Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.
This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. We're gonna laugh and cry and talk about the topics everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
Get ready for your next level of self.
I'm always excited to be in your ears, whether you're on your way to work, or you're going from our Stanley Walk, or maybe you're cooking dinner and you're just wanting to be in our company. We're bringing you today an episode about victim mentality. This is something we've been asked quite a bit in our DMS and something we love talking about. Something Tiana works with her clients, and it's something we have definitely both experienced and lived in
for a while absolutely and still go there. Sometimes it's not our emotional home to be a victim. We don't stay there, we don't stay there. We move out of there pretty quick. Yes, because it does not serve us being a victim, It just disempowers us. So that's what we're going to talk about today.
It feels super restrict.
Also, no one likes being there.
It's not a good time.
No, you can't grow, you can't enjoy life when you're in victim mentality and you lose all of your power because you decide that there's nothing you can do about it. But there always is a new perspective and a new way to switch lanes. So got to go there today, switch lanes. Yeah, I'm going to talk about times in our lives that we have felt victimized and like there was no way out.
There was a time in my life where I was surrounded by a whole new community of really conscious women and a community of women who were all in the coaching industry that I'm a part of. And it was probably about two years into my personal development journey, so I was quite fresh, fresh on the scene, fresh, surrounded by women who were doing big things, really incredible things.
I remember going into the biggest ego death of my life. It was so intense.
I was surrounded by all these women who were doing incredible things, being successful, making ridiculous amounts of money, and here was little old me in five thousand dollars a month in my business, being like Hi, I'm yeah, And I was surrounded by women who are making like five hundred k mouth and it was really a hard time because I remember having this ego death and doing my personal development journey, discovering things about myself, learning new parts
of myself, seeing shadow aspects of myself. It was really unraveling. It was unraveling, and I just remember feeling like the biggest victim because I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out this missing secret ingredient that all of these women had come across, right, And I was stuck at five k months for like a year, Like that's obviously a blessing. I'm grateful to be able to have you pairing. I had that experience, but I was so stuck in
comparison that I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see what to do, and I just felt so victimized because I had that story and that narrative of everyone has it easier than me, and everyone knows something that I don't know telling me, they're.
Hiding it from me.
It's like everyone is keeping it from me.
Why is no one telling me?
There's his secret that everyone knows that I don't know? And everyone's getting there much faster than I am, and I couldn't sit with that feeling. And so through this ego death and this discomfort and this lack of responsibility that I was taking at that time.
I was stuck in this victim of vortex.
Victim vortex.
Wow, that's a clot That's exactly how it felt.
It was this victim vortex of every single day I was being triggered with people succeeding and doing bigger things and making big, bold action that I wasn't taking, and then wondering why it wasn't happening for me. And it was such a trigger of feeling like, oh, I can't do this, I'm never going to be capable, They're going to succeed, I'm going to get left behind, and all of these call wounds that were coming up for me, and I was just sucked into this victim vortex.
And I stayed there for like.
Eight or nine months. It was really not a pleasant time.
So how do you get yourself out of it?
I took radical responsibility and it was the most uncomfortable feeling.
But the best thing you could have done for yourself.
It was the best thing I ever did, and All the took was me shifting from really being able to sit with that discomfort of being a victim and feeling victimized by my life and by my circumstances, and realizing that there's not someone puppeteering my life saying great to put it, You're not going to do this, and everyone
else around you is going to succeed. It wasn't that, it was hey, you're actually okay, You're in control, you have more power than you think that you do, and you need to take responsibility for the action that you're not taking right now. I had to sit in that feeling for a couple of weeks. I was like, oh yeah, just like really let myself feel it and own it.
And when I did, I realized that I had been projecting onto these people the whole time and disempowering myself in the process of going, Well, if you to just look at the action that you needed to take and observe these people and break down what it is that they're doing, break down their actions, what are they doing day to day, what are their habits, what are their daily choices, what are their goals, what are they actually working towards? What do I want and then breaking that
down for myself. So all I need to do is to just implement what it is that they're doing if I want the outcome that they want. And it just allowed me to just completely change the narrative that I was telling myself and re empower myself.
Oh that's cool. Yeah, and that one time you did that, that would give you that evidence and that skill set to be able to do it again and again if for ever resurfaced. Yeah, anytime that comes up that you're not capable, They've got it easy or why can they do it and I can't, It's like, oh, hang on a second, I've been through this before. What did I get myself out of it? X, Y, and Z steps.
That was the most intense that it had come up in terms of success and money. Once I had processed that and I let myself feel all of that, sat with the discomfort, owned my heart, owned my projections, and where I needed to actually show up every time after that, like what you just said, it got easy to deal with it.
I was like, oh, like, it's that thing again that came up.
It's just this mentality is keeping me here because I'm fueling the thoughts by not taking action. But the moment that I took one small piece of action, I got reinforced that hey, there are options, Yeah, you have opportunity. There's more things to be curious about here.
This isn't it.
You're not stuck here.
And when I realized I wasn't stuck there, I was like, oh my god, I'm okay.
Yeah, like I can breathe.
It's just a story.
So cool. Yeah, now you get to help. So many other women do that as well.
Yeah.
Mine was when I was going through the most intense trolling online, and I just remember thinking and asking a lot of people that were in the online world if they've ever had this happen to them. I had a Facebook hate page about me, I had an Instagram page about hating me, and it was NonStop. It was constant. It was destroying my life, it was destroying my light. I didn't want to be here. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I felt like it
was never going to end. And I remember when I linked up with my coaches that were going to help me through this and get me out of a state of being suicidal. I remember saying, no one else has had this heart of than me. I've spoken to so many influences at these massive events. I've never seen anything like it. I've never seen anything like it before. This is huge. Remember saying to me, do you honestly think you're the only one that's experienced this? And I was like, well, yeah,
the only one that I've seen. And I can't remember the name of this guy. I have to actually ask him, but they said there was this guy in America who got named the most hated guy in America. Oh wow. And it was millions of tweets, hundreds of pages about him. Means everywhere he was the most hated guy in America. I can't even remember what he did so long ago.
But the point of that story is he actually turned it around and ended up being very, very loved because of his story, how we changed, how he took responsibility, what he did with his life after that, and now he's this big motivational speaker and has sold out tours around the country. Yeah. And I remember him telling you that story, and he's like, I'm just telling you this because you will get out of this. We'll make sure that you do. There is light at the end of
the tunnel, and you can have a different life. You're just right in the thick of it right now. I'm gonna help you navigate that through. But please don't think for a second that you're special and you're the only person that's experienced this. That was a big hard pill to swallow. But he said it like that. Sure, you're not special. Plenty of people this happens too. You think of all that. Not that I'm a celebrity by any means, but all the big celebrities that have big followings and
a lot of eyes on them. You look on any magazine or forum or post about them anywhere, most of the comments is hate. Yeah. They pick on their sale life, They pick on the way they parent, they pick on their hair, they pick on textured skin. For goodness sake, they pick on literally everything about every fucking celebrity. They're too skinny, they're too fat, they're dating too many men, they're going through too many divorces, money hungry, they didn't
get this job. They're a value there pit, they're expiring date. There's always something that they're picking on. And unfortunately, when you have eyes on you, people do and it was just cool for him to explain it like that. It kind of did get me out of victim of like, oh, yeah, of course I'm not the only one. This is happening too, And if other people can get out of it, so can I.
You know, It's like under a microscope.
Yeah, And I can choose to keep being a victim and not getting out of bed and not showing up and let them win and fold and take myself offline and avoid it all. Or I can choose to keep showing up just as my authentic self. And the more I did that, the less it got. And I got through it, and I'm still here fifteen years later. I still get messages from women just saying it's so cool to see all the stuff that's happened to you and
things you've said, you still show up. You're still there six am saying what do guys?
Yeah?
And it is because this is who I am. I make mistakes, I'm an all human go through lots of different seasons and chapters and growth, and I'm just me, and I'm going to continue to show up as being me, sharing all my lessons along the way, you know, And I will forever do that.
Yeah, do you think if that experience hadn't happened, you wouldn't have overcome your victim mentality.
As much as you did. Although I've been a victim for different reasons, that was probably one of the main ones. And then the other one was when I was younger, I was a victim to thinking everyone had it easier because they had a dad, or they had a loving father and a loving family, and they had a parent that would drive them somewhere. They had parents that would give them money, and they had a parent that would help them with their homework. That are parents that they
could talk to. And I thought, gosh, how am I if I going to make something of my life and I don't have the support all my friends have, no wonder they're passing all their subjects and they're doing so well, and they're doing all this and they're going to go to UNI and they're going to make the great things of their life. Because if I had that support, I would too. But I didn't have any of that, So I'm never going to make anything of myself. Yeah, so
I was a massive victim. Anyone that had, yeah, supported parents, I just thought they were so lucky and it'd be so much easier for them to make something of themselves. At the end of the day, whether you've got supportive family or not, it's still your choice how much hard work you put in. It's still your choice where your energy goes. It's still your choice to have a negative or a positive perspective on whatever's happening. It's still your
choice what risks you take. It's still your choice. What kind of partner and friends and influence you have around you. It's still your choice if you invest in partying or you invest in self development. That is all an individual's choice. You get to appoint where you've got to stop blaming your parents. They got you to a certain point, and yes they influenced you that you're going to take response
to me for your life. You're an adult now. So it got to a point, and it was after a Tony Robbins course when I learned all about the bullshit stories that we tell ourselves. But it was just like, this is your life, now, what are you going to do with it? No one's going to save you. Your parents are not in control anymore, So you can keep blaming them, or you can take control of your life.
So powerful it is the same thing circumstances. It doesn't matter what circumstances that you're in or whatever led you there to be there. It's not really about that.
It's about what you choose to do from here on out.
Yes, you can choose to.
Allow that experience or the circumstances that you're in to dictate what you choose moving forward, or you can use it as the catalyst that's going to be the reason that you down the track. Say, look at what I overcame. You know, if I had allowed the sex tape to dictate how I showed.
Up, I wouldn't have an online business.
Hid.
I would have hid and you know what I wanted to. I definitely felt victimized by that. Actually, similar to what you shared around Oh, no one has it as hard as me.
You felt like that in the moment else had a sex tape because I.
Knew not yet, I didn't know anyone intimately, or anyone in my circle, or anyone who.
Knew anyone no who had been through that.
Well, you do you.
Feel special in your pain?
Yeah, because you just don't know anybody who's been through it, and a lot of the things that we've all experienced so are common for a lot of people. A lot of people get to experience them too. But in the moment, you feel so victimized by it.
And you are victimized, But you don't have to be a victim forever. Yes, you are a victim to your sex tape. I was a victim to online trolley and bullying for sure. Yeah, but it's our choice that we don't stay a victim forever. We don't let it define or rule our future. Yeah, it's a part of our past and a part of our story, but we get to choose what we do with that next.
It's almost as if this is something that has happened to us, but we're not letting it impact what we do moving forward.
We're saying it happened for us to help us grow to it and be the person want to be. It would have helped heal our victim mentality. It forced us to grow, That's what it did.
Yeah, it really tells us that's what it does.
Yeah, victim mentality is forcing you to grow, and for as long as you resist it, you'll stay a victim.
And a big event like that, it almost is a fast forward button. It propels you forward like the slingshot theory that you say, pulling you back, it stretching you out, feeling so uncomfortable. Then you're a thrown forward and it's like, you got to land on your feet, get back up. I love that con You gotta land. It's the best, isn't it.
It's the best anything that you're expencing right now, hardship, pain, discomfort, victimize. What your expense right now is pulling you back for this thing that's going to propel you forward.
And if you actually if you visualize the analogy of the sling shot, and it pulls you back and then flings you forward and you land on the ground on your back, and you're like, ah, my leg's hat. Are you going to stay down there going ah my leg's hat? Are you going to find their strength to get back up and walk again and go and get help or do something different? You're going to lay there forever? No. No.
With the sex tape specifically, I remember telling myself anything I do in the future moving forward is going to have this shadow or this skeleton that's going to come back and haunt me or bite me in the ass. And I was like, well, I'm just not gonna have to do anything. I just can't build anything now.
Yes, because it's never going to work anyway, because that will just come out and destroy.
It, and it will destroy it. It will ruin my credibility. People won't take me seriously.
Expect me.
People won't respect me.
Intimate partners won't want to be with me, people won't want to be my friend. Moving forward, all of these stories I could have absolutely ran with and it would have dictated my life. My life would look very different. But it's in those very moments you get to choose.
Yes, you get to choose.
So cool.
We've also said this before and I will keep saying it in plenty more episodes to come. But allow yourself to have a pity party. Yeah, just don't let it become your emotional home. Yeah, that's when you get stuck. So have your little moment. Voice it out if you need to scream atipillo, whatever tool is in your tool brother, that helps you have your moment and then move through it.
I like that.
Yeah, you need it.
It's such a necessary part because if you don't acknowledge that feeling in emotion, you're just suppressed it to come out later.
Anyway, it comes out bigger, it just explodes. I remember when Katie Ford first said that. To me, it was just permission to be a victim for a moment, and it's just been such a game changer for me. Yeah, to allow that to be there, you move through it so much quicker, You dissolve so much faster once you're allowed to be there like a kid. Yeah, like ninety seconds.
So I'm good.
Yeah, so true, and you know it as well.
In terms of being a victim or feeling like a victim, it stems from comparison. Stems from you comparing yourself to other people's circumstances and situations, doesn't it, and recognizing that there is some contrast between where they are at and
where you were at. And something that has really helped me in terms of when I felt like a victim of something, whether it be something quite deep and impactful hardship wise, or just something that I'm comparing myself to day to day, I say to myself, but as long as I'm comparing, I'm not.
Doing Oh wow, that's cool.
So if I want an outcome or a circumstance for a situation, what is it that If I'm focusing on comparing I'm not focusing on what I need to be doing to get myself to where I want to go.
That's so true. What a good one.
It's helped me every.
Time, and it almost like sucks me out of the victim mentality and goes, oh, I have option here.
As long as i'm comparing, I'm not doing. When i'm comparing, I'm not doing. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, I love that. Another thing I think is very important is too and never to blame all. But I know in my life there's some people that will enable that victim mentality. Oh your poor thing, Oh my gosh, And sometimes I need that. I've got one in particular, and she's just so loyal, loves me fiercely, and if I just need that for a moment, I'll go to her and have event' like, God,
that fucking sucks. How dare they? Oh my gosh, I got you back. But then I also have friends that I know when I'm ready to go to and have them help me move through it, They'll challenge me on it, they'll ask the right productive questions, and they'll help me move through it. So just be careful who's around you, because if you've only got people around you that are helping enable that victim mentality and keeping you down there, it's not going to help you get out. Sometimes you
have to change your environment and who you're around. Otherwise you're going to keep feeling and pattern repeat, going to keep telling them the same stories, and it's going to keep you stuck in that victim bortex. Yeah, so be very aware of who you're around because it does make big impact. Not to blame them, but yeah, I'm just very aware of what friends I can go to for what for what I need, because.
As well, you can play roles with people. Yeah, constantly go to someone and you're the victim and they're the savior.
You can see doing a pattern with somebody exactly.
It's productive growth. It's being mindful of those things.
Yeah, and sometimes too. I know with certain friends, I need to be that person that allows them to brings the victim forward. I like them to have their petty party and then we move through it. But if you straight away go into like say coach Tiana or I do that too. I just like want to fix and want to help let's move through this. I've got the tools bring it in, but they just want to be heard and felt, make sure you're giving them that time
as well. There's a time and place to be helping them be productive for sure, or just like holding them in their stuff, you.
Know, emotion first, practicality later.
Yes, men have had to learn to do that, hold our emotions and not go straight into fixing.
Yeah. I definitely used to do the fixing things straight away and me too, Right, cool, what do we do?
Let's do this, this, this, and sometimes the.
People don't want to hear that automatically. I'm not listening to anything.
Ready to change. I want to just sit here for a moment. I want to be a victim for a second. I want to bitch about it. I want to have event Yep, I'm going to give you my meta report of all the things that I'm thinking and feeling.
I've meta report.
Welcome, definitely, and we love them.
Thanks for listening, guys, we really appreciate you coming along on this journey. And if, for whatever reason, you feel at all in any area of your life victimized, bring it into the Facebook forum. Let's open up a thread, open up a conversation, and let's start removing the shame and just allowing you to have a place to come and really pour out your heart. And then also we can go from pouring out your heart into something productive to really help you move out of the state that
you're in. So we're open for both the conversation or the women in there are so supportive, So if you want to find us, you can also type in she Rises in Facebook she Riises community and we'll link it below as well in the description.
Thanks, We'll see in the next episode. Bye bye,