The pressure to be perfect ❌ Trigger Warning - podcast episode cover

The pressure to be perfect ❌ Trigger Warning

Jun 02, 202438 minSeason 2Ep. 21
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Episode description

Are you currently feeling the pressure of trying to be perfect? Today’s episode is for you! 

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Transcript

Speaker 1

Apogie production.

Speaker 2

Trigger warning for today's episode. As we speak about body image and distorted eating. We begin today by acknowledging the traditional custodians of the land on which we gather today and pay our respects to their elders past and present. We extend that respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people's here today. Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm Ashy, I'm Kiara. This is a podcast where we learn, laugh, and level up together.

Speaker 1

Let's go deep, let.

Speaker 2

The emotions flow, and find the lessons to grow and Glow. Nothing is off the table with Grow and Glow, and we're here to be your expander.

Speaker 3

Hello, guys, Welcome back.

Speaker 1

Welcome back to Grow and Glow. This episode's all about motherhood.

Speaker 4

It's the triggering topics around getting your body back and toxic diet culture and just the pressure that motherhoods feel. But we're also going to go into like a little bit about relationships, how we felt around our different pregnancies and burths and like bounce back, I suppose, and just yeah, really get into the nitty gritty of it. Because this came through as a request, but it's something that I don't about you, but I get asked a lot about my social media week to eat as well.

Speaker 2

It's a lot of pressure on mums, definitely so much pressure and there's a lot to unpack around body image.

Speaker 4

So if you're a mum and you struggle with that, or you are pregnant, you're struggling with the changes.

Speaker 1

We're going to dive deep into it today and we've got a lot to say. So buckle in, tight, buckle.

Speaker 3

In tight, Go first is your share?

Speaker 1

The last share of the week is like kind of related to this.

Speaker 4

There's actually a stat that I read eighty nine percent of women will say no to activities because of what they look like and how much they dislike their body.

Speaker 3

Wow.

Speaker 4

So I just want to remind everyone that your weight and what you look like does not determine your worth. So stop letting it ruin. You have incredible moments and

memories with the people that you love. Because when I read this, I picture most mums at the side of a swimming pool and not jumping into that swimming with their kids because there's so embarrassed with their body, or they're not proud of their body, or they just dislike their body, but they're missing out on all those beautiful moments like Mummy.

Speaker 1

Come on the poor mummy, come on the beach. So true. It's so sad. Eighty nine percent of women.

Speaker 2

That's a high percentage rates and wow, really really sad.

Speaker 4

So I'm glad that I spoke about that now because I hope that all this information and our perspectives and learnings around this topic will really help. This episode is going to be amazing.

Speaker 1

Yay, what's your share of the week.

Speaker 2

My Share of the Week was actually recommended by one of you guys, so thank you so much.

Speaker 3

So on one of the.

Speaker 2

Podcast episodes, I recommended my Georgia Olmari see perfume.

Speaker 3

Oh yes, And I had a.

Speaker 2

Girl message me and she's like, I need to tell you about this website and I was like, oh, okay, so it's called error. I think that's how you say it, so it's a RR And she's like it has dupes of perfumes. But she was like they're incredible, and I was like, how do they last? Like are they actually that good? She's like, literally, the smells so similar. Put on last all day. I got the perfume. Thank you girl, thank you.

Speaker 3

So the Georgia.

Speaker 2

Omani one's like two hundred and selling dollars and these are like thirty dollars, thirty six bucks, And I was just like wow, and it's like the exactcent.

Speaker 1

There you go. Yes, I sell those, we do.

Speaker 4

We've got the black Opium. Why I sell one? We've got like quite a few now.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I don't have the sprays that we've got body Miss sprays.

Speaker 1

We've got perfumes. Now, you have perfumes as well as perfume juice.

Speaker 3

I don't own one perfume.

Speaker 1

I don't have one.

Speaker 4

Yeah, oh there you go. Yeah, so you know how we've got the black sugar like bodycaster. We've got the du perfume of the black opium.

Speaker 3

By waysell, I've never even smelled one or seen one.

Speaker 1

You love it?

Speaker 3

Well, I'm intrigued, Oh my god.

Speaker 4

Yes, play and a lot cheaper than normal perfume. And yeah, perfumes last a lot longer than body Miss sprays. Like the body Miss sprays I like for a little like after I've got gone to the gym or quickly dumping into the shops. But the perfume will last a lot longer. And yeah, we've only had them for a couple months now. But they have literally we've restocked them I think three

four times. They've flown off the shelves. Wow, Like I damn's a crazy one in the back, Like we can't keep up with the demand.

Speaker 2

That's crazy, because yeah, I've got the body Miss Spray, and I've used that I did not even know.

Speaker 4

Had an inquiry for like a massive Australian wholesale that wants to stock them as well. They're just they're really cooled them in a beautiful like black sleep bottle.

Speaker 3

There you go. You don't spend two hundred dollars. Guys out there, I feel.

Speaker 4

Like mixed about this whole Dukee culture thing. I think it's so cool, like awesome because not with the cost of living, not everyone can afford the high end makeup and the high end perfumes and the high end bags or whatever. But then I also have sometimes a little bit of guilt of like all the original creators and designers. But I just think in this day and age, like, yeah,

the cost of living is so expensive. You can spend two hundred dollars and a perfume or thirty dollars in a perfume, most of us will want to put the rest of that money towards food, yeah, and paying the bills. So I'm all for it.

Speaker 1

Yeah, love it all? Right, where do we start?

Speaker 4

The pressure to bounce back is a real I think social media has really contributed to this so much because a lot of people are not showing their body immediately after giving birth. Like I remember when I gave birth to Tagh and Steve said to me, come blacily, did not make this mistake again.

Speaker 1

He was like, oh, you still look pregnant.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 1

I was like, yes, I do.

Speaker 4

Every body's body is going to respond so differently to pregnancy. It depends so much on your genetics. It depends so much on what you were eating, your fitness level before, during, and after. It also depends on the type of birth that you had. It depends if you had ab separation, and then also your capacity and your energy post birth. If you have a really callicky baby, things are going

to be a lot harder. You're going to be a lot more sleep deprived, and you're probably not going to have as much energy as someone who has a super cruisy, chill baby to go on your walks every day. There's so many factors that you have to take into consideration. Before you put that pressure on yourself to bounce back. And yes, society has played a role in social media, but at the end of the day, like we get of the information that we take in, we get a choice of how we speak to our body and the

expectations we have on ourselves. So be super hyper aware of where we're putting the blame and just be kind to yourself.

Speaker 1

Like you've literally.

Speaker 4

Grown a baby for nine months, You've grown every organ, every bone, every ligament. Like it's expected for your body to change and it might not ever go back to being the same. That's something we do have to come acceptance in and I always say too with a body image, sometimes you might not love the body that you're in, but the in between is body acceptance and body appreciations. If you are hating what you physically look like right now,

totally valid. If it's new, it's unknown. But let's just take a step instead of leaping over to like, oh I love my body and saying these affirmations that you really don't believe, which is understandable, just come to body acceptance. This is where I'm at right now. I just gave birth to a baby, and body appreciation I just grew a baby. I'm feeding my child, Like, look what my body has done.

Speaker 1

That's incredible.

Speaker 4

Some of them don't get that privilege, don't get that honor to be able to carry a baby. So really trying to like shift your perspectives on the whole journey and experience.

Speaker 2

I'm going to call myself out here. I feel like I was a part.

Speaker 1

Of that body back culture.

Speaker 2

And it's because back in the days, especially when I first had Lincoln, I feel like there was a lot of other people having babies similar time, and I feel like I did put pressure on myself. I put so much pressure on myself post birth and I showed the highlight reels post birth with Lincoln. I feel like I really did show and my body did bounce back.

Speaker 3

Was it healthy though?

Speaker 2

I don't feel like it was healthy the way that I did things back then. I didn't eat. I feel like enough for trying to feed a new baby.

Speaker 1

Because you were worried about your body.

Speaker 2

I was worried about my body, and that's why you didn't eat as much. Well, I didn't not eat as much. I ate the same as I did beforehand, but I felt like I should have been eating more. I feel like I should have been eating.

Speaker 1

Not because of the pressure you felt of weight gain.

Speaker 3

I think it was so many different reasons.

Speaker 2

I think that it was because you had a new baby, and you're just like, and everything's happening, your breastfeeding, and you're seeing all the weight dropping. You're like, oh, this is nice. You're wanting to fit back into your fucking clothes. I'm like, I just want to wear a pair of shorts. I remember thinking to myself, like, I just want to be able to wear a pair of shorts. With Reagan,

I feel like I showed it all. I showed me with my stomach still being out here afterwards, and I told myself it's kind of like a little internal thing that I've never really shared before, but I told myself after especially Lincoln, because I feel like I really was a presence online at that time. And I reflect back on that, and I do feel shame around the way that I showed my body because I don't believe it was the healthiest way that I could have been doing things.

I feel like the way reflecting now that I did things with Reagan.

Speaker 3

I was really intuitive.

Speaker 2

I ate whatever I wanted to eat, I listened to my body. I had so much more pressure. I had three kids, were renovating the house, and I was so much happier.

Speaker 3

I was so much more content.

Speaker 2

My body took a lot longer to change, but I didn't give a fuck because I feel like between link and between Reagan, I gained that body acceptance and I knew, like I've done this twice before, I know I'll get her back one day.

Speaker 3

So I feel like there wasn't so much pressure.

Speaker 2

But I feel like, first time baby, you might agree your body does change fairly quickly. Second time baby, I feel like it takes a little bit longer to shift, and then third time I felt like it took longer again. But yeah, I feel like with Linky, I feel like I wasn't kind to myself and I feel like I was digesting the wrong people on mine. At the time, I feel like I was watching other people who were having children that were super lean, and they were doing

things I wasn't doing. They were working out really hard, they were doing this, they were doing that.

Speaker 1

But you're still comparing.

Speaker 3

Definitely, I was still comparing.

Speaker 2

Yeah, So I remember at that time really like watching them and being like, oh shit, well they're bouncing back like they're doing that, and they would actually even share meals that they ate and I would eat similar diet, but I was like, now, looking back, I'm like, I think I needed way more food. Yes, yeah, if you're breastfeeding, hat totally, but they were at the time too. So it does go to show how much of an impact it can have on your experience with the people that

you were following. So just such a nice reminder to follow people who are more aligned with even how your body is changing as well and a healthy way of living.

Speaker 4

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, there definitely is a lot of toxic diet culture. It is hard being a girl online. It's hard having that pressure and everyone's showing the highlight reel because then you do expect yourself to be that, and you want to be that. You know, you want to feel in shape, you want to feel confident, and it is hard to accept the changes. I remember feeling like that with taj. I've always had a very healthy, fit lifestyle, so my body did respond pretty well.

Speaker 1

But during out my pregnantc there, I remember there'd be media articles of like.

Speaker 4

She's starving herself because she's so skinny one week, and the next week it was like, oh, she's gained. So she's announced she's gained fifteen kilos like someone healthy for the baby, and the same thing happened post baby. It was like, you know, look at a disgusting, flabby tummy and then while she's taking diet pills to like lose the weight, and I'm like what it was just like so much pressure from the outside world. I was like, let me just do me. Yeah, Like I didn't put

pressure on myself to get back in shape. I really missed training so hard just for my mental health because I thoroughly enjoy going to the gym. I missed not being able to go as hard as what I used to, and I found that harder to take a step back. But I just remember being so freaking hungry and.

Speaker 1

I would eat so much. But I was just dropping.

Speaker 4

Weight like pretty quickly. I think because when you breastfeed two me in metabolism so much quicker. And because I trained for so many years and I trained up to thirty nine weeks pregnant with taj, I was lucky that I could. I think my body just turned through the energy. So I had a really good experience with that. And then it was a six and a half year gap between Taj and Tala, and yeah, I've just got so much love and respect for my body and appreciation for

what it does. So when I gave birth to Taala, I remember touched to that to me, how long does it take for you not to look pregnant? But I just giggled because I was like, I'm not sure, honey, I don't know how long it's going to take. And this is my second baby. But I wasn't even focused

on what I looked like. I was focused on, like, what's the best foods for me in my breast milk, what's going to help me nourish and heal from the inside, because even from the outside, if I look a certain way, like internally, your body goes through so much.

Speaker 1

And I really switched my focus to be like, yeah, what's actually important? What do I value?

Speaker 4

And that's health, and that's energy, and that's being around for my kids. So that was my more focus, and naturally, the body just followed. Definitely took way longer second time round, Yeah, for sure. So I'm guessing third time because your body it's separated again, it's like it's a lot more healing, it's a lot it's quite traumatic for your body to go through. Like, yes, it's beautiful, but it's a lot

for your body to go through. But yeah, I just want to really chat about today and remind you that you just can't compare your body to someone else's, even like you know, my body to yours. I'm very tall, I have a long torso, so like we look just completely different. Your fitness background is completely different to my finness background. Your pregnancy, you were bleeding all the time, you had no energy to rest. Here I am in the gym lifting, you know, just as what I was prior.

So my body coped really well and functioned really well, and then it took longer. With Tala, I definitely didn't get as much sleep. I didn't have as much energy as my first pregnancy. It's just all so different. So next time you compare yourself to this big influencer that's you know, bounced back a day later, just like, know that your journey looks different and that's okay.

Speaker 1

I bet it all as well.

Speaker 4

With Tala, I showed like days after five days after wearing the big knack easy.

Speaker 1

And I want to show like, yes, I still look pregnant.

Speaker 4

Yeah, look how soft and squishy is and even now, like when I stand, it's fine, but when I sit down, like my stomach is so wrinkly, like from the skin being so stretched. And they say after after thirty you lose elasticity. Yeah, Like, when I sit down it looks like I'm trying to think of what it looks like.

It's just so crinkled and wrinkling, and I don't think they will ever go away, and that I definitely was a bit confronted with when I first remember first sitting down and seeing I was like, oh, because when your stand and you can't tell. And at first I was like, oh, oh shit, Okay, I don't love that, But I had that internal conversation You're like, you don't have to love it, but you can accept it and you can appreciate that it brought you a little girl. And I take one look at her, I'm.

Speaker 1

Like, she was worth it.

Speaker 4

I would do that ten times over to have these wrinkles. Definitely, it's just like changing the perception, changing your mindset, and focusing on what you can control. Also, it's quite dangerous if you go right hard into smashing and bashing your body again before you've been checked internally by a physio, Like what if you have ab separation or your public flaws not strong, You're putting all this pressure on yourself to go and exercise and go hard again, and then

you do damage that's done for life. Yeah, Or you go on a diet but you're breastfeeding, you need at least five hundred calories more than what you normally would if you won't breastfeeding. You need to eat enough. You need a lot of carbohydrates, You need so many healthy fats to produce beautiful breast milk. This isn't the time

or the season to be going on a diet. That time will come later on if you want to do that, But right now, it's about nurturing your baby, nurturing your body, and mentally getting in a really good space where you have a healthy relationship with your food that you're eating, your body and your mindset. Yeah, that's like the foundation for everything everything else will flow and follow.

Speaker 2

Yeah, and even before how you said like you can't compare to other people one hundred percent, but also like you can't compare with yourself. Like actually will often hear me say, like when we're talking about sizes and stuff and like, I don't look how I did three years ago.

Speaker 3

I don't.

Speaker 2

I was so tiny and so thin. Even after having Lincoln, I was in a completely different mindset. Now I just eat what I want, Whereas back then, I feel like I was restrictive. I wanted to look a certain way and I wanted to look a specific way. Now I embrace my curves. I love having a bum. I love feeling more And like Kurt as well. He's like my biggest cheerleader. He just always tells me so many positive

affirmations about my body. Because I will try on clothes now from when I had Lincoln, maybe five years ago, and I'm.

Speaker 3

Like, they don't fit the same.

Speaker 2

And it can be triggering at times, even sometimes with active weight with Ashy, Yeah, like I will get size of that and I'm like, oh, I used to always be small, and I'm like these are digging in.

Speaker 3

I don't feel confident and.

Speaker 4

Just you eve and flow like sometimes you need to go back to a smalltimes I send you're an extra small like it's that's it. Yeah, it changes your hate yourself in those moments you're just like, oh, can you send me a meetum like or not?

Speaker 3

Now one hundred percent.

Speaker 2

But yeah, I feel like for a really long time I held so much worth.

Speaker 1

In the way that I looked definitely.

Speaker 2

In my appearance and having fucking abs pretty well showing.

Speaker 3

But I'll just stick thin.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I feel so much healthier now, Like, I feel so much better.

Speaker 4

And you know what that glows? Like the least interesting thing about you is your abs. I don't know what, No, you know what's so sexy? People think you are sexy when you're lean and got abs and you've got no body fat and like toned and perky, but with no say like, no, what's sexy is confidence. Yeah, it's you being your authentic self. It's you honoring yourself.

Speaker 1

It's you having.

Speaker 4

This bright, healthy glow that has come from looking after your body and speaking kindly to yourself. You can see within someone if they love themselves and as if you ever look at someone's abs, right, Like, I don't ever look at someone and think that makes them less worthy or less nice or less cool.

Speaker 3

Not now.

Speaker 2

But I feel like back in the day, I used to be like, oh, like gosh, like.

Speaker 4

You could admire it, but I didn't. You wouldn't think that makes them more worthy? No, not now yeah, yeah, no.

Speaker 2

Way, it's the least part about you. No, I'm so much happier and so much more confident, Isn't that crazy? I feel like I had like literal like abs back in the day and I was secure, so insecure me too, And now I'm like, yeah, I feel like so healthy. I feel like I feed my body, like I'm fueling it, like I give it way more nutritional food as well, Like back in the day it was like veggie might wraps, and like now I'm like veggies and meats and like

all the good stuff. But yeah, it's just the relationship with my body is definitely evolved and changed over the years, and it's okay to be in those seasons, but it's acknowledging it and being like, okay, how can I shift from being there to now getting to that point of acceptance as well?

Speaker 4

And you know what too, Like it's also okay Like back in the day, I was very focused on my health and fitness, and I had a Bikini Body Challenge and I had an ab app and ad programs and for that season, I really loved it. Yeah, Like there's nothing wrong in a healthy way to be focusing on your health and fitness and to pushing your bodies to the limits and to see how far you can go and what it feels like.

Speaker 1

But it works until it doesn't work.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 1

It feels good until it doesn't feel good. Yeah.

Speaker 4

And I tell you what, Like my whole mindset shifted after I had tarj of Like it does not matter what it looks like anymore. It matters how I feel about my body, and it matters to appreciate what it's done. And since then, like even now, like training for me, it's not I don't go to the gym to get a perky ass, Like, yes, that's amazing. If it happens, it's.

Speaker 1

A good result. Yeah, go there.

Speaker 4

But it's literally for my mental health because it helps me feel good. When I feel good, I shine bright. When I shine bright, I can help more people.

Speaker 1

And that's my.

Speaker 4

Purpose here is to help other women feel amazing. So I have to leave with example, and that comes so natural for me now and I'm the same me and you, Like we eat what we want whenever we want, we enjoy it. It's like soul food going out for dinners and connection, Like there's so much more to life than calories and macros. Food is a source of nourishment. It's also a source of enjoyment and connection and memories. Like you literally see me light up when I talk about it.

I'm like, oh, isn't it so funny that like now as well? And I feel more confident myself and everything. I go to the gym more than I have for a long time.

Speaker 1

I love yourself.

Speaker 3

That's why I know I do. I love myself so much.

Speaker 4

Yeah, it's great, so good, that's why. But when you love your and respect your body, you want to do what's good for it, which is a nice healthy balance of going to him for a couple of weeks. It's going just for walks on your cycle, like it's honoring your body. That's respect for yourself.

Speaker 3

So true.

Speaker 1

It's so freaking cool.

Speaker 4

But yeah, I don't want anyone listening to this spoon if you're in that season where you're you know, at the moment, thought makes his partners doing bodybuilding, and it's really cool to see the amount of discipline he has to go through that and how hard he's worked and you know, tracing back since he's fifteen.

Speaker 1

He showed me photos of.

Speaker 4

Him like admiring Arnold, like he's always loved the sport. Like you're in a season right now where you're loving having to sit back and you're working really hard and that's awesome too. But this topic was more.

Speaker 2

Around the bums as well. For me personally, it was more about like the time and place. It's not like two weeks later, like yeah, I want to get back in those genes.

Speaker 4

It's like, give yourself grace girl, the bounce back pressure online and like always, like you said, like be really mindful of who you're following and what they're posting. If it's not aligning and it's not feeling good for you, don't judge them. That might feel really good for them. Yeah, what feels good for you, and you have that choice. I really dislike when people blame other accounts for where

they're at. That's your trigger, that's your work. But it's like, oh, they influenced me to buy this or do this or eat this. It's like, no, they didn't. They shared their life and what's feel good for them. You made a decision that that's what you want to try. It's so much blame on other people and other mums and it's like no, no, no, this is our work. No one else's responsibility for where we're at and how we feel except for us, and taking radical responsibility is so important out.

That's a really important point as well, is after you have a baby to get checked and not just externally because they can check your ab separation externally by like feeling around your tummy and check your pelvic floor strength, but finding a woman's viseo that will check you internally as well and actually see how long you can hold your pee for and see if there's any internal damage or tearing or whatever, because then they will be able to say what's safe and not safe for you exercise wise,

and what you can do to help strengthen that, because if you don't do that and you jump straight into going back to hip classes, you could do damage to your powervic floor that's really hard to correct. I took it so slow with Tyler intentionally, yeah, so slow, Like I remember for my first walk, I literally went for

like ten minutes around the block. And I wanted to go so slow because I knew for me, a healthy act of living lifestyle is something I want to have with the rest of my life, not just quickly to get back in shape. No, and if I don't take it slow and don't let everything heal. That's what I'm risking.

Speaker 2

But isn't it nice not having pressure to you, like being in your mum, Like the only thing you need to focus on is you and the baby.

Speaker 1

Skin to skin. Yeah, yeah, love flowing.

Speaker 2

Just even your hormones and that they're so out of balance and just connecting with yourself, connecting with your baby.

Speaker 4

And yeah, the hormones, that's a good point, Like they're trying to rebalance out. So if you go and add intense stress and pressure around exercise and food and like expectations and I've got to get back in shape, like, that's not going to help your hormones rebalance either. It is a time to go within that fourth train mester. Like back in the day, like women didn't even get

out of bed. They had the community and their village and their family come in and grab the baby and take the baby while you slept and produce more milk. Because if you're not resting in your stress, you're not producing enough milk. So the whole family and tribe are bringing up this baby with the mum, but their fourth train mester, like in the Chinese and Japanese culture, they literally stay in bed for twelve weeks. Everyone around them is doing absolutely everything for them so that their body

can fully heal. And I think that's so beautiful. Yeah, and it's not what we have in today's society, and it's not what a lot of us can do or can afford to do. But wherever you can slow down and just enjoy that time.

Speaker 3

Definitely, it grows by so quick.

Speaker 1

Oh my gosh, so fast, doesn't it.

Speaker 4

While we're on the topic of motherhood, I thought we could also tap into some other topics that.

Speaker 1

I feel arise.

Speaker 4

And I feel like something that's really prominent on social media is which I'm all for here celebrating the dads. But don't you feel like dads are celebrated and like praised when they look after the kids, and like comments that I hear from other women, especially when I go away for work or just like a chip away.

Speaker 1

You're so lucky Steve has the kids. Oh is he babysitting?

Speaker 4

It's like, no, they're his children as well a dad. But when moms have to do it all the time, they don't get praised, they don't get this gold star. But where has that dynamic like came from I think it's old traditional gender roles of like men going to work, women's staying. But these days, I think it's really cool that it's not fifty to fifty anymore. I think we're all doing too much because of the cost of living,

which is really sad for a lot of women. I had a friend that gave birth recently, and she's like, I'm pretty sure I have to go back to work at four months because we can't afford for me not to. And that's absolutely like breaking her because she's like, I would love at least the whole first year with my baby, but it's not fifty to fifty anymore. Like dads are stepping in and helping so much more. And sometimes it's eighty twenty, sometimes it's seventy thirty. And this is a

dance that Steve and I always talk about. It's like we check in. Sometimes I'll come home and I'm like, Babe, I'm at like a ten today, I'm ready to tap out, and he's like, cool, I've got this, Like I'm full of beans today. I can cook the dinner like you go around the couch and vice versa. And I think it's really nice and relationships can do that, dance together and support each other.

Speaker 1

Through their ebbs and flows.

Speaker 2

Yeah, and I think too, we should celebrate everyone. Yeah, I think like, yeah, we should celebrate them men and be like, well do but also we need to give that same celebration to women and be.

Speaker 3

Like, how's you're killing it? You're doing amazing.

Speaker 2

Look at how much you're juggling. Look we've donete my gosh, you cooked dinner, holy like put on you.

Speaker 4

Hard is to cook dinner with a koala toddler bear in your It's so hard. You're worried about Bernie and they won't get down there. If you put them down to stif something, they scream.

Speaker 1

It's hard.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 2

Yeah, But just celebrating everyone and we're all doing the best we can, and I feel like we all need to be acknowledged more for all the.

Speaker 3

Things that we're doing. It's amazing.

Speaker 1

Everyone is amazing.

Speaker 4

So another thing that I wanted to chat on quickly, and I think we've slightly covered it maybe in our mum Q and A one which we did a couple of weeks ago, which if you are a mum, go listen to that was a really good episode. It's just the comparison around kids, this is really prominent. I get dams all the time, like, oh, even the other day it was like, oh my gosh, I have a daughter the same age as Tala. I could see she's using utensils like mother girl won't grab them like you know

when to Tala start. And I was like, chill, it's so fine if your daughter's not using utensils, like they all grow and develop at different rates. It doesn't matter at the speed of that. And I'm so glad I've never fallen into that pressure because for Taj, there was like five of us that had kids around the same time,

and he was the last to do everything. He was like the last to talk, the last to walk, the last to use utensils, the last week potty trained, last to not wear nappies, the last give up his bottles. And I did not care one bit because I just was like, I'm going to do what's right for him. I don't want there being any negative experience around these transitions. Whenever he feels ready, I'll lean into that. And it was just such a smooth, nice process. He told me

when he wanted to give up bottles. Literally, I remember the day no more bot a big boy, and from then on he never had it. When sucking his thumb, it was like literally overnight, he's never sucked as some since when he was ready, Like toilet training took us a couple of days.

Speaker 1

Because he was ready. Yeah.

Speaker 4

So just because you see someone online getting babies out of their cots at fifteen months into a big bed, like, if that feels right for them, cool, But if your kid stays in a cot till three, that's also cool.

Speaker 1

Like stop comparing. It doesn't have to look or be a certain way.

Speaker 2

Yeah, And every single one of our kids has been so different, Like I feel like Miller and Lincoln were both specifically Miller took a long time to learn to swim, yeah, without a vest confidently and now like she's an amazing swimmer. And then Reagan she was like swimming like two like fish, like a fish. And then toilet training, Miller was incredible, she was like not even too and fully toilet trained. And then Reagan like she has struggled, Like she's been

the one that's been a bit later. So it just changes each time. But I feel like personally, for myself, I definitely did go through times of comparison. I went through times of especially other kids around me, I'm like, oh shit, like their kids sitting, mine's not sitting yet. I did have that self talk of being like, am I not doing enough? Like it was more on myself, not on the child. It's more, Yeah, it was more like, am I not doing this enough? But I'm not doing

that enough? Like you know, is it because of this? Is it because of that? So there was definitely a lot of self blame. Yeah, And then after obviously having a second kid, it's like no, because then this one's done that after like before everyone else, and then that one's done this, so you start to know is very individual for every single child. But definitely first time becoming a mum, I did. I remember being like, oh shit, am I not doing this right? Am I not capable

of like giving her everything? And that's something like I speak about a lot with her cleft. Even when I foundut my pregnancy she was going to have one, I'm like, can I be the mum to give her everything that she needs? And now like hell yeah, But at the time the doubt. I remember the doubt. I was like can I do that?

Speaker 1

And it's so capable?

Speaker 4

Yeah, yeah, you were such a young mum too, like I probably was exposed to other mums maybe not putting pressure on their kids as well.

Speaker 3

Yeah, and I had no friends that had kids or anything.

Speaker 2

Ye.

Speaker 4

Yeah, so it's very easy to get like influenced by outside noise. Yeah, and can care and just not be so sure of yourself, I suppose. Yeah, But that's just something I wanted to bring up because even then they like nappies. If they are still in nappies at three or four or whatever, when they get to ten, no one cares what age your kid was in nappies. It's like breastfeeding.

Speaker 1

You don't look at an adult and be like, oh she was breastfed, Oh my god, it must have been a bottlefeed, Like, you don't know. You don't care now. It doesn't define your worth or how smart you are or anything like that.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 4

You just do the best that you can and know that you're doing the best that you can. And every kid's so different. It's so cool that you can always talk about how different it has been because you've had three kids.

Speaker 3

It's so different every experience.

Speaker 2

And I look at myself with Miller, and I hold so much compassion for myself.

Speaker 3

I feel like I was just felt like I just wasn't capable.

Speaker 2

And then I like, look with Reagan and I was like I was so sure of myself.

Speaker 4

So nice.

Speaker 1

Yeah, that progression and growth.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I think you just learned that everyone half knows what they're doing, but half doesn't. I think you think everyone knows everything and they're like doing it perfectly, and then you're like everyone's just kind of half guessing.

Speaker 3

Try that doesn't like gate, let's just try this.

Speaker 4

Or even as mums, we have strength and confidence in different areas of motherhood. Yes, you know, something I'm really really good at, you might feel a bit more like, oh I'm not sure and other things. You know, even sleep training, like I feel like me and you're pretty confident that whereas I've had friends and it's just.

Speaker 1

Like, oh, like I don't know what to do, Like help me.

Speaker 4

Everyone's got strengths And like say with Taj and I was like everything pure everything mash like I was so nervous and scared and now flip side, I'm like Tyler has literally everything that we eat more confident.

Speaker 3

So confidence grows.

Speaker 4

Yeah, it really does. With experience, with knowledge, with confidence within yourself, with trusting as well, just trusting and backing yourself and trusting and backing your partner. Yeah, I remember, Oh, I remember with Taj I was so snappy at Steve, even though like obviously I didn't know what I was doing either, but I felt like he could do no right, like everything he did, like most men are definitely slower at like changing nap, you're getting them dressed.

Speaker 1

I would just get so frustrated.

Speaker 4

And it's been so different with Tyler, hence why we've had such a beautiful experience with her. But I remember just being like, oh, I'll just do it and take over, or like, oh, you're not cooking it right, we haven't mashed it enough, and like literally boss and tell him what to do. And I look back, I'm like, who do you think you are?

Speaker 1

Like that poor man?

Speaker 4

And no wonder he kind of like lost confidence, yeah, or even step back and didn't want to help as much, because it's like when every time I can fucking try and help, you're down my throat. So I now we're looking back, I'm like, no wonder you pull back and didn't be as hands on as what I would have liked you to been, because every time you tried it was down your throat. So it was so cool to go through that experience. We've obviously talked a lot about

it coming into Tala. It was just like I just let him do whatever he wants, so we talk about what we feel is good. But I would never correct him on how he dresses her or how long he takes to do a nappy or anything like that. Like he's the best he can. The kids are alive, they're happy, they're smiling. Cool, you know, just take that pressure off to do things a certain way or be perfect with everything.

Speaker 1

Yeah, yucky.

Speaker 3

We were actually quite lucky.

Speaker 2

I feel like in the way now reflecting back with Miller, we didn't have a choice. It was teamwork from day off. So when I was pumping k was changing her nappy, and then when I was pumping the other boob or doing this, he was feeding on the bottle because we had to do the expressing. So it was kind of like nice in that way now, because I was always like, oh I was so this or so that.

Speaker 3

Now I'm like, oh no, I.

Speaker 2

Can see this silver I can see why that was naturally like from watching him so confident.

Speaker 1

Yeah, and he's had this dad.

Speaker 4

That showed him the way and like showed him how to be amazing dad. So I think it was more natural for Kurt to even just stand. It's for a lot of dads, like they haven't been showing that he had really hard upbringings.

Speaker 1

I've had dads that.

Speaker 4

Have told them to be quiet and like not express emotions and you know, really put into a corner.

Speaker 2

Yeah, so I've told ashes, but I've never said on the podcast, but like growing up, Kurt's dad was just so hands on, Like he literally got up in the night and did.

Speaker 3

All the feeds so Depp could sleep.

Speaker 1

And you can literally see it. And now him as the grandpa amazing, it's still just his hands off.

Speaker 3

He's amazing.

Speaker 1

He's so good. But yeah, that's yeah, you can see where Kak.

Speaker 3

Gets it from.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it's incredible.

Speaker 3

Yeah, so cool, good role model.

Speaker 4

Yeah, Okay, something else that I saw in the forum that I thought was really really interesting, and it was just I can't remember the exact comment, but it was basically a post about how tired and shit she feels. But it was almost like worded in a way that like that's just what moms have to feel. It was like really normalized and I got a little bit like upset by that because I was like, no, it does

not have to feel like that. But if she's making that her truth, that's going to be her truth, that's going to be her reality.

Speaker 1

Like we get to create her own reality.

Speaker 4

And yes, there's times where it's exhausting and it's really hard and really overwhelming, but it should not be the norm or expected for moms to just always feel like shit for the rest of their lives now that they've become a mom.

Speaker 3

No way.

Speaker 2

But I guess it's really situational, you know, like with Kurt, like working six days a week, having Miller trying to pump bottle feed clean and being at home with her, Like fuck, that first year of her life was pretty fucking exhausting for sure, And I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. So I can kind

of relate in a way and see, you know. But then again, it's always in hindsight, like you work through it and you're like, oh my gosh, Like they do grow up, they do learn to do things for themselves, they do learn to you know, And I'm.

Speaker 4

Sure in that I feel like you're the type of person even through that you would have still found joy in your days and enjoy with your kids and enjoy with your partner. But this comment was kind of normalizing that we just always feel shit. No, And it's like, even if you're exhausted and tied, there's still joyful moments, you know, with your baby.

Speaker 3

I think the secret is slowing down, yeah, yeah, being more present.

Speaker 4

I think it's mindset too. I think like you get to decide how you view something.

Speaker 1

Yeah, Like you.

Speaker 4

Could view this as the shittest, hardest fucking day, like and like really use that language and energy behind it. Or you could be like, today is really tough, but I'm gonna go on the sunshine and I'm gonna do this, or like I know this is gonna last for ever and I'm so grateful to have this baby in my arms.

Speaker 1

I've dreamt of having a daylight this.

Speaker 4

You know, so many other mums would die to be in my position, and like the different energies behind that. And it's not to say that you can't talk about having a hard day.

Speaker 1

We all do it.

Speaker 4

But I just don't want mothers to think, even if you're pregnant right now, for that to scare you if someone reads them and goes, oh my gosh, what it's going to feel shit for the rest of my life because these mum's on here been like, Yeah, that's just the way it is.

Speaker 1

It doesn't have to be like that forever.

Speaker 4

Yeah, you can have a hard day, but it's not a hard life. You can have a rough patch, not a rough life. There'll be ebbs and flows throughout it. But if you can try to practice finding the silver lining and finding those joyful moments, even if they're split seconds where your baby like gazes at you, you know, find those moments through it, it will make life a lot more enjoyable. And that is a choice.

Speaker 2

Yeah, and even seeing how you can change things up, you know, are you needing extra rest? Are you trying to rest where you can? Is there anyone that you can lean on? Are you being too afraid to reach out for help? Like if there's someone that you can be like, hey, I feel like if you're at that point and you feel like that, like, is there anything that you can do rather than being like this is accepting and like this is how it has to be.

Speaker 3

What can I do to get out of this?

Speaker 4

You know, definitely, and a lot of moms I think really struggle to reach out help because guilt and also like I don't want to leave my baby with anyone else, and like there's lots to unpack behind all of that as well.

Speaker 2

But even if someone comes and clean your house, like even if they're not watching the baby, like just to help out it cooked dinner, dropped, dinner over like holy, like those are things I just help life changing.

Speaker 4

Yes, and leaning on your friends with other babies as well, like doing things together, Like even if it's like going around to your friends coming around and you're both cooking dinner together together that night, maybe that experience that normally feels hard and annoying, make it joyful. Pop music on together, get in the kitchen together, like put the kids down for a nap together, make it fun. Like there's different ways that we can find joy.

Speaker 2

Even getting out for a walk with a baby, Oh my gosh, so good, like change it to get out yeah the sunshine.

Speaker 1

Yeah so yeah.

Speaker 4

The person who wrote that, I hope you're listening, and I hope any other mums who read that and got scared. It doesn't have to be your reality. You can change the narrative by changing the way you look at things and see things.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I'm reading a book at the moment, the one that I shared to you the other day, almost shared my stories.

Speaker 3

Other day and actually as happy one. Yeah, it's like you can be happy no matter what.

Speaker 4

To get that.

Speaker 2

It's all about mindset, so exactly what you're saying. And basically we are the thinker of every thought, and every thought we think creates a feeling, but only we have control over what we think. So it's been consciously aware and rewiring your brain to be able to be happier and in a happier state of mind.

Speaker 4

So what you think becomes what you feel, and then those feelings become an action. Yeah, in your physical body, in your reality. It's like this triple connection. That's it so cool. Yeah, oh, thanks so much for joining us. Guys, really hope this was insightful and helpful. And we know motherhood can be scary and daunting, especially first time around.

Speaker 3

Yeah, definitely can.

Speaker 4

Watching your body change and your life change and losing your freedom and adapting to being fully responsible for this little human and the different challenges you go through and the different like dynamics in your relationship, it's a lot.

Speaker 3

It is a lot.

Speaker 1

Really is a lot. But you've got this. Believe in yourself.

Speaker 4

Slow down, take some time to just like breathe, communicate well, reach out for support, know that you're not alone, and take care of you.

Speaker 1

PS.

Speaker 2

Can we not normalize confusing someone's free time with their availability?

Speaker 1

Oh my gosh, I love that. I read that the other day too, So good, so good. PS. The magic you are looking for is in the work that you're avoiding. Yeah, I love that one.

Speaker 3

I'm that one too.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 4

The spark, the outcome, the goal, whatever it is, it's right in front of you, but you've got to do the work to get there. Yeah, anything worthwhile, it never comes easy. Yeah, thank you, Thanks, thanks for joining us.

Speaker 1

Share it around. If you know another mum or pregnant friend that you think we'll get a lot out of.

Speaker 4

This episode, click that little follow button so you don't miss any of our future episodes. We upload every Monday, every Wednesday, and then we have a little Psycho bree recap short version of a previous episode like Highlight almost on a Friday. So when your ears three times a week now, which is really really cool.

Speaker 3

We'll see you guys next time.

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