Get up off for that damn House and Donald somebody lo it's Melan wanted that song. I don't know the words, but it reminds me of Allen DeGeneres, Get up up that.
It's one of those songs like you know, but you don't know who sings it, you don't know what it's called. I don't know the words.
What goes after that?
I automatically sort of go to sex Machine by James Brown, but it's not.
Oh yeah, it's not.
I don't think it's a.
Sex a machine.
If you know, get in touch let us know.
Hi everyone, it is Melan Monte. Thanks for joining us on this glorious jay as we podcast into your earballs if you knew, thanks for listening. If you're an oldie, just bloody love you. Thanks so much. So I woke up Saturday morning with a tingle on the lip. No one likes a tingle on the lip.
No one?
Well, yeah, you're right, no one likes a tingle on the lip. And then I touch the lip and I'm like, that's saw. So I get out of bed and race straight to the chemists because I'm that vain and I know what that means. That tingle and I'm like, I need that coalsaw tablet that you take to stop them coming on. Anyway, I took it straight away and one's come up on my lip on the right side of my mouth. And I am one of those people that is a teller. Yes, do you know what I mean?
So everyone, I say, I'm like, oh, yeah, no, I'm gonna.
Of course, I know, because you feel like it's like a planet on your lip.
Oh my god. It's because also, coal saws are so disgusting and they're so contagious, and I haven't had one in literally like fifteen years. Yeah. So now I've got one, and I can tell people are seeing it and in their head they're like colesaw, coal saw. And so I also hug and kiss people when I see them. Yes, so I am now having to go, oh, go to the other side. I say, I'll go to the other side because I don't want to get you with my coalsaw.
I how are those people that just don't even like hide the fact they're looking at it.
They're not even to screen. If you just stare right at it, you honestly can't look at this and like it's just standing out like dogs balls can you hear that? That's Sam calling. I'm gonna hang up on him.
Do you have to get it? Nah?
Later. But also some people are not talents, do you know what I mean? You're either a teller or you're just a dealer, and you just have something on your face and you don't acknowledge it to anyone where. I'm like, if I've gone and had a treatment, be like and red, Oh I've just had a treatment, Like I have to explain it.
It's because you're so self conscious. Remember I told you when I had Bell's palsy, right, I remember opening the door to get a package and Paul Bastard was just wanted to give me my package, and I said, sorry, I know my face looks funny, but I've got Bell's palsy. And He's like, I don't fucking care, lady, just sign here, please.
Oh my god, it's so funny. God, it's so funny. But it also a call saw is just a sign of going, I'm really run down and not coping at the moment. Like it's yes, so obvious when you've got a coal saw that, oh you're a stress Look at that stress ed.
It's like your body's rebelling it is. We know what we can do to make your stress even better. Yeah, you make you look not that you do, because I couldn't even tell it.
No, you can. You can see it now for sure you can. Sounds like it just looks like a scab on your lip. I'm like, brilliant, that's just exactly that's a look I'm after. Mate, It's exactly what I'm after.
If I didn't know you and I was meeting you for the first time, looking at you here, it looks like you've had a little mole on it.
Okay, bit Claudia know what was her name?
Cindy Crawford with the names again, fucking the names up.
Speaking of celebrit eyes from Cindy crawftin to Drew Barrymore. We always have a bit of beef with Drew, like often send videos because she's so cringe worthy.
Yeah, and She's We've talked about like when I see her joy that feels performative or whatever. It makes me. I hate it, But maybe I hate it because I envy it because I'm quite negative.
Yeah, she's We turned on her when she got the camera when it was raining outside and took the camera outside and started crying into it because she was having so much joy. Yeah, And it's like yeah, and then didn't she cry when she was knocking a hole into her kitchen? And it's I just can't handle people grabbing
cameras when they're crying. But also with her talk show, she's all up in people's grill, like no one's business, like the touching, the tactileness, which I get because I'm quite tactole too when I touch people when I talk. But it's too much.
It is too much. There's guests you can visibly see they're uncomfortable. It's like she doesn't read it. She can't read. Oh, I don't want to hold your hand. I'm just here to tell my fucking story and she's holding the hand. I've seen her go out and talk to guests. She'll get on their lap and hug them and get so close to their face. And again this becomes a breath issue.
It's a breadth thing for me. Would be so uncomfortable hate close talkers because I'm like, I don't want to smell your breath. I don't want you to smell mine, like, and so I can't concentrate when people are too close to me for that exact reason. But also there's that footage of Oprah when Oprah was on the count with her and she's holding Oprah's hand and Oprah's hands literally has spread her fingers like let go, and she just kept holding them and it was so mortifying, I know.
Or she gave her like a little pat, you know, like enough now, you know, like when someone's giving you a hug and then you past the back get off. Yeah.
So she has though acknowledged she that this is.
Yeah, she's come out so obviously people have said it. Maybe she's had some guest feedback. Maybe she's reading online forums where people are saying exactly what we're saying.
Of course they would because she's actually known for it because sometimes guests are on there and when she touched them, she's like, oh, I was like, if Drew doesn't touch me, this isn't gonna go well.
In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, she explained that she will try to practice physical discs stance in the upcoming season of her talk show. This is from ten play dot Comtreve You Barrymore is known for sitting right next to or holding the hands of celebrity guests she has on her talk show, which she's been slammed for on social media, And I'm like, this is probably looking into it way too much. But it's like, imagine that was
a male host. Yes, imagine that exact thing, but a male host coming up to it, a guest putting your hand on her.
Sitting on her, Yeah, just rubbing the leg. The cand always on a leg. You can imagine it was a male host hand just constantly on a female's leg or the male leg or you're right. It's so funny when you stop. The sex is over, isn't it.
This has just brought to mind this list I saw. I'm so into Redded at the moment, I can't even tell you.
But really, I've never understood read it.
Never. We will do an episode where I'm going to deep dive into something. One of the questions was, what's something socially acceptable for one gender but not the other. This is very black and white, male female, don't mean to offend anybody. That's fine, Okay, visible toes at a formal event. You think of a woman at a wedding or something and she's got strappy shoes on your CEO toes. Imagine a guy rocking up with like some sort of peep toe loafer.
Oh my god, that's so good.
There's so many good ones. Okay, going to the toilet together. If guys do it, they're sniffing coke, yes or touching cox.
Yeah, hands down.
One can have their shirt off. The other one can't, of course.
Yeah, that one annoys me.
This one's really good. Affection towards children, especially children we're not related to. I can talk to small children, laugh with them, pinch your cheek, et cetera, because it's more socially acceptable because I'm a woman.
It's so true because we were overseas somewhere where it's very different. I forget, I forget where we were, but the men were wanting to pick up the baby. And I think even been Balwie where the men were like way more affectionate with the kids. And I noticed it. I was like, this is actually really nice. There's not that they don't have that stigma where it's like, no, men can't play with kids because it's fucking pedophile behavior. But for a man has to constantly be conscious. Yeah, yeah,
it's just the difference there is huge. But I like the open toe. One's the best.
This last one. As a former bartender being grabby everyone says, men are overly forward drunk middle aged women. I've had women grab my junk in front of God and Country and everyone laughs it off. If I did that, I'd be in the hospital or prison.
Very true, so true, think of me women women at the strippers. That's another one, like if men touched the strippers like women do, like Princes of the Night was a Malboeth short Crown and I went a couple of times, and those men were so sexually objectified by these women, very physically.
My sister was at a hen's night once and she told me that it was one of those like remember Crystal Teas in Brunswick. It was like this dingy anyway, but one of the guys had stripped down and he had like a towel around him, and he had the hen up there with him, and she she got down on her knees and they were mucking around and stuff.
So he put her head sort of towards his crutch and then covered it with the towel like so she was under there and then all of a sudden they're all looking and he's sort of moving back, like moving his hips back, like something weird was happening. She put his dick in her man like imagine, imagine they'd have to do something horny Desperate Housewives.
I remember the first time I went though, I got under the spell. I was like, oh my god, this is amazing. I've told this story before. But when we went for one of my friend's hands, she ended up sucking the stripper. I mean, that's hot, although not that it was a hen No, it was full on. This was like a proper strippers where you got like, it's still foul anyway after it that would like really sexy dancy on the dance from We were like, that's funny, and then we're like this is going too far now
and we were trying to prior away. Ended up not that night sleeping with him, but ended up breaking up her marriage. And the first guy she slept with was the stripper. Yeah, she shouldn't have been walking down the aisle. Like as she was walking down the aisle, she said, I wonder what so and so is doing talking about the strooper.
Well that's a bit of a red flag.
Oh so you couldn't have written it though. It's like we're on a hens and the Hennies fan the stripper. Oh my god, imagine how many girls they'd pulled though, those strippers.
Oh mate, Because it's like the one. They are the one in a room full of women in a room full of men, and everyone wants to get their.
Attend even if they're not that hot. It becomes the law of relativity or that is called you know where it's like, well, that's just the one in the room. Nah, he's hot, because we've got no one else to base like compare with, so this one will do.
And it's also the dancing element.
Yeah, it is nice when a guy can dance. Here's something else that is hectic is gen Z.
We have spoken about this briefly, maybe a couple of years ago, but it's come up again, this concept of females gen z wanting to start free bleeding, which means you just decide that when you have your period, you don't use a tampon and you don't use a pad. You're just gonna let the let the blood run free. So when.
Yuck, did we talk about the other week let the blood run free? Yeah?
We did.
Oh fuck, I'm such a great show. That's fucked up.
It's disgusting that is fucked up in just the most basic way that if I was sitting with someone and they had a blood nose and their blood was running everywhere, I would not be comfortable with them not plugging that nose up. Yeah, stop the bleeding. Blood is you know, diseases are carried in blood, and I don't want to touch anyone's blood but my own.
I don't want to. I don't want to see your blood on your panties. I don't want to see it through your jeans. And then also, you know what if somebody said something like, oh, excuse me, just saying you know you've leaped, and the woman's like, yeah, I know, I'm free bleeding, I'd be like, you're dick.
Yeah I know. I'd say, Okay, we'll bring a towel with you or something. Because if the next person's going to sit on that chair that all your blood's on.
Like you're turning me off my coffee.
It doesn't even matter that the blood's from your vagina. It matters that there's blood.
You're just visible blood. Like it's just if somebody's got like a nick on their arm, you know how like old the people. Their skin becomes like crepe paper and they get nicks on their arm and everything. And even when they cover it up and it seeps through the band aid, I find that, Like, Yakia, I don't like that.
Just the band aid.
Yeah, a band aid with blood seeped through is so nasty, isn't it.
And it's just like it's been on there too long and it's starting to like flap up a little bit on the.
Shot or just a tiny flap at the side. Yuck. My son, my three year old, is obsessed with band aids, Like, if I want half hour, I'll give him a thing of band aids and he'll just peel off the band aids and stick them around on himself, on himself. Yeah, I've got ours, will stick them all over his toes. So then he's got like bloody witch's feet from them from the band aids. He loves it.
Wait till he starts growing hair. That'll change him.
Also, he's three and a half. We've never done swimming lessons. This is my secret parent shame. Oh my god, let's do this. Please. If you've got a secret parent shame, can you please send us an Instagram message Show and tell onlines where you can find us. Because my first two were in the pool when they were fetuses, which I also for the second one, was like, this is ridiculous, So let's wait until he's about two and get him in the pool. Then yeah, notus is three and a half and he cannot swim.
I think swimming lessons are important. However, there are punish Ah, there's such a punish And my main thing is, yes, ideally you want him to be strong swimmers, great, but I'm like, if you can just keep your head above water, I'm I'm happy with that aim.
Like with backs, I'm like, you're not giving up swimming lessons until you can do it at least ten laps of each stroke. No aughed consistently with Odie. Now I'm like, just drownproof him. I just want him drownproofed. Yeah, but
so I booked him in. I'm like, Sam, can you start taking it's we've been busy, it's been a hectic few years and the third kid You're like whatever, But I'm like, we've got to start taking him now because I'm like, you see other kids and you're like, oh, they're swimming like he could not if he if I chucked him in a pool, he'd be a rock, he'd be a break.
Yeah, but I think you've got like I'll just say, yes, of course it's important your kids learn to swim, but he's three. You're not going to have him in a situation where he's unsupervised around water, not, do you know what I mean?
I also think like our old house, we had a pool, and I was like, well, he's going to be in the pool so much with us, he's gonna learn to swim, and then I'll take him to swimming lessons. And then we moved to a place with no pool. So it's not you know, because as a kid I didn't do swimming lessons. We had a pool, so we were constantly in the pool, and we got really good around pools. We learned to swim, and I was like, that's what's
going to happen with him. But because it hasn't and a year's gone by, I'm like, Fuck, this kid's going to be sixteen before he's learned how to swim.
You know, it's so funny you bring that up. I was thinking the other day how the older I'm getting, the more selfish I'm getting as a parent. I'm like, what, I'm same, You're like, I think if I had heard this is where like judgmental opinions shouldn't really judge until you're in it. But like, my daughter is sixteen now, she's studying. She's gonna go get her learners. It's amazing,
it's amazing. But I don't want to do the I don't want to do the driving because it's not in my nature to do that anyway, Like I would make her so anxious.
Stop. Yeah, you'd be awful at that.
But even like, it's my son's birthday on Monday, and he says, on Sunday, can we go to the zoo?
No?
Fucking I can't tell you how much I hate the zoo.
That's so cute. He still wants to go.
He wants to go to the zoo. Can we go the four of us to the zoo and the four of you two not even a friend? He just wants to just the four of us. No, But this is another thing. So there's the zoo thing. I'm trying to say something else. Do you want to do something else? Na, I really like to go to the zoo.
Not the local. Why don't we just go to the local.
Mall, even if he said he wants to go go karting or something. But the zoo. I've never liked the zoo. I don't like the smell. I don't like the crowds. I don't like the waiting in line to look at an animal that is trapped and you can't even see it properly anyway. The food's shit. I just I really hate this way, but I really hate the zoo. Look, I'll go if you wants to go. But I also every year, like I don't have people over often because
I'm not an entertainer. I don't enjoy it right, fair enough, But every year I have our family over for our kids' birthdays, right, and it's a lot of people. It ends up being about twenty five people all up.
Oh my god.
I said to Mark, I don't want to do it this year. I don't have it in me to do it. I really don't want it. I said, I feel like I can't cope with it this year because he goes. But we'll just get pizzas and stuff. And I said, for you, it's just getting pizzas. For me, it's having to make sure everything's clean. You know, if I've got shit in my Like I call it the apartment. There's a room I've got downstairs where I work and stuff. I've got fucking ironing and shit all piled in there.
And I'm like, it's a whole thing.
It's another thing. It's also just having people in your space. When you're a capacity, having people in your space, you still got to make sure everyone's okay, everyone's got to drink, everyone happy, Like it's on you. You're the host, even if it's just pizza.
I know, what are you gonna do? I mean, I'm gonna I'm gonna end up having it, I know it.
Yeah, Well, twenty five people is a lot of people for an immediate party. That means that do you go to somebody's house for all twenty five of those people?
No? Well some of them are like say, for example, Mark's auntie. She did it with her kids, but now her kids are older, so she doesn't do it anymore. But we just kept it going.
Fuel because go on, get to like twenty five birthday parties every year. Do you know what I mean? If if you had to then go reciprocate and go back to their house, Oh.
Yeah, no, it's just my it's just my niece and nephews. Really. Everyone else is like, you know, older kids or whatever, they don't do it anymore. But I'm just like, I just can't be bothered. And his he fucking wants every attention. He wants everyone there, he wants the singing, he wants all that, and I'm.
Like, he wants the singing. This is this isn't embarrassing for no reason. What the fuck are you meant to do when people sing Happy Birthday? What do you do? Like? I just kind of like have I sing along and like sway my head and my hips.
I look down at the cake.
Do you know that that's even more uncomfortable. There is no one that is really comfortable having Happy Birthday sung to them, nobody.
I told you my daughter's fifteenth birthday. She came up to me and she said, Mum, I don't want the happy birthday song. And I said, you know what, the happy birthday? Ye don't worry about it.
Yeah, no, it's too much that attention of happy birthday to you and everyone looking at you. But even people singing it get awkward too, So sometimes they just stare at the cake like no one's comfortable.
Eye it's the worst, the worst.
That's so good. All right, we're going to get out of here everyone. Thanks for listening. Hit us up on our social show and Tell online is where you can find us. Hit us up with yours secret parent shame please. Malsan is fucking hating Zoo clearly, and mine is that my kid who's known four can't swim. And also to our patrons, thank you. You get an extra one every couple of weeks, so there. Patreon dot com forward slash chantal is our website for that, and we'll chat to you soon. Lond yous babe,