Welcome to The Simplify Your Life Podcast, where we talk about how to create a life you won’t need an escape from! I’m Coach Simona, author of the book “111 Ways to Simplify Your Life”, and I’m glad you decided to tune in! Today's podcast episode is going to be a little bit different. I wanted to share with you the 8 love lessons that I’ve learned over the the last 35 years, and all the things I wish I knew about relationships when I was younger.
The first love lesson is that There’s a Good Chance Your First Love Won’t Be Your Last To be honest with you, it took me a few years back in high school to wrap my head around this one. I’ve always been a sucker for romantic movies, but life doesn't work like that and more often than not, our first loves are meant to stay precisely where they began: in our teenage years. But why does it happen?
Our brains aren’t fully developed until we’re in our mid-twenties which means if we experience our first love beforehand, there’s a high chance it wouldn’t stand the test of time. Don't get me wrong: I know some high school sweethearts who managed to keep the spark alive throughout the years, but for the most part, your first love is not likely to stay with you for the rest of your life. And that’s okay.
The second love lesson that I learned is that You Need to Get Vulnerable If You Want to Be In a Relationship If you’ve experienced a lot of pain in your past, it’s normal to build an emotional wall to protect yourself. Every time someone hurts you, you fight back and promise yourself never to open up again. The wall keeps growing bigger and bigger. Until you completely shut your feelings off. If you often feel empty or numb, make sure to check out this episode next.
I will leave a link to it in the description box below. Now, back to the topic of vulnerability.. I’ve been in a few serious relationships where I really loved the other person, but they all ended badly because I wanted to protect myself from getting hurt. I’ve been with people who loved me but couldn’t commit or felt vengeful because they couldn’t communicate their hurt and frustration in a constructive way. Until I met my husband about 10 years ago.
And through a lot of inner work, love, and acceptance we were able to build a strong foundation for our relationship that is based on trust, respect, and honesty. Now, let’s move onto the next love lesson that I learned the hard way: Life Is Short, Make the First Move We’ve all heard stories about people who remained in the friend zone forever. If you don’t take a chance on love, you may miss out on the opportunity to find your soulmate.
It’s not easy to build up the courage to express your feelings, but it’s always worth it. Now, the question remains: Should women approach men? Or is that a recipe for a future disaster? In my personal opinion, it doesn’t matter who begins the conversation. I think as a society, we’ve grown past that. Yes, it can be tough to tell the person you love what they mean to you, but if you don’t give it a try, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what could have happened.
And one thing you don’t want to do is live a life full of regrets. So make the first move. Love lesson #4 is that Your Partner Can’t Read Your Mind When I was in my early 20s, I got angry at my partners for not doing what I expected them to do. I had this toxic belief that ‘If he really loves me, he’ll know what to do.’ But the truth is that the other person can’t read your mind, no matter how many hints you give them.
If you want to build a deeper connection with your partner, be honest about your needs and wants, always speak your mind, share your beliefs and opinions, and express your feelings openly. The problem is that by trying to imply things or give them clues, you’re not giving them a clear message, and that could be truly confusing if you’re on the receiving end of that.
What’s interesting to note here is that sometimes the things we want from other people have something to do with relying on external validation and not knowing how to meet our own emotional needs. If you think that is the case for you, you’ll find my video on how to validate yourself very helpful.
You can watch it after this one by visiting: youtube.com/coachsimona The next love lesson that I learned is that Great Relationships Require a Lot of Work Every relationship begins with the honeymoon phase: you’re in love and willing to go the extra mile to make it work. In time, reality kicks in, and you start fighting over little things like who forgot to buy the milk or who should do the dishes. That’s normal, but that’s not all there is. Relationships require a lot of work.
The truth is that you can’t rely on love alone to sustain the relationship. You need to build a strong foundation by having common values, knowing how to meet your partner’s needs and your own needs, and being able to rediscover each other no matter how many years you’ve been together.
The next love lesson is a combination of two very similar concepts: Don’t Force Your Partner to Change/Don’t Let Them Change You When you’re in love, everything about your partner seems so magical: the way they walk, the way they talk, the way their hair shines in the sunlight… One day, you wake up, and you can’t stand all these little things you used to love!
You want them to act differently, you have all these massive expectations, and you want them to react in a certain way that fits your dream scenario. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting your partner to become a better version of themselves, nagging is the worst thing you could do. They don’t have to change who they are just to please you, and you don’t have to walk on eggshells either. You need to understand that people can only change IF they want to.
Even if they seemingly change because of you, they’ll most likely fall back into their old habits or start resenting you for making them do it. As humans, we don’t like being told what to do. If you want to help the person that you love, tell them your opinion and give them the space to make their own decision. After all, it’s their life, not yours. And as far as the other part of this love lesson goes, don’t let them change you either.
This doesn’t mean you can’t adjust your habits and routines, especially if you live together. I’m talking about being clear about who you are as a person and aware of the fact that you probably can’t change your entire personality for them, and frankly, you shouldn't. If either of you has completely different set of core values and goals for the future, you have
1. Accept the person for who they are because they’re highly unlikely to change, or 2. You could both find someone who is a better match. Which brings me to the next love lesson which is that: You Can Be Right, or You Can Be Happy When you’re in the middle of a fight with someone you love, it can be difficult to handle the situation because you want to ‘win’ the argument.
When I was a teen, I remember hearing the saying: ‘You can be right or you can be happy’, but it took me about ten years and a lot of relationship drama to understand it fully. As we all know, life isn’t black or white There are lots of shades in between. We all have different opinions, but sometimes the outcome is more important than being right. Sometimes you can be both, but it’s a rare occasion.
Even if you win the argument, you will most likely hurt the person you love, and that’s not the best outcome either. So, choose wisely.
Which brings me to the next love lesson which is that: Love Is the Only Thing Stronger Than Fear This is the most important lesson for one simple reason: Every time you run for the hills in the middle of an argument with your partner or you fear being on your own while they’re processing things, you’re either afraid or you don’t know how to communicate your feelings.
Two types of fears create the push-pull dynamic: Fear of engulfment (which is feeling controlled and dominated by your partner, along with losing yourself in the relationship) And the second fear is Fear of abandonment (being rejected or abandoned by your partner, along with feeling unlovable). When you’re experiencing either one of these fears, you put all the pressure on the other person, and you’re missing the most crucial piece of the puzzle: you. Let’s talk about attachment styles.
There are three major styles of attachment: insecure (avoidant and anxious) and secure. Fear of engulfment is typical for the avoidant type. They’re self-sufficient, independent, dislike true intimacy, and tend to push away their partners when they get too close. They have commitment issues and would rather focus on their work, passions, or personal projects than spend time with their partners.
If you have problems with detachment and you’ve been noticing that every time you try to get closer, your partner pulls away, that might be a sign that they’re obviously attached. Fear of abandonment is a common characteristic for the anxious type who often feel nervous around their partner. They’re constantly on the lookout for drama and need a lot of affection and validation. They struggle to be alone and are prone to feeling jealous, overly sensitive, or obsessed with their partners.
If you struggle with detachment, there’s a high chance you might be in this category. Both of these attachment styles are insecure, which means they formed as a result of an unstable, neglectful relationship with their parents or primary caretakers. According to Psychologist Mary Ainsworth, the other type of attachment is called secure and stems from having a secure and loving relationship with their primary caretakers.
I’ve made an entire video on the art of detachment, so if you want to learn more make sure to watch it after this one. Now, back to love being the only thing stronger than fear. If you take a closer look at yourself, you’ll find that these insecure feelings come from experiencing a traumatic event in the past that made you fear intimacy with others. The good news is, you're not this person anymore, and you can choose to react differently.
One small step you can take in that direction is to start being honest about who you are, what you want, what you don’t want, and where your boundaries lie in a relationship. If you want to show your true authentic self to someone, you first need to be able to get to know all parts of yourself and learn to love yourself, unconditionally. I’ve created a free cheat sheet that will help you get to know your shadow self.
If you want to download it, just click the first link in the description box below or head over to: coachsimona.com/shadow Thanks so much for tuning in! If you enjoyed this podcast episode, please like it, subscribe, and I’ll see you in the next one!