Appogiae production. I think triggers is a really cool conversation to have around relationships, because no matter who you're with, you're going to get triggered about something. And there's obviously a lot of unpack as to where those triggers have come from. So maybe I'll start off with my biggest trigger, where it came from, and how it's affected Steve and I and the hardship we've had to go through to work through it. Okay, so my biggest trigger is alcohol.
It's no news to anyone that I'm not a drinker. I don't like alcohol. I really don't see any positives in it. I've only ever had traumatic events and not nice times with alcohol. I find it very disconnecting. I find it very bad for the health. I don't feel good on it. I don't like being around people that are really intoxicated. I don't know when people have like a drinker too, When people get drunk, I'm like, ooh, it's just not my vibe and energy I like to
be around. But growing up, my stepfather was a massive alcoholic and he was very abusive. My mum was also quite a heavy drinker. I think just to like numb out and just try and survive and get through each night, use it to relax whatever. That my Yeah, my stepdad was super abusive, Like I just remember him throwing things and hitting us and just yelling all the time, and it just was not a good time. It was like that sober, but then drinking was like a whole new level.
Yeah.
And then like a lot of my high school girlfriends were very big drinkers, and I was always one looking after them and like holding their hair back. And I know that, like people think that's normal and that's like what happens when you're younger, but I don't know. I just found that really hard to watch my friends just get so wasted. Yeah, And I just felt like they had no love for themselves and for their bodies. It
just wasn't something I went down. So when I went with Steve, I definitely like went out and drank and stuff and got drunk whatever. I'm not saying I've never drank, Like plenty of times I've been drunk or whatever. But with him, for the first couple of years, it was kind of fun. Like we were young, went out clubbing, had our fun, blah blah blah, went to festivals, all
the time. It was cool. But then as I got a bit older and got a bit more connected to myself, and then just saw how we were both showing up when we were not only drinking but hungover, and like the weeks following. It wasn't just that day, You're in a lower state for the week, Like we weren't showing up being the best versions of ourselves. I just found like each time we were drinking, we would be fighting yeah okay, over like something small, something big, and it
would just like ruin the whole week. Yeah, And I don't think we had the tools to kind of work through it and move through it quick either, So it was always like a long, dragged out thing.
Ye.
And Steve has never had like an addiction to alcohol whatever, but for him it was the complete opposite growing up, He's only had positive experience with the alcohol. It was always fun for him. Yeah, there was never any trauma. There's never any fights with ex girlfriends. It was always just like fun and how he connects with the boys, And in Australian culture that's very common, like men connect through drinking and and like hanging out. Yeah, when I
was really like, I don't like drinking. I don't like you drinking. I don't like how we are we're together and drinking. There was quite a bit of resistance, and then over the years it just got more and more that I just really didn't want to be around alcohol when I'm sober and he's drinking. He's not even bad when he drinks. He's not rude, he's not aggressive, he's not anything bad quote unquote, but he's just not Steve.
And isn't it hard?
Because for him it's like this fun, yeah thing that really enjoys, so he can let his hand out.
And for you, it's just like traumatizing.
It brings you back to the worst time of your life, and for him it's like reliving the best times in his life.
Yeah. So it's like there's so much to unpack there, and we've had so much like cool therapy on our own and separately and together. And you know, for me, I knew that a lot of this was my own triggers. But I also knew that as I've gotten older, like I really don't like being around alcohol, and that's okay, it is, and that's what I value. And you know, over the last couple of years, he's really realized he
doesn't value it either. And all the things that he values in life energy, sleep, love and connection, me feeling safe, my nervous system, being a really good dad, having energy, looking after his body, like, that's what things he values and alcohol doesn't match that. So for the last like year and a half, he's probably drank and I'm being drank by having like two drinks maybe like three or
four times. Yeah, because it's really not a part of his life anymore, and it is hard for him, I think, because like obviously boys do connect with drinking, a lot of men do, and he doesn't really go out and do that stuff anymore. But it's brought us so much more closer and so much more connected, and it's been really healing for me also to have the safe space to unpack that trigger from my childhood and from what comes up for me because he's holding it there and
he's there with me through it. Yep.
So how's Steve going with his friendships?
Because I feel like so when Kurt was boxing, he stopped drinking for like six months to a year, and he said it really highlighted to his.
True friends work because a lot of his friends just want to.
Go out and get shit faced, Like, has Steve noticed a bit of a shift with that look?
He always says like he still loves his friends whatever, but there isn't a lot of common ground. Yeah, So whether they don't have kids or whether they do just like to go out and continue drinking. Like, there's just a lot of common ground, and he is good. It's just like to be honest, like, even if they weren't drinking, I was gonna be bit home with my family on the weekend.
Oh that's nice because I'm just a homebody.
Like, because I'm always encouraging him, like go out and see your friends doing something, but he's like, actually want to be here with you guys. So it's been really nice journey for us. But there's definitely been some really hard times where I've been super triggered and Steve's been drinking more than what feels nice to me, and we've had to work through that and really talk about things
and go through some hard times. But like anything, I'm just so grateful for it because every time there's a hard time, like you know, whether we got help professionally or we work through it together, it just makes us so much stronger. Yeah, and I come out feeling so much more connected and heard and safe and just like more in love with him.
Yeah, which is really cool.
Nice. So, but yeah, that was definitely my biggest trigger. And I think because I didn't heal it with my stepdad that's why it showed up on this relationship too. It's like that, you know, life keeps teaching you the same lessons until you heal it.
Yeap, Like, well, isn't it funny one of my like, well, my biggest trigger is also the same sort of thing, Like it all stems from something.
Of course I can experience. Hey, totally don't heal it. It's just going to keep showing up in two ways.
And say, like say if I was to break up with Steve because you know, we were fighting and drinking whatever, If I didn't heal that, the next person the same, she's going to come up in a different way, you know what I mean, Like, it's the responsibility to heal that, and you can still communicate what you want and what you don't want, Like I wouldn't be with someone now if they were a heavy drinker, if that was Steve
or someone else. And I've said that him as well, Like if you ever wanted to go back into being a heavy drinker. I don't judge you for it, like, go live your life, but it's just not how I.
Want to live.
So we're not aligned anymore. But you know, having those conversations.
Holding your boundaries. You can still have some drinks, you can still do a thing, but I just don't want someone.
But it made him go, yeah, oh shit, okay, what do I actually value? Is this even aligned with me? And he's like, fuck, I actually don't want to do it anymore. But yeah, for years it was great experience and fun whatever. That's probably my biggest trigger and lowest times have come from alcohol.
Yeah, so my biggest trigger would be trust. Oh okay, so growing.
Up I feel like probably my trust was broken a lot. I feel like there's a lot of empty promises. Definitely our biggest fight. So say, for example, if we went out one night and I said to like, oh, babe, how many beers if you had? When I came home and he told me had too, but he'd actually had six.
When a man says three beers, it's like actually six, it's like double.
That's undehiny little perspective, and that's this still to this day, trust is such a huge value for me, so huge and at the start, so Kurt says to me, now, he's like, I wish all those years ago, I just knew well that she was tell the truth.
He goes, I was worried. I was scared that you were gone. He's like, now I can tell you anything and he knows he won't get in trouble.
Yeah.
I might not agree with it, but it's not going to be.
But if you're upset for that moment, totally, it's like, let me be grumpy for that day and then but if you lie to me, it's like then it's.
The chance is the trust is so massive.
So yeah, back in the day, it was kind of like that, like him just lying to me about like nights out with the boys and stuff like that, which we were so young.
We've been together since we were so young. That's gonna happen.
But I feel like our lowest points have been around trust. I feel like that is such a huge trigger for me. I feel like when we were younger, we went through a phase where I was very codependent on him, and I feel like that's when the trust was being broken because I was nearly like coming across needy.
This was years ago and controlling of.
Most yeah, and then what happened was complete one eighty. I feel like, not even that long ago, probably like five years ago, Kurt kind of became really needy on me, like maybe when we I don't know why. I think once I became a mum, I just got really like independent and I felt so much I.
Don't know, I just felt so much more confidence, so.
Much more sure of myself, and I think he was just, oh my gosh, so he kind of twisted and he became the one who was more.
Before that, we were fine, like we worked through it.
But then and I feel like when somebody is more codependent on the other, I feel like it's just a really yucky space to be in.
I really don't like it.
I don't like when I've ever felt needy to Kurt, and I hate when he feels hate strong word I hate. But I really dislike when he is needy to me as well. I really don't like that feeling at all. I feel like, again it's not having trust, it's going back to that same thing though probably when I think about it, you know, in.
Not having your own back and confidence and independence is like really attractive.
Yes, it is sexy.
It is sexy.
Masculine independence, Yeah.
That's when it flipped, Like I know, so I feel like that's something we've had to work on. I feel like, you know, depending on what situation you're in, even just like with your masculine and feminine energy.
Yeah, isn't that so important. There's something that I feel like only in the last couple of years people are really talking about it. I know. It's been a huge thing that I've loved learning about and learning about myself, learning about Steve and how the polarity when it comes together.
Very controversial topic though, have you noticed.
A little bit, Yeah, get very offended. But I never like, I'm never putting down the feminine or the masculine. No, both of us carry both energies, and it's really important to honor both. But at your core, you are more than one the other. So when you're leaning more to
the opposite, you don't feel as good. Like I'm feminine at my core, but I feel like parenting and running a business and dealing with finances, having deadlines like that, it's very masculine, get shit done kind of energy, and I love that about myself wouldn't be doing what I am without it, that beautiful, feminine, flowy soft like I love that and Steve loves that, and it does bring that polarity together and it kind of lights you up and brings us spark back in.
And it takes both people.
If one starts to become more feminine, then the other one becomes more masculine one.
That's what we find so like.
It's such a balancing act because if one's starting to act more one way, it just makes it worse.
It highlights it.
Yes, so agree with that.
It's so good to learn about it, though, isn't it so interesting