"Bill Burr"

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and I am in the waiting room, waiting for the three gentlemen, we'll call them, of the Smart List podcast. It's funny, they told me to be here by 8.45, even though the podcast starts at 9.30. It's sort of a point of contention already. But this is the Smartless Podcast. Here we go.

Here's a nice, you guys appreciate this. I decided I'm going to go to, I was hanging with our buddy at his house over in the West Village, and then our other buddy, Chris Henchey, showed up, and we were chit-chatting, and Chris Henchey is always good for a million laughs. And I said, I'm going to go to Cafe Clooney for lunch solo. And he goes, oh, you've got to have the buffalo chicken dumplings.

He's like, they're dumplings, but they're in buffalo chicken sauce. I go, Hinchy, it's not part of my freaking diet. He's like, oh, my buddy runs up. I go, yeah, thanks, man. But, you know, this is a temple, as JB would say. So I walk over. Body's no fluke. No fluke. And I walk over.

their beautiful noon on a Monday snow just like heavy snow starting tucked into a corner I order a salad and a little bit of chicken with some veggies that's it and the waitress comes over plunks down some buffalo chicken dumplings And I'm like, I text Angie. I'm like, you motherfucker. Oh, he called ahead. He called it in. He called it. My buddy's sitting in the corner. Can you deliver some? That's funny. And did you have them? Yeah. I had two. They were delicious.

They look like they had a lot of sodium in them. Do they? No, no, no. Do they? No, they don't. You look beautiful. Am I looking popular? I wanted to tell you about Ricky, what happened to Ricky. This is pretty wild. Gervais. No, my dog. He got another special. Wait, did he lose a number? Is he bringing the office back? What's happening? I love that we always go to you for our Ricky Gervais news. You're always up on what Ricky's up to. I like to keep up on it. No, he... Tracy...

Ricky is your brother's dog. Yeah, she knows that. So he was being watched by this friend of ours who watches a lot of dogs or whatever. And one of the dogs that this person was watching... has to take Prozac, right? Oh, sure. Of course. It's Los Angeles dog. Yes, California.

Lots of problems in the world, but California dogs need antidepressants. It's pretty stressful. It drops from 68 to 72 without any warning. You can bail out now if you want, by the way. Okay, you're in deep. You're waist deep. So she gives the dog his one Prozac and she puts the bottle on the counter and Ricky jumps up, knocks it over and eats 10 of them. 10 Prozac. I'm not kidding.

And so it's such a long story, but we had to take him to the vet, blah, blah, blah, and they punt. They had to make him throw up or whatever. And I'm talking to the vet, and I'm like, what's the deal? And he's like, well, there's 50-50 chance. I'm like, that he's going to die? He goes, yeah. Like, so matter of fact, and I was like, I kind of appreciated that he said it so cavalier, but I was also like...

Bedside Manor was really bad. Anyway, and then the story is he's all good. I said to Sean, I said I thought he was going to say that Ricky ate 10 Prozac and joined up with people. You know, like just... Got real positive and started touring the world. Just bringing joy to everybody, you know? Yeah. All right, so let's get to the guest. Okay. My guest today is a fellow podcaster. He's one of the funniest people alive. A Boston native. He's a passionate Patriots fan.

He's one of the few comedians to sell at Madison Square Garden, London's Royal Albert Hall, and two years ago, he made history as the first comedian to ever perform at Fenway Park. Our listeners have seen him in one of his 8 billion brilliant comedy specials or live tours. Wait, did Will get it? Did Will get what? Did I say Bill Burr? He said Bill Burr. I don't know, maybe.

And he's been on my smart list guest list for years. It's the hilarious Bill Burr. What? All right, it's Bill Burr. Hey, what's up, guys? Hey, so sorry about the delay. We've been having all those tech issues. No, I was just enjoying the podcast. Anything about dogs with Prozac? I mean, that's... How would you know the dog is depressed? I mean, it doesn't... I know. What did it talk to you about? What was it? Was it the way it played with the ball? Well, I wasn't watching the one that needed it.

But I imagine the same thing. Oh, you needed Prozac and the dog ate it. No, a different dog had a dog, Prozac. You were listening to a different podcast, Bill, I think. Hey, this is what I would think. Sounds to me like you got upsold by that vet. It does. It does. From milk bones to milk bones.

Fucking Prozac. I would venture to say that there are, you know, in the same way that they say that people look like their dogs, I bet you it's a little bit of sort of projection from the owner. Like, my dog needs Prozac. Like, does your dog need Prozac? Or do you? Or do Scotty? Now, hold on a second here. This is a huge booking. I know. Bill. You know, Bill. Bill Burr. You don't need to do this shit.

I know. Believe me, when you kept losing your internet, I was thinking about that. I was like, how is this helping me? No, it did. It did help my relationship. I got out of the house, which gives my... You know, a break from me, which is always nice. Do you find that? I find that my relationship is better when I'm working out of town. Yeah, when I'm not there, we get along great.

It's when I'm home. And then do you feel stressed to pick up the phone every night and talk, well, what did you do today? Here's what I did today. Or are you comfortable going a couple of days without talking if there's not really something to really discuss? No, I don't do that. but I just try to make her laugh. So I just call up and just be a goofball, lighten up the mood, you know. Your humor still works for her?

Yeah, it actually does. My wife has a great sense of humor. She's actually, believe it or not, I think she's funnier than a lot of comedians I know. Like, she's, like, hilarious. Well, that's not hard. Yeah, Sam Scotti, yeah. That's not hard. But let me ask you this, and Jason, you was...

Very revealing the way you answered that question. Like, do you feel the pressure to call every night? That seems like, do you want to elaborate on that? Yeah. Wait, let me snort a Prozac. It's, well, yeah, I mean, we're, you know, we're, what are we? We're 25 years into this.

thing and um you know and the kids don't want to talk to me and so it really just leaves the wife and if i don't have something that is really pressing to to share then you know sometimes we'll just be on the phone we'll just hang there and then we feel the the stress of having to come up with some shit to say and then you know and then so no yeah no it we don't we don't really call unless there's there's a Hot topic or a hot take.

So it's basically sort of a business relationship at this point. We'll set up a Zoom. I talked to her assistant. She says she's got something pressing. Can I make some time between three and four? No, I love talking to my wife. She's hilarious. Good for you. Do you guys have kids? Wait, Jason, hang on one more time. And Jason, there's still room for you to go, I love my wife too. And we'll edit it. We'll close the gap. Oh, I must have cut out again. I said that pretty emphatically. I believe.

I believed it. I heard it on my own. I love her so much. Bill, so I knew it was you when Sean did the intro and the blind intro because I knew that you'd sold out Madison Square Garden and I knew that you'd sold out Royal Albert Hall because I saw you at Royal Albert Hall on one of your shows there.

if you remember a few years back. Fucking unbelievable. Honestly, it was really impressive. And you know, Bill, I'm not going to go crazy, but you know that I'm a fan and I have been for a long time. Why would he know that?

You write him letters? Well, he knows that. We know each other a little bit. And I went to see him, and it was unbelievable, sold out. It was so impressive, and it was so awesome. I didn't come here for this. I know you didn't, but I want to say this. I'm not going to say this.

sit here and get complimented for a fucking hour. Well, it's also rare. Don't point at me. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. You're a Bruins fan. I'll treat you like one. Maple Leafs knocked the crap out of the Bruins last night, was it? Yeah. It was Saturday night. Well, this is their time of year.

Fuck you. January. Don't fuck it. Bill, we were off to a good start. Also, the first three games of a seven-game series, you do not want any part of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Those last four, though. Nothing but smooth sailing. Jesus fucking Christ. Don't laugh, Sean. You know what the hell's going on? I don't. But I figured it out. It's a little bit true. And, you know, I love Paul. A little bit true. It's...

It's been 57 years. Yeah, it has been 57 years, but we're building because we like drama, okay? We could be like you guys and be fucking one and done. You guys haven't won since you won back in 2008 or whatever it was. No, 2011. Yeah, this century, last decade. Fine. You haven't won since Lyndon Johnson. Yeah. You haven't won since before we faked a lunar landing. It's been a while.

I knew it. I forgot that you're also a conspiracy theorist. I forgot like an artist. They were still playing with straight sticks. They didn't have the... Stan Mikita hadn't figured it out yet. It's true. Straight sticks. Now, did you ever... Goalie didn't have a mask. Did you play? Old Curly Johnson between the pipes tonight. And a young Will Arnett.

All right, let's get off. Sorry. Sean, first question for your guest. I have a ton. Well, I don't know you, Bill. First of all, just a comment. It's not a thing. I saw you, the first time I think I ever met you was at Ted Sarandos' house sometime last year at this comedy dinner thing. And you were one of the good guys. Yeah, the medieval manor.

It's a total medieval manner, yeah. I always feel like when I go there at some point, all our AI replacements are going to come up out of the basement. For approval. And kill their human. Human versions. Like AI Dave Chappelle's going to come up. Gotcha, bitch. Well, for my sister, Tracy, Ted Suranos is the head of Netflix. But anyway, so we were there, and I'd never met you before. And the first thing you said was, I had something in my teeth. I had a piece of food in my teeth. And...

I didn't even say anything, and I handed you, I think, like a sugar packet, and you just went right in there, stuck your finger in my mouth, and you just got it out. And you were like, oh, this guy's really cool. Solid. I wasn't going to let you walk around looking like that. I know.

Because everyone was talking about you at that point, Sean. You'd had enough. Yeah, for sure. I wanted to be on the right side of history. You know, guys, I've been out here in L.A. long enough, and I just felt like, you know, I needed to tap. into my inner hero. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Since 2007. Oh, I didn't know you lived here. I love it out here. I love it out here and I like reading native...

natives of Los Angeles because they love Los Angeles and they know the history of it. And I just can't meet another stupid fucking New Yorker that is bitching. about how much they fucking hate it. And everybody's so real in New York. Like nobody lies on Wall Street. Everybody's just, you know, contractor says it's going to take two weeks in New York. He's done in 13 days. It's so fucking stupid. And then the worst. First traveled people ever, New Yorkers. They get so freaked out.

Like they go to Hong Kong and be like, let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese. And then they couldn't get it. This fucking place sucks. Yeah. What's the point of traveling if everything's going to be different? I love, Bill, I'm so with you. I'm glad you're banging this drum. They come out here, dude. They give up on their dream to make it in this business because they don't like the pizza.

Yeah, exactly. And then they go, in New York, we get to walk around everywhere. I'm like, fucking then get out of your car and walk around. I'm not stopping you from fucking walking around. Shut the fuck up. They're homesick. They're homesick. They're pussies. They're pussies and they act like they're tough because there are tough people in New York, but not you.

You're an actor. You're doing a soliloquy, all right? Let's not act like you grew up in Brownsville with Mike Tyson. You didn't. And they're standing outside shivering like crazy saying, isn't New York great? Is New York great? LA sucks. That drives me up the wall about New Yorkers. They think that Frank Sinatra song, New York, New York, is about them. It's not about growing up in New York with the support system. It's about not knowing anybody there and moving there.

Right. It's not growing up and you got your mother here, your dad over there, and you get to go home like, show business was mean to me today, and they rub your fucking head. It's about going there, you don't know anybody. Like Frank. Frank Sinatra was bridging tunnel. He came in for New Jersey, and then he had hits, and then they fucking claimed him. Steinbrenner was from fucking Cleveland, Ohio. I'm telling you, a lot of the shit that happens in there is from other people.

It's small, right? And the rest of them... Bill, you ever think about getting a car with, like, a loudspeaker on the top and driving around town? That would be good for you. I don't have to. I do stand-up. No, but this might be more of the people. Like, you could just give it to people on the street. Hey, you, you fucking...

and you think the fucking Yankees hat off. You haven't been doing a Yankees game in 12 years. You know what I mean? That's a big misnomer. Am I using that right? That people think that I walk around doing that shit. I don't. I only do it when it's done to me. So I've had, like, I lived in New York City during the height of the stupid curse of the babe thing.

which was just all bullshit. What's that? It was this fairy tale that white people made up because we didn't want to admit that the Red Sox didn't integrate until like 1992. And that's why we couldn't win. It's because we traded some fat fuck like during World War I. And if you do that, all of a sudden, you're not. I mean, at some point, when are you going to take responsibility that you had an all-white team right through the mid-60s? Yeah.

Oh my God, wait, but that... I'm going to want to talk about something that you're probably so sick of talking about, but I didn't know this until I watched it just recently, the Philly incident thing. So if you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to talk about it. But I watched... I don't know about it. Fill me in.

She told me she was of age. Uh-huh. Fucking. That's all I need. Oh, not that one? Not that one? No, no, no, not for here. Not for here. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is funny. So, Jay, he was in Philadelphia and he was doing stand-up and right away he got a heckler. that booed him and he hits back. He doubles down and then triples down and pushes the audience. I watched the whole thing. I couldn't stop laughing. It was so fucking funny how you turned on the audience so hard and for so long.

and he was counting the minutes long. And by the way, you ended that whole rant in Philly with all of you go fuck yourselves and your own assholes. Well, I wanted to make sure it was consensual. I've got to see this. This is on YouTube. It's 14 minutes of him nonstop berating the audience. And I was crying laughing. Because of one heckler got after you? No, no.

No, no, no. It was this radio show, the Opie and Anthony show. One of the big breaks I had in my career. Opie, Anthony, and Jimmy Norton. got me on that show, and that's when I first started selling tickets. So they had a bunch of comics on there, the late, great Patrice O'Neill, Voss, Bobby Kelly, all of these guys, and they decided to do a stand-up tour.

And it was, you know, sort of a Howard Stern style show. So you knew it was going to be a hostile crowd. So we were doing this tour and we kind of knew the Philly show was coming. We just didn't know which city it was going to be. We knew it was going to happen. So it was. We showed up, I forget where it was. It was right across Camden, New Jersey. It was a long time ago. And the fucking Philly people, they were like tailgating. They had like Eagles jerseys on throwing footballs.

It was fucking wild. It looked like it was either going to be a football game or a medal show. So the first guy went up and got booed. Oh God, it was so bad. The sun was still out and he was from Philly and he had half his family there. It was so fucking bad. They were all chanting, asshole, asshole. And I remember he didn't know what to do. He's like, they're in the headlights and has it going, asshole, asshole.

He just goes, thanks a lot. You guys have been great. And I went on like, you know, a couple hours after that and the sun had gone down and I made a few mistakes getting into it. And then they got on me and they all started booing. It's Philly. What does a mistake look like? I think I went out there. I was worried. So I was timid. So I was on my heel. And, you know, the crowd subconsciously senses that. And then I also think I might have done...

started to do a bit and I was like, wait a minute, I think they played this bit on the radio and then I got in my head, did they already know this joke? So I was sort of like a half click behind doing the joke and it didn't work. And then I go, what the? I can't remember. I just remember I thought it was the end of my career. I'll be honest with you. So it was like 10,000 people booing me. But then I just started trashing their sports teams. And that's what saved me. And them.

Well, it was because it was the tri-state area. So there was, you know, if I made fun of the Flyers, there was Devils fans and Capitals fans. So I got pockets of people. Like laughing. Hit everybody. And this was before the Phillies won another World Series. So they had won like one World Series in 100 years.

Yeah. You know, and then they also did a bunch of dumb shit, like, you know, put up a statue of Rocky, but not Joe Frazier. Like they put one up of a fake white boxer. An actor. So it was pretty easy. I've never watched it. I'll be honest with you. I never watched it. Oh, my God. It's so funny. I was riding home with Bobby Kelly, one of my great friends in this business, and he...

I was just quiet. I had like a fucking headache. And it did the opposite, by the way. It became viral, and you became huge from that. Not that you weren't. No, but I didn't know how people were going to take it on the internet. I thought they were just going to watch it and see me getting booed, and I thought everyone was going to make it. You know, I catastrophize. So we were driving back up whatever that highway is.

And I remember Bobby was going, he's like, dude, you just told the whole city of Philly to go fuck themselves or whatever. And I was kind of like, dude, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. It's going to come out on the internet. This is going to be a fucking disaster. And then I was also worried that like...

everywhere I went they were going to do that like that was going to be my thing because no one knew who I was and this was my first big viral thing and it wasn't me doing material it was me getting booed And then I did the next city on the tour.

And I was walking around backstage and people in the crowd saw me and they were going, boo, before I even went out there. Fuck. Oh, jeez. So I remember I was talking to those guys going, guys, you got to put me on early. You got to give me a chance. And they didn't. They put me on late. And I walked out. And they just started booing me. And I was just like, guys, I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. And then it was funny. They were like...

hitting me up on MySpace. This is how long it was. People at Cleveland being like, dude, there could have been such a great moment in comedy and you ruined it, blah, blah. It was so funny. A lot of listeners of the Opie and Anthony show, the fans, thought they were really educated on stand-up comedy.

to the point that they would lecture stand-up comedians about it, which is fucking hilarious. I mean, I've watched some plumbering videos, but I don't think I would ever sit there talking to a plumber going like, hey, you know... I think I'm going to use a different size C clamp there. So, yeah, that's what I was worried about. So my next gig I had after that was the Punchline. And I went from 10,000 people on the tour to just doing this.

perfect size comedy club that was only like 180 people. And I was like terrified in the green room. Like that's how my brain used to think. I used to, you know. catastrophize. I don't do it anymore, but I used to be. And then this is going to happen, this is going to happen, and I'm going to live at home with my parents, and I'm going to watch them die. I would literally do that over a bad set. So I went up on stage at the punchline, and it was like, these were fans of my act.

The Opie and Anthony show wasn't in San Francisco. And then also the big thing is I could see all of them. Right. It takes no balls to boo somebody when you're in row 40 on up. I can't see you. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. So I could really, you know, get them. Yeah. We'll be right back. All right, back to the show. Has there ever been a heckler that's been really good? Oh, yeah. Like funny, yeah.

Or just bizarre. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say like the angrier people because then it's this weird thing where you have to get them. So you maintain the audience's respect, but if you get them too well, are they coming up here now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. Oh, I had a woman throw a shoe at me one time. I was doing a gig in Spanish Harlem.

for this comic Smokey, who's absolutely hilarious. Remember he had this hilarious bit about a crackhead trying to steal a parrot out of a pet store and he would have like the mic under his shirt yelling, I came in with it. I came in with it. He was fucking hilarious, right? So...

It was like this weird sort of like, you know, it was like a satellite room, so it wasn't a comedy club. It was almost like, you know, like when those lecture halls with the teachers way down and they go up like that? Yeah. So I was doing the gig, right? And I'm doing the thing and I was like sort of like leaning forward as I was doing this and the shoe came down because I got into it with this woman and it hit me like right on my inner thigh.

And I immediately was going to get mad. You know, somebody throws something on stage. But then there was this tension because it was an all-black crowd. I'm a white dude. Like, what's going to happen? And I was able to turn it around because I looked. You know, I picked up this shoe and the shoe was, oh my God, it looked like it got dragged down the street by a bus, right? So it was like really quiet in the place. I was like, you know, I was going to get mad.

But then I looked at this shoe and then they all started laughing. And I was like, and I realized this isn't about me. This is about a childhood of no hugs. I forget what it was. And all I remember. was I got everyone to laugh again, and then she came down to the stage to get her shoe. Wow. Oh, wow. So...

I was like, what are we doing? We're going to like hug this out? We're going to hug it out? And she was cool. She came up. We gave a big hug. I gave her a shoe back. Wow. And it was so cool. Like a few weeks later. I was riding the downtown six. I was living on the Upper East Side at the time. And I ran into this woman that was at the show.

And she was just like, I was at your show and that woman threw the shoe and she goes, me and my friends are still talking about that and blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like once again, no one knew who I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So those little like moments of validation of like, oh my God, like. They went to my show. Not only did they like it, they're talking about it. Like, I remember you. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, those are those little things along the way as you keep getting...

you know, kicked in the chest to keep you going. I wanted to, Bill, I wanted to ask just about something that you mentioned earlier reminded me, because I've seen you talk about it before, and I remember... Talking about somebody asking you if you were nervous about... Fuck, I forget what it was. Whether it was like Conan or... Yes, is the answer.

whatever it is if you were nervous about no was the answer about what people no it was Bill Maher asking what you would what your reaction to what your reaction was to people online and their comments about shit that you said and I loved what you said at the time, which is like, I don't give a fuck what 100 people on Twitter say, a bunch of fucking losers, and you kind of went off on a bit of a thing about it. Oh, yeah, that is true. Yes. Right?

Talk a little bit about that because I remember you, because earlier you were saying it was early on in, probably in social media when you did the show in the Opie and Andy. show in Philadelphia, and then you were worried about what it was going to do online, it'd go viral, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now you don't give a shit about what people say. Is that true? It's kind of what I'm getting at. Yeah, I just kind of learned...

You know, there was that weird period in stand-up where it started with the Me Too movement, which was amazing that it went from like, let's get rapists and sexual assaulters. out of the business. And within like 18 months, it became like, hey, I don't like what you're talking about in your stand-up act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your career's over. It just got spun out of control. Like, so.

And then that's when people started. We'd be doing interviews and they were saying, you know, some of the statements you made last night on stage. It's like there was no statements. There was no statements. Right, right, right. Yeah, and what I would just always say is like, listen.

You know, I'm up there joking around, all right? If you make the decision to take what I said seriously, doesn't mean that I now meant it. Right. You know what I mean? So you're free to do that. If that's what you want to do, you're not going to have a good time. You know what I mean? Like I was in some...

I was in some place recently and there was a giant river next to the theater just rushing down the thing. I was like, you know, this is a great city to kill your wife. Just throw it in and it goes down. You know, they have no idea where she is. Just a stupid thing like that. Right now, if you go like...

And then there's going to be somebody, you know, my best friend got killed by his husband. It's like, yeah, well, I didn't do it. You know, it happens in every city. I'm not saying to do it. I'm being ridiculous. I said that because I have to explain comedy to you. Like, why would you? Right, I know. Do we think that that's over now? Yeah, Shani, right? It never happened.

It never happened. It was in New York and LA, but then as a comedian, you went out on the road. But the problem is, is all of these people that were like sort of controlling that narrative sort of sit here. in New York or L.A. With their hands on the buttons. Well, that's their universe, yeah. That's why, like, my favorite thing in the world is watching these idiots on award shows.

lecturing people about race, right? You know, they go up there and they got to say something about that and homophobia, blah, blah, blah, whatever the fuck they're doing. And you look at Hollywood, they're just now integrating. Like sports integrated like almost 80 fucking years ago. Right. And now they're just getting around to giving more people opportunities. Right. And it's, you know, it's like, dude, like what the fucking, what fucking world are you going to sit here and like lecture?

Because what? Oh, you know, Black Lives Matter. You had your Instagram page all black for one day. Wow. Way to go. I had to be on the right side of history. That's what I love about my people. And I always say my people. I hate when, you know. And I was guilty that when white people say white people, it's like, no, it's us. I hate when we fucking do shit like that. And we think like that stupid gesture is still about us.

I had to, you guys. I just had to use my voice to fucking... It's like you didn't even leave your fucking apartment. Right, I know. We didn't even get into like the... Like Will and Jason, I'm a big fan and I've wanted you on the show for a couple of years now because I laugh every time I see you.

Were you supposed to be on the show once and it didn't work out? We had a time. I know we've been trying for a while. Yeah, I had a meltdown. I couldn't figure it out. So now I have a guy that helps me out. That's good. So you were born in Massachusetts. Your parents were doctors. was right with your dad or your mom was a dentist?

My dad was a dentist, but he's a narcissist, so he thought he was a doctor. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. He also thought I had a stomach ache and it was a ruptured appendix, but that's a different story. What did mom do? She was a nurse. Okay. My mom's a beast. My mom's a beast. CCRN ICU. She had all the letters. And I remember one of the funniest things ever.

as far as like a job becomes a job. I was dropping her off at work. We pull in. She just goes, ah, Christ, will you look at all those ambulances? And I just bursted out laughing. She goes, I know, I know. I shouldn't look at it that way. But she was like... I've seen her save a couple people's lives when they had issues in public. She just knows what to do. Someone was having a stroke.

And she immediately looked at her watch and all of that stuff and knew that they have this enzyme, thank God now, that they can shoot in. And if they do it within some amount of time. Within the first hour. What do you mean? What do you mean? My... I had a family member who just had it six months ago, and he got it 58 minutes after having his first symptoms. Of what? Of having a stroke. And the doctor said, you're fucking lucky that you got it. What's the symptoms?

Well, this person there, I was like tearing up. That's what made my mother clock it. The eye tears up. The eye was tearing up. The person was in like a CVS or something. They were trying to get some ointment for like their eye because it was like tearing up and we happened to be there. So my mother was just like silently like clot, like a fucking...

like a secret service. Like she was just read like, okay, you know, she just knows that that could be a thing or whatever. And then the person couldn't talk and they just went down. It was fucking scary. Wow. And so, and everyone was like freaking out and she was just like cool as a cucumber.

called the ambulance, they got there, and when they showed up, I couldn't believe, I was just seeing her in action. She, like, knew what time it started, you know, so they knew, and then they shot the enzyme in, and they were able to... to break up the clock. That's pretty cool. Well, so these are both serious people, mom and dad. How'd they feel about you taking the right turn into comedy? No, they would totally support it. But they're also like artists. Like my dad is a, you know.

plays a bunch of different instruments, can draw you as you're sitting there. He's amazing at drawing and all of that stuff. And then my mother is a stealth artist. because she grew up in the 40s and was left-handed, and that meant you were the devil. So they made her right-handed, and she's actually a left-handed person.

And it sort of became a theme, I think, in my mother's life of like, I wanted this, but they made me do that. And she just, oh, okay, I guess that's what you do. So she's had like this sort of funny... experience with that. And then later in life, she's gotten into like, she's tapped into that side of her, the artistic side. That's great. I think that's really cool. So they always encouraged you in the arts and shit when you were growing up?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they did. Yeah. They didn't have any problem with me going into it. But my mother is like, you know, she's like German Midwestern. So like. It took the longest time to get like a compliment. Like, it's just like, I like almost like stopped telling her when I was on TV. And then I remember... One time I went back to Boston. I did this show at the Comedy Connection when it was in Faneuil Hall, and I just went on. I caught his own, and I just...

murdered the whole time I was up there. And I got off stage and I remember she just went, now that was a good show. And I said, all right, I finally got her. And then for like the next six years, every show I did, she compared to the Boston one. That was good. It wasn't like that set. You did it.

in Boston. I was like, mom, why do you do this? She goes, I'm trying to make it better. I'm just trying. And then what were some of the first couple of gigs you had? Did you work at a warehouse or something?

when you first started, like before you started doing stand-up or something right out of college? Yeah, I did a lot of warehousing. I tried like landscaping stuff, but just being a redhead in the sun, it was just brutal. I tried roofing and stuff. It was just, I was going to die. I'd be... dead of skin cancer by the time I was 20.

You don't strike me as sort of a flippant or reckless person. So how confident were you that comedy was going to be a career for you? And did you sort of, you know, protect yourself a bit by step? studying other things or like, was there a plan B? Ah, dude, I sucked at everything. Like I just, I just, I had massive, massive fucking ADD. Wow. Massive.

childhood trauma and shit. And like, I was like, yeah, like fucking, I get like, I think it's first started getting alopecia when I was like 12, just from like fucking stressing, just being in the fight or flight. I want to talk about that. For shit I'm not going to get into. Oh, yeah. Like people always try to get those stories out of me. I'm like, dude, you're going to like...

17 people would have to be dead before I could tell those fucking stories. Right, right. Innocent people. But there was no, you say you suck at everything. I don't believe you. I bet if you wanted to point yourself. in a direction, whether it be, well, maybe even medicine. I mean, look, you're two parents. So were there brothers or sisters that were carving a path? I could show you some report cards that would debunk that theory. No, I...

I don't, I was like a fucking cat on a leash, dude. Like, I don't know what it was. Like everything, I was, I just. wanted to every place I was I didn't fit in I just was always outside the thing looking at it and I was looking at everybody else and I was trying to do what they were doing it was like my like it was really an outer body experience most of my childhood

And then when I went down to my second show I ever did, it was this long gone comedy club, Stitch's Comedy Club. And I remember walking in there and there was all of these... fucking damaged open micers and it was the first time I ever felt like I was around the same kind of weird that I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had found the right nuts to hang out with and like how they viewed the world and how they interacted with it.

made sense. And who were some of those guys? Who are some of the guys that we would know that you kind of came up with? Because I'm always fascinated by... people who are now famous who hung out with other people who are now famous before you made it. Oh, I had a killer group. It was, I came up, let's see, Dane Cook, Patrice O'Neill.

Robert Kelly. And then there was this kid who came down from Maine, Bob Marley. That was his real name. He was born in like 67. So that was before Bob Marley made it. That's funny. And everyone was telling us. That was the last year the Leafs won.

You haven't won since Bob Marley wasn't famous. He was growing his first dreadlock. I can't believe you're fucking... Bring everything back. You had to mention 60-fucking-7. It's unbelievable. I love you guys, and I don't... understand why you hate the bruins we have a we have a mutual

You got a lot of good Canadians who won that cup for you. Hang on, let me ask you, Bill. You talked about your second show. How'd you end up doing your first stand-up show? I think it was a lot of Europeans won that cup for us. You're just assuming that you guys still dominate the league. Well, you had fucking Brad Marsh on.

and you also had Bergeron was your captain. Well, there's two guys. No, I guess Chara was your captain at the time. Anyway. Oh, that's what the problem is. You guys don't realize you need a team. No. Hey, listen. Oh, is that why you're never balanced and you buy like three fucking zillion dollar forwards and you have no fucking defense? Not true. We didn't buy them. We drafted all those guys. Anyway, except for Tavares. Listen.

Bill, how did you end up at your first show? How was it that you went, I'm going up tonight to do stand-up tonight? How did that happen? I was so walled off and shy. That I had to make a New Year's resolution in 1992. I said, at some point this year, I had to get myself a whole fucking year. But were you writing jokes before you were like, no. No. But prepare?

then I would have to think about what I had to do. I'd be like, I need to write jokes. Oh, look at this can. Oh, let me fucking do something with this. I... No, and like once I made that thing in my head and I was going to Emerson College at that time. And the whole reason I was going to Emerson College, two reasons. One, I had to get a college degree.

because my parents were professionals and they wanted me to do that. So I was doing that. And then two, it was a performance school. So I went there to get over stage fright. I had real no, like, I majored in mass communications. I didn't. I just majored. I was majoring in volunteering to get in front of fucking people.

I did radio so I could be on a microphone and talk to people, but I didn't have to see them. It was very baby steps. So I made this New Year's resolution and then there was a school paper. I don't know if they still have it there. The Emersonian. And there was an ad in the paper. It was this contest at Nick's Comedy Stop.

Find Boston's Funniest College Student, which was just a big sales promotion to get a bunch of drunk kids, college kids in there, buying beer, watching their friends bomb. So I signed up. I went home and signed up. It was funny. My parents are into antiques. So they had this RestoMod phone. I was literally like, yeah, hello, operator. I'd like to get into showbiz. You opened it up. It was still a push-button phone. And I just called up and I signed up for the contest. And...

I showed up and I went up and did it. It didn't go well. It went okay. What'd you do? What was the first thing? Do you remember? I'm really curious about this. You do this fucking thing and then you get up on stage and then what? Well, it really is the funniest thing to get into because you can't really practice it. You have no idea how to do it. The only way to learn how to do it is to just go up and do it. So I do remember...

sitting down to write jokes for the first time and just staring at the blank page. Like, how do you... I don't even know how to do this. So I just started writing stuff and stories and talking about myself. It was a very... Self-deprecating set, talking about being a commuter, having no friends, having no girlfriend, basically discussing all the sadness that leads one to start becoming a performer. Right, right, right.

So it was a lot of that. And, you know, I went up there. I forgot what I was going to say. I sort of started in the middle of the shit that I could remember. And I kind of meandered.

But I remember getting off stage and I do remember going up to the mic and another like auto body experience, almost like watching myself taking the mic out of the mic stand. And I was just like, this is what I'm doing. I'm doing this for the rest of my life. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. And the guy who hosted it.

Billy Martin, who's now a big shot at the Bill Maher show. He gave me Rita Choice's number. Still remember her. She was fucking hilarious. And she used to make me call up the club. And I'd be like, hey, Rita, it's Bill Burr. I want to get some spots. She goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not how you talk to me. You have to say, Rita, this is open miker Bill Burr. And I just, I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Yeah, I loved it because like that was to me. And also she was in the comedy world and I loved that type of affection. Like that was like, I don't like real affection. Like, hey, man, I just want to say, you really mean a lot to me. Like, literally, my toes start going like that, and my sneakers. Like, dude, we can't have a real fucking meeting. I get it. We'll be right back. And now back to the show. Hey, real quick. I got an 18-year-old daughter that wants to go to Emerson. Was it great?

It's fantastic. Yeah? It's fantastic. One of the great things that they had was they had people that went there and were doing well you know, in show business and they would come back on a regular basis and they would talk to, I do it, you know, I haven't done it enough, I should do it more, but you come back and what's great about it, I remember sitting there.

looking at these people, they had produced a movie. I forget what the movie was, but it was something that I had seen. And just to see them being like, oh, they were sitting here. Right. And now they're doing that. This is possible because you know how this business is. This isn't like you start in the mailroom and then you work your way up to that. There's like...

It's just like this field. You just start running and you don't know. Oh, they're running this way. I run over here. You have no idea. Squid Game. Yeah. Exactly. People have fallen. Totally squid game. Quitting, becoming substitute teachers. You have no idea. Like, what the fuck am I doing? But then, Bill, what's so impressive is your massive, hugely successful... career in stand-up and doing specials and everything.

But, like, what a great actor you are. F is for family. How are you doing that? It's King of Staten Island. And then Mandalorian, which I was like, oh, my God, Bill Burr's on Mandalorian. That was so cool. And then you did Old Dads, which you... co-wrote. With Ben Tischler, yeah. Produced, directed, and starred. And I wanted to ask you about Old Dads because, and I want to ask Jason to do this. When you first start directing,

I was reading about you, Bill, about old dads. And when you first start directing and you have to call action for the very first time in your life as a director, it must feel so awkward. Like if I... I got to say it with conviction because if I say it... Action Weekly, I won't look like a leader. So I have to kind of, you know what I mean? So isn't that weird to call Action for the very first time as a director? Yeah, it was.

Because you've seen it and you've been around it. They also said like there was, you know, the first AD was like, do you want me to say action? Yeah. And then I kind of realized like, oh, is it hacky now? for the director to say action? Do I need to have that old big bullhorn? And action! You know? So I just deferred that.

to them, but I do remember, like, I directed Old Dads not because I wanted to. I never had any desire. Once again, my fucking ADD and everything, like, I was just like, I don't want to, you know, let me just do, you know. I don't give a fuck, dude. Give me a line read. Whatever I have to do to get through the fucking day, I don't care, right? So I knew I was in trouble directing. And this is how what happened was we were coming out of COVID.

So everybody was committed to all of these projects that they didn't do plus what they were going to do the next year. So no one was available. So then the start... talking, going, well, Bill, you wrote this movie. I go, no, I didn't. I wrote it with Ben Tischler. Yeah, but it's your voice. No, no, no. And they kept trying to, they were backing me into a corner. And then they go, well, I mean, it's getting, you know, it's getting late. It's going to go away. And I just said, all right.

Fine, I'll do it. And I don't remember 2022 after that. And this is when I knew I was in trouble was I was talking to the set dresser, whatever. I never know what the names of the jobs are. The person that puts all this stuff in the room, right? They go, they go, they go. That guy. Yeah, that person. Yeah, and I'm Dancing Monkey. I have different names for the jobs, but they know what I'm talking about. Right.

So she goes, okay, this scene is, it's a backyard barbecue scene. Are we thinking paper plates? Are we thinking, I was like, yeah, yeah, paper plates. And she goes, what kind of paper plates? And I was like, oh, fuck. I go, it's to this level. And then I started thinking, oh, there's directors out there that choose a color palette. I'm just weighing over my head. So the reality of old dads is...

Ben Tischler co-directed with me. So he had my back. Okay. Monica Levinson. There was a lot. I had a ton of help. But the thing was with that thing. was I knew how to write jokes and Ben knew how to write structure. So we had this scene there and it's like, I wasn't trying to be Stanley Kubrick. So I was just trying to make you laugh. So it wasn't like-

I've asked every stand-up comic that does some acting the same question. How do you like the process of... Because as a stand-up, you come first and then you write words to fit you. As an actor, it's the exact opposite process. Do you... enjoy that or is it torture to you to like have to fit a bunch of words in a character that pre-exists no no i love it i i also um i like i'm envious of the uh

The collaboration. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Will knows this. He's been out on the ice with me. I'd rather get an assist than the goal, you know? I put it right on the fucking tape. And what does he do? He shoots it over the crossbar just like every bum on his team. Not this guy. Jesus Christ, bro. No, I really like... I've been...

My acting career, which is funny, is what I always say is I've parrot-trooped into some of the best stuff, and only for a couple of episodes. And people have, like, this idea. Breaking bad. of me. Yeah, that I have this way bigger acting thing than I do. And it's like, I only did a couple episodes of Breaking Bad. I did a couple episodes of Chappelle, Mandalorian. I've like...

paratrooped into these... But you do enjoy it? Not as much as a stand-up, but yeah. No, no, I absolutely love it. Like, I have an acting gig coming up next year, next month in New York. doing Broadway for the first time. Glengarry Glen Ross. Glengarry Glen Ross. Oh, wow. No way. Yeah, with Kieran Culkin and who else? Oh, fuck, dude. We just won a Golden Globe, Bob Odenkirk, Michael McKeon. Oh, man, I want to be in that. So it's kind of Better Call Saul, Breaking Bad there.

Got a little bit of succession in there. I'm going to see that. When does that open? I think March 10th. Okay. You're excited about that? Is that your first play? Yeah. Yeah, Neva didn't. How long are you doing it? Do you know how long you're doing it? How long and who's directing? How long are you doing it? I'm doing it until the end of June, I believe. So March, April, May, June. Oh, that's nothing.

That's like, yeah, 16 weeks or whatever, but... What about directing? You think you'll ever direct again? I'm slated to direct the next one I just wrote with Ben. Yeah? After in 2022 going, I'm never doing this again, but like...

I don't know. That's great. It's like, I always joke. I go, we're like the comedian, you know, and I'm not saying we're anywhere near them, but like comedian Coen brother type of thing. If it says produced by Ben Tischler, know that he was directing too. Listen to this guy. Says he's like a Coen brother over here.

I just went through all of their movies. I just went through all of the movies that I hadn't seen. Aren't they incredible? I mean, these guys are just... I miss them. You know what's a great one? Here's one to watch with... your wife, your lady friend, your life partner, Sean. Thank you. Thank you, Dad. Good for you, Bill. Paris Je Temps. Paris Je Temps is something that they just produced, and it's a series of like 20 10-minute short films.

about love in Paris and all different, like, you know, people finding love, people getting divorces, tragic, funny. It was such a surprise. Amazing movie. That's French for Paris. I love you. Barry, I love you. Because you're very gentle, Barry. Because I'm not French, and he knows it. So it's a shame. So the Monday Morning Podcast, you started in 2007. Yeah. And you're still doing it. What? Yeah, yeah. So wait, this is pre-Dax Shepard? Is post-Mark Maron pre-Dax Shepard?

Yeah, I don't know. Sorry for the way that he marks years. I didn't know we were going to do a deep dive into the history of podcasting. No, but I mean, we don't have to, but it's like... Wow. You've been doing it before it was a thing. I was doing it when I used to call in a service on a flip phone. Wow.

And I used to be, and that was my first podcast. We're only like five, six minutes. It started off with, it was on the MySpace page and you would post it. And I was over Bobby Kelly's apartment once again. And we were both living near each other in New York at the time. And he was the one. He goes, dude, you know, dude, it's a way to connect with your fans, dude. He says, you know, he says, do it a lot, right? And I was like, all right. So then I just started doing them and I liked it.

And it's been this amazing exercise for me because I don't have guests, really. So I just sort of babble and then answer questions and stuff. And it grew to 10 minutes to 20 minutes, the same way you build like a stand-up act. And now I can just by myself sort of talk for an hour. So like when I shoot a special, going out and trying to like, you know, come up with a whole new hour is a lot easier for me. Yeah. I feel because of doing that because I'm not, I'm just, I can go into flow mode.

Yeah, got it. Do you... Sorry, Sean, was that painful for you? It seemed like it went on long. I know. I got it. Price with your process. Bill, do you find yourself doing the podcast and you say something or like something happens, like a joke comes out of it and then you integrate it into your special? Is that what you're saying? I never used to do that, but lately...

Lately, I have been because the rule is basically, if I do it on the podcast, I'm not doing it on the show. But if I feel like it's like, you know, I just waded into the water and it's going to go a lot deeper than that. Yeah. Like, you know, I had like a dad moment with my two kids that was, you know, it just worked out perfectly. How do I do this? Because I don't want to do the bit, but it was basically my son.

wasn't listening to my daughter. And then she was mad at him and she wanted to get him back. And I gave her the green light to do it. And then she did it like a woman. Like it was diabolical. It was fucking amazing. And I was just like, holy shit. Wow, that is a female brain in there because I never would have thought, you know, guys are like, I'm going to punch you in the face. Like, they, like...

they pitch story and they fucking come up with something and they just put maximum. How old are your kids? Pain and suffering. Seven and four. Soon to be eight. Oh, how fun. Oh yeah, my son's hilarious. His new thing is he'd be like, when he gets mad at me, he goes.

He goes, that's it, dad. He goes, you're going to jail. I'm calling Kojak because he has an old dad and we watch Kojak. And he loves Kojak. And one of my favorite, like, I don't know if you guys had this with kids when you realized how much... you're going to be friends with them for your whole life. I was sitting on the couch when my son was three and we're watching Kojak, right? So it's an old school cop show.

So basically anybody who isn't white is running down an alley with a knife. You know what I mean? So it's like this 20-year-old Puerto Rican actor in like the prime of his life. And he's sprinting down this alley. and he's getting chased by the character Stavos, who's Telly Savalas' real brother.

And he has a full head of curly hair and he's fat. He looks like a fucking weeble. And he's chasing this shredded Latino kid. So they show the Latino kid flies down the fucking alley like an Olympian. And then Stavos and his loafers is running by. And my son. Son is just watching Stavos run, and then he just goes, three years old, he just goes. And I looked at him, and I started laughing. We both just started cracking up, and I was like, oh, my God, that's it.

We're going to smoke cigars. I'm in. I'm in with this dude. That is great. I love that. Well, Billy, it's so nice to meet you. We've taken way too much of your time. I know you got to go. You got a gig tonight, blah, blah, blah. Listen, don't put your schedule on me. I was ready to fucking put myself up. It's too late. I always do. But I didn't get to talk about this. Listen, Bill, I know you got a personal chef who just made you a fucking egg salad sandwich, no bread.

Exactly. You can smell it from here. Hey, before I go, Sean, when you did that Jerry Lewis, that was one of my favorite things. Oh, thanks, man. I thought you nailed that. Thank you very much. And obviously, Ozark. was one of my favorite shows. And Will, I got nothing. Here we go. Here we go. I knew it. I knew it. No, no, no. I'll tell you what. Being a dad, Lego Batman. Bingo. It's fucking amazing. Barbara. It's fucking amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Fucking amazing.

Thank you. Well, Bill, you're the king. It makes the adults laugh. It makes the kids laugh. No, you guys are going to take your fucking compliments. Well, thank you for doing this. It's very, very nice of you. Thank you, Bill. Thank you guys for having me. We love you, Bill. Bite everything. We love you. All right. I'll see you down at the showbiz commissary at some point. Exactly. Yeah.

All right, guys. Nice to meet you, Bill. All right. Nice to meet you guys, too. All right. Good to see you, Bill. Nice to meet you, Sean. I met you before. We'll, you know. Yeah, I know. We've had our moments. All right. All right. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye, buddy. Goodbye.

Super fun. Bill Burr. Super fun. Now, we've been trying to boat that fish for a while. I think he's been on all of our lists. I'll bet you. Yeah, he has. And then he was going to be on. I knew he was going to be on at one point because I think I... I forget how I knew that. And I wanted to have him on, and I've known him for a long time. And I really do love the guy, even though it seems like we're enemies. He's hilarious. I want to act with him.

Yeah, he's really good. He's fun on set. Oh, I want to act with somebody. Oh, is that Whitney? Is that Whitney Houston? That is Whitney Houston, yeah. Jay, you never answered the question. I want to know what that was because last night I was thinking about it. Isn't it a weird thing to call action for the very first time in your life because you've only heard it? I actually do remember that moment. Yeah, try it as a young punk at 18.

talking to a bunch of adults. Yeah, it was terrifying. Yeah, I was so, I just felt like such a fraud. Still do. No, brilliant. So he was great. I love him. I've been a fan for a long time. I did see, no, I realized why he lashed out to me. I did see him in Albert Hall and he was fucking great. He was awesome. He absolutely destroyed.

And he shot a special from there, and he destroyed, but he can't. He has a tough time taking a compliment. He's got a lot of issues that are great. Yeah, he seems like a good dude. He's a... Funny, funny, funny dude. Again, he falls in that category of just like, he has no choice. He's naturally funny. Yeah, for sure. He's just funny. What are you guys going to do the rest of the day? I've got a sign language lesson today.

Yeah, this job I've got coming up, I've got to do a little bit of sign language. So I have to learn how to speak. with my hands. Wait, that was Black Rabbit, too, with that guy, that character. Yeah, but my character didn't have to do it. But in this thing coming up, I got to do a couple of scenes in sign language. Do you know what this means? That's a fuck you. Now, Will... Apparently I only need 15 hours of, of, of.

you know, based on what little apps are doing. To the bare minimum. Does that include portal to portal or? Exactly. But I'm so curious because it's obviously, it's not word for word or verbatim. I'm so curious to learn just this. first hour of what it because it's kind of paraphrasing and general general words I guess I'll report back what is what is this in sign language oh that's bye bye That's one of my favorites. That's nice, Shawnee. Smart. Less. Smart. Less.

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