Welcome to The Simplify Your Life Podcast, where we talk about how to create a life you won’t need an escape from! I’m Coach Simona, author of the book “111 Ways to Simplify Your Life”, and I’m glad you decided to tune in! If you’ve ever found yourself completely infatuated with someone, to the point where it feels almost unbearable, then you’re in the right place. Because in today’s podcast episode, we’re going to talk about the dark side of limerence.
We’ll break it down into three chapters: Chapter one will teach you what limerence is; Chapter two will focus on the “why” behind limerence and everything that may be potentially causing it; and Chapter 3 will give you 6 simple, easy to implement tips to beat limerence and take your power back. Alright, let’s start with chapter 1: “What is limerence?” The concept of "limerence" was first described by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979 in her book "Love and Limerence.”
In the book, Tennov describes limerence as “an uncontrollable, biologically determined, inherently irrational, instinct-like reaction”, characterized by intense feelings of attraction, longing, and uncertainty. According to Tennov, limerence can be recognized by “its intrusiveness, its invasion of consciousness against our will.”
So, in a nutshell, limerence refers to the intense, obsessive feeling of being in love with someone, often accompanied by an intense longing to be with them and a fear of rejection. Many of us have experienced limerence at some point in our lives, whether we’re talking about a crush in high school or, in more extreme situations, a full-blown elaborate fantasy with someone unattainable, such as a celebrity. What’s interesting to note here is that limerence is actually a mental activity.
It is an interpretation of events, rather than the events themselves. You admire, you are physically attracted to, you see, or think you see some form of possibility to be with that person, or at least hope that your infatuation could be reciprocated at some point in the future. Limerence can activate the same pleasure centers in our brain as other addictive behaviors, which is why it is so difficult to break the cycle.
One interesting thing about limerence that not many people may know about is that it is not limited to romantic relationships. It can also happen in friendships and even professional relationships. This is known as "non-romantic limerence.” For example, you may become infatuated with a friend, or even an acquaintance. You may feel an intense emotional attachment to this person, and may want to spend all your time with them without having any romantic interest in them.
For the purposes of this podcast episode, we’re going to focus on the regular, romantic form of limerence. Now, at this point, you might be asking yourself: What is the difference between limerence and love? Well, to put it simply, limerence is more intense and it is often one-sided. It is characterized by intense attraction,
infatuation, and longing for the other person. Love, on the other hand, is often reciprocated and refers to having a deeper, intimate, healthy connection between individuals. Limerence is often described as a "head over heels" or "crazy in love" feeling, while love is more of a deep and enduring emotional bond. Now, you might be asking yourself: How do I know if I have limerence?
Well, if you find yourself in a situation where you’re constantly focusing all of your time and energy on them without any signs of reciprocation, you might be dealing with limerence. You may also experience “recurrent limerence” which means you may deal with limerence multiple times throughout your life, with different people. This can make it even harder to overcome.
Now, don’t get me wrong: limerence can be a positive and healthy experience, especially if it’s harmless or short-lived, or if it eventually progresses into a real, reciprocated, relationship. But it can be also problematic when it becomes all-consuming, and interferes with your daily life.
Now, let’s get into chapter 2: “What causes limerence?” There are many factors that can contribute to limerence, but mainly it’s related to the release of certain chemicals in the brain, such as dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals are associated with pleasure and reward and are also involved in addiction. The interesting thing is that they can be triggered by the presence or even the thought of this person.
Another possible reason for limerence is having negative early-life experiences related to insecure attachment and fear of abandonment. For example, growing up in an unstable home, or being neglected or criticized early on. The next possible reason for limerence is not being ready for deeper commitment in your current relationship and looking for ways to fulfill the need for excitement and infatuation that is no longer present in a long-term relationship.
And the last cause for limerence is trying to cope with feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity, and low self-esteem. Now, let’s address another important question: Why is it so hard to overcome limerence? There are a few reasons why it can be hard to overcome limerence: First of all, when we’re talking about limerence, more often than not the feeling is not mutual, and if they’re not reciprocating to our feelings, it can be hard to move on.
Another reason it may be hard to overcome limerence is fear of rejection. The thought of not being accepted and understood by the person you’re infatuated with, can be detrimental to your mental health and well-being. Another possible reason is the intensity of limerence: it can consume your thoughts, and it can be hard to overcome because it’s too overwhelming and you’re too preoccupied with the other person daily.
Now, let’s get into chapter 3: How to beat limerence There are 6 things that you can do to overcome limerence and take your power back. The first one is to Become aware of your needs Humans are need-meeting machines, meaning: all we do all day is try to meet our needs in direct or indirect ways.
For example, limerence is a way of meeting all sorts of needs: it could be the need for connection, intimacy, love, passion, being acknowledged, recognized, feeling significant, important, etc. What is it you’re looking for when it comes to the fantasies you have about this person and how can you try to meet that need in another way? Spend some time reflecting on this question. My second tip is to Realize what you’re avoiding
As we mentioned earlier in this episode, limerence is not love. Pay attention to the intense feeling of longing and yearning, the fear of rejection, and the realization that your love would probably never be reciprocated. Does this make it safer than having an actual, full-fledged relationship with another human being? Is it easier to love someone so unattainable than working through real-life challenges with your potential or current partner?
Realize what you’re trying to run away from. And if you’re having trouble doing that, I recommend listening to episode 99 next on how to stop running away from your problems. I will leave a link below. My next tip is to Get clear about what makes them so special in your eyes What are you so infatuated with, when it comes to this person? What keeps you
coming back for more? Is it something the way they look, the way they talk, the way they dress, their status in society, the power dynamics between you two? Do they remind you of someone else or are you projecting disowned parts of yourself: meaning, qualities that you’d like to develop in yourself and things you’d like to work on? Sometimes we develop limerence because we forget how special we are and we’re
looking for someone else to fill that void. When you’re not appreciating these disowned, underdeveloped parts of yourself, it’s natural to feel admiration when you see someone else who possesses these qualities.
For example, if you’ve disowned your personal strength because of something traumatic that happened to you many years ago, you may be finding reasons to belittle yourself and keep repeating the story that you’re an anxious, fearful individual, who doesn’t have what it takes to be strong and brave in life. Then, you see this amazing powerful person, who knows what they want, they’re brave, unapologetic, and take lots of risks, so you’re naturally drawn
to them. But because you’re so fearful and spend so much time in your head, instead of working on developing these traits in yourself, you develop limerence. You crave their attention, you want to spend as much time as you can with them, you long for their presence in your life, and you think that they’re somehow that perfect person for you, the one who will finally “get you” and the one who will fix all the broken pieces. The problem is, they’re not. They’re not even close.
YOU are the only person who can take all the broken pieces and put them back together. Stop giving your power away. Take a second to appreciate how amazing it is that you’re still here, after all the things you’ve been through. You’re doing the best that you can. And that is enough. You are enough. Tip number 4 is to Reframe the way you see them I want you to think about the way you see this person. Are you idealizing them? Do you find it difficult to see them objectively?
Your task is to find some flaws, some things that bring them back to earth so to speak. Think of some things that they’ve said or done that make them more “human”. I want you to think of things that annoy you or some of their views and opinions that don’t align with yours. Focus on as many as you can, so it’s easier for you to get a more
balanced picture of who they truly are as a person. This will also help you on the long and bumpy road that’s ahead of you when it comes to healing from limerence. My next tip is to Detach yourself from them Depending on the person, you have two options: If you’re friends, I want you to try to distance yourself for a while until you feel more stable and emotionally regulated around them.
And if it’s someone more unattainable, which is most often the case with limerence, for example, someone you’ve barely seen a few times or a celebrity, just limit the time you spend dreaming about them. Don’t talk to your best friend about them, don’t stalk them on social media, don’t look at their pictures, and try to find joy in different areas of your life.
Which actually leads me to the next tip, which is to Focus on yourself Limerence is all about fixating on someone else, being infatuated, obsessed, and spending all of this time and energy on another person. But what about you? Where are you in this picture? It’s time to stop thinking about what they’re doing, how they’re feeling… And put the focus back on YOU. What do you want? Where do you want to be in life in 5 years? What values, traits, and things are important to you?
It’s time to get your priorities straight. If you want to have a meaningful, healthy relationship with someone, it all starts with you, not them. Not by worshipping them and seeing them as the one and only person who could be right for you, but by learning to appreciate and accept every part of yourself. If you need help with that and you want a step-by-step system that will show you exactly how to focus on yourself and become your #1 priority, check out The Self-Love Toolkit.
Just click the first link in the description box below or head over to: www.theselflovetoolkit.com Thanks so much for tuning in! If you enjoyed this podcast episode, please like it, subscribe, and I’ll see you in the next one!