Essence Meets my Neurodivergence

You know, a friend once told me my life is lived for others to laugh and learn from, and she was RIGHTEO never runs a moment.

I like no story time for the neurodivergence.

I mean, anyone can get in, but this will help you understand your neurospicy bredren cisterns and non binarians.

Much better.

Oh man, So I'm gonna play y'all a video and then I'm gonna tell y'all a story about when I did an essence shoot in Grenada. So I want you to watch the video. Okay, watch the video, and then I'm gonna talk about how this video relates and how it actually decoded something that's happened to me many times in my life. But I'm gonna give you a very specific way that this played out when I did a shoot for ES's magazine and Grenada.

Neurodiversions are also accused of having a really short temper, and I don't think that's necessarily true inherently, but I do know that it does often look like that, and it'll let me explain.

I mean this little graft to help you understand here, neurotypical the.

Way you socialize information, the way you socialize interactions, you are sort of permitted to some degree to increasingly demonstrate your frustration.

Right, you see, you have one all the way through ten with this nice little color coded gradient.

When you're neurodivergent and you are working in certain environments that you don't feel very safe in it, you're going.

To put on a mask. And with that mask, right.

We don't have different masks for different degrees of frustration.

We have of the mask.

And so if you're getting frustrated at something, you're very often as a neurodiversent person, you're not showing that frustration in the same way that other people are. And so that means you're not showing that frustration in a way that most other people are going to see. So you're holding that mask while you're continuing to, let's just say, ask clarifying examples or you know, demonstrate your side of the argument, while whatever's happening that is continuing to frustrate you.

And so you're going on and you're going on, and you're going on, and on.

The inside those levels are jumping up just like they would be for a neurotypical person, but on the outside, you're only showing that level one, that level one, maybe a level two, until a point where you've used up all of your energy that's available right now and you cannot continue to hold that mask. And so what that means is that mask drops, and now all of a sudden, everybody that's around you can see that you're actually at a level seven or you're actually at a level ten.

But this is the reason that it often.

Looks like we go, you know, from zero to one hundred miles an hour and when it comes to us being frustrated.

And I've been accused of this often.

Enough, you know, at corporate or you know, with my family or whatever historically. And I thought about this for a long time until I finally realized was, oh, I didn't just lose it out of nowhere. I've been losing it for a while, but I didn't hold the energy to keep the mask up any longer.

Neurogerversions are also accused of having.

Okay, I often say, hmm, that discovering that I'm autistic saved.

My life because in many ways it explained.

Ways that I have existed my entire life that I couldn't stop and that I couldn't change, and it gave it actual grounding. Now that man is explaining what I also have read about in autism books and books about masking, etc. I was just able to show you, guys, though, because I loved when people are able to communicate it so you can get a reference to it. So there's neurotypical and neurodivergent, and that's basically the different ways that brains

The neurodivergent brain has got a lot going on and.

Isn't as straightforward per se in how it processes.

It's nonlinear.

Okay, it's not to say that one brain is better than the other. However, one brain is a lot harder to brainwash because it's nonlinear divergent.

Right, So the mask that they're.

Talking about is we live in a society that really prioritizes a very linear, a very passive, a very placid existence. Right, So you're expected to only speak at a certain tone, You're expected to present in a certain way.

You know, corporate.

If anyone here has worked in corporate, they already know that when you work in corporate, you are expected to follow a certain way of operating.

A certain line of protocol.

And for those who don't realize, people may look at me and be like, well, you were never in corporate baby. When you're on a TV show, you are work. You're doing a TV show for a corporation. My first job was for Serious Satellite Radio, which was essentially a corporation.

With a radio station.

Okay, when I was doing my show, The Amanda Siel Show, it was a radio show that was in the corporation of Black Interactive One. So these are all corporate spaces. I mean it's different when you're doing your own.

Art, when I'm doing my own shows, etc. But when I am at yes, there are new glasses. But when we are on.

These types of shows, you're absolutely in a corporation, in a corporate setting where there is expectations on how you behave. So, like my whole career, there's been this thing that's been like lagging.

Behind me, or actually not even behind me.

There's been an albatross around my neck that's always been Amanda Seals.

It's difficult, and I used to try.

With every thread and fiber of my soul to not be that. That meant literally changing the way I speak, That meant literally biting my tongue sometimes, digging my nails into my palm, to not say what I'm seeing, okay. That meant having to rehearse, like sometimes days weeks in advance, a conversation before I have it, because I want to make sure.

That I, like, do it right okay.

And this is an example of masking. Masking is when neurodivergent folks essentially have to find a way to adjust themselves to fit into the confines of the space that they live in. If you have like family or or parents that are not really emotionally mature, that can also be a reason why you'll mask. And masking is associated with neurodivergence. However, I would also say that sometimes you mask if you are not necessarily like.

Neurodivergent on the autism spectrum.

But if you're a very empathic person, you're gonna have to mask because you feel all the time, and this is not a world that respects feelings, right, So when you're always hyper sensitive and people start making fun of you for being hyper sensitive, or they say that you're crying wolf, or they disregard you, dismiss you, etc.

You will create the mask to not show that.

When I first moved to LA, both my therapist and my lawyer told me, you need to come up with a different person that you're outward facing person, because the person you are will not fit in LA. I'm gonna take a spoonful of ice cream and let you marinate on that for a second, because I'm about to tell you all the story of how masking and the neuro divergent explosion of the mask took place at an SN

Now, one of the.

Things I want to also ask you guys to do is shut the f up. You know, like, if you say something in your head and it sounds like something that I would absolutely not want to.

Hear, keep it to yourself because I'm would block you.

So the man that was speaking earlier was breaking down for you guys, the neurodivergent versus the neurotypical way of managing frustration. And again remember the linear and nonlinear. So a neurotypical person is gonna go through like phases of frustration.

That you can.

Typically see right and you watch them get progressively bothered. And I have been in a lot of scenarios with a lot of different people, so I've actually gotten to see this, like when you look at my cast members on the real like you know, I've been able to watch people be in this fashion. He pointed out something that was such a light bulb when I first learned about it, So I'm glad I came across it this video so I could share it with you all.

Because for a neurodivergent person, we are so.

Conscious, hyper conscious of the fact that we are an alien in the world that our mask is fixed to our face until it literally flies off. So what happens is that you're engaging in trying to understand, but your mask is still a fixed to you, and then once you reach a certain point. For someone else, you would have seen them gradually get to that point, but to the neurodivergent person, it just looks like we blew a fuse because the mask that we had on was the

In twenty nineteen, I was.

In Grenada and Essence Magazine reached out and wanted to include me in a photoshoot that they were doing. I would sorry, side note, I would absolutely say this applies to highly sensitive people because I consider mpasse neurodive.

So someone on here just.

Said I see blocking as a form of fascism. When someone doesn't agree with you, well they got blocked.

The way that folks try to.

Make the false equivalency of how one controls their space and how a government interacts with its constituency is just beyond my scope of comprehension. A home boy of mine tried to say that to me one time before too. He was like, how can you care about democracy if you don't a lot of people to.

Say what they want to see on your page? Excuse me? Are they paid? Are those people contributing to my life?

This isn't a democracy, this this right here?

This is a dictatorship.

Okay, this is a dictatorship right here.

This is an authoritarian rule. What the fuck? AnyWho? So I'm in Grenada.

They reach out, They're like, you know, we want you to be a part of this video, this this photo shoot that we're.

Doing on on the island. So there was so people.

For those who don't know, I my mother's from Grenada. I have Grenadians to the citizenship. I have been going to Grenada all my life. I'm very familiar with the island. It is one of my homes. There was an effort to make all of the photo shoots because they were doing some with other people. There was an effort to make the other photos, to make all the photo shoots be like at hotels, and I wasn't doing that because the hotels they wanted to do were not owned by Grenadians.

And I was like, no, I'm not doing that.

The only way that I will do these photo shoots, or I will do my photo shoot, is if it is acknowledging like the eco, you know, the ecology of Grenada, because that really is what makes our islands so unique, right, And people were like, okay, So that's what I did, and they were fine with it. They said let's do it, and I said, got it. So the day before the shoot, you know, I met with them and we talked about just kind of like what the plan.

Was for the shoot.

Now, as a neurodivergent person, as an autistic person I have, I am not very flexible about things that.

Are particularly when I'm not in control.

So if you tell me, like we're doing a shoot at these places, then I will be flexible as long as I'm communicated with I require information. It is not to undermine, it is not to keep people in their place, et cetera. It's because part of my molecular structure and the way that I process is in it is it necessitates information. Okay, so I will ask a million questions because I'll be wanting to know. Also, because why can't I ask the million questions?

Oh my comments? Stop scrolling Instagram be hating on me.

So I was like, Okay, I am.

Going to talk to them and we're gonna talk back and forth. And so I was.

Giving them ideas, They're giving me ideas, and so you know, it was beautiful because I love this interaction.

Next day.

Is the shoot, and from the beginning, it starts off sketchy macwetchee.

So this is when the mask first comes on. Okay, so we're gonna put the mask on.

I was told that we're starting at nine point thirty. I get up, I text my person who is the point person, and they don't respond for an hour. So I am already now from jump disregulated. Now some people might be like, oh my gosh, like that little thing disregulated.

You yes, because.

In order for me to be in these spaces, I have to prepare myself.

For these spaces.

So once it starts to throw off, I like, once the plan is starting to divert, you know, my preparation is now getting disrupted, right, I'm also like by myself. I don't have a publicist with me, or an agent or a manager with me, so i'm you know, and these are not people that I know like that, you know.

These are just acquaintances. So you know, I'm just like okay, but the mask has been put on to pretend like I'm not bothered.

So in contrast, because I've demasked at this age in my life now, in contrast, I would have said, hey, I feel uncomfortable starting an hour late, so I'm gonna need us to not do this this way moving forward, because it disrupts my comfortability. That's what That's how I would deal with it now, even if it pissed people off, That's how I would deal with it now. Back then, I don't want to be seen as difficult. I don't want to be seen as the problem. I don't want

So she leaves the room. Now I'm like, oh shit, I look a fucking mess.

Remember this is for an Essence magazine photo shoot. So now we are an hour late and a lady then came in done my makeup and screwed it up. Now I have to pretend like she's not screwing it up because I don't want to look difficult. I don't want to look like a problem child. And so now the mask is still fixed, but the temper, the frustration has gone up a bit. So now I go downstairs to tell the person in charge, this woman Julie, Hey, so

I'm trying, you know.

So I was like, I'm actually gonna just do my own makeup. So they were like, oh, yeah, no problem. Now Julie, she had must have been hasty in the morning, and so she had.

A little line for her for her what's the word I'm looking for? Foundation? And so I said, oh, rub that in right there, rub that in right there. Remember that. Now I'm thinking, I'm being a sister girl.

So now I go back to the room and now I gotta do my own makeup, which.

Again not.

What I want to do. Nonetheless, this is the option. So the neurodivergent at this Essence magazine shoot by myself, somebody definitely did say coke just trying my best, try my best. The mask is still on. Yay, the mask is still on. So now we go do the first shot. So we do the first shot. And I don't think people really understand, like I am not like taking pictures. I have to like get into it. I've had this

Since twenty twelve.

Literally, demn here, fifteen years. Rome has been taking my photos. The ninety nine percent of the promo photos you have seen of me, Jerome Shaw because me and Rome, we know the time, we know the vibe.

He knows exactly what to say to me to get the results. I just did a shoot with.

Him two months ago, so shout out to Rome. Photos by Rome. He's also.

With it. Okay, that's my brother right there.

When we're doing the photo shoot, I don't have room and so I'm having to adjust to the photographer.

And you know, they're used to models. I'm not a model.

Okay, they're used to models, so they're used to kind of folks knowing exactly what to do, and I don't know exactly what to do.

I do need guidance.

Okay, I'm like on the ground, like in a bikini, Like it's just a lot. So it's not a pillow, it's a T shirt. I'm literally lying on clothes that I'm in the middle of putting away. So now I am.

All set.

We do this first shot, and now we are going to the next stop. So we get in the van and we go to the next stop. And the next stop is is on a sailboat in the carnage. And anybody who is from somewhere were from somewhere somewhere, like many of us take pride in knowing, you know, like the ones and twos of that place. And I'm the kind of person where I feel like, if you know the ones in tooses somewhere, like put me on you know what I'm saying, Like help me out. And so

But da da da da.

And I was like, hey, he's lying, y'all. They be having Hella folks on that boat. So I'm thinking again that I'm being helpful. Okay, I'm thinking I'm being helpful. So we go on the boat and I take the photos and you know, they actually end up like this whole boat set up scene. I saw some of the like shots on the camera and they looked really really well, they looked really dope.

It was a woman photographer.

She was brilliant with her eye, just really dope.

And so.

Now we get in the car and we start to drive. But no one's telling me where we're going. Now, remember I was already frustrated before. Now I've kind of I plateaued, But it's not like it's not like anyone ever met my.

Needs.

I just plateaued in my frustration, but it never necessarily regulated.

Does that make sense?

So for anyone who's joining us, I am telling a story about a neurodivergent meltdown that took place during an Essence magazine photoshoot that I did in Grenada in twenty nineteen.

So now we are driving.

And my homegirls, Tornia and this one who was my friend at the time, Terra, they have come to join us. Now there was another girl that I thought was cool with me, but I very quickly saw that she, even though she was Grenadian, that she had very much tethered herself to the essence folks versus me. And I understood quickly like, oh, she's in an opportunism mind state, so like that's where she's gonna lean in versus being on

Now, hold on, now where are we going?

Because we're supposed to be going to the waterfall, to Anadale Fall, and then we're supposed to be going to Belmont estate in the country. However, I realized, wait a minute, we've passed Annadale and Townia is I mean, she's like the Grenada. I mean, she's literally the head of marketing for Grenada tourism. Now, so I say to Tonia, did.

We passed at a Dale? All? Right? Then she was like, yeah, we pass it.

So now this is when I start feeling very dysregulated for all of my neurodivergence out there. Tell me if you have felt this way as well, Like when you are diverted from the plan and no one informs you, it makes you feel very scrambly, like.

You start to I don't know, like you start.

To pandit panic, right, because it's like what you had aligned.

And expected is now not happening. And so now you know the mask, it's still a fixated fix fixated, right.

So I'm like, Hey, what's going on?

How come we're not going to the to the waterfall?

Oh no, We're not going to the waterfall anymore because we have to go to Belmont or else it's gonna close. Okay, I can put up with changes to a certain extent. However, once you lie to me, I start to really.

Unravel.

I don't I don't manage that well. And for many folks who have said, Amanda's this, Amanda's that they may have lied to me or I thought they lied to me, and so they.

They got the shift.

So once they once they said, if we don't get to bell we were we we had to skip the waterfall because we have to go to Belmont. I knew they were lying. My aunt owns Belmont estate. So you're telling me that she says she's gonna close it before we get there. You telling me that chadel is a cool is it before.

They get in?

And also think about the American hubris of lying to a Grenadian about Grenada. Picture that, like, that's so wildly arrogant. So she says this to me, My mask is starting to slip. I call Chadell. I'm sitting in front of Shorty. I call Shadell and should I said, you know, they said that if we don't go, if we don't go, no, that they're you're gonna close the You're gonna.

Close your state. She said, well, you mean close your stance. We waited for you. We live. Yeah, they wait, I mean.

So I get off the phone and I turn around and I say, you know, I'm not sure why you weren't being honest with me, but I know that the reason we're skipping the waterfall isn't because of Belmont. My aunt shadel owns Belmont to state, So why are you lying to me? Oh? And you know what's wild is how when people are accused of lying who are actually lying to you, they are so gifted at making it like you are the problem for pointing out that they're

And I was like, so.

Now I look up and I realize that we are at grinning Tang National Park and Granny Tang is a.

Rainforest. So I'm like, oh, this is perfect.

Like we didn't get to do the rain we didn't get to the waterfall, but we're here at Grinny Tang and we can just hop out right here and get some pictures with the monkeys. It'll be perfect. So the driver like stops before we can get out. Fina, Well, who is the designer. She's a Grenadian Brooklyn Night, but she's also a designer, and she we were wearing her clothes for the shoot.

Now I did not.

So something that also happens as a neuro divergent is that people be doing slick shit and you don't even know, and so you just live in your life in a very direct fashion and then you end up throwing off slic shit.

People be doing.

So there was clearly some and I'm not even trying to say, let me take this back. I don't know if they were doing slick shit, but whatever they were doing, I.

Was not privy to it.

So when we stop at Granny Tang, she walks up to the van in a huff.

And it's like, you need to stop.

You're from Grenada, I'm from Grenada.

We're both from Grenada. But you are not in charge of this shoot.

We have already chosen what we're doing, we have already decided where we're stopping.

Now, I want y'all to know.

I was under the impression I was doing a photo shoot with Essence magazine that I was the star of. So it was unbeknounst to me that fino El was somehow in charge of this photo shoot because she was not a part of any of the conversations that I had with Essence. I knew I was wearing her clothes in some of the pictures, but I had no idea that she was somehow, you know, the creative director or any of that.

Like, I had no I'm.

Thinking, I'm talking to the girl. I'm thinking I'm talking to the lady in charge. So it was a shock to me when the door opened and this woman is here putting me in my place.

So now hold on, let me block this guy. So now I'm like getting checked.

And I had no idea because again I'm thinking, I'm trying to restore, preserve what.

I signed up to do, and she's telling me, no, this is what we decided to do.

We only have a certain amount of time, and we made this, We made these decisions, and so you need to stop because you are not in charge. So she walks off, the door closes. For those of you all who are joining, I started this live by showing a video of a man talking about the difference between neurotypicals and neurodivergence when they respond in frustration, and that neurodivergence and neurotypicals have a different way.

Neurotypical folks will.

Respond linear, where they are essentially rising in attitude, well, not attitude is not the way I'm looking for, but rising in frustration, and you're able to see it. Whereas if you're a neurodivergent, you already showed up with a mask, and behind that mask you're rising in frustration, but people can't see it because your mask is affixed.

However, once you finally.

Reach frustration mode that is unmaskable, it looks like you have a temper because you have actually been building up to that mode.

Behind the mask the entire time. And that's what happened.

Y'all.

That door closed. We drove maybe like ten seconds, and I said, what the bullshit outside out?

But that's missed.

No, y'all are screaming on. I will also insert into that.

The frustration is very layered, because the frustration is not simply that.

Oh, you weren't told something or that you got checked.

The frustration is also a fear because you weren't protected. It's also an abandonment because you were dismissed and you were also disregarded. So all of these things are happening. And if you're a neurodivergent person, you are constantly misunderstood, Like that's that's your entire existence. I didn't find I didn't find myself understood until two years ago. And I think that's even generous. Probably a year ago, you know what. Better Yet, I didn't understand myself until a year ago.

I have spent my whole life being misunderstood.

So I mean, I look at the smear campaigns that I've had against me, so imagine and that imagine being missernessed publicly.

I mean, that's its own thing.

So when I read these things about neurodivergence and I see these videos about neurodivergence, they're so reaffirming because I carried shame about that blow up for years. Years after that blow up, we got to Belmont, no one would speak to me, no one pulled me to the side, no one felt the need to communicate with me.

And then I started my period.

And my homegirl like scrunged up a tampon from like the nether worlds of her Mary Poppins purse, and.

Oh and it didn't have an applicator, and.

So I I but.

But here's the thing.

I am the picture of professionalism, the picture of professionalism. So even though I'm going to flip, I'm still going to complete the task. So I got my act together. I'm Chadell, my aunt who owns she's an aunt by marriage, but she's shown up more than my aunt. So Auntie Chadell more than my blood aunt. So Chadell came and give me some food and and I went and did what I needed to do to finish the shoot, and them women did not speak to me for the rest of the shoot.

We got back in the van.

And we're driving back and they then start talking about they want to do a shoot on the road back, and I'm like, They're like, we want to do a shoot with the sea behind you. I'm like, it's nighttime. It's not a full moon tonight. You're not gonna be able to see the sea. But these are things that I let people know. You're gonna like the ocean, what you're gonna bounce light off of Jupiter? Like, what's the plan? So I say to the driver, like, no, you can

Is in this van.

Everybody is here because of me. And this is the thing that I hate having to do. I hate having to flex. I can't stand having to fucking flex.

It is so unnecessary. And it's like people push you. You know, as I'm saying that push you.

I always say, people push you and then get surprised when you trip. And when we got back Dung to the hotel, Fino Well.

Had had my necklace. She had my Granada necklace. Earlier in the day.

I gave it to her, you know, before I did the shoe, and some random person I don't even know who, I can't even remember who gave it to me, but it wasn't her.

Someone came and gave it back to me.

She was apparently so upset at me that she could just not give me back my necklace. Everyone was upset at me, and I'm trying to tell y'all. I learned later that the chick was upset that I had given her a tip about her foundation. They were upset that I was telling them like oh yeah, he fronted, there's more room on the boat.

Like.

They were upset because they felt like I was.

Trying to boss them around instead of trying to provide input. And the other mind, you I am the subject of the shoot. I am the subject of the shoot. There was no respect, no regard whatsoever for me. I was irrelevant. And when we got again, when we got back to the hotel, supposed to do a digital interview, and the same Julie person was like, so.

I'm not sure if you still want to do the interview.

I said, no, no, no, I definitely want to do the interview.

Yes, I do, That's what I signed up for.

So then I went and I did the interview, which ended up doing very well on the line online by the way, But they actually did not run my interview with my photo shoot in the magazine as a punishment.

That night.

So now the next day I see all of them in the airport and I learned that that night.

Oh.

The other thing they were upset about was that the chick who had switched sided on me. Remember I told y'all the chick who had switched sided on me, who I thought was my homie. But then she decided that she wanted to be riding with them, So I was like, all right, think cool. They were like when we had gotten to Granny Tank and they started yelling at me. They were like, well, we need to go because she got in a car accident. And I was like, is she okay? And they're like yeah, and I'm like, so

What what? What? What does? What? Is she okay? Yes? So then what what what's the issue? What are why are we? Why is that a point of contention? Okay?

Why if she's not okay, the conversation's gonna go in a different direction.

I learn.

That after the shoot they all went to dinner, invited Shorty who had gotten the car accident, and did not invite me. I learn all of this at the airport. I turned to them in line at the airport and I'm like, you know, I know that yesterday did not seem to go as planned.

However, I would hate for.

Things to leave on a negative note, and so I just want to extend like an olive branch to y'all because I really just want to have it be positive and so this is another neurodivergent thing.

We will also all wit is take the rap.

That's why it's so wild to me when people call me a victim, because I am actually at home running through my head over and over and over again, how I could have behaved differently, How I could have avoided this, What did I do wrong?

What did I not say? What could I have said?

This is the rumination that's happening, and this will go on for days, weeks, years, This went on for years with this essence shoot years.

For years. I was in my head about it and I hugged them.

And I'll also never forget that once I got through Customs and Immigration, Jesse Smilett called me and was like, I really need you to understand that these folks is lying on me.

And I was like, my nigga, I.

Mean, if that's what you say, and I believe you shit until.

They until that's proven guilty.

I mean, who I'm definitely gonna believe you before the motherfucking cops. So I thought that we had gotten square before we left, and then the editor at the time, what's her name, Corey Corey called my publicist talking about Amanda had an attitude blah blah blah blah blah, and most importantly, the photos came out fabulous.

The photos came out fabulous.

But the reason I I told this story is because for both neurotypicals and neurodivergence, So for me, once I understood that I was autistic, and I started doing research on my autism and how it affects the way I respond to things and how it aligns with my other elements of self, like my empathy, my empathicness, my my my codependency, my abandonment issues, et cetera. Like once I did all of that work, it the autism. So the leftist, Jake, the leftist in here you had asked earlier, like when

Because it was like the.

It was like the missing It was like the skeleton key that unlocked.

That one door that made all.

All of those other things come together, Like it made it all make sense, and it alleviated the shame that I would carry that I had been carrying for why I couldn't change the way that I was reacting and why couldn't change the way that things were because and it's because I didn't know what was triggering me. I just knew that I was responding. And so now I have the foresight to be able to say, these are my needs, like my right my right hand, Cathia, she will tell them this is what Amanda needs.

She will you want the best, Amanda, do this.

You know my security brother, Emir, he now understands what I need and when he doesn't provide, it's a mouthful.

And so it's been so.

Liberating to understand these things also because.

They removed that mask.

And allowed me to exist in my full self, understanding.

My tools and how to use them. And I know that I don't.

So now it's like without that mask, I am responding in a more linear fashion because I'm communicating my frustration. It's not masked. I'm communicating it. This is frustrating me. I am frustrated right now. This is making me uncomfortable. I am annoyed. Okay, I want to get off the phone.

It's not.

It hurts because I now am at a point where like there's no, oh, you could still be around this capacity, uh ah, because you don't care for me. You're not going this. This life is difficult, This.

World is incredibly unrelenting.

So I cannot allow anybody in my immediate center that will not protect all aspects of me.

I'm gonna show that for them.

And I've had to remove friends, I've had to change the way I interact in professional spaces, et cetera.

And I don't listen, I don't flinch. Once I see it.

I'm about it, I exit, I know nope, And once I know when it's the opposite, I acknowledge it, I praise it, I connect with it, and I lift it up. And it's really empowering, and it really reminds you that even though you are neurodivergent and the world feels like you are an alien, you aren't the only one here.

And I said, what I'm thinking, Like, he got a sword? You know? Does he have like a dagger strapped to his calf? Did he pulled? Did he did he throw dirt in their face?

And he said, my emotions? I said, what that man said?

He turned around to this gaggle lagoons walking towards him and said.

Hey, y'all making me uncomfortable. And he said they stopped deading their tracks. They was like, well, sir, you're you're making us uncomfortable. And he's like, well, I'm so and so.

And I am not here to do no sideways shit.

And they was like, well, we're so and so and we are not here to do no sideway shit either.

And he was like, all right, so then you.

Ain't got no problems. I ain't got no problems, so we can just keep going with no problems. And he said, they was kind of like alright, shit and kept it moving and I was like.

Wait, what did you do? After that? He was like, in't got my strap? Why the hell was I acting without it in the first place.

However, this is one of my neurodivergent brothers, okay, because the fact that he even considered communicating his feelings as a method, And to this day that's the homie because we see things on that vibrant and so now that's how I exist. If I feel uncomfortable, I will voice it. And if the person I'm talking to dismisses that, it ain't for me, baby, it ain't for me, and I will cancel it. I will cancel the friendship, I will.

Octopus. Nope, I'm back under the rock. M So thank you, Maverick.

So I wanted to share that story with y'all because I think many of us have been in situations like that where we, like some people said earlier in my story, well.

I would have just walked off.

But to be quite honest, at that time, I didn't have the courage to do that. I didn't have the courage to just say, man, fuck y'all and walk off. I also didn't have the support to do that. I was on a photo shoot for Essence magazine. It's twenty nineteen. My book is coming out that year. I just did a tour. I just did a stand up comedy tour. I just did my my special just came out. Like this is a time when my star is rising and

I could, which is to go on Instagram.

I mean, that wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it was just what it was. My publicists at the time. Instead of like when she saw it hitting me like are you okay, she was more bothered that I hadn't contacted her, So you know, that was the environment. So as much as like we want to say, like, oh, I would have walked off et cetera, Like, yeah, twenty twenty five Seals would have been like you fuck yourself, but twenty nineteen Seals is like, no, I can't walk off.

But you know, you just don't know how people are gonna.

Respond, So there's a dance that you're doing, right. But I just wanted to share that for both neurotypical folks and neuro divergent folks because ultimately we're all on this planet together, so we have to be able to understand the differences in each other's brains, right, And there's such an expectation for neurodivergent folks to understand neurotypical brains, but there isn't an expectation for neurotypical folks to understand neurodivergent brains.

I mean, people still say that I became that I quote unquote became autistic, so that the bad things people.

Say about me, I could be excused, like that's the type of shit people beyond, so you know, that's that's where people are at.

So I feel like there's there's a very.

Beautiful, illuminating like enlightenment that happened with being able to understand how I reacted to things in the past and why, and also understanding like what to expect of myself in the present and future. And then it's no surprise that I also left Hollywood one because I was being ostracized for all of those things. And also those are not

That's how you get masks.

So what I've been very fortunate to do is set up a world for myself where I can exist without my mask. And I wish that for everyone here. I wish it for you because we are in such a dark time. You know, it's such a frustratingly just dystopian time that sometimes you feel like you got a mask literally for yourself you know what I mean, Like, Damn, I can't. I just can't be sad, Like I mean, how am I gonna get through anything if I'm just sad?

Shit?

And so it's like just really trying to manage all of that, and we don't even have good content to watch because movies.

And TV shows are in lutgutterer. So I spent all day to day trying to just not like let it stop me.

But I'm very fortunate that I got my little babies here. That's Jedi, that's Sankara. We got Lammba right here, we got Jordie right here. I'm pretty sure Mando is in the bathroom.

He has a little perch in there that he likes. And Hooy's downstairs by the fire, so shout out.

The thing about K dramas is that I love K dramas, but I can't multitask with a K drama because I have to read the subtitles. So it sucks. I'm about to just watch the Office again. So I hope this helped folks, And I just want to just give everybody a little injection of.

Like empowerment.

And oh yeah, the care bear he'd been there for that's that's Cloverdale. I've had Cloverdale since two thousand and full No.

Two thousand and three.

I got them at the CBS that used to be in the base that used to be in the basement on the ground level of the building at twenty twenty one forty ninth Street, well twenty twenty one sixth Avenue, but the entrance is on forty ninth Street. And someone had asked me about ruminating. The thing that helped me with ruminating is I gotta remember what podcast it was that I listened to. And then also my homegirl Margo Joff Margo Yaffi, and you can check out the episodes

So I've had to learn that tool.

And you know, I've been triggered in the past where I could not get out of the cycle, and the only thing and well, I won't say the only thing, but then I immediately applied myself to drawing and I was able to get myself out of the cycle and

You that.

You tried, you asked questions, you were dismissed. Like, everyone has a limit, everyone has their triggers, but more importantly, everyone wants to be seen. And when you are no divergent and you are consistently not seen, you are a bit more sensitive to spaces where you are being disregarded, particularly when it is going to directly impact you. So you know, I just I want to implore you to just have grace with yourself, lean into your tools.

You know, Like last night.

I got triggered and someone that I really care about really showed me that they are not able to show up for me the way that I need to be honored, respected, regarded. And I had to really talk myself down. I had to say to myself, you know, Amanda, you feel this way because of this. These feelings are attached to this response. That is why you are feeling this way. And I had to keep taking my deep breaths and I had to use my affirmations and I had to just regulate myself.

Of capitalism. Good night, y'all. I hope you enjoyed story time.

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