well hello all you beautiful people you know what time it is ladies and gents guys and dolls and everyone in between gather round get you something real nice to sip on and comfy to slip on because it's time for smut club here's your hosts chelsea and hannah [Applause] [Music] welcome to smut club hey everybody i'm chelsea and i'm hannah um we are two licensed therapists who read a lot of smut and enjoy it like all right i thought i did well last year i read 204 books in 2021 um and i'm
pretty sure you put my numbers to shame how many it was over 300 right it was it was 339.
how like do you sleep no no i don't good question i do not sleep thank you for asking the answer is no next question i [Laughter] brandon why are you crying right now brandon is if you hear a dog or a cat in the background we are recording this in my dining room breakfast nook i don't know what the technical term is um but we have a dog who like what the [ __ ] have a dog named brandon who has no boundaries and we have a cat named craig who also has no boundaries but is
quieter about his lack of boundaries true true and you know we talk about boundaries as therapists and also because people lack them and smut all the time they do they do like there are so many characters that i'm like i feel like you're looking for fulfillment in each other yeah and maybe see a therapist and then circle back to this relationship i'm not saying like leave the relationship i'm just saying let's maybe learn some healthier ways to engage in this relationship but
also i don't know if like blood play and proper boundaries go together you know i guess they do you do need boundaries around blood play i mean technically like if you're doing it right yes you know if you're doing it right don't worry about it but the point is that i i think that some people think that the lack of boundaries or the intentional crossing of them is hot in some way and so that's like the majority of smut is like pushing it you know that's valid mm-hmm
and yet it doesn't stop us from reading it in excess yep and so welcome to this new journey that we're on where we come and we talk about smut and our experiences of it we figured we'll like review a book or two an episode and like see where we land see what our thoughts are um because there's just like a wide world of smut to be discovered there is and i recently speaking of the wide world somehow started reading like alien smut and it was a lot but i couldn't stop
so i just like is it weird that you said alien smut in my head i just like saw the word probe in huge letters and i was like i imagine that that's a part of it it was yes you're correct um there's also a lot of like genetic mutations and kidnapping and just you know abduction it's not kidnapping when it's aliens it's abduction to be clear aliens the deciding line between kidnapping and abduction i think so yes i mean i'm not an attorney you know i'm not up on the legal definitions
but i feel like aliens are the deciding factor between the two well so not alien smut but i was recently telling a friend about feral sins which i'm sure will review at some point um and i was like telling them like the premise of this book and there's werewolves in it and yes i do struggle with saying the word wolf and we're just going to own that now so it's a werewolf and we're just going to move on with our lives do you want me to just say it every time do you want to give me like a wink
so this book is about werewolves oh i don't think that's gonna last but so i'm like i'm telling her all about this book and actually it's like me my husband her her husband were all sitting there they're all laughing at my retelling of this book and then she's like yeah you know chelsea like if that's what you're into and i just like paused for a second i was like so i want to be clear it's not woof porn like it's it's human smut and they are also shape shifters who can shift into a wolf
form it is not or they can shift into a werewolf form this is not sustainable it's not i'm having fun with it though so just whenever you want to do it it's cool perfect i i can't wait for the day that i like think i'm knowingly giving you the look and you're like i don't know what you're asking werewolf yeah she was like i was like oh i really appreciated this friend being really like yeah chelsea like if that's what you're into and i was like i just want to be clear this is not woof smut
it is like it's humans as well and she's like oh i'm like i'm not this isn't like a bestiality and she's like oh and i was like jesus you know what i i really i want to thank you for being so accepting that that's what you thought i was talking about and you're like yes chelsea if that's what you're into and i mean i guess for other people you know if that is what you're into live your truth sure um i don't think i could do that consistently and so i think i'm thinking
that through in the context of alien smut and probing and abduction it's not it's only kidnapping if they stay on earth is that the problem i don't uh i think it has to be human on human for it to be a kidnapping and like outside human on human for kidnapping you heard me so like if a vampire kidnapped someone oh i apologize if a vampire takes someone it's an abduction but if a human takes someone it can happen listen okay if it's an extraterrestrial so not of this earth it is abduction
you know i guess the the phrase is alien abduction it is no one is ever like i was alien kidnapped exactly it doesn't roll off a tongue is easy it doesn't i'm a [ __ ] for alliteration i was gonna say it's all about the alliteration like if you can have alliteration you need to have it you know really i think it makes life more fun i would agree right i would agree okay so what book do you want to review today um let's do denim vipers to start oh damn and who wrote denim vipers oh god damn
hold please oh i feel like i should know this offhand and [ __ ] amongst yourself i don't know this often i should know i literally just reread it for the podcast [ __ ] don't worry about me i feel like as soon as you say the name i'm going to be annoyed with myself i'm already annoyed with myself k a knight i'm already yeah damn it so let's we love k a knight we did not mean to do you dirty like that so sorry so sorry so let's take it from the top so today i'm going to be
reviewing denim vipers by k.a knight okay and what what sort of smut because there's there's a lot of smut there is there is i i recently had to do some education around the different kinds of smut for an office mate of mine um he made fun of me pretty relentlessly at a lunch that we had where i disclosed that i would be recording this podcast and then a couple of days later he texted me and said i'm so bored and i was like i don't know what you want me to do about that and he said throw me
some book wrecks knowing full well knowing full well what sort of recommendations he'd been getting yes where he'd be getting sorry and i was like okay okay so what what are you in the mood for because i have a lot of options here and he said i didn't realize there were different categories of harlequin harlequin already makes us sound so much classier it does we're not so and just for all of you listeners at home or whatever uh this individual is a 29 year old man
who wears cardigans went to a very very conservative christian college and loves twilight that is the individual that we're talking about here asking me for book recommendations and calling it harlequin so he was he said i didn't know there were different options and i said something along the lines of oh my sweet summer child we have we have uh uh bully romance college romance age girls hair reverse harem age gap we have uh mafia we have i mean i just went through like
a bunch of paranormal paranormal um high fantasy urban fantasy like i went through the whole thing right and he was like holy [ __ ] uh mafia for sure and i said all right uh reverse harem or like regular mafia and he said reverse harem did he know what reverse harem meant i don't know i don't know i don't think i was that specific in his education regarding a river theorem uh you're like listen i gave you the general genres within this you can do additional research you can't you can
only lead a horse to water hannah exactly well and you're a white man i feel like we've done enough hand-holding at this point you know so [ __ ] we have so he says reverse harem and i was like den of vipers easy and about five minutes later i so i've never read dennis viper's i don't think i realized that was mafia it is reverse heroin i love this so mafia reverse harem and about five minutes later he texted me was like do you have anything with less sadism in it and i was like um
so i feel like what he given i don't know i've never met this man so i'm gonna sound really judgmental because i am really judgmental i'm just gonna own that um but i feel like knowing that he loves cardigans and is like super into twilight huh i would kind of assume like for him like smut would be more of like a rom-com with like a sex scene would be like that wouldn't right that would still but that's not what he asked me for no he didn't have to force a reverse harem book
and he got one he did he did i mean it's not as bad as gangsters and guns in my opinion so like you know um so yeah that's the book that we're going with i did we did after some back and forth wind up on four psychos but so he stayed in reverse harem he did he did um i also recommended the madison kate series and a few other things but we landed on four psychos and i forgot that that opens with an orgy in the prologue yep just that's why i was you're like oh
denna vipers is coming in a little too hot for you let me recommend another boat yeah because once you get into four psychos this it's lighter on the smut that is fair and heavier on the plot but i i just forgot that there was an orgy so literally four minutes later like i have the texts to prove it four minutes later he was like your definition of smut and my definition of smut are different and then two days ago he came into my office and sat down and he was like so uh
i'm gonna finish it all right i'm gonna finish it but i'm gonna be totally honest i got kind of bored um as i was reading and i was like really because like i thought the story was pretty strong and he was like here's the issue that i'm having it opened with a lot of sex and i was like all right and then there wasn't any anymore and my brain can't switch that fast and so it just couldn't process the story because it was stuck on the smut i feel like yeah so he's like hey so you're you oversold
um actually not oversold you over delivered you did it i did you you sold it exactly as is i did but you over delivered for what his expectations are yes i did not meet expectations yeah so uh and then he got bored because there was like there was too much sex but then the lack of sex bored him yeah like it feels like a goldilocks situation it is so then i was trying to think of like what would be the perfect one then you know i did recommend from blood and ash
for him because he's into twilight i think he'll be into that and i keep reminding him to read it i will probably wind up reviewing from blood and ash eventually but anyway that's not what we're doing today identifiers and k um no it does not have less sadism in it so okay so the premise for data vipers there's these four dudes right and they run the vipers which is the the mafia right like this big crime syndicate and they also have a lot of of what city is the same
so it's never outright stated but it is definitely england so i'm feeling like a london sort of vibe um but it's never stated that it's an actual city and there are going to be spoilers there's always we can't review these books without spoilers we can't plot twist they have sex yes we know you didn't see that coming very true very true um and indented vipers once it starts it does not stop so there's these four dudes there so honestly your co-worker should have
continued with it because the other book started with sex and then i know that he got bored i know although there is a lot of blood play in denim viper spoiler again this whole thing is going to be spoilers so if you're not into it just just fast forward or turn it off or something so or just like read the review of the book online and sure don't listen yes also one of my favorite pastimes just as an aside is to read the reviews for these books because they're magnificent people either
adore these books or they hate them so passionately that they decide to write like more in peace about it okay so i don't know if if you feel this way but we both read a decent amount of books throughout the year and i feel like smut it does tend to be pretty polarizing like people are either like yeah this book slaps or they're like this book is the worst why would anyone read this garbage but i also like i feel like there's like the like everyone rates them and reviews them
that way but i also feel like there's a wide amount of books that you're like this is essentially the same book written by like 20 authors yes with they're all named aidan black yes yes they're all named aiden black and the girl is always like sarah you know it's like all right okay all right it's always sarah or it's like katie or something like a nickname for like like i just read a book and her name was truvy and she went by true truvi like the low calorie sweetener oh no that's truvia sorry
you know you know my my twin daughter is stevia and truvia i'm sorry i believe truvia is the brand name for stevia all right is that true i have no idea i was like oh [ __ ] i'm learning it sounded right though so okay so denim vipers we have these four guys they run this crime syndicate but in the opening chapter so it switches perspectives which i like a lot um because it can get stale when it's like just from the woman's perspective or just from the man's perspective it can get kind of like
is it just duel or is it like it's a girl on all okay it's all five and it's a long book um i don't remember exactly how many pages it is but it's one of the longer ones that i read last year and um so it opens the first chapter is told from uh one of the guys and he is the like [ __ ] crazy one like there's always one in a reverse harem that is just off the goddamn rocker but they're always like oh watch out for that one like he's not stable always yeah like why do you [ __ ] with
him in the first place exactly why have all of you normalized this behavior so this is the one this is the one his name is diesel all right i'm this is me being shocked i know y'all can't see it but color me organized his name is implored also this book i just looked up it was 654 pages thank you i was thinking around 700 so i was close so and they are torturing this guy like it opens straight up with them torturing this guy who apparently owes them money and so they're like cutting them up and
diesel's super into it like getting hard about it right because he's the crazy one so he's the one who's like crazy and a boner he is over there he is yes so they are uh trying to do like punish him essentially for not paying them the money that he owes and then he's like just take my daughter and they're like uh what and he's like yeah she owns a bar over on the south side like just go get her so casual and flippant pretty much sorry i can't pay my debts but you know what might
cancel out my debts is i have a daughter that i'm a 24 year old daughter a hot 24 year old daughter yeah okay just go get her so that's the first chapter right and so it's all from diesel's perspective and he's like eating eating uh crisps since they're british he's like eating crisps and rubbing himself while they're torturing this guy like it like we're coming in i have no idea why your conservative co-worker was like this is a bit mud oh sweet sweet angel he didn't know
but i gave him exactly what he asked me for so anyway he has only himself to blame precisely so then it cuts to roxy who's the female lead and the she's running her bar these guys come in and they're like you need to come with us and she's like you can [ __ ] off and so they try to grab her she gets her back that she apparently keeps behind her as every good barn bar owner has they keep that bat behind the bar and she beats the ever loving [ __ ] out of these four massive men all of
them all of them yeah all of them and so does she have any special skills or she's just like no okay sorry i'm getting ahead of myself no no i mean it's a good question because i'm thinking like i mean i'm pretty s i'm fairly scrappy generally and i do have like a little bit like just enough to say that i have some krav maga training but not enough to actually be effective with any of the skills you know what i mean i i know everyone doesn't know hannah but
hannah does say you're gonna catch these hands more often than the average human so like she's not afraid to throw down if the situation warrants we like i'll just say that that's true i'm not afraid of that but i don't think i could handle four men who were over six feet tall and over 200 pounds like i don't think that's something that i could do right and so who are also like entertaining this world and like they're equal yes right so she beats the [ __ ] out of them and
then her bartender's like oh no i forgot my keys and he walks in to see her standing over these four men and he's like uh what and she's like help me drag him outside so they take him back out in the alley and she calls the cops and she's like come get him and hangs up and then yeah so anyway fast forwarding a little bit because i'm not gonna do chapter by chapter the four vipers decide they're gonna go get her themselves so they show up she attempts to beat the [ __ ] out of the four of them
and is unsuccessful so they then take her and lock her in a room in their apartment their loft thing that's apparently massive and multiple floors because they're super wealthy mafia people as all mafia people are they all just have these like very secure locked room super secure yeah always to just put a woman in right like that's the whole purpose of the condo is to have a space to keep the woman that you have kidnapped and not to be confused with abducted so because it's human on a human
she was kidnapped she does not leave the surface of the earth therefore all right but vampires are on earth vampires don't go to space now i have more questions i know but if they're not going to space then it's a kidnapping i thought it was if it wasn't a human space is now the determining factor not species i mean i guess but then that raises the question of if it's an astronaut or jeff bezos like does it still count if jeff bezos takes you to space is it technically an abduction honestly i'm
going to say yes because i would put money on him being a lizard person you know he probably owns at least one or two skin suits that's the only logical conclusion i would guess seven like a days of the week underwear you know and each one just has a tattoo of what day you wear that skin suit this is my monday skin suit you can see the chest piece that labels it as such so i hate everything about this yeah anyway they lock roxy in the secure room where they kidnapped not abducted her correct
so she flips out she destroys the room and um yeah and then uh so lots of things continue to go awry and they decide to leave her with the youngest of the vipers his name is kenzo they decided to leave her with kenzo and so obviously they [ __ ] right they decided to play strip poker and she's like you're a cheater because he's obviously the bookmaker right he's the the bookie of the whole thing they each have different jobs each of the four so he's like you have to pull
your weight in the mafia obviously so obviously they [ __ ] and [Laughter] it's super rough and a lot and of course when they finish there is diesel jacking it having watched the whole thing [ __ ] diesel [ __ ] diesel right zero part of me is surprised by this right so then she's all i didn't even want it and diesel's like don't even lie did you say stop or did you say no and she's like no and he's like okay then [ __ ] off like you're not going to do that kenzo is
really sweet and he would feel bad if he felt like he coerced you you gave consent implying that the rest of them would not give a single flying [ __ ] if she didn't want it you know like that's the implication which is a little gross but anyway so it continues then you find out that garrett who is the largest of the four um so question because this is a pertinent question when it comes to when we say he's the largest of the four is all of it yes okay i'm like is that height is that way is that
like how well endowed he is you can just say penis i don't know in my head i was like i forgot the word i was like you know you're junk and i was like what's the technical word for junk so instead i said he's well and dead so hold on of all the words to forget when recording us on my podcast listen it's the first one we're still making our way through we're really trying you guys so anyway garrett who is the largest in all ways of the four turns out that he hates
women deeply and does not want roxy to touch him or be anywhere near him but roxy is like roaming the apartment now she's no longer locked in the room and she got mad because writer who is the leader of the four right kidnapped her she's pissed about it we have writer we have kenzo kenzo and they are blood brothers writer and kinser are blood brothers yes and then there's diesel diesel and then there's the the well-endowed guy who is garrett garrett yes he has a really normal name he does
compared to the others it's like okay like we just ran out of steam on the fourth one you know writer is that what yeah i mean right you're strong you did play shawn on boy meets world and he always joked about how his name would be great if he ever went into porn because his name is ryder strong well he's correct about that yeah he really i mean he missed his calling going into television acting right i'm so disappointed um but anyway that sounded weird and i'm sorry i said you're like
you know i really do wish sean from boy meets world had gone into porn that i'm really disappointed thank you so much for explaining that further because that's exactly what i hoped would happen anyway so roxy's obviously pissed that she's been kidnapped and kept in this house or oh excuse me apartment whatever so she goes exploring and busts into writer's room and he is the one that's always in like the custom suits right like that's his shtick so she destroys
all of his suits like she finds some scissors and just cuts them up ev everything and then she finds all of his casual clothing all of his workout clothing all of his underwear she destroys all of it so then that takes time it does and she had it because kenzo was on the phone obviously because kenzo's on the phone and she's locked in a luxury apartment condo right so where is she gonna go what's she gonna do so she then is running from ryder because she's like
oh [ __ ] me that was probably a poor choice to taunt the mafia boss that has me kidnapped and locked in his [ __ ] apartment so she's running and then she realizes this after the fact after the fact 100 so then she's running and she runs into garrett and like tries to hide behind him and he's like you shouldn't do that i will never protect you blah and like tries to throw her out of the room and it's a whole thing and he has scars all over him which is relevant
later but he's like covered in like these horrible scars and she's like i'm kind of into that and he's like the [ __ ] out so obviously that doesn't escalate but eventually what okay sorry i didn't mean to make a face but she's like i'm kind of into that and i'm like what isn't she into is really what i'm nice people [Music] men who treat her well is what she's not into like kindness and basic human compassion she's not into it at all in fact she's like nah so not not to therapize her just not
delicate but i mean oh we'll get into her history later it all makes sense so anyway so um she's developing these relationships with these men right and they are all warning her away from diesel if you hear this right now no one is using the restroom i was pouring a glass of wine from a boat a box and i didn't realize the mic would pick it up um we aren't sponsored by buddha box but it'd be a lot cooler if we were so poured a glass of that nighthawk black dark malbec from argentina rip writing
smooth [ __ ] you know i was like oh she's just coming up with those words she's like those are her tasting notes and i was like oh they're on the box i wasn't but they are great tasting notes so so anyway you know what it is ripe rich and smooth ryder writer's dick precisely okay and really good job remembering the word for it i'm really proud thank you i've been practicing so yeah so she's developing these relationships with these four men and they're starting to trust her more and
like take her out places and stuff and um buying her lots of clothes and makeup and stuff like that and they're all warning her against diesel and they've been kind of like dancing around each other but they're all the other guys are like listen you might not survive him like straight up like sexually or just actually okay like you might not survive him which as a woman those are not the words i want to hear about a potential sexual partner you might not so i know you find him
arousing right you won't survive this so like but but not for just the reason that like in general i don't want to die more than that in my experience with men generally um when they promise you like you might not survive it it's gonna be like disappointing they're like you've never seen one this large and you're like you're right because it's not that large i have seen them that are that large right like last week honey come on now so anyway good good for your husband
good good for matt i was gonna say that would be my response back in the whole phase i am happily married now so we don't live like that anymore but anyway my poor husband so sorry honey so anyway uh she eventually winds up in diesel's dungeon because he has one and watches him like kill a dude and apparently she's real into that which is like um okay oh is this gonna be like one of those scenes where they like start boning next to the dead body and they're like and then like the blood
touched my foot and it increased my arousal i'm like that no it's so much worse than that oh so let me explain okay so much worse i'm here let me explain hold on i need i need a sip before we get there because except of your rich rice dark malbec the nighthawk black boda box it's not a soda hannah oh [ __ ] so anyway they killed this guy right and diesel [Music] so roxy and deep wait does roxie help diesel kill the guy or she just watches him kill the guy uh she helps a little bit but not a lot
and he at first diesel's super upset because she's like what are you doing and why are you doing that and he's like are you protecting him and she's like no i just am like you know you're not gonna enjoy it as much like if it goes too fast or something and i'm like what is happening right now and he like puts some kind of weird clam thing on the guy's dick and like shreds it off or something it's so it's a lot to deal with it's a lot to deal with and so then eventually diesel's like i'm
bored now and i'd really like to [ __ ] you so he lights a guy on fire oh my god yeah okay he's like i got the information i want and now i'm bored so he lights campfire which is coincidentally how he got the name diesel because he's super into fire so because he's an arsonist right and what i really appreciate about that is just the nuance you know like the nuance of the name obviously and i really like that like i like the author's attention to detail i like that kay knight was like oh
no i'm gonna name him diesel because he's into fire right right kind of like every book where they're like he's gonna be named liam black and he only wears black suits and i'm like and he has the darkest eyes always right but also then like i appreciate that and then also i really appreciate that she then was like you know this one is gonna be named garrett because i got it off of a baby naming website like like so i ran through my fun list of name options with kenzo diesel and ryder so i just
opened a baby name generator and i landed on garrett exactly so so the guy is like hanging from a meat hook obviously because that is the method of choice for most torture when you're doing it right so he just cuts the body down and then ties her up on the same meat hook that he just like barbecued a guy the man who he just like shredded his dick yeah and lit him on fire he's like okay well this is also an assembly line so like right removing the burned body putting up roxy precisely okay yeah
so then he starts like cutting her because they're into blood play and he still has the blood from the guy that he just killed on his hands and i'm like listen and she's talking about how like like slippery you know like i hate that word but that's the word that is used i hate that word deeply the more i read smut the more my list of words that i find like like shutter inducing it grows no there are some words that you're reading a scene and you're like you know like
this is erotic like i get why people would be aroused and then there's a word and you're like oh god you're like i like the juices from flats and i'm like no one needs slap no one needs juices no one like whatever arousal did exist is gone when you read those words i mean when i think of slippery i think of like a like a i forget the word for a an animal that is both water-based and land-based what is that amphibious amphibious of like an otter or a seal or something when i think of slippery
that's what i think of and i don't want to think of that when i'm reading smut generally but anyway like so garrett hooked roxie up to a measles no oh you're right am i bad not garrett diesel takes her up to a meat hook and the blood was slippery yes his hands were slippery from the blood from the burned body the yeah you're right this is more like i was like oh yeah like they're like boning next to the body and like some blood touches it's more and it gets worse so then so
also the guy that he killed apparently tried to kill garrett which is why like he had apparently been hired to kill the four so that's why he was being tortured and killed because they were trying to figure out who it was and just for the sake of the plot that obviously everyone is listening for it was the triad obviously who is their competitor in the town spoilers i know i know the triad i was like okay all right so anyway so they're banging but he's like cutting her up right and
he apparently gets into like a frenzy and she's like you don't want to kill me diesel like then all your fun would be over and he's like oh my god you're right i should stop so when he gets too aroused he okay yeah he gets a little too excited so her her complete submission is required right for him to not kill her apparently which okay so then i might and this like what is the submission i'm like yes i would like to not be killed here so i feel like whatever you ask me to say i'm probably
going to submit to i'm probably i think i'm adding too much nuance into this scene but also she's super into it apparently so then and this is where like we should have said probably at the beginning although the title of the podcast should kind of indicate this is not for children or anyone under the age of 18 but if you have any sort of weak constitution or i don't know qualms of any kind you should probably just fast forward through the next 30 seconds because he
then takes a the handle of a knife the knife that he was using to cut her up and like puts it in her ass right okay or at least it was the handle well until oh yeah okay yeah okay we got there until he then decides that he's gonna [ __ ] her from behind while the blade is still in her ass so he is a serious like shredding his thigh while [ __ ] her on this knife and again the blood is slippery in case you forgot blood is a liquid it is it is and she's all like our blood is mixing
like mmm and i'm like okay all right and that's how you get it but okay right i'm like i think that the blood brothers vision dies once you're like out of middle school yeah and then it's just also how you get stds right i'm more focused like even if we're gonna be blood brothers like that's a thing still as adults that we're gonna do it doesn't usually require like double penetration [Laughter] like it feels like it's normally more of like a handshake deal or for the blood
to be exchanged during sex you know like that's just a level that i feel is unnecessary but okay so that happens i have zero idea why your coworker was overwhelmed by this journey he he didn't even make it this far enough he did it oh god bless his sweet little heart he never survived i know poor thing i'm really hoping that once we get a little more like into it that he's gonna come on because i really feel like he needs to be here i just wanna yeah he should he should be here
so anyway also he just started a podcast um reviewing movies starting with twilight he told me they recorded the first episode earlier this week um while just like wicked drunk um and it wound up being an hour and a half long and so i texted him and asked the name and he said we're still working on it which i feel like is very on brand for this particular individual so anyway ryder then cuts her down and he's like oh my god you're perfect and she's like ryder cuts her down oh no no sorry
diesel okay diesel cuts her down and he's like oh my god you're perfect and she's like i know right so then he takes her back up to the apartment hands her off to kenzo who's like the sweet one who takes care of her and like cleans her up cleans the cuts yeah cleans her up and dresses the wounds after oh i forgot after she gives him stitches in his thigh diesel after she gives diesel stitches from where he cut himself from when the knife was yeah yeah okay yeah and apparently while she was like
dressed up he took pictures and sent it to the other vipers and they were like goddamn they were like we are not into that [Laughter] they're like cool so like we respect what you're into kind of like my friend who was like hey chelsea if you're in to bestiality i support you i'm not here to join you no no no no i'm not yeah yeah okay so they were like hey thanks for sending these pictures along we probably aren't going to put a knife handle first up her ass that's going to
cut our thighs while we bone right okay right although other things are inserted later just for the record like like sharp no no like a glass bottle which is horrifying to me because i feel like one good clinch and we're just ruining it you break that that is like a darwin award yeah yeah like i hope you haven't been doing your kegels because years ago this is going to sound weird because of the podcast we're on um i worked in youth ministry [Laughter] and i
it was like my very first week working at this church don't mind the wine sounds happening that rich ripe and smooth nighthawk black dark malbec from argentina yes like it was like my first week working at this church they flew me out like go staff this camp like meet all of my future students i think was our first day at camp we had a student who brought bottle rockets and then he thought it would be funny also i one of my other favorite things is his mother was on staff at the church
with me and she's awesome and hilarious um but her son decided to launch a bottle rocket out of his ass but here's the thing you know the thing about bottle rockets they shoot off and if you get nervous and clench the bottle rocket does not release as it does yeah and for anyone who thought maybe i want to try that i do want to let you know he did get second-degree burns around the rim of his [ __ ] from the bottle rocket that um did not launch successfully
i guess successfully as a relative i was going to say i don't think it's successful if you burn your [ __ ] but i'm not diesel so i feel like diesel would be like it's not successful unless you burn your ass i would agree i would agree so anyway so kenzo cleans her up and then he's like oh my god you're perfect and she has been getting closer to writer who likes to like randomly [ __ ] her in his office like there's just a lot of banging going on at this juncture
and she's starting to get closer to garrett as well and she's like i find your scars sexy and he's like really and she's all yes because they remind me of mine because she's also covered in scars because her father was super abusive and she ran away when she was like 16 or 17 and then was taken in by this guy named rich who owned the bar that she owned eventually and he died of cancer um oh wow what a journey it is a whole journey it's a whole whole journey so anyway so they're getting closer
she finally gets to bang garrett which is very exciting for her because she like chains herself to his bed because he's like afraid of touching women because apparently his ex-girlfriend drugged him and then sexually assaulted him while like carving up his chest holy [ __ ] man on the day that he was gonna propose to her what is even happening here i i like i thought i was prepared i'm like i read a lot of smut no um i don't no i was not fully prepared for this journey
although it does put another book on my radar that i want to review at a future date and time yes uh 654 pages of just wide open like wide open roxy's legs were wide open they sure were among other things so then um ryder discovers ps all this happens within the span of like a week like this is not an extended period of time like she has been kept by them for like a cool six days so [Music] well trauma bonding or something so with like a sprinkle of the stockholm
syndrome like i don't know but it's not a good look for anybody so then ryder discovers that he is deeply in love with her and he's very controlled very buttoned up he's you know the protector the leader of the group whatever and so he's like if we keep her here against her will she'll never love us like her spirit that we love will wither and die so he goes to the rest of the group and he's like we need to let her go and they're like because we love her we love to let her go because we love her
and um the other guys are like the [ __ ] and he's like no for real like that's what we need to do so it they do they do so garrett and diesel are so upset by this revelation that they leave leaving kenzo and ryder to deliver the news that she is now free um oh i forgot they also bought her a car at one point in the whole situation why wouldn't they obviously yeah so oh and i also forgot she did attempt to escape one time and almost got away um in writer's favorite silver mercedes
i think and so she then destroyed it with a crowbar after she failed to escape i all right like once again not trying to therapize anyone here sure but we are therapists as well that's actually y'all fun fact that's how we met um we worked at the same company hannah actually trained me and is now no longer with the company um yeah hannah trained me in our first week we're both like we like to read a lot and then we're like oh yeah like we're like testing those waters and we're like
yeah like i you know like i read some like controversial like smut and like hannah's casually like yeah i mean like like throws out they're like i like four psychos i was like oh like four cycles that's great oh thank god we can be friends so that's where this started was that we're just two therapists that realize we read all of the same smut yep um but yeah like not to therapize her would i like her to develop some healthier coping skills outside of property damage sure yeah
like the crowbar is a lot like the bat at the bar but like i get like you need that for protection and she did fight off the four enforcers she did she did um so like i mean like i guess there's a balance and i do feel like everyone here is a little emotionally reactive i would agree to put it very mildly yeah yeah [Laughter] i would say that you're correct and i also don't want to be any of these characters therapists that sounds no although diesel is highly entertaining and i will tell you why
oh no so one day so okay so so she let me finish this bit because it plays into all this so she writer is unable to get the words out that she's allowed to go so kenzo tells her that she's free and she like takes a beat and then she runs and gets in the car that they bought for her and is about to drive away and then she's like wait a minute i love them and then she gets out of the car and kenzo is there and he's like i couldn't let you go and then um garrett and diesel show up
and they're like we're not letting you go we would have chased you anywhere because we love you and she's like that's great because i love you too and then they go back up and then ryder's like [ __ ] so you're back all right well now you have to be punished and then there's like a whole scene where they all just like use all the holes and do all the things and it is a lot yeah that's a lot so that happens and then like two days later diesel oh so diesel calls her little bird that's
important he calls her little bird i don't know why but that is the nickname he has chosen for her which coincidentally the reason why he flipped out and set the guy on fire that time um was because that time that time was because he said to the guy he was torturing he was like thank little bird for helping you or something and the guy was like thank you little bird and he was like what did you say to her did you just call her little bird and then he set him on fire
um because apparently nobody else is allowed to call her that right i mean that's that wording is on diesel that he created a confusing situation there i mean diesel was gonna set him on fire either way you know you know that's valid i don't think i'm sitting there being like in my head i'm bargaining where i'm like if the guy hadn't called her little bird maybe he wouldn't have been burned i mean his penis was already shredded like you know he was alive he was alive it was part of the torture
which makes me nauseous personally and i don't even have a penis so roxy returns to all of them they explore all of the holes yes in a myriad of ways and so then yay we're back together roxy is staying of her own volition and then the next day at the breakfast table because they always have breakfast together the next day at the breakfast five of them have breakfast all five okay you know it's cute to have traditions it's important to make sure that we're checking in with
each other regularly you know so diesel is like little bird i have something to show you and like opens his shirt and he got a tattoo of a little bird over his heart and she's like oh christ on a crutch like what is happening and he's like it's just a show that like i'm yours and you're mine and it's like oh but also like okay so anyway and there's more well like with diesel there's clearly no take-backs none whatsoever like you're like oh no i've committed to
this now and when it's told from his perspective multiple times he says like in his head or out loud i mean i might kill her someday but like i'm real into it right now okay so anyway that happens and then um okay so this is like my favorite scene of the book because it's just like whoa like what happened to you ka knight that you thought of this so obviously our our listeners have not seen me i'm pretty heavily covered in tattoos chelsea also has several tattoos
roxy is also covered in tattoos wears a lot of yeah she's a lot of tattoos and wears a lot of black because she's all edgy and she has a thigh piece that was not finished and she had an appointment to get it finished but they were like another man will never touch you so obviously garrett is a very talented tattoo artist but he only does it for fun so of course so and he has done all the tattoos that all the guys have so garrett is like i'll finish it for you and she's like okay
but uh diesel discovers that the pain from tattoos really turns her on like a lot and so she's all like squirmy and he's garrett is like what is happening right now and diesel's like she's wicked wet is what's happening right now and garrett's like the [ __ ] so then diesel is like garrett's like garrett's not on diesel's level he's like i was just trying to do this tattoo i was just trying to offer a favor he's like i'm into the spanking situation but this is a lot so
the solution they come up with is like so diesel is hard because he's always hard and he has roxy basically like get on him while garrett is finishing the tattoo and then they know as someone who has a decent amount of tattoos i can unequivocally say no at no point have i ever been like i should hop on someone's dick while someone has a needle right on my skin also because like unless you're just doing is it the mormons that do like soaking is that what it's called yeah like unless you're
just soaking um there's movement and i don't feel like movement is what i want to have when i'm getting a tattoo so that's part of the whole like sexy challenge is they're not allowed to move throughout and then obviously when they finish diesel does move when the tattoo is finished i mean diesel does move and then roxy blows garrett at the same time this is like a spit roasting situation yeah okay i have a very clear image of what's happening so anyway that's one of my favorite scenes because
it's just from start to finish like what the [ __ ] is happening right now like what is happening and like why am i reading this and what choices did i make in my life that led me to this like it it troubled me more than the knife in the ass and i don't know what that says about me but it did have you talked to your therapist i've talked to my therapist about a lot of things thank you for checking so anyway um so then they fall into this rhythm of not quite domestic bliss where you know
they're doing their criminal things and stuff yeah they're just like they get into the rhythm of like cool it's like we're all still the mafia going against the triad precisely um and now we just have consistent sex with the same person and before we were the mafia with the enemies of the triad correct who had sex with randos correct and um they had not previously shared so this was like a you know sometime like like a like a choose your own adventure sort of combination situation
so that's all going on and then as often happens in mafia books roxy is kidnapped not abducted not abducted she is not taken to space she stayed on earth so she was kidnapped william shatner was not involved so i don't know why all i could think about just now was to him the the video of him getting off the little space capsule thing with jeff bezos that's all i could think about anyway so roxy remains on earth and is kidnapped by the triad obs and it happens because the woman who
tortured garrett shows up and he thought that diesel had killed her and it turns out that diesel did in fact set her on fire so half of her face is melted and she's missing an eye which is a lot of it's a lot of imagery like it's it's a lot to drink in so and garrett sees her and is like what the [ __ ] and so she gets close enough to him to steal his phone so she then texts roxy from garrett's phone and says i need you at this address so she goes and then roxy
kills a lot of people but is still in fact kidnapped and taken away by the triad so then obviously all four guys are flipping the [ __ ] out and garrett feels very responsible for the entire situation and because he i guess he kind of was so like and that guilt was not misplaced i mean if he was a client i would be like you are not responsible for the choices of others but as a book character who's like a mafia person like it's your [ __ ] fault dude like where's your
situational awareness you know but anyway so all the guys are flipping out they're trying to figure out where she is through all of this it is then exposed that ryder killed his and kenzo's dad who was super abusive and their mom had committed suicide it's all very tragic and so oh and we also find out that diesel's mom was a drug addict who like sold him to men a lot when he was younger and then she oh you mean he didn't just wake up loving to set people on fire he didn't
because then what happened was his mom apparently owed a dealer a lot of money and so he raped and killed her and then set her on fire and diesel was like found her and then he went on a rampage and found the guy that did that and then set him on fire and then his dick got hard and then he just loved setting people on fire ever since i would assume although it's not explicitly stated i would assume that that was the course of events so they're all flipping out and then they
figure out that roxy is being kept by the triad at the hotel where ryder killed their dad all right that they had then left abandoned okay question just so i know is this now the finale of the book we're getting close okay because i was like i was like i know it's a long book but in my head i was like this doesn't feel like it's going to happen at the 50 percent margin no we're very near the end here okay um so this is honestly like my favorite part of the book because it is actually
[ __ ] hilarious so roxy wakes up upside down attached to a meat hook like swinging around in a basement somewhere which on its own is not funny but what is funny is roxy's thought process because she's like swinging around and she's looking around the room trying to figure out where she is and if she's like diesel is one of the dudes i'm in love with i feel very comfortable on a meat hook we'll get there oh god because she's swinging around and she sees like a
a porno magazine has been like like put up on the wall and she's like she has nice tits focus roxy and it's like wow and then the triad guy comes in and she's like this is not the way to start torture because i'm gonna pass out from being upside down for so long like you guys are doing it wrong and so he brings in this guy who's also apparently a an expert in torture or something and obviously he has like a blue mohawk or some [ __ ] and another guy who's like his
assistant and so they cut roxy down they tie her to a chair and they like she's passed out again so they come in she wakes up and she's like hey everybody my uh safe word is bubbles is everybody ready to get started and i'm like i love this and i know that i shouldn't like like implicitly i know that i shouldn't but i really do like my safe word is bubbles and i use that all the time and most people don't know that like they don't they don't know what it's you mean when you
casually say my safe word is bubbles in daily life people aren't suddenly like oh [ __ ] you're a k a night fan i 100 said that like in our group chat one day at work we were talking about something i don't remember i don't remember what we were talking about but i was like that sounds like torture for the record my safe word is bubbles and nobody responded to that and then i felt weird about it but it was already done so anyway when i think when i hear bubbles i think of the powerpuff girls
so like that is where i'm like my favorite is bubbles because i'm super into the powerpuff girls is literally how i'm imagining that that too and then obviously the guy is like i'm a torture person like there is no safe word so then he tortures her a lot is she into it no okay no in fact she just continues to taunt him she's like you're doing it wrong like you're obviously an amateur like diesel's better sorry which is like okay all right uh anyway so the guys figure out where she is
and they are going to mount a rescue and for whatever reason they decide that it should only be the four of them even though they have like hundreds of people who work for them they're like no we're gonna storm this hotel and take on the triad on our own to be fair their enforcers were taken out by a young girl with a bat so i don't fault their logic yeah yeah that's fair that's fair so they're in the car getting ready to go in and diesel is like bouncing like like like super excited
and they're like dude are you okay like what is happening you're being weirder than normal and he was like it's all good man i just shot myself with some adrenaline i'm ready to go and then they like look back at him and he is he's wearing a fanny pack um that has a glitter unicorn on it all right so hmm so the guys are like what is happening with the fanny pack right now because obviously that's the most important thing like they know roxy's being held and tortured
by the triad right now but like we need to know what's up with the [ __ ] fanny pack right like yeah yeah we'll get to her but before then can we ask about the sequence precisely okay um and he's like uh it's just my case of emergency stuff don't worry about it and they're like all right i guess so they storm in lots of things go boom they kill lots of people they rescue roxy but she heard them coming for her so she like got herself out of the chair and killed the assistant guy who
uh the assistant to the torturer guy and uh because obviously she had like all of her toenails forcibly removed but she was able to then get out of a chair by dislocating her shoulder and then take on a man who's like three times her size obviously so with barbed wire still like in her skin so they get her and then they're like cool now we gotta get out so it's the whole thing they're trying to get out and then roxy then notices the fanny pack um but while they're hiding behind a
table being shot at which is obviously the opportune moment to ask what is up with the fanny pack and he is like she's like what are you what are you keeping in there and he's like grenades and sometimes tacos and she's like um what and he's like sometimes i get peckish midfield so i have been on a perpetual search for a sequined fanny pack with a unicorn on it ever since we can make you one we can just like get a sequin fanny pack and a unicorn patch i don't
think that this is out of our wheelhouse to come to to bring to fruition i mean i don't know i mean i guess i could keep tacos in it i don't have regular access to grenades but i mean there's multiple pockets usually right so like you have a taco pocket you have a grenade pocket they don't go in the same pocket cause that's bad news bears and nothing good happens when you keep grenades and tacos in the same pocket that is so true that is so true so i do think my husband just overheard
us and found an 11 unicorn fanny pack that is covered in sequins yeah it says cute kids travel waste bag waist back christmas gift for girls helpful like does it look like something that you would get for five dollars at walmart yes is this 11 on amazon so [ __ ] you jeff bezos also yes so i don't know if you guys have noticed but i feel it's really important to point out at this juncture the secondary purpose for this podcast is to mock jeff bezos i didn't know that until now but like
now that we're here i'm on board it feels right you know yeah no it does i'm like jeff also have you seen pictures of him recently and like you have been [ __ ] lifting but is that what's happening i think because he's just gotten new skin suits it is his tuesday skin suit that's what it is he hasn't been lifting on wednesdays he gets a little shrimpy again but tuesdays were from a bodybuilder right right right yes so they he they rescue her she has she sees the unicorn fanny pack and is
like thank you but also we do need to address this and he's like right yeah grenades and tacos i still don't see what the problem is precisely so then um they split up i don't remember why but i'm sure there was a very reasonable explanation so garrett and kenzo go up to the roof the others are looking for the member of the triad the leader of the triad who's in the place and they kill him um kind of brutally and then the torturer guy decides to come at them with a
chainsaw and diesel just sort of trips him like it's not even like a like a fight he just kind of trips him and he falls to his death which felt anticlimactic to me but okay well like given all of the other things that people have survived in this book it does feel like a few stairs isn't where you thought it was going to go well it was like off a balcony oh i should have said that it was off a balcony but it was inside it was like an internal balcony like over a courtyard yeah
i guess i mean that would still hurt yeah it wouldn't be great i mean i i wouldn't do that voluntarily personally unless there's a trampoline under it or a pool you know with a deep end i do feel like that's a common scene in action movies where they all like jump into the pool as the building is exploding behind them but that's not what happened in this book and this book just he went over the balcony and i died yeah um but since there's since diesel was there i assume that there might be the
opportunity for fire um not yet because then they're hot then they're like wait a minute where are kenzo and garrett so it turns out kenzo has been stabbed on the roof and garrett has been kidnapped so they're like oh my stars we have to help kenzo i mean they didn't say oh my stars because that's not really the tone no it does seem like something they'd say we're a bunch of mafia kings but this silly [ __ ] kenzo yeah no that's not that's not like the vibe that they're
going for you know valid fair enough um that's just me so they get kenzo out they get him to a doctor and then they're like we have to save garrett oh so then they go on this like rampage killing all the triad people like all the people who work for the triad and then they kill another one of the triads so it's three brothers obviously because it's tri means three so triad like the triad believe it or not is not four guys no three guys it is not in fact a quad so
three guys so they kill him and then the one at the that had kidnapped roxy and then they kill another one trying to find garrett and it turns out that the ex-girlfriend who had attempted to kill garrett previously and that diesel then set on fire had made a deal with the triad to take down the vipers so that she could torture and kill garrett for whatever reason she like really did not like him but like i guess but garrett was not the one who set her on fire so i do feel like some of her anger
might be a little misplaced i would agree yeah valid yeah yeah so anyway they then go in to rescue garrett from the triad and then they kill the other triad guy um and then they blow up the whole [ __ ] house like so so diesel does get us fire like all that happens and then they're like oh my god we love you and then they're recovering and they give roxy her bar back because she really wanted her business but they help her turn it into a franchise and they're
like oh my god we love you and then they build a house that does have a dungeon but it is only for play they're very clear about that's good you know way to set boundaries around your dungeon right if you want to do more serious things there you do need to build a second one that's not what this one is for so the intention is for the work torture to occur at the um building that they owned with the apartment that was in it that his original dungeon like the og dungeon is where business occurs
the home dungeon is for pleasure if you can call it that so uh yeah and then the epilogue is that they um threaten a judge with bodily harm to get him to marry the the five of them even though that's really not legal like here's the thing even if they threaten a judge with bodily harm i don't think that like no that's actually possible no we can't file the paperwork for that yeah no i feel like that's gonna get bogged down in the court system and just all of the paperwork hell
when my husband and i got married my all right so my mother her mother was like why would i give my daughter a middle name if she's just gonna get rid of it when she gets married and so my mother never had a middle name growing up mine doesn't either is that the reason i don't know i think my grandmother was just too drunk to worry about it well so my mom doesn't have a maiden name um she doesn't have a baby no not nothing she doesn't have a milk she doesn't have a middle number very much
she was just like cher just the one thing kristen she's just kristin see ya um and when we when my husband and i were trying to get married and had to fill out like our like application they like we were at the courthouse and they were like i'm sorry we can't accept this unless we have your middle your mother's middle name list and i was like she doesn't have one like i have nothing to put there and they're like whoo that is a problem and i was like so like my mother not having a middle name
growing up almost stopped my husband and i from getting a marriage license so i don't feel like just being like just because we threatened this judge like i don't think that the court system is suddenly going to view a five-person marriage as legal like no offense like live your life sure love is love obviously and blood play is blood blood and and consent is optional apparently apparently indented vipers consent is um it's more of a moving target it's implied
she was into it once right so now she's always into it it's implied okay um which is horrifying to think about and i'm really sorry i brought it up anyway so the epilogue they threaten to kill a judge they can all legally get married yeah and then i guess they live happily ever after and that is deniverse okay so how do we rate nintendo vipers as a whole so because of diesel's love of fire i'm gonna say like five flame emojis five flame emojis five flames out of how many flame emojis seven
oh damn [Music] five out of seven i'm not great at math i can't do that math either frankly i made that up it's like 71 yeah so i mean it is a journey right from start to finish what do you mean that's not right surely that's not right i put it on my calculator your your husband is trying to check it right now that's why i'm just trying to check it because we all know like y'all i was
once at an escape room and some 71. okay i did it right um 71 like 0.4 or something like that yeah i was once had an escape room where there was some basic math involved and i did all of the math and i second guess myself and you know like when you're at an escape room and you don't have to use a clue like you don't have to ask for one but like every now and then they'll just like give you one to be like this will make it easier yeah they were like here's the math baby girl you did not thrive at
this um and they were not wrong yeah i mean i came a therapist for a very specific reason and and that reason is that i don't have to do math unless you're doing like assessments no and so my way around that is just not doing it i've never run into that issue because i don't do them yeah that's fair i have interns do them and that is what i call a learning opportunity for interns i'm a gatekeeper for the profession thank you you're welcome okay without me you would not have such great
clinical experience precisely okay so yeah five out of seven flame emojis [Music] it is a journey from start to finish and there is humor in there and so the the reason that it's not like a seven out of seven at this juncture would be that like like what the [ __ ] though like like the reason it's not a seven out of seven is because like did you hear the review of the book i just gave i mean so it's highly entertaining so if we're looking at entertainment value only like
you will read this book and you'll go through it so fast that at the end you'll be like what the [ __ ] just happened to me unless we're your co-worker and then we'll get like a few pages and then be like i'm out it's a little too much for me but anyway it's highly entertaining the story is ridiculous but also like kind of fun so you know like that's that's it that's i don't have i don't know what else to say about that yeah so what i essentially hear saying is if
you're into mafia reverse harem and blood play this is an ideal book for you yes and i really appreciate that you used your reflective listening skills just then yes and that is where the therapy part comes into this i just active listen through most of them and my reflective listen you did and you nailed it and i'm really proud of you i'm not taking new clients for the record yeah we're hoping this becomes our livelihood so if everybody could subscribe that'd be awesome yes please
like please subscribe please leave a five star review if you find us funny and if you don't find us funny don't leave a review we would only like five star reviews and nothing else so just like keep your negative thoughts to yourself yeah or just leave a five star review and don't write anything with it because great compromise because like do you really want people like us being therapists at this point like now that you've heard this honestly you need to give this to us
because this is who we are in the therapy room and also out of the happy road for the good of the masses yes so with that um good night and good luck i think i think you know we covered as much as we're going to cover this episode is that what we did yeah i think we did i have no idea how long i talked so [Laughter] you covered that book thoroughly i left out so much too oh no i did so if you want to know more like obviously read it i guess or find hannah on social media i'll tell
you i get excited so yes all right we love you guys we don't know you yet but we love you mm-hmm thank you for listening and we hope you have a wonderful rest of your day yep bye