Apogae Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment.
And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
Get ready for your next level of self.
Hello everybody, Welcome back to a Wednesday episode. Today, we are talking about something that happened to me last month. The month before I haven't spoken about it much online, but I had a bit of a pregnancy scare and it was such an emotional rollercoaster because in my head I was completely done having children. Of course, there's that tiny bit in me that every now and again I'm like, oh, we'll three, be nice. Maybe I could. And then I have a hard day with the kids, I'm like absolutely
not two is good? Or like when they're both upset or emotional, going through something or fighting, see you, We'll take one, I'll take the other. I'm like, imagine having three, you're fully outnumbered. Yeah, Like, no, two's good. I got a girl and a boy. They're both healthy and happy. I've been begging Steve to get the snip for so long and he's like he's genuinely scared to get it done. Anyways, I was two weeks late for my period, which is
very odd for me. I'm pretty regular, and I just kept saying to Steve, Babe, my period's still not here. My periods still not here. And then one night we were just sitting on the bed and he was like, oh, if you were pregnant, like, how would that make you feel? Would it be a girl, would it be a boy? I was like, I'm not sure. What would you want in Taj? Would they with us? And Taj like I want a brother. I was like, oh, I think I want another boy. I don't know, I don't care. I
was like, I've already got the name. He's like, that's right, You've got your name. And the name that I was going to call Tala is like a unisex name. So said, if we ever have a third that would be the name. I love this name so much and I've never met anyone with the name.
Yeah.
So we started to get excited and then I was like, oh, Taji, did you feel like if we had another one and you would like feel left out, because I always thought he would feel left out. You are And he was like, no, he's like I don't really want any more siblings, but I love the honesty. Yeah, He's like, I don't think
i'd feel left out. So he was all good. And then I just saw Steve's face light up, like he started to get excited about it, and I was like, oh my gosh, maybe this would be really nice, like maybe it's meant to be. And then the other half of me was like, no, you don't want this, Like you're really content, you're happy, you love your life, you're proud of the way you show up. Was a mom,
I think three would like tip me over there. I would just it'd be hard to be as patient and have as much time and energy as what I want to be able to give my kids. I feel like three would really stretch me in a way that then I couldn't give them what I wanted to give them, you know. So I was just this massive emotional rollercoaster and I was just taking the jay as it come, seeing if my period came. And then after the two week mark and having these conversations, we all went out
to the loud room. I was like, no, I can't wait me long. I'm gonna get a test, just like ease my own mind. So I ordered it on uber like order me telling me. And then it arrived and I called Steven to the bath him and I was like, look, I just want to do this test. And he pulled me onto his lap and he looked in the eyes and grabbed my face and he was just like, babe, if this comes back as yes, we've got this, like don't stress. I've got you, We've got each other. We'll
make it work. We love our kids. This is what we live for. There are everything like this is what it's all about. It's all about family. Nothing else matters. So if it does come back, like try not to freak out, because I was starting to freak out. He's like, We've got this and we'll work it out. It's like okay, maybe just like take a breath. And we did the test and I was just like sitting there anxiously waiting, like pacing up and down the bathroom, and then I
like filmed it just in case it was. Of course, I did two, two different brands, so I flipped one over for the other and we both like three two one, and we looked at it and it said not pregnant. And I thought I would be like, yes, so relieved, like oh, right off my shoulders, I have to worry about it anymore. And I felt sad. It was so strange, and Steve's almost like his shoulders dropped, like he was almost like, ah, okay, I could see this like sadness
in him. He's like it was like fun to talk about and explore and we would make it work and we're a great team now. So yeah, it's really really strange to have all these emotions like coexisting around me.
Yeah.
And then right before we did the test, I felt anger come up that Steve hadn't got the phasectomy done because I was like, if we are pregnant and I don't want to be pregnant and I don't want a third child, you're putting me in a position where I have to choose what I do with this, and I don't think I could go through with a termination. Yes, yeah, I just don't think I could at this age, having
my two kids there. I just don't think I could. Now, I just said to my I'm feeling really annoyed that you haven't gone and got this done and goes, yeah, I can understand why. Now he's like watching you go through these emotions and I'm going through this like I can't get it now. Yeahs before it was like, you know, we've never accidentally fallen pregnant, and our whole seventeen years being together, the only two times we've gotten pregnant is
when we've tried. Yeah, so he's kind of just been a bit nigh to think it wouldn't happen to us. So that came up for me and I was like trying to process those emotions and then yeah, when it was no, I was like disappointed and sad and relieved. And then he was like, do you want me to book the snip in? I was like, yes, yeah, absolutely, I don't want us to go. I have to go through this again, this emotional rollercoaster of questioning everything, whereas
take emotions out of it. When we're logical and when we're like in a good place, we both are like, we're so happy with two. Yeah, that's our decision.
Yeah.
Yes, we fantasize about it sometimes and talk about it sometimes having a third. But if I'm being truly honest with myself. I'm really happy with two, and if we were younger, I would absolutely go for a third. Yeah, but I'm turning thirty seven at the end of the year and I'm still fine to have another baby. But Steve's turning forty six. Yeah, he's getting up there. He's getting up there. I'm like, you nearly fifty, baby, the sperm agats lower. Well, we've got sperm frozen. So that's fine.
I'm good.
But it's not the point. It's just like we want to travel with our kids, and ste wants to be around for his kids. We both did grow up with like our dads, Like I want to be around for my kids, for their weddings and for their big moments, you know. So he's booked in Dune twelfth.
Oh my god, eleven forty that's certain love.
I said from the other day. I was like, do we come with you? He's like, oh, yes, no, I think so, I was like, do you want support? It's like, I just don't want to be a big deal. It's like get it done, get back to work, Like yes, So I just want to get it done. I'm scared. I'm just like yeah. So he's booked in He's going to get it done and that's that.
Well, Yeah, I feel like that would have been really hard, like going through that wave of emotion, especially when you did feel so certain about not wanting more children, and then having the opportunity arise where it presents itself of like this could actually be a possibility. And I can see why that anger would have come up as well around being angry that it hadn't already booked it, because
it does. It puts you in a position where you have to make a really big decision around whether you're going to one have another child or get a termination, and both ways come with pros and cons.
Oh my gosh, so much so. And it's just so much on the woman's body. Like if I was a dad, I would want ten Yeah, Like are you kidding me? These little mini he's running around. Yeah. And don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful that I could carry my children and breastfeed and I would not change out for the world. And I'm so grateful to be a woman that I get to experience all of that. But like, it's so much on your body. It's trying to get pregnant,
it's all the hormones. It's the pregnancy, even through pregnancy, like I barely could sleep from the restless leg syndrome, all the symptoms women get, the sickness, it's giving birth,
it's breastfeeding, it's repairing internally and externally. Then going through the process of like finding yourself again and getting back in touch with your sexuality and your body changes and stretches, and there's just it's a lot because the man's life kind of just like stays the same, you know, and they support and they provide and he's such a great team player and all that stuff, but it's still just so different. Yeah, you know, so, Yeah, it was interesting.
How is that moment for you, Like when you guys had that moment where you flip the pregnancy tests over and you notice all of those emotions come up. Can you walk us through like the different phases and different emotions that came up. Immediately after that.
My heart was absolutely racing. I was sweating, it was beating so fast. I was so anxious, but I couldn't quite pinpoint what I really wanted in that moment. Part of me wanted it to be positive, yeah, and then part of me was like, oh my gosh, no, Like, I'm not ready for that. I don't want that. It was just this emotional rollercoaster. But I don't want to go through that again. Yeah, that was a lot. It took up a lot of emotional capacity. Even every day
that I was late. Yeah, it was just consuming me and I was just stressing about it and thinking about it.
So, yeah, she takes up emotional bandwidth, doesn't it.
It really does. So I'm relieved it's done. I'm relieved he's getting a snap and we don't have to worry about it. I'm content with my two kids. I'm so happy, so grateful, and I'm excited for our future with them. But I'm sure so many women experience this. Yeah, and so many women want they meant to get the snip. Book it in boys, I gh birth. We can give birth and go through it. We go through you can go get a snip.
You're going to be so fun.
And Steve was like that after, He's like, oh, this compared to what you girls have to go through, Like, I just need to go and get it done. And he booked it the next day. That's good.
Do you think there's ever a possibility of maybe you wanting kids, even after Steve gets a snip.
Possibly and we have sperm frozen. He froze it a couple of years ago because he knew he was getting older anyway, and he goes, I just wouldn't want to get to older and my sperm shit. And then you decide you want another kid, because he said to me, I would always go with what you want to go with if you decide you want another kid, if you want five more kids, I will do whatever you want to do. Yeah, I would fully support that and make it work and we'll figure it out. So he did
freeze sperm for that reason. So if I ever wanted to, I can, but I don't think I will. Really excited that my kids are getting a bit older, even taler. I feel like, once I hit like four, traveling with them so much fun. And they're just a little best friend that understands so much. You're having conversations, just a whole different era each age they get to and when they get older. So I'm really excited for it. Yeah.
So do you feel like one hundred and ten percent like I don't want anymore?
I feel eighty five percent. Yeah, Okay, they're pretty up there. Yeah, pretty certain. Yeah. I got big goals for the podcast, big goals for what we're doing, and lots of travel plans we want to take the kids on. So that's more yeah, yeah, way more yes for me.
Yeah, otherwise you'd be standing on stage with the big pregnant belly.
Yeah.
Actually, what do you think that you would do after, like, let's say you did Let's say that they're fifteen percent of you potentially wanting more children. What do you think your options would be? Like? What would you explore.
If I think you can get that sperm put inside you? Yeah, around your ovulation. But I've also had a girlfriend recently who her partner had a previous relationship and he got the snip, and now they've gone on to have two kids. So there is a way that you can do it. I don't actually know, but I think they have to go inside him and pull it out and then put it into her. Oh wow, yeah, I'm going to butcher it, so I'm not gonna try and explain it. But they've had two kids and he had the snip, so it
is reversible for the man. So if that came to it, I could potentially do that, But I think I just use the frozen stuff that's a bit younger, the frozen frozen spen stuff that's so funny. I know that's good. So yeah, I don't think we'll go there. It's been Auntie to your kids. You will absolutely coming up. Oh you can adopt. I could adopt, Yeah, one hundred percent, Steven. I've always spoken about that, or you know, foster caring whatever, that could definitely be in our future. Who knows.
I could so see that for you.
Yeah, I've always seen another boy. Maybe I've just always wanted two boys. Then there's also this little boy that lives in our street and he's at a house like all day, every day and the holidays, every afternoon, every weekend. So maybe he's the.
Extra Boyd's the other one.
Yeah, I don't know. I'm open to anything. I never know what's going to happen in the future, but for now, very content. Yeah.
Yeah, Auntie Ashy, then Auntie.
Ashy, when you get a man, you have your babies, I'll be right there with you, helping you doing all the things in the birthing.
Room, in the delivering room. Absolutely, we've already spoken about unity. The content I have got them all over it and everything that you can. I know, you'll just be the best person I had in there. Your future Man's like, ah, do I get a saying this? No, have seen those videos where it's like the husband and then the best friend, but then the best friends with the wife, and then husbands just like.
To the side help. I think it's quite common. Actually, I have been in the birth suite of a girlfriend and the partner like just freaked out. He didn't know how to coach her. He didn't know what to do. He was like, oh my gosh, plustered. I'm an XPT. I know how to coach, and I love supporting women. I'm just like born for that. Yeah, that is my jam if I was not doing this. Yeah, I would love to be a birth support person or a birth photographer.
Yeah.
Wow, it's just so beautiful.
Yeah, you've big on getting photos of that bedding experience.
Okay, get it with Taj and the photos of me and Steve and Tala are the most beautiful photos I've ever had. Yeah, any woman, if you can get that, or if you can't even afford a phtographer, get your friends in there. Yeah, get someone in there, just on their phone and make them black and white, they'll be beautiful and candid. They're not there to be perfect. Yes, it's your experience.
It's there for the memories and the moments of the hardship that you go through in that moment and soul you have from your husband and.
A lot of it's a big blur. Yeah, Like it's crazy what you go through. Like I remember I had so much gas with Tala. At one point they were looking up a steep. I was so out of it. Yeah, they ended up taking it off me because I was like, she's had enough, she's done. I wasn't like pushing when I was meant to push because I was like, it's spacey love that stuff.
Did you have both natural burds?
Yeah?
Yeah.
With Tajo had an epidural, but it had worn off. I remember the pain. I will never forget that pain. The ring of fire they call it. Oh, I've heard of that before. My God, it was excruciating. I had that with both, obviously, but I only had gas with Tala. I really wanted to just try and just have more trust in my body and regardless of the pain, just know that I can get through it. And I did. The pushing for two hours was tough, but oh we got there. Yeah, it's a burn like no other. Yeah,
the ring of fire. I've heard of that before. Is that like where you're like on the verge of tearing or is that it's just when the baby is like literally coming out. Yeah, okay, and the head comes out first, Yeah, and then the shoulders come out.
Oh Jesus Christ.
It's a lot. But I'll be there to hold your hand. Yeah awesome. And you know what, if you need an epidurol cool, you do what you gotta do for sure. There's no judgment around whatever anyone needs. I think depending on where your nervous system's at too, Like if you are a really panicky, stressful person, getting an epi durol is a great tool because if it helps keep you come, it keeps your baby calm, right. You know, it is quite a big needle in your back though, Yeah I've
heard that, a big needle in your spine. But yeah, it was cool experience. I'm bit sadden. I get to do that again, to be honest.
Oh yeah, watch everyone else.
I'll be watching your baby. If you're right there with you.
I'm like, if you anything like what it was when I got my Taddy removed. I'm good.
Yes, I'll be that for tenfold. So so we actually got told by a psychic that you're going to be a boy mom. Ah, yes, that's right.
Yeah she did say that, which is really cool. She told me about a man that I was going to meet and with that man was going to be like obviously the father of my children, the person I would be with. And yeah, she's like, you're going to be a boy mom.
And how many does she say? Two? Two boys? Yeah? Yeah, have you ever thought about how many kids you would potentially want.
I've only logically thought about this. I'm like, okay, logically, I would probably either want two or four. For some reason, why do.
People say this? This is such a common thing.
It's such a strange thing. I feel almost bad that the child might get left out and not have someone to be with all the time.
Yeah, you know, behind her, that's the way.
I don't know if that's right, because obviously I haven't had children, but yeah, for some reason, I'm just like I would want them to be even numbers.
For some reason, goes, if you have one more, mum, you got to have one more after that. Yeah, it's been an even number on mom four, Like good luck my head. I'm like, that mean you have to get a whole new car. Three you can still fit in the same car.
Yeah, that's a good point.
You got to get a minivan. I don't say you're getting a minivan all over agon.
That's right, that's right. Yeah, two boys. And you know what when she said that, I thought about it. I was like, yeah, I would love that. I would love to have two boys. Even all of my friends, like my best friends that I've had and along the years and whoever, I just love their little boys, like I love all of their children, but the little boys, like the bond is just.
I've always like, obviously I have a daughter and I love it a bit and we're so connected, like we are person.
She is down for her mummy.
She loves her mummy. Oh my gosh, it's like, see we love you. She's like, I love mummy, my mummy.
She's so funny.
Yeah, but yeah, I've always been drawn to little boys like I'm just they're just so sweet. I love them.
Really gentle, sweet nature.
Hey yea, and I love footing now too, like the boy.
Sports footy one.
I am such a footing you are.
Yeah, hot one at that.
Thanks, I don't know about that, but anyways, ago with that, but yeah, I just want to share that story because I know a lot of other women would go through that and the emotional rollercoaster, and also like there was a little bit of I wouldn't say shame, but there was those thoughts of what if I was to terminate, like what people think of me? And like, well I think of myself? Yeah, is that something I could go through with? And there was that that was really tricky
to even like go there. I kind of wanted to avoid that conversation with myself. And then I also thought, oh, gosh, I love being a mom. Shouldn't I want more children? Like should didn't? I like hate that word should yeah with so much like pressure and feels negative and heavy. But I'm like, I should want more kids, right because I've got two. I love being a mum. Why I don't want more? Yeah? And I'm like and then I felt almost a little bit of shame of like, oh,
you couldn't handle three. I truly believe I would struggle with three.
Yeah.
I was like, oh, but other moms nail it. Those internal like intrusive thoughts I had quite a bit of that going out on and it was very noisy.
Do you think there's any pressure to like want to want more because you've already got children?
One hundred percent. I get comments in it all the time, yeah, like, oh, you love being a mom, why would you not have more? Yeah, one hundred percent. And then there's also the other layer of I also love working. Yes, And this is a conversation. I will stay loud and proud, like I love being a mom, and I also love having a career, and I also love having hobbies, and I also love valuing my friendships, and I also love date nights, and I also love my alone time. Just because of my mum,
it doesn't mean I don't enjoy all those other things. Yeah, And I get so much hate for online. It's like, oh, if you're a mum, it's like you should just strip everything else off about you and just be a musks me a mum. But like, I don't want to I want more. I think I want it all.
I want it all.
I like that, hey can I want to eat it? True to have that saying, And I hope other moms listening this just gives you permission to it's okay for you to want what you want and just fully own it. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't have those intrusive internal thoughts and conversations with myself that felt uncomfortable. But I think it's more like society and old conditioning of what is right and wrong in someone else's book.
But if I'm really grounded and I resent to myself, I'm like, I know what I want and I'm going to stand by that. I'm going to honor that.
I think that's a really beautiful conversation to kind of bring forward to allow other women in a similar position or maybe if they reach that position in the future where they have a decision to make. Is being able to sit with themselves first and foremost and drown out all the other outside noise of pressure from other people of what you should do. If you know in yourself, then it either doesn't feel right, you're not ready, You're not there yet, the circumstances don't allow for another child
to come into the world. Just listening to yourself.
And it's even timing with it too, is at the right time. Like I know, it took me a long time to feel ready for Tala, and it took another eleven months to even fall pregnant. And I think the universe, because I think the universe had my back and like knowing the right time. Yeah, but it's not just have a kid. If your relationship is rocky, if you don't have the finances, if you're not in a good place mentally. Yeah,
I promised you. A baby is not going to fix that. Yeah, a baby is going to make it ten times more stressful and hard. You think life's like tricky now when you're looking after a baby and you're tired and a hormonal and trying to keep yourself afloat, it's way harder with a baby. So like, they're the things you really got to think about and consider as well, because it's not just you, your partner and your child as well.
And I just wanted to make sure when I had Tala, I was in a really good spot emotionally, physically, feeling really strong that my body had healed from the first one. Obviously it was like six years later, so I felt really good, our relationship was strong, finances were good, like we were in a good position to have another baby. Yeah, And it's been beautiful because of that. It's a very conscious decision.
Yeah, conscious, yeah, yeah. I think that's a really important thing when bringing a child into the world.
And accidents happened. Your friends that are like, no, yeah, we did not plan that. Well, so many didn't plan the second or that either. You know, and it works out. You figure it out for sure, but I definitely yeah. If anyone thinks that it will solve problems.
I don't think it does. No.
Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, that was my story.
Thank you for sharing.
You're welcome, and we'll see you guys on Friday.
Bye, guys.