EP 22: Bride of Shadows

well hello all you beautiful people you know what time it is [Music] ladies and gents guys and dolls and everyone in between gather round get you something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on because it's time for smut club here's your hosts chelsea and hannah [Applause] [Music] hey everybody welcome to spot club i'm hannah and i'm chelsea welcome here we're glad you're here i know how's your day going what okay i don't you know i thought i you missed 100 of the shots you don't take i

thought i'd try something as the words came out of my mouth i realized i didn't know what i was trying um i was like oh you didn't know what shot you were taking i did not i it was a blindfolded shot sure um did i miss who can say you know i'm gonna leave that alone i'm gonna leave that alone and i'm gonna let you have it because um i fully expect to be mocked relentlessly for the review i have for you guys today so you know i'm i'm gonna leave some of my you're not you're not gonna talk mad

[ __ ] coming out the gate because it's not because you're like i will get that returned to me okay hannah yep what are what are we reviewing today we are reviewing bride of shadows by ray watson not bread of shadows not as my husband thought you were saying the pride bride that's a bakery reverse harem that's some kind of like she's a baker and she accidentally summons a demon wow she's making bread the oven is a portal to the hellmouth are we writing a book right now because

i'm writing a book i hate it but i've also read things that are worse than what we're pitching yeah yeah and the thing about this one actually is that i did like it um it was different i feel like a lot of times the storylines of the books we review are very similar it's like girl feels sort of pudgy and generally down on herself hasn't had a great love life girl that girl who's done on herself for being pudgy that everyone else thinks is smoking hot and that her

curves are to die for and luscious yes luscious is the word and then out super alpha male shows up and is like i'm into you baby and she's like big yikes and he just keeps going for it until eventually they get together like that's the story line of the majority of the books um and this one is not like that it's different and so that made it intriguing to me this is a reverse harem okay and it is paranormal so we open with is that is that your favorite type paranormal reversal

you know i think i go through phases um that's you know that's a very fair assessment because i i'll say there are times when i like like bulk download books and i like look and i'm like did i just download five mafia reverse param books and then like the next time i'm like these are all fluffy warm bowls of nothing and then like the next time i'm like these are all paranormal so i feel you on the phases yeah yeah lately i have not been on a reverse harem or paranormal kick it's been like a

crime fluffy [Music] thing you know you know the ones that are like in the middle of the yeah the fluffy crime things the fluffy crimes yeah fluffy crime crime committed against muppets the fluffy crime what was that melissa carthy melissa mccarthy muppet movie oh it was it was not good i didn't watch it i know what you're talking about yeah you didn't miss out on literally anything noted yeah um but anyway bride of shadows reverse harem paranormal um we open with celine so celine is our

main chickie she works for a place called cronus which is a very super secret government agency and i love a good secret agency we do we love secrecy um she um is an basically like an intake coordinator for supernatural creatures so these creatures are either captured or volunteer for like experimentation and study research and stuff or they are captured and brought in for research and she does intakes on them so in this universe in this world is this like

are all paranormal creatures captured or is this like a world where like paranormal creatures coexist with humans so the humans are not aware of the paranormal creatures okay which is part of why the government agency is so super secret because they're trying to hide the existence of these creatures from the general public um and so her dad is the head honcho of the lab where she works so um she also so she's like getting ready for her day she's apparently like best friends with

the ravens who live in the tree outside her window so she like gives them something shiny and is like doing her thing it's sort of like um snow white or cinderella like she's friends with the woodland creatures um but like the darker like if edgar allan poe yes wrote cinderella exactly um and she also starts talking about how she has this autoimmune disease um that is unknown nobody really understands what it is but she is extremely highly medicated um to manage this disease um and so her mother

died from the same disease and her dad is generally very withdrawn and he's not very warm and cuddly towards her um generally pretty cold so she gets to work she's assigned to sub-level z which she's never been assigned to before which is where they put like the ultra baddest of the bad creatures and so um she goes down to do this intake normally she has some information she has their name she has their like type of creature she has a little bit of information about them

but she goes down to do this intake on these three shades and that's all the information she has they are shades which are kind of demon that's it thank you for the clarification i was like shades like 50 shades um there are only three yeah in this paranormal universe there's only three shades of gray okay so shades are types of demons yes got it um so she has no other information about them which is highly unusual she also finds out that four other intake people

have gone down to do their intakes and have been severely attacked and unable to complete the intakes so she's like [Music] so she gets down down there and she sees these three glass cubes in this giant room that are just filled with swirling darkness shades of gray exactly okay um and then slowly the darkness kind of comes together and forms three men um who are all super hot um of course they are so literally my notes say um forms into men who are gorgeous obs

i mean would there be a book if they were uggos probably not i mean i would read it because i would want to know how do we get there but probably not um so she goes into the first he says his name is aaron i don't know can can you spell that because the way you said it just sounded like you said aaron pretty slow a r a w n a r a w n so in the book it actually says it's like aaron only longer stop it does not say that that's not an exact quote but she does say that

iran ron we're just gonna go with iran so um she goes to him first he tells her his name and says uh so she has to collect blood hair nail scrapings and a bunch of other stuff a bunch of other measurements and whatnot and for some reason i have a quote here that says her womanhood pulses with interest stop [Laughter] it's like janice dickinson's autobiography when she kept talking about her flower tingling like oh i just i also like that we we've talked about that before and

you're like yeah i know i know what janice dickinson's vag was doing oh no um pulsating stop um so for some reason yeah her womanhood pulses with interest um and he makes really weird comments about how um she looks just like her mother she has her mother's eyes she's like the [ __ ] are you talking about because she's never met her mother her mom died when she was an infant so she's like who even the [ __ ] are you um so uh he tells her that they are not shades and they are as old as time and

she's like okay well if you're not shades the [ __ ] are you what are you taylor's oldest i know i almost did that i almost did that but he does tell her they're as old as time and um so all of a sudden she starts to get super emotional like she's just overwhelmed um and he grabs for her and the security guy comes in and like hauls her out and she just like falls onto the ground sobbing and coughing up blood and yes um celine starts alluding to this darkness within her that she's been

keeping repressed for her whole life um that she feels like it's literally clawing her insides to get out and it hurts a lot and that's why she's like coughing up this blood so this is intriguing right yeah so after three days at home and two days of desk duty um because she regularly has to take time off because of this autoimmune disease they're constantly adjusting her medications and she's just like she's never hungry her dad makes her drink these weird smoothie things she's

just like generally miserable with this like chronic illness um so three days at home two days of death duty she decides that she's gonna go back to sub level z alone um so she goes into the room and then she's like um this was a mistake like she sees the darkness swirling and like starting to form into men and she's like um i take it back i should go i should go i should go i should go but then iran says to the other two enough and they both say enough and then just bust out of their cells

um like nothing like nothing they form back into smoke you mean out of their prison cells yes i was thinking like i was like you're like they bust out of their cells i was like and they turn back into smoke i'm very okay i see i see where i zigged where i should have zagged um so nothing is actually holding them they are all there yeah got it they allow themselves to be captured and held essentially so um they chase her down um and bust out of the room she's trying to get to the elevator

um but they grab her and then all of a sudden a system-wide alarm goes off um for the entire building so like baby girl if their cells did not hold them the elevator you know probably won't make a difference she's really trying though so um she hits a button in the elevator she tries to get out um because they like make it to the elevator with her so they're all on the elevator so she hits a random floor to just get out um but when the doors open it's a straight up war zone on the floor

because apparently our lovely friends uh unlocked every door they got into the system when they busted out of their cells and opened every door so all the creatures are out even the ones who were there voluntarily so um there are creatures everywhere she starts trying to run um and a guard shows up and she's like finally i'm gonna be safe awesome but he's just like mowing people down like it doesn't matter if they're creatures or if they're employees everybody's getting shot so oh no um

balor who's another one of our shadows um goes absolutely ballistic and kills all of the guards like he he disintegrates into shadow and then they're just like body parts flying out of the darkness like he's just like taking people down um so then um he says to celine wild things don't belong in cages and that includes you oh so which was a fun line so then um iran picks her up throws her over his shoulder um and he's like weirdly caressing her leg while they're like running through this

war zone and she's into it but she's like i'm not into it i can't be into it this is not good none of this is good she's like stepping into the celine stop banging exactly she's like cross your legs god damn there's like blood and bodies everywhere we can't be doing this right now um so uh some more creatures start to follow her um and she starts to freak out because they are really really bad but the third shadow draco um malfoy yes um he just like [ __ ] rips one of them in half with his bare

hands he's the most unassuming one he's like the thinnest and like them like he looks the most kind of you mean like when we reviewed ruthless creatures and we were saying like the quiet ones exactly exactly exactly got it so he rips one in half and the other one is like oh [ __ ] and runs away um i mean i would run too yes yeah um so they keep moving um towards the stairs the elevator is dead they make it out to the courtyard and she sees her dad through the window and

she starts screaming for her dad um and that's it like he sees her his eyes get wide and he yells something she can't hear and then the guys all she calls it going dark so they all turn into darkness again and then just like whisk her away um and so she do they also turn her into darkness or she's just like so she's like floating in it okay floating in darkness and just like can't see yes but she describes like a feeling of comfort like she's freaked out but she's also like

comfortable as they're moving her um so um she is somewhere in the woods and she knows that she's really far away from her home um so she tries to run she screams for help um balor turns into a clydesdale why wouldn't he i don't know um have you ever seen a clydesdale in person negative ghost rider they're huge like like truly so um busch gardens ah bush like being like am heiser yes um i don't know why it was related but they had clydesdales they had tons of clydesdales at busch gardens

um and you could like walk through and they are they're they are massive i don't like that i mean they're just like they're horses i actually have a fear of horses they scare themselves what get out of me these what is so bad i i never knew you had a fear of horses i they really really scare me when i was like 11 or 12 i went on this horseback riding thing and for some reason i all i chose like the oldest most ornery horse i don't know why but he saw the barn like he had already been

problematic through the whole ride but he saw the barn when we were almost back and took off at a gallop through the trees and i got like cut up like cut up all over it i'm just screaming my head off so ever since then i've been like hard pass on the horses so the idea of a giant horse is not something that i would be into okay that's a valid you had a traumatic experience um i would recommend just some like light exposure therapy well i have done that because i've taken

patients for equine therapy before um so i can be the first time i did it it was as a staff outing thing for work um with an equine therapist and i just cried in the corner like i just stood in the corner of the barn and sobbed and the lady was so nice and she's like it's okay you're like are you ready to get a little closer and i was like no and she's like that's okay you let me know when you're ready and eventually i did touch the horse okay and i cried a lot i'm so freaked out

um but since then i mean i can be near a horse i would prefer not to be but i can be near a horse without crying or hyperventilating so i love horses i once was oversold the desperation of a rehabilitation facility needing a equine therapist and i was told if you are into horses that would be enough um and i had a friend who worked there and i had a job interview and it was not enough that was not a great interview because they said do you ride english or western and i just went i really like

horses but also so recently um my like extended family my sister and brother-in-law we were all up at my parents house and i was talking to my uncle about an aunt who was not on the trip but i was like yeah do you remember when her horse got horse napped and you told me about that well okay but i have an update on it because what he goes no i don't remember that at all and i was like wait what and he's like i don't remember that happening i'm like oh okay so i like open he and i are like

sitting on like the deck having this conversation so i open the door inside the house and my mom and aunt are sitting there i'm like do y'all remember when that horse got horse napped and they're like no we'll see we don't remember this like are you sure that happened she sold the horse at one point and i was like maybe i like really made up this whole thing and my uncle was like i mean it's a it's a great story but then even if it's all lies truly great story

so then the next day i'm like where it comes back up and i say i'm like yeah i mean apparently i'm i just like created the story and i'm the only one that remembered the horse getting horse napped and my sister was like no you're not that happened that's 100 true and i was but my sister and i are apparently the only two that have any recollection of this horse getting horse napped what it's like honestly it's still kind of messing with me because like all of the

adults were like we have no idea what you're talking about my sister's like yeah that is absolutely true i 100 remember that story what okay so he turns into a clydesdale and he turns into a question no it's fine but my aunt's horse may or may not have been horse now he turns into a clydesdale he turns into a clydesdale and he chases her down she begs them not to hurt her um and they are super confused she's like please don't hurt me please don't hurt me just take

me home and they're like uh why would we hurt you exactly like what even are you saying to us um so she tells them she really needs to go home because she needs her medication because she's sick so she has this autoimmune disorder she takes all these pills every day she can't just not take them she needs to go home and they start laughing they're they think she's joking about being sick and she gets really mad she's like this is not a [ __ ] joke this is my life i

need my medication like this is not [ __ ] funny she's like chronic illness isn't a joke exactly but then iran tells her that she can't get sick because she's a daughter of the night are are they they're sons of the night they're they're fathers they're daddies are there night daddies or the daddies of the night night daddies hell yeah oh my god no well i'm like oh she's a daughter then i okay i'm trying to connect the dots here well i'm gonna connect them for you right now

if they don't connect to night daddy i don't wanna well they do connect tonight daddy but that's not the name he uses okay because the name is good no so like damn it night daddy ray watson you missed an opportunity that's what i'm going to call him from now on so iran explains that she is a a daughter of nyx who is the primordial goddess of the night yes the greek goddess right um and they uh the three men are all pieces of erebus's cloak so erebus um is nyx's counterpart he's the god of the

knight right the primordial god so he that's like the the greek myth is that night happens when erebus like moves over the sky and his cloak is the knight so they are pieces of his cloak that over time like fell off and became sentient so they are pieces of a cloak what a missed opportunity for night daddies right well technically erebus is the night daddy um so they tell her that she is the daughter of nick's cloak daddy's daddies that's like a leather kink feels like um

which might be appropriate later but okay so they're like listen you are a daughter of the goddess of night we are technically sort of sons of arabists like our love is foretold like we are destined yes um and they explain that arabis and nix have this like epic love and so they are fated to be together they've been looking for her they're they love her already um and then they they drop the little tidbit that they need her to make baby shadows so they cannot make any babies unless they have her

they cannot become the cloak daddies right they can't be true night daddies without her um so do they do they really love her or is she a means to an end so they can have little shadow babies exactly okay so um she doesn't believe any of this she's like this is the most preposterous [ __ ] i've ever heard in my [ __ ] life can you please just take me home so i can take my meds and go to bed because this day is stupid she's like i hate everything about it um

so iran keeps trying to talk to her wait what's what do you always what did you always used to say when we were together everything is stupid and i hate it yes that's her describing this day exactly she's like i am not into any of it um so iran keeps trying to talk to her and touch her and she keeps like flinching away she's like don't [ __ ] touch me she's like please stop um and then uh baylor strips for some reason is he no longer a clydesdale no he's back into a human

um and i don't remember when that happened but he gets naked my my notes literally say baylor strips for some reason and starts to lose his [ __ ] so they they realize she's like so could any shadows have come for me and baylor like loses it he's like nope nope not any shadows thank you for asking absolutely the [ __ ] not is that like actually true no other shadows or is that just him yeah he's already super possessive um so he starts flipping out at the idea that

other shadows could have gotten to her first um and she's like i need a moment thank you for real so she goes and sits alone and draco comes over and explains that they are different kinds of darkness so they are brothers not really brothers they're pieces of a cloak and they they want to be eskimo brothers they do want to be eskimo brothers they want to be eskimo daddies yup hey there's my puppies we'll get you right back to the show in just a moment but first do you like us maybe even love us

because we sure love you and if you do love us don't tease us tell us in those ratings and reviews wherever you're listening right now maybe even send us over to a special sexy someone that would enjoy getting smutty with us because you know the first rule of smug club is to talk about smut club all right i won't keep you any longer let's get back to the show [Music] so um he explains that baylor is the scary kind of darkness where you're in a haunted house or an old creepy abandoned

building and you're like oh i shouldn't be here yikes he's that kind of darkness um iran is the comforting kind of darkness that you get before sleep um or like very early in the morning when you wake up before the sun he's that kind of darkness and draco is the hollow kind of darkness just like the nothing kind um so she cries and she tells him that um she really wants to to feel um and to understand but her head is just full of static and she just can't process any of this um and so he holds

holds her hand and she just becomes overwhelmed with grief um she's just processing the trauma of having this chronic illness processing the trauma of not having a mom processing all of this stuff and so she just starts [ __ ] screaming bloody murder like just starts losing her [ __ ] and then iran comes up and like touches her head and basically like puts her to sleep with his nice comforting darkness and so she like passes out so was it draco not malfoy so i was like was it malfoy star was

malfoy's darkness causing the freak out it does it's like that is implied okay um but not explicitly stated um daddy you gotta let go well he was helping her process because she'd been holding on to all of it and so she said she wanted to feel it he was like all right and like facilitate that process for her you said so careful what you wish for boo well i mean it kind of feels like when people come into therapy and they're like right i'm ready to work on this

[ __ ] and you get like one session in and you're like are you i don't i don't think you're ready to work on this i don't think we're there yeah which is also okay you don't need to be there exactly sometimes people will come in and start talking about stuff and i'm like sweetheart you're not hurting anybody and everything is fine this is okay like you're allowed to have this issue for a minute how else are you gonna be funny like we don't need to fix all of it

you gotta leave a little trauma there for the humor exactly i saw a tweet about that a really long time ago i can't remember that was like the hardest part about having kids is figuring out um how to keep them safe while also giving them just enough trauma to be funny i was like that's good and accurate like it's not it's not wrong and there we are okay so so aaron and then she wakes up with him watching her um and she is in a lot of pain by this point she has missed several doses of

her medication um and she is really really hurting so um she goes off to pee and two ravens are watching her and she has started to put together some of these guys like their powers and she realizes that obviously they can shape-shift if baylor can turn into a clydesdale they can shape-shift so she's like are they watching me pee right now because i am not into that like the [ __ ] um so she goes back by the fire all three are there so she's like maybe they weren't watching me i don't know

something else is watching her creepy yeah so she goes back they built her a fire um but she's very very nauseous um and they start basically taking care of her they're picking stuff out of her hair they hunted some rabbits for her they're like doing all this stuff to try to keep her well um and baylor is absolutely oblivious to how sick she is and is like skinning these rabbits in front of her and she's like i will vomit on you like you've got to stop um and then she does she throws it

everywhere um so the guys take her to some unknown city where they get a hotel for her to rest in they realized that they tried to care for her in the woods and like give her food and keep her warm and everything but um she just feels really really terrible because she's been without her meds for so long so um some guys come into the parking garage so they like leave her in the parking garage with baylor and then the other two go in to like get them a room or whatever and these guys

come by the parking garage where um baylor's with celine and um one asks if celine is okay because she's clearly not feeling well um and baylor does not appreciate it and he just goes like full darkness and scares the absolute living [ __ ] out of this poor little hipster boy who just wanted to ask if she was okay because she's a girl in a parking garage alone with a massive dude i'm not loving his energy no i'm also not she is also not she gets very angry

she's like that was completely unfucking necessary what is wrong with you so um he's like uh nobody should be talking to you but me and my brothers so sorry not sorry um she's like that's unnecessary and he's like i'm doubling down yeah he's like i don't feel bad um so then she's in the hotel bath and around shows up and he's like don't be scared of us like you don't need to be scared of us and he keeps talking and talking and talking about how epic their love is and

how epic you know their whole story is going to be draco shows up with rose petals and they like candles for her and they do all this romantic [ __ ] um iran kisses her and it's a lot it's very overwhelming for her um and he starts caressing her which is fine um my notes say until he gets to the money bits and she panics yeah i mean they're they're coming on very strong because it's one of those where they're like well our love is pre-destroyed and we've known about you forever and she's like

i've known about this for 24 hours i don't really know if it's true and i feel like a human dumpster fire or rather a paranormal dumpster fire exactly yeah well she's human she's human um but she's not fully human she so technically she is as far as she knows as far as she knows yeah so they keep telling her she's a daughter of knight but she's like the [ __ ] does that even mean like i know my dad i'm not yeah my mom is dead y'all are [ __ ] crazy um so she is like please don't touch me

did you take me just to like breed me basically is that what's happening here and draco's like yup that man does not pull any punches he is not smooth um so ron explains that they want her to be free because she was she doesn't know it but she was also in captivity with cronus and so yes they also want to make babies because they love her but ultimately they want her to be free so a week later celine has detoxed from all those [ __ ] that she was on and she wakes up starving so it's been a

week of them like trying to force feed her and like taking care of her she feels like trash she wakes up she is so hungry um food has never been appealing before now it's always made her feel sick but now she is like will eat anything she is so hungry so she goes to eat she's moaning like mad ron orders one of everything on the menu from room service um all three three guys start to get handsy um and um so she starts responding to each um and they the this is a quote they

surrender to her so i guess they're like i don't know what that means i don't i was gonna guess but i don't actually know what that means i don't know were there context clues do i want the context clue so i think it was basically like they were holding back from her because she was so sick they were just trying to take care of her and then it was like she like bit one and like grabbed another and was basically like asserting herself i guess in the situation and they're like all right

we're glad you feel better they're like i guess it's time to make shadow babies yes and just when they are about to uh room service shows up um and she eats a lot so then um iran takes her shopping because she has no clothes um and they don't pay for anything so because he is so comforting he's just like thanks guys and they leave um at first she's like we can't just like steal this stuff and he's like please don't worry about it like we're not stealing from mom and pop shops here

like they're fine we're stealing from target they can afford the loss this is like a boutique situation they're fine so um and then they go to a park where draco is having a very weird interaction with a kid and i don't know why this stood out to me so much because it means nothing in the context of the story but he's like standing there and this little kid is like staring at him and eating chips and draco is like just looking back at him and the kid just like offers

him some chips and draco like takes one and just keeps staring at this kid and then ultimately the kid is like like shrugs and runs away and draco's like uh can i have more chips so yeah it turns out that people generally don't notice him you know his darkness is the nothing darkness yeah so this kid just locked on to him for some reason and had that interaction with him which i thought was really funny um so uh iran goes off somewhere and leaves celine with draco he protects her like

some dogs kind of get rowdy and he like gets all weird and alpha about it um but he's very very sweet in an awkward weird way so iran shows back up with some hot dogs she is [ __ ] starving like she cannot stop eating at this point um and then she said she feels like they're buttering her up for something and iran tells her to think of it as flirting um and she's like i don't get it you guys just literally like want me to make babies for you like this is not yeah this is not hot um

so draco asks um if they should just chain her to a bed because obviously she's into it so he's like should we just get down to it and iran explains that they could have forced her technically like they're stronger than her how generous of them um to wait for consent right this is not points in your column jackass so we could have forced ourselves upon you and we didn't do we not get credit for that exactly that's the energy um um real fast when i used to work crisis a mom

was like hey my like her 10 year old needed a crisis assessment and she was like i found out when his little sister has been crying he has been like putting a pillow over her face yeah real not good situation and she was like he's really charming and he's really manipulative and he will try and talk his way out of this also worth noting that like they lived in a two-bedroom apartment and it was like mom and boyfriend in one room and like ten-year-old brother and

two-year-old sister were sharing your room which i'm like developmentally is not a good idea um but they had limited space training not to be judgmental so i like going to this assessment and like he was an attractive 10 year old like he's one of those 10 year olds that i was like you when you are going to be a very attractive man when you grow up in a way that's pretty and yeah yes and i'm like if you keep on this trail you will be murdering girls in college bars kind of energy oh but like

you will be very unassuming and they will go with you willingly was kind of so what it made me think of was that during this this assessment and i don't remember the specific number of days um but i'm sitting there talking to this kid and he's like i didn't know i was hurting her i just like when she was crying i just like put my hand over her mouth and pressed down a little bit um because i like wanted her to stop crying i didn't know she couldn't breathe okay

and then he like keeps going and he's like and i haven't done it that often i've only done it like 20 times and like oh like in a year and it's been two years like 40 times so like what's

365 plus 365. and he's like doing this math and i'm like no no no you don't get credit for all of the days you didn't do this that's not but like that was literally the logic this kid was trying to come at me with and i'm like no no that's not how this works but yeah when it's like do we not get credit for the fact that we didn't tie you up on a bed and make you have our little shadow babies that's what it made me think of that is that is the energy yeah um and um but iran is like listen we care

about you a lot that's what we're trying to tell you we love you offstring our offspring are a bonus like we'd be into that but that's not the primary objective so um baylor has been in a haunted house just scaring the [ __ ] out of people so it turns out that he basically consumes people's terror like that's how he feeds so he's just scaring the pants off folks in a haunted house because apparently it's october you know we all have our thing so um so then they decide to go to a club

because she's never really been to a nightclub um and she's never been drunk before because she's been out with co-workers to drink but she's never been able to get drunk so she's like let's do it up like let's go drinking let's see if now that i'm hungry i can also get drunk yes okay so she really can't she drinks so much she does get a little bit tipsy um decides to dance um draco is absolutely miserable he is not into any of this iran is not into it either but baylor is like let's dance

babe let's do this [ __ ] um so they dance they have a great time um they kiss but then she panics and remembers him saying that um she is a womb to be filled and so she slaps him off of her he storms after her that's kind of some mixed messages and if anyone just heard that little rumbling in the background that is my pug snoring at our feet he doesn't like to sit very far away are you not are you not entertained brandon do you not find us funny do you not find the shadow darkness

funny apparently not okay um so she's into it and then she's like i remember that he said this that's kind of mixed messages i feel like they are mixed messages this is all around it's all kind of chaotic yeah okay nobody's like in the right here nobody's doing a great job communicating so she's like you know her hormones are into it and then she's like oh wait a minute he just literally wants to get me pregnant and whatever so um my notes say he gets big mad and tells her

to say it tell him that he's using her he says that over and over tell me that i'm using you tell me that i'm using you um and she doesn't say anything so he eats her out i so he makes like a little shadow room so she has run away from him she is under the stairs in the club so he like puts up shadows hannah i'm gonna pause you okay details don't make it better tried that like i was like well context help and then you started giving context i was like it will not but at least it's

not on the middle of the dance floor that makes it better it'd almost be better if it was in the middle of the dance floor okay [Laughter] okay i feel appropriately chastised you feel chastised let's process that no i was trying to think of the word but like no you're right it doesn't get better like no no no chelsea he made a shroud of darkness around her before i'm like oh okay yeah it's not better it's not better so um she has a super intense orgasm and he

says again tell me that i'm using you like tell me now and um she pushes past him and she sees iran um and draco kind of like watching and she runs past them and goes into the bathroom so this is messy it's so messy and it only gets messier because then she's in the bathroom and she sees this girl um and you know that we love supportive women in a bathroom at the bar like that's where magic happens yes you will get such a pep talk from a stranger and the best lipstick and just like the most love

i've i've never shared lipstick with a stranger it's probably wise in fairness but i do feel like there's always some girl crying who's just getting a great pep talk yes absolutely okay so there's a girl in the bathroom yes um this is not one of those times so there's a girl in the bathroom and she says that she is from cronus and she is there to rescue her she's like we've been tracking you we're here for you let's go [Music] so um celine doesn't really want to go oh

she just had a great orgasm she did and she's feeling physically way better now that she's not on all those drugs and she's like that don't make no sense they told me i would die but i feel better but instead i ate a cheeseburger exactly yeah weird had a cheeseburger had a great orgasm that's not what they do do i really want to go back there exactly fair um but the chick drags her out and the guys obviously know what's going on and they show up um and she is

so i it's very unclear how all of this happens it's very unclear but somehow she is being hauled through a cronus facility the guys know what's going on so they show up um and when the chick realizes that this isn't gonna go well um she turns her gun on celine um to try to get away she's like um i'm not here to die for this [ __ ] so i'm just gonna pull my gun um which doesn't make any sense no not at all um and celine gets boost and she goes to like grab the girl and

breaks her wrist and she's like the [ __ ] how did i do that oops um and so then she realizes that everything the guy said were was true everything about her she'd always been a cronus prisoner that was not her dad she's always just been an experiment they were drugging her it's terrible it wasn't her dad she well that's what they told her and she's like well maybe that's true like maybe he wasn't really my dad maybe he was just some researcher um so uh then the guys kill this chick

after she tries to shoot celine and they whisk her up and take her away so they wind up on a beach and celine has a full rage breakdown about what a lie her life was before because she's been told she has this chronic illness she's been told that she's weak she's been told that this is her dad she's been told she can't leave the base because it's not safe because she's so sick and all of this stuff and none of that is true um so then she starts making out with draco and he's

like what is happening right now um and baylor comes up and eats her out again while ron comes up behind her and starts taking her dress off so they're just on a beach somewhere in the middle of nowhere um she comes again and then uh iran starts making moves and she's like leaning forward on baylor ron is still behind her um she is like p.s i'm a virgin like i've been terribly sick my entire life so never really got the chance for this um and so can smoke penetrate you

apparently because iran says that he will stop any time she wants all she has to do is speak up and my notes say he [ __ ] her very gently from behind while she's still leaning on baylor who's playing with her [ __ ] and giving her a lot of like verbal praise um she she but she has sex with them i feel like this is too much detail it gets weirder which is why i said something about it it doesn't matter you're right it doesn't matter um so highlights hannah highlights

so then this storm starts which is why i was getting into all the details so all the storm starts and um it keeps getting worse like as the sex is getting more and more intense um and draco's like she's like are you doing that and draco's like no honey you're doing that and she's like um what um okay um so then that they finish and then there we go everybody finishes everybody gets an orgasm everybody well no draco doesn't draco doesn't and baylor doesn't but iran and celine all

get orgasms so then both get organized yes sure i'm sure the other two enjoyed it but there's no indication if they came or not because they didn't technically do a whole lot with her so then they all go into this dilapidated lighthouse thing to rest she wakes up she's surrounded by all of these men she decides she's going to go outside to pee and take a walk on the beach when you say surrounded by all these men we just mean the three right we don't mean like the ravens i don't i don't mean any

strangers yeah um so then um two demons show up while she's going for a walk on the beach um and one looks at her eyes and said that she's more of a [ __ ] than her dad said that she was um and iran shows up to the rescue crowd after you lost your virginity right um baylor and draco show up and kill the demons they're like weird shape-shifty things like hellhounds or something um and then she is like um can somebody tell me what the [ __ ] is wrong with my eyes that these

demons looked at them and said that i was a [ __ ] while you're a [ __ ] right she's like can somebody explain this [ __ ] to me real quick please thank you and so um he tells her that they are fully black today they were previously blue they're fully black today um because their darkness is in her and she's like what and he's like yo prego stop stop yeah they boned once and then the next morning her eyes are a different color so she's pregnant and she is [ __ ] livid she is

livid like you would not believe i mean i get it and right so then she starts demanding answers from the guys who have none she's like okay so how long am i going to be pregnant what am i even giving birth to what's the birthing process like somebody explained this [ __ ] to me and they're like um they're like these are great questions they're like single shoulder shrug we don't know so sorry um they're like it varies among the daughters of nyx we really don't know

um but it shouldn't last longer than a day she's like the [ __ ] the pregnancy only lasts one day yep um so she is just super emotional and exhausted she's like why did you even pick me like why would you pick me but just because i was available like this is [ __ ] stupid um and they shower her with all these compliments and then draco's like but why did you pick us and she starts to answer and then all of a sudden she goes into major amounts of pain and it's apparently her labor

24 hours later it's i is 24 feels like a stretch they slept they woke up she got into a fight with some demons on the beach yep and then she's in labor so like maybe 12 hours depending on how much sleep they got you're tracking so she runs out she's screaming like mad um and then a shadow comes pouring out of her mouth and like races over the sea and that's it apparently that's what my notes say and that's it apparently that's her giving birth will they ever know their shadow babies not really

um which is very emotional for her so she asks if that's what's gonna happen every time they have sex and iran is like there's a lot more to pleasure than penetrative sex so so yes so i said that's a weird thing to say that's what's in my notes is this gonna happen every time we have sex there's other things we can do and you're like so yes every time we have sex that will happen so we have to get creative with other options yes got it yeah so then um she starts getting ragey

about not knowing how to do anything um she can't do anything for herself because her dad has been keeping her so sheltered for so long um and baylor says that um and she definitely doesn't know how to do anything sexual and baylor is like learning with us will be fun wink wink um so then he there's more sex with draco i'm not gonna go into it that i have a lot of specific notes we don't need to know about um but i will say there is some slurp in the gherkin and then

some other stuff but it's like a threesome situation um there's [ __ ] there's threesomes yeah and draco is usually very dominant but he is baylor explains to her he's giving her the gift of submission um because she doesn't know anything yes um so he's giving the gift of submission she's giving the gift of her mouth there's a heavy focus on her autonomy and consent which is nice um so then you got autonomy i heard anatomy [Laughter] i mean that too yeah that's that's also fair but her autonomy

her anatomy i skimmed and consent you her bits you skimmed her bits the money bits they skimmed her bits too no okay so um celine wants to learn more about her origins and she wants to know why her mom never came for her like why didn't my mom ever come find me she just left me there and draco is like do you know where your offspring is right now and she's like uh low [ __ ] blow dude no i don't know where my offspring okay but also a valid question when she's feeling salty

right he's like gods do [ __ ] different babe this is just the way that it is yeah um and so um she gets followed by another demon so she's like i need a minute i'm gonna go get some coffee she's followed by another demon um she lures him outside he gets taken out and celine is like how the [ __ ] do they keep finding me this is [ __ ] ridiculous i don't understand and the guys are like oh we might know and we're really sorry so there's a tracking brand like in her

skin on her scalp they're like these runes and stuff on her skull so they need to be removed that's how they're being tracked um and so um she refuses to be sedated at all and the guys are not pleased they're like please let us put you out this is gonna suck so [ __ ] bad and she's like nope so i i'm not rooting for anyone in this like not especially she's kind of annoying and whiny mm-hmm and then like they're like let us help you and she's like no but i have a feeling then it's

gonna hurt her and she's gonna complain well so actually what happens is draco winds up cutting them out and because she didn't use any sedation she has this like major power shift ravens all start flocking to her um and she apparently awakens her powers through this experience i mean okay fine yeah um so they've been globe trotting for a month we're skipping ahead they've been globetrotting for a month they see things they experience things they have a great time um she's about getting

better at controlling her shadows um she can make clothes out of her shadows and she can do other stuff um ravens still follow her everywhere um sometimes they spend time all together but she also likes to take them on like individual dates um um so they have solo time together so um she is in a redwood forest with baylor apparently there's a primal king situation they like to chase each other around and [ __ ] in the forest which is fine like you can be into that i'm not

into that because i like to be indoors i'm not i'm not an out-of-doors person you're like because this one time when i was young i went on a horseback ride and yeah we went through the forest when he saw the barn and i got cut up and i'm also just painfully pale and bugs like me a lot like i went to the beach last weekend and i am covered in bites like i'm covered in bites i don't understand it's very frustrating for me i don't like to be outside no i mean i get it i wear normally like

a long-sleeve rash guard swim top because of how pale i am 100 yeah 100 um i also feel like if you're gonna [ __ ] on the forest floor there's a lot of dirt there's a lot of twigs there's a lot of small woodland creatures that's what i'm saying i don't want any part of that personally well hannah the that's not what you were saying the reason you gave is that you're pale and and i don't like bugs well that's that's creatures i don't want to be bitten and it's dirty i was more thinking of

like squirrels watching i was thinking less of bug bites so you're concerned about a chipmunk rubbing one out oh wow um i don't think i was i wasn't thinking of a chipmunk masturbating why are they watching you because they they don't see it very often oh my gosh they have some questions so it's the novelty of it yes it is the novelty of watching the sexual experience um yeah it was less about the bugs but i do you know i can see to your point where you're like no chelsea

i'm covered in bug bites and that was from the beach that wasn't even from the [ __ ] forest floor exactly um that's the same reason i don't want to bang on the beach there's sand everywhere oh my gosh look at that [ __ ] that okay actual question though okay either or like would you if you had to choose one would you choose forest floor or beach forest floor yeah i think forest floor the sand man not like not [ __ ] the sand man like the sand i mean i swear like you go to the beach for one day

and like you will have sand in your car for months even when you clean very thoroughly exactly and i don't want sand other places no it is abrasive [Laughter] that is the worst no one needs the extra friction well no and we don't need that kind of exfoliation we don't exfoliate yeah i'm like what are you trying to exfoliate because that i don't want that i'm not yeah not like that was like the colloquial you i know you're not trying to exfoliate your coochie thanks for that buddy yeah no i would

also say forest floor and give the chipmunks a show yep we'll put on a show for alvin and the chipmunks oh alvin so anyway um so she is thinking about they're in the forest they're they're doing this primal kink chase thing um so they realize that they cannot just continue to just have vaginal sex because they will drown the world in shadows that's a direct quote so um they have showed her um all different ways to experience pleasure she's into it um but she has had

three more shadow babies in this month that they've been traveling lord um so then she's on a date um with draco watching the northern lights um he tells her that love is like the abyss and she gives it meaning it's very romantic little moment between them um because he's the darkness of nothing he's like love is like nothing you give it meaning like oh i guess um i guess it's all about perspective because to him exactly that does matter to me i'm like oh okay like if my husband said that it

wouldn't it wouldn't hit the same way no no yeah it does hit for celine um so they start making out um she's hoping it'll escalate a little bit um but she's prego again and goes into labor well he there on this date um she holds her she gives birth she really is super bummed that the shadows just like go away like they just disappear um and she's like i wish they would hang out for a little while like i wish i could know my children exactly yeah um so she's a little sad draco sits with

her and holds her hand and then the guy the guy surprised her to by taking her to an old altar to nix um this like ancient altar she starts to get super emotional and without really thinking about it she forms a black wedding dress um and makes like all of these black butterflies like everywhere um so she declares her love for them um they start making out um they have well there's a lot of sex there's a lot of detail that i don't need to give you um but yeah she bangs all three at once

basically and um blah blah blah i hope the wedding dress she made was not constrictive apparently not um had strategically placed holes uh yeah she did [Laughter] no okay um so then they all fall asleep so they have this epic bang session on the altar to her mother and then they all fall asleep what a way to honor your mother's memory i guess um so then celine wakes up to this female voice calling out to her from the woods and i'm like baby girl no have we learned nothing about anything

we don't follow voices into the woods but she follows the voice do not follow your caucasian curiosity right into the woods the caucasity don't do it it's true don't do it um but she follows and she finds nyx who looks um identical to her like they are [ __ ] identical um only nyx is a giant but then she like shrinks down into human size um nyx explains that celine is actually one of her feathers so she has wings and so cronus set up that altar so it's a fake altar

they set it up to try to capture her and um when they made the attempt they got some of her feathers and so celine um is one of those feathers and so celine is like why didn't you come for me i needed you and she's like you didn't need me look at you you're fine um and then she gives her the title of goddess of ravens bats and black cats is that going on your business card if i could get away with it i would it's your new email signature goddess of ravens bats and black cats um

and then nyx disappears and the guys show up they go back to the altar um celine has burned some more darkness because there was a [ __ ] in three-way apparently and so or four away or whatever the [ __ ] so so she's prego again so she gives birth she decides she wants to do it alone um and so she spends some time with the darkness like it's a shadow she plays with it in the forest and then it runs away um baylor went to the village to terrorize some some villagers and

um iran went to put together like a celebration for her new title so she's hanging out in the forest and draco's been waiting for her and she hears this horrible scream by the altar and so um it turns out that another tatter piece of erebus cloak um is there trying to kill draco so he is attacking him he says his name is adam and he's come to take her home um it turns out there was a a cronus camera there the whole time so got the whole bang fest that happened on the ultra

well i mean i was wondering when we found out like it had been a cronus sight to capture next yeah yeah so they knew they were there the whole time so um she pretends to surrender to save draco um so she makes adam think that she is bored with her three men and draco begs her to run um but she agrees to go with adam and says it's time to put an end to this so she goes they land in um the cronus courtyard and there's security everywhere adam keeps trying to touch her and she keeps

telling him to like back the [ __ ] up like don't [ __ ] touch me and he's like oh but baby like we're meant to be we have an epic love and she's like we do not don't [ __ ] touch me i need to have an epic love with someone else who told me i had an epic love with him three other someones so um her dad comes out and adam tells her to go to him um and then they can have their alone time so she turns around and [ __ ] disintegrates him she gets so angry she loses her [ __ ] and she disintegrates

adam or her dad adam apparently she's a lot more powerful than she realized and she disintegrates him um and then she inhales his essence which is dark and weird but that's what happens um so then her dad is like just come back inside like we have a lot to talk about i'm so sorry like just come on and um as her dad is essentially distracting her somebody tries to tranquilize her and she like pulls out the tranq and is like that is a super cute attempt but you probably should have worked on

your formula a little more because i feel nothing and like throws the trach back at them and then the shadows show up her dad continues to try to berate her tell her that um she is nothing that she is basically a piece of trash and just an experiment that he's ashamed of um but she shows her power so she like lets all this darkness like leak from her and like go in between the legs of all these security guys and they're like oh [ __ ] oh no so she like just covers everything in darkness and um

she uh basically is like if you come after me again i will destroy all of you but we're gonna go now so this is your last chance so she turns to leave but her dad pulls a gun on her and so she sends the darkness like into his mouth and makes him explode so that happens and then she tells all the other cronus people um to leave them alone or they can suffer the same for the record y'all i'm just like blinking i'm just like garlic i'm sorry i told you it was different it was fun

but anyway so now we're at the epilogue babe we're almost there i'm still just blinking at hannah this is the whole book so celine has been um they've been traveling she's been learning they're having fun they have settled in tuscany um and they just collect black cats that have been kind of discarded on the streets she collects them they've built little houses for wayward bats when they're in their travels and they have ravens that live in their olive trees

everyone is very happy and super chill and that's it the end it was a fun read i liked it um okay so let's summarize no because if you summarize it i won't like it anymore like i already know i won't like it anymore what what do you mean you won't like it if i summarize it you literally just said that you liked it and it was fun and i'm like let me summarize it and you're like that will ruin everything it will because if i hear it all condensed at one time i'm gonna realize how terrible it is

yeah so she works for a secret lab yep um the darkness were they there to get her because nothing yeah okay so the darkness shows up to get her they get her she has all of their little darkness babies she kills the dude who captured like you like raised her in captivity and then she moves to tuscany yep that's it you nailed it yeah i'm gonna i don't know i'm gonna let you just be the keeper of that book um i listen but i also feel like there's a lot of books that like when we review

them and like say [ __ ] out loud the other person just like what the [ __ ] did you even read but then you're like but damn it actually reading it it wasn't like it was an enjoyable experience it was yeah yeah um and i'm i'm i want that for you hannah and i'm glad you had that with this book thank you so much yeah are we are we doing bats are we doing ravens i was just thinking i don't know what kind of scale i think probably ravens are we doing demon darkness babies

let's do ravens for those who don't know i actually have a raven tattoo i like ravens yeah ravens are dope yeah okay anyway the way you said it was like uh like you had this look on your face like i don't even know how you're like oh i but i i like ravens and i'm like well yeah you don't have to not like ravens well this book was weird but like i said it was different it was not like anything else i had read before which is part of why i appreciated it so i'm gonna go with um i don't know

maybe like four out of seven ravens i'm i'm probably going to go fewer ravens i'm not it's totally fair that's totally fair what i don't know like maybe maybe three out of out of more than seven um like you go four out of seven i go three out of eight are they really that far off from each other does doesn't matter does any of this matter no no it does nothing matters nothing matters wow we're getting into some deep philosophical [ __ ] about what we do with our life and our time um i'm

having fun so that's all that matters really yes yeah yeah um so that's it guys i've stumped chelsea does this book break me chelsea appears broken i'm just she's continuing to just blink at me i don't i don't think this was the book for me and that's totally okay it is okay yeah that's okay it's it's cool to like other things like it's cool to have difference of opinions and to like things that like not everyone has to like all of the same things yeah and that's cool that there's

so many options that like everyone can find something that's enjoyable for them even if other people don't find that that thing is enjoyable for them um thank you for validating differences in taste yeah anytime um oh my god okay three out of eight four out of seven you tell us what your thoughts are smut puppies we really appreciate you smut [ __ ] hopefully you weren't just sitting and blinking at me the way chelsea was and you know what if you were that's okay we'll get you next time but

regardless stay safe out there and uh keep reading smut i guess keep reading smut we'll see you soon bye well that's it for this week's mutt [ __ ] we hope it was good for you because it sure was great for us if you're digging what we're doing it would mean a lot if you take a minute to rate and review the show wherever you're listening right now maybe tell that sexy someone to let us in here we love you we appreciate you and we'll see you next week stay spotty [Music]