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Growing Glows Twelve Days of Christmas.
Hello everybody, welcome back to Growing Glow.
Yet another twelve days of Christmas, and today is very sexy. I'm talking to a sexologist, which I know so many of you have requested and asked for so long, and we have the beautiful Kiki coming on today.
So welcome to the show.
Thank you, thank you for having me. Happy to be here.
I'd love for you to just tell us a little bit about who you are and the kind of work that you do, and maybe more specifically who you do work with as well.
Yeah, so I am as you mentioned as sexologists. I just realized it's coming up to my businesses ten a year birthday next year.
So I've been well in the fool. Yeah, I've been in the field for.
A while now and the thing that I guess lights me up the most is.
Getting people to feel comfortable and confident in their bodies, in.
Their desires, in communicating what their desires are, and just yeah, showing up authentically in their sexuality.
However, the thing that takes up most of my.
Time at the moment is my school. I teach people to become Semitic sex coaches. And therapeutic. You're only massage practitioners, so I have a bunch of students at any one time, and that's where most of my focus goes. But I still love one on one sessions. I love doing retreats and workshops and yeah, that's just a little bit about me.
I love talking about it.
I love normalizing sexuality and having these conversations that are a little bit tricky for us in a sex negative society.
Oh my gosh, I didn't realize how much you did. That's so freaking cool. And like a retreat, what happens at a retreat based around this.
There will be some embodiment practices, getting people to feel comfortable in their bodies, regulating their nervous system, getting them to feel nice and safe. We might do things like drawing our volva, or orgasmic breath work, or nudio yoga or a yoni casting, or the possibilities that endless. It really depends on what's lighting me up in the moment and what people are wanting to explore and experience.
So beautiful.
I actually had a yoni massage, my first one booked in but I'm on blood thinness because I had brain surgery this year, and I was drue for my period, so I've had to postpone it. But I've recently just been learning about it, and it's just seems so incredible how healing it can be for women to have a beautiful YEARNI massage.
That's really cool that that's a part of the work you do as well.
Yeah, it's I think one of the most like potent somatic experiences that people can have in reclaiming their body and really understanding what their yes is, what their nose are and honoring that and yeah, also massaging out tension, pain, numbness, and mapping out where their own unique pleasure profile is. So it is like, yeah, such an incredibly like direct sort of streamline and really quick way to move through a lot of blockages around sexuality.
So freaking cool.
Now, when I came to you, I was like, there's so much we can talk about, but you gave me a list of things that we could cover, and one of them was desire types. So I know nothing about this, and I'm guessing a lot of my listeners don't either, So what is desire types?
Yeah, I mean this is probably the reason I sort of reached out with this topic is because it isn't so well known. However, it is a game changer when we start to understand what desire types are. So the two different types that we speak about are responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is sort of, you know, in the name, it's spontaneously you feel the desire for sex, which is the precursor to our sexual experiences, is actually
wanting to do it, you know. And it's something that was really ignored for a really long time in the field of sexuality, but in recent years it's become more apparent that it's a really important part of our sexuality. And some really lucky people they have spontaneous desire, or they experience more spontaneous desire than a responsive desire, meaning that kind of at the drop of the hat, out of nowhere, they're just down for it whenever, wherever, a
lot of the time. Whereas, on the other hand, we have responsive desire, which means a person needs to have some kind of context or experience or feeling to respond to to actually feel desire for sex.
And when we look.
At statistics, predominantly female bodied people have responsive desire, and
predominantly male bodied people have spontaneous desire. That's not the case all the time for everybody, or it's not always the same for everybody throughout their entire sexual experience and history and life, but that's kind of what we see and when we see sexuality demonstrated in pornography or on movies, it's very much the go to is the spontaneous desire, that there's this just kind of like cool, yeah, we're ready, let's go for it. I feel like having sex just
because you do. Whereas that's just not always the case a lot of the time, especially for female bodied people. Then needs to be some kind of feeling, emotion, touch, context, yeah, connection something. Maybe it might be massage, it might be bacticles, it might be a.
Really clean room.
It might be that there's some kind of erotica playing or some kind of initiation of erotic intimacy to be able to respond to it and feel like, oh, actually, I feel like.
Doing that now.
However, in the beginning of the relationship, usually speaking, because where it's so loved up on neurochemicals, neurotransmitters, and hormones, we are more likely to have spontaneous desire because our sexual inhibitors are less sensitive, and so that's where we can see it change from the beginning the honeymoon phase
slowly changed throughout the sexual cycle. However, a lot of people, also male and female body people do tend to have more responsive desire as they go through the long term relationship.
But our societal sort of messaging does sort of impact that.
In that male bodied people are expected to always want to have sex, so that can sort of influence the way that they show up in their sexuality.
So it's a little bit nuanced.
There are different aspects there, but that's kind of the idea, and the science behind desire types.
Makes so much sense. And as you're explaining this, I'm like, I got a little bit jealous of those people that are the spontaneous one. I would love to be that just be like down for whenever. And I do have some girlfriends that I feel like are down for it whatever, but most of my female friends it, Yeah, it takes a lot of for play. There's got to be a lot of connection, there would be a lot of safety.
The kids got to be.
In bed, there's got to be a clean house, the mental loads off, like it's this quite a big list really, yeah, exactly, Yeah.
I'm the same grows. My husband has spontaneous to I. So whenever wherever it's on the cards.
You just walk past and he's like, yep, ready, Oh that's so funny. And there's desire discrepancy, So what is that.
Yes, that's a really good segue.
So for my partner and I, we have desire discrepancy, probably because I have responsive desire and my partner has spontaneous desire. There's that discrepancy there that my partner would like to have sex multiple times a day if possible,
whereas for me it's not so often. So we see in couples there might be one person that would like to have sex, you know, three, four times a week or every day, and then there are other people that are happy to have sex one to two times a month, and so there's a huge discrepancy there, which can cause a lot of issues in a relationship when it comes to sexuality, a lot of feelings of being rejected, not feeling like there is intimacy or even the safety to
explore non penetrative intimacy, if you know, it feels like, oh if I make out with my partner, then they're just going to want to have sex, so I may as well just not make out with them.
So it's not talked.
About, and there isn't a plan in the mix for everybody to feel happy and safe to have intimacy and connection, whatever that will look like for each individual couple. Then it tends to sort of get swept under the rug and these issues start to really evolve and really dominate in the relationship and bring on issues that wouldn't necessarily be there without the communication piece.
Yeah, you can see how if someone is wanting it three four times a day or like a week or whatever and they're not getting that, how they would feel rejected.
We'd talk about male to female.
If the female was more responsive, she doesn't then want to Sorry, I'm gonna swear, but like pityfuck them all the time, because then that wouldn't feel good for her or for him. So how do couples like, how do you help? I'm sure you have couples come and say this exact situation. My husband wants it all the time. I want it once a week. We're arguing. There's resentment and it's just causing this, like you.
Know, friction.
I suppose how do you help them, I suppose compromise or meet in the middle, like help, what do couples do if they're in that situation?
There oftentimes needs to be a huge unlearning of what sex actually is, because at the end of the day, pleasure is some thing we all enjoy where a pleasure driven species. And so if the sex that's been put on the table isn't something that's just solely focused on pleasure for both individuals, then the person where it isn't pleasurable for if they have sort of just grinned and bed it, tolerated, sort of you know, faked things to get through it, then they are not going to want
to have it. And so what we do is we take penetrative sex off the table for a little bit, we put a little pause on it, and we explore what pleasure filled intimacy can look like for this couple and what that looks like for them individually and what that looks like for them together, and how they can come to a place of actually both being excited about the intimacy.
It's a huge unlearning.
Because sex does equal penetration, sex does equal orgasm in so many different people's cognition of their belief around what sexuality is and so deconstructing that can take a lot of time, but it's one of the best things that
we do. And then what we find is people can start to realize, oh, actually, of course somewhere to want to like be intimate with you if it means you're going to do this to me, or if it means that I can just do this, or if it means I can watch you being like this, you know, And so having those conversations getting really vulnerable about what their
needs are. Scheduling in sexy sessions together is also really important because for the person who has a lower desire for whatever reason, you know, that sexuality it's kind of like on a spectrum from super highly sexual to asexual, and people can sit anywhere on that and it can change throughout their lifetime, throughout different experiences, throughout pregnancy, postpardon, grief, having a lost one, health issues, hormonal issues, menopause, you know,
all of these things really contribute to our sexuality and our desire for sex. And so regardless of where somebody is on that spectrum, if they aren't wanting to have sex as much as their partner, then scheduling in a time it feels right for that couple to explore together is one of the best ways for them to make
sure they're actually having their needs met. Otherwise, the person who isn't feeling it as much isn't going to think about it as much as the other partner, and then it just sort of gets forgotten, and the other partner doesn't want to feel as that they're pushing or having any expectations, or that their touch isn't being misread. So it's really nice to sort of sit down and have
a schedule. I think some people can shy away from it because they think, oh, no, like that sounds very clinical and like there's something wrong with us and it's
not spontaneous and it's not fine anymore. But the thing is when we have sort of like a container to work within, then it allows so much freedom because it's like, okay, cool, I know that at this time and this day, like we're going to just have fun together and whatever that's going to look like versus there's not going to be that asking for it at the wrong time, or it takes away a lot of the guesswork. When we have these open communication dynamics between couples.
I absolutely love that I've spoken about on the podcast before, about scheduled sex, and there was a lot of pushback of people saying that, like, oh, it takes the fun out of it, Like, you know, I feel like it shouldn't be like that. But I think as parents too, like I've got two children, and yes, when we were younger and we had more time and no kids around,
we could do it whenever, whenever. But now it's like on the weekends when our little girl naps, like we have a whole two hours we can just be together, connect, chat, be intimate, not being a rush, not worried that someone's gonna come in, like it's just our time, and it doesn't feel less enjoyable because I know that's when we do it.
I actually really look forward to it.
Whereas if we didn't lock in that time, then I don't know if we ever would, because you know, we are tired and we are busy and life gets in the way. So I'm totally all for that. I love the unexpected ones when they happen and we both happened to be in the mood and it's exciting and we feel like little kid, you know, young again.
But I think booking it in is really beautiful.
As well, exactly. And that's the thing.
When you do book it in and make it a priority, you're probably going to be having more yummy sex that you'll want. Those moments are going to be more likely because it's kind of like a muscle that you're using, and so just sort of dying in the ohs and not being bored in practice, and that intimacy isn't cultivated, then you know it's something there, it's fresh, it's present, and so it's kind of like yum, like last.
Night was so good, Like what more of that?
Yeah, exactly exactly, And you're right, like, we live in such a fast paced society now, it's so much focus on productivity, So why would we just expect that this is going to happen when everything else is scheduled in.
We're not fifteen sixteen, however old eighteen anymore. We're not you know, carefree just having like some many of us aren't living that lifestyle where we could just have sex whenever and feel like we're ready for it going essentially asking ourselves to go from one hundred to zero instantly.
That's just not a reality.
And so yeah, this sooner we can kind of get on board that what's actually happening as adults in our sexuality the better.
So good.
Something's just come up for me that I think I've seen a lot in I'm in a forum, it's all women. There's a lot in there. And when this kind of situation comes up with their partners wanting more sex, a lot of men are going to porn to get their needs fulfilled and to get off and whatever, and then the partner's upset and jealous, and then he's like, well, you're not giving it to me, and then this year the pity fox.
Him and it's just yucky.
Watch your thoughts on porn in general, because from what I've read, it creates like a false sense of reality to a woman's experience or what it should be. And the men expect then their partner to be how the porn stars are, and it's not really like that, right.
It is not like that they are actors. I am super passionate about this topic. I love that it is something that's being talked about more and more now. I think that porn can be done in a way that is a healthy, safe, ethical contribution to somebody's sexuality. It doesn't always have to be something that's negative and poo pooed. I just think that the ease of it means that there are a lot of people creating unhealthy habits with pawn.
So if the pawn, for example, is the female based pawn company and it's created for the female gaze, then there is going to be foot play, there are going to be angles that are realistic and sounds that you'd actually hear, and it's not going to be performative. And then if somebody is wanting to explore their pleasure with pawn, then doing it in a way that isn't like just sitting in front of a computer and having a real
quick jerk and getting it over and done with. Because we've seen that this has contributed towards rapid ejaculation, which then really impacts a relationship as well when they're having
sex with a real person or a rectile disappointment. So there can be some sexual dysfunction that can come from overusing or misusing porn, whereas if somebody is just you know, there's some erotica on TV and they're standing up and they're like moving their body and they're really getting into that there breathing and they're edging and they're feeling themselves and they are, so you know, just not fastwarding to the sexy bit and clicking between different people and creating
very much and not real experience. Then I think it can be done in an ethical way, and it's super sexy to create porn with each other and for each other as well. I know for people who do feel
that jealousy, which is totally valid. Some people don't, some people do, And for the people who do, I recommend like making some yummies, sensual content, doing some self portraiture, getting some laingderie, getting into your feels, and like gifting that to your partner so that, yeah, you don't have to show up all of the time in that erotic space if you're feeling less desireing and you're not feeling you when have sex as often, but then you know,
having something for the partner to be able to use in that regard.
I love what you said about how something's on the screen and there's four play and they're feeling their bodies and they're breeding. I feel like it's different. But I love a good sexy romance novel because I feel like you get that big build up. Yeah, like playing in your head and then your picture with your partner, and that to me is like massive foreplay. My husband's always like, I know you're reading a good book right now, like yes, come here.
Exactly.
And that's what's missing in porn. And that's what most male body people are learning.
From a really young age that suddenly there's this woman they're ready for you gagging for.
It's so excited immediately gagging.
That's just not the fucking reality. It's literally, no.
High, it's not.
And so of course they're going to feel rejected if they're like, well, why is she gagging for this guy on the porno? But for me, she's just like ah no, rub my back, like.
Yeah, oh my gosh. It's such a good way to put it.
I feel like everyone listening is going to be like, yes, thank you, I've got one more question that I feel like, once again, I see in forums. I talk to a lot of women in my DMS. Obviously no sex ologists, but I feel like I'm a safe place if people ask me a lot of questions, and I feel like so many women are struggling with low libido and I'm assuming stresses. Massive contributor to that, But what advice would you have for women who feel like they just have
no libido or low libido. They look at their partner they want to do it, but they're just like they just don't want to.
Yeah, and you know, I just, first and foremost want to normalize it.
Sexuality is fed to us as if it's something we need to survive, just like food and water and touch, whereas it.
Really is, it's a leisurely activity we get.
To enjoy in the way that we want to enjoy it. It's not something we need to survive. And so I feel like people feel like they're broken or there's something wrong with them. However, we do live in a society that doesn't support female wooded people, and the work that we do, as much as it should, doesn't support our
cyclic nature. You know, we do a nine to five, five day a week work week, which is going straight throughout periods, going straight through the pre menstrual phase, and you know, this linear way of living doesn't support our bodies and our hormones. And it makes sense that so many people aren't feeling that desire that maybe they did when they were younger and they didn't have as many issues.
Day to day life.
So what I like to talk about in this situation is looking at libido as desire and then creating something that you do desire. Libido can kind of feel like this enigmatic, really.
Like tricky, like I can't quite touch it. I can't put my finger on it.
Where is it?
Whereas desire, it's.
Like okay, cool, yeah, I know, like I know what it feels like to desire, Like I desire a huge bottle pasta with whatever yummy sauce.
I desire that.
You know, I desire sun on my skin. Okay, what in my sexuality do I desire? And how can I make that happen? And so when we talk about sees and our sis, our sexual excitatory response, it's like our accelerator. It's the thing that turns us on sexually and lights us up and engages our arousal. And we have our sexual inhibitory response or systems.
So it's like our breaks in our sexuality.
So the things that make us say no, and you know, we need to have both of these systems.
We can't be walking around ready to fuck whenever.
I wish, but no, no, there are times and places for it, so you know, if you're out to your family dinner, you're probably not going to feel super.
Sexy and wanting to have sex.
Whereas, yeah, watching a yummy movie or listening to erotica, Yeah, your sexual excitatory system or response, it's going to be activated. And so to sort of bring it down a little bit more easy to digest, we're looking at our accelerators and our breaks, and we want to see what are our breaks and how can we take our foot off the break a little bit, and what are our accelerators, and how can we make our accelerators a little bit more sensitive, because that is going to help us engage
and activate and connect in with our desire more. Say, for example, a messy house, dirty teeth, noisy kids, that's probably going to hit your brakes. So how can you create an environment to respond to that doesn't have all of these things going on? What are your exciters? What accelerates your sexual response? Is it having a yummy sense? Is it having yummy fab bricks? Are you a central person? Are you a kinky person being some different like kinky
things around that you can play with. Is that going to help you a little bit of power play through the day? So it's so different for everybody, their own unique erotic blueprint and what lights them up. And some people have really sensitive breaks and really sensitive accelerators, so they might get really turned on easily, but also turned
off really easily. Some people might have not so sensitive breaks like my husband and really sensitive accelerators, or the opposite, They might have really sensitive breaks and then to put the foot down on the accelerator, it's not so sensitive.
So finding what that.
Means to you uniquely as an individual, because everybody, as I said, is super different, and writing out your own unique pleasure menu or what lights you up, and then making sure you're having a little bit of taste of the menu as often as you can. More and more pleasure breeds more pleasure and turn on and desire the break, Seeing where you can navigate those breaks, What can you take out, what can you remove or can you outsource?
What can you ask of your partner or can you implement to make your breaks less sensitive?
Wow, so much incredible information. Thank you so much. That was so informative. I'm sure there's only so many women listening, and even myself like, yeah, where can we find you? You've got retreats coming out tell us a little bit more about how we could work with you and learn from you more.
Yeah.
Sure.
So I have a bunch of free information and education on my Instagram at Your Delicious. I am super passionate about this, so I'm sharing things all the time.
People are always saying like, why do you share all this but free?
But I just feel everyone deserves to have access to real, good quality sex education, So you can find me there. Otherwise, on my website, I have a bunch of freebies there as well that can get people started, So things like a seven day Yuni Love Challenge where they go on a journey of loving how their volver looks and tastes and smells and really empowering stuff through there. Otherwise, I have an erotic map where you get to learn what
your own unique erotic map that's also free. Beyond there, it's all sort of bundled in one free called the Pleasure Pot.
Next year, in February on the.
Gold Coast, I will have a paint, sip pole and pussy power workshop with a couple of hours wow fun, I'm coming, Yes, yes, come along, It'll be at ga. I will for all of my other stuff, like I have something like I don't know, fifty recorded programs that are bundled altogether for either couples or singles or both at really affordable prices on my website as well, which
is unu listis dot com dot au. Also, yeah, if somebody wants to hire me for like a hen's party or a workshop with girlfriends, or even just like an education piece at their work they're feeling like this kind of stuff is going to help their workplace, then I'm also available for hire for that and guests speaking and things like that as well.
Amazing. Oh, I'm sure we all cross paths again soon. That's so exciting. Thank you, so so much, thank you, thank you, Kigi