Apoday production.
We begin today by acknowledging the traditional custodians of the land on which we gather today and pay our respects to their elders past and present. We extend that respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people's here today. Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm Ashy, I'm Kiara. This is a podcast where we learn, laugh, and level up together. Let's go deep, let the.
Emotions flow, and find the lessons to grow and glow. Nothing is off the table with Grow and Glow and we're here to be your expander.
Hello, guys, welcome back to Grand Glow.
Why are we so weird?
Whacky Wednesday?
Whacky Wednesday? Today we're talking about victim mentality. Yeah, something that we're definitely I feel all have fallen into at some point in our lives, maybe some more than others. And listen to this. You might think of people in your life that really it's their emotional home and they go to But let's get straight into it. Yeah, So someone who is in victim mentality is someone that's just always the victim. Like life's always hard, things are always
going wrong, the glass is half empty. They haven't found a way to be more positive and to find the lessons and to grow through the hard times. They just think life is just always hard for them, and they have it harder than anywhere else, and it's a really unhealthy, miserable, sad place if that is your emotional home. Yeah, Like we all have moments of feeling like a victim, and
sometimes you are victimized. But the key is to be able to feel all and then know when to move through it and not let it drag on too much, because otherwise it really is a low vibration. Like you just don't feel happy, you don't feel good, you don't feel a lie, you can't you lose your power, you don't take steps to move forward and grow.
Yeah, for me, when I think of someone in victim mentality, I think of somebody who struggles to look things from a different perspective. I think it's someone that they see what's happened and they don't actually look at the facts of the situation and go like, Okay, what's actually really going on here or how did I play a part in this? It's also like taking a bit of account
of responsibility. Yeah, So for me, it's just somebody who's really kind of shut off and like this is the way it is and that's why it is and blah blah blah, poor me, yea, rather than being like, oh, maybe they did it because I did that, or maybe that happened that way because of this, or you know, trying to have compassion and see things from another angle.
They really blame a lot too. They blame other people, they blame outside situations, they blame their environment, they blame their past a lot. And this was me to a tea growing up in my teenage years, even early twenties. It wasn't until I started in my self development journey and did my first Tony Robins course that I realized what a victim I was like in my whole life.
I just remember being such a victim, and I think it kind of served me in a way because I felt like, as a kid in his teenager I didn't get much significance or love or attention from my home life. So that kind of got that outside of it. And as humans, we know we have human needs and one of them is for significance. Love and connection is a huge one. So that kind of got me that because of being a victim, so it served me until it didn't.
And once I realized this is how I was getting my love and connection, it didn't make the love and connection feel nice anymore. I've realized it's not how I wanted to get it. But yeah, I was always a victim. Like my real father didn't want me, my stepdad was abusive, we never had any money. We're always moving because my stepdad was getting fired. I never could like find secure friends.
I was unlucky. Everyone else had it easy, Like these are the kind of stories I would tell myself and language I would use, So of course I'm going to attract more of that hardness. I never attracted light and good friends and abundance of money because that's where I
was sitting at in my vibration, my frequency. So when I did the first Tony Robins course I did when I was like twenty, we did a whole day on like the bullshit stories that we tell ourselves and how it holds us and learn all about the victim mentality, and it was just like this huge light bulb won't for me. I was like, oh my goodness, this is
literally how you've been living your life. And from that day forward it was just like change my life so good, And I still allow moments to be a victim and to feel like a victim, like whether I call you or have event to Steve and I'm just like oh this person said this and it sucks, or like fuck, this has happening again. But I won't sit there. Yeah, I have that moment and then I'm like, flick the switch. I need to move through it because I don't want
that to become my emotional home. That doesn't serve me, It doesn't help me. What does it do. It literally does nothing but bring me pain and frustration and keep me feeling stuck. Definitely, So we're not here to judge anyone. If you are feeling victimized and you're in that moment right now, it is quite a difficult skill to learn how to move through it and move through it quickly and effectively.
Yeah, so I was in victim mentality not all that long ago. If you guys, listen to our mystery episode that we did with Katie, which was such a banger episode, So if you haven't listened to it, you sho go listen to it after this one.
That was interesting.
It was a banger. We need to do another one of those. But basically I spoke about the season that I went through right after I had the falling out with my parents, and how I was heavily drinking and I was really fixating on everything that happened. And that's a big sign that you're in victim mentality if you are really fixating on something and not able to get it out of your mind and constantly reliving it in your brain. And it was just such an awful way
to live the first few months. I feel like there was a lot of blame. There was a lot of me being angry and just holding no compassion because I was just I need to sit in my shit for a bit, but I sat in it for too long. I feel like, and now like when I speak about certain things, like I have so much more compassion. I can understand that the way things have triggered certain people and the way things have unraveled the way that they have, and I feel like I just don't have that like anger.
And also I guess I hold accountability for my part and everything because it always is that way, like everyone plays a part, everyone has their own thing going on. But yeah, that victim mentality place that I was in so low, so dark, so just shit, sorry to think of a nice word. It was just soit shit, like literally like flying all the time for me, and like, yeah, I didn't have my family most of my family at my wedding and like that was fuck, it was shit.
But like I just numbed the fuck out victim mentality drank it away and like, holy shit, I could handled it so much better. But I feel like after that happened was when so much of my healing and growth began. So before that, I hadn't gone and see psychologist. I hadn't gone and seen coaches. I didn't have any of the tools. So sometimes it's all getting pushed like once you're in that bad space, the break down, it was
right before the breakthrough, and it's so true. So yeah, I feel like I did like bits and piece of healing, but I never went deep dive. And after that happened, I was like, whoa, this is the time. But yeah, we're here, like we're owning our times, we're owning our shit, and it's okay if you're in a moment right now or if you have been, and we've gotta also hold passion for ourselves and just try to get out of it.
Yeah, I feel like what really helped me was that taking responsibility. So I feel like it's so easy to blame other people. And I did just blame my step bad so much. I was like, he told me how done my war was. Like he abused me, he never loved me, he never made me feel safe, and like that is all true. And I was victimized for sure as a young girl that wasn't enjoyable or fun or right. But it gets to a point and it's like, well that was my past, but my past doesn't have to
define my future. Yeah, and I'm a grown us adult now, Like this is my responsibility to create a life that I really love and to choose a man that's a beautiful father to my children, and to choose a man that treats me right, and to show myself and prove myself that I'm not dumb, that I am lovable. Everything he said, Like if I was to believe him and blame him, I would just continue living to think that I'm not worthy of love, I'm not worthy of a
good career, I'm not worthy of money. All those things used to tell me. But it was like that moment I was like, no, it's my life. I'm going to live my life and have you control it. And it wasn't even really like it can't control it's my choice what I take on. But you know, when you're going through that as a young teenager, you just don't have that awareness, You don't have that knowledge. And I was
taught you this. This is the kind of stuff I wish they taught in school because I feel like it would be so much nicer if you didn't have to go through all that pain as a young adult. We learned that from an earlier stage, Like things we're going to teach our kids, I think it will minimize and take away a lot of the pain that we had to go through. And it's all beautiful and happens for
the right reasons. And I'm so grateful for my journey because it's led me to be here today and be able to talk about this and have a story to share. But taking responsibility is truly what stepped me out of victim mentality. And if I ever slip back in there, which I do once again, it's taking responsibility like hey, well shit, that fucked that happen, or that's really not what I had planned or man, I can't believe they said that this has happened. But what am I going
to do with it? How am I going to perceive it? How am I going to look at? What's the meaning I'm going to put onto it? Because there's many as you can put into a situation. You can blame, you can make up this story, you can assume over here, but you actually get to decide how you view it. And it can be positive and empowering or it can be victim and negative and shit, yeah, so much choice in there.
So should we go through the signs of being in victim mentality? Okay, so first up, we have got stating that people are better off without them. Oh yeah, so saying you're better off without me.
Yeah, And when someone says that, now, like you can straight away see there in victim mentality and you can have so much compassion love, But I also just want to be like come on, like shake you, like no, get out of that, Like you're better than that, come on, let's do it, like no, yeah, we're not going down that path. We're going over here. We're going uphill together.
The next one is dramatizing insignificant events. So if things aren't really that big, making mountains out of molehills. Yeah, making big deals out of things that aren't really a big deal.
Because once again, that gains some significance, and it gains them probably loving connection because people will be like, oh my god, that happened to you, so true, so wow are you poor thing? You poor thing?
They feel love from it, They get love.
And they get significance. It reconfirms the victim. I know it was so fucking hard, like yeah, poor me. Fuck yeah, and then they think like, you know, no one else has been through that, Like you're also just so in your own head right when you're a victim because you think you're the only one that's gone through that. No one understands like poor me. In today, like most people have been through something really fucking hard or traumatic, all the navigating something like that, and they do get it
to a certain degree, it's just looks different for them. Yeah.
Next one is learned helplessness, So feeling like you cannot do anything to get out of the spot that you're in. I'm helpless, I can't do this, Like yep, that's it, Like this happens, that's it. The whole day's over. Dropping the coffee, the day is fucked. Days fun love your coffee. Coffee. Yeah, rather than be like, oh whoops, see there we go, they're just like as soon as one little thing happens, it just triggers their day to just spiral.
And you give all your power away them. I know that's what you do when you drop into victim mentality. All your power is gone. You can take it back at any point in time. That's so true. I actually love that coffee reference because it's like, if you were like, oh fuck my coffee, blah blah blah, and being in that energy, guess what you're probably gonna trip over you drop a glass. It's spirals because that's what you're attracting. Yeah, I so believe in energy.
Flustered and like, oh, rigid movements, you're.
Not flowing and trusting and just like yeah, oops, spit that that's what you're gonna attract more of because it's so aware of the energy.
So aware. It's like even yesterday we were stuck in traffic and like went the wrong way and always happened, and I said to actually, whenever this happens, I just trust to see it's keeping us safe, they could have been a car crash at least could have happened, that could have happened, and.
Wrong place, wrong time.
Yeah, but then yeah, like I've been in moments in life where I've been like, oh, so frustrating, I'm stuck in traffing, you know. So the next one is lack of empathy, So not having empathy for other people and considering their feelings, just being poor me all in your own head, on your own head. Yeah.
I don't want to say it's selfish to be victim, but sometimes if you're living in there all the time, it is a little bits.
A little bit yeah, self centered.
Self centered, that's a nicer word.
You're doing everything around yourself, Yeah, and not thinking about how the other people might be feeling, or even acknowledging that they might be having a horrible experience because yours are so much worse off you can't even see that, or a hard day. So like if they're a bit reactive and you're like, oh you always talking, know this, like they might be having a you know, just having compassion empathy for others. Low self esteem, Yeah, definitely.
A lot a lot of self worth is there in victims when they're living in victim mentality. You don't think you're worthy, you don't think you're deserving of anything. N that's the kind of language that someone in victim mentality will use. I'm not worth it, Like what's the point? What's the point? That's so not must mean anyway, all this always happens to me, like, oh, I've got the shit as luck, trust my luck. You know those kind of sayings. Yeah, I feel like.
They used to so much. Yeah, like, yeah, of course it's going to happen.
Yeah, yes, we've all heard that from people. Hey, and some people like laugh it off. But now when they say it, I've got so much awareness around this, I'm just like, oh, careful. Or when they say of course it happens to me, it's like, yeah, of course, look at the language you're using.
Exactly you're going to try that surprised. Yeah, so true. Needing excessive attention in so you know how you said how they're like this happened, and like it's because they're wanting attention, Yes, that's it. They're wanting love connection like what you said. Yeah, yeah, so they're needing excess of it, fuelance.
Yeah, and validate it. Yeah, they've convinced himself of all of it, but hearing it from other people, it's like their outside validation to really confirm it, like oh poor.
Me, blaming others for their actions, taking no accountability or responsibility, and being easily angered, agitated or irritated, irritated, ceriation, irritated, really snappy. It's like when you're driving on the road and you like, some little thing happens and one person, I'm like, oh, no worries, no stress, and you do it to the next person. They're like beeping the horns, things out the window and you're like, whoa, man, it's all good.
Easily triggered because they're on edge and they're not giving themselves that self love. They can't meet someone where they haven't met themselves exactly if that work on themselves. So it's just easy to blame and get angry and triggered.
Yeah.
Just it really is not a nice place to live emotionally. And I can say that from experience because I lived there for so long. Yeah, and I come out the other side, like I just, I always say, And we learned to off Katie a coach that both Ki and I see ry now and again if we need like a good pick me up. She's a real like confidence booster, and she brings a lot of comedy and like laughter
into your therapy sessions. But when I was going through a really hard time the Trolls, many many years ago, I remember her saying, so I was once I learned about bignam mentality, repulsed it. So I would never like validate. I wouldn't swing the pendulum the other way. I would never validate myself. I would never like allow myself to feel like that because I didn't want to be a victim. I didn't want to go back there. Did so much work to be positive and to like get out of
that yucky phase in my head. But she was like, sometimes you are victimized, and sometimes you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself. You're allowed to validate your experience. So
I want you to have a little pity party. And each situation you can choose, is this a fifteen minute pity party where I'm just gonna sit in there, I'm gonna cry, I'm going to punch a pillow, I'm gonna like journal some words, go into my car and scream as that as I can like be a victim for a moment, have your pity party, and then decide when
you feel ready to move out of it. And sometimes depending on the situation, you know, if someone loses some of their family and they feel victimized too, you know they might take a lot longer. Like healing is not linear, but just try to have that goal of like, Okay, I'm allowing myself this time by BA this time next week, I'm choosing to see differently. I'm choosing to move through it.
I'm choosing to get support and help. Yeah, and that's key. Yeah, otherwise you can get really stuck there for a really long time and it's not going to feel good, na, not at all. It'll affect every area of your life. It'll all take the relationships that you attract, that you do and don't have, or maybe the relationships you'll lose because a lot of people don't like to be around a victim.
And training often it's really training.
Yeah, it'll all take your work, it'll take your productivity, and it's just your overall mood. Like you can't feel good and high vibration when you're sitting in that for a really long time.
Definitely not. And the last one, which I think we all definitely know is just severe self pity.
Yeah.
Yeah, So I was reading to Ashley out of my book this morning. Shall I read it on the potty?
That's so good.
It was really cool thinking about like positive negative thinking. And I think it goes really well with today's episode because we all, like we have kept saying we all need a pity party. But it's just like a really cool way of looking at it. Yeah.
While she was reading this out to me this morning, we were talking about just these days, it can be a fine line of toxic positivity. So this explains that really really well, and how to look at both negative thinking and positive thinking and how to allow both of them to coexist in your life, but really not to have attachments onto either.
So this is out of the book. You can be happy no matter what. I recommend this book something. I love it, guys. So there's a little share of the week as well. But it says the two aspects of thought. There are two aspects of thought that are very important to understand. First is the fact that we think that we have this human function, not what we think about, but recognizing that we are the thinkers who produce the
thoughts constantly going through our mind. The second aspect, the one that is usually discussed, is content, or what we are thinking about. There's a major difference between the two. Advocates of positive thinking suggest thinking positive thoughts as much as you can and avoid negative thinking altogether. While it's true that thinking positive thoughts will make us feel better than thinking negative ones, positive thinking is an erroneous concept.
Don't know what that word means, based on the assumption that thought in and of itself has a reality which we need to be concerned with.
But be it.
Positive or negative. Thought is only a function. When we understand thought for what it truly is, we see positive or negative thoughts for what they are. A positive thinker is constantly under pressure to produce only positive thoughts, which takes enormous effort and concentration, leaving little energy for new and creative thoughts. When negative thoughts do enter the mind, which they will, a positive thinker has to deny their
existence and override them with a positive one. People who understand the nature of thought don't have the pressure to produce any specific content to their thinking. They see thought for what it is, a function of consciousness, a voluntary ability that shapes our experience of life. Does this mean that people who understand that thought is a function will intentionally think negative thoughts? No, of course not. Neither doesn't
mean that negative thoughts will never enter their minds. They merely understand that negative thoughts in and of themselves have no power to hurt them To them, thoughts, whether positive or negative, are simply just thoughts, so good, so empowering. Hey, it really is just the way they worded all of that. I know, I loved it.
It's just allowing like when thoughts come in, not to attach yourself to them too much. If a negative one comes in, it's like, oh cool, like I thought, thanks for the intel.
Yeah cool, acknowledge it. Yeah, I don't want to hang on to this or do I want to let it go?
Yeah? Once again that's a choice. Yeah, so cool. I absolutely love that.
Also, we hope you guys enjoy it. Today's wacky Wednesday, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I think we should cut the wacky. Some episodes will be though but ye, this is a.
Wonderful, wonderful Wednesday. The words wondrous I don't know. All right, guys, Friday, see you Friday.
Bye. Eight