Welcome to The Simplify Your Life Podcast, where we talk about how to create a life you won’t need an escape from! I’m Coach Simona, author of the book “111 Ways to Simplify Your Life”, and I’m glad you decided to tune in. In today’s podcast episode, we’re going to answer the question: “Why do I sabotage my relationships?” and I’m going to share with you three practical tips on how to stop sabotaging yourself.
Now, before we get into my step-by-step guide on how to stop sabotaging your relationships, let’s first define what self-sabotage actually means. A popular definition of self-sabotage is behavior that undermines your success despite your own wishes, dreams, or values. So, in a nutshell, self-sabotage is related to behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from achieving the things that you want, which, in this case, is having a healthy, loving relationship with someone.
Now, the second important question is: Why do I sabotage my relationships? There are many reasons why you might be sabotaging your relationships, but I’m going to focus on three of them. The first one is lack of self-confidence If you question your worth, feel like you’re not good enough, or you don’t deserve to be with that person, that’s a sign you need to work on building self-confidence.
When you lack self-confidence, you might feel jealous, insecure about your partner’s relationships with others, and start engaging in self-sabotaging behavior. You may start doubting yourself, questioning every move, and overthinking every little fight you have.
Lack of self-confidence robs you of your ability to be present with your significant others, because you’re too preoccupied with thinking about all the things that could potentially go wrong, and as a result, you start sabotaging your relationship. We often lack self-confidence when we’re disconnected from our true, authentic selves.
I’ve already made an in-depth video on this topic, so if want o learn more, make sure to watch it after this one at: youtube.com/coachsimona The second reason why you might be sabotaging your relationship is fear of rejection If you felt unwanted by your caretakers growing up or lived in a hostile environment that prevented you from feeling safe, you might have developed this fear.
When you fear rejection as an adult, this can show up in many forms: you may feel inadequate, weird, awkward, and prefer to stay silent when you need to speak up. Fear of rejection can only be healed once you learn how to forgive anyone who knowingly or unknowingly hurt you in the past and work on becoming comfortable in your own skin.
When it comes to fear of rejection in relationships, it might develop later in life when you experience someone embarrassing you, humiliating you in public, cheating on you, or spreading rumors about you. Fear of rejection is difficult to overcome because all of your defenses might go up the moment you sense even the slightest change in your partner’s behavior. You might be expecting the worst to happen, and push them away without having any adequate reason to do so.
And the third most common reason for sabotaging yourself is fear of abandonment. Where does fear of abandonment from? It usually happens when you fear that your caretakers might leave you, or they don’t pay enough attention to you. It may have something to do with the death of a parent, or someone who constantly works and has no time for you.
When you fear abandonment as an adult, that can show up in one of the following forms: you may be too afraid to get into a relationship because you fear what will happen if this person decides to leave you. You may be too scared to stand up for yourself because you’re afraid that the people you care about will abandon you once they see your true self. Fear of abandonment can only be healed once you learn how to enjoy your own company and trust yourself to take care of your own emotional needs.
By realizing that being separate from your partner is the only way to grow as an individual, you will have a strong, healthy relationship, and you will stop sabotaging your love life. And here’s something that’s rarely talked about but I think applies to all three reasons for sabotaging your relationships, and that is being afraid of getting hurt, which leads to pushing people away.
The problem is that by fighting with your partner, you’re hurting yourself and your relationship by playing out fictitious scenarios in your mind that have nothing to do with reality. Now, I'm going to share with you my three-step guide to stop sabotaging your relationships. Step #1 is to Observe your self-sabotaging thoughts without acting on them How can you observe your thoughts without actually engaging with them?
First, you need to become aware of them, so that you can spot them next time they arise in your mind. Here are some common examples of self-sabotaging thoughts: “I don’t deserve it”, “I’m not good enough”, “People always leave me”, “I’m unloveable”, etc. All of these thoughts might prompt you to act on them. For example, if you think you’re not good enough, you may constantly find reasons to pick fights with your partner.
You might feel insecure, jealous, or anxious, and that might prompt you to act out in a self-sabotaging way.
Before you can change your behavior, you need to be aware of all these thoughts, since they’re the first thing that happens, before you feel the intense emotions, which actually leads me to the second step, which is to: Become aware of your emotions Once you’re aware of the negative thoughts that are going through your mind when you’re about to do something that could potentially sabotage your relationship, it’s time to pay attention to the emotions you feel as a result of these thoughts.
What sensations are most prominent in your body? Do you feel anxious, angry, sad, or frustrated? Can you spot a pattern when it comes to the emotions you feel most often when you’re about to say or do something that you might regret later? The more aware you become of your emotions, the easier it will be to regulate them. There are lots of ways to practice emotional regulation, but I’m going to share with you one of my favorite exercises. It’s called “STOP AND REFLECT”.
Next time you feel an intense emotion, I want you to imagine that there’s a huge red stop button in front of you and I want you to imagine pressing it. By visualizing it in your mind, it will be easier for you to pause before reacting and think of a better way to handle the situation. Let’s say you feel jealous and you’re about to pick a fight with your significant other.
You feel angry, and right before you’re about to storm into the room, you hit the big red button, take a few deep breaths, and start reflecting on it. Are the emotions you’re feeling actually facts? Is there a valid reason to feel this way? Has your partner given you any reason to doubt them? Spend some time alone and reflect on your emotions, before taking any action.
Which leads me to the next step, which is to Choose an alternative behavior Now that you’ve slowed down and regulated your emotions, it’s time to think of a healthier behavior that you can engage in next time you’re faced with self-sabotaging thoughts and emotions. What can you do instead of fighting them? How can you not blame them, but have a healthy, constructive discussion? What can you do so you don’t activate their defenses but have an authentic connection and effective communication?
One of the first things you can do is to start your sentences with “I” instead of "You." For example, instead of saying “You make me feel” say, “I feel”, or instead of telling them what they need to do, tell them what you think would be the best way to handle the situation, and let them decide for themselves.
One more thing that would help when you feel like you’re about to sabotage your relationship, is instead of reacting, choose to spend some time alone, recognizing that some of your insecurities might be causing you to react this way, and not talking to them about the issue at all. Depending on the situation, some things are not worth sharing, especially if you’ve noticed that they have nothing to do with the other person and are all about your own insecurities and shortcomings.
For example, if you have a history of fear of abandonment, you might subconsciously sabotage your relationships by acting in a way that pushes your partner away. And here’s my BONUS tip for you: Don’t take yourself too seriously We often sabotage ourselves because we pay too much attention to our self-image, the way we’re being perceived by others, and all the things we want to portray. You want to hear the truth that your ego doesn’t want to know about? You’re not that important.
I’m not that important. We’re all part of something so much bigger. So, there’s no point in overthinking your relationship so much. You’re sabotaging yourself because you’re scared. There’s no need to be. Even if your relationship fails, you’re still going to be okay. Because you’re already enough. So stop taking yourself too seriously, have fun with what you’re doing, and slowly but surely, sabotaging your relationships will become a thing of the past.
And if you want my step-by-step framework on how to love and accept every part of yourself, make sure to check out The Self-Love Toolkit by visiting: www.theselflovetoolkit.com Thanks so much for tuning in! If you enjoyed this podcast episode, please like it, subscribe, and I will see you in the next one.