Hello.
My name is Satasha Nabananga Bamblet. I'm a proud or the Order Kerni Whoaltbury and a waddery woman. And before we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of which this podcast is recorded on a wondery country, acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through.
As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and the storytelling of you to make a difference for today and lasting impact for tomorrow.
Let's get into it.
She's on the Money, She's on the Money.
Hello, and welcome to She's on the Money, the podcast that lets you be perfy about other people's money habits for educational purposes of course. Welcome back to another one of my money diaries. And I have to give you a little quick apology for my voice today because it is a little bit raspy. But I never want to cancel on a money diarist. So we're here with bells on and a kchy voice like we are channeling Phoebe from Friends today and I am hoping that you'll stick
with me. But as you guys know, Money Diaries are one of my favorite episodes of the week. I feel so internally grateful that I get to share people's money stories with our community. Before I get into reading out this week's email, I just wanted to issue a little bit of a content warning. In this episode, we are going to be talking about financial and emotional abuse, and that topic does involve threatened suicide. And this week I got an email and it went like this, Dear, she's
on the money. I'm reaching out after listening to your recent podcast episode about the community member concerned she can't leave her marriage because of financial sircumstances. Having been in the same situation, I want to be able to share my story in the hopes that it might help others in the community. At twenty three, I was in tens of thousands of dollars of debt, well being the emotional
and financial support for my husband. Now at twenty eight, I have a wonderful, loving partner, a slalid share portfolio, and have just bought a house. Money Diarist, I'm so excited about this, but like more excited because you reached out after hearing that someone in our community was struggling with something and you were like, oh, sit down, like, let me take the wheel. I've done this before. Let me share my story so that you can learn from.
Isn't that beautiful to stop my heart?
But it's true, Like that's why you reached out, is it not?
Yeah, definitely, Honestly, I was striving and I was like I usually I pulled up at the shop and I was like, I have to send them a message because it just broke my heart knowing exactly how that feels, and it's not like a unique experience, unfortunately, And I was like, hopefully if I can help one, I would absolutely love to.
And I'm so glad we're getting you on the show because we had so many people reply to our Instagram stories about that as well, and we're just like, oh my goodness, this was me twenty years ago, this was me five years ago, or this was me. But like the best part about it is these women were all like by the way, I'm thriving, like let them know.
And I think that's my favorite part, Like when I get to go through our Instagram dms and screenshot all of your positive messages and send them to our you know, anonymous question asker and be like Hey, just so you know, like the community is not just like backing you, but like they see you and they get it, and you know you can reach out to any of these people. Were like, I'm not going to spoil the anonymous nature
that's on you anyway. I just I feel so special that you were like, hey, let me share my whole story. I'll come on the pod. Like that is elite. So money dost, let's dive straight in. I want to know. I ask all of my money diris the same question at the start of every episode. If I asked you to give your money habits a grade from A through to F, what would you grade your.
I'm going to give myself an A. I think I've kind of got it down.
Pat, Yeah, I love this well. Can you tell me a bit more about your money story? Now?
Yes, I'd say growing up, money was talked about a little bit, not too much. Both my parents worked for the government and government jobs, so not like high income earners, and I have what feels like one hundred and one siblings, so they definitely had some like financial strain at that
point in time. I know they tried really hard to educate us on money as best as they could, so, you know, as soon as getting like a first job, we had to pay board, and then they would do things like a certain portion of that would go to like donations to charity, that kind of thing. And then the best, most heartwarming part I think of all of it was that my parents never ever told us that they saved it all for us, and then when we
were older, they would give it back to us. They're the best, honestly, so good what honeys?
So, tell me a little bit more about your money story. So obviously had a relatively positive money upbringing, but then you're becoming an adult. What does that look like?
Yeah, So, unfortunately for me, I guess some of the trauma started before I was an adult, which is a bit concerning. So first of all, good things being that I started my first job when I was fourteen nine months, got in there with saving, had some good money habits already again, didn't understand the concept of tax and I had a manager or an employer who liked to pay people cash in hand, and at the time I didn't realize, you know the implications of that, not having super being
paid that kind of thing. Then, when I was seventeen, I met a man who was twenty five, and he had worked in a shop near where I worked, and he was interested in me, and we ended up starting dating, which obviously very decent age gap there.
You would have thought that was so fancy. At seventeen, you would have been like, this man is mature.
I was talking to my partner about this last night and I said, I just remember being like, oh my gosh, it's so cool, like he's so grown up. Wow, I love that.
And he thinks I'm mature.
Yeah, and he's got money, he's got a job, like this is so cool, which obviously like not cool now. And now I was a grown hospital and I can.
Be like, oh, that feels a bit wrong.
Yeah. I remember being like when I was twenty five and being like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that this man was interested in a seventeen year old.
You're like, this feels like a red flag now, how strange.
Oh gosh, so many red flags. It's not even funny. But look, so I started to see this guy, met him, and like it wasn't even to I only ever had like two people ever say anything about the age gap, and they were people that were in my year at school. That I went friends with, so obviously I was like, Oh, they're just jealous, or they're just whatever, or and so I didn't think like anything of it. No one ever said anything about it to me.
Like not even your family or with like your parents or anyone.
No. And that's the thing is, I think that maybe at one point they tried to express concern as best as they could, but it wasn't necessarily the best.
Oh you're seventeen, you're not listening.
Yeah. I remember once asking her saying, you know, why didn't you stop me? And this was at the point when I'd already been married, and she was like, even if I tried, like you were such a determined woman, I don't think you would have listened to me. And I think it would have made you run faster towards it.
I mean, smart woman, because she knows you.
Yeah, yeah, she does. She does better than anyone I would say. Yeah. So basically, at sixteen seventeen, I got my first car and I had my first thousand dollars for it that i'd saved up through work, and then my parents had loaned me the remaining I think it was four thousand. I want to say three or four thousand dollars, So I started paying that off and then I started going out with this guy, and I remember thinking, oh my gosh, he's got it all together, like he
knows what he's doing with his money. Blah blah blah. We went out on our first date and I remembering like, oh my gosh, I can order anything on the menu, Like this is so crazy. And I think the bill came to something like one hundred and fifty dollars.
But that feels crazy.
Yeah, honestly, it felt like so much money and he just you know, he just paid the bill and it was no problem. I was like, amazing. And then later I actually found out at that exact point in time, it was like the last one hundred and fifty dollars in his bank account, and he was thinking he wasn't actually going to be able to afford the bill. So he one hundred percent love bombed me, Like now I
can see that for sure. Within two weeks of like, you know, going out, it was like I love you, like genuinely, and under two weeks said that he loved me, and then by like the third or fourth week, he had this mental snap and he just went from being you know, seemingly like functionally had his life together to very mentally unwell, you know, not coping with life, very like depressed and down anxious, which now I can see and say like he was always like that, and how
much of that was calculated, I wouldn't be able to say for sure. So then throughout that year, I was in year twelve, I was dating him throughout that year, and I think that was the first thing kind of put my money off a bit. And I can't obviously I can't blame all of that on him, but I think that I was trying to keep up with him at what he was doing, So I was spending a
lot of money. I keep in mind, I think at that point in time, earning something like fifteen dollars an hour at the cafe, Like it's not big money.
Yeah, but that's everything that you have, and keeping up with a full time adult lifestyle when you're a child who's just earning essentially pocket money is a big ask.
Yeah, ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. Then fast forward after that, I guess I went through high school, I started university, and I at this point so just before starting UNI actually, so I guess the end of that year. I was eighteen, and it was a month after my eighteenth birthday and I was going to get a credit card. It was a one thousand dollars credit card and it was just for fun spending, like nothing important at all, and I very very quickly maxed it out. That's what I learned about,
like you know how you can I was got overdraft. Yeah, and I remember going into calls and it was like two dollars over and it went through and I was like, oh my gosh, I can do this. I was like, I can take more money. And then I remember trying again and then it being rejected and I was like, oh, and I don't have any money left in my bank account. So there was that he had a car loan and when I was eighteen, so very soon after that we decided, I see that it was a really good idea to consolidate.
Oh perfect, Yeah, so great thinkin know what from his perspective, that's genius. What a man.
I honestly, again, talking to my partner last night, we were talking about how dangerous the manipulation was and it was so much like it was all the time, and I wonder, like I think for a memory that was my idea to go, well, how about you know, we
do this, we join it, I'll help. You're stressed about that, But it's like, how much of that was premeditated or was it you know, he knew he knew what he was doing when he said yes, he absolute knew what he was doing, But whether or not he was planned out beforehand, Like it's just crazy.
But even if it wasn't planned out beforehand, Like let's say that you're just like the nicest person in the entire world and he hadn't dropped any bombs and you could literally just see that he was strung. And I feel like in a lot of relationships, like you just want the best for your partner at the time, right because like I'm sure you were head over heels in love. You're like, oh my goodness, this is stressing you. Let
me help. At that point, he's meant to be the mature one that says, nah, like this is my thing to deal with. You're a child that has just come out of you know, school, don't worry about that. Like, you know, maybe if we were married or something, we could have these conversations, because it's like way down the line, but like, why are you essentially taking on your boyfriend's debt. One it could have been kindness, but like he took
your kindness for weakness and took advantage of it. And like it doesn't matter whose idea it was, he took it and ran with it.
Yeah, I know, and it's so terrible when honestly, when reflecting on all of his stuff this week, I couldn't. It was so hard to track down all the different things and to try and properly timeline it because it has been quite a while. But it's crazy just to reflect on all the things that happened. Yes, so took on his debt, and then shortly after decided it was a great idea to join finances, which worked out really really well.
Were you living together at this point or were you joining finances and you're not even living together?
No, we didn't live together at this point.
But you had joint finances, yes, wild but okay, I know, I mean, each to their own, but like, there does not seem to be any benefit for both people in this relationship right now.
No, not at all, not at all. So yeah, that was a bit of fun. Took on our debt joint finances, and then I started UNI. So with UNI, I was doing like full time hours of work while doing full time study. And then throughout this time, like his mental health was constantly fluctuating, as it did throughout our whole relationship, and we ended up getting engaged so within at the end of my first year of UNI. To do that,
we took on more debt. So I can't actually remember one hundred percent how much we took on at this point in time, but we consolidated what was already there. We then took on and at least the seven thousand dollars that paid for my engagement ring, and then there was like a few other little bits of money. I can't remember what it was for, but there was a little bit. So at that point it was at least seventeen grand I think it was closer to nineteen at
that point. Then I ended up starting at a different university. I've changed degrees, and there was lots of commuting, there was car problems, and then living together again. Can hardly afford anything, really, because I'm a unique student. I changed degrees and it gets to the end of my first year of my new degree and I didn't have enough
money to afford to renew my regio. So I sold my car, ended up using combination of my money and I think some of the loan to then buy two new cars, because you know, he couldn't afford to keep his car, so we sold his as well. Got two new cars that had constant issues, were absolute trash and required so much more money to go into them to kind of repair and keep them going. After that, we ended up getting married, So the following year we got married.
Now after the wedding, I think I was so fatigued from all of that planning, so I basically said to him, Hey, can you take over doing some of this money management stuff because I can't do it. I'm so tired. I got too much with UNI, and he said yeah, sure, And then it kind of turned out that he wasn't actually managing our money. He was just kind of like
watching it leave our bank account. But I remember I became a parent when I was at UNI that our finances were really, really bad, and I'd always said no Toice Center Link and I finally was like, no, I'm going to do it. And it was just my own bias that had helped me back in the first place about it, But that then meant that I got student startup loans at the start. I believe it's the start of the semester when you get them, not the start of the year.
I had a look at the balance yesterday and that ended up being twenty two hundred and seventy three dollars for that debt. And I got audited and they were like, okay, so you should have been reporting your partner's income. And I was like, oh, but I reached out to you and I had said that the website wasn't letting me track his income, and they were like, oh, yeah, no, no, that was a web error on our part. You should
have been tracking his income. And they were like, you've got to pay back everything that we have given you because you don't qualify because we were married. So they looked at our income as combined, and they ended up letting me do forty dollars a fortnight was what I ended up paying, and that was like scraping the bottom of the barrel. So yeah, there was paying all of that back. I remember first wanting to leave him three
months after our wedding. It was the first time I was like, holy shit, I have made a terrible mistake, and I think It just got to this point after our wedding, when I was hanging out with two male friends of mine. One was gay, one's not, and he got really really jealous and really insecure about the friend who was straight, and was just like, this man is
a threat to me. And he did like a whole lot of horrible things, the manipulation and telling my family lies about me and saying I was cheating on him and that kind of thing, and really trying to isolate me from my family, trying to get them on his side and not be on my side because I, you know, I was a terrible person who did the bad thing. It was at that point that I was like I can't do this anymore. And I remember reaching out to my parents and being like, I can't do this. I
need to come and stay with you. And I think this is the one thing that I know that they would have felt terrible about. It now is something I've touched on with my mum since then, but at the time they had said like, no, this is something that
you two need to sort out between yourselves. I tried reaching out for help and I was like, I can't do this, and it wasn't there, and I had no one else to turn to, and I remember looking at my finances going, I am in so much debt and I have no way to pay it off, and I can't afford to do this on my own. So after
that point, it was like setting constant goals. So it was like, you know, I'll wait till the end of the lease, or I'll wait till the end of semester, and I was setting these constant goals for myself to be like I will break up with him at this point. But at that point in time, I think that was the first time I realized I have no money and I'm stuck here and I can't get out of this without him.
That's so stressful, and like it makes my heart break that you're like trying to set goals into the future to be like, Okay, I can leave here, and like I'm sure there are people listening going, oh my god, that's me right now, or that was me, and like it sucks so much because you knew what you wanted, but knew you couldn't have it yet because like your safety was compromised, or you know, you weren't sure how you'd be financially stable, and I just I just never
want women to be in that position, Like I want everyone to be in a position where money dised. If you were like, I'm out, I would have been like, yes, queen, you're like, well, I already packed my bags and I'm gone. Like I just want people to have the ability to leave any situation they don't want to be in. And I just know that that's it's not the reality, is it.
No, it's not at all. And I think I agree with you so much, Like I don't ever want anybody to be stuck in a situation like that ever, because it was horrible. It was a terrible situation that he was really not a nice man, right, he was so good that I remember my sister being like to me, you know, like it's okay, you just need to like apologize for what you've done and you know, just acknowledge it. You guys can like can move on from there. Blah blah blah.
Absolutely not.
And it actually wasn't until I'm going to say a year after that that one of my sisters reached out to me and was like, I am so sorry. I've had people talking about my personal life and interfering with my life. And I realized that maybe what you were saying to me was true. And I'm so sorry I didn't believe you, but I think to yeah, just to have a bit of support and have someone in your corner to go actually, I see you.
So did this man know that you wanted to leave? Like were you having these arguments that were like I want to leave or whatever, or was it just like you're in the background quietly building a plan to get out of this situation, but you just didn't share that with him.
Yet with the first big blow up, So I had suggested at one point I said, Okay, well, look, if you're basically going to control all of the affection, would you consider an open relationship And he had said flat out no, I don't when you're doing that, blah blah blah blah blah. So I think that was one conversation I tried to have because I was like, I want to be with you, but you know, there's this whole
part of our relationship that's lacking. To be honest with you, I don't think he knew that I wanted to leave until with that big fight, and like with a lot of those big fights, with that whole situation, a few weeks. At that point was the first time I packed a bag. He got really really aggressive. He had one of his more aggressive outbursts, and he'd you know, smashed up a whole part of our house, throwing a whole bunch of
my stuff out. Was really really threatening. Oh my god, I think it was that time was the first time I'd ever physically felt really unsafe with him, And I think that was kind of what triggered me to say, come done. And I packed a bag and I was like, I'm going, and I think I wasn't home, I'm going to say for two nights until he had been like just come home, just come home, blah blah blah blah blah,
and then I'd end up going back. So I think that's the only time he knew quite typical that after that, any time that I was, you know, wanted to leave or had conversations about it, it was instantly threatening suicide and self harm and then talking about, look what you've done to my mental health, which was the constant cycle of our entire relationship.
And that's heavy, like that is not fair and for anyone listening, that is not your responsibility. And I know that that sounds dramatic, and it feels like it is your responsibility in that moment. If somebody threatens suicide in your relationship, take them seriously and call an ambulance, like seriously, if anyone is going to threaten that, be like, okay, cool,
thank you for sharing that with me. I am going to do everything I can to support you, because in these situations, people can sometimes use it, as they did for you money Dirist, as a manipulation tactic, because I can almost guarantee that that was never their intention, because they thought that would scare you, not force you into action.
When he was doing things like threatening suicide. Were you taking that seriously or did you kind of think, oh, this is him being manipulative, or like how were you seeing it in that moment, especially being so young.
Yeah, no, I believed him. One of the first times that it really happened, you know, took him up to hospital, went and got him like a mental health assessment, and then you know, tried to get some things in place, and then as it went on, he was unwell. And I do think there are times that he was a genuine threat to himself. But again I say that, and it's also that was always timed very well. When I was doing something well, something in my life was going well,
and that was often when this would happen. So whether or not that was pure manipulation, or if it was, you know, he genuinely was like that and you know, very jealous or couldn't cope with somebody else having any kind of life success, like, I don't know. Towards the end it was much more I guess, clinical, whereas earlier on it was just absolute fear that the person I loved was going to die.
Yeah, absolutely, and like that unfortunately was the intention. Oh yeah, that's exactly what he was trying to do to keep you around. And it's so sad, and I don't want people thinking that. You know, Victoria doesn't take that seriously, I absolutely do. But I've also deeply studied narcissists, and that's what they do. Like they want you in a position where you don't feel like you can leave because they're suddenly feeling like you're losing control or they're losing
control of the circumstance. And to gain back control, they need to gain back power over you, and to gain that power, they threaten their lives and it's so messed up because mental health is something that we need to take so seriously. But I think that a lot of the time they don't think you're going to take this seriously. They think you're going to be scared and not do anything and go, oh my god, please don't do that.
I love you, It's all good, don't worry. But the reality is the way we need to be responding to that in an ideal world is doing exactly what you were doing towards the end. Right, get in the car, We're going to hospital.
And I think too, like the one big thing as well, is like, it's not your fault their mental health and their behavior, especially like in cases like this, it's not actually on you, like it's on them. It's their behavior at the end of the day, Like it wasn't my fault for doing well in UNI or in life, you know, to make him feel that way, it's not on me. And I think that took a long time to actually accept.
So talk to me, you God, through all of this, you still hadn't left. How did you ultimately end up leaving?
So I finished my degree, I moved to the city, and he didn't get a job. So I applied for every job I remember coming home one day after training for my job and I sat down and I applied for him for every single job on every job platform that you can think of, and sat there with him. I literally helped redo his resume, got everything up to date, and basically sat there and was like, is this something you're interested is this something you're interested in? And went
through and applied for absolutely everything. He said maybe too. After that he got a job and then started his training, and I think at this point in time, so this was we have been married for two and a bit years. At this point in time, it kind of got to this point where I started to know is obviously I'm earning post degree money, so it's a bit more money, and I was just seeing how much of it was
kind of going to him. At this point in time, I found like another financial planner, Australian financial planner, who's you know, used to really this still I'm pretty sure all over like YouTube and stuff at the time.
Is that Canna, Yes, yeah, yeah, I love Canna, Yeah yeah. I was like YouTube YouTube that time, Canna yeah yeah.
And honestly I learned so much from her about the importance of, you know, having an emergency fund and you know, having this extra money and getting yourself out of debt, it really set a good foundation for me. And that kind of opened my eyes toir what my financial situation was, because keep in mind, at this point in time, I think quit well over thirty thousand dollars in debt. At that point in.
Time, Yeah, you would have felt so stuck, like so stuck.
Oh my gosh, it was terrible. It was so bad. And I remember him being so angry at me because I said, look, this is how much money we can work with to have fun money each and I remember him being so angry and being like, what do you mean that's no money to spend it on? Blah blah blah. This is that's all the stuff I want to do, but that's no money. And I remember being like, we don't have any more money, Like this is stretching it as thin as we can.
Yeah, exactly where is that coming from?
We're in debt, Yeah, so much debt. And look, so I was in my first year of working, like I was doing well, I'd started my first full time job, and I think he really really struggled with that. He just couldn't accept it. And I started to see more and more like fights were even more constant. That manipulation and lack of affection again was still so apparent. It was every day. I remember riding in my calendar an
ex for every day that we didn't have an argument. No, there were some months with like no days, and I was like being like, oh, well, if it gets better, then we'll try and work on it, or if it stays like this, then I'll leave. So again, constant goal setting. It got to this point where I was like I was taking on a lot of that financial responsibility, and I was like, I actually want some of this money that I have earned for myself.
Yeah, of course, and like you deserve that, but you probably were being talked out of the fact that you did, because remember, we should be sharing money.
Did start a business. I was a pet and I remember saying something about what I now know is a binding financial agreement. So what I now know is a BFA. I had literally been like, oh, if my business starts to kind of take off, I want to kind of put this into place. And I remember him blowing up at me because we're married and I should you know, be in toime to that, Rara, And it's not like, you know, we're going to break up, and it was so over the top.
Oh, no, we are. We are absolutely going to break up.
Oh honey.
The reason you're being defensive is you're so worried I'm going to break up with you because I'm now successful and you're not going to be able to get a part of that. Because anyone with their right mind on that genuinely doesn't relieve they're going to break up. They're like, yeah, i'll sign your dumb BFA. We don't need it, but sure like no one else cares.
Yeah, exactly. If I said that to my partner right now, he'd be like, cool, let's get it done.
That's literally what my husband did. When I was like, hey, cool, so we're going to move in together and I have a business. He was like, yeah, right, whatever, where do you want me to sign? And I remember being like green flag, Yeah, it is a right. I was like, this is actually very sexy. So you're saying you don't even care that much about the binding financial agreement because you just don't think we're going to need it. That is very hot, It is, right, Yeah, like the things
we find sexy. Now we're a little bit older, we're like, oh, yeah, so you unloaded the dish without being asked. Wild, Yeah, it is.
It's crazy, isn't it. I'd never got the BFA into place. But then we did eventually like split finances, and as soon as we split finances, I was able to save and I started putting aside more and more money, and I started to build up my emergency fund, which was great. And also at this point in time, we decided to consolidate our debt because there was a lot of it.
And I mean, that's not a terrible idea in the grand scheme of things, like because you probably were dropping your interest right and like just getting everything in order right.
Yes, And honestly, if I hadn't been listening to Canna, I wouldn't have ever known how high my interest rate was. It was ridiculous. I wouldn't be able to tell you what it is now, because keep in mind we'd already consolidated. I think it was once or twice at this point in time, so we had two loans. I want to say, because then I remember looking at it going, oh my gosh,
we can get it. It was something like a nine percent interest rate with ing or an eight percent with ing, but they only did at the time single person loan.
Yeah, so I had to go into one person's name and it was yours, wasn't it. Yeah, sure, tell me what happened once it was all in your.
Name, so all in my name signed to pay things off. It was going well. I was able to put a side more money, I was getting a lot more educated, which was great. And that was when I was like, I can't do this shit anymore. And I was like, I'm done. And so I ended up having the conversation. I said, cool, let's end this. It was a process and it ended up being one that we double backed on. I said, okay, fine, let's try it again. That happened twice within this a three month period, and it got
to this one point I said no, okay. I was like, we're done. This isn't good for either of us, and then we broke up. So we lived together for a few weeks before finding our own places. It was uncomfortable, it was awkward, of course, it was oh yeah, it's
so rough, like it was just it's not nice. And I think at this point this is when it was really easy that when he you know, again, threatened self harm and I remember just like being like cool, I'd finished work for the day and I was like great, just got home and I said, cool, get in the car. We're going straight to the hospital, and again took him straight up to the hospital, went there, sat and then waited him to be seeing SESS, got a plan in place, and then back home for it all the whole cycle
to play out again. But that was all right. I think it was just that, you know, getting it done and just being like I'm not tolerating anymore, like this just needs to happen, because I think that point, I finally had this money and I could finally see that there was an end goal and I could get out of this. There was a light, Yeah, there was there was any Look, it shouldn't have taken so long, but I was like twenty three and I was like, I can get out of.
This eye one hundred percent. And this is what frustrates me so much, and like, I'm glad that your situation wasn't, you know, as dire as some women's, but like people who say, why didn't you leave earlier? Like get in the actual bin? How how was I meant to leave earlier? And even if I could have left earlier. It's like, you know how you said before, you know, we tried it a few times before we did it, Like we didn't get married with the intention of getting a divorce.
Like there's always that like small little thread of hope that maybe we could fix this, Like I did fall in love with this person for a reason. I do genuinely in in my heart of hearts, I wanted this to work out. And I think that you have that little glimmer of optimism, especially when you're not a narcissist. You're like, oh, like, you know, I believe in the best in people, and I really think that they could
get through this. But on the flip side, they're like, I reckon, I could manipulator again, Like it's just the most cooked situation.
Literally, and they're very well versed at it. And I think, yeah, you are. When people say, you know, why don't they leave sooner? Or you know, he did that once, so you know surely he's going to do it again, Like you don't know that at the time, and you've always got this constant hope that you know, oh, he's going to get better. It's just his mental health, like he's going to be okay, We're going to be okay, and no, like like I'm going to be okay. Now, I'm like,
I'm going to be okay. But at the time I was in his trap, and I think that's what happens to so many people, and unfortunately like women in particular.
Yeah, exactly, all right, let's go to a really quick break. All right, we are back and you're doing this, you're living together. It's not very comfortable. What happens next.
So moving out and he doesn't have any money, so I lent him. I think it was like a thousand dollars something like that, fifteen hundred something like that. So he's got that money, and then you know, I help him move whatever, and then my life starts going on a really nice, good, positive trajectory.
As it should, Yes, as it should.
I didn't know how bad it all was. Still at this point in time, I hadn't really seen all the light, and so we were still talking, still friendly. I finished a qualified for work, and I moved out regional and at one point he came back to visit, and I remember when he did this trip. He was also doing like a big trip around the state, and he asked to borrow more money, and I lent him again. I'm going to say it was about a grand again, So
I lent him money that time. But this is kind of I guess where for me my financial story starts to go on out, which is when I moved to the country. I've obviously got this one loan and I had said to him, look, I'm gonna keep paying it. You keep paying me the money, I'll keep paying the loan. So he did, so that was okay, and it got to a point where I was earning really good money because in my job, I was getting like really good
penalty rates and I was on call. So within three months of being regional, and at this point that was I'm going to say six months after I left him, I had paid off the debt. So at this point it had been able to be narrowed down. That had been seventeen or something seventeen or eighteen thousand when we first got the loan, and then at this point there was ten left. And literally I saved up the ten grand and I was like, I'm just chucking it on the loan. I was like, I don't want this loan anymore.
And I saved up the ten grand and I chucked it on the loan and then it was gone. And I said to him, look, if you want to just keep paying me, I'm going to pay off the loan, or you happy that He said, yeap, cool, that's fine. I said, there's no need to pay interest, just keep paying me what you owe me. At this point, I
still owed my parents' money. So after I paid off that loan, I paid off the Center Link loan, so I had again all the repayments I had to pay back, and then the startup loan because I had paid the repayments initially, and I left the startup loan for a few months, and then I was like, why do I have this? Like, I was like, I don't need this.
Yeah, I've got to get rid of it. It doesn't feel good.
Yeah, it does it at all. And I got rid of it, and then I paid my mom and dad back and it was the last thing I had to pay back, was my mum and dad.
That would have felt so good.
Oh, the weight off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe again. And again he still owed me that money, but he was paying it regularly, which was good. Fast forward, I come back to the city I'm working in the city perhaps cop Sydney vntal prices, which is just heartbreaking to anyone. And he was still paying me money, which was good. And then go to about two years ago and because again he still owed me a bit more money and.
I still at that point still.
Still still yeah yeah. Years later and he was just paying like a small amount every week when he got paid. And I actually remember at one point calling him, and it was during COVID and I was calling him to be like I was going to say, hey, like, do you think we can increase how much of paying me? And he actually was like, hey, I wanted to talk. She as well, I'm glad we're talking. I was actually going to ask you if we could decrease how much
I'm paying you. Blah blah blah. So I ended up saying yes.
Oh, you are just a very kind human.
But look yeah, so no, I ended up saying yeah or whatever. Anyways, a few months later, he calls me says, hey, I can go back to paying you the amount that I was before. I was like great, but I remember saying, look, actually my partner and I are looking at buying a house. And he goes, oh, it must be nice, right, I just c winish at me. I was like, so, I am working in healthcare and COVID you take a seat, all right, you take a damn seat. I was like, not having it.
Sit down, just you know what, sit in the back right.
So he's still paying back. Still, that manipulation didn't stop even when I'm in a new relationship. It was text messages threatening suicide, contacting my family. At one point sent a suicide note to my family jeez as if like I had blocked his details, so he sent it to one as so can consider it. My dad with PTSD, sent it to him and then sent it to my sister, who had like, you know, a young child a lot on her play.
Absolutely not, how dare you? Did you call an ambulance because that's exactly what I would have done.
My dad did. So I was asleep, I finished night shift, and I woke up to this message and I called him and he ended up saying, look, I'm okay, I've called an ambulance and I've gone to hospital. And it wasn't until a few days later when I spoke to my family and it turned out that he had messaged my dad he'd message my sister and they were together at the time. My parents were visiting her.
Oh I'm glad that they were, though, because that could have been incredibly isolating.
Oh so horrible. My dad ended up calling police and said, I needed to go to a welfare check on this address.
One hundred percent that's exactly what you should have done.
So again, lying again, it wasn't him who called an ambulance. It was my dad that he didn't tell me he had sent a message to as well. It didn't end there. It still, you know, kept happening, and he's still an eternal victim. Post of a year after that situation, I just opened my bank account one day, and this point there's like two grand left on the ig loan that he owed me, and there was the say, two two and a half thousand that I had lent him just afterwards,
and it was just in my account. So I called him and I was like, hey, what's the guy. I was like, thank you so much. It's just you know,
like thanks for moving that money over. And he's yeah, you're welcome, and I was like, oh, so are you, And he goes, what do you mean, and I said, well, I would say thank you if I lent someone money and you know I've been paying it back, and he goes, you didn't let me money, Rah rah rah, And I remember him screaming at the phone, sorry what I know he lost it, and I just remember said it and
I was like, I don't need to hear this. And I just remember sitting there with the phone like held away from my face, hearing him scream, and I was like, this isn't my life anymore, and I'm so grateful. And I just sat there and I was like, okay, all right, well all the best. I'm going to go. I heart the phone and I sent a message to all my sisters and I said, hey, if he contacts you or if he wants to spend time with you, don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. He's not
a nice man. He is not a good person, and I suggest you don't spend time with him. I'm not going to tell you not to, but I don't think he's someone that should be around your families or your children.
You're a better person than me. I would have been like, do not talk to this person like I would have cut them. No, Nope, you're a better human than I'll ever.
Be no, don't so that not at all. I didn't ever want to put anyone in a position where they felt controlled or felt like they were obliged to do something. But I was like, I don't want this man in my life. I said, don't tell me. If he contacts you, don't tell him anything about me. And I blocked him on everything except for his phone number. So that was that. After that, at that point, one of my best friends was like, oh my gosh, you need to get that
money back, blah blah blah. And then other one was like, girl, I think you're seeing it, and I was like, I don't care. At that point, it's like two.
And a half grand, yep, just wipe that off.
I'm done. I don't want that. And again, now I can look at it. I'm never getting that money back from him, but I don't really care, Like the peace of mind I have now is so much more important.
Yeah, one hundred percent.
So look, that was the big foundational trauma side of my money story.
That is heavy and hard, and I'm so grateful that you took the time to share it. But what on earth? But now you're out the other side, right, like you've come out the other side. You mentioned a few times, like you're working in healthcare. Tell me what do you wear and what is your job?
Now?
Yes, okay, so I am a paramedic and paramedic manager me.
The whole time. Call a paramedic, col a paramedic and you're like, yeah, that's me.
Babe, s me hey, hi queen as we No. Literally I remember one of those days when I finished work and I had taken a patient to that hospital. At the end of the day, I went home and I took him straight back to the nurse that I had handed over my patient too, and she was like, ah, and it's just that, like you know, even in the city,
even in the city, it happens. You know, like you see those same people in your personal life that you see in your work life, and it's just you know, not just a small town thing.
Yeah, one hundred percent. That would have been jarring for both of you.
I think, yeah, I think the good thing at that point, like we were done at that point, so it was kind of I could be a little bit separate and be like this is my friend, not this is my husband, which was good.
No, that is so good.
So my base rate is one hundred and fifteen thousand. I rely heavily on penalties.
I was about to say, please tell me you get a lot of penalties, because like one hundred and fifteen thousand like good salary, but not enough for what you do.
No, it's a big win. It's gone up in the last couple of years, but I think it doesn't equate to what we do. But that's okay. I'm not ungrateful. I am really happy. And a massive benefit being that we get lots of really good penalties with that. So unfortunately it's very rare that we actually get our breaks, but we do get paid a penalty for every break that we miss.
Yeah. Good.
We also get paid overtime, so the second that you go into overtime, like you're one minute in, you get paid overtime. So last year with penalties, I earned one hundred and thirty one thousand. At the moment, I am on track to earn one hundred and fifty nine thousand.
Oh my god. That means you're doing so much extra work.
Yes i am. I also have stepped into a new role in the last year, which does pay a lot more the base rate for that one Off the top of my head is one hundred and twenty three thousand, so I am earning more at the moment than what I normally do. Again, with that as well, we still earn the same penalty. So if you miss a meal, if you finish late, if you you know, get a call out, that kind of thing, you do get penalties as well.
I think this is so important. But how are you as a paramedic look after yourself in these situations? Because, like, as you said, you worked through COVID and now we're learning you're a paramedic, Like that would have been a lot. But then also you're not just dealing with you know, Johnny fell off the trampoline every single time, you're dealing with so much mental health, you're dealing with, you know, arguably so much trauma. How are you looking after yourself?
So this is a sustainable career.
Like it's a lot, it really is. And COVID was a lot, and it was horrible, and I saw a lot of wonderful paramedics burn out so fast. And I have friends of mine that have been in the job, like they left after less than two years because it broke them. So I've always been very passionate about taking care of my mental health. My dad was a firefighter and he had PTSD and so he was a really really good role model for me. So I luckily my
workplace pays for psychology, which is great. They supply psychologists, but I do also I have a private psychologist, so I see her regularly. She's lovely, She's a gem. And that's just for that matindents and I honestly anyone who's ever like there's so much stigma still, which just breaks my heart. But like, just go talk to someone. It's the best thing. Like they can give you such a good perspective, they can help you through so much. So psychology,
I exercise regularly. I try to eat as best as I can, and just you know, catch it with friends and actually taking that time to debrief and take care of myself and doing those recharging things, you know, spend time with people I love, do things that I enjoy.
No, I love that. I love that. And it sounds like you're in a new relationship from the way that you're talking. Talk to me about what life looks like right now, and do you have any big money goals that you're working towards.
Oh, yes, life's good.
Hey, like life is so cross it sounds it now.
Yeah, honestly, so, I have been with my lovely partner and I have been together. We got together when I was separated. So in Australia, obviously you have to be twelve months separated to then get divorced. I'm going to say it was eight months. Eight months after separating was when my partner and I got together, and we have now been together for almost five years now. He's the best person, genuinely the best person. He's so great and yeah,
so it tours a big money goal. So he and I just bought our first apartment together.
Oh, congratulate, I'm exciting.
Thank you through Zella Money.
Actually, are you actually one of my clients?
Yeah, genuinely. Yeah. Oh I love this and.
I'm so disappointed I didn't know that earlier.
Well, look, you can't really keep track of every single client, Like I feel like that's a lot for one gal.
I feel like it feels so nasty, like people are going to listen and go, how did Victoria not know that you were a client? Like that's so bad? Like, thankfully, a lot of things don't reach me unless there's an issue, and if there's an issue I know, but like, I have six full time mortgage brokers with like literally over the year, thousands of clients. I wish I knew them all personally, but I just I don't get that privilege. So I'm hoping that the team has looked after you
in the best possible way that I've taught them. And that's a positive ZEALA money story.
Oh it is so lovely.
I'm so proud of them. And the idea that you got to settle on your first home that is so exciting.
Oh it's And honestly, we had this guy that a few years ago, my partner and I were looking at buying. We saw this guy. He was great whatever it came to this time round, and we were like asking him questions to seems and he was very much at start, it was like, great, let's get you into this home because it's been a very long journey to get to hear he was then like it got to this point where we were asked he was trying to figure out
we both owned good money, we both had deposits. Do we buy a property separately each, do we both buy investments? Do we buy one live in? Do we buy one investment do we do them together? What do we do? When I was asking him questions and I asked about Terran, this was the last straw. I said, Look, what would our interest rate be looking like if we did one on occupied one investment property together? And he goes, depends on how many times you change your mind this week?
Excuse me.
I was ropeable.
I would have just been like, okay, cool, no worries by Hey, you know what, I'm not gonna lie. I'm really glad that happened because I wouldn't have got you as a client if he had maintained his relationship properly.
I know, I literally, I'm like, he is not going to get this ongoing commission for thirty years. He is not going to get this, you know, first payment. I was account and because she said him, I said, look, we would like to work with you, but we want someone who is aligned to our goals and can support us. I understand you do this every day for us. This is the first time purchasing property. If you don't think you can help us with this, then please tell me.
And then he just sent through what he thought the interest rate would be, didn't acknowledge anything I said, and I was like, nah.
Goodbye, absolutely not. You should never feel like that with a financial broker at all. Like at the end of the day, Like I know one thing for sure, and that's my girls will go above and beyond for our clients. Like you change your mind every single day, Like that's fine, that's fine, We'll map it out. Like we want you to be so secure with the financial decision you're making.
You've literally never taken on more debt in your life, Like this is one of the biggest, if not the biggest financial decision you'll ever make, and it is a privilege that we get to hold your hand through that process. You're allowed to change your mind a million times over. Like you want me to map out you want to know what's seven fifty eight hundred eight twenty five, six hundred.
I don't care what it looks like. I will give you a scenario and map it out so that you go I feel so confident, I'm so ready, Like that's what we want to hear.
Yeah, And honestly I said to her when we had a first appointment, said, look, we've just had a really bad experience. As I just want to clarify this is our goal. This is what we're thinking. We've talked it through with the accountant. This is where we're at. Is this thing you can help us with? And she was like, yes, absolutely, and I was okay. I was like, we kind of want to, you know, we're working towards investments blah blahlah,
because our goal is ultimately we want a house. Obviously Sydney's not very attainable for a house, which is why we're starting with an affordable mortgage for us, and we're going to buy an investment property and so talking about that and I was like, okay, what can we do? And she was like, cool, we could do regular valuations. How about I do six monthly check ins. We'll do this this This set up a punch. She was so lovely and I just felt so instantly at ease and
just so good. Honestly, she's so so kind.
I am glad, I am very proud of my team. So talk to me. Now, you've got a mortgage. How much is that?
Yes? Alrighty, So our mortgage is five hundred and twenty six thousand and seven, one hundred and seventy four dollars at the moment.
Exciting, and how much did you purchase for six sixty. Oh, how good's that? So you had a pretty good deposit.
Yeah, so a deposit, pretty sizable. We've done quite well. So we both had our deposits, we'd saved up. And then my partner's parents, when his grandparents all unfortunately passed away, his family came into quite a bit of money, and so his mum and dad made the decision that each of the children would get one hundred thousand dollars to go towards their first home.
Isn't that so nice? Like that they got to be a part of like your like and I know that people you know often are like, oh, inheritance, but like, how nice that that got to go towards you creating a home. They would be so proud.
They're such lovely people. And it was like I used to be like that. I used to be so jaded about it, and because I, you know, I had a hext and I worked for things, and so I was raised that you had to work for low things. And I used to be really jaded about it if anybody got money, and then I was like, no, I guess
that's what parents can do. Like, if you're lucky enough, fortunate enough, to work hard and to be able to do that for your kids, like, that's such a wonderful gift you can give them, and his mum and dad are such great people, so honestly, it's so amazing. So we both had a decent deposit, had that then combination from his parents, and now we also now have So there's one hundred and thirty four thousand of our deposit is still there. We actually had enough for the ten percent on two properties.
Is it in your offset?
Yes? Of course.
Yeah. I was about to say, Jack would have set you up properly so that all of this is working very nicely.
Yes, she did. So, Look we've got that. The rest of our deposit is sitting in an offset account. We are pre approved for our investment loan, and it's just at the moment, to be honest, we're doing renos and it is so stressful. So it's a matter of just like whence we've kind of got this done, then we're going to get the investment property sorted. But at the moment it's sitting there offsetting up personal mortgage, which is great.
How exciting. I feel like you've got all your financial stuff sorted. Tell me, are you investing in any other way or are you like, Nope, we've saved all this money. We're going to go all in on property. At the moment, absolutely so.
I have got just over fifty two thousand in shares at the moment.
What, Like, you are so set up. I'm obsessed.
Thank you. Tell me about your super In terms of super I have ninety seven thousand at the moment.
Oh nice. I feel like you are very well set up, like you were on the right path.
Yeah, we're getting there. It's been good making progress.
I want to go back to like seventeen year old you and be like, okay, cool, So do you know how it ends up? Like and this isn't even going to be the end, Like this is going to be lit and you'll just be Oh, how cool would that have been?
Yeah? Honestly, I seventeen year old me would one think I'm so cool and two would be so proud of me.
She would be I was very.
Fortunate in the last couple of years. So I mentioned you before, like we were going to buy previously. It was just before COVID, and I'm so glad we didn't. We were in NOC. We were so close to having this massive max out mortgage just before cod which is during COVID. So glad we didn't do it, because in that time, with that money, I off my hex set completely, which was from a one year of one degree a whole degree and at that point in time half of a master's hat off that I then bought myself a
car and a deal a demo. Of course I was responsible. Saved a fair bit of money by doing that, and just yeah, saved so much money. And if we hadn't had gone through what we did with our property journey previously, there is no way we have been on one to two international holidays every year since kind of COVID lockdown's lifted, as well as small holidays as well. I no longer have a hextet. I, you know, have excellent savings. I now have this great share portfolio.
I'm obsessed. And you know what, at the time when you lost at that auction, I'm sure you were heartbroken because that's all you ever thought you wanted.
Oh yeah, I actually drove past that address this morning on my way home from work, and I was like, I'm so glad we didn't get that. I'm so glad we didn't.
I feel like it's such a good lesson in that like sometimes when you don't get things, it's because they were meant to pass you by. I like, and I think that that's such a nice way of like being able to reflect and be like Nope, Like if it's not working for me right now, that's because it's not meant to Like this maybe a lesson or maybe there's
something better coming. And I think that so many times, especially like with the story that you've shared, Like there were times where you're like I'm never getting out of this, or like I don't even know how to leave, but like you did it now, like the sun is not just shining, but the grass is greener where you're standing, Like isn't that like the best thing ever?
Yeah, honestly, it is so good. I'm so happy and secure and it feels really really good.
I adore it. All Right, I've got two more questions because I know we quickly running out of time. Let me know, what do you think your best money habit is.
I'm gonna say automation love Honestly, set up everything really early, so everything is planned for so each pay I allocate for the year. So whether it's bills, either their monthly or annual, my groceries, my spending money, my saving money, my holiday money. Everything is allocated as a fortnightly automation.
Love and then what do you think your worst money happen? Although I don't know someone who rates themselves an a has any.
At the moment, I have been tracking a little bit less than I normally would, just because we've been renovating. It's been a bit hectic. So ordinarily a girlfriend and I we catch up at the start of every month and we go over how we've done the four weeks before.
That is so wholesome. I'm obsessed. Where can I find a friend like that?
For me?
It's so and also so I note so proud of her. She also signed contract on her first place yesterday as well.
I'm obsessed.
Eighteen months ago. I tried getting her to listen to your podcast eighteen months ago and she was like, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to look at money. It's too stressful, blah blah blah. And now now.
She's getting her in house, I'm obsessed. How good is it? And you know what I get that money can be overwhelming. The amount of times people say oh, like, I know all your podcast, but I'm just I'm not ready, Like girl, you know it when you're ready. But like, it's so relatable to just feel overwhelmed when it comes to money.
And I'm pretty sure if I went back to money diarist as in you back when you were like twenty two twenty three, you were in tens of that of dollars of debt, you were emotionally and financially supporting your husband who was not a nice human being. Like I can't imagine you would have been like, yeah, great money podcast, That's exactly what I need. Like you would have been telling me to get in the bin. And I totally
get that. But I think it's so powerful and sometimes you can only see those things in hindsight.
Yeah, definitely, I'm glad now that I can see it, But at the time I couldn't. I literally could see none of it. So it really is like hindsight of course.
All right, money Diristy. It has been so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am literally obsessed. But last question, you said that you were in a what's it going to take to get you to an A plus?
Look, I want more money through dividends. I think I think that's kind of a current goal. And once my partner and I can kind of get an investment property sorted, I'm really keen to get that underway so that we can kind of work towards.
The big family home.
Yeah, getting out like you know, our big house, which would be good.
I'm so obsessed that I get to be on that journey with you, Like that is literally so special, because like my favorite clients are the ones where you know, you come back and we're working out what equity you have and what we can do and how we can invest, but then also how we can take you to the
next level. Like I feel like the great Australian dream of like buying your first home as your family home, it just doesn't exist, but like there's still a pathway, and like it's just so exciting when we get to be on that journey with you.
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