Financial Red Flags In Relationships

Order Kerni Whoalbury and a waddery woman. And before we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of which this podcast is recorded on a wondery country, acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through as this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and the storytelling of you to make a difference for today and lasting impact for tomorrow.

do put a little content warning at the top. I think a content warning here is perfect, actually, Jessica, because at the end of the day, this topic can be a little bit painful or it might raise a few issues for you, and if it does, I mean, it's not great that that does, but I'm also glad that they're being brought to light so that we can deal with them. There'll be a whole heap of resources in

our show notes as usual. But also if you just want to skip out on today's episode, there are three hundred plus She's on the Money episodes now that you could dive straight into. So if today's not for you, that is totally okay.

That's because most of the time we're just trying to impress the other person, So you like taking them out to different restaurants and bars, maybe you're getting hotel rooms, or maybe you're having like weekends away or showering them with expensive gifts, like often that is a way that we show off. But soon you might begin to notice patterns, right, and we've spoken about this offline a lot. The patterns might be oh, yes, sorry, I forgot to bring my wallet.

I'll pay you back, and then they never pay you back, or too many times they're like, oh, you know, it was my turn last time, and you're thinking, like in the back of your head, you're like, oh, I feel like I paid for a last date. But okay, like gaslighting central, no worries. But it's one of those things that red flags can start green and then start changing to orange, and then they're red, and then you're not sure what to do because you feel a little bit

too deep. So I think it is really important to have this conversation today about what a financial red flag actually looks like, because sometimes when things seem really insignificant, financial red flags can compound faster than anything could in your subranuation account. So it's really, from my perspective, important to talk about this, especially because the statistic exists that sixteen percent of Australian women have or will experience financial

abuse at some point in their lifetime. And obviously it's an important area to keep your finger on the pulse, even if the flags do seem a little bit harmless at the time. So it's about being educated and informed and on top of it for sure.

of getting into joint financial circumstances. And she says that she sees a lot of people suggesting that they stet up joint accounts when they've only just met someone. And as innocuous as it sounds, let's have a joint account so that we can say, for a joint holiday and be on the same page, it actually can be a massive red flag. So I think it's really important to talk about what this is and what healthy boundaries mean for you and your relationship.

dinner costs. We could start with really small things to get an understanding of somebody else's general attitude towards money and start kind of like teasing out how different their money story could be to yours. We could talk about financial goals. I don't have to have a conversation Jess with you about oh my gosh, how much money do

you earn? To oh my gosh, are you working towards anything big financially at the moment, And they might say, yeah, I'm actually saving for a house, which is exactly what you would say, Oh are you close? Yeh, Oh my gosh, I'm talking to a broker. I'm so close. This is

such an exciting conversation. That question, too, though, could be really scary for someone to be asked if they're in a mountain of debt, because I know, Jesse, if I asked you that six or seven years ago, you would have shied away and run for the hills because you're like, please, don't ask me that. That's none of your business. So it's really important to talk talk about money in your relationship,

but make sure you're taking baby steps. You don't get to just dive in and go how much do you earn? What do you spend? What do you earn? What do you woe? Yeah, do you got any debt? What does it look like? How do you feel about your hex? Do you reckon your parents? Are go guarante or on a future property if we ever, you know, decided to do things together.

or is it just on the right path? And I feel comfortable because I've had so many conversations, mostly in my DMS, with people being like, oh, Ve, like you said on a podcast that you would never ask on a first date, and haha, it came up in the first ten minutes of our conversation. That's so fine. I think it's more about respecting somebody else's boundaries and if they're being really evasive of money conversations, not to pry.

It's not your position on a first date. Whereas if it comes up and it's just naturally flowing conversation, I don't see that as a red flag. I think it's really important to have these conversations, but really reading into what is appropriate and what is not appropriate, and that can be flipped to the other side, Jess, like if you consistently asked me about my income and what that meant, but I was clearly showing you evasive signs and I didn't want to have that conversation. I'd say that is

a red flag, not just a financial red flag. But you can't read the room red flag.

red flag immediately. Like if you ask someone about their finances on you know, your first couple of dates and they seem taken aback, that's not necessarily a red flag because they don't want to talk about it.

have come up? Like, nobody in that space that I'm aware of openly discusses their salary, and they more often they're not, especially in Australia, don't discuss their salary because there's salary secrecy clauses in most lawyers employment contracts. So for different industries it's going to mean different things. Whereas JESSL. I know you've got a lot of friends that are similar to mine, and they are nurses, they're on an award.

They're like, oh, how long have you been working? Oh where do you work?

Or I want to buy a house and get married and have children and you don't want any of those things, And those are indicators that neither of you are necessarily doing anything wrong, but there's a misalignment there that potentially could mean that a relationship isn't going to work out in the long term.

cooks steak every second night for dinner. Like, there are so many different things and reasons a relationship might not work out, but I do think that the crux of it, money can be one of the hardest things to get on the same page about.

I would really recommend giving it a listen. And I want to talk to VD about how we kind of differentiate between the two.

I feel like yours makes more sense. Minds a little bit more clinical, you could say. But red flags, as you said, not always a relationship deal breaker, but if they're not addressed, they probably will create a pretty significant relationship and financial strain, which means the sooner jest you're able to identify any red flags in a relationship, the

sooner you can work to address and resolve them. So I guess that's why we're talking about this, to so that we can actually understand some of the common financial red flags, what you can do when you see those red flags, and also be able to identify what it means when it goes beyond just being a red flag, because at the end of the day, a red flag

is just an indicator that something might be wrong. Sometimes we get false reds, but of course not every single partner who displays a red flag to us is going to be a financial abuser, right like at the end of the day, just because we have different red flags. I mean, if you look at my financial circumstance, I'm sure we could find some, absolutely we could. But it could just mean that someone is bad with money and doesn't know how to end the cycle of credit card

debt or making poor money decisions. It doesn't mean that they're abusive, but in some circumstances it does mean that, and we need to be really clear when that happens what we need to do. What we need to do is get out of that circumstance.

your job or sabotage any of your work responsibilities. If they feel entitled to your money or your assets, if they spend your money without your knowledge, they control how or all of the household finances are spent without your consent. They limit your ability to attend job training, pursue higher education, or otherwise advance your career. Or they limit access to your own bank accounts or joint bank accounts. And obviously

there are a heap of other indicators of financial abuse. However, as we discussed in that episode, it is financially abusive if it is beyond your own personal control and you don't feel like you have a say, so, it can actually be a whole heap of things, Like Jess, it could be threatening to cut you off, but at the end of the day, it means that you are not in control of your personal financial circumstances. And if that's the case, it's not a red flag. It is financial abuse.

something where they're trying to be controlling of you. So I think let's digest that, let's go to a quick break, and then when we come back, I want to talk through some of the other general red flags you might want to keep an eye out for.

regardless of how long you've been with that person. From my perspective, a partner who actually refuses to talk about money could be doing so for a number of reasons, and all of them leave room for concern.

I've thought about it. My partner did it money in It was very exciting. But while all of that seems really romantic, it's less romantic when all of their spending

and saving habits are hidden. Secretive behavior is obviously a massive concern if you have joint accounts or you're working together towards a common financial goal, like you're saving for a house, and their secretive behavior is actually completely throwing you off the rails to being able to achieve that goal, or something that they're spending their money on doesn't align to your financial goals, and you're like, well, where is this going to me? It's not necessarily about having different

money priorities. It's actually about the secretiveness of it. And this can lead to obviously bigger issues, like it could lead to a gambling addiction, or it could mean that they have a credit card that you weren't aware of, or maybe they're carrying debt that they didn't bring up earlier and didn't know how to bring up with you. I think it's a really worthy conversation, but I do think that another red flag is when someone is super

secretive about their spending habits. I think particularly as well, even just beyond the financial aspect of it, your partner is arguably the person in your life that you know the most intimately or if not one of the most intimately, and so if they're not in a position where they feel comfortable opening up to you, or you don't feel comfortable opening up to them, I think that you need to consider whether you are in fact comfortable with that person to level that you want to be. And I

guess we maybe should define this at the top. But when we're talking about these red flags in relationships, we're talking about long term relationships. Ye're not like first date red flags.

a good night, thank you, wambam, thank you, ma'am. It's more about okay, well, if you're planning on potentially spending the rest of your life with this person, if you can't get comfortable enough with them to be honest about your debt that you're embarrassed by I've been there, or absolutely the roles reversed and they're not comfortable enough with you, is the level of trust that you would hope to see in a long term partner, does it exist, because yeah,

it can be embarrassing, it, it can be confronting to talk about these things. But if you're not in a place where you can do that, are you in a place where you can get married, Are you in a place where you can have children or grow old together? Because I think that it's important that you are able to get on the same page with these things because they impact your financial wellbeing really significantly, one hundred percent.

same path or we're not. And I've openly discussed before that prior to meetings Steve, I didn't want to buy property. I didn't think that that was a line to my own financial goals. I was scared of it. I didn't want to take on that amount of debt. I didn't want to owe the bank that much money. I was obviously a financial advisor when I met Steve, and I was so excited about the share market and that's where all my wealth was. And so for me, yeah, our

financial values did in the line. But what it meant was we opened that conversation up how to chat and realized that relationships are about compromise, how do we both meet our financial goals. So to me, it's a red flag in a good way. It's an indicator that you need to have deeper conversations, but it goes back to the other issue where if your partner then doesn't want to compromise, or then your partner doesn't want to have

the conversations around money, that red flag becomes crimson. So I think it's about are you willing to be flexible? Are you willing to have a conversation about how to get on the same page, because you're never going to meet someone that you're one thousand percent on exactly the

same page. As like, life is about compromise and change and being flexible, and a partner who doesn't share your financial goals could be an indicator that they're not on the same page as you long term, which inevitably is going to put you in a position of frustration and lack of control and feeling upset and maybe even heartbreak down the line, how.

and I want you to be happy. How do we figure out where the line in the sand is between things that we are okay with being a bit f explode, Like I want to live in the city and you want to live in the country, So maybe we live in the middle versus the things that are us fundamentally changing our wants and needs out of love in a way that won't necessarily make us happy.

house made sense. But it made sense because his love and want and goal of buying a house was far stronger than my want to be in the share market for the long term. So I think it was about the importance and where you value it. Whereas you know, house ownership was sitting quite low on my priority list, but it was very close to the top for Steve, and as his partner, I want him to achieve those things.

So for me, I wanted to be on that journey with him because it was no longer about just the property. It was about helping my partner achieve his life goals.

And so I think you need to take it a little bit further and really weigh up the pros and cons of it, because pathetically, if we were in a different financial circumstance, that wouldn't have made sense for me to support that, because I could have been like, great, but it's going to take us another ten years and we don't have the income to support a mortgage, and you know, there could have been a million stumbling blocks.

But I think it's about having open, honest conversation, and for us, it was actually about saying, let's put aside your feelings, Victoria, and let's put aside your feelings Steve, and go what does buying a house financially look like? What doesn't mean for us? How would this work? How would it impact all of our other goals? And that's kind of how we came to the decision to actually buy, because we're like, all right, well now we're on the

same page about exactly what that means. It was a less emotional decision, so it was taking the emotion out of it, being able to have a pragmatic outcome, and then overlaying the emotion again for me to go, yep, it's still not like my number one priority, but I can see how much that means to you. Does that make sense? Yeah?

It's pretty common to have to borrow money from a friend or a family member at some point, sometimes somewhere, but I think the problem arises when it's pretty consistent, so every single weekend they're borrowing money from their mum but they have a full time job, or they're always borrowing money from friends, Like I just think that that

is an indicator of poor money management. And obviously, not only does money come as a massive burden, I'm very against lending money to your friends or your family where you can avoid it, because I think that it plays into a far bigger issue and often a power dynamic. But I think it also just shows that your partner is not very good at money management. And to me, if you want a financially secure future for future you, that to me would be a red flag of like this person needs to get it together.

red flag. But the credit card thing, Yes, if they're over using a credit card or racking up a heap of debt, or falling behind on credit card payments or opening a new credit card to pay off the old credit card, I just think that that's an even bigger problem that needs to be addressed. That if you end up in a relationship with that person, arguably becomes your issue too.

won't mention ever again after this episode. And that's when your partner is overly frugal with their money but super frivolous with yours. So I hated this so obviously we know that, oh my god, honey, I left my wallet at home. Can you get this and then they never transfer you the money back. But something that and this is so niche. I hope no one resonates with this.

But often when I was staying over at a previous partner's house, when we were seeing each other and it was all well and good, we'd go to the shops, and if we were buying ice cream and it was at his house and he was paying, it would always

be home brand. But if he was at my house and we were going to the shops to get whatever we were getting and maybe we're getting like a little dessert and wanted some connoisseou or vanilla ice cream, somehow it always made it into the basket that I was paying for, But if I put it in his, he'd be like, oh, it's not on sale, Oh we can't

do this, and always go for the cheaper option. And to me, it was a massive red flag that he would be overly frugal with his money but not very frugal with my own, because I felt like that was

generally disrespectful of my generosity and my financial boundaries. But I also think that it was a little bit deep representative of his lack of respect for my time, energy, and effort that it took to earn that money, and he obviously respected his so to me, I'm like, oh, Victoria divine, you should have seen that earlier.

relationship as well. When it comes to finance, like you were saying, if you're talking about, oh, we want to buy a house together and we have this big goal, but then your partner's going out and you know, dropping in a couple hun with the boys every weekend at the pub or things like that, I think it's important that absolutely you both have room to do things that are important to you, and nobody should be accountable to

anybody else for every cent that they spend. But I think if your partner is saying one thing and doing another, it's a symptom of a bigger issue. So if they go, oh, I'm really trying to save money, but every date you go on is at a five star restaurant, you go, you're not though, Yeah, exactly right, it makes me question their self awareness, whether they know what they're doing and they see the disconnect, or whether they don't recognize the

problems that they have. It makes me question the validity of what they're saying as well, like are they just telling me these things because they want me to believe them? Are they saying I'm really frugal because they know that's important to me, but ultimately they're not, so are they

lying to me? And ultimately I just think you know that there's that all daying actions speak louder than words, and maybe they aren't comfortable having those money conversations like we were talking about at the top of the episode, and that's okay, But if you're saying one thing and doing another, it says to me that there's a disconnect either within yourself or with me, and either way that's a big issue.

can look deeply into that. But I think the one thing that I want you guys to get out of today is to know when to walk away from a situation, a relationship, or you know, anything that is not serving you any longer. And I mean, we live in a world where women are often encouraged in a way to stay in less than ideal circumstances in exchange for financial security, and that's not what we want for the she's on

the money community. We want you to be empowered, and we want you to have your emergency funds, and we want you to be able to say no to anything that doesn't respect you or the circumstances or what you have worked towards. Right, so you, personally, each and every single one of you deserve to be in a relationship that serves you, one that aligns to your goals and your values for the future, and prior ortizes your well being and your financial wellbeing and a relationship that is

built on mutual respect and trust. And I feel like these red flags are all indicators that those things aren't there. And so from my perspective, I think that such a significant part of this episode is just knowing your worth and knowing that you don't have to put up with financial red flags and we can say no, thank you,

this doesn't align to my goals or my values. And as much as walking away can be super, super difficult, it's a way of protecting you when your financial health and your financial future and you need to give yourself the respect you deserve. And I think that's that's what I want you to get out of today, not just oh my gosh, here's a particular red flag, like yeah, the red flags are a bit of a fluffy catchphrasy way of being like, hey, guys, listen to this episode.

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