Conflict, Boundaries & HARD CONVERSATIONS: Our HOW TO GUIDE ✨ - podcast episode cover

Conflict, Boundaries & HARD CONVERSATIONS: Our HOW TO GUIDE ✨

May 04, 202525 minSeason 1Ep. 52
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Episode description

This is a topic we are always getting requests about , HOW to have the hard conversations with the people we love or people we dont love so much, its a part of all of our lives but why does it feel so damn HARD. We share how we do just that and some handy helpful tips to help you lean more into having the conversations you know you need to have🥺😮‍💨

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Transcript

Speaker 1

Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashley and I'm Tiana.

Speaker 2

This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.

Speaker 1

We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone else is too afraid to talk about.

Speaker 2

Get ready for your next level of self.

Speaker 1

Hello, everybody, Welcome back to another episode of She Rises Monday Morning. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome. Today's conversation is going to be all about hard conversations, conflict, boundaries, standards, how to have them, tips we've learned along the way, how early into them, what happens when you avoid them, and everything

in between. So this is a requested video. We actually did a little post in the she Rises community page and someone put this, I think actually two people did, and it's just a common theme in our dms of like, got to have this conversation with this person, how would you deal with this? And it's something unfortun all of us have to do. We all have to have a hard conversations. We're all learning how to have stronger boundaries, how to learn when people are crossing them and not

respecting them. So we're going to dive deep to that today. Good stuff. Yeah, but first of all, can entry Share of the Week.

Speaker 2

Yes, you want to go?

Speaker 1

Okay, I'll go first. So we just stopped into one of our favorite cafes here in Brisbane. It's called Evera, and I really love it because once it's a little health food shop. We've got little bits and pieces, like you can get your raw organic chocolate's there, organic meats, passes, sauces, some supplements, it's got smoothies, it's got coffees, and then it's got this buffet of food and the potatoes are

cooked in tallow and it's all healthy meats. Look, the breakfast I don't love that much, but the lunch is next level. So you just choose a tray and then you ask you choose whatever bits and pieces you want. They have a whole fruit buffet and just it's so delicious and it's so healthy. It's good that there's a real healthy option that you get to pick exactly what you want.

Speaker 2

The food is insane and really are so good and it's so different from anything else that you can buy around. Yeah, fast food, it's all clean. You can have as much as little as you want, and it's literally cooked in such good stuff that's so light on your tummy, it really is.

Speaker 1

That's my recommendation.

Speaker 2

Ever, I love the recommendation. So my share of the week is my sister Chantelle. So she is a health and fitness coach and she is honestly, she's got three kids, she looks incredible. She has gone through a whole journey of like binge eating, and she's like really good in terms of binge eating and food swaps and all that

sort of stuff. And I recently asked her. I was like, hey, can you help me with like my food and stuff like that helped me create like a bit of a plan so I can eat a little bit more high protein, high fat, that sort of thing. So I'm going to go on that journey with her very soon. And I've done it before with her once before when we were

really young, and I just remember feeling so good. So yeah, I would recommend her, especially if you're a mum, if you're maybe on the journey of pregnancy, or you're wanting just a little bit more support with binge eating or food or weight loss or anything like that. In the mindset around it. I think that's the biggest part. She's really good in terms of that as well. So you can find her at Chantal Green Coaching. H A N T E. L. Gruble E N Coaching.

Speaker 1

It really is amazing. All right, let's get straight into it. So we're going to talk about how to deal with conflict. Like I said before, this is something all of us have to deal with, whether it's with your partner, friendships,

co workers, people on the street, literally anyone. So I want to talk about a podcast I listened to the other day with Stephen Bartlett and his name was Jefferson Fisher and he is a lawyer and his dad was a lawyer and his grandpa was a lawyer, and they've really hard to learn how to communicate because in a court battle you have to know how to communicate properly and effectively and be quick on your feet and understand

other humans and human psychology and read body language. And he was really really great, but he said just one thing that really stood out for me, and it was like a three step process. When someone attacks you, so someone's color at you. Yeah, it was really really powerful. So the first step is so say something nasty to me, really nasty. You're a bitch? Sorry? Can you just repeat that for me?

Speaker 2

You're a bitch?

Speaker 1

Thank you thanks to letting me know that. So the first step is to breathe, because when you breathe one, you're calming down your nervous system. It's telling your body that it's safe. It's just words. A tiger's not going to attack you. It also allows space for it to land. So it allows space for the person's attacked you to realize what they've said. Holy fuck. If I just said that and then asking them to repeat it, they don't want to say it again. No, they fucking know what

they're saying is not right and not nice. So getting them to say it again, he said, a lot of the time they go, oh, I didn't mean to say that, or you're a bitch. If they say it again with ease, you're thanking them. You're thanking them for showing you who they are, where they're at, and how little respect they

have for you. Oh shit, you're not going to give time and energy try to have a conversation with someone that has made up their mind about you and that does not know how to have an effective conversation Wow. So it's breathe, let it land, allow it to be there, ask them to repeat it, and then thank them.

Speaker 2

Wow that at the end of the episode, that's all you need.

Speaker 1

So powerful. Whereas most of the time if someone attacks us, our nervous system thinks we're getting attacked and we have to run or react and bite back, and then we normally say something we don't mean. It's just this back and forth fight that we get into that doesn't solve anything. But that big breath is just so powerful, and we forget to breathe when we're in that heightened state. It's true, and then it ends up blowing up. I'm like, what the fuck are you fighting about? Why is it's worth it?

Or if you just think there's no way to resolve with that person, then you thank them, you walk away. You have your boundary there on standard of how you're going to be treated and what you're going to allow into your space. And I won't allow that in my space anymore. I'm not going to entertain that.

Speaker 2

You know what a powerful and like simple process, Right, that's so good. Even when you said like say I was like, you're a bitch, and then you like say it again, I had this internal resistance. I was like, yeah, now I know that this is happening in a role play. I'm like, oh, I don't want to say it again. No, it's so interesting the response that I had, Yeah, you like, can you say that again? I was like, oh shit.

Speaker 1

I'm sure if everyone just took a moment, even if you pause this podcast now and think of a moment that you've done that or someone's come at you, if you had to ask them to repeat it, they probably wouldn't, or if they did, then it's an easy cut of like,

we're not gonna I'm not gonna engage in this. Yeah, when you're speaking to me like that and you're throwing those attacks at me so easily that you think it's okay and acceptable, Yeah no, you don't even have to explain that, just thanking thems enough and then you walk away.

Speaker 2

What you said. The lack of respect part really hit home is like, if someone is willing to say that to you again and be willing to stand in that without correcting themselves, it really does highlight to you where they're at and how they feel about.

Speaker 1

You literally, and then it leads into if you're wanting to resolve conflict and have an effective kind conversation. And you ask them to repeat it and they can't, then it's like, okay, let's get into really how you're feeling. What's underneath that first initial comment, I've upset you? Yeah, can you please help me understand how I've upset you? And get them to talk, get them to explain it, go deeper than the surface level reaction.

Speaker 2

Yeah, yeah, and what caused you to feel that way?

Speaker 1

Yeah, so that's kind of how I'm trying to deal with conflict these days. Yeah. That was really powerful, And I think before you go into any conversation that could be conflict and hard and the other person's disregulated or you're disregulated, that's the first thing to do, is like checking where you're actually at. Yeah, don't go into a heavy conversation if you're disregulated. You can be nervous. Of course, you're going to be a little bit like off center

because it's uncomfortable. But take some big breaths, going with your facts, going with clear clarity of what you're going in there for your intentions, the outcome that you want, and making sure that you're allowing both people to be heard. That's my intention when I go into a hard conversation, it's not about being right. Is that resolving this and both of us being so we can walk away feeling we've either made a compromise or we've reconnected, even if

we can't agree or come to a solution. There's no attacking, there's no point in the finger, there's no escalating it where it's going to break out relationship or bond or trust. But yeah, it's obviously easier than done. But I feel like hearing this and having that awareness you can go in and do better. And the more you practice this, easier it does get. Yeah, the more normal it feels. There was a lot of us. I know for me growing up, it was just in a household yelling. Yeah,

so I felt normal to yell. And then I got to a point I was like, this doesn't feel nice and I want to have conflict like this. It can be done differently. So that's my take on it. So good. I love that.

Speaker 2

I think there will be a lot of people who be able to take that away and go, wow, this is something I can actually implement. I can get really good at.

Speaker 1

Go write it down like that three step process and just remembering to have clarity and an intention behind the conversation really important.

Speaker 2

It's a huge thing, isn't it. Conflict is an interesting thing. It can be such a challenging thing to want to and I know a lot of us tend to like avoid shy away from run and just like really don't enjoy, Yes, we really don't enjoy the discomfort that comes up with having to confront someone. And I know, like a lot of the times it does stem from, you know, wanting to preserve that relationship soon to be abandoned, you know.

And this is something we even spoke about earlier this morning where it was like it's really important to get clear on what your goal is with the relationship, Like it doesn't matter whether it's conflict, a fight, or something that you're not okay with. This is how I like to do it is to like think about what your actual goal and intention is for the friendship or the relationship and they go, Okay, what's my best case scenario outcome? What do I want for this? Do I want to preserve?

Do I want to build? Do I want to keep this friendship really close and type or this relationship and nurture it? Because that's when you'll get your answer, because when you want to do those things, you've got to be willing to have hard conversations in order to nurture it you do. People actually have the opposite perspective, will think if I bring this up to them, I'm going to push them away. And it's not to say that

it doesn't happen, because it does. Some people can't hold you in it, but there are going to be times with the right people who when you bring things in it's going to bring you closer. And so you've got to be willing to check with yourself around what your intention is and whether you know this potential little tif that you're about to have is worth you being able to create deeper connection in the future, which the ninety nine point nine percent of the time it always is.

And I think that's something to just keep in mind.

Speaker 1

I love that. Another thing I learned a couple of weeks ago from Steve was there was something that happened that fell back on my name even though I had nothing to do with and I really was expecting and hoping this person would come to me and apologize because I kind of had to take the flack of it. Yeah, and I didn't want to go in asking for that. I didn't want to go in to feel attacked, so I just decided to avoid and sweet and Steve was like,

why don't you lead in there with curiosity? I was like, but how And he's like, well, I would personally go on and be like, oh my gosh, how are you da da how's about that thing that happened? How did you feel? Because I haven't had the chance to speak to you about it yet? And I was like, wow, that is such an easy solution, genius, because I'm like, you're not going in there attacking, You're not going there demanding or criticizing. You're saying, hey, what came up for you?

And it just opens the conversation to have this conversation of like holy shit, yeah shit went down, Yeah fuck, I'm sorry about that. Oh gosh, I don't know how I feel about it. And you can see where they're at and you'll be able to gauge and then lead the conversation from there. I was like, Wow, that's really cool. Have I had the conversation yet? Not yet, but I would get to that.

Speaker 2

It was a great idea.

Speaker 1

It was a great idea.

Speaker 2

Yeah, this is yes, and I'm going to put out the bottom of my to do list.

Speaker 1

It's like, you know, it's amazing and I would definitely use that. And now it's amazing brave enough to lean in and actually have that conversation. I did it yesterdays too. You put me up to do something. Yeah, You're like, you're avoiding, you're avoiding.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

I was like, yeah, I know, but it's don't one that person feeling uncomfortable and I don't want to feeling stressed about this, and da da da, You're like, yeah, but you're avoiding it. It's not the point of it. You need to go in and you love this person, you have respect for them, and you want to preserve that relationship. You value transparency, do the thing. Yeah, I did it last night. Great. It was as scary as what it was. And we have to also look within

of why we're doing that. So for me, it's I'm scared of being abandoned. I want to give and provide and save and do all these things because I think that that's how people love me, and it's a pattern of mine. So I get scared if I speak up or I don't provide, or I don't do something like that that they're going to leave or they're not going

to love me. I know it's not the truth, but it's rewinding my brain and having the experiences and evidence that it's safe to speak up and have those conversations. And it's also good practice for me because it's how I deliver the conversation is where it's gonna matter. Yeah, you know, it's a big part of it.

Speaker 2

Yes, it's a cool thing that the delivery is the big part because it's like you, because we make it such a big thing in our heads. We go, oh, this has to be such a huge conversation. You need to sit down for two and a half hours and unpack this and dissect it. As opposed to something that's really benefited me and like I could never have hard conversations before. Was the biggest people pleaser. I'ld avoid everything.

And then it got to a point where I'm like, Okay, how can I have this conversation in the most casual way possible. How can I keep it light, just a casual conversation. And I think something that's really helped me, which was really hard thing to do it first actually was to think about the other person first. In any given situation. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect to

this by any means. My last relationship I really struggled with this, But in friendships and stuff like that, I think immediately hearing, validating and acknowledging what the other person is feeling or going through immediately creates connection and safety because you're like, hey, fucking here for you, in this with you, and regardless of how I'm feeling right now, like I just want you to know I see you.

Speaker 1

Yes.

Speaker 2

And I think that in itself creates this.

Speaker 1

I can like breathe.

Speaker 2

An exhale and relax and then immediately you get the best of them because you've given the best view. And I think so that kind of like that selfless act in that moment to go, I'm going to lean into you first instead of expecting you to lean into me. Then we will create the cycle of creating that safety for each other.

Speaker 1

Oh, I absolutely love that.

Speaker 2

There's actually a really good book that I would recommend. It's called Nonviolent Communication. I'm not actually sure who it's by, but if you type it up, it'll come up. This helped me find a really simple framework of being able to have nonviolent communication in any high conflict situation.

Speaker 1

Or I love a good framework.

Speaker 2

And so it was like a simple three step process something like fact, feeling and resolution. So at that before, Yeah, I made my own kind of version of it. It's like a five step process. It has those in it, but in my own way and added steps I think are really beneficial that have really helped my clients. But this simple process is, whenever you're going into a situation, before you communicate, go in with a plan. Never go in on an emotional high, when you're dysregulated and your

guns are bla and you're ready to throw hands. Right, write it down on a piece of paper, what the facts are of the situation. So what specifically happened for this to create this problem?

Speaker 1

Right?

Speaker 2

Not how you feel, but what happened this person didn't do the dishes right? And then you go into kay. Once you've got the facts, you then go into the feeling. How did when XYZ happen? How did that make me feel? And not I feel XYZ because he did blah blah blah. It's in that moment I felt unsafe. In that moment, I felt disrespected. In that moment, I felt dismissed. Those would be good examples. Yeah, and then you go into resolution. So instead of saying to the other person, why didn't

you fucking do xyz? You made me feel this, you're saying, next time when something like this happens, do you think that I could request a view to show up as XYZ? So instead of you sitting on the lounge and not doing the dishes when you've promised me that you would, would you mind next time making sure that the dishes are done before I'm home. What you're doing is you're looking for the solution, and you're immediately going to the solution, as opposed to saying stuck in the problem.

Speaker 1

Oh I love that. That's really cool. I also love what you said before about how to make things really casual. Yeah. I remember Brian Rees, our first relationship coach. He said, a good way to approach, especially a man that is really uncomfortable having hard conversations. I suppose anyone who doesn't like hard conversations is doing in the car when they're driving.

Oh yeah, Because sometimes when you sit someone down, I've got to have a conversation with you, it's immediately wards are up, well, immediately they're scared, Immediately they've shut down because I feel like you're going to criticize them, they're a trouble or whatever. Interview it feels like that, or in interrogation is when you're casually driving, it was like, hey, gosh, remember that thing that happened the other day. I don't know, I'm just not really sad about that. Do you think

I'm up for you? And because they're driving, they know you're there, they're present because they're driving, but it just takes away that intensity. Yes, it allows to be more a casual, flowy conversation. You'll find the personal open not a lot more. And I use this technique with Steve for a little while. He's a lot better just approaching and having conversations with these days, but back when he wasn't, it was a really good tool that I could just use.

Speaker 2

Yeah, yeah, so smart, that's really cool. It's like how men talk shoulder to shoulder but women talk face to face.

Speaker 1

Yeah he heard of that.

Speaker 2

Yeah, so I've spoken about it.

Speaker 1

I have heard that before.

Speaker 2

When I did this with one of my ex partners, we would go to like something like Springbrook, Yeah, and whenever we had a big conversation we need to have, and we would walk it out for a few hours and we would walk and talk. That's cool, And it was the best thing because we didn't have to sit like what you were just saying out of nature, you're moving your energy, so you're not getting caught up in it. You're not stagnant in your conversation or your energy.

Speaker 1

That's cool. Yeah, I really love that for me too.

Speaker 2

I think a huge thing around boundaries that people struggle with is not knowing first where a boundary lies. And I think in order to know where a boundary lies, you need to know what your standards are, right. You need to know what it is that you will accept, what it is that you won't accept behavior that is either acceptable or something that you're not willing to talk

rate in your life. I think that's a really important thing to kind of have an already awareness of, like this feels good for me, this doesn't.

Speaker 1

I'd love to hear your opinion on this, because it gets very great for me. It's the difference between boundaries and standards, because sometimes I feel like I allow boundaries to be crossed and then to question myself if I just have really low standards in some relationships and I'm like, oh, but is it a boundary or is it, oh, my standards too high and expectations, oh, expects, Yeah, the boundary standards and expectations. You expect someone to show up a

certain way because you've got a boundary in place. But then I your expectations too high, your standards too high? But that's my boundary. Then should I lower my expectations because everyone's different and everyone's showing up the best they can. It be so hard on them, But it's still a boundary for me, So it doesn't feel good. Yeah, I get really blurry on all of that. So how would you coach me to be more clear on all of those?

Speaker 2

I think the first I mean this is, at least in my interpretation of it all, the way that I like to understand it is that expectation is essentially the way that you would behave in any given situation. So your expectation of other people is often high because you often hold yourself to a high standard. So like, you know, say, we've had conversations like this before in the past of loyalty, friendship and loyalty, where like why didn't that person do X y Z, Because if I were in that situation.

Speaker 1

Would never do that.

Speaker 2

I would never do that. So the expectation is like a standard from self, so like I would do what you're not doing. And then a standard is that's where you get to discern, Okay, this is either tolerable or not tolerable, so something I'll allow or something I won't allow. So this is where you discern the line between acceptable, healthy, what I want in my life versus not healthy, not acceptable, and something I don't want in my life. Right then

the boundary is placed based off your standard. And a boundary is not I don't like when you do X y Z. A boundary is when you do X y Z, I'm going to remove myself because it's unacceptable. Think that telling somebody not to do something is a boundary, but it's not. Telling someone to do something is not a boundary. A boundary is when you do X y Z, I'm going to remove myself. I'm going to stop doing XYZ. When you do this, I'm going to pull away. A

boundary is actually self focused. It's not external, if that makes sense.

Speaker 1

Yeah, someone crossing your boundaries has nothing to do with them. It's what you're allowing, that's right. Yeah, And a boundary is your lack of presence. For the most part, boundaries often aren't words. Boundaries are when you do X y Z, I'm going to remove myself. If my partner cheats on me, I'm leaving. That's a boundary. It's a boundary.

Speaker 2

If my partner talks to another girl on social media, I move out, or I no longer feel safe to have sex with you, I'm going to therapy. Boundaries are action based, if not words, and which is why a lot of women find themselves in situations where they're saying the thing over and over again and telling their partner what they don't like, but then they're not getting a

different result because you actually haven't said a boundary. If your partner's cheating on you and you still decide to stay, but you keep telling him that you don't like it, you're not actually doing anything. You're not setting a boundary. You're actually enabling the behavior.

Speaker 1

As a boundary, almost an unwritten contract to yourself too, that you're going to honor. That example, if my partner cheats on me, I'm out, but then he does it and I stay, you've broken your own contract. Yeah, one hundred percent.

Speaker 2

The way that I would see that is like, I'm not honoring my self respect Yeah, Like, if I continue to allow this behavior, I'm not honoring myself. I'm not respecting myself. I don't think that what I want for myself is valid enough.

Speaker 1

My words don't mean much. Your actions. I'm letting you override them. I'm letting you get away with it.

Speaker 2

And if someone's acting a way that you don't like, but you're allowing it unconsciously telling yourself, is I'm deserving of this? Yeah, I'm not worthy of anything more. I'm not worthy of anything better than that. To keep attracting more of that, keep happening again and again because you continue to allow it in so.

Speaker 1

Interesting, So yeah, really cool self reflection for everyone to do is to get really clear on what their boundaries are.

Speaker 2

And the easiest and most simple way that you can do this is to like write a list in your phone of things that you like things that you don't like. Say, for example, if you're in a relationship, okay, so you can go okay, if my partner did this, would I be okay with it? If my partner did this, would it be a hard fucking no? Would it be me leaving worthy? Do you know what I mean, like getting really clear, because if you don't know where your.

Speaker 1

No lies true, how would they know?

Speaker 2

How are you going to know how to set a boundary?

Speaker 1

And how do they know as well? That's right, Yeah, you got to communicate those two things. You would hear that in relationships. I can't believe he did that, Like he should know that. I wouldn't allow that. It's like, well, if you haven't communicated that with your partner, how do they know? Might be obvious to you, but to him it might have been okay to his previous relationships. So

he's like, whoa, you're overreacting. My last partner was cool with this, Like what you even't told me that you're not okay with that?

Speaker 2

And also as well, like every human is their own being, we have a different set of ideals, standards, values, beliefs, all that sort of stuff. So to expect that your partners to know exactly how you're feeling about something, you might feel so strongly about something. To him, he's like, eh, whatever, yeah, and vice versa.

Speaker 1

So true, you know, so true?

Speaker 2

What is it saying? Closed mouths don't get fed?

Speaker 1

Oh my gosh, that's such a good one. I hope there's lots that has landed for everyone listening today because it's something we really can't avoid. You can try to avoid, but if you can't communicate and have hard conversations, you will see that your relationships will either break down or they won't have the level of depth, trust and connection that you know your heart's desiring. Another thing too, I'll just finish off this is to not go in blaming.

As soon as you do that. Walls are straight up, they're on the defensive, and you're not going to get anywhere close to them like you're wanting to get. You're not going to resolve anything. They're going to feel like it's all their fault, or they're going to point the finger back at you, and you're going to get back into that back and forth vicious cycle of blaming each other. Yeah, going with how you feel, going with clarity, gone with facts.

How hold space for each other to have their own experience because a lot of the time in conflict, you both have your own story. Yeah, and both are actually really true. You both felt a certain way, you both heard certain things and certain things happened, But we get stuck in our own head forgetting that they've had their own experience as well, So allow that to come in and hold that without reacting and vice versa. And I guarantee most conversations unless they're anarcissist, you'll be able to

work through, you know, assuming the best. Yeah, assuming the best. That's beautiful. We hope you guys enjoyed this and hopefully got lots out of it. If you need to rewind and go back and write anything down, I advise you to because being able to kindly effectively communicate is a big life skill yeap, that we all need and we'll benefit from.

Speaker 2

Yeah, beautiful, Thanks for joining us, ladies.

Speaker 1

Bye

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