Apoday production.
We begin today by acknowledging the traditional custodians of the land on which we gather today and pay our respects to their elders past and present. We extend that respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people's here today.
Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm Ashy, I'm Kiara.
This is a podcast where we learn, laugh, and level up together. Let's go deep, let.
The emotions flow and find the lessons to grow and Glow. Nothing is off the table with Grow and Glow, and we're here to be your expander.
Hello, guys, welcome back to Grow and.
Today's episode is all about self validation, a very very important topic to talk about. Yes, so we're going to unpack today and also how I've been feeling around it lately and how I have not been validating myself humanize myself. But you've got a little funny star that you want to tell that I don't know yet.
Just a little story of us getting here.
As you guys know, every time we come to Brisbane, there's a little bit of a story behind it. So the last couple of times we've come up here, if you've followed along. There was stories of us having to find lockboxes, go to different convenience.
Stores, having homeless, having people.
Call me a effing salot because you're in pink back shorts. There's always a story behind it, and this time you were in the trenches. This, I think is when you literally we hit with gushtro So I was like, I'm not bothering at I was booking our hotel and this time we were like, we're not just going to go through booking dot com because every time we do end up having to go and find the keys and it's so difficult.
So I was like, I'm just going to go straight to the merritant like a hotel. And I had to look. It's like big, it's got heaps its space.
I was like, awesome, booked it all in, got all ready to go, and then I was like, crab, I don't have my card on me.
It's back at home.
So I was like, I'll just do want to get home, went back home, got it all again, the right dates, everything lined up, pushed book now and an email came through and I was like, oh, just double check the confirmation, like because I don't even know what came to me. No so it said it was for the next day. Oh, so yes, I booked the wrong day, but this lait. Then I rang up and I like talked to the
first person. I'm like, look, this is what's happened. There's no twenty four hour return policy, like cancel policy, and I'm like, look, I was just on your website.
The first person was like, well, like you know, talking me through.
I'm like, you can't do it because it's not within twenty four hours because it was for the next day and it was like late that after me that I looked it and I was like fuck, and like, is there anyone else that you can transfer me to? Yeah, transferred me over to another lady and she was like, oh, I'm so sorry. This happens all the time, and like what happens and she goes it just refreshes itself on
its own and changes to the next day. So if you go and get your card and you take like a middleor two, the dates changeover.
I know.
So then there was this whole thing. I had to like rebook it in and then call back and then cancel that one. Then she had to refund me that because she couldn't refund me because it's not in twenty four hours until I'd booked another day.
Always drama around there, always drama. So anyways, you didn't even know any of that happened.
Oh I didn't. Wow, thank you for booking and organizing that.
I was just like, so funny.
So now I feel like, because that happened, we're gonna get there and she's gonna be easy breezing.
Last time, amazing. It was like an hour and a half to get into our hotel. I know. It's like all this time we've just been hanging out, eating, doing content working. I know, Oh, have lots more time today.
Oh, we've made it all right.
Self validation What is that to you? Kiara?
It is validating everything I feel and treating myself as I would others. I feel like when things happen in life, whether it be like something hectic or even the sleep deprivation thing.
Even like when I.
Spoke to you yesterday, I was like, I feel bad telling you about this because you're going through your shit.
Like I feel like we get.
So guilty sometimes in being so great to validate the people around us that we love and have so much compassion for them, and we forget to have that same compassion.
For ourselves with these unreally stupidly high expectations for us to just be a robot honestly, Like, why, I remember you said that when I was in hospital, you were upset about something and You're like, oh my god, why am I talking to you about this? I was like, no, I'm here for all of it, just like you're here for all of my stuff. You're here for me being in hospital, You're here for my highs, my lows, my struggles, whatever, I'm here for yours as well. That's what like beautiful
relationships are built on. It's being vulnerable and sharing and connecting and holding space and being there for each other. But you're right, we don't validate ourselves. And I've even had so many moments lately and you pulled me up on it too, where I'm just not giving myself that full validation of the season I'm in and what I'm feeling is okay, natural, normal, and it will pass. But I just put this unrealistic expectation for myself to just
move through something really fast. And I said it in a previous episode, But it's like when people are asking lately how I am, Like I've expected myself to once I step out of that hospital that I'm more good. I'm out, I'm good and back with my family, like I know what's happening. I know I've got to get checked up. I know what I've got to do. But I still didn't feel okay. But I felt so guilty for not being okay, and it just made me think,
you know, there's that day, it's like the are you okay? Day? But so many people carry around whatever is going on for them internally and just let it sit there and bottle up because they're too embarrassed to actually just normalize that they don't feel good and they don't feel okay. But where did that come from? I know, to come from a society and a generation of like being told shush,
like stop crying over that. Yeah, be grateful, like you know all this stuff that we might have got said to growing up from parents or cagifers or people at school. But it's just so important to validate yourself. And it's so beautiful when the people around you can validate you. But it has to come from within. Otherwise you just carried around like a big bag of guilt and shame. And that is the lowest vibrational frequency that you can be on. And I've felt that and it's awful.
Yeah, And even like when you were talking to me yesterday and you're like, I've just cried so much this week, and I was.
Like, how good.
But like you're moving, you're moving.
All that motion, Because if you don't let it out and you don't feel the things you want to feel, it's got to come back to bite your us. Whether you're not getting sick or you have a day where you fucking have a panic attack, Like you're better off as you're feeling these things to just sit in it if you feel it important, give yourself grace, release it, give yourself time. Don't even put a time limit on how long it needs to take to get over something.
Cause like even with you, actually like you had so many things happening at once.
It wasn't just going to the hospital.
You also had kids that were sick when you got home, and then you had this happening, that happening, this happening, Like there was like ten different things. And you're like, I'm out of hospital now and frustrating myself because i feel like I'm still upset. And I was like, but there's so much catch up, Like, look at all the shit that happened right before you went to hospital, Like how stressed you were, That's what so much of it came from.
Yeah, it's just so nice. I feel like having people like you and Steve and my mom just to validate that. And that's why I always say the support you have around you're so important because they remind you just validate yourself. And it's so healing when you have people around you to validate it. Yeah, but we have to get better at doing it for ourselves and that is something I'm working on now, Like I've got to work on that more.
And I think so many people listening will relate to that. Yeah. Yeah, I think we all do.
I think I'm probably one of the harshest people that I am to anyone is like on myself, yes, because you think, like I can handle this, I should be able to handle that, you know, I'm like, even at work, you're the boss.
With your family, I'm the mom, I'm the this.
Like you feel like you always need to kind of have your shit together, Yes, but no one has their shit together all the time all the time.
So true. Yeah, even with your YouTube and you would like get stressed or worried about how many uploads you're doing in the time to edit, and I'm like, yeah, girl, I don't know how you do it. I've an uploaded YouTube in three months because I can't be it, Like, how are you doing five a week? But I'll have to validate you because you're like I should be able to keep up with this. I used to do this years ago. I'm like, you also only had one kid
years ago. Yeah, you also didn't have love Ellis Rose. You also didn't have a podcast. So true, you've got so many new things that you're doing. Of course it's going to feel a lot heavy than what it used to and you forget.
I feel like you forget and even going from like if I look at how and chaotic life can be sometimes and the nights can be and all that stuff, I think back and I'm like, am I comparing to when I had like one kid like Miller, because like now I have three?
Like when you think of.
All those things, yes, it's like we all just need to not be so hard on ourselves and just hold more space for whatever it is that we are feeling and whatever season we're in, and not hold shame and guilt around us.
Yes, even the sleep you were saying on the way up here, like it's even harder now than what it was for new one stage. Uh huh, the newborn stage, you expect it to be hard, but now that they're older, it's harder because you're not used to it and you have three children that are all getting up during the night. But you can't get frustrated with yourself that your brain's not firing, you're forgetting things, you're not as creative, because
of course you're not. You got three hours sleep last night.
That's it.
And they're scared, like they're scared, whereas when they're newborns they just want food, yeah, feed, or they got wind or something. But it's just kind of accepting and acknowledging like it's okay. And if we are in a season where we are feeling lower or we are feeling shit, like reminding us.
It's not going to last forever.
Yes, we're not going to be here, you know, we might still be here in a few months time, but hopefully we can move through it.
And I think it's really important for us as parents as well to practice this because the more that we can do this on ourselves, our kids and witness and watch that. Yeah, Like I don't want my kids to ever feel guilty or shameful or frustrated at themselves that they're still upset about something. Yeah, Like you don't have to get over something in a certain period of time, Like healing is not linear, Like you don't know how long it's going to take for you to feel better
about something. And I would say that to my children, like you can be upset for as long as you want, unless it's about spilt milk or something joking, but you know what I mean. Like, the more we can do that for ourselves, it shows those other people around us that they are okay to do that as well, and they've got that support. Yeah.
Yeah, and sometimes too, like just validating that if we are feeling really shit and we can't move through it on our own, you can just reach out for some support and some help to help guide you to get through and if you are wanting to yet obviously things are like months and months. Maybe that's where it's like going, Okay, maybe I need help with this, Maybe I need some sort of guidance, Maybe I need to take more time to really unpack what the fuck is going on?
And why am I feeling like this?
And sometimes it's hard to actually figure out what is coming up, so you just feel shit.
You're like, what the fuck?
And that's frustrating in itself, so frustrating, and that's where the girl can come in. It's like I've even had thought processes. I've caught it. But I'm like, well, you shouldn't be frustrated this, you shouldn't be stressed about this, Like how lucky you get to do this? And I start like being a bully. Yeah, I'm like, no, that's not what we do anymore.
Yeah, it's nice to be positive, and it's nice to look on the bright side.
It's toxic positive. That's it.
That's what I was about to say. But also we need to have a whole compassion for yourself.
Grateful and how are you twenty four seven? Like all emotions are just that they're not who you are, but there's something that you feel and that comes and goes, just like happy and joyful and excited, angry, frustrated and sad are also emotions that you're gonna feel.
So something as well that's like popped up for me the last couple of weeks where I've caught myself of being like too hard on myself is going to dancing because I've started going back and I've fucking loved it and I'm like, this is filling my cup, this is making me so happy, and I'm like doing it for me and as well, like you show up online you're like, yes, like I'm doing this, I'm going to dance class. And then I've just been fucking exhausted. I've been so tired
and I've had to ask myself. I'm like, no, you should go, you should go, And it's like should I go because I think it's going to make me feel good? Or am I trying to make myself go because I feel like now I need to because I've like committed to like even though it doesn't feel right now yea. And it was kind of like going, I'm getting frustrated at myself if I don't show up because I told myself I was going to do this. It was like
I'd made a commitment. But it's like, yes, but back then your kids were sleeping, this was happening right now. You don't have the capacity to stay up till ten o'clock at nine when you might only get a few hours sleep.
It's so wide after dance, not just the physical dance class, it's exhausting. It's like coming home you're like excited and on a high, and then looking back at your routine and your brain's on fire. All the lights, the music. It's so stimulating. I know.
But I had a moment too where I had this little chat back and forth in my head and it's like, why do you feel like it's so important to go?
How do you feel like fucking exhausted? Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
I also went to the gym like that day too, and I was like, just listen to what you feel right now. I know that you want to go and you want to be committed, but it's like you can just.
Go next week.
You're not training to be a professional dancer, that's okay, skip it.
But it's like you get frustrated for letting yourself down almost. It's like you want to commit to something, but then that's just the way life goes.
It's that high expectation that we have on ourselves.
Yeah.
I think being online, which not everyone can relate to, but I feel like there's that extra added pressure, yeah that people expect of you to show up a certain way, or you get scared of the backlash of talking about being sad about something or frustrated something or something not feeling good. And there's a lot of projections that come your way that then you have to That's still energy
that you're consuming and taking on being online. Yeah, it's an energy exchange when you're communicating with a bunch of strangers, whether that's hundreds thousands or tens of thousands, it's a lot to take on. So there's all that to navigate as well, because you could be validating yourself and then you know, fifty people swipe up and say something awful.
It's like, oh gosh, you raise your expectation, probably subconsciously for you because you like a they're telling me I should be doing this.
Especially if you're already feeling in a low vibe move when you're so sure of yourself, like it doesn't really shake you, but you're going through a hard time, You've got a bit of self doubt and you're navigating some new things like I am now I'm definitely a bit more sensitive. I'm not as sure of myself right now. I'm feeling a little bit lost a little bit stark. I'm trying to navigate a new way of being, a
new way of doing. It's like undoing having my foot in the pedal and running and showing up a certain way that doesn't feel good anymore. Now I'm getting to know myself in this new normal. So when you've got the outside noise, it's quite a lot. And I haven't been able to show up as much online because I've just got to be with me for now, you know, invalidate myself and my experience and not let the outside noise get to in my head because.
Maybe you question yourself more.
You know what you want, you know what you think. Then people start even things that you're like, oh shit, is that what I want?
Yeah?
But I think if you read too much what so many people.
It's like anything, if you listen to the news and the media and you're always scrolling on TikTok and really like it's information that your brain is consuming. When you stop and slow and you can be with your thoughts. And that's what I did in hospital. When I was in there, I just wanted to be with my thoughts. What's coming up for me? How am I feeling about all of this. What are my options?
Was?
When you're distracting and numbing out and listening and reading everything else, you can get so noisy.
And then you question things mm hmm, and you feel so out of tune with who you are.
Is ungrounding a word? So ungrounding to be on social ord would.
You call that? If you're not grounded, you're lifted.
Yeah, like it's regulated and disregulated. Yeah maybe. But when you just sit with yourself and you stop and you are slow, and you're tuned into yourself rather than tuned into your phone and other people, you can really get clarity on what's feeling good for you. So true, and take the time to validate yourself. You need time and space to do that. Yeah, you're busy distracting. You can't meet yourself where you need to be met.
That's so true. Like if things are coming up and you're being emotion you know you're not feeling like you like, that's another one thing to do.
Stop, stop slow, Yeah, fill your cut back up and just be with yourself and validate it and acknowledge it, have awareness around it all. And then you've got clarage to be like, Okay, what's my next move. Yeah, if you don't do that, you're just gonna be fucking floating around like a chicken with my head. Bad analogy, but you know what I mean? What is it running around like a headless chort kit? That's what I meant.
I saw this post.
On Instagram and I wanted to read it out. So it's from the page the brain Coach, So it says self validation. Sounds like I was right to stand up for myself. I did the best I could with what I knew at that time. I am proud of me for challenging my fears slashed outs. Today has been a difficult day for me. I can do hard things. It's okay to say no to something I really didn't want to do. I feel overworked and need to prioritize rest. I tried my best and that is enough. I'm feeling
upset right now. I feel misunderstood. That was a difficult conversation, but it was needed. Not everyone will like me, and that's okay.
Today was tough. What do I need to do to feel better? And that last one Today was tough? What do I need to do to feel better?
I feel like that's where it all kind of starts, like when you start to feel like there's days that are rolling on and it's like not feeling aligned, to not feeling aligned, not feeling aligned, it's like, okay, that.
I feel misunderstood is really validating in a conversation, because if you need to have a hard conversation or this conflict or disagreements whatever, how many times in your life have you been like, I'm fine, that's all good. Yep, no worries.
Oh yeah, no worries.
Yep, no worries. Like just go with what they say because you don't want to ruffle the feathers and upset anyone. But to actually look some of the eye and say, I actually feel really misunderstood by you, that's so validating. You're validating that I do not feel good in this moment, and let's chat about it. Yeah. Such a good example, isn't it. Yeah, even just today has been a difficult day for me, that's so validating just for yourself. Yeah, today sucked, it was hard. I did not do my
best today. But tomorrow's new day. You know, you don't have to sit there, but just to acknowledge it.
Yeah, it was a hard day, and I feel like too, like sometimes when you've got like shit going on and things happening, Like even yesterday, but we had a bit of a hectic afternoon with the kids, and you know, I was like rush trying to do like work and stuff like that, and Colonel'll having this conversation.
He's like, I need to make school lunches, blah blah blah. He had so much stuff going, and I was like, Babe, just order them tuck shop.
Yeah, just like, let go of it. So good, just order.
Sometimes you've just got to like, let go.
That's such a good select let.
Go of trying to do everything, because sometimes we just can't do it all.
Yeah, that's so true.
Hate we do that with uber It. Sometimes we're like we didn't pick up something to cook or whatever, and she's clinging and I'm wanting to cook, and we're like, no, we just.
Orders so much easier to take so much pressure off. Another thing, too, is like acknowledging our accomplishments. I feel like I'm getting better at this as I get.
Old, celebrating the winds.
Celebrating the winds like acknowledging yourself and taking moments of being like even at the end of me doing the daily vogging, like I should take a moment at the end and be like, God, yeah, okay, you did a girl. I set myself a challenge for thirty days that I wanted to do, and like even you when you do your challenges, just taking moment to validate and be like, yeah, I just did something hard and I'm proud of.
Me, so so good, Because how USh to we celebrate our best friends and our kids and our partners for everything. It's like, oh, I know, but to ourselves we kind of like just park.
A difference too.
Is like I feel like for my friends and my kids, I feel it, I feel it in my heart.
I feel so proud, I feel so happy for them, I feel so this.
I feel so that we need to just sometimes just take a moment for ourself and feel like feel it, like I'm proud.
Of you, I love you.
You've done an amazing job. Stay's been hard. Like yeah, feel those same feelings you feel for everyone else.
Yes, my myself. I've read something the other day and it was like we get scared to share that we're great because we're scared that we will get hate. Yeah, and I find that online, like I find it really inspiring when you know, influencers or just public profiles, just anyone. It's like celebrating that they's got a job promotion, they've bought this fancy in new car, or they're saved with
this handbag. I'm like, fuck yeah, But I would never if I was to buy a new handbag or getting new carda like, I think I would feel like I'm bragging or triggering other people, Like That's what would go through my head syndrome, Yeah, and get slammed, Like I would get scared to share that I've done great and earned this and worked hard of that because I know that I would get a lot of hate and backlash when I see other people doing I'm like, fuck, yeah,
it's interesting, Hey how we celebrate other people but not ourselves. And I'm super aware of it now, but yeah, it's just interesting.
It is interesting society. It's just the way our brains have been molded to conditions. But it's like just that old question why, like why shouldn't I be celebrating myself?
And the more that we are sure of who we are and our attentions and all of that. Like, as I said right now, I'm quite fragile, but normally when you are so sure of yourself that stuff like you wouldn't care what people say. Yeah, you know, but when you are feeling fragile and you're not super confident and you're listening to the outside noise, you get scared. Yeah.
Yeah, just fair enough to on my world.
Can be brutal, can't be rude.
And another thing too, I feel like if you've been brought up in a household where this hasn't been something that's been practiced, can feel really fucking uncomfortable.
Yeah. So true, you're really uncomfortable to actually be like, oh, I'm doing good. Like if you were not told you're good enough for like great job on that you should be proud of yourself, or oh you're having a hard day today, if you weren't shown that.
Were you're told you're brag I think a lot of us were told that we're bragging. You know, don't look like a bragger? Yeah, make other people feel crap. Yeah, but it's like, no, you should celebrate you. Yeah, there's a big shift in that now because we've got more awareness and knowledge around it. I love it. Yeah, Yeah, it's good for our kids.
It is good for our kids.
We're just breaking the cycles. That's it. Go ask oh thanks for joining us.
Yeah, we'll see you guys on Monday.
I can say Wednesday, but Monday.
Yeah bye.