foreign [Music] ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and everyone in between gather round something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on cause it's time for smut Club here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna So I listened to the episode that dropped this last week and it might be the funniest thing I've ever listened to like to pretty Secrets yes I couldn't remember which one it was I wasn't gonna listen to it and then my sister kept sending me quotes from it and she was
like this is [ __ ] hilarious how does Chelsea not understand what a [ __ ] is I'm gay and I get it I understand what a [ __ ] to go and listen to it because I didn't remember what she was still what did I say because I feel defensive but I honestly don't even remember what I think you called it a [ __ ] when one of the guys went down on her and then you said everybody got fellatio but that's that's about it it was several Wines in and we all knew what I meant I knew it
wasn't as soon as the word fellatio came out of my mouth I was like [ __ ] I'm gonna get crucified for this one but here we are okay so that said hello everybody and welcome to smut club I'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea and I do know what [ __ ] are oh gosh what a horrible resume entirely that I'm business cards should be your new email sign off my LinkedIn profile that's that's what we're moving to oh no um did I ever tell you about how my brother-in-law's personal email sign off
had this like little gift GIF whatever the hell you call them of this like little like dude like dancing like bopping down the street and underneath it it just said Haters Gonna Hate and he forgot that he was on his personal account and was sending work emails and everyone got that and I loved it that's awesome um I also was followed this like gen Z girl on Tick Tock who's like all of her email sign off she's like just changing them until my boss notices I saw that and it was like in darkness
worst regards yeet even signed different names that weren't her name I was like that's amazing she misspelled her own name oh my God brilliant oh yeah I've definitely done that like or I don't when I'm like typing my name really fast um I'll accidentally capitalize the first two letters so it's like I mean yelling we'll see um whoa that's at least how I'm hearing it when I'm reading it sure and I've definitely sent emails and they're like damn it I didn't catch that but also you
were asking me a really asinine question well if this Jen's ear is to be believed nobody's going to notice that anyway you know but is she to be believed I don't know I don't know her well enough to speak on her trustworthiness well I'm also like girl you you like 22.
how long have you been in in the industry good point okay all that said today we are reviewing ruthless creatures by JT Geisinger is my guess as to how to pronounce that g g e i s s i n g e r so a singer if we're Geisinger going with the German pronunciation it would be Geisinger okay yeah well in my head I started going like I before E except after C and then it's not helpful it really I was like receive what you know because it has I mean I guess it could be Geisinger Geisinger
sure none of it matters so tell us about the book okay so this book we have the Bravo we have dead fiances we have anal we have is it anal underline with an exclamation point no because this time the notes were on my phone and I didn't hand write my outline um but when I hand hand outline yeah it gets Bolder also I want to outline while drinking noted yes so we open with Nat Nat is our main character here things to know about Nat her fiance disappeared five years ago the day before their wedding
ouch he went on a hike never to be seen again I've seen that Dateline sorry maybe it's the plot of this book maybe this book was maybe Geisinger saw that same Dateline and it inspired this entire series let's be honest all of the date lines are like that so yeah also it's Dateline one of the ones that like does like the really hilarious reenactments no I was gonna say they take themselves a little more seriously but those are my favorite when you're watching like Snapped or like the
Unsolved Mysteries and I was like are you the actor who got to play that murderer on Unsolved Mysteries yes yes okay we opened that her fiance disappeared five years ago the day before her wedding um she is a middle school art teacher and she's really never recovered from her fiance disappearing which you know makes sense that is a pretty like tragic thing to have happened I'd say I get it but I've never experienced it but I don't fault her for kind of like checking out and just like kind of
coasting through life so at the very start of this book she's been seeing this dude Chris for like two months he's a local sheriff and he like calls to break up with her and she's just like yeah okay sounds good and he's like wait for real and she's like yeah I actually have a co-worker that like I think he might really be into and he's like wait you're you're serious right now like we've been seeing each other for two months like he likes her and but she's just like checked out and she's like
yeah no like I like maybe I should set him up with like whatever her name is which I thought was like hilarious um right yeah sweetness she's just like trying her best at this point um so after this she goes out with her best friend Sloane Sloan is like one of my favorite characters um the second book in this series is actually about Sloan and she's just this like badass yoga instructor with a like genius IQ who always starts her phone calls with like a fun fact
like Nat picks up the phone call and like Sloane is just like did you know schizophrenia wasn't prominent until house cats became prominent or like something like that and you're like what I also haven't fact checked that but if it's true I'd be curious because I think it related to the fecal matter in the particles in the fecal matter so my thought on that yeah would be that it probably was just as common as it is now but it wasn't as diagnosed Anna that's not as good of a storyline I
don't want to think about my cat poop making me schizophrenic well the first thing they told me when I got pregnant was that I wasn't allowed to scoop cat poop because of the particles in the fecal matter so if my husband ends up getting a late late on that late onset schizophrenia diagnosis do we know the cause my unborn child oh gosh sorry to put that on you damn it baby fight okay so um Nat and Sloane are going out for for drinks to catch up and Sloane is telling Nat about this
like super epically hot dude she saw at the grocery store earlier um she said he had epic Scruff she's like it's more than a five o'clock shadow but it's not quite a beard he has epic Scruff later he's described as looking like Jason Momoa okay I can track that there are worse looking people I've often thought that I mean I like I don't frequently do side by side comparisons but yes I I have frequently thought that um so they go out for drinks for the night or Sloan is wanting not to go out for
drinks at night because it is um like tomorrow is the actual five-year anniversary of um David was the fiance's name of David's disappearance um and in California they live in this like very small town on the north side of Lake Tahoe in California there's like 4 000 people total but apparently and I haven't fact-tracked us either but for the book um once someone has been missing for five years they are legally declared dead ouch yes so it's like a double whammy it's the anniversary and like
he did yeah for real for real yes Sloan gets her to go to the bar and hot Scruff dude is at the bar what no one saw this coming I'm floored we all suck Sloan hits on him and Sloan is like hilarious and very confident and has a great rack and I mean per the book which is not your personal opinion about it I'm like it's not my personal opinion but I also was like we're reviewing the book so I don't know why I felt like I need to keep saying per the book that's literally what we're talking
about heard the book she has great titties and excellent yes and so um like a Sloan goes to hit on him at the bar and he like completely shuts her down and he's like I'm not interested she's like oh damn like that does not happen often and so Nat then gets up goes to the bathroom runs into him leaving the bathroom and he's just like staring into her soul he like steadies her from falling and stares at her very intently it's always the studying from the fall and the staring yeah
wait no when men have stared at me in bars intently it's not been nope yeah I've never had it happen where I'm like this is a great sign of the future right like I'm into that and let's get to know each other no no it's been more like where are my friends we should leave now or has it been that you are both very very intoxicated and you stare and make eye contact and just like start making out no oh yeah cool that's never been me either that was all hypothetical [Music]
um not with a person I've never spoken to or seen before oh no we stopped making out and I asked him his name and then at one point I realized my glasses weren't on my face and then I looked over and they were just on a side table and I was like isn't that convenient and I just went and grabbed him and put him back on um good job plot twist it's not my husband so I think his name was Mitch was a sign and he was wearing white white denim jeans and I hate myself we'll see
no it was like over 10 years ago I would have given you 100 a free pass on all of that but he was wearing white denim Chelsea so concerned about the lack of self-respect 21 year old Chelsea had she did not love herself the way 31 year old Chelsea does we've made a lot of growth in progress and I'm proud of 31 year old Chelsea for this so tell me what happens with epic Scruff guy um yeah so not goes back to the bar his having all of the drinks with Sloan like it's just like chugging wine at this
point and they order more drinks and hot Scruff dude just keeps staring at her I don't like that then the town gossip Diane pops up um Diane annoying AF no one likes her they like want to get rid of her but yeah like she's just throwing a lot of like [ __ ] small town gossip energy and she's like oh well like like all of this pity towards Nat about like all that Nat has been through you're like shut the [ __ ] up you do not have that relationship with her she just
wants something to be able to talk about yes yeah and so Diane does tell them Scruff dude's name is cage with a K of course it is yeah of course it is um there we'll we'll get more into that in the future his name is cage and he is Natalie's Nat's new next door neighbor he bought the house with a um Briefcase full of cash not sketchy at all it was also she was like I didn't think it was for sale and Diane was like it wasn't and you're like ominous more questions than answers
um but like Diane won't leave and so then like Sloane is like hey actually Diane could you settle a bet for me um Nat and I were talking about this right before you walked up so like what are your thoughts on anal and Diane's like oh look someone else at the bar I need to go talk to I was like that is a great way to abruptly end a conversation I like that honestly I could see you using that line I probably would yeah would or will be honest with yourself Hannah if the if the opportunity presents
I probably will perfect I'm not gonna force that because nobody wants you're right um I'm so sorry so Sloan while they're sitting at the bar we learn a little bit more about like Nat where like Sloane is like I'm worried about you girl because you've only dated three guys in the last five years since David disappeared and you haven't had sex with any of them you're pretty much a nun and even nuns have sex with Jesus I don't think that's true like for my own fact checking
that's not true are you a nun no I've known a lot of a lot of Catholics though pretty sure there was a Convent not far from where I used to do Community Mental Health crisis work when I was in Nashville and there were frequently nuns leaving or like driving around like a minivan together and we don't frequently we'd like always be at the same light and it always made me laugh so I just look over and I'm like oh there's a bunch of nuns just in the minivan or it was like a sedan just like
just like a car yeah there's some uh German Baptists near where I live which are kind of like Mennonites but they can drive cars they're they they dress like Amish people like with the beards and the Bonnets and all the things but they drive cars and stuff so I will regularly be at the grocery store and see like Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie behind the wheel of like a Prius and it's very confusing when we were living in Nashville we had some friends who worked for harpercollins
and um they were telling us that like one of the best sellers for romance was actually like Amish Romance and you'd sometimes see like a little bit of ankle if she was feeling flirty or maybe it was an accident I don't know I can't tell if I want to read that or if I want to avoid it at all costs um given the books you normally read I I think it might not be as um exciting as you go for noted yeah um considering like all of the reverse Harem books you read and like
knife play but blood Play Breath play and then you're like or I saw a hint of an ankle I saw a small piece of collarbone oh some collarbone I know that is so spicy right um so back to ruthless creatures we're really bad at this we're gonna Focus we might not and that's also okay we can own who we are so Natalie doesn't want Sloan hovering over her um especially with the actual anniversary being tomorrow and so she's like I'm fine I'm fine like I'm good and so Tipsy Natalie decides to walk up to
cage who she's never spoken to but she now knows that he is her new neighbor and is like explains that they're neighbors now and is explains that she's had too much to drink and is like can I get a ride home like I'm not like hitting on you but like can I get a ride home and he shuts her down too and so Sloane is like something tragic must have happened like in his life like he must have lost a spouse that's the only reason like he cannot be a heterosexual warm-blooded male and turn
down both of us and just like kind of like creates this like tragic narrative for him so switch to Cage's perspective real fast he's like oh damn she's really beautiful like I was not expecting her to be so stunning but I can't let that distract me from what I came here to do we don't know what that is that's like just like a quick like less than one minute chapter where you're like [Music] got it do you have sound effects when you read yeah as well okay the next morning Sloan calls Natalie and
Natalie's like why are you calling me so early and this one is like yeah it's after 10 a.m I've already taught two yoga classes reorganized my pantry and like did whatever and Natalie's like I'm very hungover right give me give me a break here so Sloan reminds her that um they are going to donate Natalie's wedding dress or like take it to a consignment shop she's like it's time you need to like let go of this you need to get rid of it um so Sloane is on her way over Natalie
decides to like put on the dress One Last Time ouch right I'm like oh girl basket um and she's like when she puts it on she realizes like oh man like I'm really thin and I've lost a lot of weight and like I'm not even filling this dress out but it almost like has the memories where like David was always telling her like you should eat more and work out more and have a body more like Sloans and she was like oh yeah she's like you know that always kind of made me feel shitty so
like we know she's like still sad about the fiance but this was like one of the first Snippets that we like have of him and we're like was he incredible right or is he just dead [ __ ] man I think everyone can ruminate on that line in therapy so yeah so yeah you can thank me when you talk to your therapist about that the therapist won't thank Anna no but you can so there's a knock on the door Natalie's like oh Sloane's here so she just shouts come in and then in the wedding dress
still yeah she's like in the wedding dress and then cage pops into the room and she's like what oh Sloane's wearing boots today and cage is like you're getting married and she's like um no no like it's just a weird interaction um but then cage is like that dress doesn't suit you and she's like the only proper response when you see a woman in a wedding dress is to tell her she looks beautiful and he's like you do like you are beautiful but not because of that fussy dress and you're like wait what
old um especially after he shut her down so hard the night before yes like we're getting mixed messages here buddy well and I guess um a package got delivered to his house for her so that's really the only reason he had popped over was not to make amends just like I got a package for you um I'm sure he does hey he does yeah there's a lot of his package moving forward in this book not quite yet um he leaves the house like like it's almost like he like realized what he
said and like got flustered and just like here's the package and left very quickly um Sloan has a date the night of the anniversary that she forgot about she's like I can cancel it I can like come hang out with you and Matt is like don't do that I'm gonna go take myself out on a date as well and Sloane is on a date with a local Tech guy named Stavros he is here in the future of the book as well so I thought I would tell us his name um I don't know I grew up in a very Greek area
everyone's last name sounded like a fungus it's Kelsey I'm everyone who lived there said that that's not like me being an [ __ ] stop Monopoly okay I'll give you that I'll give you that right yeah not being an [ __ ] I'm just not hating just Satan I did not like that I just said that damn it oh Natalie takes herself to this very nice steak restaurant for dinner she orders herself a full bottle of the most expensive champagne which she can't afford on her teacher's salary so she's
like putting this [ __ ] on my credit card but I am living my truth today if there was ever a day to do it yes um cage is also at the restaurant of course he is and the um I don't know the maitre d That's the word I'm going for the majority walks up to her and it's like the gentleman has asked that you join him and she's like oh okay fine she's like I guess it like beats the staring I don't know so she says yes and then there he's like let's reintroduce ourselves so he he's like my
name is cage she's like first or last name he's like yes and I'm like okay like Beyonce I was gonna say like share but yeah or brandy and I know we previously talked about Brandy yeah yeah what was her last she had a last name well so does Beyonce yeah but I feel like like bran if you say Brandy people are like which one right like I feel like Beyonce no one's ever like oh which one I there are a few that I know could you be more specific um he's like do you always drink this
much and she's like no it's just like I know you drink this much two days a year on the anniversary of like tells him the story of her fiance disappearing and then he's like I like your dress and she's like it's simple then he's like Perfection doesn't need embellishment okay he's bold that's the best word to describe cage um honestly there were a lot of quotes that I like wanted to outline but there were just so many that I'm like what is freaking Happening Here Yeah so
like she tells him the full story of her fiance disappearing and like um but then it's like I'm so sorry that was so insensitive of me to tell you and he's like what do you mean she's like well like because of your loss oh no and he's like yeah uh I've never lost a spouse I've never been married I've never been divorced I don't have any kids and she's like oh I guess the narrative that Sloane made up to explain why you turned us down I don't think she said that but
in her head she's like I'm like girl you created that narrative to make yourself feel better but then you actually like did you think it was true you know like like she did apparently she drank that much she did and then she asked what he does for a living and he's like I'm a collector she's like of what like of antiques and he's like a debts dun dun I was like of what that too we'll get there um yeah so they're just like going back and forth and he propositions her
and like tells her that he bought her house for cat or bought his house for cash um to um like not embezzle the money invest no it was to like clean the money essentially yeah um it's like that's why I bought the house for cash and he's only leaving in a few days um and she's like why why are you telling me this and he's like well I want you to trust me and you're like you guys don't know each other and then like she keeps like interrupting him and he's like interrupt
me one more time and I'll take you over my knee at this table and I'm like you've known her for like one day and this is your first conversation with her um again during money launder that's the word I was going I was waiting for you to get there you could have helped me get there did you know the word I was yes but I was comfortable with where you went is that because you like watching me flounder because I like I know because I make up random like when I was like talking about liquid courage
and kept calling it emotional Lube like is that what you were were you like if I sit here on the word launder long enough Chelsea will either find it or embarrass herself and I will because it's true uh now you said as an acceptable synonym you didn't need me I always eat you I always need you um but then she's also like so like why where's this where's all this coming from like what the heck changed since we talked yesterday it's like yesterday you weren't under my protection and now you
are and you're like what okay what does that even mean yeah and who knows and then like the waiter keeps coming up and interrupting and like cage looks at the waiter and he's like come up and and interrupt us one more time and I'm going to shoot you between the eyes so you're like this man is so unnecessarily intense and then like he propositions her again and he's like let me finger [ __ ] you under the table while I feed you like come sit on my lap again bold well and she's like
I just told you my fiance like the five year anniversary um this is a bit much thank you for the generous offer and she takes off and leaves and so he follows her out and like apologizes if he offended her and then he's like if you want to be left alone I'll totally respect that um but you need to know I want to this is a direct quote I want to [ __ ] your sweet [ __ ] and your perfect ass and anything else you'll let me [ __ ] because you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen
in my life he's like I'll leave you alone but I haven't heard you tell me to leave you alone yet and then he and then he hops in his car at the valet and speeds away that is the height of romance I mean just straight Swoon worthy that I'll tell my husband got me [Laughter] not her husband spoiler I am JT Geisinger and I don't know how to pronounce my own name this is autobiographical oh my God it's not oh my God is your dead fiance the guy in the white denim because that's what did
him in I was gonna say he might have deserved it poor Mitch I think that was his name I was trashed I do not remember you know you said you lost your glasses I have found glasses and sunglasses at bars and just will put them on like okay so it's good I wasn't there because your glasses would have disappeared so might I ask that if that ever happens in the future you're just like I'm gonna be a good Samaritan and put them on the table in a very prominent location if they're
sunglasses who gives a [ __ ] actually mine are prescription so hahaha it'll [ __ ] up your eyesight jokes on you um okay but yeah just like if I could um request that you be a Good Samaritan and just put them on a table and then drunk whoever can go oh there they are and just go grab them I hear your request and I will take it into consideration but it's not like if they're reading glasses I don't give a [ __ ] but like I don't have good Vision I that would
have been a long weekend without glasses got it would have no oh that would have that would have sucked um I was yeah I was in Grand Rapids Michigan I lived in Dallas Texas at the time it was a whole thing um so the next morning Matt is telling Sloane all about the dinner and Sloan's like so so you're gonna [ __ ] him right and Natalie's like no I'm not going to [ __ ] him and Sloane's like girl break your dry spell she's leaving in a few days anyway think of it as therapy for your vagina like
just go get you some and Natalie's like I don't I'm not there and then Sloane was like hey Natalie I love you and I'm gonna tell you a really hard truth David is dead like nice like she's like David is gone he's not coming back he went on a hike the day before your wedding on a trail he knew like the back of his hand he's not coming back like you need to move on um like and I really love Sloan for her level of like friendship in this book right um yeah like he was an avid hiker like
hyped like several times a week like there's no reason he shouldn't have come back and so Sloan's like he would want you to be happy like he would not be happy knowing that like this is the life you're living five years later um then there's a knock on the front door after this phone call and it's a random dude that Natalie doesn't know and he's like hey yeah my family owns the whatever apartment complex and it's the apartment complex that David was living in when he died
or when he disappeared and they recently renovated and they found a letter addressed to Natalie in David's handwriting um that like had no date stamp um but it was like yellowed and stained and it was like he put it in like the outgoing box and it like got stuck and caught and like oh so no one knew it was there until they were renovating right so she opens it and like finds a key and she's like I have no idea what the hell this key goes to whatever okay so she's like does what we
would all do and I appreciated the humanity of this she Googles how do you find the the lock to a key I have a random key how do I find what it costs you um she did not yield great success I was gonna say how what um yes so there's a knock on the door um another knock on the door it's a busy house it is a busy house it's Chris the sheriff that she had dumped um and he wants to rekindle things and he's kind of like well when I dumped you I kind of thought it would like light a
fire under your ass and she's like so let me tell you about this co-worker but I think you should date and he's like the one who dresses like she's Amish and he she's like she's really great oh nap yeah um but he when she opens the door she'd like just been searching for like what the key goes to and she like has like the key's the only thing in this envelope oh there's no letter there's no letter there's just the key and so she's like holding it and he's like oh like
what what do you have there's like oh I just found this random key because I guess um her parents had left for the house when they retired and they moved to like Arizona or something and so she's like yeah I need to like call my parents and see what this key goes to and like lies about where it comes from and he's like oh it looks like the exact it looks like my safety deposit box key like in fact like and he like grabs it from her and like turns it over and he's
like oh like that see like that's the box number on the back it looks just like mine over at Wells Fargo she's like let David make that Bank of America like I have more questions than answers now um and but like Chris like won't let up on me like I made a mistake please go back out with me and she's like no thank you and then he like grabs her and tries to kiss her and she's like starting like very like forcibly like be like don't touch me like let me go right and then
cage shows up uh-oh and is like threatens to beat the [ __ ] out of him or whatever if he doesn't leave Chris scurries away and then K just like hey I put my house on the market and I'm leaving um okay yeah and he like gives her her his phone number and he's like just in case she's like just in case of what and he's like anything like your roof leaks and she's like are you a roofer oh Nat yeah that's excellent like I love how obtuse she is that's awesome like it's incredible because I'm like
like part of it is her being sassy and part of it is her generally like not getting it um and then she like kisses his cheek as he's leaving and says thank you and he's like thank you for what she's like thank you for making me feel something for the first time in five years and then he's gone um switch we're gonna switch back to cage so cage takes a call from the federal prison um asking if he finished the job and he's like yes yes I did and then the dude on the other
end of the call is like what did she know anything and cage was like no no she didn't know anything um and then we learned he's talking to his boss and that he lied to him because he was sent to this Tiny Town to get info from Nat so he's a collector of information and deaths and probably bodies I was gonna say and potentially like Toes or tongues or something not antiques not antiques not stamps no not buttons is button collecting a thing I don't know I was thinking of actually coins
what's a round thing it's small when you were a kid did you have that like tri-fold for the all of the United States quarters yes I don't think I ever finished mine me either no I lost interest um so cage says on the phone to his boss that like he's gonna go start following up on other leads um and but it's like also like in his head he's like if anyone finds out that like I didn't finish the job and like she's still alive like we're both dead because I just lied to like my my big boss huh
intrigue mystery anal how I describe it there's really only one anal scene I'm just being overly dramatic um Natalie goes to Wells Fargo with very low expectations and is like yeah so like I have this key like I don't know um and then they're like oh like David whatever and Natalie Pearson or Peterson or whatever the hell her last name is and she's like oh I'm on the account yeah I'm here for my safety deposit box then she asked she's like so like my cousin wants to
like open a safety deposit box like what all goes into that they're like oh like she answer com with like two forms of ID and she's like oh I think she would want like my Aunt like her mom to also be on there does she need to come too like yeah whoever's gonna be on the like have a key to open the box needs to be present so Natalie's like how did he pull this off because I did not do this um she goes the only thing in the box is a letter that is like the like oh we're getting married
tomorrow letter and like I really love you and like but also one of those things that she's like why would he mail me a key to a safety deposit box that only has a letter that he could have just given me in person right so then she's like breaking down reading this letter it's like very sweet you're the love of my life all that good stuff um but yeah she's like things aren't adding up but she can't quite figure out what it is so that was back like August September we're now several months in
the future cage has been gone Natalie is like getting her life back to normal after the anniversary passed and after like freaking out about David's letter um it's now the Night Before Christmas is all through the house is it no it's not the Night Before Christmas it's just like Christmas break okay there were several times that I thought it was either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and then I realized I was wrong with this book and that could be the writing or it could be user error
um little column a little column B probably more column B if I'm being like let's go 90
no 80 user error won't do 80 20. yeah yeah I'm comfortable with that um so she is doing some holiday baking and she's like the oven in my house is janky and old the cookies have one minute left only one minute if I take them out in one minute they're perfect if I take them out in two minutes no one gets cooked okay it's very much like one of those janky old ovens I get that um there's a knock on her door yet again also what is this pen station there's like so many people coming through here
I'm I'm in my 30s and I'm just gonna readily own that if I'm not expecting a knock on my door sometimes I still hit the ground [Laughter] until they go away because my husband is the one with the with the Ring app and the ring notification so I'm just out here freeballing it I have no idea I just sit and wait and see if my husband's gonna get it and if he doesn't then nobody gets it well the pro like do your dogs bark when yeah Andy will go bananas yeah that's
honestly normally the problem is that like our dog will go to the door and then I want to shout like Brandon damn it be chill man cool gonna make but then they'll know I'm here and to be fair in my head I'm like they'll know I'm home because normally my dog is crated and if my dog is at the front door then they'll know I'm home or he would be in his crate that I'm like a lot of people don't create their dogs yeah and nobody would know that I've created this entire narrative in my head
but at least I'm not speaking to them about it like Natalie did about creating cages fake dead partner sure yeah giving myself some credit here I can appreciate that uh so it's cage at the front door there's a knock it's cage my notes just say he comes on real strong but she's here for it like she's like I haven't stopped thinking about him since he left and apparently he hasn't stopped thinking about me since he left and he's like I couldn't stay away and then like in this conversation he's
like are you the jealous type and she's like I don't know right do you do things that someone needs to be jealous about [Laughter] he's like no like when I'm with someone I'm just with them and like just this very like you knew each other for about 48 hours four months ago right and we are just jumping in head first here and so he like tells her he's interested and he's like well but you'll have to make the first move and she's like what would you call everything that's happened since
you knocked on my door like you made the first move you showed up at my house and he's like your SAS will also get you taken over my knee sort of and you're like but once again she's here for it um so he's like all right you have to make the next move like you have my phone number use it if you want to hey there's my puppies we'll get you right back to the show in just a moment but first do you like us maybe even love us we sure love you and if you do love us don't tease us
now listen those ratings and reviews wherever you're listening right now maybe even send us over to a special sexy someone that would enjoy getting smutty with us as you know the first rule of smug Club is to talk about SMUD Club all right I won't keep you any longer let's get back to the show [Music] so Natalie call Sloane the next day while she's out yeah like must have been right before the holiday break um it was in December that's what matters like she calls Natalie on her lunch
break at the school and is like Natalie calls alone I don't know what I just said whatever you knew what I meant Natalie calls Sloan to talk about cage showing up at her house thank you see Hannah I do need you I pay attention and let me guess thank you Sloan is like jump on that a mediamente yeah ride that train she goes two words [ __ ] him I feel like I would very much identify with Sloan yeah I really enjoyed Sloane's book as well because there's like a mobster gangster dude whose name
is spider and within like their first conversation she gets him to tell him that his real name is Homer yes and then like she calls him Homer and someone's like how the hell do you know but then she's like what like we just talk like I made a friend yes very much her energy but she's like two words [ __ ] him and then Sloan is like hey why don't you invite him out on a double date with me and Stavros tonight um so Natalie calls cage and once again this man not afraid to come on strong
because she calls and he's like I was just thinking about you and she's like oh yeah he's like yeah my [ __ ] is rock hard okay right I don't I literally would just be I mean that is a personal problem bro and I'm not sure what you want me to do about it but I can tell you what I will do about it nothing but I'm like you know like 10 minutes later she has to go back to teaching 12 year olds how to paint right oh yikes oh and she's like uh-huh and she's like
okay well can I ask that maybe you like reel it in a little bit like you are coming on kind of but she's just like she's not like I'm not here for this she's just like
so you're at an 11. and if we could dial it back but like there's no like numerical value she gives him right right right right yeah um and then she asks them out to go in the double well she asked him out for the night he like hangs up before she can even tell him it's a double date but when she asks them out he's like oh like my plan is working and she's like what's your plan and he's like to make you mine okay again I know yeah that's a normal response to that you know it's so intense so
um we Flash the date he is punctual he's there right on time he brings her flowers she swoons she um goes to put the flowers in water and then like once again he's like I really want you to trust me and so he like tells her she's like so tell me about your debt collecting job and he's like I'm a criminal I don't remember exactly how that played out but he does tell her that he's like the biggest and baddest Criminal you know when they say that it's usually not true it is
true in this situation okay yeah my experience in general I've worked with a lot of different people who've done a lot of different things and usually the ones that are like oh honey like that's cute are the ones that are like I'm the biggest and the baddest and it's the ones that are quiet that you need to be very wary of The Quiet Ones they're always watching they are always waiting they are they'll never find your body they will not um so when I used to work crisis in
Nashville we had just opened this like brand new multi-million dollar treatment facility and all of the new furniture we had was weighted with sand so it was either not able to be thrown or very very heavy and difficult to throw furniture the very first day I was gonna say did they take into consideration the PCP strength or um what they didn't take into consideration was that they ran out of sand the day before and so oh no not like everything had just enough weight
to like have heft to it but like not enough to like so they just made them better weapons yes and so the very first day and this brand new treatment facility this like quiet dude um also they did a great job with the sound dampening because we didn't hear [ __ ] happen oh he got pissed takes like one of the weighted tables or chairs I don't remember which Chucks it like destroys the window like breaks the window out like the first day by the time we knew that anything had
happened he's just sitting calmly in the room again I'm like that's more terrifying 100 like I don't I didn't like to go Hands-On I never wanted to go Hands-On but I'm like it's more unsettling when you just destroyed a window and then when we come into the room you're just like hello I'm ready for my assessment you know you know what I mean yes I do know what you mean I do know what you mean the guy that so there was a guy that picked up a chair and hit me in the face
with it when I worked crisis stabilization that's how I broke my nose the third time and but before that for weeks he was just like I'd come on the unit he'd be like hey Miss Hannah you gonna have lunch with me today like nope not today maybe like you got a boyfriend like yep and like just keep walking he wasn't on my caseload those that was literally our only interaction until one day we had our daily discussion about lunch plans and my love life and then he just
picked up a chair and hit me in the face with it like nothing like he had just been calm as could be and then yeah and then I got hit in the face really hard was it because you kept spurning his advances I mean I guess so I don't know but I do remember that there was a tech on the unit like an orderly um that he had played football I think for Georgia Tech and it was like he'd been waiting for this moment his entire life he was like straight The Flash coming down the hallway and just took
this guy to the ground and I'm just like standing there with my hands under my face catching all this blood and I was like thanks to fonte laughs but the good news was I got to go home and they gave me workman's comp because I looked so scary they didn't want me on the unit some of our mental health checks were some of my absolute 100 favorite co-workers we had one dude because I I worked second shift so I worked 2 P.M to 2 A.M and he worked third shift um but he worked seven P to 7A so like
we had there was just like five hours of my shift that like we didn't overlap and this man he like he wasn't like he wasn't the tallest like I'd say he's probably like five eight five nine but he just had this presence about him that was like I know exactly what you're talking about I'm like you don't need to be tall like I feel like a lot of times like oh I'm I'm like six seven and I'm a mental health Tech and I'm like you are a [ __ ] marshmallow like you are the Michelin Man I'm like you
just like if your size does not intimidate them into like not acting a fool we're all screwed because your size was really what we had going for us here and this dude he's like five nine I just look over it'd be like 1am and he's just like he'd always kept gloves in his back pocket and so yeah he was always ready no matter what happened but I just look over and he take the gloved out of his pocket and put him on and they do like knuckle push-ups at like 1am and I'm like
you good he's like just staying awake and I'm like okay I do not want to cross you nope please be my friend yes I loved this man he was one of my absolute favorites I was so sad when he left um anyway cage is like I'm the biggest and the baddest criminal we do learn there's some truth to this once again he's like I really want you to trust me so I'm gonna tell you all of the truths and then she's like which is a bold opening move well and she's like I never want you to lie to me
and he's like mind you she's had some like trauma she's had some [ __ ] and so then he's like well then I there are some things that I might just keep to myself like there's a lot of very quick back and forth that's honestly kind of hard to like cover and document um yeah so he's a big bad criminal they have an intense makeout session in the kitchen um and he still doesn't know it's a double date right she does tell him she's like she's like you hung up and before we and
he's like no like that's like fine but like but she tells him she's like I'm the kind of girl like once I fall in love I'm all in and he's like oh trust me you're gonna fall in love with me and she's like once I Fall In Love even death can't make me fall out and then cage is like you're missing fiance doesn't deserve the Loyalty that you're showing him are you still in love with him and she's like it's over if it weren't I wouldn't feel so strongly about you and like girl
that don't make no sense we went from six to midnight on we did your libido I don't know like we just went from like no one like it's like [ __ ] cobwebs down there just suddenly being like I'll love you till death if I fall in love and I'm like where oh my God where did we like I'm pretty sure he was just trying to get his dick wet why are we why are we going he's so hard they're both going so hard because she I don't like that no because she's like it's over because if it weren't
like I wouldn't feel so strongly about you and he's like good because I don't share with a dead man well no he said missing he didn't say dead um so they go to the restaurant um and Natalie um immediately is like there's some weird tense Vibes here also Stavros and Sloan invited to a stavros's friends on this double date so it's like Sloan Nat stavrus cage two dudes that like are just like staring at cage like with like a little bit of fear and just like respect and like recognition like you
know yeah and recognition and Sloane is like yeah this is Alex and Nick and when they introduce themselves like they're he's like one like I'm Nikolai like I'm a Lexi like I don't know not the names they gave me or whatever um and Stavros like is the dude who works in Tech but like they're all just like staring at him and then like a few words are exchanged in Russian and then like they like drop their eyes and like are no like just like the fearful respect right um
then like all of the dudes start just like deferring to cage where like cage ordered Sloan and Natalie like whatever wine they'd been drinking the night that he met them at the bar like he noticed what wine they were drinking then he ordered himself a scotch or something to drink and then all of the men are like we will drink what he is drinking like that and you're like uh okay just to have a beverage that you want don't make it weird well and so then Natalie's realizing like with the
Russian with all of this and she's like he's in the Mafi she's like [ __ ] man you don't know him you don't even know if cage is his first or last name and like we're just stuck in the lustiness Beyonce is her first name does she only go by one yes but if someone says Beyonce is that your first or last name she's not going to say yes she's going to say that's my first name yeah so Natalie's like oh [ __ ] first dude in five years I've been into I know how to
pick them so she's she gets up and like excuses herself from the table and like runs and um like goes through like not a bathroom it was like an employee break room or something like that and like cage is like immediately on her heels and like locked the door and she's like you're not like a good like [ __ ] like you are like a high-ranking Russian hi you're not a good person and he's like well you knew I wasn't a choir boy and she's like well you didn't tell me you
were head of the Russian mafia and he's like I'm not the head I'm number two and then she's like what he's like no one's perfect now and then she's like is that why I should stay because like no one's perfect and he's like no this is and then he kisses her and so then they're like very intensely making out and then he's like pulls her like one leg up and wraps it around his hip and he's like tell me you don't want me but your sweet [ __ ] will tell the truth you're soaked right
through your panties um in the employee break room at this restaurant it's just not no it's like the whole the whole time the funny thing is I ran this is my second time reading this book and the first time I read it a long time ago I don't think it like hit me quite how like aggressive it was and then this time I was just like what the [ __ ] a buddy yeah so then there's like a lot of dirty talk as he like rubs her through her panties um she relents and is like okay I guess I'm here for this
because this feels really nice that's the enthusiastic consent we're looking for all right I guess I think the consent in the book was that she hiked her leg up higher on his hips so he could have better oh well then that counts um it doesn't there's more dirty talk she orgasms and then a gunshot goes off in the restaurant oh my stars what so um switch like cage cage tells Natalie to stay put that he's gonna go and investigate um then he's hearing like not just like
people shouting in Russian he's hearing them shouting in Irish as well and he's like the Irish are here what the [ __ ] so he looks Alexi and Nikolai they did like and then he sees Stavros and Sloan like star versus protecting Sloan and they're like hiding and like Sloan being the badass she is like silently like tilts her head towards the kitchen doors and like holds up two fingers and like he's like oh yeah like I'm just here for she's like I'm not I'm just watching
what's happening and like Snappers has a gun in front of me and okay there's two in the kitchen go get them big guys this is kind of the energy so um cage goes into the kitchen he like an employee sees him go into the kitchen who's also hiding who like sees his face um goes in kills the two Irish dudes who are in there but then he's also like like when they when he turned around I shot him in the chest he's like I never shoot a man in the back it's unsportsmanlike
um okay yeah so then he grabs Nat and like he's eliminated the threats like Stavros has left with Sloan he takes off with Nat um that starts freaking out on the drive back Fair rightly slow so rightly so I can talk um also like this is her first date get well not I guess she dated three dudes in the past five years this is the first dude she's been into and it's like this is the first date she's given a [ __ ] about in five years it I don't think it went how she wanted it to go
I mean she did get off but I don't think comparisons I I she probably wanted is an orgasm the metric for a good date I don't know I don't know what her metric is I don't think she knows what her metric is either because she starts freaking out in the car um and then cage starts giving her advice on like if the police show up you do not need to speak with them like like just like all of like just telling her what to do and um but he is also like telling her that her being tied to him
puts her in danger and like he they will never be public like they their relationship will always be secret just to keep her safe um and cage is like so no more dates then well I think he just wants to keep flying to this Tiny Town on the north side of Lake Tahoe and [ __ ] her and hoping no one notices I don't know and he's because he says he's like if you knew what was good for you like you'd tell me to leave you alone and then he's also like oh and I can't have kids
because I had a vasectomy at 21. because like this life is really dangerous um but if you choose me I'll give you everything else you've ever wanted you'll be my queen vasectomies can be reversed yeah but I guess that wasn't the point here no I think we picked up on a weird detail of everything that's happening I was like he could have that reverse to be wanted but I guess that's not the point he doesn't want kids is what he's saying oh I think it's that like it's
too dangerous a life like he wouldn't want to bring kids into right being the number two for the Russian family in New York sure sure um but Natalie decides to go for it she's like okay honey gunshots did they freak me out sure was that orgasm worth it apparently that isn't her mentoring of a great day um they get to the house and they bone it's intense and because it's like everything else and he keeps being like if yeah like your sass will get you taken over my knee and she's like I
don't give you permission to spank me yet oh God right um and then like she says to him she's like all of these years I don't think I was waiting for him to come back I think I was waiting for you and I'm like oh girl girl he showed back up yesterday you have known this man 72 hours yeah but she spent a collective three and a half with him like girl you don't know him you don't even know his name like I can't get past that you don't even know his [ __ ] name
he's not Beyonce I mean I'm not here to judge uh a random Anonymous hookup but that's not what this is is slated to be no so they have like a cute post-coito conversation um cage is like I'm gonna make you dinner because she clearly didn't get dinner at the restaurant he feeds her makes like breakfast for he just makes like bacon and eggs um and then like puts the food or puts the plate on the nightstand her drawer is a little open and he sees that she has a Bevy of sex choice
bounty Bevy an array array a myriad a cornucopia oh we're gonna go with cornucopia she has a cornucopia I'm sorry also now I'm all I'm thinking is like the horn filled with sex toys and Lube um Happy Thanksgiving Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night I don't know why that's what I just thought of oh okay we'll move past that um so he uses some of her sex toys on her the bone again she practices her dirty talk this time he's into it they fall asleep in the morning he's gone and the
police are knocking at the door nice so the detective there's two detectives who are at the door one of them is the one who um was covering David's disappearance who like was never really helpful always kind of thought Natalie was involved and was just kind of like a dick of a woman a female detective sure I don't remember her name um and Natalie just like grow some balls on her and she's like yeah I have nothing to say um you I'm under no obligation to speak
with you and unless you're here to give me an update on my dead fiance get the hell off my property nice and like goes back in the house there's another knock on the door it's Chris who they've sent up to because he's also in law enforcement right but wouldn't that be a major conflict of interest like wouldn't they not want to send him up there well but he also like still likes her so I think he thinks that like it might be helpful when she's like no [ __ ] you right
um and so she refuses to talk to him too and he's like we have your purse it was left like it was at the restaurant do you know anything about the shooting and she's like no my purse went missing a few days ago at the dry cleaner I haven't seen it since yeah and just completely lies to him and then he's like yeah you were there with your neighbor like the here's a witness sketch and she like looks at the sketch and she's like damn that is a good likeness of cage and [ __ ] she's like I
don't know what you're talking about then Chris is like are you [ __ ] him she's like leave and like no I'm not answering that question and he's like someone has to protect you like I'm gonna keep an eye out for you I don't think we want his kind of protection no his production just like means like creepily like driving past her house on a frequent basis kind of protection um Sloan calls she's in Rome with Stavros they're on his yacht like like they're going to be Sloan when I grow up yes
Sloan is the best so she's safe in Rome with Stavros they have a whole Mediterranean Cruise planned on his yacht yeah and she's like living my dream um then cage calls and he's like I left you a phone in the top drawer of like in the kitchen like it's untraceable use this one from now on and she's like oh what's the password on it he's like your mom's birthday and she's like what like how do you know that and he's like I know everything about you creepy yeah like knows like and he's like I know
um it's a good thing that your parents gifted you that house and you don't have a mortgage and that you spend way too much of your like paltry teacher's salary uh donating it to like animal shelters and like oh like he knows like all of her finances this is a man obsessed apparently yes um he tells her he had to leave but he'll be back for Christmas um and then he also tells her like he set up a trust for her so she doesn't have to work anymore if she doesn't want to
she's like wait what and he's like yeah I mean it's like seven figures if that's not enough just let me know I can give you more and she's like what we [ __ ] once man so like it's this weird balance with a million dollar [ __ ] baby right well and at one point in the book she says she's like I kind of feel like a 10 million dollar prostitute he's like well what what if we say it was 50 and the rest was a tip I was like I don't think that makes it better oh just the tip hey oh
um have we talked about this before there was a show I just remember Tom Everett Scott Shades from that thing you do was on it I don't remember the name of the show my husband could probably tell me because we've watched it a couple times but she asked her husband like how much he thinks she could make as a prostitute and he's like let me crunch some numbers and get back to you and so he's like all right I've really been thinking about this I think you could make 500 as a
prostitute and she's like five hundred dollars I wouldn't touch tongue to tip for 500.
she's like what the [ __ ] and he's like that's not a small amount of money I would not touch tongue to tip for five hundred dollars that's my new favorite thing right I'll have to find the name of the show and send it to you because it's brilliant I will watch it yes um but yeah so okay just cage is like see you at Christmas baby and then where then he's gone into the wind again so Christmas break now Christmas break rolls around before it was just December see user error got it
um Natalie is home alone and I think it's Christmas Eve and Chris stops by to check on her and he has clearly been drinking and she's like you're in your patrol car and you smell like alcohol and like get the [ __ ] off my property and he won't and he's like I know who your neighbor is and like cage is a really bad dude um he's known as the reaper he's a killer see he collects bodies um and you look and he's like I showed his picture like that witness photo drawing sketch to the FBI
um and like they know who he is but I like didn't tell them that like you were Affiliated because I wanted to protect you and she's like leave right he's like I won't like I am protecting you and so she grabs the shotgun that her dad left at the house and is like stop harassing me or I will shoot you and he's like I'm just trying to protect like but he ends up leaving the shotgun's not loaded she's like I don't even I don't even have anything to load in it it was just here it looks scary
that's awesome right um but then she's like well Chris's Chris left cage isn't here yet I'm just alone on Christmas Eve so she wakes up um yeah she goes to bed kind of sad she wakes up cage is in her house he has been shot but like he's like it's not that bad it's fine and she's like let me clean your wound and he's like I need to [ __ ] you first and she's like we can do that instead what fine where are the priorities I my priority is not getting blood on the
sheets if I'm being completely honest blood is very difficult to get out especially if it's like a lot of blood and it goes through and like is on the mattress pad [ __ ] that no or it works if you don't have a mattress pad just gets on the mattress yeah if it gets on the mattress you just have to get a new mattress right there's no coming back from that um also I think it Bears repeating we don't know him like what's we don't know we should be not not engaging in any
sort of blood play with people we don't know well my notes Here say he wants to Bone first she's like you still can't spank me I've decided you can't do anything to me that you won't let me do to you they bone then they bone again in the shower okay then they're both like we are all in like you are my person I am your person we are together um when she was like did you come right here after you were shot and he's like yeah that's where you go to feel better you go home and she's like isn't your
home in New York and he's like home can be a person I was like y'all have spent lesson less than 12 hours together a week at this point and most of it has been [ __ ] but anyway what else did you need to know besides the size of his dong and his ability to use his fingers well and we do learn a little bit more about cage he like actually tells her about him some um his parents and his sister are all deceased from the gang violences up in New York um and then Natalie he's like oh I need
to go next door and get some clothes and she's like oh like I bought you some clothes like I just I just bought you some like comfy like Lounge stuff to have at the house and he's like but you haven't touched your trust she's like yeah I just bought it with my own money which is like really touching to him because no one outside of his parents had like ever bought anything for him so like now he's like even more amazed by her oh so then we switched to Cage's
perspective and he's like I have to tell her the truth but I don't want a loser um so what we learn of his knowledge at this point he knows her fiance did not die in a hiking accident what um he knows he was supposed to kill her last September we we don't know all of what he came looking for but like we know he was sent to collect some info from her and kill her um and then he also knows that if his boss ever found out he lied about killing her it would be Bad News Bears
yes those are my words not cages um noted Natalie then sews up the bullet wound um with well she like grabs like cotton yarn or like cotton like string At first she just has like Silk sutures hanging around well and he's like just throw some duct tape over stick I'm not gonna throw duct tape over it and he's like but you'll use cot and string and she's like oh should I not he's like no he's fishing line or unflavored um dental floss those are the preferred methods oh and then she's like you know
wasn't as bad as I thought once I got into it you're just like oh Zip Zip and it's all sewn up um and okay yeah and he's like I've been shot like six or ten times I don't know I always get a tattoo over it um Natalie tells him about Chris tells him that Chris showed his photo to the FBI and cage is like yeah I have a contact in the FBI don't even worry it's already been handled the photo's gone he's like thanks babe you're cute I got it yes um but then he's also like I want you to
move closer so I can see you more often like what if I move you to New Jersey she's like Jersey and he's like what if I move you to Martha's Vineyard it's only a five hour drive from and he's she's like what and then he's like we're at a stalemate because I'm in the brat foot and I have a Blood Oath that like I like can't leave them and like I want to be with you but I can't and she's like here forgetting I'm ride or die and I'm all in and I'm totally yours and I'm like
she okay we're just gonna sacrifice our entire lives and okay she did not agree to move we backed off that conversation smidge um it snows they wake up on Christmas Day to a white Christmas cute he gives her a promise ring it is a Russian love knot um promise rings are what high school seniors give their girlfriends before they split up and go to college and then never speak again or if you grew up in a Conservative Christian household you you have a problem Yeah it's you're promising Jesus that
you won't own anyone and then maybe you wear that on your ring finger and then maybe when you do bone someone you just wear it as a normal ring on another finger and hope no one asks you about it um that was very specific it was all hypothetical all hypothetical yeah I was given a promise ring um but that ship had sailed at that point and that ship was in Fiji by then so okay regular ring was he actually in Fiji or had it just sailed that long ago that you can
actually sailed that long ago Hannah knowing you I wouldn't be surprised if you're like and then he moved to Fiji to be a farmhand I'd be like that oddly tracks do they have farms in Fiji I would go with like a fisherman once again I think we're getting caught up in the wrong details here no the the ship had sailed that long ago yeah no I was given it well told to protect my honor and that was my sex talk well I remember on Gilmore Girls they like the grandparents invite like a
pastor or priest or someone over for dinner to talk to Rory and they're like and it's a precious gift and if you give that gift away what will you give them you'll have to give them a sweater and she's like I gave that gift away a long time ago I no longer have that gift to offer um so he gives her this Russian love not ring but he's also like it's a promise ring because I can never give you an engagement ring because with my Blood Oath to the Brava I can never marry you okay and um he's like
if I like my boss can choose who I marry for an alliance but like I can never marry you and she's like wait so you could be betrayed to someone else what the [ __ ] and so then she's real upset about all of this and and especially now she's like there's no like we can't have kids and we can't get married and like this relationship what am I going to happen in secret and I'm like yeah we're just thinking about these things now so she tries to storm off to the bathroom and
he follows her and crowds her and then he's like she grabs her hairbrush and it's like don't make me use this on you he's like maybe you should and then he bends over for a spanking what I just wanted to see your face Chelsea is that what really happened yes and so then she stopped it she spanks him some and then she realizes she is into it and finds it hot and she's getting aroused and then he wants his turn and then my notes should say two chapter sex scene we have red light green light system
nice we have spanking we have scarf blindfolds we have stocking bondage we have [ __ ] slaps we have vibrators we have light butt play light but play okay just like a finger okay um yeah and then cage has to leave again but they seem they never really resolve any like it's all sex they just bang about it yes they just bang they bang it out every time cage has to leave again Sloan comes back in town um she comes over to catch up she's telling Nat that there's a war Brewing
between all of the families um and that it started with the shootout at the restaurant a month ago um and then they're like they had this big family meeting where things did not go well and like guns were drawn and then Natalie was like wait was that Christmas Eve and Sloane was like yeah and Natalie's like yeah cage showed up here and he'd been shot and that's like how do you know all of this and she's like after a few days I'm like yeah they just kind of forgot I was there so if I just e-strap
she's dropping hella Eaves picking up this information yes um Natalie tells Sloane about the promise ring and Sloane's like I didn't think you'd get attached I just told you to [ __ ] them and now he's like I told you if I slept with him I'd fall in love with him and Sloane's like I didn't realize your heart was in your vagina oh right um also Natalie has this super chill dog named Mojo he's like this giant dog that you're like he'd be a great attack dog he's not he's just like a sleepy bear
um but while they're having this conversation he starts growling like looking out the window whimpering growling like he is not okay and so Natalie and Sloan go and like lock all the doors shut all the curtains and I'm like that was kind of weird but back to what we were doing um then I don't know cage has a business meeting he's very clearly in charge like someone calls him whatever the word whatever like the head boss word is um but he's not that but then he's like
well I have to like even though they all treat me like that like I can't let that go on like that's a sign of disrespect so he makes the man pull out his own tooth yeah um what a power play pull out your own too Natalie has like text him and was like I miss you then he calls her and she like tells him that she's in love with him and he's like okay everything's good okay yeah um so several days later Natalie's like [ __ ] I haven't heard from I haven't heard from cage and so she's
telling Sloan and she's like but it's also bringing you up memories of her ex-fiancee is like making her very anxious especially knowing he works in a dangerous industry and line of work and such that is such a sanitized way to say in the mob he works in a very dangerous industry like we're talking we're talking the um The Deadliest Catch it's a very dangerous industry you said Deadliest Catch I Heard naked and afraid I've never actually seen the Deadliest Catch I haven't either laughs
I did watch one episode of naked and afraid where was it the naked dating show somebody were they naked and outside or were they naked and having dinner because but it was at a Tropical Paradise outside no I think I've seen one episode of both okay um so Sloane is like hey Natalie you should tell cage that his lack of communication makes you anxious given your previous experience maybe call him communicate this since your heart was in your badge you gotta use your and we're here now
we're here now so she's like okay I'm gonna do it so they hang up and she goes to call him and then she hears his phone his phone ringing in her house and she's like he's here he showed up to surprise her um they bone shocked yeah she acts she asks him to check in more because of David um and then he apologizes and he's like oh my gosh that didn't even dawn on me I can be way better about that but then like he's also brooding and she's like what's wrong you've been through to
someone else and he's like no I'm not and like if he ever tries to make me marry someone else like I would refuse and I'd kill him before I'd betray you you're like wow you signed a book now that's something there was a Blood Oath to get you into this family right how magic is her vagina I was just thinking that she's got some some vagina Powers yeah um so then like she's all in her head and then so when he wakes up or like she wakes him up and she's like I need you
to help me like get out of my head like tie me up for sex and then he's like permission for anal she's like green light I don't think it was light I think it was just green okay yeah so um they do anal it's a pretty long chapter [Laughter] appropriately honestly I don't know if he did oh no but she seemed to enjoy it he used her vibrator on her as well the whole time but like for as massive as his dick was it went from like one finger in her butthole to his whole dick
in her butthole and I'm like I really don't think that was enough prep probably not but apparently the vibrator made up for the difference whatever that's very that's not how it works it's not but I once again is that the detail of all the things we're gonna get caught up on in this book um in this economy I will get caught up on it so she he tells her that Chris won't bother her anymore and that he has to leave the next morning and that like he won't be back for a month this time and
she's like well my birthday is like February February 20th he's like maybe I'm like you are creepy um he knew when your mom's birthday was he knows when your birthday is honey and so on his way out he's like loads of the shotgun just in case and he's like we should probably in case Chris does come back let's make sure she's prepared so a month passes he sent her um a Valentine's Day gift with like a hundred roses and a diamond necklace that she's like it's too big of a diamond necklace
for me to wear anywhere so I just wear it around my house I like that right um and in this time like she notices that there's been like some Footprints in her yard outside and she's like well he said like Chris wouldn't be bothering me anymore but apparently Chris is still bothering me what the [ __ ] um and then he texted her the night before her birthday and he's like I'll see you soon so she's like Yay he'll be here for my birthday she gets all dolled up she makes dinner
eight o'clock rolls around he still isn't there uh oh yeah so she's sitting there sadly eating the cold steak she had me wearing her diamond with her diamond necklace and fancy clothing um and then her phone rings and it's like would you like to accept a collect call from the like Federal Correctional Facility or whatever and so she does and it's his boss it's Maxim magnavich Mad Max and so he was like yeah I was suspicious he was like do you know who I am she's
like yes I do he's like hello yeah and he's like well I was suspicious of all of cages like frequent travels out west so I sent someone to check on it and uh I'm gonna kill you or I'm gonna have you killed um and I'm really bummed I won't be there to see Cage's face when he discovers your body since he should be arriving soon but Victor will tell me and she's like who's Victor and then she hears a voice behind her that's like I'm Victor and Victor's inside the house yes Victor
is inside the house so but then like Victor starts interrogating her and he's like where's the money she's like you mean the trust he set up for me and he's like oh okay there's a trust what bang she's like Bliss bank and like Andorra and he's like oh weird he always like preferred like Swiss banks when he worked for us and she's like wait cage isn't working for them anymore like what happened like what if I missed here um and so he's like what's the account
number and she's like I don't know like I haven't used it or have like I haven't touched any of the money he's like well you couldn't afford those diamonds on your salary and she's like they were a gift and she's just like answering these questions very honestly he's like oh so like what were they good for she's like they were a Valentine's Day gift he's like so you're still in contact and she's like yes you're expecting him to show up at any minute yes I'm still in contact with
him well and then he's like what where is he and she's like he told me he lives in Manhattan he's like right under our noses this whole time and she's like because cage cage has really been lying to me about some [ __ ] yeah um and then he's like um where did you find the time like I wouldn't have pegged you for a [ __ ] and then she's like what I'm not a [ __ ] and he's like I'd call [ __ ] two dudes at the same time a [ __ ] and she's just like I don't understand what what is
happening here so Mojo the precious teddy bear dog gets his act together and attacks Victor good well distraction long enough that she can run um she starts running gets to the front of the house there's like bullets whizzing past her head and then she's like trying to like get out and then there's a really loud shot and she looks up and cage has her dad's shotgun and has blown Victor's head off nice yeah so Victor's dead now Sans head Sans head um cage make sure she's okay then he's
like I'm gonna need to take care of the body and like he's like what happened and she's like well Maxim called and said that she needed to be punished for your betrayals and um she was like Victor asked about like the money and like I told him about like the trust you set up and cage is looking like really guilty and she's like why did he show up like what am I missing here there's a giant piece of this puzzle that I do not have in cages like well he came for the money just like I did
and that is like what money are you talking about and he's like the 100 million your fiance stole from Maxim and she's like my dead fiance David he's like his name is actually Damon and he's not dead nice plot twist um so then we learn David Damon was an accountant for the Brava who was great with numbers and was like so great that like he was making them all this money but he was also skimming off the top the whole time um and then he wanted out and turned
everything over to the feds like turned turned States witness was put into witness protection left his wife and his kids oh damn yes and was like placed out on this very tiny town on the north side of Lake Tahoe that only as we said only had like 4 000 people so then cage and the Gang have been trying to like track him down and they gotta lead like a year ago that he was there but clearly he wasn't because he'd already been gone for four years by the time they like got that lead um and then he
like cage was sent to check it out figure out where the money went so Natalie is like obviously distraught he's like I need you to get out like you've been lying to me like this is this is this I don't know if we can come back from this and he refuses and he's like no like I love you you are like the only thing that makes my life worth living and follows her through the house like tries to kiss her and once I was like damn it F this [ __ ] lets him just like [ __ ] this out of her
again like I have bigger problems right um so he's kissing her and then suddenly he like feels cold metal on his head and she pulled the gun from the back of like his waistband and he's very dramatic and he's like do it I'm dead without you anyway oh my god um but she like lower like she's like I can't kill him and she like lowers the gun takes a deep breath and like she's like just take the gun I don't actually know how to use these things kind of energy she's like I will likely shoot myself
instead of you at this point yeah yes yeah and so um she's like what now like she's like hasn't like forgiven him but is past the shooting him get the hell out of my house stage and he's like well I like I have to go take care of the body um and she's like well what are you gonna do and he's like I'm gonna throw it in I'm gonna like put it in the lake and she's like is that what you were gonna do to me when you were sent here and he's like but I fell in love with you it's kind of
like the tone and energy um so cage is like when I'm gonna go take care of the body really fast when I come back will it come up with a plan because obviously Maxim knows about you so like when Victor doesn't check in he'll keep sending more people and you aren't safe um he leaves an hour later he comes back her house is like destroyed and she's gone uh oh yeah yeah so switching to Natalie's perspective at this point um as soon as cage leaves she goes and she grabs the letter that David had left
for her in the safety deposit box and she's like rereading it and she's like trying to like she's like I feel like I meant like there's something I'm missing here and one line stands out to her where he's like talking about like because she's an artist and teaches art and makes paintings and things and he's like um I know you've always found yourself in your paintings and and I hope you find me there too and or like something like that is the line and she it reminds her of a movie they watch
like right before they were supposed to get married where this like drug kingpin is in jail and he um his wife is visiting him and she's like we have no money and he like says something about like the paintings and then she starts going through the paintings of the house and like finds like secret account codes right and so she starts going through the house and like looking at all of the paintings trying to find something um but then she's like cage is going to
be back any minute and if he comes back and sees me doing this he's going to catch on to something so she's like I'm just gonna start breaking [ __ ] make him think I had a full breakdown so yeah she just like destroys her own house and then on the back of one of the paintings she finds the word Panama and she's like that's where we were supposed to go on our honeymoon I can fit follow these Clues so she takes her dog over to Sloane's house like she packs a bag takes the dog to
Sloans and then buys a first class ticket to Panama okay yep um she gets to Panama I'm not gonna bore you she follows more clues she finds David okay like she gets to the hotel and she's like is there like a letter for me it would be like five years old and then apparently there was there's an address so like she gets to the address and like David walks out of the house and she's like [ __ ] I found him he's very much alive and like looking just like a tan God like right so
um she passes out from well all of this is happening cage is like I put a GPS on her phone I'm I'm gonna track her down like this isn't that hard I'm shocked by that right I'm like the man who's obsessed this feels accurate um so then Natalie and David are talking he's like filling her in on like how he ended up in witness protection and that like right before their wedding his Handler told him he'd been compromised so he had to leave um when he said was like no like my
marriage was like an alliance marriage and like she was always cheating on me and our our kids looked just like her bodyguard and like it I I've always loved you I've been down here waiting for you this whole time um and then he's like so filming in on your details and so she starts like she's like well like cage showed up and also his real name is Casimir we learned this at one point I think with the Russians Paige's real name yeah okay Casimir and I think he said his last name was like Porter
I don't know this really isn't relevant at this point I just wanted you to know he does have a full name I was holding off on telling you he had a full name but he does have one okay um but yeah like tells him like yeah like cage showed up and like David's like oh [ __ ] like are you like what like he's like how did you survive yeah and then she's like and then Victor showed up and like David's like I realized that maybe the clues I I sent you were not as because he's like why
why the hell did it take you so long to like find me and she's like because that stupid key you sent me never made it and also she's like how the [ __ ] did you think I was gonna find you with a key to a safety deposit box at a bank that wasn't our bank like this was a lot of mystery and Intrigue that did not necessarily work um and so she like tells him all about cage showing up and like what he was sent to do then Victor showing up um and then cage shows up as well and
um she was like yeah like how dumb am I thinking he like loved me and he's like you just like that I do love you like the voice and then he like has a gun trained on David um and cage like definitely calls him out on a few lies in his story where he's like yeah um we didn't have Intel that you were at Lake Tahoe until last year so I think you're lying about um being compromised we think you just like took off right and um but then Natalie's realizing like wow
cage must really love me he followed me all the way here um or he's like a dangerous person who is obsessed with you they can both be true can they um okay I wouldn't say she has great insight so then like as she's realizing that like cage this might not all well she's also like does he love me or is this just like an elaborate scheme because I like that like maybe he sent Victor to scare me because that like spurred me into action and then I like did actually lead
him all the way to David so she's like I think he loves me I don't know what's real what's not but her insight and judgment hasn't been great this entire book um and then there's like suddenly this new cute girl walks in and like whatever David's name is going by now and she has a giant rock on her finger and so Natalie's like wait so who are you she's like I'm his wife and so she's like so you said that you've been down here waiting for me for five years um how long did it actually take you to
move on and he's like one one year nice um and then like as cage and Natalie are walking out the door she's like by the way Damon I've seen pictures of your children they look just like you not like The Bodyguard and then like you hear the wife like who's Damon just dropping bombs on the way out the door yeah I can appreciate that so cage takes her back to New York cage also put into motion like he wanted Maxim killed for trying to kill Natalie so she's really quiet the whole time and like not
really talking to him and like he's being respectful of that and he's like I'll be quiet for years if she doesn't leave like she's just desperate at this point to make it work um but he does get a call that Maxim has been killed in prison and it was made to look as though like a fight broke out in the lunchroom and he was just like an innocent bystander who was killed right so then Natalie calls Sloan and like is processing everything with her and then Sloane is like I don't know
this point the book is pretty much done um like Natalie realizes like she loves cage throughout the phone call with Sloan um and then she like falls asleep in whatever room she was having this phone call she wakes up to him carrying her into bed and he's like going out to the couch and she's like no stay and then they bone um and then they she like tells him over the next week because now he is the big boss and like the head of the Brava um but over the next week
everyone's coming to pay their respects but like they can be out in the open now and she tells him like she wants the option of having kids and he's like go check uh go check my office the envelope in my office and there's like a brochure for vasectomy reversal hey yeah someone you're like that can be reversed I was like I know Hannah we'll get there we'll get there I just want to ruin the surprise um and then he's like and check my pocket and she's like you you have a great day Connie and he's
like no so then there's um he has a diamond ring he proposes they're happy and then they fall in love and then Sloan is flying to New York this is the epilogue Sloan is flying flying to New York with Mojo to meet up with them and give the dog back um and then she's kidnapped by the Irish sure dun dun dun and then that's where the next book starts in Sloan I don't know I just really I [ __ ] with Sloane she's so I kind of just want to read Sloane's book now yeah it's a fun one
um but that is the end of this book okay so to summarize dead fiance cobweb [ __ ] five years later Jason Momoa shows up um and very insta love Instagram forward and then he leaves and um then they end up together yep he leaves they bone like he leaves he comes back they bone he leaves again he comes back they bone with anal he leaves they come back they bone with spanking like uh-huh she starts doubting if this will work they bone she no longer doubts um more secrets revealed fiance Not Dead
goes on a trip to see him Beyonce's a [ __ ] face yeah Jason Momoa shows back up can't believe her after well and I don't remember exactly where but there was a point where like she's like remembering all of these things oh cause she's so pissed and she's like David was the biggest [ __ ] Cheapskate ever he used to make me wash out my plastic Ziplocs Ziploc bags and like reuse them this [ __ ] had a hundred million dollars and she's like this [ __ ] always used to [ __ ] me with socks on
because his feet were always cold and he would fold his clothes before putting them in the dirty clothes psychopath and at one point she like sets to cage like do you fold your clothes before putting them in like the the hamper the dirty clothes hamper and he's like who the hell would do that and he's like I'm Yours what a low bar Honey raise it I think that's what we've seen a lot of in this book her standards are question able very questionable yeah um I was just thinking about that um I mean
we can do green lights because a whole shotguns you could do Jason momoa's yes Jason momoa's that's what we should do we could do hair brushes no um yeah you know how tall is Jason Momoa I don't know let me Google it because I mean Vance is going to be faster than me dance what you got Bueller we are six foot four thank you okay so he's six four um I don't know how many momoas would you rate it girl I don't know well from what you heard I didn't actually read it um
I don't know like a two out of six Jason's two out of five jasons maybe he was very tall what is that in my head it makes a difference it's very tall like I feel like there's a difference between reading something to Jason momoa's versus writing something to Peter dinklage's how many spankings oh that was my husband's recommendation yeah how many spankings would you give it Chelsea how many were in the book I'd say like 20 were counted in the book so out of the 20 counted I would give it eight
okay eight out of 20 spankings that's four out of ten yep thank you I was about to thank you um yeah four out of ten which would also be just under like three out of five nope two that would be two out of five so yeah I would be comfortable with two out of five I could get on board with two out of five spankings I think two out of five spankings eight out of eight out of 20 spankings um yeah that feels appropriate because fur is ridiculous as this book was and how
there was plot but there was no plot there was just a lot of sex it was a plot sandwich it end capped with some plot but just the meat of the sandwich was man meat foreign I hated everything about the words that just came out of your mouth yeah now all I can think about is Manwich or not writing it man because we're staying on something not spanking yeah like for as ridiculous as it is it's still kind of a fun read okay I'll give that to you and I am going to read
Sloans I don't think I'm gonna read this one because I hearing about it was enough but I think I'll read Sloans yeah I mean I think you you got the gist of this one I yeah I feel comfortable with that yeah there's four books in this series I've read all of them and they were all enjoyable were they all winners no but they were all entertaining so and that's what matters eight out of 20 spankings final offer with a paddle brush um we will accept that yes we will accept that and you know um
I I clearly got stuck on some plot points that didn't matter at all in this book and are there any that did no yeah you know I mean maybe you did get caught on the right ones um yeah so eight out of 2020 let us know what you guys think and what plot points you think were prominent were there any that is that is the debate let us know what you think because frankly I am concerned about Nat's General well-being safety mental state if this is the life choices that she's choosing
to make so let us know your thoughts she hadn't made any life choices in five years and it felt like she really overcompensated she she was coming in hot and made some wrong turns but I guess it worked out for her technically so uh yeah he's gonna get a reverse vasectomy and they're gonna get married and live happily ever after what more do you need oh a lot more so much more but okay let us know your thoughts we hope you have a wonderful rest your day smut [ __ ] see you later smut puppies bye
well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ] we hope it was good for you cause it sure was great for us if you're digging what we're doing it would mean a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and review the show wherever you're listening right now baby tell that sexy someone to Linda senir we love you we appreciate you we'll see you next week stay spotty [Music]