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Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you. Hello, and welcome back to another episode of She Rises with your favorite co host Ashan Tiana Bestie Segment. We have another bestie advice segment for you today and a question. This one is a really tough one, so we're going to get straight into it.
Alrighty, let's do it. Hey, ladies, I love the pod and I would love your advice and thoughts on a situation that I'm in. My partner I've been together coming up ten years and we get married in a few weeks. We have two beautiful boys, age three and six. We both got pretty content with the two kids that we have. Then a few years back, we accidentally got pregnant. It was a huge shock and my partner really struggled with
the idea of having three kids. Whilst it was a shock at first, my heart opened and I was so excited to welcome another little human to our family. We find out we were having a little girl. Then tragically, at fourteen weeks, we lost her. Heartbroken, doesn't begin to describe how we felt, and once I recovered physically, I was left with this gaping hole in my heart and
I longed for another baby and I still do. My partner, however, does not, and no matter how much I try and negotiate it, at times, I beg he won't come around. This makes the pain worse because he can see how much I want it, but is still holding strong to not having another baby. If we didn't have kids and this was happening, I honestly don't know if we would stay together wow, but we do, and I'm not willing
to block up our family unit because of it. However, I resent him for not finding a way to make it work as I would do for him if the roles were reversed. How do I move forward and not let this heartache impact me and our relationship further? Firstly, so sorry for your loss, Like I can't even begin to imagine. It's just so sad, how common it is and how many women and husbands and families have to go through that, and it's just absolutely devastating. So my heart, I'm so sorry.
The grieving process of that. No one can even comprehend what that would feel like. No true, and it's a really lonely thing as well, you go through it alone with your love.
People about no. I see both sides here. I didn't think either is wrong. And I also when you say, like, if roles were reversed, you would make it happen, like you actually don't know that. You don't know how you would feel if roles were reversed. And I think it's so okay for your heart to design more children and
for you to want that. And I also think it's really okay that he doesn't want anymore, and he's really strong on that, and I respect him for voicing that, because if he was to just bow down and do what you want to have another kid, that resentment he might have builds up, and like, you don't want that on your shoulders either, and then with that impact your relationship later on, because he doesn't get as much time for you, he's more stretched, he's not as patient, he
earn more money to provide for the family, and it's like this whole extra load, which is really valid. Having children is a huge responsibility and it's a lot. And if he feels like he's at full capacity, he's at full capacity for telling you Yeah, he's being really honest and open about that, and I don't think it's something he should be forced or pressured into. If roles were reversed and he was pressuring you to do something, it wouldn't feel very good, you know.
Yeah, that's a lifelong resentment if he were to do something that he didn't want, and roles are reverse, same thing for you. If he wanted children and you didn't want to, but you did it for him, you would then resent him for that decision, And that's a lifelong commitment to resentment of which is a really hard thing, and I think it can be a really hard thing to come to terms with, especially the disappointment of not getting on, especially around bringing another child into the world.
But also one the fact that you guys have both been honest about where you're at is a really good sign in your relationship that you both can be honest, which means that it's a safe place. I think that's important. But I do think in reallyationships there is some level of compromise that would happen, and unfortunately, this is just one of those really sticky situations where you both are really strong on something and are struggling to find common ground with it.
I honestly wish I had to answer few on how to not make the ache so strong for you and the desire, But I don't have an answer for you. I think if I was in your situation, and remember this is like just advice that we would give each other if we would go through this. Whenever something isn't kind of going my way or I feel like there isn't an option, I have to surrender to that and let go of that outcome that I was desiring. I try and lean on gratitude. Yeah, I went through this situation.
It's different. But when I was trying to fall pregnant with Tala, it took us eleven months, and every single month that I got a negative pregnancy test, I was so heartbroken, so disappointed. But what got me through was one trusting the universe and it's timing too. Leaning on gratitude, I was like, I am so grateful I have a healthy little boy with me. Some families never get the opportunity to even have a baby. Some women are not
even falling pregnant. So the fact that I had one healthy baby, I was like, if this is meant for our family just to be a dynamic of three. I'm so grateful for that. Yeah, and it helped me let go of the pain and disappointment of not having another baby. So I don't know if that's helpful. I don't know if that is something that you can compromise on and accept and let go and just like lean on your
little boys and enjoy what you do have. I don't think it's the full solution or answer, But if Tiana was coming to me with this, and if I was going through what you were going through, that is what I would think I would lean on.
I think that's beautiful. That's a good way to like kind of have like a reframe. A reframe, Yeah, we have to do in life for sure times. The other thing that you can kind of look at within this dynamic is obviously there's a really strong pool to you wanting to have another child, and there's again nothing wrong with that, it's really beautiful. But what could be really cool for you to look at is what do you
think having a third child is going to give you? Like, is there a certain feeling, a certain experience, a certain sense of fulfillment that maybe you're seeking. Curious if that's maybe something that you are able to fulfill yourself temporarily, do you know what I mean?
Kids that I don't know. I don't think. I don't think so only because I've had that pull and desire when I decided I want another baby. Yeah, that's all I thought about it, that's all I wanted. Like, nothing could feel that voy because once you've had a baby, like, you just know that feeling. Yeah, because I feel for her on that, I get I can see where you're
coming from. But it's just such a different desire. Nothing fulfills that, and nothing makes your heart explode more than babies like yeah, own children, Like it's just the most beautiful. I can see why women go back for more and more.
Yeah, Okay, I guess because I haven't had that feeling before, I can't fully understand that. Yeah, I think I'm just thinking. Okay, well, if right now, temporarily there's nothing that you guys can kind of compromise on, how can you look within and go, okay, what is it that I'm seeking?
What am I wanting more of connection? More love or connection more love?
And I create that in my current life now and then go, okay, I still want that, and that's okay. That you want that, and then exploring what that might look like moving forward.
I also haven't had gender disappointment, but I've had a lot of girlfriends that have had gender disappointment when they've had multiple boys and they're wanting a girl. So I think that desire for a girl is so real for
a lot of girls. Yeah, Like I said, I can't relate personally, I actually wanted boys, but the friends that I've watched go through it, it was so real, like finding out they were having another boy, they were like devastated, And it's something a lot a lot of people talk about because so shamely should be grateful that, yeah, pregnantly healthy babyaby, yeah, and all that can be there, and you can still be disappointed, of course. And I know I've got such a beautiful relationship with my mum, so
I can see how that desires so real. So I think that would be playing on her too. I assume that's an assumption, but I'm assuming that's there as well. You feel like you're almost missing out on that experience of having a baby girl.
I think what would be cool is to get curious about is this really like a non negotiable for you? Like is it really something that you are so one hundred and ten percent set on that you were like, I am just not done, or is it a conversation of this is something I able to compromise on because when I love my family, I love the dynamic, I love my partner, I love all the things, and I would be happy with the life that we have right now. Where do you fall in that foo daily?
Because if it's a non negotiable, you do actually have the choice to leave and find someone.
That's right.
My children, that's right.
And that's why I'm saying that, because I think it's important to really figure out where you sit on the scale. Maybe right now it's like the lines of blurred, it's.
Not really blowing off the family unit. Yeah, I did say that when I used to speak to my friends. If this is coming into play the whole gender disappointment. When I wanted two boys, I had so many people be like, oh my gosh, don't you want a daughter to experience that? But all my friends had had daughters. Yeah, I was like, if it's to be the cool Auntie ken, I'm a missing out, Yes, Like I don't feel like I'm missing out at all. They would definitely come to me.
I could take them for the nail dates and turn up to their formal and be there for their boy advice and go on holidays. Like, I don't think I was going to miss out because I just found other ways to get that little girl fun in connection. Yeah, it's like you wanted what you wanted and that was perfect for you. Yeah. I don't know if that's helpful at all of my You might be listening being like I don't want nieces, I want my daughter, you know I get that, Yeah for sure, But yeah I wish
I had solutions. But that's the advice I would give. Yeah, but we're sending you so much love what you're going through. I think your heart's still grieving too.
Yeah.
I think over time maybe it might not feel as painful, But right now it sounds like you're in the thick of the grief and the frustration of wanting your desires and not being able to get it.
I think the biggest thing is giving yourself permission to feel the disappointment. Yeah, like really letting it in, really letting yourself grieve it, feel it, cry it out, get frustrated, scream in the car, hit the pillows all of it, Like let that energy out of your body, you know, because it is so important to you and you are going to feel that level of frustration, and better to feel through it than to, you know, continue stacking that against your partner because at the end of the day,
you guys are a team. Yeah, you know, it's not you verse him, it's you and him versus the problem. Yeah.
Another thing I would do to is get a relationship coach. Yeah, when Eversteve and I have gone through something where we're just struggling to meet either they didn't have to be a big blow up, just something where we're disagreeing or it's causing friction or we think it's going to cause resentment, and we just need like an outside perspective, having someone sit with you and be the mediator and help hear each other's point of views more clearly and maybe come
up with different avenues to go down or trial. Like, I think that would be super helpful if you guys are both open to it. It could be one session, or it could be going once a month for the next six months, just to explore to see how you can both heal your hearts and meet in the middle. Because it sounds like you're almost like separating from wanting different things.
I think that's a beautiful day.
Yeah, but sending lots of.
Love to you. Give us an update, let us know how you go, what you think of this, and any more contacts that you might have, or if there's any more conversations that you guys have had. We'd love to hear about it.
And you're also more than welcome to slide into our DMS as well. You can stay in onymous like anything that comes in, like a lot of our submissions we've done, like even the Herpies one. Yeah, the girl reached out and she was like, thank you so much for dissolving my shame. And it's really nice to hear from you guys. So if you ever want to reach out too, like it will stay in the vould be for you. We'd
love an update. And if you're listening and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm in the sticky situation, I would love their advice. We've got a link. It's in our Facebook forum. It's also in the description box below.
Click it.
We can't see who writes it out. Give us as much context as possible, and your sticky situation with the next episode.
Yeah, sounds good and well, hopefully we'll see you then.
Bye ladies, Bye,