well hello all you beautiful people you know what time it is [Music] ladies and gents guys and dolls and everyone in between gather round get you something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on because it's time for smut club here's your hosts chelsea and hannah [Applause] hey everybody welcome to smug club i'm hannah i'm chelsea thanks for joining us today uh welcome to smug club yes we're we're glad you're here we've got a joint review for you today of um like a bonnie and clyde-esque smut
book is that how you would describe it yeah i would describe it that way it is bonnie and clyde-esque um it is confessed by nicola rendell um and it is a journey took the word out of my head yes it's a journey wow and like so i read this for the first time i think early on and the pandemic and i mean it's a fun journey there's parts of the journey that i could do without reliving but like i it's a it's a fun journey we'll get into it but yeah when i was going through and
outlining this i was like man yeah there were some things i forgot in this journey yep same and some things i'd like to forget yep in this journey but we can't they're imprinted into our minds and now we've outlined them and we're gonna share them with you so now they're in writing not just the author's writing but in our outline writing as well yep so buckle in everybody yeah here we go so and this is this one is dual point of view yep sometimes it's pertinent to say who's
point of view sometimes yeah sometimes we'll just go on the journey so we start with vince yes vince russo yes so it opens with him basically immediately following a car accident and he's kind of like a little dazed and confused he has run his truck into a tree someone hit him someone rear-ended him um and he my notes say he's wicked pissed um because he had stolen this vehicle from a walmart or something like a half hour before right barely got any use out of his freshly stolen
vehicle exactly before he was running off the road but then he sees the chick who ran him off the road and he's like hot damn uh okay it is like insta lust he like describes there's like marilyn monroe-esque with her curves and it's like he goes from being pissed to like kind of being a little annoyed but he's like almost in a way where it's like she's hot enough that yeah that it's okay she's feisty she smells like peaches he does have the thought if she were a brunette i'd be [ __ ] and
that is relevant later um and yeah he has definitely done time and so he's like no cops and she's like okay no cops yeah like she's very agreeable to no cops which we'll learn in a little bit why she's super agreeable to no cops but for now she's like okay i'm so sorry yeah let's not get police or insurance involved she also frequently gets into car accidents she's kind of flighty and like a very distracted driver um so she's she's kind of used to this and ultimately is like i'm so sorry um
like we can call a tow truck at the very least and he's like we don't need to tow truck but he's also like not gonna tell her he stole the car so they don't need a tow truck um at the very least she's like let me offer you a ride to the motel or a motel there's one relatively nearby and that's the least i can do since i ran you off the road i'm so sorry and he's like that sounds great so he goes to the truck to grab his bag and wipe down his fingerprints um and then as he's walking back he
hears the sound and apparently there's a moment where he was like the truck's gonna explode and so he like tackles her to the ground and they land together in the dirt and then he like sniffs because she smells really good and then she's like are you giving me eskimo kisses yep and he's like i'm just checking for injuries and she's like by like sniffing my face it is pretty amusing how all of that shakes out um but he very much is enjoying being all up on her body um and he's like
what's your name and she says lucy but everyone calls me helen and he's like oh okay and he's like she seems like a shitty liar but then he's also like cool i'm vince and he's like damn it i gave my real name too like neither of them seem great at the not espionage yeah we're a little flustered with the con the artisan i'm i'm a con artisan it is artisanal conic yep artisanal conning i'm like the sourdough of conic a con artist listen i've been working on my starter for like 10 years my
conning is very artisanal it's very niche but not niche enough that i can remember to give a fake name exactly so lucy we then flashed back to 10 hours earlier from lucy's point of view yes we um we learned lucy is um the heiress to a lunch meet empire um birchette birchette birchette however the hell we want to say it doesn't matter um and they are having a bit of an e coli scandal um and also we find out that the sec is looking into like embezzlement charges and her her parents
like lucy comes from a very affluent family obviously she's an heiress to a meat a lunch meat empire yeah i would call that a fluent um but it's not a great home life her mom is like an alcoholic and like popping xanax and her dad's like you can't embezzle from your own company can you and she's like yeah dad you [ __ ] can yeah so she's just like i'm over this this is not a great thing there's scandals on scandals and lucy then decides she like she goes to the parent safe takes 20 grand in cash
out and is like i'm out and runs away yep um she does say goodbye to her horse peanut yes she has a little necklace with a peanut on it because she loves her horse it's all very sweet but then she hears on the radio or she sees on the news she gets an alert on her phone but there are 200 more cases of e coli linked to her family's company and so she gets distracted and she reminds someone who turns out to be a wicked hot dude with tattoos and dark hair and she's super into that
vince vince for the clarification while she has several car accidents in her life there is only one today yep so we heard vince's experience of getting hit and her experience of hitting vince yep um so then back to the present like vince is kind of like like what are you doing and lucy's like going on a solo road trip and he's like okay really that that doesn't sound factual and then she's like he like makes a joke about robbing her yeah he's very obviously casing the vehicle
and like her as a mark and then he makes a joke about robbing her and she's like but he's is like super attracted to her so it's this weird like they're like flirting but he's also like sizing her up and he's like okay so she comes from money she's driving what is like she's driving like a bmw yeah bmw suv or something like he's he's very clearly trying to put these pieces together but is also like she is very hot yeah and at this point we learn um from his own thoughts he's running
from the russian mob um and has several warrants out for his arrest back east so that's why he is driving west um and my notes the exact words and my notes are she drives like an absolute clown show and gives him a heart attack yeah great notes they really they really cover everything there yep um so they make it to the motel and my notes say comically intense chemistry entering the motel lobby lucy seductively sucks lollipop yeah and there's only one room available
oh my stars so then while they are waiting for the one room i would also real fast i thought it was really funny when she's like okay well like and her hit or she says like i can leave him here and like i'll go get another hotel and they're like north east of knoxville right um and the manager of the hotel's like i wouldn't if i were you because of the holiday weekend every hotel from here to memphis is full and i'm like if you know anything about tennessee geography
knoxville and memphis are not close no um and i'm like okay well like memphis is like they're like six hours away from each other yeah like like she could find a room but why would she because he's working the hustle this old man at this motel to get them to take this one room and so she does um and then but they have to wait for the room to be cleaned so vince is like hey let me buy you dinner there's a bar across the street i'm sure they serve food um and she is um
a little suspicious and he is like don't worry about it like i'm no trouble i promise like i just want to buy she's suspicious my notes say she's suspicious and then the direct quote is you look like you could turn communion into a misdemeanor yeah i didn't interpret that as suspicion i was just like man she is way too ready to dick down it was my entire time she died anyway so you know it does not take long to dick down so yeah they go to the bar across the street vin starts ordering them shots
and burgers like what did she did she asked for like a cobb salad or like something that they're like we're a dive bar we do not i think she asked for wine like she ordered wine and they were like babe oh yeah she was like can i have like your white a white wine or something like that and they're really like honey no so he orders um two shots of the four horsemen which turns out is four kinds of whiskey altogether and so she slams it and so does he and then doesn't he order
more shots he does he does like a few shots of this yeah which is illegal which i'm like no it's not like what ordinance that's [ __ ] it's whiskey and it seemed like initially like the bartender was just kind of like yeah we don't do that [ __ ] here because we don't want the trouble that comes with the sort of people who are ordering that's the establishment yes i'm like you're they're a classy dive bar let's give them some credit um yeah so they're doing the shots and then
she is singing johnny cash or puts johnny cash on the jukebox when their burgers come out she takes the onions off the burger and he's like johnny cash no onions let's run away together like yep and there my notes say more handsiness they get more handsy yeah like it goes from six to midnight real fast with the level of like physical flirty intimacy chemistry between them um he puts the next song on the jukebox and it's phil collins i can feel it in the air tonight
and he is like apparently it turns into like a weird sexual thing he does double check her age she's 23 so she is legal um i made note of that um but yeah he starts dancing with her to phil collins and kissing her and feeling her up very intimately and then at some point he's like i want to hear you scream and she goes i want you to make me scream like i'm like what and then my notes say um she asked to go back to the momo but the room isn't ready yet and the direct
quote is i've never had sex in a bathroom before well and this is such a classy establishment they go to the bathroom to bone and there's a sign on the door that says no [ __ ] here seriously yep and they're like we cannot wait until the room is clean so we need to destroy this bathroom yeah it seems like a loose suggestion so my notes say i've never been i've never had sex in a bathroom before they [ __ ] in the bathroom and it's a lot um mine say they bone and then the quote
i'm gonna [ __ ] you like you've never been [ __ ] before little girl and then they get caught by the manager who's like seriously guys we said no [ __ ] and like with each can't you read like they break the sink it's spraying water everywhere there's soap all over the floor there's paper towel like destroyed this bathroom and for some reason i i have they [ __ ] up the auto paper towel dispenser and he [ __ ] her on the sinks xl condom honestly i didn't even make note of the
condom they made a big deal about it they did they made a huge deal about it i'm not disputing they made a huge deal about it i think i got too caught up on the i'm gonna [ __ ] you like you've never been [ __ ] before little girl we discussed in the very first episode of this podcast that we ever recorded that generally speaking when a man makes promises like that prepare to be disappointed although seemingly in this book she's not i don't know because it's not real [Laughter]
they destroy the bathroom they like throw cash at the manager and they're like this is for the burgers and the damage in the bathroom and then they go back to the motel and jump in the pool while they wait for their room yeah so she pushes him in the pool she says i'll race you and then she pushes him in fully clothed and then jumps in after him and then he starts fingering her um in the pool and then she notices a bullet wound on his stomach area and she's like what what is this
he's like i'm bad news bears baby well i'm not like now's when we're gonna start asking questions yeah now after we already banged in the bathroom and destroyed it um the next morning they have more sex honestly i think i for forgot the condom part of the the bathroom bar sex because in the next morning they've they've already decided to ditch condoms because she's on birth control but she's really flighty and it sounds like her birth control is all just kind of
rattling around loose in the bottom of her purse yeah she just grabs one when she remembers so this is not the way to make birth control the most effective it is the way to make it the least effective yeah i'm like just popping one every couple of days is not how birth control works and considering he like makes a lot of comments while he's kind of like casing her about like how flighty she is i'm like we didn't we just trusted her on that they how would you rate their judgment in
impulse control very poor yes very poor if i was doing a mental status exam that is indeed the rating i would give them so they ditched condoms in the morning he says he was in prison last month and he got tested so he knows that he's clean and she's like okay honestly even if even if he told her he wasn't clean i don't know if it would have made a difference yeah i mean she was a pretty thirsty little little lady there like yeah the insight is uh laughing across the board so they ditch
the condoms in the morning and then they go to subway for lunch and i do think it's really funny because it's like this e coli meat scandal which she like she hasn't told him who she is or what it's related to yet but like they go to subway and she's like they go to order and she's like so like who's your meat supplier and they're like we have no [ __ ] clue i'm 16 working at subway minimum wage right and she's like go check right now yeah she's like i'm gonna have the veggie sandwich and like
she like tries to get vince to get a veggie sandwich as well and instead he's like i'm gonna get extra meat on my sandwich um so they figure out the meat is safe it's from a different distributor vince has no idea what the [ __ ] she's going on about and thinks she's just spoiled and weird um and so when both can be true yes both can be true um and then um he like leans across the table to kiss her while they're eating their sandwiches and like spills her soda all over her yep
so she goes to clean up and then when she gets back out of the bathroom he is gone after taking her bag and her car yeah she comes out still covered in dr pepper which honestly that just makes it worse like he stole your car and you're sticky yeah and she is specific about being sticky like and soda sticky is just like a gross kind of sticky yeah um for all of the ways in which they get sticky in this book that is that is her least favorite it's also my least favorite soda sticky is it
i really hate sodas soda sticky fair enough fair enough right here none of them are great hannah i'm not like well i would really prefer this option that's fair yeah so she's like soda sticky covered in dr pepper he's gone her purse is gone her car is gone um he did leave her a hundred dollars in her phone yes which like so then we cut to vince he's driving in her stolen car and like actually like feels pretty guilty and he's like yeah so like i left her a hundred dollars under like the soda cup
that i like let's spill all over her and i left her her phone i'm not a complete [ __ ] like does feel guilty and he's never done that before and he's like obviously i'm going soft because i loved her it means to get home because i felt so bad about leaving her stranded um and he feels kind of bummed because he was really into her starts going through her bag figures out her name um and also sees that she's extremely messy and not great with taking her birth control because he finds the pack
and it's like random pills popped out all over the place and he's like jesus christ well and like he's clearly better at being on the run than she is because like so he stole her car one of the first things he does is change out her license plate with another random car and he removes the yale parking decal that she has from her college days and it's just like i'm gonna make this car a little less noticeable and then in the like when he's going through her car i
guess in like the the spare tire holder in the trunk is that why you call that space yeah um well i don't know but yes i initially wanted to say wheel well but that's not the right word i don't know in the trunk when you lift the carpet there's a spot that you can put a spare tire or you can put the twenty thousand dollars that you stole from your parents safe exactly so he finds it and he's like hot damn jackpot um and then he also gets a call from um the russians that he owes ten thousand
dollars and um they said they need five more jobs from him because he was their wheel man in their getaways for robbing banks and there were some threats and stuff but he's like huh you'll never find me k bye thanks and moves on yeah that's that's about where we leave him yeah and then we go back to lucy who because lucy is super flighty she has like a gps tracker in her car because she loses it on a semi-regular basis yeah my notes say lucy is big mad that's what the note says
um uses find my car app decides to hitchhike yep like realizes her car is headed south to georgia decides to follow him starts hitchhiking um well starts trying to hitchhike the first person who pulls over the first car that pulls over has nazis and yeah they have like swastika tattoos and prison tattoos on their face and she is terrified so she turns down their offer of a ride and so they're like they start driving off but then they they stop and then like one gets out of the car
and she's like [ __ ] [ __ ] oh no this is not good but instead they were they were nice nazis i did not like that term um but they like give her a hunting knife so she can protect herself and they're like hey like be careful out there and they give her a knife before they drive off yeah they're like stay safe bye um so then um she winds up eventually getting picked up by a very nice man who is driving to atlanta um to visit his kids he's some kind of security guard small security
lady in a mall security vehicle driving to atlanta so then she steals um his handcuffs um so that she can be ready for vince when she finds him which all right the next details maybe you uh um they were a little hazy for me because essentially they're like driving down and she had her phone died at this point um but then she like looks over and just like sees her car parked outside of a motel yeah i'm like well isn't that lucky for you very convenient yep so she goes in like to the motel
the mall security guy drops her off and she's stolen his handcuffs um sees that he's checked in under the name michael c escher m.c escher for you art aficionados out there and he
m.c escher is staying in room 22. yes so then she goes and knocks on the door pretending to be management and when he opens she cuffs one of his wrists and then he starts just laughing hysterically and handcuffs her to him when she like walks in and like gets one cuff on him and he's like what are you doing and she's like citizens arrested she starts like reading him his rights from law and order or something and he is like this is hilarious yeah so he cuffs her to him also like
i would just like to note she hitchhiked covered in soda sticky into like from tennessee to georgia that is a hot gross like she's not looking her best her feet are like dirty and blistered and yeah she's not younger yes bug bites but ins almost instantaneously he cuffs her to him and then starts like apologizing and flirting with her and like making out yeah he's like let me clean you up and wash your feet um i'm so sorry and my notes say she's still big mad well she's big mad
for not very long not long i don't think so i actually wouldn't say she's big mad i'd say she's very little mad at this point yeah it decreases very quickly like they start making out he takes bobby pins out of her hair to pinch her nipples yep she thinks that he's gonna pick the lock on the handcuffs and instead he uses them as nipple clamps i would like to note they met yesterday they did they met yesterday what a journey they've already been on they really have together they really
have so her her nips are pinched with the bobby pins and then mid bone as that has escalated there's a knock on the door and he is like oh [ __ ] i need to hide her in the bathroom from whoever could be coming to knock on this door yes and before that she did all of a sudden say tell me tell me a dream of yours tell me a dream that you have and he's like i dream of being an artist and she's like oh but he is like very touched that she's not making fun of him or like minimizing
his dream and so he's like maybe this girl is like maybe there's something more here and then there's the knock on the door is that when like he's like don't joke about that like is that when that happens i don't remember i don't know there's so much it's just like everything goes from six to midnight so quickly and it all escalates it does yeah so like but they start talking about their dreams a little bit more in all of this rapid escalation um but then the knock on the door he hides her
in the bathroom it's the russians literally i put it's the russian with an exclamation point um and so lucy's overhearing this entire conversation about vince owing the russians money um vince straight up like breaks the russian's hand in this argument that is going on um and like lucy overhears all of it and gets like super freaked out yeah the russian like puts a knife to vince's throat um and is looking for a woman in the room he says that he smells sex and
vince is basically like it's probably your upper lip and and the russian is like i bet there's a [ __ ] in here but vince like protects her and kind of gets the russian out before he finds her but like she's so freaked out that then she's like all right i'm out i'm gonna leave and then very quickly because i would like to note just a couple hours ago he stole her car from her and now he is begging her to stay yep um and then he doesn't want her to be afraid of her or to be afraid of him and
so he's like okay fine like just go and then uh and she takes her car back my note says single tear from him so apparently he had one single tier um because after this this 36 hours of of bangapalooza he was really bummed about losing her banga palooza is a really apt description of what's happening here um so lucy starts driving away is like very sad is like trying to reconcile all of this because she was like really enjoying what was going on between them before
um she overheard him break someone's hand and found out he was still affiliated with the russian mob and all that stuff but then as she's driving and ruminating on all of this she a migraine kicks in yeah and she like a medical level like has like medication for it she pulls over and ends up calling her best friend naomi who as an aside um when this book came out confessed there was a book that came out a month before called professed about naomi um her best friend yep um
personally i like confessed better but i also read it first so i think i went into it with the expectations of confess and i think if i read them in reverse order i might have liked professed more but it just didn't it didn't grab me the same way that this one did like this one is like ridiculous and over the top but i felt like it grabbed me a lot more yeah professed was enjoyable but confessed just had a different level like they're both enjoyable but i think
confessed is more memorable yes i would agree i feel like i've read books more similarly yes it's far more unique i think i've read books similar to professed and i don't think i've read as many books that i would say are like similar to i don't think i've read any books that are similar to confessed i would agree um so she does she calls her bestie she's like honey please come home and she's like no but she does tell her best friend naomi all about vince um and stops at a diner to eat and asks
naomi to eat with her so she's on the phone with her while she yeah so she doesn't have to be alone um but then lucy's dad calls her and lucy picks up her dad's phone call which have the text started at this point i do think the texts are like yeah funny because the text like it'll show text that lucy gets from like her mom that are like honey did you run away again and then her dad's texts are just like don't eat the pastrami and then like the next texas is like don't eat the roast
beef and just like but then her mom's like you did run away again come home are you okay sweetheart where are you and then her dad is like don't speak to the press don't take any calls from msnbc or cnn like well and so when her dad calls her he essentially tells you that like legally lucy is involved in the embezzlement scandal and the e coli scandal because she's set to inherit the family business yeah he says that they need to get their story straight and the sec is going to
be calling and she's like i don't give a [ __ ] i have nothing to do with this and hangs up mm-hmm um switch back to vince he's very sad about losing lucy he's big sad is that what we're going with consistently this whole time it's in my notes i don't know i don't know what was wrong with me when i was outlining this i don't think i was even intoxicated so i don't have it i don't have an excuse well vince is intoxicated because he goes to a bar to get completely hammered um
because he's so sad about lucy and then while he's at the bar on television he sees on the news the birchette meat scandal um and then a dude like and there's pictures of lucy with her family because it's like a family scandal at this point and like a dude in the bar starts like objectifying lucy like making like really like very gross yes gross unnecessary comments that like vince is not a fan of so vince is like i'm gonna defend her honor in another cd bar he's like shut up
shut up shut up and the guy just keeps talking so he punches him in the face yes um but at this point lucy has now decided she misses vince cause those 36 hours really left an impression on her and so she decides to go back four events and on her way back to the motel she notices um a bar fight happening like a parking lot actually a fight happening in the bar parking lot yeah is it a bar fight if it's in the parking lot it started in the bar so i would say yeah
okay i started as long as it starts in the bar yeah if it starts in the parking lot it's just a normal fight yes um so she sees vince getting arrested in the bar parking lot um and she's like i'm following that cop car and follows all the way to the station but then like barges in well so it doesn't we don't get there yet so then we flash to vince so she's following the cop car and vince is in a cell with an old guy um and the old guy is like you're in love aren't you what's her name and he's
like mind your own business and he's like your face looks like [ __ ] and um the cop is really nice to vince and gives him some frozen corn and aspirin for his face well he also does because where wherever they had initially started out at some point like vince says something and lucy's like you can be polite you can say please so when vince is talking to the officer and he's like he says please and the officer's like people are never that polite i'm gonna give him some frozen
peace for his face exactly and then he was just really really sad that he who he lost her and then he hears her voice because she does barge in to the jail um and um she's really concerned that he's hurt she says she's gonna pay his bail but they won't yeah she's like release him right now and they're like ma'am he's in the drunk tank he cannot leave until the morning and um he tells her to go back to them uh to get the motel key from his things um to get his stuff out of the motel but
not to stay there um and that she needs a weapon and she says that she has a plan and not to worry spoiler alert she doesn't have a she is her plans are never well founded um but yeah she is like okay i'm gonna do all that then i'll come back and i'll post your bail in the morning she goes to buy a weapon but like she goes to like a real shop and then is like give it to me cash under the table and they're like we are not that kind of establishment ma'am we cannot do that
um and then he's like but you could buy this but we don't know what it is yet um yes we and she was like it's not what i had in mind but i guess it'll do right okay so then she goes back to the motel um to get his stuff she finds his sketchbook that has a drawing of her in it and she's like oh my stars like he really loves me and seemingly he is a decent artist yes she's very impressed with his level of skill uh but then um the russian shows up which puts a damper on her little moment
of intruding on his privacy um and so she pepper sprays him and crushes his fingers and then pays off the debt with the 20 grand in cash she gives half essentially to the russian um and tells him that she will dig out his eyeballs if he comes for vince again and then she goes to the lakinta for the night that's what my notes say so one time when i was working crisis back in nashville um i went on a crisis assessment at the airport and i got to say airport assessments were always the [ __ ] best
you never knew it was going to happen one time it was not my assessment but one of my favorite crisis stories um it was um a double assessment and the couple got engaged during the crisis mine was memorable in a different way it was this woman she she wouldn't speak and she would like barely write and we're like trying to figure it out and we're like do you speak english and she was like nodding her head yes um but she like wouldn't communicate with us um and she tried to give me
fifty dollars cash in her liking to in like vip card and i was like man you can't bribe me and if you could what are you bribing that was an assessment i to this day i still have more questions than answers about how it all played out but whenever i think of the looking to end i just think of this woman trying to hand me fifty dollars and her looking to nvip card i love um although there are worse places you could stay so for the record hey there smud puppies
we'll get you right back to the show in just a moment but first do you like us maybe even love us cause we sure love you and if you do love us don't tease us tell us in those ratings and reviews wherever you're listening right now maybe even send us over to a special sexy someone that would enjoy getting smutty with us because you know the first rule of smug club is to talk about smut club all right i won't keep you any longer let's get back to the show [Music] so to to go back lucy
beats up the mobster yep um maces him pepper sprays him gives him 10 grand cash to pay off vince's debts and then goes to stay at the la quinta inn yeah um the next morning vince gets out of jail yep and my notes say vince is big happy to see you oh my god hannah what the [ __ ] oh no i don't have an explanation i don't have an explanation and i fee i don't know that's better or worse i'll just stop telling you i'll just stop telling you honestly that's not the best at this point i just
need to know how many times it presents itself like so far it's for we'll see what happens so then they make out in her car and they start to get frisky in the jail parking lot but then he hits the radio and it switches to the news yeah they like accidentally bump into the radio when they start going at it in the car and well then on the news we find out that there is a warrant out for lucy's arrest due to the laundered money in the embezzlement e coli or chat meet
scandal um which then lucy is realizing like oh my trust fund that my parents set up for me not legit not legit [ __ ] um but vince knowing how to be on the run far more than lucy does he's like all right we're gonna throw away your phone like these are the things we're gonna do like starts kind of like putting together a plan of action yes but lucy is freaking out pretty badly so she uh makes a call through her car yeah he like takes her phone from her and she's like [ __ ] i can still call
from a steering wheel joke's on you so she calls her dad but her dad's cpa answers and he says that her dad's under a gag order and that she did in fact embezzle this money through her trust fund even if she didn't know it um and uh that she is guilty and that she should run yeah she's like what should i do and he's like you should run like hell yeah and vince is like you can turn yourself in or you can run what would you like to do and she's like i'll run if you'll come
and this is a really sweet moment big sweet where they decided to run away together i hated that sentence i loved it big sweet big sweet they decided to run away together um they have like eight grand left in cash after the bail and paying off the the mob and all that and so they're like kind of getting their game plan together they have the eight grand left and vince realizes how much money he's gone and he's like what the [ __ ] happened to the risk the money that you had yesterday
and lucy tells him that she used it to pay off his debt to the russian mob which once again big sweet um no one's ever done anything like that for vince before yes and um through all of this as they're having this conversation they pull off into the woods and get rid of anything identifiable from either of them so their ids um she gives up her necklace that her peanut necklace her peanut necklace that represents her horse and he photos her phone everything um
bury it in the forest yep gets buried in the forest and then um he she takes him out to the woods and they [ __ ] on the forest floor is what my notes say yeah mine say they buried all in forest they [ __ ] in the forest vince tells her he wants her filled with his seat yeah my notes say he tells her another dream is to knock her up and that she's his forever feels a little soon to be honest is what my notes say because it's been less than two days uh correct um yeah
maybe that works for some people sure i don't know that that's a real quick turnaround um i have some concerns but also do your thing like i think of um i think it was like a ziz ansari stand up where he talks about like people like his friends getting married have been dating a year and a half and he's like i have sweaters in my closet that have been there a year and a half he's like and i look at it i'm like i don't even [ __ ] like this sweater and that's what i think of when it's like
yeah so it's been like 48 hours at this point yeah yeah um and he is just enthralled by her so he's watching her while she sleeps um and thinking about how into her he is um he decides they need to stop at a drugstore so they can fix lucy's look um because she's on the run and her picture's all over the news and it's like very like connecticut bougie like long long blonde hair j crew yes fairy j crew um and she's like it took me years to get my hair this color like
um this is once again one of those i'm like hey lucy my girl i don't think you understand the severity of the situation yeah priorities babe priorities but my hair and he's like do you essentially like do you want to go to jail or do you want to be blonde these are your options yeah so um she agrees to darkening up her look um and then lucy is freaking out about her hair um and then he uh also is like and also we're gonna cut it and she's like excuse me because apparently she has several youtube
videos of her braiding her hair and that's like her thing and she loves her long hair and she's super depressed that he's gonna cut it but then she's like fine you can cut two inches and he cuts all the way up to her chin like he goes from astogen and she's like that's way more than two inches and he's like it was always gonna be more than two inches that was never never how this was gonna play out and then he dyes it for her he's very thorough um and uh he's very careful he says he
used to do it for his mom before she died and she's like oh big sweet that's not in my nose we're doing it now um so then they shower together um and then she tells him about her dream of owning a horse ranch and lucy decides um and he's like really no okay which like we don't like fully understand right why right um but yeah as like tells him her dream of having a horse farm he's like oh like we are like pretty much everything she says he's like we're kindred and you're like
sometimes it makes sense to you why he says it sometimes it doesn't and it's a mystery for the future yes and this is one of those where it's a mystery for the future however lucy does decide that she wants to do a grand reveal of her darker look like has like rock girl makeup now like like grungy darker clothes boots that sort of thing maybe black nail polish i don't remember if that's something i think there is black nail polish yeah yes um so then she says trust me
and um i want to choke you out while i ride you and so she does that and he has my notes say he has a massive orgasm i have new rocker lucy takes control chokes vince some breath play calls him daddy yep um and then i my notes say vince decides to take the power back and flips her over so after he comes he's like that was great you didn't come though and that's unacceptable to me i just like i know we say ever we've said it several times everything this book
escalates very quickly everything goes from six to midnight but like i really feel like the daddy yeah escalated very quickly too much i once said to my husband is that something you would be into and he went could you say it with conviction i was like i think that's our answer i could not say it with a straight i asked my husband and he just said no [Laughter] yeah you know that's fair yeah i'm like no but i i feel like that's like not all books but i do definitely think
that's something i'm like where the daddy just like comes out of nowhere it's like a daddy sneak attack i heard it yeah no i i hear it no okay so vince takes the control back and he's like you need to come too and so then i have vince takes control back whips her with belt and then the quote turn your little [ __ ] face to daddy yeah yeah i also have that quoted um he says before that he says i'm going to hurt you and if it's too much you have to tell me to stop because safe words are
not for us and she's like say that again and he's like [ __ ] safe words and she's like no the other part and he's like us and she's like yeah yeah well no i'm like i think we're focusing on the wrong part of the sentence lucy right not safe words aren't for us i'm like no safe words are for everyone that should be on a t-shirt or safe words are for everyone and consent matters consent matters safe words are for everyone but yeah like safe words aren't for us say that again us
so then i have he starts whipping her and she calls him daddy while he calls her [ __ ] um and he checks on her several times like that is he does that he's like are you good and then um but he's just whipping her this whole time he's not actually [ __ ] her and then finally after he has just like whipped the snot out of her with his belt um he does uh [ __ ] her with his thumb in her ass is what my notes say and then she comes really really hard and cries a lot
so i have a few more notes in this scene oh no no and then um oh no well so she's like have you ever done anything like this before and he's like once and like she's like gets a little jealous and then we find out he's like it was to a horse not a [ __ ] a horse like and he might the quote i have is once to break her like he broke a horse yeah and like really this entire like all of it it's very codependent vibes you're like what is happening here this is not
oh okay that what is happening here and then um and then i just have the quote was that [ __ ] up no way it's ours and i'm like those aren't mutually exclusive i was gonna say it can be both right i'm like it can be it can be both it was because like for as much like insta insta-lust chemistry rowdy raunchy sex as had already happened in this book to go into like some breath play and whipping and no safe words and daddy and little [ __ ] face like a little [ __ ] face
that doesn't work that's the difference i know but in the book when it said that i was like like i had a physical response to that i literally text hannah when i was outlining this book and i was like this whipping daddy scene goes on for so long it does and then it ends with him feeding her pizza that's in my notes he feeds her veggie pizza yeah it's there's no it's not meat lovers it is not you don't know what the meat supplier is so what is a veggie pizza um he feeds her pizza
he then tells her he has a place that they can go in new mexico and so they start like loosely heading to new mexico and then i kind of like my description is like it's kind of a montage of their carefree road trip they're taking a very scenic route to get to new mexico because it like they talk about like being in arkansas then being in the panhandle i was thinking the same thing i was like what the [ __ ] are y'all doing like we are not going as the crow flies why are we going i was like you
went due south of arkansas um my notes say road tripping good times listen to old cds and she reads fear and loathing in las vegas yeah that's that's a great montage of it um oh they do they get pulled over for yeah so in this montage they get pulled over for expired tags because the plates that have been stolen were expired which i'm like bro you're supposed to be like this brilliant criminal mastermind and you stole expired plates amateur hour well and then
they like they play it off really well and they like have like pretend to have this like lover spat about it but then the officer who pulled him over he's like oh yeah well there is like an apb out on this make and model because it belongs to that like lunch meat princess right um so be careful out there basically um so then they get to a small town in new mexico and um my notes say turns out vinnie boy has a ranch his father left him and he wants to help lucy live out her dream of
owning a horse ranch well it already has horses it does have horses already they're wild horses yes his dad left him land that has wild horses um my notes get to new mexico vince tells her his dad left him land with horses they bone i think who knows at this point [Laughter] that was a very exaggerated eye roll you did there as well it's how i felt yeah and vince tells her that he's falling for her um and then eats her out in the kitchen is what my notes say
um and then um they go to the store so vince does that will they uncover the motorcycle they get the motorcycle and then vince um decides he wants to cook her dinner so they go to the store because the like the house has been left for him but like his dad passed away right well there's a note that says there's a caretaker who lives on the land okay but are they stocking the fridge like there's the difference between like caring for the land right so i'm just
like right so it does feel like they're just like we showed up and we're here for it now and like it is what dusty and there's no food in here so yes like but the way in which like it is kind of sweet and endearing because they're like this is our little slice of heaven and like our magic and like reading it and you're like is it it is very dusty it is my thought it is big dusty not big dusty not to be confused with big daddy oh no that's not right that's not sorry
yeah so then in the garage there's a truck yep and there is a motorcycle yes so they take the motorcycle into town vince buys her a little horseshoe necklace to replace the peanut that she had to get rid of um and they're just loving the little small town um and they're checking out they have some really sweet interactions with some of the locals and then they forget something and so then lucy goes to grab apples i think and then all of a sudden vince hears tires
screeching and lucy is gone her purse is next to the bananas important detail i don't know if that's actually accurate but it was produce it was produce um yeah so they're getting their groceries and then suddenly lucy's gone um cut to lucy she's been taken by a private investigator mitch who um was hired by her father yep um she notices like he has like a connecticut phone number and so he's now like all right i've handcuffed you to my car and we're road tripping from
new mexico to connecticut and my only thought was well i hope it's a more [ __ ] direct route than the one they took to get to new mexico because that's gonna take a long-ass time yep and she keeps trying to get him to pull over and he won't but then finally he does because he's out of gas um and so he goes inside and she tries to pop her cuffs with a bobby pin but she can't figure it out well that's because vince never showed her he was too busy using the bobby pins for nipple clamps right
priorities so then um she's like vince isn't coming at this point they've been driving for more than an hour she's like vince isn't coming i'm super [ __ ] like i have to get out of this myself but then vince does show up on the motorcycle and gets her out of the car and they take off he picks the lock on the handcuffs he does with the bobby pin yes um and yeah then shows up like kicks the lock really fast and then they zoom away yeah on on his motorcycle he does slash the tires of um
the private investigator and then they go back to the ranch and to switch out the motorcycle for the truck and um he's like we gotta go we gotta go we need to go get passports and we need to go get new ids yep and she says no no you stay um she feels really bad that he's giving up this gorgeous land and you know a potential home and all of us these other things for her um and vince is like what the [ __ ] did you just say [ __ ] that it's you and me for life and i'm like
sweetheart it's been like a cool five days surely it took longer than that with the scenic route they took to get to new mexico okay so a week thank you more accurate because cause that two days is where the magic happened that's where the daddy whipping scene happens yeah um so they go they go to get the passports they have to get to albuquerque oh i forgot my notes say she tells him to stay she feels bad he's giving up so much he politely declines it was not polite he was like the [ __ ]
get out of my [ __ ] face i honestly didn't even note that my next note after they switched cars leave to go get passports roadhead from albuquerque oh they're driving to albuquerque to get the passports and my notes say lucy gives epic road head they pay for passports to a man named the taylor yep um he has an actual like tailoring business and like they're ordering everything all like the new identities in code and like okay so you need new buttons but like
lucy's really excited and has like no chill about any other thing at all like even when they get the idea she's like oh look how good my new id looks and vince is like shut the [ __ ] up um yeah so oh no to be fair yeah they don't have the ideas yet i was jumping ahead of myself they go they get the pictures they order it they yeah they get a room and then the kid at the front desk tells vince he's like hey so i just want to let you know like something's wrong with the tv um
and vince is like thinking have you seen lucy i'm not worried about watching tv right now and then the dude's like no um the adult channels are are free like oh no it's stuck on them it will only play them but a variety of them that's the part that lost me none of it makes sense but that's what it says yeah tv is broken porn is free is yeah mine says cable in the room is busted and only shows porn vince doesn't tell lucy also reminds me of an episode of friends
of course it does the one with all the porn i think was the name of it where they like they stumble on a channel that has free porn so then the guys are like well what if we turn the tv off and when we turn it back on the porn is gone so we can't turn the tv off so they just like have the porn going how it works yeah and so but then like they're like it starts to seep into their daily lives like the weirdest thing happened um we had a female pizza delivery lady
and she didn't take her clothes off when she ordered the pizza or when she delivered the pizza and it's like this whole thing yes so lucy is in the bathroom here's the tv turn on um and then like comes out to join vince and essentially vince like puts lucy on his lap and mine says he puts her on his dick sitting behind her while watching bondage i thought it was fingering her maybe both well but it so like he puts her in front of him and then it's like fingering her
and then is like flipping through the channels to figure out what porn she's most into right and so then when it gets to the one that has all of the bondage she's like oh you damn near squirted like right you are all about this you are flooded wet right now so then he demands that she come without any any clip play for those who may have listened to that previous review um no clitoral stimulation is happening here um and she does and she screams out that she loves him while she's having this
super intense orgasm and he does not reciprocate like he feels very strongly for her yes but does not reciprocate in that capacity yes um so that scene goes on for a long time as well they go to get their new ids the next day where lucy has no chill none whatsoever and it's like oh i'm elena colburn now how great is this i'm so cute look at my picture um my description says they get their new ids go to el paso more [ __ ] vince then declares his love and decides
to cook her dinner yeah my notes say they go to el paso and get an airbnb they make sweet sweet love and he tells her he loves her and says he's excited to meet their children which again that escalated real quick real quick and like to to give vince a little credit like he's what like mid 30s 35 34 yeah he's definitely older than lucy like 12 or 13 years i think he's ready to take some bigger steps what do you think but it is seven days i want to vet a person a little bit more before you
decide to have children with them what else does he need to know about her she loves johnny cash and doesn't eat onions and is into pretty much anything sexual like she is down to clown with anything she is he he wants to do yeah um i then have the quote i used to be dangerous now i'm just yours like codependent bonnie and clyde vibes so painful so vince decides to cook lucy dinner um goes to the store he starts to cook she is in like just an apron trying to seduce him a little and he's
like babe i'm gonna burn your food go like get out of here so she turns on the tv she sees a story on the news that her dad was arrested for dui with a hooker in the car and um released a statement that she had nothing to do with the embezzlement and asks her to please come home yeah like there's like a full press conference after he was arrested where he like takes all of the blame and is like my daughter had nothing to do with any of the embezzlement she had no idea what
was going on clears her of all all blame and begs lucy to come home so then vince is still cooking just want to note that lucy calls her mom then yeah and mom is begging her to come home and like mom is not doing well she's not okay if you remember from like early on i know there hasn't been a lot of mention of mom thus far um but like mom has some substance abuse issues that are a lot of like self-medicating kind of from all of the [ __ ] that's going on in their life um
so mom asks her to come home and then lucy asks vince to come back to connecticut with her and he says no um realizing that he is just not any good for her at all um and that he will ruin her life um so he needs to push her away so he calls it off he tells her to go home and then he pulls her actual like lucy burchette id out um and her peanut necklace and he did not bury them in the forest and she's like i thought you buried these and he's like i'm a thief like i like i'm a con i'm an artisan
[Laughter]
so um lucy is in shock and he's like you meant nothing to me you were just another mark go back to your life like get the [ __ ] out and then leaves her in the hotel room or in the airbnb and and is gone she like lucy calls her mom again and then while she's on the phone with her mom her mom overdoses yes and like lucy like like mom passes out lucy like calls 9-1-1 like is like i need you to connect me to the local 9-1-1 in connecticut this is the address this is the garage
code my mom like you need to go get her asap yep so she's been waiting at this point for hours for vince to come back and he hasn't so she writes a note um with her contact information and she leaves because she needs to get to her mom who is now um on a 72-hour psychiatric hold um after they pumped her stomach um well like it hasn't quite cut back to vince yet in the book but we do learn that like she's been waiting this whole time but vince was actually like
hiding across the street from the airbnb waiting for lucy to leave and was like waiting to see her actually take off before he would actually return right so lucy gets back to connecticut um and her mom is admitted to the hospital she cannot see her mom because as we said she's on a cycle um and it doesn't sound like it was necessarily an intentional overdose but it was still a very serious overdose and they're like has she been under any stress lately and they're like
uh yeah she's been under a ton of stress lately lucy then also like calls her best friend naomi again to kind of like fill her in and tell her everything that's been going on and naomi comes to sit with her and is like i'll be right there don't panic you know whatever um so then back to vince he's been waiting this whole time for lucy to leave and then he makes a snap decision to go back east he was planning to go to um mexico but he makes this snap decision that he's gonna go back east
um and then he he gets to new jersey it sounds like and approaches the police officer who has been investigating him this whole time um and he says that um then says that he will give him the russian in exchange for immunity for himself and this is like one like hasn't officially been said but he's just like suddenly like i'm gonna go back east and we're like but not to get lucy back like but okay but like back up north east where lucy also is and like but he goes to the
the police station and the detective's not there so then they're like he like goes to the diner that the officer hangs the detective hangs out obviously at the denny's well and then when he's like i'll give you what was it like gregory grigorovich or something like a ridiculous russian mob name no offense if your name is gregory grigorovich it's a safe place for you as well um but they like he pulls out the the knife that had been used um at the motel very early on in the book that is has um the
fingerprints for gregorovich yep and he's like here's your evidence i'll testify i want immunity um and then it cuts back to lucy um her mom is out of the hospital and she's recovering no more booze so lucy is like dumping stuff in the sink and clearing the house um and lucy is really really sad that vince isn't there but she is trying to focus on supporting her mom um and she so she's clear like has poured all of the alcohol down the sink and is taking out the garbage with all
of the empty liquor bottles and lo and behold who's standing in her driveway it spins what i didn't see that coming oh my stars big surprise yes but it's not so vince is there with flowers for her mom and for lucy which is sweet which is very sweet and he introduces himself um to her mom and tells the whole story and lucy i remember had a whole scenario ready for how he was like an iraq war veteran and that's why he had all of these tattoos and scars and [ __ ] and
and vince was like hey i'm vince i got out of prison about six weeks ago well and like her mom is like you're honest i was i was married to a man who wasn't so good for you loose is kind of like yeah mom is like very accepting very quickly of all of this which like lucy's excited about she introduces him to her mom she introduces him to peanut the horse which is also very fun um and then they they bone on a hill mine says he meets peanut the horse and they [ __ ] in a field
yeah i think i think we wrote the same thing he did basically introduces him to mom and horse bone on a hill like he meets peanut they [ __ ] honestly let's go with yours because you know i'm a [ __ ] for alliteration i know that you are and that's why i brought it up at all so they [ __ ] a field big love but that's that's also the end i mean there is an epilogue that we will cover but like that's where it ends they [ __ ] feel look field [ __ ] the epilogue is two months in the future
they are back out in new mexico um and lucy's mom and peanut have also joined them um her mom is apparently a low-key badass and like takes vince's motorcycle for a ride yep and just like takes off on the motorcycle and then as we mentioned before lucy's very flighty and not great with the birth controls yep and so she's looking real worried and says that she needs to talk to him and he's kind of freaking out and she's kind of freaking out and uh my notes say
uh tells him she's prego he's big happy and asks her to marry him i just have lucy's pregs vince proposes um well like i remember in the book she's panicking clearly that he's not gonna be okay but he like falls to his knees and like puts his face in her belly and is like crying and he's been saying he wanted his seed in her since day two i'm just quoting the book hannah seed stop it johnny appleseed johnny cash um how many times how much weird association can we make probably a lot
you know we could keep going but we won't put you through that um yeah so that's the end lucy's knocked up and vince is very excited and proposes yep um and they all live happily ever after in new mexico on the ranch with the horses and her mom and the baby eventually hopefully yeah we it doesn't go there in the book it doesn't i'm making an assumption we are it's an optimistic assumption here for it um okay so now that we're here what's our rating scale artisanal sourdough loves uh beef salami
um how many peanuts oh yeah peanuts i was gonna say subway sandwiches but there was all that [ __ ] with jared and yeah we'll leave that no one no one needs to bring his meat into this we don't need to discuss a foot long at this point oh that's mighty generous or a six inch so peanuts peanuts let's do peanuts so peanuts are pretty small are they shelled that feels important here well now all i can think about is boiled peanuts like the time you ran your car off the
road trying to get boiled i was gonna maybe tell that story but then i was like maybe i won't but thank you for bringing it up yes i did once drive my car into a ditch because i was so excited about a boiled peanut stand that i didn't see the ditch and so i drove my car into it and then some very nice nice locals who didn't have as many teeth as i would have expected had to pull me out of the ditch and then the stand was cash only but the guy felt so bad for me because i
guess i looked like i was gonna cry that he gave me peanuts for free but i did go back and pay him later oh that was nice was it well how are the peanuts they were cajun and delicious but the point is i drove my car into a ditch that had a little sign on it next to it that said beware of snakes that's where i drove my car that's where i that's where i drove my car i don't think i was i knew about the snake aspect of it yeah and there was a group of about 10 to 12
individuals on horseback waiting to go on a trail ride behind me watching the whole thing as i drove my car into this ditch with the ass and straight in the air and then tried to get out and my rear wheels just spun like nothing um not quite the same but if it makes you feel any better one time i was meeting a friend for lunch and um i was running late and the parallel parking was very tight and it was not my best job and i like went up on the curb a little bit but i was like
i don't really have time to correct this [ __ ] i'm running very late for lunch and before i got out of my car some people were walking down the street saw how bad my parallel parking job was stopped pointed laughed and took pictures of it while i was still sitting in my car that's pretty good yeah so that's pretty good you know we've all been there in our own way um well boiled peanuts weren't part of the story i do think the shells are important because it just dot on me
her necklace would just look like an amoeba if it wasn't a shell it needed a shell yeah um but also i think of like cody's roadhouse and those restaurants that like they just peanut shells yes where you just like just go so hard on peanuts and just throw the shells everywhere so you can eat so many of them um so i don't really have a good 50 100 like 25 what let's let's go with 50 peanuts out of 50 peanuts um i would give it all right let's say our numbers at the same time on 1 2 3 35.
look at us go oh god yes 35 i think 35 is a great number yeah we're just 15 peanuts shy of a bucket yeah it's a cool seventy percent we're passing but by the skin of our teeth that's what this book is you know vince did a lot of stuff by the skin of his teeth and he sure did yeah like it really is it is it essentially just codependent bonnie and clyde abso [ __ ] lutely yeah um is it a really enjoyable ride and just like fun to get there even though there are moments that you're
like oh all the cringe okay big cringe sorry well i was just thinking of the daddy whipping scene so yeah big cringe is appropriate yeah um so 35 out of 50 peanuts yeah um if they were boiled cajun peanuts that scale might shift a little bit but that's that's another metric for another book that is my preferred peanut to be honest you know i get that that makes sense i mean i drove my car into a ditch for those peanuts like that's my preferred peanut by the way my car was fine the locals
pulled it out and they double checked it and they were like i don't know how you did this but there's no damage have a great day and i drove off into the sunset that story feels really true to who you are as a person you know i feel like that might be insulting but i'm gonna choose to take it as a compliment no honestly it i didn't mean it as no no no big insults um i meant it more as like i feel like you frequently find yourself in these like comical situations that just like
always kind of play out okay that you're like oh really okay everything's fine cool sounds good how are you guys yeah um so we're gonna go 35 out of 50 normal shelled peanuts um let us know what you all think what you would rate it what your favorite peanut type is is it the cajun boiled um it should be i'm i feel very strong i feel like hannah will fight you hannah will throw hands i did once have pickled oiled peanuts and they were surprisingly delicious i don't even like
pickles really but they were boiled and instead of cajun seasoning or just salt or whatever they had like pickles pickle brine that they were boiled in basically they were good okay were they better than cajun um they were just different and i've never seen them before or since so i can't say if they're better because i only had them the one time okay well then let's not use that metric okay cajun only thank you unless you have had our great listeners pickled peanuts pickled boiled peanuts
more than once then we would love to hear your thoughts welcome to the south and thank you so much for joining us thank you we love you smut [ __ ] smut puppies whatever names you want to go by today what like all names yeah it's a follow your bliss follow your bliss um unless your bliss falls it follows a similar journey as lucy and vince in some ways and then um maybe call us before you follow your bliss and we can produce that not us just a therapist in
general to be fair i didn't mean that as a therapist i mormon like it'd be a funny story to tell on the podcast i was thinking as a therapist because i was thinking you need therapy oh no don't call me if you're needing therapy no don't i do not want to walk you through that negative ghostwriter all right thanks for listening guys thanks for freaking out i hope you have a great night bye y'all next week on smut club really even funnier side story to me is that one of
the main guys who's like well known in the pepper eating sure he's made a name for himself he has i forget johnny habanero i don't know i'm making [ __ ] up i do not think that's his actual name um my cousin was watching the we're the champions series and she texts me and she's like chelsea oh my gosh i recognize him johnny habanero i'm totally making up his name and i was like what do you mean you recognize him she's like when i was on a plane to your wedding
i was sitting next to him and he was on his way to a pepper eating competition and he had a really spicy pepper and he was making a video of himself and was like do you mind if i film duh and so she's like she found the video and sent it to me and you can see her shoulder because they're like on a small plane and she's leaning out of the shot she was like i think it's the competition that they have on the episode it was filmed amazing right she was like i sat next to him on the way to
your johnny habanero well that's it for this week's mutt [ __ ] we hope it was good for you because it sure was great for us if you're digging what we're doing it would mean a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and review the show wherever you're listening right now maybe tell that sexy someone to let us in here we love you we appreciate you and we'll see you next week stay spotty [Music]