch nemesis slash former best friend and begonia is like you know what come with me so she pulls him out of the area and into another area of the zoo and um decides to blow them and blow him not them I don't know if I'm moving too fast or if the wine is hitting I'm not sure what the situation is wait I may have missed it because I was honestly thinking about movies I could kill some movie theater popcorn

right now why are they at the zoo for a Gala yes it's a fundraiser I was like I feel like she said it but I was really thinking about popcorn for a minute I but it's okay I have no idea how long this episode has been so far so I'm trying to move faster because I feel like we've been talking for a really long time not in a bad way but like in a way that people may not want people may not be able to hang this long so the beautiful thing about podcasters you can pause them and come back you

have to finish it in one sitting that's so true but also we can still move faster and we can so um she gives him a blowy and uh right as like it's actually a kind of a sweet moment and right as he comes Paparazzi find them and there's like flashing lights of her giving him a [ __ ] this is very bad I love that you said it's actually a sweet moment right as he's coming Paparazzi show up I remember before that before that like such a sweet woman right as he comes and I was like wait the [ __ ]

that's not what I meant no before that there's lots of eye contact and it's very very sweet like he's like like caressing her face and is all gentle and like I really like this woman and this is it for me and all that kind of stuff and then paparazzi so this is really bad yeah obviously as this is clearly not on not a sweet moment it's no longer a sweet moment um this is not on brand for the family this is a big [ __ ] problem so he did try to buy off the pops but that like

that didn't really work so he's going on and on but like so we're gonna have to get married we're gonna have to stay married for two years like I'm gonna take care of you for life like we'll we'll sign the paperwork like we'll get it all together but like this is what we have to do and she's like take me home like I'm not just take me home I'm not doing this to her house or herself to her house because she declares her love and he just sits there silently and

she's like I don't want to be fake with you I want to be real and if you can't give that to me I need you to take me home so he tells the pilot to turn around um so she hasn't she like she doesn't leave her apartment she's not really eating she's really really struggling and her twin shows up and um turns out the NDA that she signed along with a lot of the other paperwork that they had done was leaked to the Press so everybody knows that it's fake so she's

like I can't believe he would do this to me like that's yeah really [ __ ] brutal so um she loses her job because she's a high school teacher giving people blow jobs I mean one person but this is the second time you've made it plural Hannah one person giving them [ __ ] you know she lost her job because she's a high school teacher giving [ __ ] nope nope hold up that's a different book we've probably still read it we probably have but it's got this one so um

so she is super upset obviously and then their mom shows up with her ex [ __ ] yeah and it's like listen honey he's still willing to take you back even though like you've ruined everything and her twin loses her [ __ ] and is like Mom you are [ __ ] dead to me get out of this goddamn house and Chase if I ever see you again I will kill you like I like they will never find your body get the [ __ ] out and it was like a very sweet like sister power moment so Haze is completely betrayed and

feeling overwhelmed because he thinks that high or that begonia leaked the NDA because he didn't do it so he doesn't know who did it but he knows that it wasn't him he's pretty sure it was begonia and he's super duper upset about it well not quite was it [ __ ] marshmallow wait for it okay damn it but yes it was marshmallow it was marshmallow so his brother comes in with the two assistants that begonia hired who love her and are like get your head out of your ass blah blah blah she wouldn't do

this um and he's like I don't think I want this job like I hate this job I'm miserable I'm I'm over it like I miss begonia blah blah blah so she begonia goes to her brother-in-law's family's condo by the beach somewhere hyacinths yes condo okay she's like I probably should have done this in the first place for my getaway because this is a [ __ ] mess she like pawns some of the dresses that he bought her so that she has money to like support herself for a few months because they're like

20 or 30 000 these dresses he is a billionaire lest we forget um and then his mom shows up and um is like you know her son has always been really sweet and kind but he shut himself down after so many failed relationships and you brought him back to me and blah blah blah blah and she's like um your relationship wasn't fake and begonia is like he literally leaked these documents to make himself look better and ruined my [ __ ] life like I lost my job I keep saying my

heart hurts but it's true I know and then the mom is like listen here's the thing um marshmallow brought me that contract the first night that I was in Maine with you guys at the beach house so have you considered that maybe he's the one and um then she says no matter what happens no matter what you decide to do like I care about you you're important to me like please feel free to call me anytime because you're a great girl very sweet from when she was [ __ ] on her vast Improvement

um well and she even says like initially I was like you're not real but now I realize like this is really who you are and you're sweet and really good for my son so um then Hyacinth calls begonia in a panic because they grew up at this summer camp that their dad owned and he had to sell it and then he died of a heart attack like very quickly after that and so um this this Camp means a lot to them and she calls and says the camp was sold again and the new owner wants to see us

and begonia is freaking out blah blah blah blah they want to turn it back into a camp so um she goes and she's like sobbing she's really upset there's some really cute funny moments with her sister's kids that are really adorable um and so Hyacinth drives her to the camp and to the the art Hut is what they called it that's like where begonia fell in love with art and like teaching art and um Hyacinth like this is where the guy said to meet him I don't know and of

course it's Hayes and he's like I bought this for you I'm not going to be working such long hours anymore I talked to my dad and we're going to start a new division of the company that's for summer camps and you get to run it and I love you for those of you who can't see me I'm Hamming it up I I feel like that translated did it it did just with my tone just with your tone okay I could I could sense the ham through your tone not the ham dancing hamster so that was confused about earlier oh no

um so he like sees her crying is like I'll I'll kill whoever made you upset and she's like you made me upset you turned the plane around and he's like that was the biggest mistake of my life so then um he's like I know this is too soon after your divorce I know that like you wanted time to find yourself but like maybe could we like even take things slow because I really love you a lot and she's like bet so then um there are two epilogues I'm gonna skip the first one because there's

nothing interesting in it the second one um it's a year later it's the end of the summer camp and they're doing like a Big Show and the whole family is there uh Hayes proposes on stage in front of everybody marshmallow jumps on stage so the antique dildos were sorry go on the antique dildo where begonias grandmothers no yeah that we're passed down no that is not laughter they were left to her in her will she left dildos that is what it was implied I don't know I didn't read

the will but that's what was implied so when my dad's grandmother she died and they were cleaning out her house there weren't dildo I'm really terrified my mom did find some lingerie that she took home and then she was like the tags were still on it I'm like I don't I don't think that matters when my grandmother passed away and they renovated her house they found um a lot of porn in the ceiling like in the drop ceiling like in obscene amount and they're pretty sure that it was my

cousins from when he was living there some of it was like do you need to see somebody like it was like yikes my dad kept like kicking it with his foot and my high school boyfriend was there and he was like uh uh my dad was like don't let your Aunt Mary see this foreign okay but the moral of the story is neither of us have been left or are going to leave sexually explicit items in our Wills that is not my intention okay but regardless um marshmallow jumps on stage with one

of the antique dildos in his mouth as Hayes is proposing classic marshmallow classic marshmallow so um marshmallow Haze tells marshmallow to go take it to his grandma and which is his mom so marshmallow takes it to Hayes's mother and then begonia says yes and it's very sweet and that's the end that was sweet it was it feels like manic pixie dream girl meets billionaire a little bit yeah yeah a little bit like like Jess day on new girl yes it is very just day energy yeah yeah

but I still think I'll probably read it at some point because I do feel like I know like I could tell there were so many cute moments you were like just like skipping over for the sake of time um and do we want to do hamsters as our rating system hamsters we could do hamsters we could do marshmallows we could do antique dildos I was gonna say I'd really rather avoid the antique dildos because Vance tends to use our rating system and the graphic the graphic and for the sake of it not being

pulled down yeah maybe we shouldn't go dildo fair enough fair enough let's do hamsters um where we could do marshmallows which would you prefer you're the one who read it let's do marshmallows let's do marshmallows I would give it um eight and a half out of ten oh damn marshmallows I loved this book like it was really heartwarming and fun I don't know if I've ever like in a quick recall I don't know if I remember you ever writing a book this High I don't think I

have a lot of the books that I would rate this High we wouldn't review because they're part of big series or they're like really heavy um like fantasy and it would be difficult to review them in this kind of forum I do feel like we've had that conversation where like there are like some like high fantasy books that are would be super fun to review but there's just so much time World building yeah that have become so difficult that you're like oh well like this thing

about this world and this thing about that world and you're like wait what and it just doesn't necessarily translate as well but this book was super fun there wasn't anything that I was like that was unnecessary or like any it was all very like rich and fun yeah yeah eight and a half out of ten that's hybrid I know I feel like I should make it lower just because of who I am as a person but I'm channeling begonia talk to your therapist about why you feel like you need to lower your rating

Lauren help me did I tell you I went back to therapy no I haven't been back like I haven't been as a client like on that side of the chair in a decade yeah since I was in grad school okay yeah well good literally I had my intake this week nice hurt so shout out I believe her name is tyronda we haven't bonded that much yet because we've only had one session and like it's also it's so weird being on like this side it is weird especially when I'm like okay it's an intake I know

what questions you need to ask and like yeah I found myself like just giving her more information before she could ask because I was like let me just help you well or even at like the 54 minute Mark she like wanted to do a breathing exercise and I'm like oh girl okay so you don't just hold a 53 minute session when you're doing a 90837 like yeah I kept being conscious of like I don't okay it's time to be done right like looking at the clock like it's time to yeah one thousand percent where I was

challenged like I'm like sitting there doing this breathing exercises thinking of running the clock like breathe faster but that's not the point breathe slower yeah I was like if she wants to hold her because I'm very much the clinician I was like if it's a 90837 I'm holding a 53 minute session you know for those of you who are not therapists 90837 is the billing code for insurance that says a hour-long therapy session which is a 53 yep to 60 Minute session a 90834 is a 45 minute session

which is 38 minutes to 52 minutes is the actual time frame there just in case you're wondering I know you they weren't like you were Hannah's like they absolutely no one gives a [ __ ] um but yeah I'm like sitting there during my breathing exercise thinking about the clock thing and I'm like okay if you want to be the clinician who doesn't hold that boundary and keep and then I'm like do I respect you less as my therapist because you you let me go to the 60 Minute Mark and then I was

like whatever for the intake I feel like I give more leeway that's fair and she did laugh because I did tell her that that I was like thinking she's like how is that breathing after this I was like I was really trying to like let myself go bring it back in I was like but this is what I was thinking about and I told her and she laughed at me um yay well did I tell you one of my clients recently was like yeah Chelsea I was telling my friend um who was looking for a therapist she

goes yeah sometimes my therapist lightly roasts me [ __ ] I was like what and she's like yeah you know like a couple weeks ago and you're like and you never spiral so you wouldn't like go down that thought pattern or thoughts like whatever and I was like oh oh [ __ ] I was like but also she's like Chelsea it was necessary oh my God it just made me laugh that's how she's describing therapy or at least her therapist is that I lightly roast her and I'm terrified to know how people

would yes yeah I don't want to know okay so I you're going eight and a half did you read the whole book and have all of all of the cute details I'm gonna go six in it and five and a half marshmallows okay two hamsters [Laughter] okay I'm making a combination I can respect it quite frankly I felt like I needed to go half on the marshmallow one not the hamster because that just felt dark dark very dark I was like oh I don't want to say one and a half hamsters the other

half go oh no is it the front half or the back half side to side oh no oh oh actually I had that thought earlier when you said she had a hack a half waxed bead I was like top half bottom half or is it side to side then I was like once again wrong questions I would assume side to side but I don't know that was not disclosed yeah no that would make more sense yeah because if you're going like up one leg and up one side okay so because I didn't read the book eight and a half

marshmallows zero hamsters or or hamster portions eight and a half marshmallows let us know what you would rate it what what marshmallows you would choose if that's like the flavored kind if that's the jumbo size if that's the flat kind that they make specifically for s'mores now Minis oh yeah minis like the hot chocolate the hot chocolate mini minis the micro minis not just like the kind you would put on hot chocolate like the dehydrated ones yeah yeah yeah okay so many marshmallow varietals to

choose from [Music] um zero hamster portions eight and a half marshmallow varietals no hamsters No Cap I did not use that right at that moment oh my God Chelsea all right thanks for joining us on this journey we can't wait to see you all soon don't forget to like And subscribe um and can't wait to see you for the next episode thanks for hanging y'all bye [Music] well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ] we hope it was good for you cause it sure was great for us if you're digging

what we're doing it a lot if you take a minute to rate and review the show wherever you're listening right now you tell that sexy someone Linda senir we love you we'll see you next week stay spotty [Music]