Turtles vs Rabbits

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Raints on universe.

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From the brains behind brains on it smashed. Whoom best.

The show for people with big opinions.

Two things, smash them together, and add.

the tortoise and the hare, one slow and steady, the other fast, footloose, and fancy-free? Well, today we're turning that tale into a rocking debate for the ages. It's turtles versus rabbits. Bouncing in for Bunnies is comedian Tim Platt.

I don't think I need to do much but repeat Molly's amazing choice of words. Fast, footloose, and fancy-free. Though I will add this, my freak can hop. Bunnies only fail in fables. In the real world, they're out of this world.

Hmm, very good. And here to talk up turtles is comedian Faria Khan.

Listen, turtles might be low and slow, but just like when you're cooking a delicious meal at home with a little

Yeah.

And our judge for this super animal showdown is Tao from Montclair, New Jersey. Teo loves cooking and makes a mean chicken Alfredo. They love board games, science experiments, and all kinds of music. Teo is also allergic to so many animals, which hopefully won't be a problem for today's debate. Welcome Teo.

Bye.

So Taya, what animals are you allergic to?

Oh my gosh, I'm allergic to cats, dogs, birds.

And I think that's it. But like all species of birds sent Okay.

That is good to know. You can't be a vet one day, but... You can admire them from a distance. So how do you feel about rabbits and turtles, would you say?

I love rabbits and turtles. I've always wanted both.

Wonderful. And you're not allergic to either of those animals, right?

I do not believe I am.

So you love music. So pretend you're making me a mix. What are the first three songs or bands you're gonna put on the mix?

Okay. So there is this really, really cool cover band that I listened to. They're called True Blood. I actually went to their concert a few weeks ago. They would definitely be on the playlist. A lot of like Video game music from like backgrounds of games, definitely.

Nice.

And a little bit of Tyler the Creator, because I love Tyler the Creator.

Nice. And okay, so you love to cook too. What are your s what's your favorite thing to cook right now?

Oof, definitely still chicken alfredo. I love chicken alfredo.

Is there any like special secret ingredient you put in? Or is that a secret and you can't tell us?

I really can't tell you. Oof.

Okay.

Yeah.

So what advice do you have for Tim and Faria today?

I think that you guys have to be yourselves and be funny and you will get points.

Excellent, excellent advice. We'll see if Tao picks team rabbits or team turtles, but first here are the rules of the game. Every debate consists of four rounds, the Declaration of Greatness, the Micro Round, the Sneak Attack, and the Final Six. After each round, our Judge Tao will award points to the team that impresses them the most, but they'll keep their decisions top secret until the end of the debate. Listeners, we

I'm ready.

Yes I am.

I'm ready to tumble slow and low.

Oh, yeah.

Then it's time for the

Declaration of the

In this round, our debaters will present a well-crafted, immersive argument in favor of their side. Then they'll each have 30 seconds to rebut their opponents' statements. We flip to coin, and Furria, you're up first. Tell us why turtles are totally triumphant.

Oh hey, you caught me at the perfect time. I was just putting up decorations for the event of the season. The world's biggest turtle celebration party or should I say celebration? I've been planning this party for literally minutes since this debate started, and I already know it's gonna be the best party in the history of parties. Because these reptiles are remarkable. They're super survivors with amazing bodies and the chillest vibes imaginable.

Those are absolute Ancient in the coolest way possible.

Years.

Which also means they outlived Massive triceratops the ferocious Velociraptor. The mighty T-Rex.

Or a ridiculous.

Mm-hmm large ice sculpture of a turtle?

I did for the party and to make a point. Because some hibernating turtles can live for months in freezing cold, ice covered ponds and lakes.

The turtle has

That it uses to breathe. Usually it has to swim.

Survive in a completely frozen pond or lake where it can't come up to the surface for air? The answer, my friends, butt breathing. Yeah, it breathes through its butt. Instead of taking a big breath of air with its lungs, the turtle absorbs the air from the water with its butt. And then when springtime comes and the ice melts Our incredible butt breathing buddies swim to the surface and carry on with their lives as normal.

Did someone order a second ridiculously large eye sculpture of a turtle?

So again, me put it next to the other one. This one is to illustrate that turtles are hard like ice. Specifically their shells, which are actually part of their skeleton. That tough armor is made up of more than fifty separate pieces and covered in keratin, the same stuff your hair and fingernails are made of, and it can regrow and heal if damaged.

Okay, I'm guessing you also ordered this third ridiculously large turtle ice sculpture to make some kind of point.

You got me because like a chunk of ice, turtles are super chill. There's a lot of pressure to move fast, fast, fast.

Hippity hoppity animal I won't name. But here's the thing. Always moving fast is exhausting. It can make it harder to appreciate the world around you. Turtles, on the other hand,

No.

Know that moving slow is where it's at. They have plenty of time to enjoy munching

Or cool breeze on their shelves. There and no right.

Oh, looks like my guests are starting to arrive for the party. Hi guys!

Three ridiculously large turtle ice sculptures?

Wow!

Oh my gosh, turtles everywhere!

Come on in, fellow turtle lovers.

I love turtles. I like that one over there.

So, to recap, turtles are incredible survivors and butt breathers who know how to slow. Enjoy life's simple pleasures. Now, let's celebrate for team turns.

Turtle power indeed. Teo, what stood out to you about Ferria's declaration?

I did not know that turtles could uh breathe through their butts. It's very interesting.

Very interesting indeed. Speaking of butts, Tim, it's time for your rebuttal. You get thirty seconds to run laps around Team Turtle's arguments, and your time starts.

No.

Turtles are ancient? Turtles outlived the Triceratops, Velociraptor, and T-Rex, and you want me to celebrate that? I love those guys. Seems like maybe the turtle had something to do with their extinction. I don't know. It just doesn't sit doesn't sit right with me. You're telling me turtles uh they uh breathe out of their butt? Look, I'm a normal guy. I prefer it when animals fart out of their butts, and I don't think I'm alone here.

Yes, thank you, Tim, for that insightful commentary. I do have some issues. The fact that you are really downplaying the butt breathing. Shows me that your fast hippity hop ways can't slow down to smell the roses. Because, honey, that's the coolest fact I've ever heard.

Oh wow. There is a lot of enthusiasm. For these animals. Will Tim talk about bunny butts?

Today's episode is sponsored by Great Wolf Lodge. At Great Wolf Lodge, there's adventure for the whole family. You and your pack can splash away in the indoor water park where it's always 84 degrees. There's a massive wave pool, a lazy river, and tons of water slides for your pack to enjoy together. And the fun doesn't stop there. Get ready to explore and play at adventure packed attractions. A live action game that There's also a bunch of

Okay, we're back. It's Turtles versus Rabbits, and Team Rabbit is about to set the pace and make their case. Let's hear it, Tim.

Bunnies are the best. I know because I have a BBF. A best bunny friend. Come out here, Walt.

I said a hip, hop, hibbity hobbity, and you don't stop rockin' with the rabbit. Come on now! Walt the rabbit here.

Walt and I met when I accidentally pulled him out of a top hat at an amateur magician's night last Thursday.

Yeah, I'm not so sure how science works.

But we're back.

That's his butts now.

Walt, are you wearing the top hat I pulled you out of?

Sure am you like?

I don't like it. I love it. Top hats or not, bunnies are some of the most adorable animals around. I'm talking capital C cuties, the tiny noses

Our disproportionately large

Ears.

And don't even get me started on the fluff factory. Yeah.

I believe the scientific term is but pom-pom.

Bunny rabbits are also extremely quick. Did you know that some rabbits can run up to forty-five miles per hour and jump three feet in the air?

All the speedier to outrun or outleap our predators!

Rabbits also have incredible ears. Their ears help a bunny keep a comfy body temperature and they can rotate the ears up to 270 degrees, so bunnies can pinpoint the smallest of sounds from far away.

Us bunnies can even move one ear one at a time! Like fluffy satellite dishes. Here, watch!

Meanwhile, do turtles even have ears?

And if you think 270 degree spinning ears are impressive, did you know we have nearly 360 degree vision?

That's right, because rabbits' eyes are on either side of their head, they have amazingly wide vision.

I don't even have to move my fuzzy face to look up at the sky above. It's a great party trick. Speaking of tricks, wanna jump in my top hat?

Might be kinda snug, but I'll try.

Whoa

Did you take me down a littoral rabbit hole? I know!

I should be the one at Amateur Magician Thursdays.

Welcome. Warren. I've read about these warrens are networks of underground tunnels and burrows that some rabbits dig to keep warm and safe together.

Yeah, unlike turtles, us rabbits are social creatures who thrive off of a community.

Uh what's up?

Well Is that your best human friend?

Just giving Tim a tour of the place. I love communal living here. 20 roommates? The dream! Don't worry, we've got a chore chart.

I have to say, for so many, you're all pretty quiet.

Those rabbits like to communicate with very subtle body language A nose twitch here, a slight head turn there. If there's danger, we thump our feet fast to send a warning vibration out to others.

Oh, like that?

No, that's just code for carrots are tonight's dessert. Hop back in the hat! Come on!

Whatever you say, Walt. Are we in the Rabbit Hall of Fame?

My carrots. Of course.

There's the Easter Bunny, Judy Hops from Zootopia, Thumper from Bambi, The Velvetine Rabbit, Peter Rabbit, Roger Rabbit, Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh, Lola Bunny, the Energizer Bunny, Buster Baxter from Arthur, and who could forget Bugs Bug.

Well we do bring the whimsy, yes.

Yeah, like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, who led Alice to an adventure of a lifetime.

Us rabbits have been manic pixie dreaming way before TikTok made that a cool trend.

Whether it's dominating pop culture, inspiring imagination, or being the cutest, speediest fluffballs in town, bunnies are the best.

And that's all, folks. Time for carrot.

Dessert.

I want to split a carrot dessert with a BBF. Alright, Taya, what stood out to you about Tim's arguments?

I did not know that they communicated through body language. That's pretty cool.

Super cool. Fria, you get thirty seconds to rip Tim's arguments to shreds, and your time begins right now.

Okay, Mr Rabbit Tim. Sure, it's cool about communicating with body language and their ears can move a lot, but can they breathe out their butt? Honey, I don't think so. Yeah, that three hundred six sixty degree vision, more like spooky spies. What are you doing over there? Stop looking at me. And and I gotta say. Sure, they have their affinity for the magic community. I respect that. But the way they're

And time.

He yeah, you're darn right. I totally agree. It is cool the way they communicate with their bodies. And I also think that no, I'm glad they don't breathe out of their butts. Am I am I crazy am I crazy to be the only person to say I'm glad rabbits don't breathe out of their butts?

Yeah.

Tao, it is time to award some points. Please give one point to the declaration of greatness that you liked best and one point to the The rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team have stronger points? Did another show more passion? Award your points, but don't tell us who they're going to.

Have you made your decision?

I have

Excellent. Free and Tim, how are you feeling so far?

You know, Faria, we're friends. We uh we're friends from outside of this program and it it's hard to compete against a friend, but when I hear you being so wrong and so unfair about rabbits, I'm like

Tim. Oh Tim, we've been friends for many years, but I see you're doing your tricks again. You little tricky magician man. I think turtles deserve the time and respect for all they've overcome. And if you don't see that, sir, well I guess I'll be rethinking this friendship.

What do you think of this friendship? You know what? Even though I would question the friendship, I would never rethink it. I can't believe you would.

Oh my gosh, the stakes are high today. It is time for a quick break. Stretch those long legs and polish those shells.

And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best.

It's a state of debate, home to raging rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation.

Oh hey, debate buddies! I'm here with the exquisitely dressed Todd Douglas.

It's me, and I'm with the swellest smiler, Taylor Lincoln.

No.

Thanks, pal.

Did you do something different with your hair? It looks divine.

Why yes, I tried washing it. And Todd, your nails are so well trimmed.

Yeah.

Nail hygiene is my passion.

Aren't compliments the best? But you know what's the worst? A logical fallacy.

Those are bad arguments that hurt your case. And we saw a nasty fallacy dealt by one of the sweetest people in the world, the compliment fairy.

Ooh, the compliment fairy used the ad hominem fallacy. That's when you attack someone's character instead of their ideas. Let's listen.

Hello Sarah. Your curls are a ray of sunshine. Mac, didn't I tell you I love your singing voice? Charlie, I heard you aced your math test. You're the smartest kid in the world.

Thanks compliment fairy, but don't be silly.

Silly? Oh heavens no. I'm just telling you how you're the most intelligent little tyke.

Yeah, but how would you know if I'm the most intelligent? Have you surveyed all the little types in the world? Plus, how are you defining intelligence? Even education professionals struggle to define intelligence. Furthermore, what constitutes a little tyke, or a kid for that matter? Are you comparing my intelligence to that of a teenager or a baby? Because that hardly seems fair.

See, all of your quibbles just serve to emphasize how incomparably smart you are.

Frankly, your lack of insight into the compliment you gave me calls into question the authenticity of your compliments in the past.

Well of course you wouldn't agree you're the smartest kid, because you're just a know-it-all, aren't you?

Ouch, not cool.

Yeah and even with the best intentions, you can still make a fallacy. By the way, the compliment fairy did apologize to Charlie right after this, and trust me, it was the most sincere apology ever.

Good to hear. But can we be sure it was the most sincere ever?

Drop it, Todd. We'll see you next time on.

You're listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host, Molly Bloom.

And I'm your George Tayo.

And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners like this one.

Hello, my name's Xiao Chun. I live in Singapore and my debate suggests It's house versus hotel.

Oh, that's a fun twist on the hotels vs camping debate from earlier this season.

We'll check back in at the end of this episode to see which side Xiao Chen thinks should win.

And now back to rabbits vs. Turtles.

Get ready for round two. It's the

Micro round.

Tim and Faria, you will each get three chances to make a micro argument backed by a cool fact. Faria started things off last round, so Tim, you get to go first this time. Let's hear your first rabbit fact.

Fact number one A rabbit's teeth never stop growing. They are kept at bay by chewing on things like twigs and bark. So without rabbits, our neighborhood twigs and bark would remain unchomped by teeth, a fate worse than becoming firewood.

Turtles must be doing something right, because they live long. Like long, long. The oldest known living land animal is a turtle. That's currently over a hundred and ninety years old. His name? Is Jonathan.

Amazing.

Ha ha ha.

You know, I understand that turtles can live for a long time. But rabbits live everywhere. There are rabbits on every continent in this planet except for Antarctica, and you can't hold that against them'cause so few animals actually live in Antarctica. Please don't hold that against them. In fact celebrate how many other places they tend to be.

Okay, cool. But let me just say, turtles are pop culture legends. Yeah, there's the teenage mutant ninja turtles, who are some of the most recognizable heroes in the world. There's Bowser from Mario. He's a type of turtle called a Koopa, and one of the most recognizable villains in the world. And there's Crush and the other sea turtles from Finding Nemo, who are famous for being some of the most chill beings in the entire world.

Uh this is not my fact, but I have to just say that like you heard my declaration of greatness. I can't believe you were putting those three characters against all of the rabbits that we have seen in popular culture. But it's time for fact number three. Can you imagine if magicians pulled turtles out of a hat instead of bunnies? For one, it would be heavy and leathery, completely messing up the magician's flow.

Okay, all this rabbit propaganda, but let's just say they don't say cowabunga, but real turtles do make noise. Depending on the species they may grunt, hiss, or cluck like chickens, or bark like dogs, and let's just remember they're the chillest guys alive, a much funner hang than a bunny.

Yeah.

A lot of great facts there, but I want to know what did you like best about this micro round?

I was listening to Tim's Declaration of Greatness and I was listening to all these famous turtles and I forgot about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I'm very disappointed in myself. I used to watch them all the time. I think that It is true that it'd be kinda weird to pull a turtle out of a hat. Mm-hmm. It'd be a little uncomfortable.

Ciao. Ciao.

Yeah.

They can

Oh right. KO, so many good facts. We learned so much, but only one of these teams can get a point for this micro round. The criteria are totally subjective and totally up to you. Did someone surprise you? Did someone make you think? Did someone make you laugh?

Have you made your decision?

But I have.

Fantastic. Hold tight. We'll be right back.

Want Smash Boom best without the ad breaks? Join Smarty Pass and get an ad free feed of this and all the other brains on universe show. Plus, you'll get to do virtual hangs with me and the crew and discounts on merch. Sign up at brainson.org. Thanks.

We're back and it's time for our third round, the Super Stealthy.

Sneak attack.

This is our improvised round where debaters have to respond to a challenge on the spot. Today's challenge is acceptance speech. Imagine your side just won a big award. Make up that award. Then give a short speech as your side receives this award.

Power Bonga dude! Hey it's me! Michelangelo! Why? Turtles ever to live. I just wanted to say thanks for this award on behalf of me and my crew. You know, some people say well it's weird we live underground, but you know, s we just like to recharge in the quiet. It's not uh we don't like to be out and about all day.

How uh

What was the award that uh Michelangelo was accepting?

It was for chillest guy alive. Mm.

Of course, of course, of course. This is true. Excellent work, Michelangelo and Faria. Tim, it's your turn. Please show us how rabbits accept awards.

Thank you so much. I am of course the hare from the tortoise and the hare, and I am receiving the award for giving the turtles the best PR they could have possibly asked for. Why? When I was asked To not win the race, I was definitely going to win and had the potential to win to take a rest, to give Turtles uh a moral that they would not have received otherwise.

Of course, I'm a kind person. I don't need to win every time, even though I can and should and will. When I looked at the turtles, it felt so bad that they were gonna be moving so slow and stuck in their shell where they wouldn't appreciate in the world just being chill and not engaging with the world, so I took a sacrifice and decided to take a little nap.

That was really lovely. Excellent award speeches, both of you. I didn't even have to play the music to get you off stage. Wonderful work. All right, Teo. Please think about these speeches. Did one make you laugh? Did one sneak in some info? Whatever the criteria are, it's completely up to you. Please choose one side to award a point, but as always, keep it hush hush.

Have you made your decision?

So hard, but I think that I have.

Wonderful. All right, now it's time for In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Tim, time to rally for Rabbit.

On top is the hop. Brother.

Excellent.

Very good. Okay, Faria. Please take it home for turtles.

Turtles breathe through their butts. Back.

Oh man, excellent final sixes both. Bateo, only one can get the final point. Please award it.

Have you made your decision?

I have.

Okay. Please tally up those points. Are you ready to declare one side the smash boom best?

I am

All right, drum roll please. And the winner is

What? What?

Oh uh thank you so much, uh from behalf of the me and the turtles. Thank you.

Oh my gosh, Teo, what did it for turtles?

So uh the sneak attacks were both so good, but Faria happened to guess my favorite ninja turtle, so I had to give it to Mikey.

Michelangelo for the win.

Tao, please. We can say I can say other rabbits. I mean Bugs Bunny, you must like Bugs Bunny, right?

You did a lot of hating on turtles, and now your time is a passion.

No please no tail tail tail.

Sorry.

I feel so bad.

No, Tao.

You guys both did so good.

It was very close. We just, you know, the sometimes literature is similar to reality and today the tortoise the turtle did beat the rabbit.

All right. I accept Tao, you are a wise judge. I respect you. I honor you. I'm gonna have a tough day, but I appre I get it. I get it. You have a job to do.

Taste. Let'em cook, all right. Okay, Tim, you actually did an amazing job. I was shaking in my boots the whole time. I I'll tell ya. I I had no idea I was gonna win. But to win another one over you, I I will keep that in my back pocket.

I think I've lost every time to fora every time we've done it.

She's a tough opponent.

I will say you did an amazing job and the magical component of the rabbits will forever be the coolest fact. So thanks for bringing that in and dazzling us with your beautiful story.

Thank you, Faria. Um I wanna give you I wanna give it up to you in your declaration of great greatness. Your voice really captured that slow turtle pace. It was very uh compelling and I felt like I was living in the turtle. I thought that was really excellent. And I have to give it up to you for as well. The moment you had the fact that turtles breathe out of their butts.

The good thing about Faria winning is that you guys can remain friends, right?

That's true. Yeah, I guess based on based on the consequences we both outlined.

I was gonna end our friendship.

That's true, that's true. I guess Tao thank you. You you made the kindest choice possible.

Tao Crown Turtles a Smash Boom Bust, but what about you?

Tell us who you think of.

We had sound design by Rachel Breeze and We had engineering help from David Amalin. Our announcer is Marley Foyer. And we want to give a special thanks to Austin Cross and Taylor Kaufman. Faria, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout-out to today?

And how about you Tim? Any special shout-outs?

I would like to shout out a book. It is a book A bunny. It is written by I may say this.

And I think his name is Nicholas and he just observes the seasons and it's really

So uh but it's a really beautiful book and it certainly celebrates my little buddy friend.

I love that book too and read it to my daughter when she was little. It's beautiful. Teo, any special shout out?

Cause she was the one who thought no I could do this.

Before we go, let's check in and see who Xiao Chen thinks should win the host.

Like to be a judge or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knockdown dr- Head to smashboom.org slash com

org to subscribe. Next week with our final Smash Boom Fest of the Food.

I've noticed that when I'm on the show I I tend to tr uh play pretty manipulative.

That's what happened.

Right.

I don't know.

For some reason.

Ha ha ha.