Welcome to The Simplify Your Life Podcast, where we talk about how to create a life you won’t need an escape from! I’m Coach Simona, author of the book “111 Ways to Simplify Your Life”, and I’m glad you decided to tune in. In today’s podcast episode, we’re going to talk about teaching people how to treat you, and I’m going to share with you 5 mistakes you might be currently making, and how to fix them, so that you can feel more respected, understood, and accepted by others.
Now, I want to make a quick disclaimer before we continue: This episode is for educational purposes only, and will not work for you if you’re in an abusive relationship. If that is the case for you, please, seek the help of a therapist. Now, we’ve all heard the saying: “You teach people how to treat you”, but why is it so hard to communicate our needs and wants effectively? For many of us, honest and open communication might remind us of painful experiences growing up.
When we’re young, we’re way more susceptible to the reactions of others. In fact, in the early stages of development, it’s normal to constantly seek the attention and reassurance of our parents and primary caretakers. That makes us feel safe, like we have a constant protective figure that’s looking out for us, and we have nothing to be afraid of.
Until we get punished for something or deeply hurt by the people we trusted the most. What happens is we develop defense mechanisms to protect ourselves and, in many cases, try to morph ourselves into this cookie-cutter, vanilla, picture-perfect version of ourselves. Let’s call it the “good girl” or “good boy” dynamic, which is actually a very interesting topic I will make a separate video on. Now, back to the “good” version of you.
The one that’s always polite. Never dares to raise its voice. Serves their parents relentlessly. Knows when to keep quiet. Doesn’t think about its own needs, because it’s too busy taking care of everybody else’s needs instead. That version of you is the reason why you get mistreated by others. But today, we’re going to change that. Let’s start by pointing out the 5 mistakes you might be currently making, or at least become aware of them, so that you can spot them in the future.
Mistake #1 is Not knowing what you want or need Teaching people how to treat you truly starts with developing a level of radical self-awareness and honesty that’s going to benefit you in the long run. When you’re not aware of your needs, it’s impossible to communicate them effectively. But how do you find out what you need, especially if you’re not in tune with your authentic emotions?
One of the first things I recommend is to ask yourself multiple times throughout the day one simple question: “What do I need right now?” Here are some examples of needs: love, safety, security, acknowledgment, recognition, significance, physical touch, adventure, freedom, etc. Let me give you an example. Let’s say you feel mistreated by your friend. You feel like you’re the one who’s always “chasing” them, calling them, giving them attention, and they don’t happen to reciprocate as much.
What is the need that you want to meet by sustaining this friendship? What is the end goal that you want to achieve? Do you need to feel more valued in the relationship? Is it their approval or external validation that you’re craving? Or do you perceive your friendship as one-sided and feel the need to have a more balanced relationship with them? Spend some time reflecting on these questions and apply them to your situation.
The second mistake you might be making when it comes to teaching people how to treat you is Feeling entitled This will be a hard pill to swallow, but I need to share it with you. Feeling entitled won’t get you anywhere. Just like you don’t owe anyone anything, no one owes you anything either. If you want to be treated differently, you need to be able to take full responsibility
for your actions. A great way to do that is to realize that if you want to teach people how to treat you, you need to start communicating with them effectively. Feeling entitled will not only keep you stuck, but it will also lead to bitterness that sometimes can even grow into resentment towards the people around you.
We’ll talk more about how to fix all of these mistakes later on in this episode, but for now, let’s continue with mistake #3, and that is: Bending over backwards to gain someone’s approval One of the biggest mistakes that might teach other people that it’s okay to disrespect you, is paying way too much attention on what they think of you. When they hold that kind of power over you, imagine what happens when you do something that they don’t like.
You don’t need to gain anyone’s approval for one simple reason: You are already enough. I know you’ve been hearing this sentence left and right, but I hope it truly sticks with you this time. If you want to be treated differently, you need to demonstrate that you respect yourself first. And if you want to show others that you know your worth, you need to stop begging for their approval, attention, or affection.
The next mistake you need to avoid is Having unrealistic expectations Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of the people around us, especially when it comes to our family and close friends. If you treat someone kindly, you can’t expect them to reciprocate. Some people don’t know how to respond with kindness, even if they want to. That doesn’t mean necessarily that they don’t want to change, but they might not be at a stage where
they realize their attitude needs to change. And it’s your job to make sure you communicate that. The next mistake is Making someone else your priority Prioritizing someone else over yourself, focusing all of your time and energy on what they might need or want, is a bulletproof way to being disrespected.
When you make someone else your number one priority, what happens is you communicate to them non-verbally that they are the most important person in your life, and no matter how they treat you, you can take it. So our goal here is to begin the process of taking your power back by not letting them disrespect you or mistreat you anymore. Think about it, if you don’t put yourself first, who else is going to do that for you?
You’re the only person who can choose to turn this around. And in the next few minutes, I’m going to show you exactly how to teach people how to treat you. My first tip is to Set healthy boundaries Forget about moping, sulking, passive-aggressiveness, or any other non-effective behavior. The only tool you need is clear, open, and honest communication.
their emotions are their responsibility. You don’t need to think about them right now. Put the focus back on you. What do you want to communicate in this situation? Let’s say someone close to you made a rude comment about your weight. You can say something like: ““It's not okay with me that you comment on my weight. I'd like to ask you to stop."
By stating what you’re not okay with and being clear about the exact thing that you want them to change, you’re letting them know where you stand, and what your boundary is. If this is something that you’ve been struggling with, check out my video on how to say no to people without feeling guilty. I will leave a link to it in the description box below.
Tip number two is to Learn how to give feedback We’re going to explore how to give positive and negative feedback, which is something that would be beneficial for you in all kinds of relationships. Let’s start with giving positive feedback. What does it do, and how can it improve the way other people treat you? Positive feedback, also known as positive reinforcement, helps you motivate future behavior by incentivizing it.
if you pay your employee a genuine compliment such as: “Hey, Michael, you did a fantastic job with this presentation! I’m very impressed by your work lately”, they will be more inclined to do great work in the future. Now, onto the good part. How do we give negative feedback in a way that doesn’t activate other people’s defenses?
By starting your sentences with “I”. This will help you will show the other person that they you’re not against them, which will automatically make them feel more relaxed in your presence. For example, if you say: “You make me feel”, their defenses will immediately go up, because they’re going to feel called out. This, in turn might lead them to lash out at you, which is simply a defense mechanism to mask another painful suppressed emotion such as fear, shame, or guilt.
Another important thing to note here is to always use a calm, relaxed, respectful tone of
voice. Don’t raise your voice or yell at them, no matter how frustrated you feel, which actually leads me to my next tip on how to teach people how to treat you, which is to: Communicate potential negative consequences Communicating potential negative consequences is extremely helpful when it comes to teaching people how to treat us, especially when we’re trying to discourage a certain negative behavior from happening again in the future.
You’ve already said what was bothering you, you started your sentence with “I” and now it’s time to set the negative consequences in motion.
“If you keep yelling at me, I’m going to have to leave the room.” The key here is that if you say you’re going to leave the room, you’re going to have to do it. Otherwise, it won't work. No matter how painful it is, no matter how much they guilt-trip you, don’t back down. One more important thing to note here is that when you respect yourself, you set the tone for how others should treat you. You won't tolerate negative destructive behavior,
and you'll have the confidence to stand up for yourself. Remember that self-respect is essential when it comes to being respected by others. If you want to discover the shortcut to self-love, self-respect, and self-compassion, make sure to check out The Self-Love Toolkit by visiting: www.theselflovetoolkit.com Thanks so much for tuning in! If you enjoyed this podcast episode, please like it, subscribe, and I will see you in the next one.