Apodjay Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.
This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
Get ready for your next level of self.
Hello everybody, Welcome back to Monday morning with you on your way to work on your morning walk. Welcome back. I've got a big episode for you. Today's episode it's all about playing the blame game, which we're all guilty of. We've all done it, we all see people do it. But before we get into it, your Share of the week.
My Share of the Week is actually led them by mel Robin.
The book.
Yes, I got it on audiobook the other week and I was cleaning up my wardrobe and I was.
Listening to it.
It's just a really easy read and sometimes it's just that little bit of permission to just like let go of whatever it is you're holding on to you.
Yes, it's so good, isn't it. I'm only telling what its in but it's so good.
I would really recommend it's it's the light read. It's easy, you don't have to think too much. You can do it while you're doing other tasks around the house if you like, or going for a walk. And yeah, just if you feel like you're holding onto something and you need a little bit of permission, listen.
To it if you're really worried what everyone else is saying or like thinking of you or doing. It's like, okay, just let them that's right, let them think that, let them make you the villain, let them say that about you, let them judge you, let them criticize them, Like, let them that's on them. You just got to live your life. That's like the whole book in a nutshell. But just the way she explains it, the different example she gives, it's so good, isn't it.
Yeah.
My Share of the week is an Instagram page called moon Memes. Oh okay, do you not follow it? No?
Ah?
So good. Steve and I are constantly like sending each other our horoscopes. It's like daily horoscopes, monthly ones. Ah, yeah, the new moons and what's happening. And I just every time I read it, it's so bang on. Yeah, with how feeling or if like we're feeling a bit lost, little spear of mind, like you might be in a really hard stage right now, like you're going to come out of it. And yeah, the way they word it, it's always exactly what I need to read at the
right time. Moon memes, Moon means like two point three million followers. Wow. Yeah, I've been following them for probably ten years. All right, I'm going to go follow them. You'll love it and then it'll be like Steve will send me something. Libra and Sagittarians are great together because da da da like matches the star signs. Just yeah, different moons or what's happening in the world. It's really cool. Fairy love astrology. Yes down, all right, today, let's get
into blaming. Yeah, so maybe you're the problem. If I definitely am the problem, I'm like also same, I have been the problem. We are all the problems. That's that song. It's me how the problem with Sunny's with the sunniest peace. I've all been there. We play the blame game, and we blame everyone else and everything else and don't take any responsibility. And let me tell you all it does
is hold you back. Yeah, it really does. And yes, things happen in your life, but you're also responsible with how you respond to it and what you do next. You can blame whoever for only so long and it just doesn't help you progress forward. It's not productive. Yeah, it's so interesting.
I feel like there's a huge difference between blaming and acknowledging inexperience.
So true, that's a good way to put it.
But I think sometimes we get caught up with blaming being acknowledging the experience, do you know what I mean? Like it's like there's a blurred line between that and it's really interesting, Like, yes, things happen. Sometimes life feels unfair. Sometimes life is really uncomfortable, and there are things that happen that we wish absolutely did not happen because we don't want to experience it. But blaming other people for your circumstances is a sure fire way to feel like
the biggest victim in your life. And I can only say it because I've done it so many times, guilty of it, and it just gets you nowhere. And you know, the funny thing is, even when you think you are not blaming, you are likely still blaming, Like.
We catch ourselves all the time, all the.
Time because you think, but I'm taking a responsibility, I'm taking responsibilit how did I part out?
But then behind closed doors, you're like, why the fuck is this still happening?
Yes, you know, that's when you know that you're blaming something else outside of you. And when you learn to take responsibility for something shit that's happened, It doesn't mean that you're taking responsibility for how they showed up. Yes, you're taking responsibility for how you contributed to getting yourself in that situation or how you contributed to that certain scenario.
Like there have been so many times in my life where I have blamed an ex partner for making me anxious, you know, my business for not doing as well as I wanted it to when I first started, and blaming everyone else, like it's everyone else's fault, not me because I wasn't showing up the way that I needed to, Blaming somebody else for my relationship with money, you know, being like, oh, but it's hard to make money, or it's the government or fucking.
Tax, or.
It's the cost of living, not my you know, unhealthy spending habit with money because I was emotionally spending.
Or lack of effort, then you could be doing X Y to bring more money in it.
Yes, or I was buying designer bags when I should have been saving. What do you mean it's somebody else's fault. Yeah, I've got a really good example. And I probably have told this before in the podcast, so apologies if anyone who has listened to it, but I know there's always new listeners.
And I don't know if you've heard this story. Probably have. But my biggest story of the blame game I did for so many years a lot of you know, I had a quite abusive stepfather who was not very nice to me. Told me I was dumb, I was worthless, I'd never make anything of myself, no one would ever love me. That I could just fall off the face of the earth and no one would even noticed. It really made me feel so worthless, and I was so unhappy, so depressed. I hated life, and I just blamed it
all on him. If I had a better father, I could make something of myself. Yeah, if I had a more supportive dad, I would have done so much better. If I had a dad show me the way and teach me different things. I'd be able to make more money. If I had a dad that showed me how it was to be loved, I could love myself more. Yeah. If only he did x y Z, I could be x y Z. Yeah. But because of him, I'm going to always suffer. Yeah, you're always going to miss out,
and I'm so unlucky. Everyone else has it easier than me, or everyone else has a nice dad, life's going to be so much easy. You've always got that like masculine person to fall back on and it can just hold you, you know, And I never had that, so my life shit literally, Yeah, I would honestly always think that, And every time I didn't get a job or something didn't go to plant, it's like, oh, well, he's right, he could me dumb. It's obviously true. You know, How am
I supposed to believe anything else when he's told me that. Yeah, of course that's the truth. He must know me better than I know myself. He's like brought me up, and all I did was hold me back, and then it told me back so much that I believed everything he said still blamed him, So I was just angry all the time that I wouldn't even take opportunities. I wouldn't risk things because I already knew the answer. Yeah, he told me I'm dumb. Yes, and it's his fault because
he told me all of that. So I wouldn't take opportunities, I wouldn't try new things. I would just continue to play the victim, tell this story over and over again about how unfortunate my life was, and then yeah, one day I've got the fuck over that, when actually it doesn't have to be like that. And yes, he could have done all of those things to me, for sure, not gonna disvalidate my experience as a little girl and as a teenager and a grown woman. But I can
actually change how this story ends. I can change how I show up. Yeah, I can take responsibility and go, well, he might have said I'm dumb, doesn't mean I can't choose a different career or try something new or give it a go, or learn. Am I actually done where I'm not interested? I'm actually done more as someone not actually taught me the way that I understand. Maybe there's
a different way to do things. And it was very, very hard to push through that, and honestly, it still pops up when you just get really hard or I'm faced with something new that story pokes is rearhead and s like you're too down. But I really had to
push through that. The moment I took radical responsibility of my life, my choices and who I am and what I'm doing, my life changed the better, and so many doors opened up, and I got to work through the fears of trying new things and woking on my self worth, knowing that I deserved more then I could have more if I chose to. He's not going to give it to me. No, as long as I'm playing victim, Yeah,
I'm not going to give it to me. No magic fairy or night enchining armor is going to come and rescue you and sweep me off my feet and make everything better. I have to do it. Yeah, nothing changes. Of nothing changes. If I was to continue blaming him for the rest of my life, how angry I was as a teenager and in my early twenties at thirty six years old, now I would still be feeling like that. So glad I decided to take responsibility and change my
own life. Like you're in control, and especially things that happen when we're a kid, right, It gets to a point where like, you have full control of your life now. Absolutely, you get to choose how you work through this, how you heal it, how would support you get. They're not driving the ship anymore.
Yeah.
As a kid, they kind of do control what you do, hang with, what you eat, where you go, what you're allowed to do. The little sponges, you're absorbing everything. But as an adult, you're free. Now you get to take control and make a change.
And I did, And if you hadn't, you would have a very different Oh.
I would not be sitting here talking to you. Yeah, I'd be in a job that I hate, probably in a relationship that I hate, or not in a relationship because I wasn't worthy of one. Yeah, he told me, you know, and that I wasn't lovable, So why would anyone want to be with me? You know?
Yeah? And so valid for the younger version of you to feel like victimized by that situation because it did happen to you.
Yeah, you know.
It's like again, like not dismissing your experience or your feelings and emotions in that moment because it was true for you and that's how it made you feel and left your feeling after him saying all of those terrible things to you. It's the because he did this now I don't get to it's cool.
Yeah, yeah, the moment you take radical responsibility, your life will change. So it's cool to check in, like, who are you blaming right now? Even if you're in an unhappy relationship. I'm sure they play their role, you both do this entertango, But where are you projecting all the blame? Is it all his fault or her fault or is there maybe a part that you're playing. How are you speaking to him, what effort are you putting in? Where
have you tried something different? Where have you suggested something like it's not all that one person for sure?
And that definitely showed up for me in my relationship. So my first relationship that I had, we were really really young, like really silly and just naive and all the things, and I found out that he was cheating on me throughout the relationship, like multiple times, so over like a span of a year and a half. But I didn't find out until after we had broken up,
so I didn't know. And I remember after that the relationships that I got into, I remember blaming him for the way that I showed up in relationships after that, because I used to think, well, it's his fault that I have trust issues. It's his fault that I don't trust men. It's his fault that I think that all men are going to do the same thing. But the reality of it is that's absolutely not the case. It was my responsibility to choose how I showed up in
those relationships after the fact. But in the moment, I was like, well, that person is making me anxious. They're making me feel this way. Their behavior is the reason why I'm questioning what they're doing. And there probably could have been truth to that, right, there's truth to everything. However, I didn't take responsible at the time for the fact that I was the one who was feeling anxious. I
had trust issues come up for me. I was assuming the worst case scenario about what they were doing, and so it left me feeling so disempowered in my relationships because I was constantly blaming my partner for the way that I felt based on wounds that I had previously had. So not only did I blame my ex for like giving me trust issues, I blamed my current partners for evoking that feeling in me, and I just felt like such a victim in my relationships, and I was like,
this is fucking terrible. I don't want to feel like this. But it was only the moment that I actually started to acknowledge that anxiousness and the fear of trusting people and the fear of putting my faith in people, was I able to start learning how I could internally soothe
that feeling regardless of what had happened in the past. Yeah, Like I could have so taken that story and still to this day been like, every single man that I meet is going to cheat on me, every single man is going to want someone better, like all the things. And don't get me wrong, I am a human. I have insecurities, I'm jealous as fuck, right, I naturally have this territorial energy about me when it comes to the
people that I love. But it also doesn't mean that I have to blame everyone else for what comes up for me.
I love that so much.
That was the most empowering thing that I ever did for relationships, was like, just take responsibility for what had happened, the fact that it had happened, and what I get to choose to do with how I feel moving forward.
I'd love to see you guys listening. Also, I feel like you went from blaming to taking over responsibility. Yeah, won't talk about it now because it's a whole conversation, but please let us know in our DMS or in the Facebook forum if you would like a conversation around that, because there's been a few times where I've kind of picked you up on that. I'm like, this is not all your fault. Yeah, like they have played their role
as well. You don't have to own all of that, own your part and things that have come up for you, but they've also played their role for sure. It's like not blaming all the other person, but also not overtake responsibility a fear of them leaving. Yeah, it's like understanding both have their experience, both have their truth, and to be able to navigate that together as the ultimate goal because I.
Think when you go from sometimes a victim to responsibility, you go the opposite end. Yeah, and I definitely do do that. So yeah, that'd be a really cool conversation, So.
Let us know if you'd like that.
Cool. I think the biggest thing around when you're in this phase of wanting to take ownership for your life is being able to look at all of the things that actually give you the biggest dick in your life. So the things that feel the most uncomfortable, the things that you really don't enjoy, the things that you were the most frustrated about. It's going directly to those things and going, Okay, where am I actually not taking responsibility
for this experience? And again, you don't have to like blame yourself, However, you do have to take responsibility for knowing that for some way, shape or form, you have contributed to getting yourself in this situation and contributing to this happening and entertaining it now in your life. So the question is where are you not taking responsibility? How can you take more responsibility? And who are you blaming?
I love that. I think taking responsibility is shameful. Sometimes you feel shameful sometimes because you're admitting you're at fault. Yeah, And if you've hurt someone else or you've contributed to the relationship breaking down or the business not going well or whatever has happened, that's hard. It is really it's hard to be like, hey, I fucked up there, like
I fully own that. And it's hard depending on who you're doing it with too, because some people would be like, it's all good, we all do it, comeing out, we're in this together, and I'll be like, yeah, you fucked up, like you ruin this opportunity for me, or yeah you we're in the marriage, or you know, it can be really scary thing to confront and to really own yourself and then bring that forward in the dynamic city you're in.
Oh yeah, you'd feel embarrassed sometimes, I think for sure, like I know I have when I've fucked up and done the wrong thing and you're taking responsibility.
And the emotion, like you said, it can be quite a shameful experience. It's like sometimes you might feel shameful. Sometimes you might feel guilty, yeah, for doing something, and that I think people really struggle to sit with those really heavy, dense emotions because it just is terrible to feel.
It feels so much easier to blame point the finger, doesn't it.
Oh absolutely absolutely, because then it's like, yeah, it does take when you're venting to a friend, oh, well she did this or he did this, it's like just so much easier to just put it all on them their problem to fix.
I don't have to do anything. Yeah, good, I'm amazing.
And also it can be uncomfortable when you admit fault as well by being seen as the villain and somebody else. Yeah, because we're so concerned about what everybody thinks of us that we don't ever want to jeopardize someone seeing us and thinking badly of us. So the narrative for the most part is if I fuck up, then this person might judge me, might think less of me, might not be my friend any leave me?
Yeah me wound? Hello, yeah hello hello?
Yeah? So true.
So yeah, just think about who you're blaming others for blaming circumstances, lifestyle, relationships, with money, your current roles. Just say to your marriage, the friendships you have like this going to happen in any situation in your life, and just like, really be honest with yourself is who you're blaming and where it's getting you, because it's probably not getting you anywhere but causing more pain and disconnection for you and the other people involved in the dynamic. Yeah.
And a beautiful question to ask yourself, if you want to take it one step deeper, is to ask yourself, how am I benefiting by blaming somebody else. So think about what you get to relieve yourself of by blaming
somebody else, Like, what's the thing that you're actually avoiding? Yes, if you can look at that and you can sit with that without judgment, without shaming yourself, without making yourself the villain or the bad guy, you will be able to actually control it and be able to overcome it, and you'll be free in your own.
Life, being free. So nice, beautiful. Yeah, thanks for joining us, guys, Yeah, thank you for joining us.
And this is just a really cool self reflective kind of episode of if you want to overcome something in your life and you're feeling like you're struggling or you're feeling a bit stafagnant and stuck and in that real ikey energy, listen to this episode again, play it back, write in your phone notes any notes that pop up around what you might not be taking responsibility for, and trust me, within a couple of weeks you'll likely find the answer to the problem you're in.
One the flame game gets you nowhere. That's no shame because we all do it. Boom boom, thanks for joining us. We'll see the next episode. Bye bye,