Apogee Production. Welcome to the she Risers Podcast. I'm Ashi and I'm Tiana.
This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone else is too afraid to talk about. Get ready for your next level of self. Hello everybody, Welcome back to a Wednesday episode with and Ashi. Miday's topic is gonna ruffle a few feathers.
We love to do that, as you guys know, Yeah, and you know.
What willet ruffle feathers? Or is it just a topic that everyone has very different opinions on, so let's get straight into it. I reposted this quote that I was like, fuck, yeah, that's awesome, but boy did it get some pushback. Fifty percent were like WHOA not actual? Really more? I reckon seventy five percent of moms we're like, oh my god, yes,
wiping up with like the clapping emojis. And then there was a couple that were like totally on the other end and fully disagree with it and voice their opinions. And I loved it. It was cool to hear everyone's perspective and anything around motherhood. Everyone's got their own way. Oh yeah. Everyone thinks they know what is best. What makes a good mum, what makes a bad mum? What's the right way to do things? And I don't think
it's the one size fits all. I think your family, your values, your relationship, your children, your finances, it's all so different. So how can you say one way is the right way to do things? Yeah? Anyways, the quote said the world needs more mums who go after their dreams because our kids are watching. Oh I love that. I love it. That's the best. So true. Yeah, I
did not watch my mum follow her dreams. The pushback that I got, I wrote down one of them because I think it would help this conversation to give more context Where she was at. She said, I disagree, our kids need more present mums. I could not care less what my mum did for a career. What I remember is her being there for everything. We were her world, and we need to normalize more of this. And I was like, hmm, good point. I see both sides. Yeah,
but my side. I wanted to talk about more growing up my mom worked a lot because she had to. She didn't have a choice. It was survival. Like, she did not have much money. She was the main breadwinner. My stepfather was always getting fired and in out of jobs and just living his best life really, so my mom was always making sure that we had food on our plate, and we got to go to school, and we got to do dancing and all the things that we wanted to do. So I watched my mom never
prioritize herself. She was always drained, always tired, probably resentful, always in survival mode, never thriving. And I'm so grateful for everything she did for us in the life she provided and how she did what she could with what she had. Of Course, however, I would have loved to see her lit up with a hobby. I would have loved her to come home from work and for her to share her day and say, today, it was amazing,
we did this, we did that, we did that. But whenever I asked when I'm about her work, it's like, oh, another stressful day, like this person say this, and I was dealing with this amount of money, and it was just was never positive. Yeah, I never remember my mom just like loving her work so that created stories to me that you get a job to pay bills. Yeah, that's what life is. You get a job and it doesn't matter if you're happy, you enjoy, you get to
pay bills. So I grew up with that belief, and I grew up watching my mom never happy because I'm like gone the full opposite. Yeah, I agree with this quote. I want my kids to see and for it to be normal for them to find what they love doing. Yeah,
how it can make impact and make money from it. Yeah, absolutely, create a dream, create a life where you get to wake up every day excited to go to work, because guess what, most of us are spending more hours working, not what we are doing anything else in our life from sleeping. So you want to enjoy for her. Yeah, And I want my kids to see that it's normal for mom and dad to go to date night, to spend time with each other, to prioritize each other.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm a girl, so I can only speak on my behalf. But I want my little girl and my little boy to see how important connection, relationships and friendships are. Yeah, my mom has no friends. Yeah, she hasn't had friends for a very long time. She got burned a couple of times, and like that was it. Yeah, friendship is so important to me. My friends literally have saved my life more than they would ever know.
Yah.
I want my kids to see how much I pour into my friendships and how important they are and how much they hold me through some really tough time.
Yeah.
I want all of that to be normal. So if I want that to be normal for them and for them to never feel guilty or shameful or uncomfortable around any of that, I have to lead the way. I have to show them. So my head, that makes total sense. But I hear this other woman who you know, was so grateful that her mum was just there for literally everything. Yeah, I love that for her, and I think that's so beautiful. But why can't we have a beautiful balance of both? Yeah,
And that's my question, And I believe we can. I believe I'm doing all of that. And I also have never missed a school. I've chosen a career and a job and a business, and I've sacrificed a lot to be in a position that i can do all the things I want to do, not miss anything with my kids' school. Yeah, show me the mom. I want to be and show them that they too can have their cake and eat it. You know, why can't we have it all? We have
this beautiful blend of it both. And there's different seasons where work definitely takes up more of my capacity for sure, and there's different seasons where I'm full deep in motherhood. Yeah, especially like the newborn stage when they're going through something or they're sick, or they're just needing you more emotionally. There's different seasons for it all. But yeah, I love to challenge this old, limiting, disordered belief around you can't have it all.
It's almost like it has to be one way. It's like it has to be all this way or all the opposite way. There's never any like middle ground or where you kind of are learning to like what you were saying, sometimes you're more motherhood, sometimes you're more business based on what needs you at that given time. So it's like everything I've I mean, I don't know because I'm not a parent, but I imagine it would be ever interchanging.
It is always, yeah, die every week, every month, every year. I could imagine.
And you know what's interesting, Like my mom was very similar, Like my mom didn't work. But my mom was a full time care for five children, so I'm one of five, and I never watched her grow up having friends or hobbies or things that really lit her up. She was
just very much motherhood and like same thing. Like even I say to her now, I'm like, I would love to see her do something that actually lights her up and makes her super happy, because, like what you said, you have to be the example of that so that
your children then believe that that's possible too. Yes, you know, and how cool would that have been, even though I chose something different than what my mom has in terms of prioritizing friends and being really important just like you and have experienced it in my real life, like how beautiful having friends are, having hobbies, having a career, like all of those things, how much they make me me?
And I could imagine that would only help me pour into being a mom so much more because I'd be able to show up better, happier, I'm more lit up. I'm also more creative. I also get to like pour that then into them and go, these are some really beautiful traits about me because of what I've chosen. This is something you had to have for yourself as well.
Just think it's so important it is, You're so right, it needs to be like one way or the other. And where did that come from? Yeah? Like where has that stemmed from? I don't know.
I feel like it would be personal beliefs, people's own shame and judgment around what they're allowed and not allowed to do based on what they've seen, Yeah, or grown up having or not having.
You know, it's interesting and there's obviously so many projections online. It's like every time I go away with Steep or even on a date night, not as much date nights anymore, but every night again. But if I go away with him for a stay k oh, I'm the worst mother on earth. Like, oh, she's always leaving her children behind. And like, obviously I come to Britain. I do travel for work, But yes I do, and I love it. I'm not gonna have the best. I'm not gonna deny
I love going over my girlfriends. Yeah for a stay k or a holiday, I'm not denying that. I love it. Why can't I love that? Just because I'm a mum, I have to let go of everything else that I enjoy. Yeah, I'm not going to feel bad for that, and I don't feel bad for that, and you know, it's crazy as well.
It's like, this is a huge generalization, by the way, but you see a lot of women who lose themselves in potentially motherhood or being the household caretaker and not really providing anything for themselves and being wildly unhappy, being miserable, depressed. One's precious, that's right, you know. And it's like, now you're in this life that you're living. And not to say that you don't love being a parent, you do.
They're your absolute world. They're your absolute world. But it's like there's a part of those women who are also craving something bigger, something deeper, a different aspect of life, creativity, to have their confidence back all of those things. It's a tough thing when there's a lot of judgments around what you should shouldn't do when it has nothing to do with anybody else.
I was talking to Taylor, my coach, about it the other day. So he's got three children, three young children, and they own Native State and calling Uttah and him and his beautiful fiance working it together, and we were having this discussion around mums that a stay at home mums, and he's like, there's only so much Google Gaga that you can do all day before you get to go on saying yes, yes, you can love it so much, but you can love being a mum. But you don't
have to love every single moment. It is so okay. If anyone's told you otherwise, this is your full permission, slip. It's okay for you to enjoy other things. Yes, even okay, just for you to want some time out by yourself.
Yeah. And you know what's interesting as well, Just because you feel guilt doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing.
Yes, that's such a good thing, right.
Because let's put this in a different perspective. When you put a boundary in with somebody, you're gonna feel guilty if you're not used to doing it. But it doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing. It actually means it's the right thing. It's just shows you how much you've abandoned yourself up until that moment.
Mic drop right. Wow, same thing with parenting.
Again, This is speculation from me because I don't have children, right, so I can only say so much. But in terms of that doing the same thing and feeling that sense of guilt doesn't mean that you're wrong because.
You feel it.
It's because you actually care.
You love your children.
You want to spend every time with them, all of your time with them. Yeah, but you're allowed to have time for yourself as well. And the more that you do, I'm sure the better parent you're going to be, the better partner you're going to be. How much kinder you're going to be to yourself when you can actually pull back into yourself.
When you go with your friends, Like say, I go with my friends, I go for a stay care with Steve, or I come up here, I go to Bali, I do something without my children. I can go away and enjoy that and still miss the absolute fuck out of them, and I do every time. But that's okay. I will survive. Yeah, you know me going away for a week in their lifetime is a short amount of time in the span
of things. Yeah, it really is. I wanted to bring this into conversation because I know so many women listening are mums, and so many of us have been told by our moms, or our grandparents, or society, social media, other people that you're a bad mum for doing X y Z. You're not Yeah, I'm gonna tell you over and over again. I will have this conversation forever. You're
not a bad mum. If you want to go on a date night, have a hobby, have a career, try something new, or you feel like you need a fucking break, it does make your bad mum. You're a human having a human experience, and you're allowed to enjoy different things,
and you're allowed to change your mind as well. You might have loved being a mother full time stay at home care for the first three years, and then you decide, actually, I want to go back in the workplace, and you put the one day here for two days a week, and you go back to the workplace and you start having some income for yourself for so explore new study or whatever. Like. You're allowed to change your mind.
You're allowed to have adult conversations.
You are allowed to have adult conversations. Yes, one hundred percent. So yeah, motherhood. It's a very controversial topic and it always gets pushed back, and there's just so many opinions around her. But I love this girl's comment because I love that her mum was able to be there for her, and I love that she felt so cared for and loved and it looks so different to my upbringing. But
there's not one right or wrong. I would love to interview her mom and see where she was at that whole time and where she's at now, Like my mum. In hindsight now, she's like, I wish I took more time for myself. We talk about it now, like she does not even think she is worthy of going to get a massage. She's so aware of the old conditioning. Yeah. And she's like, I'm so glad that you have broken that cycle and normalize, and she goes, I can see how much you value yourself and I just love that
for you. I'm like, fuck, yeah, I'm worthy of a massive you work hard, I'm worthy of relaxing.
Yeah.
And I joke about it with her and she's like, I just wish I could get to that point. I'm super aware of it. But in hindsight now she's like, I just wish I did things so differently. Yeah, And you know, you only know what you know, and they didn't. That generation especially didn't have access. We spoke out this the other day to life coaches, to YouTube to podcaster people openly talking about therapy and working through their childhood traumas and all that stuff. So they did the best
they can. But she's like, I'm just so glad that you can show your kids a different way to do things. And she even said to me she definitely had a bit of resentment around like kids, yeah, because it was everything she wanted and more like she wanted to be in mu more than anything in the whole entire world. But it doesn't mean it's not hard, no, not that who The thing that you always say to me is like, you can say something and it doesn't have to mean something,
or you can feel something. Yeah, you don't have to act on it. You can feel something and it doesn't have to mean anything deeper. Yeah you know.
Yeah, you can have a moment and it can just be present in that moment. It exists in that moment, and then five minutes later you think and feel something completely different.
And that's motherhood in a nutshell. It's like, my fucking kids are driving me up the wall, like get me back to bowing, and then they come over and like love your mommy, Like, oh my god, I love you your mom so much, not for thinking why didn't hear that?
Or they're like napping and you're taking photos of them like you're can't fare my everything.
Literally, it's like that gets to be there, just allow all to be there.
It's that learning how to flow with each emotion that comes forward. And just when you learn to process emotion in the moment, whether good or bad or heavy, yes, then you allow that natural flow of like hey, this moment, I feel happy, and inn this moment I feel sad, and then this moment I'm laughing, and you just go on the natural flow of those emotions.
That doesn't are wrong or right. It's literally just an emotion. Just your experience doesn't define who you are. Not at all depressed, angry, frustrated, so be joyful, guilty whatever. Yeah, yeah, it's just an emotion that you're feeling. Comes up and then it goes just like a crashing wave. Yeah, if you watch an it gets to its peak, like we get to our peak, crashes down. Then it smooths out in him and then you're happy, and then you eat snacks. Then you're off for a local love. Then you call
your best friend and you're fine. Yeah yeah, that's right. Yeah, and then the ways come together.
Yeah, and then that's right, and one minute it was a ten minute voice message about what was happening, and then the next week's I want to go for a walk.
Literally, oh my gosh. So yeah, I don't be there. I'm glad we brought this in and I hope it inspires moms out there to create a different path, to do things differently, to be a trialbilizer. And like, imagine if you decided to do something, how many other mums will then see you do them be like, oh my god, if she can do it, I need to do it. Yeah, she gets to live that life. Hell yeah, yeah, I want to live that life. I want to create that for myself too. Now you show me it's possible.
And you know what's beautiful is like you only need one person to be evidence of what you want.
To be true and possible for you.
And that's the whole point of like parenting, right, is that you come together with your partner to create a new way of being. Yeah, you're choosing to do things different. If you don't like something that you were raised or something that you're taught, you have absolute choice and autonomy over choosing something new for yourself and your family.
How fun is that? It's so fun? It's so freeing.
The thought that you get to have choice in that matter of what you get to choose, teach, and create is so fun to me.
Yeah, so freaking cool. So I hope this lands for any mum's out there. Otherwise we'll see in the next episode. Bye.