Apogae Production. Welcome to the shep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley and I'm Tiana.
This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
Get ready for your next level of self.
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the podcast. Today, we're talking all about hateful comments that are said online and offline and how you can turn these negative comments and hateful comments and projections into powerful, impactful lessons and you don't let it ruin the way you feel about yourself or
your confidence or anything like that. So we're really going to turn this into an empowering episode, and we're going to share some things that have been said about us online and offline and how we've kind of navigated it through.
And also, I can't wait for you to teach the way that you respond to comments online because it's something that I've really struggle with over the years, and I've almost bitten back because I wanted to defend myself, you know, and I've really learned a lot about myself in the last six months thanks to you, So I can't wait for everyone to hear how you've helped me and how you navigate that as well.
I'm excited for this conversation. It's like turning the trash talk into personal power.
Yes, you know how cool is that? Yeah? Love it. So when people talk shit to us or they say things about us, naturally you want to defend yourself. And I feel like my younger version of myself, my teenage's version of myself, and my adult self now up until
the last couple of months. Oh, I suppose I still do want to defend myself, but I'm learning that I don't need to and I don't have to, and it's almost a waste of my energy because you're trying to reason with the unreasonable, and there's a way to communicate back to people that say that stuff, and there's also boundaries that you can have in place whether they're worth your energy that day, depending on where you're at. So
obviously mine is more being on line. When I get a lot of hate and negative comments come my way, I feel the need to respond and share my story and defend myself and explain to them. But you've kind of taught me that I don't need to do that anymore, which has been really nice. In the last six months, I've been practicing that, and I still have to consciously practice that, And sometimes if I get a comment, I'll send it to you and be like, help, So what
would you respond to this? Because I can feel my back get up sometimes because I'm like, Wow, that's not true, and how dare you come onto my page and say that assumption about me? Whether it's publicly or privately. It gets me really triggered and really upset. And I think because I've dealt with it for so long over the years, it is just a hairline trigger, like it doesn't take much depending on what it's about. But when it's something fresh online that I'm navigating, I find it really hard.
What is your communication style and how do you navigate this? Because you've taught me a lot, but I'd love for you to teach everyone else because everyone deals with bullies online offline at some point in their life.
Love that firstly, I just wanted to say as well, it's also giving yourself some leeway and some leniency with that as well. You've been dealing with this for such a long time, and I can only imagine how it would feel to have people constantly nitpick at what you do, your actions, your behaviors, everything that you know is kind
of online anyway. So it's like those triggers are so valid for being there, and it's like I would feel the same way as well, you know, whereas like the whole situation of communication, when people have something to say, I think everyone is going to have their opinion at the end of the day. On social media or in person, people are going to say what they think, and sometimes
people don't care how that impacts other people. But the only thing that we can control, and I think this is what I've taught myself, even from dealing with the sex tape, is that people are going to have an opinion about what you do, regardless of how you try to paint yourself. So it doesn't matter how much you try to prove, defend, explain, or try to reason with the unreasonable, You're never going to get the response that
you want. And so all you can do in that time and in that moment, and at least this is what I've done in my journey, is respond in a way.
That you would be proud of.
Yes, And that's honestly what's helped me. So even in the moments where people have said things to my face about the sex tape, said things behind my back, whispered things as I'm walking past, message me on fake accounts, all I can do in those moments is respond in the way that i'd be proud of, in the way that I know myself to be.
Yeah, you knowuiful.
There's nothing that you can say that we'll ever convince someone to see you in a way that they're committed to misunderstanding you. You know that's powerful, and I think just you've done such a beautiful job already at growing that because you have you've wanted to learn and grow to how to not be you know, reactive in moments where you feel triggered.
But it also is hard as well.
It's acknowledging that it's hard as well, because you are being faced with that stuff all the time. It's like constantly being retriggered with an open wound. Yeah, I just think everybody gets to have an opinion. I think there's a way to deliver and communicate things, and you can stand up for yourself without judging that person, without attacking their character, without being an asshole, without being passive aggressive. There are going to be things that come up for you.
We're not going to handle it perfectly all the time. I absolutely don't, and I tell you ten years ago, I absolutely did not do this. But now it's just about responding and not defending. Yeah, it also ties into having a voice. For example, what I believe is that when you're trying to communicate with somebody and they're not hearing you, or you know that they're not going to respond in the way that you want them to, you don't.
Need them to.
It's not even about that person. It's about you. Yeah, it's about having a voice and being like, this person can have an opinion, but so can I, and I get to have an opinion in this and I get to voice what it is that I think. And if this person is saying something to me that I don't like, I have every right to come back and say, respectfully, I don't appreciate what it is that you're saying to me. I don't appreciate the way that you just spoke to me.
I don't appreciate the tone that you just came at me with So it's not about being combative or being a bitch or trying to create like chaos or anything like that.
It's none of that.
It actually, at least for me, is just about regardless of how this person is going to respond, you were valid and worthy of having a voice.
That's been a big thing because I think I was on one end of the scale reacting and wanting to defend myself, and then on the other end of the scale, I would delete because I didn't think my voice was ever going to be heard, so I just would avoid. Yeah, and then there was just a couple of comments that came through over the last couple of months, revolving you and I and this podcast or different things, and I would be triggered and say, this is really upsetting me,
and You're like, leave it there. We can respond in a beautiful way that acknowledges the situation, acknowledges what's going on. But you're also allowed to stand in your power, and you're also allowed to honor your pain whilst holding theirs and just being really cool to watch the way that you communicate, And it's really helped me reflect on my communication. I think I've just grown so much from that, but
it's still a practice for me. It's not something that I'm like, oh, all of a sudden, I got this, because I think for you it does come more natural now to respond in that way because you've practiced that for so many years. And I think we can all improve on the way we communicate with our partners, with our friends, with our kids. We lose patience and you know, the biggest thing for me too, has been just allowing a bit of space when it comes in and the
trigger comes up, a little bit of space to regulate myself. Again, never respond when you're instantly triggered. Yeah, and just regulated because nine out of ten times it's not going to come out how you'd be proud of, how you would like you to be seen. That's the key. Yeah, you'd be in regret or it would just add more fuel
to the fire. So just giving yourself that space that everyone doesn't need to be responded to in an instant For me online too, which we've had conversations around sometimes if I can see they've made their mind up about me, they are full projection, they're not open to having a conversation.
I do delete block. That's a boundary for me, I actually, you don't deserve any of my energy if you're not even willing to hear my side or be open that there's two sides to a story, or you make that assumption up about my relationship with my kids, or you're questioning my character, or sometimes I'm just like Noah and you're coming from a fake profile with no photo, no name. You're not even going to show your face. I don't
even know who I'm talking to. So there's boundaries around it as well, But it's just very cool practice when these things arise, and everyone listening can implement this into your life. Every time you come across someone that has an opinion or says something mean or negative, or criticizes you or your kids, or your relationship or your work, how do you respond? How do you react? Where's your nervous system at on a one to ten? Are you
about to blow up? Or you're at a five, or you're to three and you can still breathe bring yourself back down to be a two or three. If you're feeling on fire up here, about to burst, just give that little bit of space and it could only be a minute. I've just actually going to the bathroom and taking some big breaths and then coming back and being able to address it.
I like what you said around giving yourself a minute to regulate, especially as like a full blown anxious galley. It's so important because as an anxious person you want to lean in straight away and fix and talk about it. And also as well, even when you're receiving shit like that and people are saying things about you, you want to preserve the way that people see. You want to fix it, you want to make amends. That's what you're
forward leaning. Yes, you know, And something my dad has always said to me, He's like, if forever you are dysregulated, angry, upset at a situation, just sleep on it. Yeah, that's just sleep on it because it's like it's likely that you will feel different in the morning than what you do right now.
You just need a breather and you need a nap.
Actually, spark go to bed. Yeah, you know, had a lot of people say you should never go to bed angry with your partner. Kind of disagree. Yeah, sometimes it's okay to be angry your partner. Sleep on it and wake up and be like, oh spicy last night or wow, I didn't really hold space for you or gosh, that really upset me how you said that. Can we talk about it now that we can't, I should think it's okay to take space. And if that's at nighttime, Yeah, that's what you've got to do.
It's discernment.
Hey, it's like what you're mentioning about the online comments. Is this worth my energy or not? And you have to everybody's different obviously be able to gauge within yourself. Does this throw me into an anxious spiral and go into self doubt and it's going to ruin the rest of my day? Okay, delete and block the comment. Okay, you know, don't have the conversation right now. But if it's something that you're like, Okay, I can handle this.
This makes me uncomfortable, but also I don't appreciate this on my page in my community.
I'm not going to tolerate this.
Yeah you go, okay, beautiful, I can have this conversation with this person. Let this person know where I'm at. Yeah, engauge where that person is as well. Same thing with your partner. Okay, can I communicate how I'm feeling right now? Can they communicate how they're feeling beautiful. If yes, amazing, you'll work it out. If not, sleep on it, you'll be fine. Exact we do, and.
I think we have to remember our words can have a positive or a negative impact. People forget the power of words and negatively, they could be the reason why someone doesn't eat that day, how they skip a meal, they don't take an opportunity, they question themselves, they don't take a chance, they don't want to get out of bed. You just never want to be the person that's part
responsible for how that person's feeling. I know myself. I used to always say this when I get hate, I'm so grateful that it's on me and it's not on a fifteen year old girl that is at her tipping edge of not wanting to be on earth side. Yeah, or a mum that's a breaking point that one comment could literally have her having a mental breakdown. And she's got three young children take care of when she can't
take care of them, So bring it on me. I always think if they're doing it to me, then hopefully they're not doing it to someone else. But back when I was younger and going through the hate, I was at that tipping edge and every comment was another reminder of this is not going to stop unless I leave earthside. I would never want to be contributing to anything that could affect someone's mental health.
Ever, it's like death by a thousand cuts.
Hey, literally we comment one hundred percent And I don't know why. For some reason, people think that if you have a following that it doesn't affect you, or it's expected that you should get hate and you should have everyone's opinions thrown at you just because you think something. Guess what, You don't have to type it. Yeah, you don't actually have to vocalize that. Vocalize it with your best friend or your partner or voice recorder or journal it.
Say it in the ocean when I can hear you. You don't actually have to say that to that person online. There's still a human behind the screen.
Yeah, they forget that they're doing it to a human.
Yes, I think so too'tual person behind that screen.
Almost as if people don't understand the consequences of their actions because they're not receiving the consequences if they were. You never think it will happen to you until it's happening to you, and then you're going through it. I think it's something that we can all be more conscious and mindful of, is the way that we are outwardly
treating other people and impacting others. Because it might seem like a mindless comment on someone's social media post that you're questioning about, yeah, but don't realize that that could be the thing that tips them over the edge.
You also don't know what's cut behind closed doors. So you think by looking at their highlight reel that they've got a great partner and they've got a shiny car and they're doing well. What if their mums just passed away. What if they're in the midst of going through a divorce? Actually have no idea what if your sexual comment triggered their sexual assault from when their you like, you actually
have no idea what someone's battling behind closed doors. And guess what, every single moment of each day, you have a choice to be kind, to be positive towards someone, or to be negative. That is a conscious choice that you are making a lot of time. It's unconscious, but you need to take more responsibility for what you're putting out in the world. It does have impact.
I agree, and I think this is why it's supportant conversation to be able to have because there's a new standard that we get to set for the way that we get to be treated in everyday life online on social media, especially when it comes to people leaving random comments.
And yes, there's a battle between knowing what's worthy of replying to and then replying to things based on how much mental capacity you have, But it's setting a new standard of just going, regardless of whether it's in person, on social media, online, or wherever I get a voice. And it's not because I'm trying to fight with a troll or respond to somebody who doesn't like me, or
to prove that I'm worthy. It's simply to remind the seven year old girl inside of you and me and everyone listening that someone can say something nasty to you and you have a right to speak back. And I think a lot of women are naturally more full into the suppression of their voice and have been exiled for that in the past. Long generations before us been exiled for being witches and all the things. So it's a
whole of the conversation. But we suppress naturally our voices, and this is about a declaration to yourself of bringing back that power of your voice and reminding yourself that you've got one.
So beautifully said, every time you choose not to have a voice, actually have a photo of yourself, you're not just abandoning yourself as your adult self. You're actually abandoning that little girl. And the more you abandon her, the more she's just going to want to be seen and heard, and it's going to come out in other ways. The moment she feels heard, it's like you get to release her and she gets to be seen and love for all she is. That's only our responsibilities. No one can
actually do that for you. I wish someone could come and save you, but they can't. An amazing job in a child work. It's super challenging work, but it's really important just acknowledge that they're actually there. They're still a part of you and they always will be.
And you know what, that inner child likely doesn't have the tools to communicate properly, so us as the protectors of our inner children and children so sounds funny to say in that context, as the protectors, it's our opportunity and our responsibility to learn how to communicate as adults, so that we can resolve so that we can connect better, so that we can get that voice, and that point across of the little girl inside who struggled to speak
up when she was younger heard or who was yeah, dismissed, you know, spoken down to punish all the time, told that she wasn't allowed to have a voice. It's healing all of those things that we've experienced in the past, but doing it in a way that we're proud of.
Yes, that's so beautiful. So apparently I cheat on Steve all the time and he cheats on me all the time. This is a projection that we get all the time. Every time I go away or he goes away, there'll be a fake profile with no name making up these rumors, and that for me is something that I just don't ever entertain. It's an instant delete and block. Like we've literally been together before and someone said, oh, Steve's out doing this. I'm like, you fucking realize other movies together.
It's just so absurd. It's so crazy the lens people will go to to try and cause drama, and that for me is just not even worth one ounce of my energy. Yeah, So it's an instant delete and block. Some things I'm open to having conversations with and some things I won't.
Entertain understandable and also as well, it's an indication of the bond and the relationship and the death that you guys have know for you to be able to to.
Be able to respond in that way.
No, no, like you don't understand what we have here, what we've built and consistently built over the seventeen years that you both have been together.
I don't know us from a bar of soap.
Yeah, yeah, Like Tatiana is like the audacity for someone to try to get between someone's relationship like that marriage and to have no regard for consequences of what that might do if someone didn't have a strong bond.
Or imagine if that was a relationship where there had been cheating in the past and then they haven't done it since, which isn't Steve and I, but imagine that they're hearing a rumor that would just bring up all the triggers and imagine that partner hadn't done that. The trouble people can cause this online world is it's interesting.
This isn't necessarily a comment or anything like that. This is something that happened in real life. But I remember my first relationship that I was with. We were together on and off for about three to four years, and he had a girl best friend who was just such an absolute bitch to me. Oh no, I hate to even use the word, but she just for some.
Reason, was so rude to me.
Didn't want to buy a soap for me, wouldn't communicate with me, didn't want to be my friend, always had something to say, passive aggressive stabs. Yeah, would make it out like I wasn't there when we were all together. It was really uncomfortable, and I just remember her this one time. He told me this actually, which is bizarre
that he told me this after we'd broken up. I had gained some weight because I really struggled with the relationship breakup, and I remember him telling me, oh, so and so told me that it looks like Tiana took the breakup really bad because it looks like she's been eating a tub of ice cream every night for dinner. Obviously that wasn't said to my face. It was Chinese whispers of some kind. But it's those moments where you either get to choose, like how is this going to
impact me? In the way I feel about myself or am I going to use it into something productive?
Yes?
And little did you know, that was the very beginning of my fitness journey. Thank you, Ken confirm I turned my pain into power.
Uh huh.
I just remember being so hurt by that comment, because that was the most heartbroken I'd ever been in my life.
And I was so young, I.
Was still learning, I was still a little baby, and I'd been through what felt like a lot of pain in that relationship.
For someone to say something it sounds.
Silly, it's such a light thing, but I just remember the impact that it had. And it's just those comments that people aren't aware of. That's a passing comment, might not mean much to them, but it might completely change everything for somebody else.
Yes, you know, I don't know if you're open to sharing, but I remember you sharing with me a story about a past friendship where you were accused of taking some money, like a cleaner or a gardener bill or something. Yeah, so about that, and how did you respond to her or the situation or the rumors?
Absolutely so to give context. So I didn't know that this was being said about me. I found this out maybe two years later. Oh, something like that, and it was one of my old best friends. She had then come to me and said, hey, I'm sorry for the way that I behaved, in the way that I treated you. I didn't even give you the benefit of the doubt, and I don't believe anything that was said about you, but here are the things that are being said about you.
One of the things that was being said behind my back was that you should be worried of Tiana because she tried to take the man that I was seeing, or her boyfriend at the time when we were living together, which is very fucking ironic because I didn't even meet the guy. Oh, she wasn't dating anybody when we were living together.
I didn't know.
I do remember seeing something that she had received a gift or something like that whilst we were still living together, whilst we were still friends, but at this point our friendship had broken down so much that we weren't really telling each other everything anymore, and there was a lot of distance in space between us, and apparently I tried to take him off her, like steal her man, and it was the most bizarre thing, and I just remember being so hurt by it because I one didn't meet
the guy. I would have never done anything like that to her, and she tried to use my past against me in a lot of ways. And so that was one of the things that I was told. And then another thing that I was told was that apparently I was pocketing the cleaner money that we were putting aside for our cleaner to pay every week, which was like fifty dollars each or something seventy dollars each.
Anyone that knows you is just ridiculous.
Claiming that I was stealing money from her, which is so bizarre because especially especially in that house, I was always paying my way. We spit everything fifty to fifty even if we didn't, and she would buy food, I would then buy food, and I was paying for it for her kids.
As well, do you know what I mean.
So it was always like we were.
Always paying it forward. It really hurt me. It really hurt me, and what was said about me, and again it could have been so much worse, which is totally fine, but it's not the point. It was someone who was really close to me, really knew me, also knew how to hurt me, which is really unfortunate.
Is it kind of a good thing, blessing in disguise that you found out two years later, Because do you think at the moment you would have reacted in a different way, whereas two years down the track you were like, Okay, that's been said, I'm not going to do anything about it. Whatever. I think.
If I had so that at the time, when I was really hurt and I was really grieving the friendship, I think I definitely would have responded in a different way. But when this woman came to me and spoke to me about it, it was less about what had been said about me and more about like I was sorry that she had experienced the same thing with this woman. And I guess at the end of the day, I remember saying to her like, there's nothing that I could have said or done to change the way that she
was talking about me. Like, at the end of the day, like I know who I am, and I remember coming to you and saying this to you, There's nothing that I could have done. Who I choose to be now speaks volumes. And I've never felt like I had to defend myself, and even though I wanted to in moments where I felt vulnerable and in pain and all of
those things. I wanted to defend myself at some points, but I realized that I didn't have to do that, and who I chose to be and who I knew myself to be at my core speaks so much louder than any words that I could have said, and.
A huge lesson I've learned from you, which is cool. Yeah, it's so powerful when you don't feel like you need to defend yourself or even if you want to in the moment, but then when you regulate like, no, I don't have to, because how I show up is going to show the person that I'm choosing to be, even in situations now I always think too, how you show up it gives safety and confidence in your friends and family to see how you act and behave in moments
of trigger and hurt and upset. Well, yeah, and for them to see that you handle that with grace and with love and with compassion and no aggressiveness. It's just beautiful. You know. How I see you communicate with everyone makes me feel so safe for anything that I bring to you. I know you're going to hold with love and you're never going to question my intentions or who I am. It's not going to change the way that you think
about me or feel towards me. You know, it does speak such volume and that inspires me to be a better person.
There's one more thing that I just wanted to say in terms of communication, that's really been a lifeline for me. If you ever feel disregulated, overwhelmed, so full of emotion that you don't know how to communicate, I highly recommend just using this framework. So it's facts, feeling resolution. Oh okay, and this is the way whenever I felt uncomfortable, I would always use this. You write down the facts of the situation, so XYZ happened, feelings, it made me feel xyz. Resolution,
This is what I would need moving forward. Can we do this?
That's cool?
And it doesn't matter.
What kind of area in life you're in, relationship, friendship, family member, it doesn't matter. It's always a framework that you can use to communicate and get across exactly what it is that you want really and also share your feelings. This is you expressing yourself, building that voice up again.
I absolutely love that. If you guys walk away from the episode just implementing that into your communication and how you deal with things, or if it's just allowing yourself that space when you feel triggered to just take some breaths and regulate and think do I want to react or do I want to respond in a way that I'm proud of, because you get a choice, but a lot of us just need that little bit of space to gather our thoughts and even having like a safe
person with it's your partner or your mom, your best friend, someone that you can invent out how you really feel. Tatiana and Stephanie do that often all the time. I will literally say to Steve, babe, as she's gone for a walk, Stephanie wants to tell you how I feel about what happened today. And Stephanie's fucking pissed. And Stephanie thinks this, and I want to respond this, and I'm not going to. I'm gonna tell you how I feel.
You know, it's so healthy to get that out. And once I've blown that bit of steam, even if it's just a minute, I'm like, now, now I'm going to draft out my reply in a way that I'm proud of actually come back in.
And you often feel so much better after that anyway, because it's a more compassionate version of you comes. Yes, you're like, oh, this can see this water is, I can see you for your pain. I can see where
this projection is coming from. And also too, with online stuff, I feel like the last six months, I've really tried to think, Ah, I can see how they might assume that because I haven't said anything about this, or because there's only one side at the moment, or because they've seen this or this online, and because I've said that once,
I can see how they're assuming that. Yes, and try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and don't assume the worst, you know, because sometimes if you're triggered or something's happening, you can think that they've got bad intentions, but genuinely they've missed something, or they're curious, or they a bit nosy, but they mean no harm. So it's been cool for me to take a step back and be like, Okay, this person isn't attacking me, they're just curious.
I'll give them a benefit of the doubt, and then by their next response, I can gauge where they're at and their intentions behind it. Oh I like that. Yeah, but it's still allowing space, isn't it.
It's like not taking it so personally. Yeah, it feels like an attack. Yeah, but being willing to hear and communicate more to discover the truth below.
And when you have an online platform, whether it's a thousand followers or a moon followers, people are interested in your life. They genuinely are. They want to know what's up, they want to know what's happened. They want the goss, they want the tea, they want the story because they're connected. It's like when people watch reality shows. You don't know that person from a bar of so many, you're addicted to watching their lives. It's quite a similar Yeah, yeah, same, same,
But anyways, thank you guys for joining us. We hope you loved this episode and we'll see you next week. Up the next episode next week. What day are we? I don't know? Wednesday? Are we Friday? Bye guys,