Welcome to the Time to Level Up Podcast. I'm your host, Andrea Liebross. Each week, I focus on the systems, strategy, and big thinking you need to CEO your business and life to the next level. Are you ready? Let's go.
Hello, my friends, and welcome back to the podcast. We are going to continue our discussion we started a couple of episodes ago about people-pleasing because I think it's an important one. I really want you to start to think about how this impacts your work and your business. Because today's discussion is going to center around how to stop doing it. I want you to think about what would be possible if you did stop.
A lot of times, I ask that question, “What would be possible if…” to my clients because whether it's stopping people-pleasing or what would be possible if you engaged in coaching, what would be possible if you hired someone to help you, we don't give enough airtime to what would be possible if, we give lots of airtime with all the things that might happen that aren't so positive, but we don't give opportunity or equal airtime to what would happen if or what would be possible if we did this.
I want you to think about that as we are discussing today how to stop people-pleasing. I want to dive into this a little bit first by telling you what I found to be true about people-pleasing at the big-picture level. I did some research on this. I read some things that a licensed clinical social worker named Amy Morin did. She's got a book that's called 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do.
I found it very interesting that in her book about what mentally strong people don't do, she talks about people-pleasing. Here we go. Here are some truths that will help us stop people-pleasing.
Number one: people-pleasing is really just you controlling. It is not pleasing to the other person. We think it's going to be pleasing but we don't have any proof. Really, what's going on is that you are trying to control what the other person does or doesn't do so that you feel better.
In a way, it's also you trying to control your own emotions. If I said the hard thing, I would feel really uncomfortable. Who wants to say the hard thing? We don't say it. Instead, we just call it people-pleasing because that sounds so much better, isn't it?
Let me say that again, by you not saying I don't want to go with you, you're choosing “I'm not going to tell them I don't want to go. I'm just going to go,” what's really happening is that we are trying to control our own emotion.
We don't want to experience the negative emotion of feeling uncomfortable so we don't say we don't want to go, we just go along and go. But we mask that as people-pleasing because that sounds so much better. Number one: people-pleasing is really you controlling.
Number two: it's not terrible if people don't like us or respect us. It's kind of normal. We are not everyone's cup of tea. Like I said, let’s just say you could be the juiciest peach on the peach tree but if you don't like peaches, then people won't like you.
Some people love us and some people think we're eh, and some people just think we're terrible. That's life and that's okay, that's what makes the world go round. I just also want to remind you, not to mention that everything about us may not be likable or worthy of respect. I'm sure I've done some things that aren't so likable so maybe you don't like me for that, and that's okay. It's okay if someone doesn't respect us. It's normal.
Number three: just because someone is annoyed with us doesn't mean they don't like us. My kids become annoyed with me all the time. I would love to believe that just because they're annoyed at me doesn't mean they don't like me. The same goes the opposite, I become annoyed by them.
I become annoyed by their messy rooms. I've got one that has a messy room and one that has a clean room. I become very annoyed at the messy room girl. That doesn't mean I don't like her. Just remember that. Just because people are annoyed with you doesn't mean that they don't like you.
This occurs in the workplace or in the work you're doing with your clients. You may be pushing them to do hard things or to think out of the box. You're pushing them out of your comfort level. That's why they hired you. They may be a little annoyed or frustrated but that doesn't mean that they don't like you.
We always want to please the client, do we? Or maybe it's good that they have a little bit of negative emotion. Maybe that's the whole reason they hired us to help push them into that uncomfortable zone. Remember that.
The truth too is that sometimes we are annoying. Most people aren't mature enough to not get mad at us at some point. They may not be emotionally mature enough to stay in a neutral zone all the time. That's okay. Hopefully, and luckily, they usually are mature enough to love us even though we're annoying sometimes.
When someone says no to me, a lot of times I'll say, “That's okay. I still love you.” When a prospective client says no to me, that's okay. I can still love them. Our best bet is to work on our annoying behavior. Yes, that is true. But believe that people are mature enough to forgive us and love us, faults included.
Here's the next truth. It's not really worth getting people to like or respect us if it's conditional love or respect. They'll only like me if I deliver excellent product. That's not necessarily true. They might like you if you just deliver some product because right now they have none.
This goes with the B-minus work that's turned in is better than A-plus work that never gets turned in. We think that the A-plus work is what people want, it will please them but sometimes, they just want some work. It doesn't have to be amazing and miraculous. They just want something so go turn it in.
If we have to keep working hard or too hard to measure up to our own expectations, then we have a problem, we become burnt out. But what we really just want is to be loved and respected. We can get that without having to go to the A-plus work.
Now I'm not saying that you shouldn't always strive for that. But what I want you to be seriously considering is are you going to get the love and respect you want with the B-minus work, I want to go with yes. It's not worth trying to live up to expectations to get people to like us. A lot of times it's our own expectations.
Here is the last truth. Most people will like you even if you don't live up to their expectations or do what they want you to do. Most people are mature enough, like I just mentioned, to love us despite our faults. They're also mature enough to love us if we don't do what they want to do.
Sometimes they just want us to do something because it makes their life easier. Of course, they might seem unhappy if we aren't doing what they want. Those last two are similar. It's not worth getting people to like or respect us if it's conditional love or respect, and then most people will like us even if we don't live up to their expectations or do what they want us to do. Those are very related and similar.
Remember, just because people are annoyed with us doesn't mean they don't like us. It's not terrible if they don't like us, it's normal. People-pleasing is really just you controlling. I want you to remember those guiding principles.
Now, what do you actually do about this? It's pretty easy. Number one: keep renewing the work you're doing on yourself. Do the work worth doing. It's going to help you to discover whether or not you are people-pleasing. You need to grow your awareness and discover what's really at the root of your behaviors. What are the thoughts that are at the root of your behaviors? This is so much harder to do than it seems.
Today I was talking to a client and how she was acting, there was so much behind it that she hadn't even pulled apart. She hadn't even seen why she wasn't making a sale. Do you know why she wasn't making a sale? Because she wasn't asking for a sale. Why was she not asking for a sale? Because she thought that what she was selling was expensive.
Why did she think it was expensive? Because in her household, it would be expensive. Why in her household is it expensive? Because she's not making the money she wants to make? Why is she not making the money she wants to make? Because her self-concept is of someone who doesn't make that money. Keep working on yourself to figure out what's really behind the thought or the actions.
Number two: you've got to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like or respect you and that people sometimes judge. People sometimes judge or are annoyed with you even if they do like you. If you feel like someone is judging you, then I want you to ask, “Do I ever judge this person?” Chances are the answer is yes, you do judge them from time to time. Is it any surprise that they judge you?
I have a client who feels like her co-worker judges her for how she runs the business and how she spends her time. I flipped it around and I said, “Look, you're judging her for thinking she's judging you.” So interesting. Accept the fact that not everyone's going to like you, and if they do like you, they still might become annoyed with you. Really, what you're doing there is if you feel like someone is judging you, recognize that you're judging them if you even have that thought.
Here's the next thing you can do to stop people-pleasing: Let go of all of the unrealistic expectations that everyone will like you and never be mad at you. This is just going to make you frustrated or unhappy.
When my contractor fired me, I had to let go of the expectation that everybody was going to love working with me. That's just not the case. I'm not for everyone. If I want to not be a people pleaser, then I've got to let go of the idea that everyone has to like me and will never be mad at me, because that's not true.
Next, let go of your must-haves. You don't have to have everyone like and respect you for you to be happy. You create your own happiness. You cannot look for external things to be happy.
The client today who wanted someone to purchase her product said to me, “Once someone purchases my product, then it'll change everything.” That's so not true. It won’t change everything. Her vision of herself won't change. Maybe it'll change for a split second, but it'll be back to the way it was in an instant unless she can let go of the fact, the thought that everyone has to like you.
You don't have to have everyone like and respect you for you to be happy. You have to let go of all of the have-to haves, have to have this person do this, have to have this person say that, or I have to have X, Y, Z experience, not true.
Then the last thing to let go of being a people pleaser is to be cognizant of all the people that do love you and respect you even when you mess up. Have you acknowledged them lately? Have you told them that you appreciate that, that you love them for that? Have you told your clients that you appreciate them even when you do mess up, you're not on time, or you send something incorrectly?
Have you told your team members that you appreciate and love them even when they don't do something perfect? I have to do this sometimes with my VA Lynda. She is 99% of the time on the ball but sometimes there's something that gets dropped and I have to remind her that I love her. I know that she appreciates me even when I mess up and I appreciate her even when she messes up.
To summarize, how do you stop? You recognize when you are people-pleasing. You continually work on yourself, do the work that's worth doing. Make sure you go listen to that episode if you haven't, the work worth doing. Accept the fact that not everyone is going to like or respect you. The people who do like or respect you will be annoyed with you at some times or judge you. Remember you can be the juiciest peach on the tree. But if someone doesn't like peaches, they might not like you.
Next thing, number four, let go of unrealistic expectations that everyone will like you and never be mad at you. That's not true. Not everybody will like you. Some people might even fire you. That's okay.
Next, let go of the have-to haves: I have to have this happen in order for me to be happy. I have to have them act this way in order for me to be happy. I have to do this in order for me to be happy. None of that is true. You can be happy right now by changing the way you're thinking. Then the last one is be thankful for the people who love you and respect you even when you mess up.
Okay, my friends, I hope that's been helpful as you think about people-pleasing, and how you might want to stop people-pleasing. I’ve really stopped people-pleasing, here's a personal example and a professional example. I used to feel like I was very responsible for how my parents felt about me, my brother, or their situation, and I used to not say a lot of things because of that.
My mom would be very worried about my brother and she would tell me all the things that she was worrying about. I would commiserate with her but I stopped doing that and I started telling her, “Mom, I'm not worrying about all those things like you're worrying about them and I actually don't think it's helpful that you're worrying about them either.”
She didn't like that but she still loves me and I still love her. I wasn't pleasing her by going along commiserating with her. I actually was making her more annoyed but she's still my mom. I still love her and she loves me. That's a personal example.
Then in my business, not all my clients love all my decisions about how I run my business, what the format is, or how much I charge. They don't even love all the coaching I give but that's okay because they're paying me to help them move out of their comfort zone, not to stay in their comfort zone.
If you want to get out of your comfort zone and you think you need a little push, then coaching might be the perfect thing for you. I hope we can chat about it. Head over to andreaslinks.com and let's schedule a call and chat. If you know someone who’s a people-pleaser, who wants to recover from the people-pleasing, please share this episode with them. That’s like your good duty of the day. Remember, today is a day that you can level up no matter what. Alright, my friends, I'll see you next time. Have a great day.
Hey, listening to podcasts is great. But you also have to do something to kick your business up a notch. You need to take some action, right? So go to andreaslinks.com and take the quiz. I guarantee you'll walk away knowing exactly what your next best step is to level up.