It's lucky dip term. Thanks for joining us. We put our hand in the basket, we pull out a topic, we chat about it for about ten man. It's mail, it's Monty, thank you so much for listening.
In Mail. You're in charge of LA today.
Well, you know, the last few weeks, I've just been a bit dark in my h what I think, what I've brought to the table.
All right, you find you deep dive into these stories that are so dark. I don't even know it. Do you go on to the dark Web?
No, No, I'm fascinated by that. How do you even get there? I don't get I don't know. I think you have to know people.
And so is it a website you put in? I just don't understand.
I don't know. I don't know exactly how it works, but I know there's some shit that goes down in like Pedophile Rings and yeah, right, people into a podcast called the kill List, which is basically a guy that infiltrated this site on the dark Web. It was like a higher kill thing. So like say I want Mark killed, Yeah, you can to get someone. So they've got this kill list from this guy and podcast is them trying to contact people who are on the list. But like, imagine
just calling someone out of the blue. Imagine someone calling you and going, hi, I just wanted to let you know. I know this sounds strange, but you're actually on this fucking person. You'd be like, okay, Sea, Yeah, it would be very strange.
But also you're into some shady shit, Like you're probably not that surprised if you're on someone's hit list.
No, it is like women who are married to men who are having affairs and they want the wife out of the picture. And I've never understood it. Why wouldn't you just say I want a divorce. But the funny thing is so many of these men that don't want to divorce are either because they're religious or they're asters in their community, so to divorce is wrong, so kill is better? Wow? Or I guess it comes down to like they want the money from the life insurance policies and stuff.
Yeah, it might be a lot fucked. Oh my god, that's scary. How fucked people are.
Oh my god, we are so normal, it's unbelievable.
Yeah, we are wed.
I thought i'd bring something light today. Very funny.
I love it. Okay, yes, so.
Quite some time ago actually have done it twice. I read out this Amazon review of a vibrator that was like the funniest ringever. It's so good. So I started thinking the other night, I wonder what other funny Amazon reviews there are? Fuck mate? I found some gold. Okay, so I'll start with a five pound bag of Haribo sugar free gummy Bears.
I know those Haribo ones, the gold it's gold like logo. Ye yeah. Why is somebody writing a review around about them?
I'll tell you why. Okay, one star. Just don't unless this is a gift for someone you hate. Oh man, words cannot express what happened to me after eating these the gummy bear cleans. If you are someone that can that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you were like the dozens of people that tried my order, run first of all for taste, I would rate these a five. So good, soft, true to taste, fruit flavors like the sugar variety. I was a happy camper, but or should
I say, but with two teas. Not long after eating about twenty of these, all hell broke loose, I had a gastro intestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined, cramps, sweating, bloating, beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish, and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, I don't even know what that word means.
Nice.
The sounds like trumpets calling the demons back to hell. The stench like one thousand rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own owners. But wait, there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping more what's a more m aw? Maybe a hole, A gaping more projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste one
hundred percent liquid, flammable liquid napalm. It was actually a bit humorous for a nanosecond, as it was just beyond anything I imagine possible, and it went on for hours. I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in two thousand and five. I had five pounds of these innocent looking, delicious tasting
hall bears. So I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it had to be some sort of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take the hand who silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while she was on the toilet telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying. Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating.
She took them to work since there was still ninety nine percent of a five pound bag left. She works for a construction company where they're all builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, et cetera. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on any given day. My god, I can't imagine where all of these poor men and women pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it
down the ladder or if they should just jump. If you order these, best of luck to you, and please don't post a video review during the after shocks. You know what it is. It's I don't know if it's artificial sweetener or the the one that's not bad for you, because I went through a stage where I got addicted to the sugar free mints.
Ah yes, like your eclipse No, like ants.
Like a like a minty.
Ah oh yeah, yeah, I love a minty.
Yes, but like a minty And I'm thinking, oh, they're like a natural sugar free substitute. Yes, mate, I mean they always upset my tummy.
Yeah, they do to a lot of people. You have too much of them. It's not bad. I mean it's not good for your system. No, you can't. It's just a known thing. Same as like the Eclipse mints. You have too many. If my kids eat too many, might you're gonna get diarrhea. But that review, I always shocked people take time to do a review, let alone. That was a long review for gummy bears.
That's a person that's something I would do.
That's like, yeah, I can see. And it was lyrically genius as well. She was very good with her words.
It's an album.
Never ever written a review.
Yeah, don't say that, because we asked people to review at the end of.
The show, and I'm going to start doing it for other podcasts. But I've never written a review.
No, I don't think I've ever written a review either. I don't think.
Well, the only time I have is when a friend has sent me and said, oh, for their business, like I need to get some reviews. Yeah, and I'll do that for them. Yeah.
Well I have almost shit myself though. Remember that time I told you I used to work for a government employment agency with people who were getting center Link to try and find jobs, and then I'd contact the employer on behalf of the person. Right, I had taken this tea, it was like that, I mean, the worst name for a tea. It was called like slim diet tea or something.
Yeah, I remember those diet teas.
And I, of course, when in hard straight away I was like one tea bag, I'm going to do two. They say steep it for five minutes. I'm gonna steep mind for twenty Yeah, mate, I was in the middle of seeing a kloient and I had to, like I gripped onto my chair, like I had to tell him to go because I said, oh, sorry, I think I'm going to be sick. And you know what, I'm like shitting anywhere but home. I sat in that toilet. I was like crying. I couldn't stop. I'd take the next day off work.
Oh my god, you were that traumatized. And when you tell me it was that bad.
As in anything that when in came out water anything, it would have just been pure laxative in that tea. That's all it was. That's all it was. I mean I got on the scal the next day and I was like, oh you did Jesus remember that, like the full dieting days where you'd give tea you go. I did the cabbage diet, that act diet.
Like anything you could think of. I would do so ridiculous, it's terrible.
I'll do a couple of really short ones and then maybe next time I'll pick up and do it a couple more because they're good.
Okay.
VAT for men hair removal jelf cream. This is from Dennis. Dennis makes my fart sound louder. The hair must have acted as an interlocking silencer. I give this a big thumbs up, five out of five.
Veted his bum hole, veted his asshole.
Yeah yeah, Actually here's a recommendation that he is a gross you know what, let's just keep this to the theme.
Yeah bum bums.
Okay, I found I need to I'll put the link in the show notes if anyone else is interested. I found a proctologist, which is a bum doctor. Yes, on YouTube, right, it came up in my you know recommended.
Yeah.
Anyway, there were things that I had no idea about when it came to asses, and like it's it's like a wealth of information. These doctors and stuff that come on and do these videos. I'm like, thank you, because this is free information that you usually have to go to a specialist for.
Like I knew that your.
Ass was, you know, a sensitive place. But I'm quite aggressive with my wiping, right, Like I just get right in there, I get right in there. But he was saying how the skin there is so delicate, It's like the skin on your lips. Also, like with the issue of wiping, about how moisture is always going to be the best way to get My dad just got a bidet put in. I have a bidet? Do you in my en suite? And I have never used it?
Maybe you should start. The days are apparently the whole way to go.
I used it the other day. I think it's going to change my life. So I don't even know how to use it. I'm like, I said to Mark, is this thing connected? Because it's a separate one, so like now you can buy it like an attachment onto your toilet or whatever. This is like an old fashioned separate one next to the toilet. I said to me, I don't even had to fucking use this thing. Is it connected to water? He's like yeah, anyway again, watched a
YouTube tutorial. People use them very differently. Some people don't wipe their ass at all. Not They just go from yeah.
No, I'm not doing that, Well that's what that's the whole thing of the bidet. You don't know, and then you just don't. You then just use like a cloth or something and wipe your date after you've used the bidet.
No, I think the bidet is like what I see it like an extra layer, right, so I'll wipe myself and then you get on and you wash yourself.
Do you just sit on it like a toilet and then push button?
This is the thing. I think it's so the well, the one that I've got that it's like a mixer tap like you have in your kitchen, so you can have a lifty one yep, and depending on how much you know, like how much pressure is how much the spout comes out. But a woman, I think you would have to almost be front facing because well, when you
think about it, well, this is what this is. It's been a whole learning curve because it's like the way our bodies are if you're and I guess it's the same principles if you're in the shower, but it's like then having to lean forward for the water to go there. But I'm like, then the water will run down and then I don't want that water to then go vagina.
I would never think that, right.
Yes, anyway, I straddled it.
Do you know what I said to Mark? It was like I got into a fucking trance. It wasn't like a sexual thing. It was like the warm water so it's hitting my.
Volver and just sitting there and.
I said to mark.
It was such a beautiful feeling. I just sat there for about five minutes. It was almost therapeutic.
Yeah right, I'm like, I think I'm into it. Or do it, mate, you've got one there, you should definitely do it. And if it's like a comforting vulver hug, do it.
I know. But I'm just like, oh, it's the having to. I don't know if I have to buy more face washes, because then you have to try it off.
And then you have to wash the face washers. You don't want to double use a face washer, do you, But although it's very clean, you could.
I will tell you something very funny though, and then we'll go sorry, because this is a long, lucky dip I had you. I picked up one of my white face washers from the linen cupboard and I had it there and I hadn't really looked at it. And I got off the thing and I wiped my ass, and I'm so graffy. I looked at the I think we. I think the people that are still here I invested.
So many have tuned out.
So I look at this white face washer. It's fucking brown. I was like, what's happening? Like I'm thinking this is ship. It was fake tan. It was stained from fight ten. I said to Mark, I go up to him and go I just used the bidet and he goes, oh, how was it? I said, look at this. He goes, what the F? And then I said, said yourself, that's so funny.
All right, everyone, thank you for listening in. If you're still there after that, like some people are so not pee wee human.
They would have tuned out, so sorry.
But if you're still there, thank you for listening and we'll be chatting to you very soon. Bye.
Love you