well hello all you beautiful people you know what time it is [Music] ladies and gents guys and dolls and everyone in between gather round get you something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on because it's time for smut club here's your hosts chelsea and hannah [Applause] [Music] i've been told i'm a very loud clapper you are and it's one of my favorite qualities that you have did you know that about me i didn't we only work together remotely we've never been in the same room until now
yes correct correct anyway hi i'm hannah welcome to smug club i'm chelsea also welcome to smut club woohoo um so last episode we did a lot of roasting of jeff bezos and we want to take a moment to recognize the fact that we often still patronize his business and in fact uh people who know me have know i have a lot of insomnia which is why i read as much as i do and sometimes what happens with that insomnia is i order some things from the amazon usually although i did also order a
tarot card journal at three o'clock in the morning like right before christmas um i haven't used it yet but it came and it has stamps so that i can stamp what cards i pulled for different days um i don't i don't know why i did that but earlier this week at about two o'clock in the morning i did order a bodysuit from the amazon and some tights please tell us like when you say bodysuit that's really open for interpretation because there's there's sexy bodysuits it's there's like they're like
like the catwoman is that like no so it's not like a jumpsuit situation it's more of a like an adult onesie action where like it like it's cut like a one-piece bathing suit on the bottom you know what i'm talking about and then it has like loose sleeves which i was excited about and the purpose apparently of a bodysuit of this design is so that you can wear like pants or a skirt or whatever with it and it won't ride up which is an issue i have you know i've seen those so are there legs
no oh so it's just more like a crotch button a situation it is it is it stays it has snaps crotch snaps crotch snaps so one of the girls at work wears these a lot which is why i even considered perusing them recently and i asked her about like how does she how does she pee like is it a challenge you know yes you know because when i'm at work i don't really want to deal with that and she was she was like sometimes i just push it to the side and she did this weird little squat
motion showed you like in my head i'm like it's just like when you wear a one-piece swimsuit and go to the restroom and you move it to the side i don't feel like i've ever needed to model that no i didn't i didn't need it demonstrated but i'm very grateful that it was so that should be here tomorrow so i'm really interested to see although i did order it with the thought that i would wear it with some of the work pants that i have and then i realized it's a little bit low plunging and my
boobs are kind of an issue so oh yeah well you do have a client right now who's a little um romantically fixated on you and so maybe wait until they are discharged from services before you wear it yeah well the so the other day i had like i got home and i was changing into my pjs and my husband was like honey are you wearing two bras and i was like babe i am almost always wearing two bras because my tits are huge and they enter the room like 10 minutes before i do and
i work with men and so yes i'm wearing two bras and he was like okay i'm really sorry i love you he's like wow i didn't know that that was going to evoke such a strong response out of you yeah and i was like i bet you're sorry that you said that and he was like i am which is also funny to me because well our listeners don't necessarily know this off the bat um hannah and her husband work at the same place we do yes that's correct do you all drive together no is there a re like do you all work
different hours does it just like keep a boundary between you at work i mean it's partially a boundary thing but also i have to be in earlier than he does usually uh that's fair and then um so he does primarily intakes so he usually has to stay later than i do because intakes are coming in later in the day um so i usually am able to leave earlier but i get there earlier so well yeah you get there earlier and then you get to leave earlier and take off the double brow situation because while it's
necessary for work it's also not comfortable for life that's correct yeah um we aren't currently sponsored by a bra company but if someone wanted to sponsor us we would be willing to try your products yeah i know you guys probably haven't actually seen me or like know what i look like but there's a lot happening here that needs support well that makes one of us so life's all about balance and that's what we bring here as well it is yeah okay so tell me today on smut club um
we're gonna do some like age gap smut yes who doesn't love some good age gap smut me oh i won't tell you about it then i'll choose something else no i want to hear you you just don't like age gap smart like sometimes it me it it skeeves me out a little bit when it's like the girl
is 17. oh no i think she's 19 in this one she can legally buy a lottery ticket she is legal to join the marines so can she legally drink no can she join the military and fight for our country yes um okay then so that's better right at least she's illegal yeah so and it's also he's like a hot 38 or 39 year old yeah okay it's like there's like a 20 year gap all right before i go into any of this i should really just tell us um so today we are talking about birthday girl by penelope douglas okay
um yes it's a it's a fun one it's a relatively quick one sure um it was the first i think it was the first penelope douglas book i ever read also consequently my favorite because sometimes she's like i enjoy her books but she's a little bit like on the wrong side of bully smut where you're like oh this isn't i'm just reading cruelty and then they're like i'm so wet and you're like no one else is wet no this is not fun to read no i'm not into that so just throwing that out there that she
has some other books that i've considered she has some other books that i've read she has some other books that have put me in a weird emotional place i was gonna throw it out here they got a reaction and they got you thinking so they did i also i like i don't do it for every book i read but when i leave book reviews on goodreads i like to do one sentence book reviews because here's the thing no one wants to read a [ __ ] novel sometimes i do when they're really terrible
well sometimes i do if like the reviews are really hilarious because the book was so terrible yeah but i also feel like a lot of times people just they're like i'm gonna write a dissertation right on a book that was only rated 3.5 stars in the first place and i'm like we already know it was subpar i don't need a dissertation on it being subpar every thought i had while reading this book there you go yes and i'm like no queen no one needs that live your truth if that means a lot to you to
post those reviews i'm not going to read them but that shouldn't stop you sure from living your life all that said when i leave reviews i tend to leave one to two sentence or most commonly there's a semicolon involved so it's still one sentence um and i i left a review for another one of her books that was not the most favorable well pro you know i i'm in a different season of life i might try rereading it and reviewing it at some point but yeah i think i gave it like one star and
then my friend texts me a screenshot of my review that popped up on goodreads and she was like i spit my coffee out because this was so harsh and i was like oh okay i can be better so all that said please don't be better when you're telling me whatever you're about to tell me right okay so birthday girl opening cena birthday girl you got the birthday girl i know we're very confused here um we did not see that coming that the book is called birthday girl and it's we open
on the birthday girl her name is jordan sure she works somewhere she works at a bar that's where she works sure somewhere passive um so she works at a bar she lives in a small town she doesn't make much money she her mom's an addict or dead i don't really remember what's happening with her mother we don't give a [ __ ] about your dead mom jordan we don't care it's like a side note it's not really like she's not close with her father and her step mother she is close with her older sister who
is a stripper in town at the strip club called the hook so aside from beef that's the best name for a strip club that i've heard in a while i'm pretty sure in the middle of nowhere town where my parents live there's a strip club called the fuzzy hole i stand corrected i can't say which one is better i can fuzzy hole is the best town in tennessee so i just want to point out that you just said bum [ __ ] immediately after talking about the fuzzy hole the bum [ __ ] town has a fuzzy hole strip
club and i think that's all you really need to know about east tennessee yeah i don't have it it's beautiful yeah i have no follow-up questions carry on go visit no stunning i won't do that thank you okay so we open so the bar closes jordan decides she's the main character she decides she's gonna go to the movies um her boyfriend hasn't picked her up from work yet rude um i don't remember his name he's also her age i should know his name whatever he's not the love interest so i
don't give a [ __ ] so jordan goes to the movies and she meets this cool older gentleman i believe his name is pike
pike is like 38 39. he's the main love interest so they just have like that connection they are [ __ ] vibing actually this movie sure he mentions like a poltergeist showing and she's like oh like i want to go but like in her head she feels guilty because she's like i have a boyfriend so i shouldn't like want to hang out with this dude so then they leave the movie her boyfriend still hasn't picked her up um and then pike gets a phone call saying he needs to go to the local jail
to pick someone up plot twist jordan is dating pike's son i know none of us saw this coming no i'm frankly floored by that right it's uncanny like yeah wow yeah so um they have to go and pick him up because he was throwing jordan a birthday party and then everyone got out of hand and out of control um before jordan made it to her birthday party i was gonna say a birthday party where she wasn't even there yeah like he was trying to throw her a surprise party and be like a sweet boyfriend
and then everyone went wild and not too turnt and then he got arrested they get kicked out of their apartment that they're living in together she's in school she wants to be a landscape architect she really like she has her head on her shoulder she's just overcoming a lot of adversity in her life okay and she's a hot 19 year old so they've now been evicted yes and so the aspiring landscape architect yes jordan who is dating this guy yes is into the father of this
guy she didn't know was the father of this guy she finds out because they're they have to go pick him up from jail because he threw her a party where she wasn't there and it got too turnt and he got arrested and then them evicted from their home yes you understand like the first chapter of this book that's all the first chapter maybe the first two if we're feeling crazy oh my god okay okay okay carry on so plot twist they're evicted and they're like [ __ ] where are we going to live
we should live with my father is what the boyfriend says so jordan and her boyfriend move in with the hot dad who she like is struggling with her feelings for um and her boyfriend just sucks if we're being completely honest he's like a 19 year old idiot like sure no offense to 19 year olds but i feel like most 19 year old dudes like don't know what they're doing in life or they're like they're working towards the goal but they haven't achieved it yet like no shame on you if you're
working towards something he's a little aimless and not really working towards anything and she is working towards a lot of things now mind you like jordan and the boyfriend they've been friends for a really long time before they started dating and like they had a traumatic experience that they went through together where they they lost another friend so like the trauma bonding yeah some trauma bonding like they're are they more together just out of comfort and like familiarity sure who can say
i can say actually i'm licensed and qualified to determine as a licensed therapist in two out of 50 states nice yes um i will say they don't really have any business being together but they were brought together by a traumatic experience and they have a trauma bond and so there's a lot of like oh i just like put up with their [ __ ] because like it all like works out and it's fine and so then they're living with hot dad pike he owns a construction company sure and
like mind you like it's not like they're not living there for on a free ride like they're supposed to help with chores they're supposed to do these things but i'm sure we're all surprised to hear that the boyfriend isn't pulling his weight in the house and so jordan is like i'm gonna pull weight for both of us and i'm gonna cook dinner every night and i'm gonna clean and i'm gonna do this and i'm gonna do that and so she's really like just becomes like the woman of the house
who's running everything while her boyfriend lives his best life with no accountability because he's much he's a lot more like well i'm living with my dad's like who gives a [ __ ] if i said i was gonna do today i can do it three days from now like it doesn't matter and she's like no if you said you're gonna do it today like she's very principled sure much like a 38 or 39 year old man i don't remember how old he is so um a storm comes through and pike is like [ __ ]
there's gonna be a storm we have to like go get the construction site sealed and get everything put away but his son is sleeping so jordan's like oh volunteer i'll go help all of the construction pros that work for you and like so she goes and helps and like they like keep bonding and essentially that's a lot of the book i'm not gonna bore you with all of the details but it's like then like it's her like showing up and like the boyfriend not doing dick and so like at one point like so wait is
boyfriend literally not doing dick throughout the book he like kind of works on her car a little bit and he well no i meant like physical dick oh also not much physical death yeah i think there's like one or two experiences where like it's one where it's like we had a fight that night and he's like all we ever do is fight anymore like we don't bone anymore and then she's like i let him pull me into the shower the next morning and i was like that feels more like a freebie that
you gave cause you felt bad more than you were into it right um i mean who am i to look at your motivators i'm a therapist that's who i am that's a situation also can i just i every time you say that the dude's name is pike i just think of like is that a fish isn't that like a kind of fish is it i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure that's like a kind of fish and i'm not knowledgeable enough about fish to know if it's fresh water or salt water i'm but i feel certain that it's the kind of
fish and and then that leads me back to the word slippery um so i just learned a pike fish a northern pike a northern pike um is a carnivorous fish jesus right they are typical of brackish and fresh waters in the northern hemisphere they're known they are known simply as a pike they aren't known as northern pike in the south but they're known as a pike in britain ireland and most of eastern europe and canada and the united states so i don't know who's left calling it a
northern pike but there is a fish tight breed species called a pike family order class i don't really remember so okay okay all right so he's named after a carnivorous fish and i have a lot of questions about what is the fish eating like well he wants to eat jordan i was gonna say obviously he is into eating other fish carry on right and so he's like really like reconciling his thoughts and his feelings here so for sure yeah [ __ ] son decides to throw a redo birthday
party that's just kind of a party cause that's what we need exactly like jordan's like not super into it but like pike gets her like a birthday cake and she's like oh like who's the cake for and he's like oh like it's for you and like he felt embarrassed because he's playing poker with his friends who are also all like age-appropriate while his son is having a party with a bunch of like 19 year olds in bikinis and all hanging out at the pool sure sure and so most of
the book is this like push and pull tension between these moments there's a time so jordan has an ex-boyfriend who had like assaulted her at some point and like that's obviously bad news bears no one is a fan of assault sure i think his name was jay he was a side character i didn't give a [ __ ] so um jay like likes to show up likes to try and like still [ __ ] with her like it's still like you don't know if he's into her or if he's just like antagonizing her right
right and so there's a scene where jordan's boyfriend doesn't pick her up from work again again i know we're all surprised he's a 19 year old with no responsibilities on his plate who's partying and not picking up his hard-working girlfriend from work color me shocked i'm not i'm floored she is like okay she like she closes down and then she goes to leave and jay is outside to pick her up and she's like where like where's my boyfriend and he's like oh well like he got trashed so like he
asked me to come pick you up and she's like he would never ask that because he knows like you assaulted me and i'm like not cool with you and so she's like i won't like go anywhere with you and so she goes inside and locks herself in the bar for the night so pike sees she wasn't home that night and he calls her and is like i can't believe you would like pull this [ __ ] on my son i thought you were honorable i thought you were respectful you're out doing lord knows what with who knows what
um rude and a lot of assumptions so many assumptions carnivorous fish did not ask any questions this [ __ ] carnivorous fish he felt like a real putts about it later i'll tell you that much so he's pike the putts pike the putts the carnivorous the carnivorous fish everybody knows we love alliteration we really like i'm a [ __ ] for alliteration i love it it's the best i'm sure your husband loves that yes i'll ask him later but hey could you speak in some alliterations
for me how do you feel about a living awesome alliteration anyway so that's where we're at so pike makes all of these assumptions pretentious pike makes all of these assumptions and then shows up at the bar and then the owner of the bar that jordan works at is like she's a good kid no she didn't get in jay's car or like didn't go with jay last night because he assaulted her and she didn't feel comfortable and so then pike is like i'm such an ass because i like laid into
this girl for like cheating on my son all these things right um vin pike decides like i don't remember if this was before or after that scene but like pike decides that he's gonna remodel the guest bathroom which is their bathroom in his house and so they have to use the master bath for showers and things of that capacity like at some point jordan's in the shower and she's like fantasizing about pike and like starts masturbating and then uses his loofah between her
but then like doesn't realize it's his luffa until afterwards and it's like hold on hold on who else is luffa would it be hers she thought it was her own like wouldn't you know your own loofah like i mean if you look at the color of it probably if your eyes are closed maybe not like i would know if it's my loofah from texture have some questions i don't feel like i would be blindly groping around the shower for a loofah like i guess if you're just like open for that in the moment and you're
masturbating and you have your eyes closed unless you masturbate with your eyes open and then you just like reach back behind you and grab whatever loofah is most available no no no and then you put it between your legs no no no i feel like even if you're mid masturbate if you are reaching for a loofah you at least slit your eyes to like figure out what you're grabbing right well and so then she like finishes and then is like his loofah yeah like using his luffa
because friction obviously and then she's like oh i should buy him a new loofah he's masturbating in the shower thinking about her and then he's like where the [ __ ] is my loofah so she does so she never replaced it she took the loofah it wasn't just that she used it she took it well she threw it out because she's like i did orgasm on this lupa the least i can do is buy the man a new one um and then i don't and then apparently she didn't get around to it before he
was also masturbating in the shower but i also feel like you got to replace the luffa like within a 24-hour time frame yeah you know like i don't know priorities and stuff like how long was it between showers where like at one at what point was he was like was he like my luffa is missing right and i need it right so it is definitely something to consider so okay so we left off with him masturbating in the shower and so was he looking for his luffa to then finish or was he finished and then just
gonna actually shower i think it was more of that he's like where the [ __ ] is my luffa he's like i got off where is my luffa now that i think about it i don't imagine a dude would want to use a luffa while masturbating but as a woman i i i don't feel like i can speak to that as a woman i can't speak to that as a man i will say they probably aren't i feel like that's what i just heard you say like i mean i don't know but i would think like that would not be pleasant
well so at some point in this masturbatory journey sure it and it is a journey it is a journey right so jordan gets home from work and um like there's all of this just like tension with her and pike and like she like calls them like mr lawson sometimes and you're like oh is there like some reluctance like what's happening here and so like she's standing in the house she gets home from work pike is also standing there they look out in the yard and [ __ ] boyfriend son
is in the pool with another girl what who's like they're like mid whatever they're doing sure i don't know if i don't know where they were in their journey i don't well i could if i opened the book i don't really remember where it was like like a pool bang yeah just like a i mean a two-person pool bang i feel like i didn't realize that need to be designated although considering we did reverse harem last time i guess it is worth right differentiating yeah like jordan
didn't see her boyfriend boning someone else in a pool and was like i should go join them right right instead she was like what the [ __ ] and oh has this been going on cause like like for a while because like it feels like we haven't been like as in touch lately and then you find out like this all started at her birthday party that she missed because he threw it he was that where the book started they've been boning since the book started right so he's like
i'll leave i'll go stay with this girl and jordan can keep living here with my father because i know she doesn't have any other place to live um and then there's just a lot of that like back and forth tension there's a block party at some point for one of pike's friends jordan leaves with some like age-appropriate people and there's a dude who's clearly into her and so like pike is all out of sorts about it and so then like jordan's like nothing's gonna happen but she like doesn't say
that to pike and then like she gets home from this gathering and pike has an age-appropriate lady over oh my stars and so jordan just starts like actin a fool and she starts like slamming the laundry door like the like the washer and dryer doors and just like making all of this noise and like really like trying to be a [ __ ] about it sure and so then pike kicks the lady out i know we're all surprised by this and then they're like oh like he's like you're too young and there's
all this tension she's like i guess i'll find someone else to [ __ ] me the way i want to be [ __ ] or like whatever it is sure and then he's like no one else is gonna take my job and then they bone and so then you're like oh like what's gonna happen now because it's still some weird territory and the son still doesn't know that his dad is into his ex-girlfriend right and so then they're like they're trying to navigate it and so like the morning after they bone pike's
ex-wife ex-girlfriend the son's mother shows up and they have a conversation then he's like psyching himself out because he's like i have no business right boning a 19 year old girl so that night you know mind you jordan is always hard up for money she's always hard up for cash she works in a small town at a bar that's like not like a bougie bar and so her sister is like hey we're having this wet t-shirt contest at the strip club you should come and participate in at the hook at the hook
yes the strip club the hook and her sister was also kind enough hold on so is does pike wind up on the hook oh did he i'm really sorry i just said that no he ends up he ends up in the fuzzy hole i'm really sorry i said that but i'm not sorry about where it ended up no you shouldn't be never apologize for that so jordan is like oh well like i know like pike was like i want you home when i get home and she's always making dinner and so she like has a movie queued up has the pizza
and he like doesn't come home and just like doesn't show up because he's kind of psyched himself out about this whole experience and relationship between them and so like she calls his like co-worker best friend whoever he is and i was like hey um i like i i don't i think pike's cell phone died like trying to get a hold of him like what time are y'all leaving the site like the work site and drop site and he's like oh oh well we ended hours ago like pike's been at the bar
with some friends and so she's like [ __ ] this [ __ ] i'm not sitting around i'm not waiting for him i just need to go make my own money do my own thing so she decides to go to the hook and participate in this contest that her sister has pre-purchased the lingerie for her to wear to this because like what are sisters for very convenient yeah right although to be fair i have sisters and i have never purchased either of them lingerie of any kind i think i bought my sister
lingerie for her bachelorette party and vice versa but i think that's like the gist of it yeah i don't think like it's never like hey i was just at the department store and thought i'd pick you up a little something something like that never happened i was just thinking about you and i saw this and i was like oh my god you know who would look amazing in this my sister but also would that be a good birthday party theme one year like no one ever gives you nice underwear or lingerie
unless it's your bachelorette party right so like what if i was just like hey for my birthday i wanna have a lingerie party where you just buy me lingerie i mean sure if that's what you want to do like it it feels a little like controversial but it's not the weirdest thought i've ever had it could be fun it's a theme it is it's a theme some people do like golf as a theme why not do lingerie sure right yeah so jordan is wearing this lingerie at the hook not the fuzzy hole that one's
in tennessee this one isn't a book so at the hook and lingerie is covering her fuzzy hole to be clear you are correct and so pike gets home and like sees that like jordan's not there and then he's starting to feel guilty and he like sees like the pizza and he sees it like the tv was already queued up for this movie because she thought they were having this like date night and he just like didn't show up and didn't call her or communicate with her so she goes to this contest and then he's
like i'm gonna dress up for her i'm gonna let her know she matters so he puts on a suit and goes to the hook and is like they're watching her like get pulled onto stage reluctantly and then they like poured a pitcher of water on her head even though she'd been saying no and then he's like this is mine like no one else should like see what's mine right that like possessive energy so he then is like come with me and they're like making out and the strip club parking lot
and then he like has his mouth on her boob and then a cop drives by that he knows like hey man is that what's his face his daughter there and he's like yeah and so then they go home and on the drive home he's like yeah well like i know like you like never like strip like you don't have it in you and she's like [ __ ] you i do have to send me i just don't want to do it for a living so she's like hey why don't we like get in our swimsuits and like go swimming
and like hang out in the pool he's like all right sounds good and he's not really thinking about it so she goes up and then locks herself in her bedroom and then facetimes him and then is like let me show you my sexy dance moves and she has like music on and she's like stripping in her bedroom on facetime for her well he's downstairs yeah like he's on the couch on facetime they're in the same building yeah okay so then he goes up and like is like oh i'm so hard right now like we like got like i
like i want to be a part of this and then her bedroom door is locked and she's like you said i didn't have it in me and i definitely did and then he like watches her like orgasm while riding the side of her desk or something like that what and then he's like open the door and she's like that makes less sense than a loofah well like how like i'm trying to imagine like the position you have to be in and like the on the corner angle ow i don't i don't like that but okay i mean whatever
floats your penis i guess or your [ __ ] i don't know whatever floats your penis i don't think that's a saying it might become a saying it's not whatever floats your boat whatever floods your dick do it sure yeah so then he's like let me and she's like no like you said i couldn't do it and i can and like i'm gonna go to bed now and so then like good night i'm really relaxed because i gave myself a desk orgasm thank you yes you told me i couldn't strip so i [ __ ] myself on the
side of a desk joke's on you oh and so then he's like goes to bed and is sexually frustrated and then she like texts him and she's like she's like don't masturbate like don't touch yourself and so she's like you know like you have to like sleep like and he apparently just says okay i'm like you're a 38 or 39 year old man bro you do not need to just like wait right and so then the next day his business partner best friend like calls her and he's like hey like you know i like pikes
like a lot of stories he's like super pissed he he put like three times the amount of nails in the drywall and he was like he's heading home earlier all the nails exactly all the nails in the drywall and so hike heads home early and then like she's sunbathing in the front yard and the suburbs i don't know and then he's like get in the house and then a neighbor's like hey she's the girl and she's like are you interested in babysitting i heard you babysat for this other neighbor and then
it's just like this weird thing like once again really noting their age differences sure sure so they bone and then like that's where we're at uh-huh uh-huh there's no blood play i don't i'm sorry to disappoint you there's no blood play i mean all right not everything can be done at vipers am i right so not every man can be diesel wearing a sequin unicorn fanny pack precisely well so pike doesn't have one of those because he's not a [ __ ] does he keep grenades and tacos anywhere
where do where is he where does he keep his grenades and tacos so jordan and pike are like getting into this like better space and like okay like she's still like you have to like tell your son at some point like right and then his ex calls them and is like hey the power like the ac is that at my house we need to come stay with you so now his ex who he like casually bones when the mood strikes historically sure and his sons are now moving back in with him oh dear
and so jordan had moved out of the bedroom that she had shared with the ex-boyfriend and so they're like it's a three-bedroom is what i've i've gathered um she moves into the third bedroom because she's like i'm not sleeping in that room anymore and then the mom is like like pike is like cool like tells his ex his son's mom he's like cool you can sleep on the couch and she's like well why can't i just sleep in that bedroom and he's like well that's because that's jordan's
bedroom and she's like well why can't she just sleep in the same room as our son like it's just sleep for a few nights does it really matter and oh it does matter because she's mine yes but like he won't say that and like won't announce it and then so then like jordan like calls his bluff and he's like no it's fine like it's just sleep why wouldn't i and so then like neither of them can sleep like jordan and pike then like find each other like sitting out by the
pool in the middle of the night to like have these conversations cause i can't sleep without you baby right and then it's like well just tell him like you gotta like you gotta tell him at some point if we're gonna move forward and he's like i can't like do that because like he's never had a great relationship with his son and it's always been pretty volatile and he's like you can't lose them and she's like okay well then like you're gonna lose me but like that's chilled in
that show right where are your priorities do you want this 19 year old fuzzy hole or do you want your son i hated everything about that sentence but also yeah and so oh god to be fair i don't fully remember we read a lot of books we do and um so he doesn't tell his son and then like jordan's like going about her life and going to work and at one point like she comes home and plot twist her ex-boyfriend is throwing another party at his dad's house i'm sensing a theme well and son has
told dad he's like hey like i broke up with that other girl like i got this job with benefits it starts like next week i'm really excited about it and it's like oh wow like okay like he's really doing [ __ ] with his life so then his son is throwing this party jay the [ __ ] x is at the party and like comes on to jordan jordan like usurps it and then at someone like her and pike you're like fighting and jay like sees it and he starts like calling jordan derogatory names so then like
then they start when he like like he punches him and it becomes this fight and then the son shows up and then like it gets announced that his dad is [ __ ] his ex-girlfriend and it becomes whole right so like that's really the scene where it all like plays out that's like a that's a scene that's a lot happening there in the front yard of in the front yard yes why didn't anything like that ever happen in my neighborhood because you live in the middle of nowhere in north georgia i do
but like i still live in a neighborhood though there are still people who are depraved and weird why can't they do it outside well so when i used to work crisis there was like there was a very like residential area in nashville and i went and there was a woman she was not doing well and needed to be put in a psychiatric hospital sure like she was like sweeping her roof in the rain and like yeah it was very much like i had to let the trees grow over my house because
like the cia's spying on me kind of energy oh man um she wouldn't get off her roof and then the police were looking at me like how do we get her off her roof and i was like that's a you problem i just write the paperwork together into a hospital right i know for for kittens you call the fire department so maybe give them give them a ring just see um as someone who worked for the fire department they would not have come i know i know and so yeah what was interesting to me was the lady
finally she was to be to her credit she took the ladder down from the roof and was trying to sneak back into her house not knowing police were behind her house and so then she like got hog tied and they're like taking her to her car and it's like a very residential area and i'm on the street in the rain while all of this is happening and like the five surrounding houses where all of these just like hipster millennials drink in their blue ribbon like just like sitting on their front
porch watching this woman get hospitalized and i'm like what a weird energy so i'm here to guarantee you that at least three of those individuals tried to work that into their new stand-up comedy routine or because it was nashville their song there you go yeah right so all that said the book didn't take place in nashville and so all this happens in the front yard and like jordan's like [ __ ] this [ __ ] i'm leaving right and so then she decides like he's not gonna claim me
he's not gonna say anything like she's like i'm out and so she's like i have a friend she runs a motel out of state i think in like west virginia and she's like i'm gonna maybe not west virginia am i manifesting that i don't know i maybe it was in virginia i think it was west virginia anyway her friend owns a motel and she's like i'm gonna go live with her are they met on a school field trip to washington dc that's what it was i don't even remember so washington dc and west virginia are
very different places just to be clear they are but geographically they aren't that far from yeah geographically all things considered they're not that far from each other you're correct right so she leaves and decides she's gonna like go stay with a friend and is like piecing out of this town cause it's also between classes her classes haven't started back up at the college sure sure because landscape architecture is her calling apparently she's very good at it
because she left the models in pike's house because she had no place to take them when she bounced so oh and he's a contractor so he would know exactly i'm making the connection right so then he pike goes like jordan pieces he like can't get in contact with her um and then he goes to his ex's house and then she's like just let you know our son's new job he joined the military he shipped out for basic this morning or yesterday or whatever stars and so then pike feels really
guilty and he like can't get in contact with the son because his son is ambassador right exactly so there's all of this and then jordan's gone this whole time and like the like pike has really been reconciling with himself where he's like i can't give her like what she wants because like she's this like young girl and i'm an older dude and like i i could never be what she wants and just really self-deprecating and like not really having any insight into her
actual goals or dreams or desires right he's doing a lot of mind reading right a lot of assumptions going back to earlier in the book where he didn't ask he just made assumptions right right and then he made a fool out of himself so so he continues to be a fool as men often do 100 so now he doesn't have his his 19 year old girlfriend nor does he have his 19 year old son can't get in contact with either of them he like he goes to the strip club he goes to the hook to be like ask her
sister like i just want to like talk to her and then he's like gifts are like like there's 100 bill on the table and it's like i'll give you like just like tell me where she is and then the sister needs him in the balls and then takes the hundred dollars i was gonna say please tell me she doesn't sell her sister out for a hundred dollars like no she's better than that i love that right and i really did i was going to say i think she's my favorite character in the book that
you've she's just a good supportive character she does show up throughout the book and it's like seems like you're really into your boyfriend's dad and jordan's like no i'm not and sister's like whatever you say so there is a lot of that and all right babe right so pike is now without a girlfriend or a son or a son and then he's lonely sure and gets really ahead on work projects for his construction company and like there's a scene and he's like just installed a clothesline
in my backyard who the [ __ ] needs a clothesline these days i just needed something to do have you ever noticed that like when when these male characters get sexually frustrated suddenly like they're the most productive they've ever been like i didn't realize that sexual frustration was akin to like a damn for producing electricity you know like like like because the sexual frustration has been stoppered they have like all of this energy that goes towards like
productive things which can be helpful which makes me think that for all the ladies out there we should sleep with our husbands less so they do more around the house i don't think that's actually how it works in the real world because i feel like i feel like what happens in the real world is your partner gets sexually frustrated and then it's just grumpy and then you're like yeah honestly i'm not really in the mood yeah because we're a little bit grumpy right now like at no point in my
relationship with my husband have i ever been like oh he's fixing the broken leg on that table he's probably sexually frustrated like at no point has that not ever crossed my mind yeah no i don't think i've ever watched my husband unload the dishwasher and thought he needs a good hard ride you know like like my husband is building a gazebo in our backyard i should hop on this dick like it's not in books it's always they're like i got nothing else to do so i guess i'll get a
hammer and a nail gun i mean my husband went under the house the other day because he was sexually frustrated i was like why are you under there and he was like i was just checking it out and now i'm wondering i'm not filling in the narrative because per our conversation i'm like cool what's going on in my head and i'm like so your husband masturbated in the crawl space no i don't think that's how that happened because somebody so okay okay okay back up so the reason that he was
checking the crawl space okay is because a couple of months ago he went down to change the air filter and found that the door to the crawl space was open and the light was on down there and we did not do that oh that is unsettling yeah i was like well i don't feel safe thanks for telling me that honey i really appreciate that so we got another camera and like a whole situation we do live in the middle of nowhere so part of the reason why he was going down there was to make sure that the
crawl stays crawl space was still locked up and the last time that it had been left open a really dumb bird got in there and couldn't get out and died down there so he was also i guess checking for dead birds so i just want to make sure we're all on the same page your husband was in the crawl space because he was making sure it was secure yeah and there were no dead birds your husband was not in the crawl space because he was sexually frustrated and had no other outlet i mean i really hope
not i'm not really going to start talking about my own sex life here but i would really hope not you're like i would be shocked i mean you're like not to toot my own horn i would be shocked if that if i found out that was why i don't mean to brag but i was there and i don't think that's the issue okay so pike sexually frustrated pike actually he built i don't know he he built a picnic table with like a cooler built into it he built benches for it he built a clothesline he's just building
whatever he can his like best friend co-workers like we're like two years ahead on projects calm down dude yeah like something is clearly this man needs something else in his life other than go rub one out because yes yeah that is his friend's energy so then pike goes into jordan's old room that like still smells like her and he hadn't been in there and then she had this like jar of papers that were all like wishes and dreams and things like that but they were all like really like cute and sweet
they were all like start my own like holiday family tradition and like kiss someone in the rain i don't know i'm making [ __ ] up at this point go forward like go mudding like all like very 19 year old things to want to do yes like very like sweet attainable things yeah that then like pike is reading through these and being like oh like i could have given her all of these things that she wanted and so then he goes to the bar that she used to work at the sister
the stripper sister because she's the sweet angel baby of the entire book she's been covering some shifts at the bar of course so she's stripping and working at the spa to cover her sister's shifts and he's like i really miss her like i want to see her and they're like okay well like it's not on like we can't decide for her so like sure like we'll tell you she's at a motel that her friend owns and then like he like that's like all like in virginia or west virginia i think it
was west virginia and then they're like cool that's all we're giving you then he still had to work for it and then he shows up at the hotel sure and where there are a lot of beds and doors with locks i imagine there was only one room left because because this is actually in the book um because a dude shows up and buys there's only six rooms left and he like get takes five of them for his girls yes and so for his harem or is he a pimp i'm pretty sure he's a pimp because there's another
book that the i'm still not sure the release date but penelope douglas has a book called motel it's about the friend who runs the motel and i believe the pimp falling in love because they're both really into 90s trivia something like that so that's the connection they needed so all i can think about speaking of 90s trivia although i know this isn't 90s but like you know that ray j song sexy can i of course so all i can think about now is that bit where he's like um
uh i've got a girl at the crib we can take it to the momo you can bring a friend you can ride solo that's all i can think now anytime i hear the word motel that's what i think of whenever i think of the song sexy can i i just think of get it from the front can i hit it from the back no i like it like that yep 100 that's that's the only i'm like that's all i need from that song so i'm really glad we got to share that thank you ray j how you doing my guy so there's
one room left yes so there's one room left and so um yeah that was a little bit of a teaser at the end of the book for this other book but the release date keeps getting delayed she does have a book called motel penelope do you have nerona why are we getting delayed have you had their own since 2020 like i mean people can get it more than once according to my research they can and i don't think that's what's happening here but i think they they can i just i just
made an assumption much like pike the crew right fish presumptuous pike just out there making all these making all these judgment calls that are not working in his favor no so then they end up together and then she and she moves back and they live happily ever after um his wife not his wife she becomes his wife his son um he meets a nice girl when he's stationed in japan and so like they have a kid in the future and then he men's fences oh yeah i forgot to mention the
sun does show back up before pike goes after jordan like he's done with basic and he's like i got the letters you sent me i got the phone cards you sent me and i was like well i didn't use the phone cards to call me that's why i gave them to you but i'm glad you used your phone cards um and then like the stuff so that's not how it works in basic it's not prison it's not that's not how it works in basic like you get you're missing the point of this book i don't think that was the point
i don't know why that's that's the thing you're like hold up this is the one plot hole in the entire book it's not prison that's not how it works but anyway thank you so he shows up yes okay carry on and the son like is like hey dad like i recognize like that you've always been there like you took a second mortgage out on this house so i could go to college and i dropped out after my freshman year and like i remember like this birthday party where mom got drunk
and got in a fight with her ex and like you took everyone here instead and i remember when like you lost a job because you came to my like birthday or because you came to my game whatever it is and so like the sun is just like acknowledging like i know we haven't been close but like you haven't been a shitty father i just like have still been disconnected and so they start bonding and they get matching tattoos and it's a it's a thing and okay and then he goes after jordan and then
like the epilogue is like well then they get engaged at some point in the final chapter i believe and then the epilogue is like 10 years in the future and like she's a successful landscape architect and they have children and her ex-boyfriend also has children the same age so sometimes they'll help watch them and they're all like they have a great relationship now um they go mudding at some they go mudding a couple times in the book it just didn't feel that pertinent and
that is essentially birthday girl um what i'm going to rate birthday girl yeah how many birthday candles does it get oh birthday candles yes okay um well she's 19 so it's out of 19 birthday candles until her 20th birthday okay so it's out of 19. yeah so out of 19 i would give it like a solid like 13 or 14. birthday candles what what what is the the the [ __ ] i don't know what you're asking what's the percentage i just opened my clock instead of my calculator so okay so like
what's 13 out of 19 or 14. let's do 14 out of 19. okay okay hold on
14 out of 19 is 73. well considering you gave 5 out of 7 which was 71 on den of viper we're on par we are let's see what the rest of the world has rated ooh that's a good idea so the rest of the world has rated birthday girl no i don't want the office profile i just want the book um with 86 000 ratings on goodreads oh my god 4.06 stars that's too many stars that's pretty damn good yeah i so part of me feels like i should read that because i have i have not read it
but another part of me feels like i would need to like mainline wine if i was gonna do that like yes like big age gaps are a struggle for me i will say of all age gap books this one was one i like i actually didn't struggle with i feel like there's some age gap books where i'm like like creedence was the one i rated really poorly i cannot i cannot with that one we're going to record it's not just me yes that's going to be all of it in and of itself i honestly i think for the amount
of time we spend we're never going to get two books in one episode we're gonna get one book an episode and count our lucky stars that we made it through and we're gonna feel good about it yes so birthday girl 14 out of 19 birthday candles okay um 73 percent 73 maybe 15 depending i've i've read it twice no i've read i think i've read it three times oh my god here's the thing over several years okay i think it's like it's one of those books that i'm like about once a year i'm like oh i
could go back to that but it's like a like not quite a comfort book situation but like a book that's like i don't want my brain to work right now yes i read it like i'm like yeah like i've read like it's an easy read there's enough smut there's not there's no blood play it's like a safer smut there's no breath play there's no ring there's just like a nice age gap and some loofah masturbation and some other things with that there is some other sex i'm struggling with that with the loofah
i i just i don't like texturally i feel like that would be a struggle i wouldn't be into that no also if you're already like if you are already mid masturbation i don't feel like you're like you know what would really add to this experience a loofah some rough ass friction well but then there's also i have a lot of questions about the loofah like was it one of those like natural ones that was or or was it like one of those plasticky ones yeah like was it like a
walmart loofah that you just get from that aisle or was it like when you go and get like a like a actual sea sponge yes precisely i don't think it was that given the tone of this book okay at no point did they say sea sponge i mean i don't pike using a sea sponge is too much for me i would just like to reiterate jordan used a loofah no but i mean but it was i'm pretty sure it was yes oh so you just met like pike using a sea sponge on his entire box like on a daily basis like pike isn't
into a sea sponge yeah he doesn't strike me as a man who intentionally exfoliates and i feel like if you're using a sea sponge you know the word exfoliate you do and you do it regularly all right i'm really glad we had this time together me too what a great book review what a great episode so thank you all for listening thank y'all for being here and being a part of this read birthday girl or don't if age gap lupo sex isn't your thing it is not mine i won't be reading it i feel like i
got what i needed from your retelling so thank you you know i'll take that and i do think that like you're like yeah i'll read this book where they shoved the knife handle up her ass but a loofah is too hard for me listen here's what i'm about to do i'm about to put it on my goodreads as read because i feel like like you telling it to me i have experience you got the experience even for as much of that book because i was like i don't [ __ ] know it it happened like that
that was a trivial detail you're like i still understand including like the boyfriend's name i don't i don't need to know those things i have experienced the book now and i am eternally grateful to you for that so thank you well i'm glad i kind of bring that to your life i hope you'll have a great day yes goodbye enjoy adios