My UNEXPECTED break up….…. EXPOSING OURSELVES 👀🙀… In our relationships!

Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Risers podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.

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And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.

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Get ready for your next level of self.

Hello everybody, Welcome back to Shoe Guysers with your favorite hosts, Ashley and Tiana. Hello. Today's episode is all about relationships. We are diving deep. We are exposing ourselves. We are letting you know that our gal is single.

I'm single gal.

But before we get into all the tea, what's your share of the week?

My share of the week is simply just a perspective shift. If you don't use it.

You lose it.

Oh so true.

And this applies to everything in life, whether it be your confidence, whether it be you're going to the gym, whether it be your ability to be consistent in your work, in.

Your anything, really anything.

Yeah, honestly, if you you can just consistently work towards the things that you're working towards you will always feel better, you'll always feel more consistent. But if you stop doing it, you're going to lose it. You're not gonna feel as confident. So just remember that you haven't fallen off.

You've just walked into another room.

It feels hard, right if you stop it. Consistency is key for everything. Yeah, really is mine? Is just a quote that I saw on Jay Shetty's Instagram. You lose nothing by wanting everyone to win, and you win nothing by wanting everyone to lose.

Oh cool, Yeah, that's a cool perspective.

It's so true. It doesn't take much to just like want good for other people.

You win wanting everyone to win, and then it doesn't benefit you. Nothing takes away from you with other people winning. Even in this competitive space of business, there's room for everyone. Yeah, the right customers for you're going to connect with what you do and love what you do, and if not, they'll go elsewhere.

That's so true.

Yes, there's competition, but I just think there's room for everyone, and you just have to stand out and be different and stay in your own lane.

Yeah. Yeah, Blinder is on.

Love it all right, let's get into it. So it's a big episode. Like we said before, we are diving deep into all things relationships. We're going to talk about how we show up a relationship, things that we carry shame for. I'm going to talk very vulnerably about how you used to treat step in certain ways. But first of all, the elephant in the room, no more silver Fox, you're single?

No more silver Fuck?

What the fuck happened? Tell all?

What do you want to know?

I want to know everything, because obviously you have spoken a little bit about your relationship the last couple of months, and it was kind of new, and you did dive deep in with him. What happened?

I know that I've spoken quite highly of him on the podcast, and again I'm not going to come on here and not speak highly of him. But there were things in the relationship that just weren't working out, and things that I missed from the very beginning that I wish I had paid attention to more that my intuition was saying, Hey, you need to look at this like

I wasn't ready.

Yeah, so I knew that and I felt that, and I actually ended things before they had even started, and then we came back into contact and then it kind of went from there. But I became a person that I'm not proud of. The relationship evoked in me, like a version of myself that I don't want to be.

Can you give you an example what came out in you in the relationship that you were like, Oh, wow, this is not bringing out a good side of me.

I yelled at him out the front of a restaurant.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, I yelled at him.

So out of character for you. You're just not an angry person. And when you communicate, it's always delivered so respectfully and kindly and calmly. So that's really out of character for you.

I got up from the table at a restaurant at ten o'clock in the morning, surrounded by people, got up, left the table when we had already ordered our food, and walked out, and he followed me out and I yelled at him to get away from me. All I needed was a minute, to take a minute, because I was so disregulated at what he was fighting with me about. It was like something that had been delayed from you know, a couple of days. So it was a up and

It just pushed a bit too far.

He pushed and I just needed to regulate myself, but he wouldn't give me the space. And it was like so overwhelming in the moment. But what I noticed throughout the relationship and something that I spoke to him often about, he would antagonize me. Don't get me wrong, he was a great human as a beautiful man. He's a beautiful man and like I truly truly believe that, but when triggered.

I can't hold it for each other.

We can't hold it for each other.

It was really cool throughout this process though, because Tianna and I talk a lot about attachment styles, and if you haven't learned about them, highly recommend it because it is game change and once you understand your attachment style and other people's and also how you can flip depending on the person. And you noticed in this dynamic he was more of anxious and in your last relationship, you were more anxious. Yeah, so you had a lot of

It was a really eye opening experience for me because, like what you mentioned, in my last relationship, I did fall on the more anxious side, but in this relationship I went to the complete opposite end. And I can tend to do that like I have it what they call like a disorganized attachment. So what happens is you experience both. You can lean both anxious and you can lean both avoidant, depending on the situation that you're in. So for me in this relationship, I felt to the

It was like a push and pull.

Dynamic of me leaning out or in his words, not caring as much and him being the one that was pouring two hundred percent to the relationship, but I was only pouring in one hundred and those were his words.

And when the avoidant avoids, the anxious leans in more, which makes the avoidant lean out more. And it's this vicious cycle. We've all played it, everyone has to, even I have played that dynamic. We've switched roles. Everyone that is listening. You can understand it's not one person's bad or it's wrong. It's true, not at all. Different dynamics will bring out different attachments.

True, different things, right, Because in this relationship dynamic, whenever he would lean in, I would be like, oh my god, I need space. I feel like I'm not getting enough space. And also for him, he wanted me to be more of like the stay at home mum and to be taken care of and all that stuff. And don't get me wrong, I love all of that and think there's

And for him, he didn't.

Really love that, Like he didn't love that I wanted to be more independent, and it would cause fights between us. Yeah, and so I would need space and want to pull away, and then he would come closer, and then I would get even further away. It's really interesting when you have more awareness, you're aware of what you're doing, but in the moment it's so triggering that you need the space.

One hundred percent. And I think from what I've heard from you too, and you can put it in your own words, but he really wanted it to be you two against the world, solid team. Not that you didn't want a team, but just you two and no one else mattered. He really wanted that in a relationship. Obviously values that and that's fine. But for you, it's like, I've also got girlfriends, I've also got passion projects, I've

It was a bit of friction.

And I think also us being at different stages of life as well, like he was I feel very ready to settle down, get married, have children, and that was something that he very much vocalized that he wanted within the dynamic and relationship because he was that very like it's us against the world kind of Bonnie and Clyde

I felt like a dimmed your light a little bit because you were almost like if I do that, I hope that doesn't upset him, or if I say this, oh gosh, I wonder how he responded that I book this, Oh, but I just need to check with Lee. And it's from a caring place, but from an outside it made you not be as free to just be your authentic self because you didn't want to upset him.

To some degree, I felt that there was a certain image that he wanted me to uphold, because he would say, like, I'm quite a conservative person, and don't get me wrong, like so am I too, but there are levels to it, right, and so obviously my level was different to his level, and he wanted me and to show people on the outside of like a certain image and like I so get that, like there's nothing wrong with that, but for me, it felt like it put a lid on my expression

Am I allowed to do this?

Like for thinking, what's it called like when you foresee the future of like, yes, okay, this is going to upset him, I shouldn't say that. Walking on eggshells, I started to like limit myself and from.

A considerate place, because you're a very considerate.

Pros from a considerate place, like there were you know, many times where I would post something on the podcast so you'd be like, I don't like this, this doesn't feel good for me. And like, as a team, I understand why he would say that. And then also as a partner, of course, I want to be able to show up for you and make you know as my partner that I'm going to do those things for you. But there's also where's the line in that, where's the

Even when we went to Byron.

Right before I came to Byron to hang out with everyone for New Years, we had a fight in the car. I was late for like hours because we were arguing in the car, you know, And it's just I was like, what is happening like for somebody who's been in this for three months or how long it was, that we are bickering and arguing so intensely that this is not okay, Like something about this is not right. And there's a difference between arguing.

And growing together and growing together.

Being able to hold each other's triggers to oh wow, this actually doesn't feel right with relationships.

My personal opinion, you want it to be peaceful on your nervous system. Doesn't mean there's not going to be turbulent times, but being able to navigate that together, but fewers like Hi, Hi, lo low, It's gonna happen.

It was, It was so if, so much emotional whiplash. It was so confusing, and especially when it comes to like being intimate. Any woman who's listening knows what this feels like, and his knows exactly what I'm about to say.

How you repair.

It's like the final way back to normal. But for me, I'm like, well, now I need two days.

I need to feel safe, I need to connect, I need you to feel my pain, need to feel validated. We need to solve this, we need to make sure this doesn't happen again. There's so much connection and safe you need.

Unred percent and even something that I've never wanted to actually allow in a relationship is like disrespect.

But he did in some way, do you know what I mean?

Like there was a moment where we were having an argument and he told me to fuck off because of something that I said. And that was the moment for me where I was just like, this is not it. Yeah. I was like my future husband would fucking never speak to me like that. And it was just this pivotal like oh my god, yeah, this is not it for me, and I actually I'm done.

Some things can't be undone. Yeah, don't forget how someone made you feel in that moment. And then I just remember you saying to me like, this is going to happen this moment what happens when we have kids and we go through really hard times together, Like is this is a noutial reaction that I'm going to have to like bear and hold the rest of my life. I can do that, That's right.

And when that moment did happen, I remember saying to him like, I just feel really unsafe at the moment, like he was trying to touch and repair and all the things. I was like, I just need a minute,

It was in a productive way. It wasn't productive in relationships, you know that you're going to be triggered and they are your biggest teachers vitally.

As time went on and I started listening to more to my intuition, and I had more evidence that we were fighting all the time. And then I was, you know, future projecting into the future. What happens if we get married? Then what what happens if I have a baby? And then we're bickering in the way that we are now,

So many women listening will be like, oh my gosh, so been there, so felt that, so relatable. So thank you for being so honest and vulnerable, And I feel like you are so good at always cleaning up your own lane and taking responsibility. This is only all the nutshell, but there's been a lot of conversations and you're like, wow, I can really see how I need to work on this. Holy shit, that weren't still there. Oh that crept up again.

I think at the end of the day, it's just about me knowing that like it wasn't my person, yes, and like not putting pressure on myself to be like, oh shit, like it wasn't my person yeah.

And also no regrets, because I remember you saying to me one comment it was like, you know, my intuition was there at the start, I shouldn't have gone into this relationship. I was like, I can see how you feel. But also no regrets, do you know, unless you try yes, I don't know. True, And you've learned so much in this relationship about how you want to be treated, what you can and can't have, the different parts you still need to work on. That's incredible. That's a part of

It's so true, and it is it's so beautiful. And it's something I've said to you before. And what I truly believe is that every relationship that I have, it increasingly gets better. So like I said to actually after I had broken up with him, I was like, I don't feel in lack. Like I don't feel in lack because I know that one. I've learned so much. I'm so grateful for it. I've learned more things about myself, about other people, how to be a better partner, what

Love us So cool. All right, let's talk about exposing ourselves. So we just think there's so many valuable lessons in being vulnerable and sharing the not so pretty parts about

Yeah.

Now I look back, I'm like, oh, that was not productive at all. And the way I've kind of moved through that is learning more about communication, practicing it and not with him. It was with someone else that I've really had to practice my responses, my tone, my language, And it comes down to a lot of how regulated your nervous system is. If you are constantly like disregulated, you will be on hairline trigger to react and respond

So important.

It's so important because if you don't over the years, you're cutting that wound and you're going to make it bleed even more to one day it's unrepairable.

Death by a thousand cut.

That's what I was thinking of. And yeah, I look back and reflect in the last seventeen years, I'm like far out. I definitely contributed to a lot of pain and disconnection, and I can just take so much responsibility in the disconnection in different chapters of our relationship. But I feel like this last year it's just changed and grown so much. We're in such a good place because of all that work. Hate when people say, oh, you're so lucky that you've got a good relationship or a

Yeah, it's not luck like you have consciously every single time that you guys would have had a fight or an argument, or when you were both triggered or when something had you know, hit the fan or whatever, consciously choosing in that moment to choose to repair in whatever way that you do.

That's good.

You know.

It takes a long time to rewhy your brain too, because I can still feel sometimes if we have a moment, like my initial reaction is to do what I used to do because I've always done that. That's my pattern, that feels natural. So I have to actually stop and like have that internal dialogue with myself like, hey, you could say this, or you could say this, you could take space, you could take a breath, like go over all the options. Yeah, I take the moment to choose

Is there any like previous daggers from like years and years ago, when you maybe like unconscious ashy that were like your go to without actually knowing it was your go to.

There wasn't much repairing when I was really younger. Yeah, we would just sweep and you can imagine over the years.

That would build up. It's easy to do that.

I think it would be my tone and my words. I would say words that I know would upset him. It's been a long time, I think since I've pulled out a weapon. Because we've been together seventeen years. I'm talking when I was like twenty. I'm sure there was a few comments. I can't remember exactly what I would have said, but I'm sure there's a few comments about past relationships that I would like bring in, Yeah, to gain control of the conversation, or to prove that I

Pass forward to like the other day, you know when you saw Steve's X in the gym.

Oh, yes, so I used to be super super jealous, like super jealous and maybe still a bit now. I fully laugh about it now. So back in the day, yeah, I'd be so jealous that I would give full cold shoulder. I would ask a million questions, I would sulk, I would just use not nice words. And you taught me that thing. What is it? Retroactive jealousy.

Retroactive jealousy. You're jealous of the person's past. You're jealous of the person's past ex partners.

That was me. Could not handle them, could not handle any of it. And yeah, the other day, on one of my trainer's stories, we do this booty class and I watch her stories every now and again because she posts a lot of her client's training. And she posted this girl and I was like, she's really familiar. I was like, have you seen that sound of the funny movie? I had that initial jealousy, and then I was giggling about it, and I went to Steve. I was like,

No one touched, no one looks.

We talk about it often. Yeah, those intrusive thoughts or visuals. It just makes me feel sick to my stomach, the thought of him fucking someone else, Like, no, that is my man? How dare you? It just makes you feel so good?

Do you have a life before me?

Literally? I just can't. Yeah. And now I laugh about it. Yes, I have a little moment, but it's laughable and we joke about it and it's playful, and it almost like brings us closer because I'm like, my man, come here, Whereas back in the day, I would almost take it out on him, sulk, pull out the weapons and just make him feel shit for it.

Why.

I don't know why you.

Talk about this often?

You always say with Stephen, I've heard you both say it where you talk about like healthy jealousy.

Yes, like we have that, Okay, bring it in.

Yeah, that's it's like knowing that your partner is still, of course still desirable, even after being together.

For seventeen years.

It's like that a fun, a playfulness.

I really don't ever get a yucky jealousy now. Yeah, it's fun, playful and it turns me on.

It's so cool.

Yeah, when you had those sex dreams about that, Brunette Yes said on a previous episode, it made me so towy. It was like my man did made me really jealous, but in like a fun, playful way. I was like, come here, yes, you're my man. Yeah, it's really cool, like even in your dreams, your mind. Yeah, literally, hear me, Steve, It is really cool though. I love the growth.

I think that's really cool.

It's easier now to communicate with Steve and bring hard conversations in because we're both regulated and it just feels more natural and nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The implementing of it, though, isn't it.

It's like you can talk about it, you can read all the books, you can do all the personal development stuff, but unless you're actually actioning it in the moments where it feels really hard, then you're not going to be able.

To progress in that area.

Definitely, a lot of the times we think, oh, I'm on a good day, I feel really really good, and then i'm, you know, the person I want to be. But what about like on the bad days, what about when you haven't been fed, or you're really tired, or the kids are stretching you and you are really pushing you. But like, it's about who you choose to be in that moment, and you've just constantly been able to.

Do that, which is beautiful.

And the repairing is super important too. So back in the day, I wouldn't repair. I would avoid, I would punish for weeks. I would sult for weeks. I would pull away love, I would pull away sex. I would do all the things that was just so fucking damaging to a relationship. Now it's repairing with vulnerability, yeah, and just fully owning it. Or it's repairing playfully, which I love. Something you taught me it was with a past part

I went, yes, I went to him, and I was like, I'm feeling a little jealous.

But when you told me the story. It was with these beautiful puppy dog eyes, your hands were around your chin. It was like, I'm feeling jealous and I was like, how can any man be angry at you? Yeah, when you bring that playfulness to it, they just want to grab you up in your arms. And I tested it. I tested it one day. Wasn't about jealousy. It was about attention. Yes, I was like needing more love, like this insecure kitten, like he was just like grab me

You're going to book a date night soon?

Or it was just little stabs, little backhanded, passive, aggressive comments doesn't achieve anything. Yeah, So bringing vulnerability in softness and playfulness game changer? Yeah, well absolutely, change of relationship. It really does, it really does.

It changes the dynamic, and you also just get a much better response out of there. Say if the roles were reversed, if your partner came to you and said, hey, babe, like, this is really hard for me to talk about, but you know, can you just hold me in this for a second. This is really vulnerable and uncomfortable. But you know, I'm feeling a little bit jealous. Or when X y Z happened, it like I noticed this thing in me, you'd be like, I want to love on you.

So hard, right, I'm not doing that again on a no.

But when someone comes at you with daggers and they're like you're doing this and there are you think that's bad and that I'm like, oh, show you Tatiana. That was my warmup baby, right yeah, I was just getting started.

Yeah. Yeah, it's so different, isn't it? Okay? Enough exposing of me?

I feel like I'm darn put the camera on hat.

Oh can you tell me? What do you do?

Absolutely so a common theme for me. So it is it's a pattern. It's a pattern to me, at least in my relationship that just passed. And also I noticed this in the relationship before that. I got really jealous, like I really noticed within intimate relationships, I can get quite insecure because you know, I had a partner cheat on me when I was like fifteen, and I think maybe it just like as left a mark where I had this underlying fear of like betrayal.

An abandonment, an abandonment.

Yeah, and so this like feeling comes up for me when like things get really good and it gets really safe and you know, things are working where I start to question and my mind starts to wander and I start to go. It's when the anxious meat is present. When I'm grounded, Tiana, I'm like, cool, calm, collected, I feel really good. I'm like, oh you do you? I do me would do I thing together. But when I'm insecure, Tiana, I'm wondering what they're doing getting.

Into the text messages. What do you think about that?

Yes, Specifically for me, what comes up is like around other women, like when they have other women in their life who are really important to them. And granted, there were a couple of occasions where I had reason to feel that way, like there was a valid reason for me to be like, oh, I don't like this situation. But in those moments, I start to get a bit insecure, and I notice I pick fights. So if I'm feeling insecure,

So how would you test? What would you do? How would I test?

An example of doing this in my last relationship, I noticed my ex had like a female cleaner, and she was like beautiful, right, she's beautiful, but she.

Would always be around and like flirty.

Yeah, she was a bit flirty with him, and like I remember one time he called her a good girl and I was like the fuck, like, how dare you?

Like I'm the only good girl here?

Called in the bedroom right, And.

So I remember it like triggering me.

And he had this conversation with her on the phone while I was there, and something about the conversation triggered me, And I remember in that moment like wanting to suppress it. I find myself wanting to shut down when I noticed jealousy and insecurity come up.

I noticed the anxious part of me.

Come out so shameful around that of feeling jealous and insecure. Yeah, one hundred percent. It feels like, oh, I don't want this person to see this at me. And then so I'll suppress it a little bit. But then what will happen is It'll come out more, you know, and then I'll start.

To ask questions, Yes, sogate, why did you say this? Why didn't you want to have that conversation?

Instead of being direct saying hey, I fucking felt a bit jealous there.

Yeah, I do these little like picks and ask a little question.

In an aggressive tone.

No, just like a little subtle random question where that person might be like, why should just ask me that question?

You know, you can feel there's underlying anxiousness there, there's underlying anxiousness, but there's no context. I don't give any context.

I'm like, why did this happen? Or why did you say that?

Or why did you say that?

And then I will leave it, and then five minutes later I'll ask another question. So I pick right, and I'm like, it's almost like causes a fight because what that energy gives in my assumption is that I'm assuming that that person is doing wrong.

By yes, I'm assuming that.

That person is maybe has wrong intentions, is cheating, is doing something deceitful, is doing something that is sly, is doing something that would break the integrity of our relationship. And so I've noticed that trigger is a really bad response in partners where they're like, you're questioning my integrity And Lee said that, he was like, you're questioning my integrity, Tiana, don't fucking do that. And I'm like, don't fucking speak to you, you know. So, yeah, that's definitely come up

Yeah. I think that about cheating too, and I haven't been cheated on, so I don't have a wound of cheating. Yeah, but in my head, if Steve was to cheat, he's cheated. Yeah, that's a choice he's made. Yeah, Okay, I would fully unpack it all what happened, Where did I play my role? I'd want to know who was with and all the questions whatever. But it's like, okay, that's fucking done. Yeah

And it's important to have that mindset around it as well, because the anticipation of something is almost worse than the actual of it happening. You're creating pain for yourself, especially when you're anxious now when something hasn't even happened. So you're anticipating something that you haven't experienced yet. But then you almost become a self fulfilling prophecy that you create that dynamic and outcome because you're assuming, thinking, feeling as

I love that putting yourself in their shoes. Hey, And how would I respond if they were coming at me like this. It's just a cool tool to have in your toolbox before you go and attack them and accuse them and assume things. You're like, fuck, how would I feel if he came to me and question that, asked to go through my phone, assumed that I was doing this when I was actually doing that. I feel fucking shit. I feel like, like, how dare you? That's offense if you think I would do that to you.

Like I'm literally just eating ice cream at home with my best friend, Like, yeah, you have nothing to worry about. Like it's cool to see the contrast of that version of me to like more aware version of Tier because she can communicate really well, you know, like I'm very calm, cool, collected.

Yeah, another language shift too, which we've spoken about heaps too. Instead of going to your partner or anyone and being like, you know, you did this and it made me feel like this, changing it to be I'm only assuming and I could be totally wrong. Yes, but what I'm feeling is when you did this, your intention was this. But can you help me understand yes, instead of just assuming that that's what they've done and get curious on it and go in with curiosity. Oh that's a we other side,

That's so true, and I think just with the relationships, it's really important to be able to have these conversations because there's so much gross and learning in relationships. It's they are such our biggest teachers, and if you can use the lessons that you learn from all of the discomfort that comes up, you'll be such a better version of yourself for it.

And that's why we wanted to.

Normalize this conversation of just knowing there's nothing to be shameful about around any behavior that you've done in the past that has come up, but utilize it as a way to go, hey, this is data on how I show up in the moments I'm triggered, so that you can go next time, Okay, who do I want to be in the moment, Because it's in those moments where you're going to become the woman that you say that you want to be, but not actually just say it, you'll actually embody her.

And that's ultimately where where we want to help you.

Get one hundred percent. Now, Also, one more thing before you the podcast, So if you guys haven't seen on our social media, we are now going to be uploading four times a week Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. And a new segment is like a bestie's advice section. We found with Freaki Friday, we were getting quite a few submissions that were more women asking for help. What would you girls do? Can you help me with this? What's your perspective? I need best the advice and that kind

Yeah, it's going to be really raw, off the cast kind of advice, but again, that's exactly what we would do for each other. And especially if you don't have anybody to lean on at the moment, you feel like the people around you are too close to the situation, or maybe you don't even want them to know about the situation that you're dealing with.

It can be really challenging to go through those things alone.

So we just want to bring in a place where you can come, you feel safe bring it in. And also it's anonymous, so we can't even see who brings it in, so you'll be completely.

Protected in that way.

But we want you to have a place to come, bring it in and feel safe enough to talk about So beautiful.

I feel like even sometimes you have friendships that you love, but they don't give the best advice. Yeah, I know, I've got different friends for different reasons. Some I'm like, if I want my ego stroke or go to her to be challenged, I'll go to her, you know, and all beautiful, but knowing that you can just come here, you're safe, there's no judgment. We're just giving out honest advice that we would literally give to each other. It's cool.

Be next Tuesday, yay.

Otherwise, we'll see you Wednesday. Bye guys. Babe,