well hello all you beautiful people you know what time it is [Music] ladies and gents guys and dolls and everyone in between gather round get you something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on because it's time for smut club here's your hosts chelsea and anna [Music] hello everyone hi everyone welcome to smut club i'm chelsea i'm hannah and um today we have a just a true treat really treat for who no one so y'all i was debating which books to review and i was talking to chelsea
about it please ignore brandon chelsea's pug who's having a moment um i was debating which books to review and i was talking to chelsea about it and i briefly mentioned this book and she was like i you have to do it so it's happening this book is called scorpions mate by susan trombley and i have a lot of questions for susan i have a lot of concerns for susan so does brandon so well and so we haven't even made it into this review yet but i can just tell you it doesn't matter how you describe the
scorpion or his mate all i can think of is the scorpion king hey dwayne the rock johnson how are you doing um and just like how great he was in his mummy franchise spin-off and so in my head dwayne the rock johnson will be playing the scorpion in this entire book this is not that but i do think that imagining dwayne will be helpful and just a brief shout out dwayne if you're listening hit me up so dwayne we love you my husband and i put you on our family holiday christmas
card last year so like yeah yeah hit us up we'd love we'd love to know what smut you're into these days yeah i mean make a request man we will review it 100 or you can read it with us and we can review it with you that is living the dream but unfortunately that's not what's happening right now today it's just hannah i'm reviewing the scorpions mate yeah i'm gonna need more wine for this yeah the two glasses i've had thus far will not be sufficient so we have claire who is our
female main character she is a oh so like the way she describes herself she is a little bit curvaceous she has dyed her hair black the ends are purple she is giving off a sort of goth energy like in my head it's very like hot topic circa 2004 yes i would i would agree with that um and she is we open with her going on a camping trip with her best friend and her best friend's boyfriend and some dude whose name i don't remember because he's not relevant um who is basically like her blind date
for this camping trip and he very clearly based on her perception um is kind of disappointed but also into it um she is not a girl you take home to mom essentially but he's like i'd be because she's so edgy so edgy but he's so edgy so edgy so emo uh very seen and he's like i do that and she's like yikes like everybody thinks that i'm just like down to clown because of my appearance and i'm not it's like okay honey well what are you putting out in the world that everyone's
perception of you is that you're down to clown like i'm not i i mean dress how you want and like be who you want to be and at the same time like on some level honey like okay whatever anyway so um she goes on this camping trip in the the deserts of arizona her best friend is obsessed with aliens and they're like haha wouldn't it be so funny if we saw ufo spoiler alert she gets abducted on the first night of their stop i love this already yes so she is abducted by aliens on the
first night okay hannah i'm not gonna lie i love joint review days because it's really fun when we both read books and to remember like what stood out to each of us but i also love you review days because i truly never know what's going to happen neither do i yes so she gets abducted she gets abducted overnight on this camping trip and she wakes up in a cell that's like all white walls she's wearing this like hospital gown thing i hate it when that happens she's taken by these weird robots that
have no faces um to this lab where she's getting experimented on basically she's being tortured my notes say lots of probe descriptions so there's a lot of graphic description of what is being done to her that truly is horrifying and also at the same time hilarious because of the context um it's just ridiculous like so yeah all right that snl sketch close encounters where ryan gosling keeps breaking character and kate mckinnon is just like so brilliant we don't deserve her yes um
that's when you are describing probing i'm just imagining kate mckinnon describing herself being probed basically yes yeah okay um and it's painful and it's a lot and she loses time because she's in this cell and she does not know what the [ __ ] is going on and then she is put into this like clear box this i'm i'm imagining like plexiglas but that's not what it is but it's this like box of like clear box in a larger room um and she sees something moving in the
shadows and she's like the [ __ ] is that and i just want to make sure i haven't missed something already because i feel like there's a chance i could have missed something already she's human yes yeah yeah she's completely human she's completely human and she is like oh what the [ __ ] is that moving in the shadows and this thing comes out of the shadows and it is oh i forgot to mention so when she's on this camping trip she sees a scorpion and the guy she's with is like we should
kill it and she's like no scorpions are great you just have to respect them they're beautiful they're very interesting like leave it alone it'll be fine it's not here to hurt you um which is a bit of a spoiler alert because this creature that comes out of the shadows um is very scorpion-esque so it has uh pincers and it has four arms it has this humanoid face it has wings and it is described as looking like a ninja warrior with this like body plate armor i just imagine a scorpion competing on
american ninja warrior yes okay yeah yes so then she is sitting in this box and she's like huddled in the corner watching this thing come towards her and she gets this whiff of something and she's like what is that smell um and it is apparently pheromones because she gets wicked turned on in this interaction but she's also terrified um she's like what the [ __ ] is happening there's lots of descriptions of peaked nipples which is just whatever whatever um like honestly the first time you're
like i get it and i feel like there are some authors that they're like hey we like we get it the nipples are hard please stop describing these nipples as erect like please if there's one request i could make to these authors but please also don't say my nipples could cut glass right because i really that's a weird one it is i don't enjoy it i don't think it's sexual at all no it's like when they say like my dick as hard as granite it's like no it's not like just stop i feel like there are so
many books that describe dicks as like soft velvet covering cold marble yes or like like uh velvet covered steel yes i'm like all of them with with the perfect mushroom head anyway so she's pretty terrified this dude doesn't have a mushroom head because he's a scorpion we don't see his penis in this interaction oh my bad i'm really jumping the gun here you are slow down so the alien is like super fixated on her and tries to break into the box and so it like loses its [ __ ] and is
like beating on the box and she's like oh okay um and then other alien creatures that look sort of like dogs are released into the larger room and the other alien fights them off apparently trying to protect her and then wait how do we know that he's protected we will find out okay so she like she sees him doing this but she doesn't really know why yes this is from her perspective okay and so she is basically hauled out as the scorpion alien is incapacitated by
some kind of like cattle prod kind of situation um and then we switch to the aliens perspective his name is apparently thrax um question i just want to make sure i heard that correctly t h o r a x or t h r a x y i don't know why that's worse i mean thorax is a a a description of a body part but thrax is just a sound that you make when you like stub your toe when you're trying not to say bad words threats exactly it is an exclamation not a name but whatever we're asked to believe a lot in this
book and frankly the name is the least of our concerns at this juncture so thrax is our alien person he knows from the scent that he picks up from the human um that she is his mate he's like that's the one she smells great he calls the uh researchers and the scientists in this apparent research facility soft meats no yes i feel like that's going to be my response to a lot of this it's just going to maybe be me going yeah no no no no no we're not doing that but we are
so thrax is referring to these other ones as soft meets um he basically views everything as either prey or competition for prey everything that he does so he is super ragey that they took his mate from him and he's like where is she what are they doing to her i need her back it really feels like a lot has happened and nothing has happened yes yeah you're correct does she have any idea she's his mate or she just thought he smelled nice too she just thought he smelled nice okay
yeah and she's into it um but also not because she's like what is that because he has four arms and pinchers yes so um my notes say turns out he's a giant scorpion that's been genetically modified so apparently the people who are or the aliens who are running this research facility um are trying to make super soldiers and so they captured him from his home planet and genetically modified him to be more humanoid and to be able to communicate more effectively and
now he walks on two legs and has two arms instead of being like or four arms i mean instead of being like a scorpion um he also has a translator that they implanted into him so that he can communicate both with the scientists and with claire so when he is all ragey that they took his mate from him the lead scientist whose name is ilian is like bro she's scared of you right now so you need to calm down and if you really want to like get at that you're going to need to simmer down and
learn to communicate because up to this point thrax has refused to communicate with the scientists he understands that but he refuses to speak okay yeah because he's real pissed and they're like unless you start communicating your translator is not going to calibrate and your mate is going to continue to be terrified of you so you're going to need to simmer down so i don't remember the segway for this we switch back to claire's uh perspective she is thinking about i guess her past
turns out she is a clothing designer she does like cosplay and special effects type stuff um and does rave dancing my notes have rave dancing with a question mark apparently she has like a channel on youtube where she does like rave club type dancing i just imagine that one video of all of the scene people under the bridge dancing you know what i'm talking about okay i do know what you're talking about but i was also thinking of honestly someone i never even met i
don't even remember who was telling me about them but they just like had someone in their life who was really into like the rave dancing and had the gloves for it yes and like like the light up gloves they could do all like the fun hand things but i just remember that person also like having like a 40 gallon fish tank and being way too into their fish that is claire's energy um yes so that's kind of like that's the mental image i was coming into this with that is claire's energy so um she then
talks to a blue skinned female alien who has elfin ears but otherwise looks human um who tells her about this alien research project that she has been um abducted into yeah she's gonna say recruited but she wasn't she was abducted into um and i am recalling our very first episode when we debated abducted versus kidnapping this is definitely an abduction you know so um again i i just reread this you guys like i just finished it last night and i still can't tell you how we got here but at
some point she gets strapped into a chair and electrocuted i guess because she was being like non-compliant um oh and i forgot she she does not talk to this blue skinned alien in person like face to face she talks to them through the robots that are her only contact like are the robots like her personal assistant i'm i'm confused are they just like her like are her friends robots i don't think they're friends i think they're like i imagine them like those faceless
droid things on that one episode of doctor who and i know that they've had other like iterations in other movies like in that one with will smith whatever the [ __ ] that one was i i robot yes i imagine them like that like they don't really have a face and they're like white whatever um that's essentially how they're described so then um once again she is in one of those clear plexi glass situations in the same chair where she was electrocuted we switch back to thorax's point of view
he sees her through the window he does not understand that he's horny he was like i'm hungry but i don't want to eat i don't understand what is happening right now that's so weird my groin plate feels tight no [Music] yup my groin plate wow also what a incredible poppin of the pee you just did like wow damn you're welcome i've been training my whole life for that so yeah so so he's covered in these armor plates he doesn't wear clothes he has these armor plates all over his body that protect his
innards i don't know his soft bits if you will i mean i don't love the term soft bits either but essentially like they won't be soft for long well his spoilers or sorry and like his his organs is that the word i mean he has like skin essentially underneath yeah he is not humanoid y'all like he is very much like 100 alien so it's very difficult to like picture what is supposed to be happening i'm just picturing a scorpion with the rock's face yes i thought we were all in agreement
here that's the one so he is put into the room he sees her through the glass thing he knows that she's in the like electrocution chair thing no she's gonna be hurt no she's gonna be tortured um one of the um researchers speaks to him like through speakers in the ceiling and is like listen you have this allotted time to destroy mech droids which is what the alien robot things are called mechs he has an allotted time to destroy these mechs or his mate is going to be tortured for his incompetence
okay so wait when she was abducted did they already know it was his mate no so they just like abducted a female and then just like luck would have it well we'll find out later they abducted a lot of females trying to to what end trying to get him to mate with one of them oh so they were all abducted on his behalf yes well that was thoughtful of them it was something so he lips his [ __ ] like flips his ever-loving mind because he does not want her to be injured he does not want her to be hurt
he's super ragey that they would even threaten such a thing and so he he does destroy all of the robots in the allotted time and the scientists are like god damn dude like we did not expect you to be successful we fully expected to be torturing your mate right now and we're super excited that you did that because i guess like he they'd been testing his speed and his agility all of this time and he was pretty good but he would sometimes get bored and essentially like play with
whatever they put they they gave him he would kind of play with it because he was bored but this time he was like no no no no one is hurting my mate and like destroys all of them okay i was just thinking about scorpion mating habits because i thought scorpions like killed and ate their mates like i know like scorpion cannibalism is a thing that's praying mantises no it's not we'll get there don't worry about it like we'll get into it oh no it's present okay
i'm just like sitting there i'm like i'm just like i think i'm really thinking through the logistics of him being a scorpion hybrid person we'll get there okay i'm really jumping the gun i apologize i'm just trying to understand in all fairness you can't understand like you can't you're like you can sit here and hypothesize for hours but you still won't get there you can't okay so we switch back to clear's point of view um claire speaks to ilyan who winds out he is the lead researcher at this
facility and he tells her basically that thrax was um he was abducted from his home planet and genetically modified to be a super soldier because this race of aliens is trying to protect themselves from another race of aliens who's trying to like take over the universe or something and um they need her to breed with this alien scorpion alien to create more super soldiers and she's like the [ __ ] um what she's like no it just really feels like they're very presumptuous on everyone's
willingness to help their cause and he's super gaslighty she's like no i i'm not i don't want to do that and he's like so you would doom an entire race because you're unwilling to let us use your womb and she's like yes she's like well now that you ask absolutely i'm willing to doom an entire race yes she's like when you put it that way uh [ __ ] off oh that's why i'm here no thank you like yes [ __ ] exactly alien is that a name [Music] i mean it is now kind of like wendy became a name in
peter pan yes um alien became yeah like no offense to people i feel like there's one like killian yeah like this is just alien and so he looks just like the blue skinned female researcher that she saw previously but he has green skin and wings um which will be relevant later so um the robot thing she's it like in a two-way mirror situation and she can see thrax while alien is talking to her ilian is not in the same room as her she's never she does not interact with
anyone except for the robots and thrax through this whole thing so she can see thrax through this window he loses his [ __ ] and tries to break the window and so the robots haul her out and then my notes just say she's tortured some more how is she tortured do we know so what do i wanna know so previously she was probed and it was horrible yes the probing and then she was electrocuted in the chair and like other medical tests were run on her that she did not consent to
and then in this instance they took her basically to shower but they like it was described really in a horrifying way where they like ripped off her hospital gown and like put alien gloop on her head i don't know i don't know i mean i'm gonna say the look on your face is saying desperately please don't ask me what alien gloop is like there's some kind of cleanser i don't know i don't like body wash because she was in the shower i guess but it was like all-purpose and so they put it on her hair
and she's like do aliens not know about [ __ ] conditioner jesus so um so then they're like cool you did a great job with your shower so now we have knocked thrax out with like this knockout gas and we are gonna put you in his cell and she's like excuse me and ilian is like i suggest that you get familiar with and become comfortable with his body because you're about to get real used to it so you might as well do it while he's unconscious so that you can feel more what yeah [ __ ] like
i'm not about the lack of consent in this book there's no consent anywhere well actually that's not true like it comes later but like alien does not know the meaning of the word he's like consent i don't know her like poker i hardly know her that is how i heard you saying that exactly um but here's the thing no one is consenting like hey we knocked him out you better familiarize yourself with his body yeah i'm this is some energy i'm not here for i'm not here for any of it but
but we're very deep in this so we're gonna keep going all the way in it so we are gonna keep going so she she's put into this like habitat that is sort of made out to be like a desert and the ceiling is made to look like the night sky and so she's like wandering around and she eventually finds him under this like rock crevice thing and so she goes in and she's like looking at him so he's in a zoo exhibit that they put her in basically and once again his scent makes her super horny to the point
hannah i don't know why you sound shocked by this i mean i don't know if shocked is the word oh god so she is so turned on at this point she does not notice when he wakes up so how how i'm sorry i have you ever been so turned on in your life that you lose awareness of the space around you not to that extent no oh damn i want that story at a later date if my mother-in-law listens to this i don't want to have more explaining too yeah i don't that might not be an on-air story
or it'll be an extra episode story it'll be a patreon story thanks for your subscription incredible anyway so we switched to thrax's point of view and he wakes up and it actually says when we're still in claire's point of view that go ahead fill it up okay yeah sorry guys i need to fill my wine because i didn't think i would need more wine but now that we're in this review i i do need it in case you're wondering what i'm drinking it's the nighthawk black bourbon barrel aged cab
by boat a box um it's delicious it's one of my favorites you should entirely try it we're not sponsored by botobox it'd be cooler if we were and here's the sound of a boat a box being poured into a wine glass that's the stuff nailed it so thrax wakes up he grabs her because she's like right up next to him and and he's like then i'm overwhelmed like at first he could smell her arousal which again like this happens in a lot of these books where they describe like the scent of arousal and i'm like
that's kind of gross honestly in this one at least it's paranormal so i'll give them some more credit but just like the normal human books and they're like i got so turned on when i walked into the room and smelled her arousal and i'm like you're a doctor yeah like you should not be able to smell that is she okay probably not like i'm like well you put your face up in there because i would not i mean claire is not okay you know so he grabs her and then initially he smells the scent of
whatever and then he's overwhelmed by the smell of her fear and he's like oh no no my mate cannot be afraid we don't like that so he lets her go and she stumbles back and toes or just like away away from him away from him and he grabs her again because she almost falls into these poisonous cacti i don't [ __ ] know but this is where we find out that thrax apparently has some kind of foresight like he's a psychic yeah but he can only see like a few seconds ahead which helps him in a lot
of the fights that he's in he can sense things i'm like is he just deducing what's gonna happen whatever so he grabs her to prevent her from falling into these spikes and would they kill her yes okay um however thorax can produce all kinds of different venom oh yeah so i mean he he is a super not spy a super soldier that's the word i was going for super soldier super soldier so he's like super horny and he considers like pinning her down and just like going for it but his foresight shows him her
turning her face away from him and and crying and he's like no maybe i shouldn't sexually assault my mate yeah he's like i don't okay like that that's good insight thrax really good job everybody proud of you so happy for you so he stops and releases her and then um but stays close to her to prevent her from like potentially hurting herself because apparently his habitat is a [ __ ] death trap it sounds it so um then we switch back to claire's point of view claire again just super horny like
that's basically the theme is just super horny um and he is he explains to her how he was taken from his home planet and genetically modified he calls it the before time and the now time so the before time before he was abducted and then now time when after he has been uh modified and she said tells him that she's sorry and he's like why would you apologize and she's like because that's really sad like i'm sorry that that happened to you and he's like i don't get it
so my notes literally say she tries to explain empathy thrax does not compute does not get it he does not understand he's like what are you doing to the point where she starts to cry for him and he's like you are leaking salt and that is a vital nutrient why are you leaking salt so she tries to explain tears and again again my notes say thrax does not compute he does not understand tears he's like this is a vital nutrient you need to stop that because it's important like does thrax
understand any emotions outside of anger no okay we'll get there okay well i'm like therapist chelsea's just like well anger it's a secondary emotion i'm like let's talk about our anger icebergs y'all what's underneath it so um she then starts making out with racks because he's like holding her to keep her safe from her his death trap of a habitat and so she starts kissing him and she feels a seam on his face that we will get into later and she's like this is weird but i'm into it and he's like
this is nice and so they're making out and i don't remember i i think she pulls away because she's like i should probably stop because there are obviously cameras in here and i'm not trying to make a kim kardashian style tape right now sexy cat just part of my man i literally listened to that yesterday yesterday i listened to sexy can i by raging ray j the classic oh no let me go and get my camera because girl how you shake it it's a kodak for me anyway i'm so sorry so then um
they start talking more and she talks a little bit about her friends and her life from before um she was supporting herself making clothing and costumes for people and making her rave dancing videos and um talks about her mom a little bit and she's like do you have parents thrax and he's like i had a [Music] creator or something i don't remember the word he used he's like i killed him and ate him and she's like yeah because scorpion cannibalism is a so yeah so he
he tells her that he kills his parent and ate them and she's like jesus christ she's like um [Music] what is happening right now she's like for all the times that my mother pissed me off the thoughts of killing her and eating her never occurred to me you know that one just never was on my to-do list no never crossed my mind really so um then the scientists send in pray as thrax calls them um i guess to test him so they send in four aliens to try to attack him he stashes her in
a bathroom that is immediately off of his habitat and he calls it the the bright room or something it's like the only space that has a light that's not the fake sky i don't know so she's hiding in the bathroom we switched to thrax's point of view um he is trying to protect her he realizes that they can smell her and these aliens have like spikes on their back and scales all over their body and he's familiar with them and his translator can translate their language and so
he can hear them talking about like he's over there like stay on my left and whatever so he's trying to protect her he realizes that one of them has scented claire and is getting closer to the bathroom where she's hiding and so he tries to protect her he kills one of the aliens but he fails at killing the others and is hit by their venom from their spikes and so he my notes literally say thrax fights four aliens to protect claire fails that's all it says so um
claire then one of the aliens opens the bat the door to the bathroom where she's hiding she can see thrax fighting sees him go down she freaks out and so she tries to protect thrax and my notes say claire tries to protect thrax also fails [Laughter] she's unsuccessful um and in the book she's like this was not my wisest but like he's supposed to be a super soldier yeah but he's distracted by claire aren't they all right apparently because they can all center so yes so this is one of those
situations where like because it's her mate she smells like particularly nice to him or is this one where like everyone is just like that aroused by her no it's because he she's his mate okay yeah but she does smell good or smells at least different as a human so they're like what's left that's kind of nice okay fair enough so then one of the the researchers send in the robot things um to like break up the fight because obviously they put a lot of time and energy into thrax and so
they don't want him to be killed so they're like this was a test and he failed but we don't want him killed because we still need him exactly and they're like we don't want anything bad to happen to claire because we need him to bang her so we can have their babies so one of the spiky aliens grabs claire and hides her from the droids as they're fighting and hands her this scrap of paper and he's trying to communicate with her but she has no idea what he's saying but
he does protect her essentially and gives her this piece of paper and she's like i don't know what this is but okay so the robots come out they take out the prey um thorax wakes up so because of his body chemistry i don't know he's able to break down venoms and poisons and things like that so he breaks down whatever venom is in the the spiky alien spikes and wakes up and he um takes one of the robot arms because it lights up when they need it to to show them which direction to go and so he
essentially busts out of his habitat takes clair with him and they wind up in these sewer tunnels that are like underneath the research facility and the way that i'm imagining it it's like an underground river or something because there are a lot of eels in the water and it smells really bad do eels smell really bad or just because it's underground or it's just like a sewer thing i don't know i really i it smells bad and they're evil i feel like this is yet another situation where
i'm like i have a lot of questions and i'm not going to get any answers on this journey not a single one like i want to know where the [ __ ] these eels came from like this is a manufactured waterway apparently so where are these eels from whatever so florida so fun fact one of my co-workers who i often enjoy razzing and bantering with we i told him that he was really dramatic and he was like what and i was like yes you are and so is brandon and so is my dog so i was like yeah you are super
dramatic and he's like no and then he goes hold up hold up hold up he's from south georgia he's like now if you had to choose one word to describe me what word would you choose and i was like you just proved my point that you're [ __ ] dramatic but i was like i would say multifaceted [Laughter] [Music] and he was like i don't like that i don't like that at all because i consider myself a very simple person i'm a very simple man and i was like okay what word would you choose to describe
me well well i'm also kind of like okay so what word did you want us to choose for you is really the question at play so i was like okay but what word would you use to describe me and he goes you have one guess and for the last three weeks or so since he found out that i'm originally from florida he's just constantly like as a floridian and asks me a stupid question so he's like you have one guess about what word i would choose and i was like is it florida and he goes
yes and i was like i have now lived out of the state of florida longer than i lived in it and he goes it doesn't matter you could take the florida out of the girl or the girl out of florida but you could never take the floor all right well [ __ ] this guy i am not a fan um i mean here's the thing and i mean this is the highest compliment i can mean it and i think you'll take it as such when i met you hannah i never would have guessed you were from florida and i can only hope when you met me you
thought the same right correct i would not have guessed that no no like you would have been like [ __ ] she's sending off some real panhandle energy right now oh no like this [ __ ] just screams tampa like no damn if i were going to scream a place it would be tampa oh [ __ ] i hate it so much like oh [ __ ] you don't though thank you i really appreciate that and that's also no offense to everyone i love who still lives in tampa you're all wonderful magical beautiful people
um and i'm from central florida which arguably is worse yes i mean no part of it is good i'm not gonna show you i'm not gonna give you accolades i'm not gonna say it's not as bad it's worse yeah at least i grew up coastal yeah you did and now all i can think of is the a day to remember song the city of ocala i have friends who still live in hocala and i have friends that made it out of ocala and have said i can't wait to get married and have children so i can settle back down
in ocala no no no no or the other a day to remember song because they are nothing if not hometown boys um all signs point to fort lauderdale right i hate this town it's so washed up and all my friends are so [ __ ] up that is real life yeah i also listened to that song yesterday my playlist was a mess what playlist were you listening to i just shuffled my [ __ ] oh i was gonna say was that a daily mix because i feel like well so here's the problem and i need to tweet at spotify about this
and hope i can get some traction um the problem with spotify is i will frequently put music on that i'm like this is great just like a background while i'm listening or like while i'm reading my book and i want some background like piano music or something super instrumental right but it's also not something that i would be like oh this is in my repertoire of music that like i enjoy and i gotta tell you my like 2021 year end recap was the hottest of messes because i was
like why is this so sad and dramatic and just like instrumental piano and i realized i'm like oh because it came off of my like reading music playlist yeah so it would go between like i don't know d smoke or the new i don't know there was a lot of music that dropped last year like chica or d smoke or someone like that to like this like really sad piano music and then i'm like this is not a playlist i want to listen to so i wouldn't want to listen to my like year-end recap so
what i would really love is if spotify could create like a work mode so that way it would exclude like oh if i turn this on then i can listen to this and like you won't put this in chelsea's frequently listened to right it's a huge first world problem i recognize that this does not matter no at all so i would love for it to happen but if it doesn't i'm not going to complain because the world has enough that's actually going on but i don't need to pretend like this is an issue fair enough
hey there's my puppies we'll get you right back to the show in just a moment but first do you like us maybe even love us cause we sure love you and if you do love us don't tease us tell us in those ratings and reviews wherever you're listening right now maybe even send us over to a special sexy someone that would enjoy getting smutty with us because you know the first rule of smug club is to talk about smut club alright i won't keep you any longer let's get back to the show
honestly i don't even remember where we were at we were shooting so thrax catches some of the eels and eats them and his face like splits apart wait what like oh this seam in his face that she had felt yes yeah like splits apart and like that's how he eats yes his real mouth is underneath it and she's like i am going to vomit so wait like in my head he had a human face like he had he was dwayne the rock johnson on a scorpion body and then when he ate the eels he had an eel face underneath
dwayne the rock johnson basically yeah so he has like a scorpion face underneath his his humanoid face okay i was right and so it splits apart so that he can eat and she's like holy what no that is a completely valid reaction yeah she's like i was ready to ride that and now i'm concerned and i was like now we're concerned now this was the turning point for you girl respect yourself now okay whatever so she's freaking out we then switch to clear thrax's point of view he does not
understand why she's freaking out he's very concerned that she's not eating he's trying to feed her this eel and she's like i am not into raw seafood thank you though i'm good and she's like i uh i can go a little while without eating and like pat's her tummy and he's like you'll wither if you don't eat and she's like i could i could do with some withering and he's like no no you could not like so what i hear a saying is like she's like every female character and all of these books where
she's like i'm a little overweight i have a few extra pounds i'd like to lose and the dude's like i want to rail her into next week and she's like if only i were three pounds lighter yeah okay it's like those soft curves drive me mad but he doesn't know human things about the soft curves he just knows that he's into that girl this is the time to take advantage of the situation well hold please oh no now i'm nervous i should never i think every comment i make in this book i i speak too soon i
don't need to just shut my mouth so thrax is like i have to find a way to feed her and he can create as previously stated all these different like venoms and things like that and he's like i could make her food right that she could take essentially from my body and here i'm thinking like from your stingers because when they were making out in the habitat i forgot to mention she um was kind of feeling him up a little bit and he's like do not touch me there and she's like whoa what sorry sorry
um because he has these plates that activate his stingers um yeah you should avoid those yes and apparently he can create different kinds of venom and one of the kinds is for pleasure and she's like why would you have that pleasure venom yeah and he's like also in my head venom assumes poison well and i think i'm wrong on that i mean it is kind of because he's like well sometimes i want to keep my food fresh and it's easier if they're compliant so this feels really good so
they'll stick around and she's like i'm also feeling like what the [ __ ] i actually have wtf in my notes so well now i'm just wondering about like never mind i was gonna go in on a secretion of tangent but we can avoid that yeah well then he goes on in his mind thinking about how he can create this food irrationalness protein shake yes and he's like it can come from essentially the the um what the soft meats gave me right so he did not previously have a penis so he is
referring to his penis and i'm like food via bj so she he so he will ejaculate his erogenous protein shake yes for her yes what a giver so thoughtful so she so he's like you need to rest you know you're you're softer than me like you need to rest and so they hold up basically in this little alcove in the sewer she falls asleep she wakes up um and he is like you have to eat something and so he offers her the eel again and she's like i would sooner take a bite out of you
then eat that and he's like funny you should be he's like funny you should mention that he's like i made a gift for you and she's like a what a gift a gift she's like you did a what he's like i made a gift for you and she's like okay and so he removes his groin plate i hate this book oh god why susan why yeah so he removes his groin plate and apparently he has a slit in which i hate that word i hate the word slit it's like like moist and slit are just up there
you know what i mean especially together yeah no i hate it so she he removes his groin plate and she's like okay because an alien penis pops out of this slit and he has a weird dick there's a lot of description of some kind of weird like i mean did she think it would look human i don't know what she thought but there's some kind of like weird cilia like little things on the end and it's really weird and she's like it looks like there's pre-cum on the end and he like collects
it on his finger and puts it in her mouth and she's like that's the most delicious thing that i have ever experienced i hate everything about this it gets worse so she provides a nutritional bj and again it is the best thing that she has ever tasted and she gets so turned on by this that she's like did you drug me like what the [ __ ] is happening does he say yes i did drug you he's like what are you talking about but i thought there was an irrationalist aspect to it
apparently because then they bang so it's a standing up situation he picks her up and she mounts and he is super still and she's like do you not need to to like thrust well first he tells her to stop with the bj he's like you have to stop or i'm gonna spill my seed because he's already given her the gift that he made oh the gift wasn't his seed that was in addition to no she even says like i've heard that line before about how it's like a complete nutritional supplement
and he's like what and she's like don't worry about it so no i remember having this conversation with some co-workers when i lived in nashville oh no and we're talking about like yeah when people are like there's protein in there and my co-worker was like yeah you know my husband tried that line on me i told him to put it in my smoothie and i drink it every morning that's excellent and i really respected her hustle on that one i'm like good for you that is essentially what's happening
only she's getting the smoothie from the source i hate this so much but i know we are happy to do this i did tell you to do it and i'm honestly so glad you are because now i don't i'm not gonna read this one i would not recommend so they bang and she's like do you not need to thrust and he's like no i can release my seed whenever you want me to but i want to provide you pleasure and she's like okay well you're i need you to thrust yeah so he does and she's like no no no no no no too far
[Laughter]
so she's like coaching him on how to do everything and then she's like that's amazing i mean this is gonna sound really silly but i kind of appreciate that that it wasn't as though they just like hopped in and like what is clearly an outlandish plot line and they're like and we just jumped in and had the most amazing sex like honestly the best thing that's ever happened i appreciate that they're like it took a while to figure out the anatomical differences we were bringing
to the table he had a little too much to give so they bang she comes he comes it's all great well so she comes and then she's like you can release your seed now and he's like okay so then was he that unenthused no he was super into it oh okay he was like i did not know that it would feel like this and when she when he gave her his gift she was like he was like holy [ __ ] like i did not know this was gonna feel like a game changer i'm into that so then they make their way down these
tunnels he says that he knows of um uh something [Music] that will take them to the sky and she's like a spaceship and he's like no she's like an elevator and he's like yes and she's like cool let's go do that like let's go get the [ __ ] out of here so it that's where the robot arm that he took comes into play so he's using it to find this elevator so eventually they find um some a sign that he translates as saying like custodial quarters and they find several bodies in this room
and he's like i mean i can clear out the bodies and we can stay here and she's like no thank you let's keep looking so they do and then they eventually find like the lead custodian quarters and there's a bed and a couch and stuff and so she cleans it up he is continuing to eat these eels so that he can make her supplements and there is such a giver we we're loving thrax's altruistic she's here to provide for his mate you know um so again thank you brandon brandon
agrees on our assessment about threats my notes just say more slurp in the gherkin so there are more nutritional bj's provided was that all right i have to ask was slurping the gherkin your terminology or was that yeah no it wasn't in the book that was just mine and i'm really sorry for it so never apologize for that i mean unless it's your mother-in-law listening to this episode and then i am also sorry listen dina if you've made it to this episode you already got through the
morning glory one with all of the hand-drawn euphemisms so i feel like you jerking like slurping the gherkins probably like one of the least horrifying things very valid i've heard thus far so um she is super into the fact that he just comes on command because she can just ride it as long as she wants until she comes and apparently he does this vibrating thing when he's turned on and so um my notes say vibrating doodle again those words were not used in the book
slurping the gherkin and vibrating doodle were not mentioned in the book the scorpions mate yeah they were just mentioned by hannah on smut club when referencing the book because honestly there are just only so many ways to say [ __ ] until it's like jesus christ and you're like no we get it it's still happening it is a lot well how else is she going to keep her curves exactly and apparently it's also enough hydration like she doesn't need to drink water she
doesn't need to like do anything except for he has a magic semen yeah or rather magic pre-cum because he can still ejaculate yeah i don't want to overthink this but i'm already there so i apologize to everyone i'm so sorry so then um she decides that she wants to see his real mouth which previously had freaked her out and he knew that it freaked her out and so he's like no you won't like me anymore if you see it and she's like no i do really like you and i want to know all the parts of you
which i'm like are you not familiar enough with his vibrating penis that we need to see that so i just have she asked to see his real
mouth wtf page 181. because it's just so much and actually oh my god hold up hold up hold up i just remembered i had a note from the um uh the nutritional bj that apparently i felt was important enough and i just remembered that i had made this note so hold on let me pull it up okay okay so this is when he's deciding how he's going to provide her nutrition it says there was another way that i could feed her producing nutrients within my own body to replenish the ones that she
required i had no problem eating whatever was available and could translate the extra flesh into nutrition for her i could then give it to her the same way i would give her my seed my groin plate pulsed at the idea imagining her lips closed closing around that part of me made me nearly frantic with need honestly hannah i could have survived without that direct quote you couldn't if i had to know it you had to know it and i i'm gonna do you a favor and not pull up page 181 where she describes his
mouth no he's doing this do it read his mouth now we're here okay i guess his scorpion mouth not his humanoid mouth right yeah okay mouth just wanted to make sure i had his mouth type right so um he's he continues to refer to anyone that is not claire as soft meets and she's like that has to stop okay that's weird and gross and so she's constantly reminding him not to say that humans are not soft meat i mean we are but we just don't like the terminology no we're not into that so he
calls them the soft ones so um he does open his plates for her um and so she watches they're like essentially plates that move and she asks a lot of questions about how they're attached and blah blah blah and he's like my mandibles retract um pulling back the plates and this is new he was not originally like this when he was genetically modified they did this and so she's like does it hurt and he's like when it did at first it did but not anymore and then um she says like will you open will you
open it for me um and so again he's like you won't like it you won't like me anymore and she's like no please let me see and so he does and then his it says his lower fla his lower face split in half spreading and pulling back to reveal his true mouth and so then she's freaking out and she is trying to not show disgust and it says his palate had a split into falling back against his mandible plates revealing the soft pink flesh of his inner mouth where his tongue lay thick
and long against his lower plate and as i watched the two things that i can't pronounce cholesterol protruded from inside his throat their claws their claw edges serrated and sharp as sharks teeth what imagery we have wow okay what happens next i think we just like we gotta yeah we'll just move on so um uh she's like i like it anyway and kisses his weird mouth and he's like cool and then she tells him that he has got to slow down on the sex because he's like into it all the time and she's like
please stop and he's like you don't you don't want me anymore and she's like no i'm i'm just sore jesus christ like it's like i just legitimately need time to recover before we go again okay so she's like i'm only human he's like i don't get it i can smell your arousal and she's like i want you all the time but that doesn't mean i can [ __ ] you all the time like simmer down and she feels like she's very practical for a human who's been abducted she is she really is so um
he's like okay so one thing that if i'm gonna give credit anywhere in here i will give credit to thrax because when she says things like that he's like okay like once she explains he's like all right whatever it takes to make you happy i can do that and so he slows down it's all good and then she decides she wants to venture out of what they call their nest which is these custodial quarters that she cleaned up and she like found a jumpsuit that she altered to fit herself so she would have
something to wear and things like that because lest we forget she is a clothing designer and also a rave dancer and so she decides finally to venture out of the nest and go with him while he is fishing for these eels and while they're out there she's looking in the water and she sees a face in oh the sewer tunnel and so she is like what the [ __ ] and he's like i don't sense anything except for the eels because he has these heightened senses and he's like i don't sense anything and she's
like you think i'm lying to you and he's like no i don't think you're lying i just don't sense anything and then a tentacled creature pops out of the sewer and grabs thrax and pulls him into the sewer oh [ __ ] plot twist octopus yeah you know what's really sad about this oh no like really sad about this whole thing is this book has more plot than most of the books that we have reviewed oh i hate everything about that but you are also not wrong so i mean it's not a good plot but it is
there what do you mean it's a great plot thrax was just abducted by an octopus after he was abducted by some scientists and turned into a super soldier yeah so in their discussion of empathy and all these different things as they're getting to know each other claire had encouraged him to consider making friends and he's like what the [ __ ] is a friend and she's like okay if you're not into friends at least make allies like people that can help when you're in
trouble and he's like i can take care of myself and she's like just try to make a [ __ ] ally dude like calm down so turns out this tentacled creature takes him to another alcove area and he starts talking to this thing and it turns out that this is another experiment that had escaped from the lab and his name is neiman and so um thrash is his last name marcus no but it'd be a lot cooler if it were you're right so i don't think he has last name so um thorax is talking to neiman and he's
like you have to take me back to my mate and he's like why would i do that i've been down here for years and i'm super lonely be my friend which i think of him as like old greg you know like he kidnapped somebody and he's like you want to see something cool like why are you like this so weird so thrax does eventually take talk him into taking him back to claire and they agree to be allies and the guy the neiman guy is a loose term here neiman is like why would i do that and he's like well
i have a mate and she's pretty amazing and i have to get back to her and neiman's like if you have a mate do i have a mate and he's like off i'll find you one i don't know maybe bro let's introduce you to some hoes yeah he's like i'll i'll find you a mate let's go he's like as long as you let me go back to my mate i will find you a mate as well exactly um neiman does have a book that i've also read and continue to deeply regret so are we gonna review that one at some
point i don't know if i can do it oh it's that bad i mean none of it is good so so thrax promises neiman a mate and he agrees to take him back um and uh talks neiman into assisting with their escape so neiman it turns out is like a super genius because obviously octopi are super geniuses and so he is able to like tap into the computer network that keeps all the cell doors closed um so claire has been recaptured she believes that thrax is dead like she's pretty certain that thrax is dead
um alien is like oh well that really sucks we'll just mate you to somebody else you're not pregnant oh she did get her period at one point while they were in the nest whatever um and she's kind of relieved because she does not want these scientists to take her baby so then um ilian says they'll just mate her to somebody else if thrax is dead and um that she is not pregnant and part of the reason why is because apparently she had some kind of like blockage or issue or something that they
have now resolved so you didn't consider potential infertility issues well so that's part of it where he's like it was missed in your initial exam and he's like super salty because apparently one of his underlings [ __ ] up um and they knew where claire and thrax were the entire time they were just hoping that she would return preggers they were waiting for him to leave her alone so they could take her back and see if she was pregnant so then thrax gets back to the nest and he flips
the [ __ ] out because claire is gone um and he that scrap of paper that the spiky alien gave claire she kept it that whole time and so he picks it up because it smells like her and decides to take it with him um and neiman is like let's do this [ __ ] let's get the [ __ ] out of here i [ __ ] with neyman i mean uh of the two nieman is my preference i don't know if president is the woman feels like um okay what was the nick cage movie national treasure yeah like justin
bartha the sidekick like that's how i'm imagining neiman it's just justin bartha a national treasure kind of yes okay um so neiman is like bet let's do this [ __ ] you promised me a mate let's do it so ilian explains to her that explains to claire so we've switched back to claire's point of view alien explains to claire oh i forgot it also turns out that neiman is the one that killed all of the custodians that they found in the tunnels he was like i tried to talk to them and
like be friends with them and they tried to kill me so i killed them neyman i know he's so misunderstood he really is so um claire in talking to ilyan finds out that it is aliens dna that was used to modify thrax oh he used his own dna for that and also she learns at some point i don't really remember when but at some point she learns that the this race of aliens the erode erudians i've not used that word because it's not really relevant but this race of aliens essentially
um the males have this what they consider defect where if they scent their mate they become obsessed and the women do not experience anything that is reciprocated and so which is like so the men avoid women or the females of their species at all costs essentially because they don't want to become like obsessed with someone um and so who doesn't reciprocate exactly and they have tried to um breed this out of themselves and tried to like genetically modify it out of
themselves they've been unsuccessful in that so claire learns all of this as alien is talking to her um and then new chapter claire is sitting in a cell again she's been captured she believes sax is dead so she's mourning his loss and then all the cell doors open and she's like what and like all the lights go out it's super creepy so she like pokes her head out in the hallway she's like hello and she finds some other humans like three other humans that have also been
abducted what a nice surprise i know one of them is super traumatized like she has clearly been really significantly tortured and she's having a hard time um but they try to protect her they're trying to like move to figure out what the hell is going on and how to get out so then um thrax and neyman find them um and they're fighting all of these robots or whatever to get out um and neiman picks up the woman who is super traumatized and like pulls her into his tentacles so they
can't see her anymore and the other humans are like holy [ __ ] he ate her and he's like please mind your business i'm protecting her thank you um i love neiman so much right now i know it just seems so pure i should have just reviewed his book instead of all this [ __ ] so then they're working on escaping and they find like a door to the outside but they are having trouble getting it open neiman is working on it but it's like they're having a hard time so then
alien's voice comes over the intercom and he's like um the my bosses essentially are going to nuke the [ __ ] out of this lab because we've lost control of the subjects like they're on their way to blow it up um i'm the only one who can open that door to get out and so claire is like um excuse me and he's like i need to talk to claire and she's like excuse me anthrax is like hard no you're not going to be alone in a room with him thanks i support riax's decision well claire
does not so she slips into the room where ilian is and he seals the door and as soon as she steps in he like takes a big breath and he's like oh my god you're my mate and she's like excuse me and he's like it was my dna yup it was my dna that modified thrax so i should have known that it was going to be you that's why we've never been in the same room with any of the subjects because we can imprint essentially on any species and so that's why i've never been in the room
with any of our subjects because i didn't want this to happen and she's like well i'm your mate do you want me to die because if you don't open that door we're all gonna die and thrax is like banging on the door trying to get it open and she's like we're all gonna die unless you open that [ __ ] door and he's like i'm gonna stay here i'm gonna open the door i want you to escape it's enough for me to know that my mate is safe and she's like you literally electrocuted me you dumb [ __ ]
he's like i'm really not into you yeah but if that's what i need to say to get the [ __ ] out of here i will yeah so he is like bet opens the door to like the control room lets her out they hear the door the outer door open and then they hear a big bang and it is assumed that alien kills himself after he frees her um so then they the door opens and there are a lot of spiky aliens wearing armor outside the door and they're like oh [ __ ] so they are then taken onto the spiky alien ship yeah
and that scrap of paper turns out to be really important because on the scrap of paper are a list of names and they are the names of the um soldiers that were essentially prisons prisoners of war of this alien race and so when claire gives them the paper they're like we are forever in debt to you because you told us where our men were our people yeah who they were and even though they're not alive anymore man this book has so many twists and turns i just know so many
coming so many they're like we're forever in debt to you um we have the ability to take you home and she's like home you say and thrax is like listen if we have to go back to earth like i guess i'll go with you i can just like live how the [ __ ] is thrax gonna survive on earth does he have legs for pants he does but the rest of him under a giant scorpion's like under his genital plates she has like super pan yes and so she is like i mean honestly i could parade him down the street and i would
just get awards for best cosplay like nobody would believe that i have an alien living with me but also i don't want thrax to live that way and i don't want potentially like the government or somebody to come take him from me so no i'm not going home i'm choosing to leave my friends and family and my career as a clothing designer and rave dancer behind so the other offer from the spiky aliens is to settle in one of their colonies and um thrax and claire are like that sounds
great and so they make a home thrax starts farming he doesn't realize that he's farming but he like captures prey and breeds them and keeps them alive like he provides them care until he's ready to eat them and she's like you are a farmer and he's like i don't know what you're saying to me but okay she's like it doesn't matter what i'm saying to you because you're still a farmer yeah okay and she also some of the like creatures on this planet she decides are her pets and he's like what
and she's like you can't eat these ones and he's like why and she's like because they're my they're mine and he's like oh okay i like does not compute i don't understand okay but whatever makes you happy this sounds a lot like my roommate in grad school because my roommate in grad school married a popcorn farmer from nebraska stop and while that popcorn farming is a thing yeah girl i guess you're just a corn farmer i was gonna say i didn't realize it was a special kind of corn no they like
his family if i'm remembering correctly like actually like you could get like their family like popcorn brand i could be misremembering this honestly i don't i don't fully remember but i do remember walking into our apartment one day and my roommate being like chelsea we like they were engaged at the time and she was like we have pet cows now and he's like baby i've told you they are not pets they will be slaughtered for food and it's best if you don't name them and get attached to them
and she's like we have pet cows and he's like we do not have pet cows we have food food very similar situation yes but thrax is like whatever makes you happy baby like i don't know if i can know so um does thrax have a back i mean yes he has a scorpion back but i'm not going to dispute that with the story but i'm like it really seems like he's like whatever you want claire basically like he just wants to make her happy ultimately and so he does work on his empathy
he and threat he and neiman do wind up becoming friends neiman does find a mate who also lives in this new colony but that comes in the second book but it is mentioned in the epilogue so um in the epilogue thrax is like claire has been really weird lately like i feel like everything i do makes her mad i don't understand and she's hungry all the time and i don't and i can only give her so many nutritional blow jobs right so he walks in from hunting and she has all these rules about what
he is and isn't allowed to eat right and so he because some things are pets and so he walks home and she he walks in the door and she's like thank [ __ ] you're home with food thank you and she like takes it and starts to cook it which he also doesn't understand he's like why would you scorch that like just eat it um but she's like why don't you ever eat with me and he's like you don't like it when i eat in front of you you feel like it's too messy and she's like we never spend any time
together and she's like crying so what i hear are saying is she's pregnant yeah yeah yeah so then she's like i'm just hungry all the time and she like her stomach rumbles and she's like feel that and like takes his one of his clasper hands i didn't mention that before because it didn't feel necessary but it does now she takes one of his clasper hands and puts it on her belly and she's like feel that and he's like i did feel a fluttering and she's he's like what is that and she's like
that's our baby my love and he says as the humans would say oh [ __ ] is that how the book ends no it flashes forward to claire after she delivers the baby in some kind of medical facility that the spiky aliens have on their colony and the baby has four arms and but is soft like her doesn't have any baby yeah with forearms it doesn't have any plates but they don't know if she will potentially the baby's a girl they don't know if the baby will eventually develop plates or like what's gonna happen
um but thrax says so so in thrax's experience the young slaughter the parents for territory and so he was initially like big yikes but then he's like oh well this this offspring is part of claire and so i will treasure it the same way i treasure claire and so he's very happy and that's the end of the book so like if we were to do a really short summary of this book claire goes camping gets abducted yep finds her mate yep they make it out of the facility yep and make
a hybrid child yeah the end yeah so what's our rating scale for this book [ __ ] protein shakes oh i hate that we both thought of it i'm gonna say like [Music] two out of five protein shakes yeah i'm not gonna go against you on that but are they like [ __ ] protein shakes or just normal protein shakes because that's a difference at this point it doesn't okay so like two out of five no matter what kind of shake it's still gonna stay two out of five at this point nothing matters
i think i just slammed my notebook you really did play dramatic fashion um yeah so two out of five [ __ ] protein shakes i think is appropriate um i mean it feels generous but honestly i feel like one and a half of those stars are for neyman 100 like neiman is really the show stopper of this world that's not even his book now i feel like i have to review neiman's book only if you want to and maybe with more wine no you're like i really and here's the thing if you're like i can't bring
myself to do that i don't fault you thank you so maybe much like j.s scott's books will be reviewed in the future we will come back to neiman's book in the future yeah we'll take a break from susan thank you honey for your effort so two out of five protein blow job shakes do without what you will and potentially nothing at all and potentially nothing at all so it sounds as though hannah read that one so none of us have to and we really thank you for your service
because i don't i don't think i'm gonna pick that one up after this but i'm glad that i know what happened yeah so i can still have an educated book club conversation about i mean i do appreciate that because this is often a thankless job so i appreciate you recognizing the sacrifice that's been made thank you all for joining us we're so glad you're here and we can't wait to see you next time have a good night thanks y'all next week on smut club oh no i just remember when milisha was on punkt
and she did not handle that no she didn't no she that was not a good look on her like some people like i feel like punk was really the make or break like are they gonna take it in stride or are they gonna show out she showed she really did well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ] we hope it was good for you because it sure was great for us if you're digging what we're doing it would mean a lot if you take a minute to rate and review the show wherever you're listening right now
maybe tell that sexy someone to let us in here we love you we appreciate you and we'll see you next week stay spotty [Music] you