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Welcome to the shep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley and I'm Tiana.
This podcast is.
About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. We're gonna laugh and cry and talk about the topics everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
Get ready for your next level of self.
Today we're talking about loneliness. This is something that we have noticed come into our dms, come onto our forum, we experience. I noticed a lot of Tiana's content last week was about loneliness.
Yes, And I.
Said of a text of like are you okay? Yes, she did hear you can comfortably profile you know. I just felt like you might have been feeling lonely and it's just a topic it coming up, so like, let's talk about it, because I don't really hear anyone talk about it, yet we all experience it, regardless of how many people we have in our life.
Yeah, I think it's a really important thing to cover because, like what you mentioned, no one talks about it, but everyone experiences it, and I think it's really important for us to be able to learn how to shift mentally out from that lonely state and like in the thick of it, into a more productive place. It's going to benefit us and help us learn how to navigate those feelings of loneliness when they do come up.
And like I said, we've all felt a sense of loneliness. I think I've felt it more in my younger years, when I didn't know how to enjoy my own company and I didn't have my own back, yeah, and I was always looking for outside people to validate me, to have their overflow, to fill me up, to fix me, to save me. And I feel like the last couple of years, probably the last two years, I've really learned to enjoy my own company. So now when I'm going through stuff, I still lean on my friends, as you
know you and Steve a lot. However, I do sit with myself now and I enjoy my own company, and I'm learning to have my own back more and to be able to soothe and regulate by myself. So I don't feel lonely these days copared to what I used to, yeah, when I was always needing it from outside people.
I think a lot of women be able to resonate with that of like leaning on other people when you are feeling lonely, because it is a scary thing. And sometimes, at least in my experience as well, I can resonate with, you know, relying on other people.
To avoid feeling lonely.
Yes, you know, like using other people or busy relationships is a clutch almost, like I know for me, like I've had like six relationships total since I was probably
like fourteen. Right when I was younger, I remember feeling in those moments like I can't be myself without having a relationship because I rely on that person so much emotionally to make sure that I'm not crumbling that they become a clutch for me to avoid the way that I felt internally about myself or just the natural things that would come up day to day, like loneliness or any self doubt or anything that was really uncomfortable to face and look at.
So I can definitely resonate with that.
And I think as you become better at facing yourself dealing with the things that come up for you, you're not as scared of what's going to come up. And I think that's a real common theme, Like I've got my clients experiencing that, you know, people on social media comment on my posts and stuff, all experiencing this insane amount of loneliness, but like not really knowing what to do with it when it comes.
Yeah, it's really hard.
Is The cool thing about getting to sit with yourself and enjoying your own company is like say, before you came along, like I've got beautiful friends whatever, But we definitely are quite inseparable. We do a lot together.
We love it.
I wasn't lonely, but it highlighted for me too. Yes, I enjoyed my own company, but I also really value friendship.
I really love.
Doing things with people, and we've spoken about how lonely business can be. And when it came to my old co host leaving, there was a period there of should I do this by myself? And I did the Twelve Days of Christmas by myself, one to see if I'd enjoy it, and two to see if I was capable because I had a limited belief that I needed someone else with me. But ultimate decision to get another host on Akau was I don't want to do it by myself. Yeah,
it's lonely. I like spending time by myself, but I want someone to go through the hard times together with, to celebrate the winds, to grow, to learn from each other, to make you pack together, to travel together to all the things. And I had that with Steve with Hideaway too. Just like having a partner that you get to do
all that together. It's so freaking cool. But it's a balance of like not needing that person to do that for you to be able to be by yourself through your shit as well, sooth and regulate yourself without other people too.
What you were just saying around not needing it.
It's almost like if there is a beautiful balance, You've got to be able to be okay with being on your own, doing things on your own, navigating life on your own, navigating your challenges, and really what it is is being reliant on yourself.
Love.
You've got to be able to rely.
On yourself in those moments, but also there gets to be both. There gets to be both of you relying on yourself but equally valuing connection with others. And when you're reliant on people to help you to with the loneliness is when you know that you're not dealing with it on your own, but when you know that you can be okay without them, then when they do come, you value it.
So much more.
Definitely, you're not trying to like hold them down and make them stay and experiencings with them and go, holy shit, I'd be lost without you or I would crumble without you, but also knowing like you can handle things on your own too.
And I think that impacts relationships in a positive way because in hindsight, I can see how past friendships would have felt a bit suffocated by me, because I think it came from such an anxious place of abandonment and needing them and I didn't want to be alone that I think it could have felt like a lot, whereas now I think my friendships are so much healthier because
it's not coming from an anxious place. It's coming from a very genuine, authentic pool and alignment and connection rather than like anxious please stay, don't leave me, I need you.
Yeah, you know, I disagree. You're not suffocating, but.
In the past maybe I would have.
I think our friendship is coming from a different energy to what mine would have five years ago, and that's where I can take ownership and some friendship breakdowns of the part that I played. I think everyone plays their own roles sure, Like you always say, all you can do is clean up your own laying right. And there's probably times in my intimate relationship too that would have
shown up for Steve too. I would have been co dependent on him, yeah, and needed him and relied on him and wasn't able to soothe myself.
Yeah.
I don't think it's a healthy way to be in a relationship, and it doesn't feel good for other parties. Yeah, learn to sit with your lonely. It's actually okay for you to feel lonely too. It's not going to kill you. It's okay for you to sit there and go, shit, what's coming up for me? And to explore that it's an invitation to grow and to see what's really coming up for you.
It's funny because when it comes up, it doesn't matter whether you actually have nobody around and whether you're surrounded by people.
It will still come up.
Yeah, and it will.
Surprise you in the most random moments. But like what you said, when you rely on other people so much, you almost put pressure on that relationship for them to be everything for you, and we just can't. We don't get to do that, Like it's hard for us to put pressure on everyone to be everything for us. That's when that self responsibility has to come in and go like, holy shit, I need to look after myself here, because if I can't look after myself, how is somebody else
going to be able to do that too? Like, we just create a safe place for ourselves. And I can one hundred percent resonate what you were saying. I was definitely an anxious friend way back when, and I know my behavior one hundred percent was too much for past friendships. Like the friendship literally ended because it was overbearing, yes, you.
Know, and it did.
It come from not a good place because I was running from myself.
I couldn't handle it.
I was hoping that other people's love and acceptance and approval would soothe me, would soothe me. I was trying to seek like that sense of safety and roundedness outside of me and being like, oh, my God, through your love, I get to feel this way about myself.
But it's not.
It's like through the love of myself, even in the things that are uncomfortable, even in the loneliness, you know, loving yourself through the discomfort of what comes up for you and just like holding a safe space for yourself like.
You would a best friend.
Where do you think that comes from? You think it comes from our childoo, because both of us can we have relatability and that that we were the anxious friend that was seeking outside validation to feel safe and loved. Do you think that stems from our childhood? That's truly got to be a deep rooted wound, and we've obviously moved through that now and that's why we have healthier relationships now.
But I wonder where that comes.
From, the sense of abandonment.
I would say so, yeah, I would say so and Dad, he.
Sucked me out, and dads, I'm going loved kidding, love me mom.
Yeah.
Again, this is one of those conversations people think that abandonment is like this be huge trauma. It's not the size of the trauma. Trauma is not the size of the trauma. It's the way that it psychologically impacted you. Yes, it could be the smallest thing, but it impacted you in a large way. And that's why you can't compare trauma. You can't compare experiences that you've had to me to the next person because it's not about that's how it left an imprint on us when we were that age.
They well explained.
I remember having a friend and and she's like, I have no trauma. First of all, Red like, get you do it. She was like, I haven't been raped, I haven't been kidnapped, I haven't been stolen from I was like, wow, is that your perception of trauma. She's like, well, when someone says trauma, it's a traumatic event, right, I'm like, yeah, but it could be micro moments that you felt abandoned by your parents, or someone didn't see you or hear you, or you were pushed to the side or sent to
your room. It can be the micro moments that as a child leaves huge impact that impacts the rest of your life, especially from age zero to seven.
And when you're a child as well, that's your whole life. Your parents, you're inside, your physical home is your whole life. You don't have friends yet, yeah, maybe not even going to school.
Yet, Like do you know what I mean?
It's like, that's the whole world. So of course it's going to have some level of impact on you in a great way. So yeah, I definitely think it is due to childhood and not saying that I had a bad childhood or anything like that. But the little micro moments that impacted me in that way one made me an anxious human who felt the need to get validation outside of myself. But also the self responsibility from that is as an adult, I continued to abandon myself, right, So, yes,
I felt a sense of abandonment. But as I continue to get older, I abandoned myself and then that created my own microtraumas from my own behavior, you know. So then I continued to look for validation in other people because I was just like, well, I need your validation because I don't know how to give it to myself.
I don't know how to be that for myself, and a lot of people don't know.
And it's also hard, like I'm like, oh, how I fucked Taje up? I wonder one of those first seven years I gave him enough validation All the time will tell. But it's so scary as a parent because you understand all of this and you just don't want to fuck your kids up. You don't want to do things that can impact or create those kind of wounds.
Everything that we experience is going to create micro traumas In a way, it doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't matter how much we try to bubble rat and do. All you can do is to what you can do to prevent it from happening, which you do so beautifully day to day. I've witnessed you parent and I'm so inspired by you in it makes me excited to be
a parent. But it's like, all you can do is go, Okay, how can I prevent as much as possible and then give him the tools to be able to handle it moving forward when he's an adult.
Yeah, you know, it's scary being a parent, though I could imagine.
Goodness, why do you think I haven't become one yet.
Let's talk about what we do when we've felt lonely in the past. I definitely know what I've done. I've eaten and turned to food, and I've scrolled to numb out like I'll turn to my phone and I'll.
Keep really fucking busy so that I have to feel it.
Yes, I've just gone straight into my work and hustled, hustled, hustled, and in my work in the past, there's always something.
To do, so it's very easy to do. Yeah, it's very.
Easy to just like hide behind the loneliness and not let anyone know how I was feeling because I was.
Just so busy. Yes, it's so easy to do.
I will notice, like my feet walking to the pantry and I'm not hungry, and I'm noticing that I'm wanting a snack and I'm super aware of it.
Now.
I'm like, are you really hungry? What's happening here for you? What do you wanna do with it? Do you want to get a snack and then sit with it? Or sit with it? And I'll notice I want to get to have a scroll. And sometimes, you know what, sometimes I allow a ten to fifteen minute moment for myself to have a numbless scroll and I'm like, okay, right, let's sit with this. Yeah, coming up, light your candle,
put some music on so it comes up. Like I refuse to abandon myself and let that build up to be a big explosion later on.
I can resonate with the working thing. You're right, it is so easy because there is always something to do, so you can never not be busy. If you're productive, You're like, oh my god, I'm moving the needle forward in my business excellent, amazing, I'm not lonely. Let's just throw that shit over my shoulder and part that let me.
Yeah, so I've definitely done that.
I've specifically have numb myself in relationships, so I distract myself with men in the past.
Not now, but debatable. I'm just kidding.
Not today, I maybe last week.
But when I was younger, it was definitely my clutch because relationships were away for me to feel really good about myself. I got a lot of validation. I got to have sex, I got to be close attention. I was always somebody to rely on emotionally, So I really leant towards having intimate relationships because I got that sense of relief. Those were probably my biggest ways. That and just any kind of form of distraction and struction. When I was younger, I used to drink a lot, So honestly,
I used to numb out a lot with drinking. Yeah, you know, because I got to be my carefree self who didn't have a care in the world, who had you know, all of our inhibitions were gone and I was just confident, fierce Tiana. I just didn't give a fuck about what anybody thought about her until I would wake up the next day and it would hit me like a ton.
Of bricks, you know.
So I was feeling yeah, But then, you know, as I grew, I realized those coping mechanisms weren't productive. You know, went celibate for like two and a half years, decided to wean away from that, stopped drinking completely, stop doing drugs, all that sort of stuff, and then just realized that like the only way to get over it is to go through it. Isn't that true, And when you show yourself it's not scary thing to feel, and you're not going to die by feeling it, it actually like dissolves.
Yeah, it's like a little tug.
It's like almost like you're standing up and there's like a two year old version of you tugging on your shirt or your pants, Like.
Can you look at me? I just need you to look here for a second.
I just can I have some attention or love or praise or just tell me that everything's going to be okay. And then when you do that, it's like, okay, cool, I'm good. I'm going to go play now. Yeah, you know, and like when you can be.
That for yourself, it soothes that.
Part of you that is longing for someone to come and tell you that it's going to be okay, so nice.
Yeah, I love that.
So for anyone listening and they're like, fuck, I just feel so lonely right now in life and everything. Do you have any advice on how I can kind of move through that?
More? Do you advise if a client came to you? So, I'm just so fucking lonely, Tianna, and I'm so sad.
I think the first thing that I would say is toist acknowledge that it's there. You know, I think a lot of the times we've run from the loneliness. And even if you admit it, are you really giving yourself permission to feel it?
Yeah?
Like, are you really.
Giving yourself half an hour to just sit and feel the emotions and let yourself cry and let all the stories come to light of that you're not good enough, or that people don't love you, or that you're never going to be loved, You're never going to find your people, Like, allow all of it to flood out and just be present without judgment, Like you've got to just let it be there and just acknowledge the fact that you're feeling lonely. Yeah, you know, I think it's important to just note it first.
But the way that I would walk my client through this is a simple perspective shift that will actually change the game of how you deal with loneliness. So one being able to acknowledge it, feel it, create space for it, don't judge it, just let it be there. But just know that this is the best time in your life. The fact that you are going through a lonely phase right now is the most productive thing that you can
do for your growth. That's cool, right because instead of automatically falling into lack and going, holy shit, there's no one in my life?
Where are they? Where's my friends?
Where's my life partner that I want to be with? Why is nobody around me? You're focused on the lack. But instead what you can do is go, holy shit, I have so much time right now to get to know myself, to create the woman that I actually want to be, so that when the people who I actually want in my life come around, they're gonna want to stick around because they're a mirror of me.
That's so cool.
You get to literally go, Okay, who are the people I'm trying to call in what do they do, how do they act, how do they behave? What are their beliefs? And then you get to go, holy shit, where am I not that become that? Give yourself time now to go holy shit, I am a work in progress so that when those people come, I am fucking ready to hold them when they come.
That's cool.
It's a beautiful way for you to not fall into self doubt in this moment because it doesn't mean anything about who you are. That's beautiful, It really doesn't. It just means that in this season there are just less people around.
What about the other day, I saw you did a video and for anyone that missed it on your social media, but you said you had a comment that they've been low for twenty five years. I'd love you to explain your take on that, because it's a long time to feel lonely.
Yeah.
Yeah, My opinion on this is there's got to come a point on your quotation's lonely journey where you are taking responsibility for where you're creating your own suffering. Yeah, and this is a very self responsibility angle to go down, but it's a really necessary part of the journey because you can sit back and go. Why is nobody coming to me? Why does nobody want to be my friend? Why is nobody going first? Why does nobody want to make the effort to come see me? It's all about
waiting for the other person to come to you. Where in that are we taking responsibility for going out and getting what we want? After twenty five years, there's got to come a point where we take responsibility for the fact that I'm actually.
Just not putting myself out there.
Yes, right, we hide behind fear because we get blame mothers. Let's say you going through a lonely period. You get comfortable in isolation. You get comfortable being by yourself, have anybody to do anything with. You're real safe, And instead of putting yourself out there and going and talking to the person at the gym, you choose to hide in the corner instead. You get comfortable doing that that you create a habit, You fucking lose your confidence and so
it just becomes this vicious cycle. But with that and knowing that, just be aware that we get comfortable in isolation and then it's actually our responsibility to go how do I get myself out of this? So what I would suggest and recommend is to make a pact with yourself and make a challenge for the next three months.
Every single day, I'm going to create and start a conversation with one person that I've never met col and just get myself comfortable talking to people again, because you will realize if you do that for three weeks time, I promise you, you won't feel as scared to make new connections and you'll actually meet a shit ton of people.
Yeah, you never know who you're going to meet, that soul aligned you've been wanting someone like this in your life.
Yeah, you have to put yourself out thehay.
Yeah.
Love that aspect of taking responsibility.
It's really important on the journey. Otherwise we'll just get stuck in feeling lonely forever and we will blame the world for us being lonely.
Yeah.
And it's not a fun place to be. And you have so much more power over yourself and your life than that.
Don't make that at your emotional home. Yeah, not a nice place to live. Oh.
As a mom too, I feel quite lucky with the friends that I have in my life, Like you're my newest friend, but I've got friends who happen twenty years but a lot of moms I see in forums all the time don't have friends. I don't have adult friends. I feel like everyone's got kids and it makes time for each other. Motherhood can be quite a lonely place. But once again, you have to prioritize your time. Steve knows how much I have valued my friends. I make time for it, and I get a lot of shit
for it online. Weep were like, oh, she puts her friends or a business or a partner before kids. It's like, no, I just they're all important to me, and I'm a better person when I'm valuing all the things that I enjoy. And having female sisterhood friendship just lights me up so much. And I also want my daughter and my son to see healthy friendships. If I'm not role modeling that, how are they going to know the importance of that. We are meant to be in tribes and are not doing
life alone. Yeah, so put yourself out there if you are listening to this being like, well, I have no friends. I don't know how to make them. Like we literally started talking at the gym. Put yourself in a mum's group, go to a gym class, go to a sip and paint, go to a breath work at the beach on Sunday morning, dance class. Yeah, anything, There's so many cool places you can meet people and you.
Just never know.
Think about how many places you go day to day. Literally you walk past so many people. Say hello to one person. Yeah, get out of your comfort zone, say hello, be courageous, just be like you know what, I'm going to rip the band aid off, don't even think about it.
Hi, how are you how today?
Yeah?
Say oh wow, a nice outfit? Oh my god, wow, I really like your hair. It's really so simple, but we as humans over complicated and truly, if you want to get out of this lonely phase, you've got to do things differently and.
Also be okay to be rejected if that person doesn't smile back or say hello back. Don't attach yourself to a story that oh I'm not good enough. They could just be having a really fucking bad day. Their mum could have just died. They're not the mood to talk to you.
That's okay.
Yeah, don't attached self to one story.
Try again. You just give up. When something gets hard, you go again.
You know it really helped me with that. It's like facing rejection is going. If I'm so terrified of saying hello to somebody else, imagine what they're thinking. Yeah, imagine how scared that person is to be the one to make the first move, because we always wait for somebody else to make the first move. When we wait and we wait and we wait, and then we're twenty five years lonely, literally, right, So just know that if you're scared,
the other person is scared too. So why don't you just be the one to break the ice.
Yeah, they will try again.
They will thank you for it later.
I feel like babies really inspiring this sense. It's like when they're trying to crawl a walk. Do they get up and fall down and just give up? Hell no, They will get up and get up and get up until their little legs give way and they've got no more strength of them. It's time for fucking bed. Yeah. They will not stop until they get it. They're so determined that they get frustrated they can't do it. You'll see them climbing up on literally everything because they just want to be able to walk.
Yeah. I think it's so inspiring.
That's amazing.
Like when you get rejected, try again. When that person says no, try again again for that job you didn't get it, Try again.
Yeah, it's like you've gotta be willing to try hundreds two times and understand something.
Try again, find a new video, find a new podcast, ask another question, try again, get back up. Yeah, it's just life. Yes, and just give up because life feels hard.
And then it's knowing how many times it takes before you give up, Like what's your limit? Can you stretch your capacity on? How many times you try before you give up? Can you stretch your capacity literally?
Try again?
I remember tell your swifts.
I don't know how many, but it's hundreds of record label companies. She sent her tapes to hundreds, rejection after rejection after rejection. No one would take her on. Wow, it's not good enough, don't have strong enough vocals, all the excuses in the world, until someone was like, I'll give you a go, and now look at it. She's the most downloaded pop star in our universe right now.
Am my god.
She's like one of the most influential women in the world.
Actually, because she never gave up. She just kept on knocking. She's knocking on all the wrong doors until she found no one, but she was determined. She's like, I'm not stopping. This is what I would do for the rest of my life. Mister Beasts, He's another example. I watched an interview with him the other day and he just said
growing up, he was the most stubborn little fucker. He goes, I would still be doing neutbe right now even if I was getting no views, because I was determined to make it happen.
And for the first four years I got no views. Yeah, no one was watching me.
I was putting weeks and weeks of effort into filming, into editing, into learning, or doing the most outrageous videos that no one else was doing because they're hard. Yeah, I still do the most outrageous videos that are really hard that no one else is doing, and that's why people love watching me now. Cool, But he's like, I would still be doing it now because I'm so determined and I'm so stubborn that like, nothing will get in my way. I've got this personality just gets so obsessed
you can't knock me down and plaser focus. Yeah, people didn't like me, and I didn't connect with anyone, even at school. He said, all the kids were watching South Park and Simpsons or whatever. He was like, what a fucking waste of time. I don't belong here. Yeah, why are you not wanting to grow businesses and being entrepreneurs? He just couldn't relate, but he's like, I don't care about my word, Lane, I'm going to go after it.
Just get up, try again, push go.
Thank you guys for joining us.
Thanks, we'll see you Leada, bye
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