Apologie production saying sorry. Yeah, when was the last time you said a genuine, beautiful apology not a half fast or so? I was about that, Yeah, so rewind it back. For me, I've had to really work on how to say beautiful, genuine apologies because growing up I wasn't wrong modeled that. And not to blame my parents, but it's just factual. I didn't see my parents say sorry to
each other. I didn't see them saying sorry to me, So it was quite uncomfortable when when I first got with Steve, Like, saying sorry to him was really awkward and I just didn't know how to go about it, and I was kind of stuck in my own head. Obviously that was a long time ago. Yeah, back in my day, sixteen years ago. But yeah, we're having these conversations around how important it is to say a genuine apology and how much it can bring you closer or separate your actions.
And leave those niggly feelings of being pissed at each other rather than actually like getting through a good apology and coming out the other end feeling more connected.
You hold resentment, you really do, and it builds up over time as well. Yeah, where you can squash something so quickly with a genuine apology, and you think about it, most people like they really want to be seen, heard and validated. And even if someone's done something really awful to you, if they are genuinely sorry, like you can forgive them. You can move past things, because we're all humans. Humans are messy and we make mistakes. But with a genuine apology, it heals. Yeah.
And it's also about holding yourself accountable and knowing that even if you know the way someone's done something isn't the way that you would have liked it, that that's their way of doing it, yes, and learning to accept that and validate that and drop expectations.
Now everyone's going to show up the way that you show up, or do things the way you're going to do. But yeah, really taking that ownership if you do do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, fuck up, own it and be able to apologize genuinely. So I wanted to role play with me. Okay, you've done something really awful, said something, done something, give me a really shit shitty apology.
Oh well, I'm sorry I said that. Sorry if that offended you, Yeah, and I giving you a really nice one. Oh, babe, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to come across that way. I understand how you're feeling, but when that happened in that moment, I felt really angry. So I probably said it in a way that I shouldn't have, and I feel really bad about that. So I'm really sorry if it made you feel upset in any way, Like how can we move through this? What could I
do better next time? And just tell them how much you value them?
Love that? And if you guys could see the energy and her body language behind both the first one was like upright and rigid, and like the hands were waving and like the nose was scoched up, sussy as fuck. I love it when she softened to whole body soften, your voice soft and your tone soften. And that's something that we should really touch on, is like when you are giving an apology, your tone behind it and your language behind it and your body language behind it actually
gonna say a lot more. Yeah.
You know what I noticed too, is when I was doing the role plays really helped us out here. When I was the first one, I wasn't looking at you in the eye because I even felt uncomfortable doing it. But then when I did the genuine apology, I was actually speaking from my heart.
I had eye.
Contact with you, but the first one I kept looking away.
And body language is really important and tone, like someone could say, oh, I'm really sorry, but if their body language is like arms folded, yeah, looking away, like kind of like an eye roll or taking a big breath or something, what's another example of bad body language or TONEAD.
Body language or tone the little emphasizes on words like oh sorry.
Yeah, that kind of tone or like oh what I am sorry, but youah blah blah blah blah, putting it back on them sorry, And then you're saying, but if you didn't do that, you're putting all the blame on them, so then they don't feel heard. It's not a proper apology you were saying sorry. It is all about you. You're owning what you've done. You're honoring that person, and
you're trying to repair and bring it back together. And I think you've got to remember too, when you're in an into a relationship or even if this is friendship or coworker's like, I remember, you're on the same team. It's not you against them, it's you guys against the prob. Yeah. Something means Steve always say like if we get heated, we're like, hey, this isn't us. We've got a problem we're frustrated with, Like let's come together instead of like
you know, going head to heads. Yeah, sometimes when it gets heated and one or two people aren't taking responsibility, it can feel like that.
Yeah, And I feel like too, it's easier in a way to keep being rude because for a lot of people to express how they're actually feeling and not know how the other person is going to react. It's also I feel like there's more bravery behind a sincere apology too.
Definitely not knowing.
If you want to get shut down, because there's been times like I can even reflect on different stories you've told me where you've given a sincere, great apology and then someone shut you down back, but you have the weight off your shoulders because you have done the right thing in that moment.
Another point that's just popped up for me too, is when you are going in to say sorry, you have to have zero expectations of how that person's going to respond. You're not going in there to get anything back. No, if you are it's almost like you're trying to do a business deal like contract or something. You're genuinely going in to say sorry. That is it.
You're clearing your own heart.
Yeah, regardless of their response.
How they react is on them. How they respond is on them.
And it's their experience, their feelings and their own stuff to deal with.
Yeah, and their capacity. They might not have the capacity that you do or the self awareness that you do. Exactly, I'm how to give a sincere apology.
And some people can't meet you where they haven't met themselves. Yes, No, I'm really really good at saying sorry, guitar. If I lose my cool or raise my voice, I'm very quick to repair. And I think that's really important too, Like you can't expect yourself to be perfect all the time. You're gonna make mistakes, You're gonna upset people, You're gonna say things in the heat of the moment, or say things that could have been worded differently. It's just once
again part of the human experience. We are messy. Humans are messy. But the repair with kids I think super important, not only to role model them to normalize saying sorry, but also just to bring that connection back in.
Yeah, and that validation to them. And I feel like when we were growing up, you never saw people apologizing to kids. It was like, that's the way we doing the house, that's that's.
Final, where I'm right, you're wrong. I feel like it.
Must feel so beautiful for them that like their mum and dad come up to them.
But I imagine so imaginous.
But I feel like that's a majority of the populations.
This is no judgment. I love talking about this, but there's no judgment against our parents because they were not right. They didn't have the skills, they didn't have the knowledge, they don't have podcasts to listen to and people to coach them through. We know better, so we can do better, and then we're breaking those cycles for our children as well. So it's so normal now for me to say sorry into like for stories to be in our household, that when Taj grows up, that's just going to be normal.
If he does the wrong thing or says the wrong thing, I upset someone, I'm hoping he will. That's just natural for him. So when I lose my temper or raise my voice or just say something that came out wrong, I'll get down on Targe's levels. I'll always lower myself to his eye contact, look him in the eye, hold his shoulders, and be like, I'm so sorry. That was not your fault. I'll always take full ownership for it. Not your fault that mummy yelled I should have taken
big breaths. I'm feeling really, really tired, and that's not an excuse. But next time when I feel like this, I'm going to take some time out and go do some breathing, or I'm going to make sure they look after myself a little bit better. But that is not on you. And I'm really sorry that you know you felt that. Yeah, And most of the time it's like it's okay. I'm like, no, I'm genuine latime, are you okay? It's so like forgiving, aren't they know? And then with
Steve it's the same thing. I feel like the times, I definitely still sometimes catch myself giving shitty apologies, Like an example, when I'm really tired and I've snapped at them for something and I'll just be like, oh, sorry, babe, I'm just like I'm on my period, I'm really tired. Yeah,
I was like, no, that's an apology. Ash and I'll catch myself and I'm like, go back five minutes later, yeah, maybe ten, He'll say twenty later, and I'll snuggle in and get close, like bring that physical connection and be like, babe, I'm really sorry, Like, yeah, I shouldn't have raised my voice at you. I am on my period, I'm really tired, but I need to remove myself from the situation and just go, like take a moment or communicate with you
how I'm feeling better. Yeah, so I'm really really sorry.
One that gets me still is like certain things with the kids and pairs, and I feel like that can be a bit of a hot topic sometimes and like curl do something and I'll go, oh, well, I'm sorry, but like we should do it this way, like or I'm sorry or blah blah blah, and it's like, no, that's not the right way to say it. But then I think the biggest thing is having the self awareness and then looking at it from the bigger picture. Whether it takes ten minutes, sometimes it might take a day.
It might be real heated, and then you go week, okay, yeah, I've got to go back now and actually give this sincere apology.
Definitely, yeah, it can take a little while for you to even process something. Yeah, it might have been laying in bed a week later and.
Just be like fuck, yeah, wow, I could have actually.
Said that better. Or sometimes i'll have a conversation with a girlfriend or listen to something in a podcast and they'll explain something. I'll be like, oh, I remember that conversation. Man, I would have done that so differently. So I'll go revisit the conversation with Steve and be like, fuck, remember when I said that I didn't actually mean it like that. That must have been really hurtful. How I feel for you and open that up, and then he might be like, yeah, fuck,
didn't feel good when you said that. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, I'm really sorry. I'm going to try really hard to word that next time. I've got it more vocabulary now, but I'm really sorry if that hurt is not what I meant. And then even if someone comes to you, let's say, for example, you came to me instead you know, really upset me when you did X y Z. Even if I didn't have any bad intentions, it's still an
opportunity for me to repair. Yeah, And it's still an opportunity for me to connect and build that trust with you and say wow, Wow, I'm really sorry that you felt like that. That was not my intention at all, and I'll be really mindful next time to word that differently. Yeah, it's just the language and the tone that you're using and the eye contact, the body language making them feel safe that they can't come to you to express how they're feeling, even if it's got nothing to do with
you or you didn't mean to. Yeah, but it's such an important life skill that all of us need. Yeah, everyone wants to be seeing her and validated. Yeah, if you want to see more apologies and more people treating you like this, be the change. You've got to do that too.
They'll marry you. When she did that to me, she came to me and said, sorry, I probably.
Owe a good apology for that. Yeah, it's cool when you take time to do things like meditate, slow down, and journal, because things like this can come up, pop up, and a lot of time you might even carrying a bit of shame and embarrassment around something you've said or done, even if it's years later. I saw something and now
grow and go for them. Actually, and it was a girl basically saying that she had a falling out with her friends a long time ago, and now she'd like to go back and say sorry, but it's been so long, and a lot of the advice was, now, I don't go back there, don't say anything, and she's got to do what feels good for her. But I was like, on reflection thinking about it, I was like, I think that would be really nice if she just popped them a message. There's no expectations for them to write back.
They probably won't, but for you to just be like, hey, seven years ago when our friendship blah blah blah, whatever happened, I'm really sorry for the way that I showed up. I did the best I could with what I had, but I know better now and I wouldn't do it like that. I wouldn't need to know like I.
See you, and even for them to know playing on their mind, yeah, you know, like so healing so beautiful.
And thing is, you don't know someone's background, you don't know their trauma. It's something that you might not be phased on, might be extremely traumatic from an event that's happened to them. Yep, they don't know how to handle it. So I still don't judge them for how they're responding or reacting because you don't know what that feels like for them.
Yeah, and so on apology to for a really reactive person, it might not be something that can happen face to face. For someone who's super reactive and might be writing them an email, writing them a letter, writing a text message, voice notes so then they can hear it in your sincerety in your voice still, But if someone's super reacted to, it's kind of you can still get off your own chest.
Yeah, it's so true. Different people are going to have different ways that they like to have conversations and feel heard and feel safe, and even some people just find face to face conversations really confronting totally, So prefer a voice note where they can take their time to think about what they're going to say and make sure they are wording it right. And that's not a bad thing either. That's what they need to do to be able to
voice something in a nicer way. Good on them for having the self awareness to be like, I can't do face to face right now, but this is important to me. Every human is just so different. Hey, Yeah, like even talking about this, you just think about every person you.
Know, different things that have happened in their life, the different quotes they've got
Things that have shaped them to be who they are and how they respond and the capacity they have to be able to hold