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People pleasing.
Yes, people pleasing. I feel like most women especially, Yeah, like we are all people pleasers. We've got tendencies. Some of us are on different ends of the scale. But let's chat about it, unpack it and find ways that you can start saying no and feel good about it. M hm. So people please. As someone who is like, their intentions are to always please other people at the
cost of whatever that means to them. Yeah, Like, even if it doesn't feel good for them, their whole goal is to just make sure everyone else is happy and.
Make sure everyone feels comfortable, make sure they're not fluffing any feathers, make sure there's no confrontation. I feel like it's as well to keep themselves safe.
One hundred percent. That's what they've learned to do, Yeah, as a child.
And they tend to sacrifice their own wants and needs above anyone else's. So even if they are run down, burnt out, don't have any capacity at all, they don't want to tell a friend no. They're going no, I don't want to do that. They'll think I'm a bad friend. They have these two es in their head that they're going to be a bad person by simply saying no.
Biologically, we are wired to want to be accepted into the tribe and to be part of the tribe. So a lot of us have you been taught by ca gibers or parents or society that if you don't be nice and you don't say yes to things, you'll miss out on opportunities. People weren't like you, they won't invite you again if you don't say yes. So we've got all these like old stories that are ingrained in us. So as adults now it's like, oh gosh, if I don't say yes, they might not like me, they might
not accept me. What if I don't get invited again? Like what if that oportunity never comes again? But even tho it doesn't feel right, what if I don't get that chance again? So we're living in fear, yeah, that if we don't say yes and please other people, that we're not going to be accepted and be a part of it all.
No, And I feel like this also goes back to the different generations. I don't know about you, but being brought up always use your manners, always be polite, don't speak up, don't question why people are doing things, that's classified as rude. Yea, even if what other people are doing is wrong or is hurting or upsetting us at.
The cost of your own happiness. And everything's at a cost, it was as yourself at what cost? So when you were saying yes to someone, whether that's to help them move, you know, houses, or to look after their puppy when they're away, or to do whatever, ask yourself, Okay, what does that feel good for me?
At what cost?
If I say yes to that, does that mean to miss out on time with my friends and family or does that mean I miss out on time working on my projects if I'm helping with yours? And in the long run, you're just living your life for literally every single person except for yourself. And guess what, No one's doing that for you. No, no, not for you.
They're not worrying about in it for themselves.
Everyone is in it for themselves. Uh huh. So you have to start saying no to other people so that you can start saying yes to yourself. Usually people pleases are people who struggle with confidence and need external validation and approval by friends and family. This is so true, Yeah, Like, it's such a true statement and I've spoken about this before as well, But I was such a people pleaser because I didn't think people actually liked me for me. Instead,
they liked what I could bring to the table. Yeah, and this is only my twenties too. You know, my business blew up. I grew a massive following. I had a lot of money back of my twenties. We were killing it too much that we didn't even know how to like handle the how fast our business was scaling. And I don't think I want to believe like none of my friends or people around me use me. But I had a story that people didn't like me for me,
they liked what I could bring to the table. So if I didn't say yes to things and come with everything there that they wouldn't like me. So I would just say yes to everything. I never would tune into like does it feel good for me to say yes to help that person with their business? Does it feel good for me to say yes to lend that person money? Does it feel good for me to be posting about that personal whatever? I never it was just always yes,
of course I'll help you. I'm that person, I'm the giver. I'm always there for everyone. Of course, I can help you like I want everyone to succeeed, I want everyone to be happy, and then it just burns you out. And like I said, I don't think anyone actually used me. Who knows, I'm not sure. But now it's like I say yes if it feels good for me. Of course, I love helping people, but it's not going to be
at the cost of my own business. No, at my own energy, at my own time with my family, and my own emotional wellbeing or mental health like that has to come first, otherwise I can't help anyone.
Yeah, I feel like I was people pleasing a lot surrounding work and my work ethic. I feel like I've felt very valued in that area of my life. Literally from the first time I ever got a job. I feel like I've always been a pretty hard worker. And looking back now in reflection, when we were even talking about this podcast episode, this is something that came to me throughout it and I was like, wow, I was that person's like, Oh I can work this that day.
I can do that. I can do that shift that no one else wants to do because I so valued that part of me and thought that if I didn't show up and set those boundaries that I wasn't as good of a worker, or I wasn't going to I don't know read.
It's part of your identity to be successful, available and like that girl that people can rely on.
And everyone always commented, everyone's like, gosh, it's such a hard worker. Gosh, like look at you, like you can juggle so many balls in the air, Like holy duly, you've done five dispenses today and you've done thirty like and I was like, oh wow, like I can do this, and I've got the energy, like I can actually do this. But then yeah, it got to a point where I was like at what costs? And I feel like I still to this day struggle with that. I'm getting so
much better now than what I was. But like, even when I look back at last year, it's that people pleasing around my work ethics because it's a part of my identity, and if I didn't do things a certain way or if I cut back on things, it made me feel like I was a failure. Growing up to a lot of people around me had their own businesses, and I saw them have everything happening in the way it's happening. I saw them work their absolute ass off and run
themselves to the ground. Multiple people around me that had their own business. So in my head, I was like, that's what you have to have, but you definitely don't. You have to at the start. You have to go through phases of that and different transitions and different areas, but you don't have to say yes to everything. You don't have to be like, oh, I can do this
and I can do that. You can go yeah nah, so yeah in my work area, I feel like that's somewhere where I've really kind of had struggled with that previously. So should had about how to progress forward something they're struggling with. So first thing is to recognize that you have got a choice and ask yourself the question at what cost? You might look at it and be like, yeah, Like, I'm gonna feel a bit tired, I'm gonna be pushing myself too much. But I feel like I've got the
capacity right now. I don't have young kids, i don't have this. All my kids are at school. I've got to hold a hand. Yet this is my season to go in on all this, or you might go, you know what I feel like right now is not the right time. I'm going to push back on this right now. So it's all about asking yourself these questions and sometimes as well to say to someone, can you just give
me a week to think about this. Can you give me a week to get back to you, or can you give me a day, depending on what it is to actually give yourself the time to go, ooh do I want to do this?
Yeah? Let me look at everything around me, let me see if this is fitting right now?
Yeah?
And that is so powerful just knowing that you have the choice, because you often hear people say my mom made me like help her move the house, or like, oh, my work colleague like made me do all this stuff. It's like, well, do they hold a gun to your head and say I'm gonna kill you if you don't do this. No, that's still a choice that you have said yes, I'll do that, or no, I actually can't do that. Yeah. If you cannot do something you don't want to do it, that is your choice.
Yeah, or even set your boundary, go, I can come for an hour and then that's all I've got. Like, I can come for one hour, then I really need some time with my family. Haven't seen my kids all day, Like alway. Yeah, so you can set the solid boundaries as well. So that's the best thing actually that I've learned is like as well, if you're having someone like come over and they like linger people pleasing hard, a
little bit off topic. But if you ever have that too, Like what we do is we'll be like, oh, we'll me out, or like let's go on a walk, or even if you want to have a hard conversation, I go on a walk so you can like go separate ways afterwards, you're not like stuck in this awkward energy.
So true, you set timeframes, like Kurt and I will do this with certain people, Like if I want to be like, oh I need to chat with this person, I will tell them I'll go on to walk with them, so like have a chat, or well go to a park.
So that you can exit when you need to.
That's it, honestly, rather than a.
Pleasing and not being able to communicate. Hey, we actually want to have our own time, now, can you sk it out a.
Lo out of that? Yeah, Or a lot of the time when we meet up with people, will do it outside the house. Yeah, because you might love it and you want to hang or invite them back. If you guys are having a great time, the kids are good in that, But if you're like going far out because you've had a huge week, don't know how they're going to be, what their capacity is going to be, like to meet at the park for a barbecue, meet down the beach for a swim.
Like parenting one oh one, Yeah, love it, but.
Then people pleasing too. You're kind of getting the best of both words. You're not putting yourself in a position where you don't have much controuble, or putting yourself in a bit of an awkward situation.
Yeah, where you feel awkward, you struggle to communicate, like we want to go, or.
If you're not super close to someone, yeah, yes, oh my gosh.
Like we said before, no one else is looking out for you, like you have to look out for yourself. You have to be your own best friend. And it's just always just asking what exactly feels right to me, because no one else can make that decision for you either. Yeah, So being solid in that and being your own best friend and.
Cheerleader, listening to your intuition, following that gut feeling.
Yes, not just doing what you've always done. He's done you gonna get the same result and you're going to feel the same And if you keep saying yes to everyone else too, I feel like not only are you letting yourself down, but you're also building out resentment against them as well, because you feel like they are using you or they are taking advantage of you. Like all that kind of language can pop up.
Aha, And you know what too, It feels yucky to tell someone no in the moment, but if you wait, how much yucky it does it feel if you say yes and then you've got to go ahead and do something that you don't want to do. Your heart's not in it. Like, I know it's tough in that moment to go like nah, Like I think I might miss out on this one. But how much harder is it when you say the wrong thing than what you actually.
We commit to something you don't want to go, and then you have to go to that event or whatever it is. I know, so much harder to actually go do that?
Is that old choose your herd you always talk about. Yeah, it's hard in the moment, but it's looking out for the future.
Yes, And I think we spoke about this previous episode, but I.
Think we chat about it yesterday when we're talking about this.
When you have strong boundaries, surrounding yourself with people that have strong boundaries and on themselves, it gets easy to say no because they get it. Yeah, that's say no.
They're not judging you no, because the.
People that struggle with your nose, you'll see, they struggle with their own boundary settings.
Projection is that. Yeah, like they struggle to say no themselves.
Yeah, they make the same because they don't have boundaries. Though they can't handle someone else having boundaries. It feels uncomfortable for them because it's quite a powerful thing for someone to be able to say no. Yeah, And they used to them saying yes and giving the into everything that when someone else does and it's like oh yeah oh and they almost like take offense to it. Yeah.
And another thing too, like if no feels a little bit too hard, like a stepping stone is like, oh, I might miss out this time. Next time, I'd love to come. If you want to invite me, like, I'll come then, So you can do a few little stepping stones rather be like no, which no is fine as well, but if you're feeling like, oh, that feels a bit harsh, I'd love to come next time, but this time, like you know, things are happening.
Or or do you ever feel like Sometimes I still catch myself like over explaining like oh I can't come because this happened, this happened, this happened, this happened. Yeah, where you should be able to just say no. So I still fluff around Sometimes I'm like, oh, next time, yet something I would love to come. I'm just so fucking it.
But it depends on the person. Again, I feel like, if it's somebody who like know, is not gonna be very happy about it, I'm so sorry.
If they're so excited to have you there or whatever. That's when I'm like, I do feel bad, but you still need to honest.
That's your own detriment. Yes. Another thing is to ask yourself, like, what is the worst that can happen? Yes, once you put that boundary place to say no, it's not like they're going to go, well, no, you're actually going.
To it, or we're not friends anymore.
I'm dragging you there, it's not gonna have yet, we're not friends anymore.
They did say that we're not friends anymore, then that's not the kind of friend that.
You're that's it, and that's wholly on them by you stick into your boundaries. It's got nothing to do with them. Their emotions and their emotions to manage, and yours are yours, and you're putting yourself first.
Yes, that's such a good question in any situation. Hey, I ask myself that all the time. If I'm scared of something like getting on stage and talking, what's the worst thing that can happen to me? Right now? I forget what I'm saying, I crack a joke saying and being honest, and I forget what I'm saying.
I fall over.
God, that would be a viral bit I leak with my period. Okay, pretty relatable. Most of my audience is probably going to be females. Is there anything else really bad that can happen? Probably? Not, Like it's not that bad when you think about it. No, But you get so worked up over situations.
It's a far or flight response to you know that you're wired that way and you can logically understand it, but it's telling yourself in those moments.
Emotional and logical just so far apart, sometimes oh so far apart. And yeah, yeah, But when you ask that logical question, what's the worst thing that can happen. It's like, oh, brings you back down to earth. It does not that bad. No, it's if that happens, cool, I've got a plan now I'll laugh about it. Yeah, and just remember, like were touched on as well, like how they respond is not
your issue. No, it's not your responsibility and it's not your problem unfortunately, and that's something they have to work on. And when you hold your strong boundaries and say no, you're also leading the way. You're also showing them how to have boundaries, how to say no, and you're giving them a permission slip that they too can do that. Yeah, so know that, like you're being an example for them.
They'll feel more safe next time they want to say no to you because she said my last time, Like, I'm just going to say no this time.
That's that a relationship that you're building, which is really cool because that's the relationship. If you're listening to this, I'm guessing that's sort of kind of relationships that you're wanting in your life. So hold the torch, be the leader and show them the way.