Apoday production.
We begin today by acknowledging the traditional custodians of the land on which we gather today and pay our respects to their elders past and present. We extend that respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people's here today. Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm Ashy, I'm Kiara. This is a podcast where we learn, laugh, and level up together. Let's go deep, let.
The emotions flow, and find the lessons to grow and Glow. Nothing is off the table with Grow and Glow, and we're here to be your expander.
Hello, guys, welcome back to the show today. This has been a requested episode.
It has. Yeah, we talk about this a lot and we're still like learning about it ourselves. Yeah, and it's so interesting, so interesting.
It makes you understand yourself so much more and hold more compassion for yourself because a lot of this stems from our childhood.
Definitely.
Yeah.
So all the attachment styles, So we're gonna explain what attachment styles are, go over each of them and break them down in white sized chunks so you can understand the foundation of them all. And then obviously, if you want to learn more there's so much online different youtubes and podcasts, whatever, but this is a good starting point to actually understand them. And there's also a test you can do online. However, I was going to hunt for another test because I wasn't really sold on this test.
Well.
For me, particularly because I didn't grow up with my father, I just felt like it doesn't represent where I'm at right now, but it represented when he was in my life because I feel like I've done a lot of growth. And these attachment styles, like anything like your love languages, etc. They can ebb and flow and change. It's not linear, it's not like that's what you're going to be forever.
They can change depending on the relationships that you have, who's in your life, what's happened in your childhood, how much healing you do, how much understanding you have around it. So don't get attached to oh, that's just who I am. It's not your identity, definitely not. It's just part of you know, your journey, and it can change and it's different for different people as well, which we've learned.
Yeah, and even like Ash and I were chatting at dinner last night about it a bit, and I was like, WHOA like at that point in my life, I was like that, And at that point in my life, I was like that. So I can definitely look back and reflect and see it so many different times in my life where I've been in different places, which is really.
Cool, so freaking cool.
Yeah.
So, attachment styles are typically formed during our childhood and through our parents or our caregivers, through all of our interactions, and then they can influence our adult relationships and behavior. Our attachment styles really can impact how strong our relationships are or how much we struggle to maintain and create
beautifully connected relationships. But the key is to have awareness around your own and it can really help you navigate relationships and have compassion for yourself and why you are the way that you are in relationships, but not only relationships, also your friendships as well. However, like most of these things, they can change depending on the people that we have relationships with and how much we work on ourselves, get therapy and even have positive experiences in relationships can alter
how that we show up in the next relationship. Yes, so let's get straight into it.
So first one is secure attachment, and that is basically somebody who is comfortable with being independent. That's what kind of pops into my mind. Someone who's you know, secure within themselves, secure within the relationships.
They tend to have really long lasting, healthy relationships because they feel secure.
Yes.
I don't see them as hyper independent though, because I feel like they're very trusting. Yeah, like they're trusting to be in a relationship. They trust that person, there's no anxiety around it. Therefore their relationships are really healthily bonded.
Yeah, not hyper independent, but they're independent.
They're not codependent on it. No, I don't know, but they're not hyper independent either, because they have the trust to be in a relationship with someone else. Yes, they're secure, secure, secure in their relationships, safe and secure. Yeah. The next one is anxious attachment. The people that have this attachment style, they really fear being rejected and fear being abandoned and also feel like they're never good enough and they need
a lot from the people around them. If you're an anxious attachment in a relationship, you need a lot of validation, you need a lot of reassurance, and you're like where you're at, what are you doing? And like you need a lot from that other person, And that can come from having caregivers or parents that were really not emotionally available to you and you didn't get your needs met as a little girl or boy. That's where it kind of stems.
From, definitely. So the next one is avoidant, and it's basically the opposite. I feel like an attachment. It's like you don't want to get too close. You step away from relationships when they start to get really serious because you don't feel comfortable, you don't feel like you're worthy of love. And again coming back from a little child growing up who hasn't had that emotional support around them, maybe hasn't felt that love before, so it feels really
uncomfortable for them. So as soon as things start to get serious or certain things happen, they tend to kind of back away.
Yeah, sin as they get too close, it's like this big and visible war goes up and they're like, bang on a second, I'm going to close you off here, or like start cutting you off, or like pull away and just avoid the relationship interactions because it doesn't feel safe. Yeah. I suppose they do, too, have a bit of fear of what can happen because they're not fully trusted in, but rather avoid and that feels more safer to them, definitely. Yeah, they never want to depend on anyone else, so they
are definitely more hyper independent being on their own. Yes, that feels safer.
So disorganized is kind of a mixture between anxious and avoidant. So it's somebody who's not secure, but will go through phases of like one if you've really attached to someone, and then another phase of being like oh no, I'm getting too close, and then avoid So it's kind of a person that's got a mixture of the two together.
So interesting, isn't now? Yeah. So a lot of the time people with this attachment style had inconsistent caregiving in the childhood, which then makes them really confused about relationships and not know actually what feels good or bad to them. Yeah, so they just get really confused, really frazzled, and yet go in and out and like ugh, they're not very grounded and clear on what they want.
Start to give everything and then like, hang on a second, This is scary pull.
Yes, for adults with disorganized attachment, the partner, the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear. Yeah, how fascinating is that?
That's so interesting?
So on the one hand, fearful avoidant people do want intimacy and closeness, but on the other hand they experience troubles trusting and depending on others. Yeah, so confusing that one. So confusing, really hard one, I feel. Yeah. People with this attachment style also often struggle with identifying and regulating their own emotions and tend to avoid strong emotional attachment due to their intense fear of getting hurt.
I wanted to touch on this as well because I thought this is really interesting what I saw. So it's when to worry about your attachment style because you might be in a place and be like, it's not an issue in your life and it's fun, and be aware of where you're at and have so much knowledge around yourself that it feels okay. But then this is kind of like when to start going okay, Do I need to make some changes?
Yes.
So chances are that many of us don't fully identify with the traits of secure attachment. Even if we think we have stable relationships, that might be patterns in our behavior that keep bothering us or making ours stress or unhappy. Unfortunately, some of us will recognize ourselves in the traits of
one of the three insecure attachment types. If you identify with one of the insecure attachment styles in relationships, it is highly recommended that you actively address the issues through increasing self awareness, working on self development, and if necessary, seeking psychological help. If you leave it unaddressed or strongly repressed as well, you can become really unstable and it can cause so much anxiety, depression and other mental health
issues too. And something else that I learned that I found really fascinating is even if you are in a secure attachment style, you have a second one. So when life gets tough or you are triggered, you slip back into your secondary one, which is really cool too. So even if you take the quiz and you're like, oh, okay, that's where I'm at, You've still got to be mindful and constantly aware and being like, okay, am I slipping back into that little girl that's feeling scared or that
little girl that's like stepping away. So yeah, it's such a cool thing to learn about. I've got so many people to take the quiz around me because it made me understand like Kurt's mum so much more. Maybe I'm stay Kurt so much more. Holy crap, the amount I learned from myself through doing this was amazing.
Yeah, so interesting.
Yeah, so me personally, I found it really spot on for like me, Kurt, and Deb. But I think your situation is very different too, because you are not a normal quote unquote normal situation, you know what I mean, Like you didn't have your father figure in your life.
But that affected my attachment styles. But the test was more like the questions of like if my father's even in my life now, it's like, do you go to him? Can you run to him? Do you feel safe with him? I'm like, I don't know. Obviously not because he's not there, But I've also done so much work around their upset that that caused me in my teens in early twenties that there's no attachment at all to that anymore. Yeah, So it har doesn't resonate because it's he's not actually in my life.
But then what happened for me, which I'll dig in too, is like with my parents, right, I might have had like severely anxious or severely avoidant, but then my relationships now have made me become so much more secure within myself. So basically it shows how much our childhood really can shape us and the situations that we're brought up in. Like me feeling it out, it was a bit of a tough one, like I was feeling it out and like some of these questions are making me feel a
little bit like ooh, you know. Basically, there's four categories when you fill out the quiz. There's one that is all related to the mother figure in your life. Then there's one that's related all to the father figure in your life. There's one if you are in a partnership that's dedicated all to your partnership, and there's one on basically everyone else, like the outside perception of you and how you feel showing up in the world as a whole.
So my test overall came back secure, but it was really interesting because it made me kind of sit back and reflects. And also just by looking at the quiz, I was like, if I didn't have Curt in my life for all those amount of years, I would be disorgan I think I would have avoidant in there, and I think I would have anxious attachment as well. But he's helped bring me so much love and security that I guess I've learned to trust again, and even my
friendships in my life. I feel like the friendships in my life have have brought me so much healing and so much closure. But I was even saying to Ashley, like we're talking about when we were younger, and I said, I feel like all the way through, like when I was younger, I was super avoidant. I didn't really get super close to friends. I would get close enough to like get invited to like parties and things do that, but I would never or very rarely get like super
duper close. And it's because I was just literally afraid of somebody letting me down. And then I also have definitely seen myself over the years. I think once Kurt and I started to get super committed, so like when we first got our house and stuff like that, eb and flow out of anxious because I was like, Okay, now we're at a point where this is really serious, and I'm like I'm relying on him for this, I'm relying him to show up as a good dad. I'm
relying for that. So there's been moments I'm like, oh out, dip in it out.
Yeah.
I feel like now like I do feel in a really good place, and it's just really crazy to see how much it can change and how even big life experiences, like if you were tomorrow deceived by somebody that you love so deeply, that's going to knock it. That's going to hurt you, that's going to hurt that work that you've done. But it just made me feel so much compassion for myself, and I think I got to the end and I was like, Wow, it's just a really
cool reflection. And then, like I said, Kurt's mum did the test as well, and I won't speak about it because obviously it's a personal thing, but just looking at her and like hearing her upbringing and like what hers was, just seeing it all, I was like, that's really fascinating, and I feel like I really kind of got to understand her more even just by learning about it upbringing. Because of the prompter questions, I was like, is that what it was like? She's like, yeah, that's what it was.
Like It's like, wow, so cool.
Yeah. I think the test if you've had both parents in your life, it would be relevant. But for me, all the questions about my father, I was like, I don't know, Yeah, do I run? No, I don't have him to run to, like even if he was here, I don't know if I would feel safe, Like no, So they all had to be on that end of the scale. But I was like, they're not really true
because I don't really know. But it was cool just to read up and study more of this, and I feel like growing up, I've definitely been anxious with relationships with friendships, anxious attachment. That's the one I most related to. But however, the same thing being with Steve for sixteen years now, Like I giggle because I'm like, I'm so secure.
I feel so secure with him. I feel like over the last couple of years, I've had awareness around my anxious attachment to friendships and I've really grown through that now and now I feel really secure. Yeah, but that's had to go through some friendship like breakdowns or just growing apart and realizing, like how hard I found that even if nothing's happened, they're not having them in my life, or it's changing and not being in contact as much or whatever. That was a trends for me to go through.
And having an understanding about these attachment styles helped me have compassion for myself and just I don't know, I found it easy to get through once I understood all of this, because it's like, why do I feel so sad and they don't seem to give a shit? Or like, why is this weighing me down so much? And it's
because I probably didn't even feel secure within myself. But over the last couple of years, I feel like I've just done so much immense growth on myself that I feel really secure with myself, which helps me feel secure in my other relationships. Plus I feel like the older you get, you just do have more grounded, connected, beautiful, safe relationships. So I feel like overall I'm secure now, but definitely growing up was anxious and then the disorganized.
I can see over the time, if I went super anxious, I would then go into disorganized of like avoid because I don't want to get hurt. And there was times over the years in my twenties where I felt used by people, And I know that's a bit of mentality and it's a story and that's not necessarily the truth. But after feeling new by someone, I would then go avoidant. Yeah, I'm like, I can't get too close because they only want my money, they only want my following, they only
want the fame I can bring. That's once again, not the truth, just thought processes that went through my head. But I can see how I pulled back and went to avoidant. Yeah, so like I don't want that to happen again. That hurt too much.
And also you can probably see too, like having a
step back. If someone's more in their attachment and someone's more on their avoidant, it could really push each other more into each other's so like somebody been like I need you or I need you to feel company and they're like, no, it's too much, too much, So you can really see how it can make relationships clash or where they might be feeling difficult or hard if you're both leaning into that yeah, and needing to do the work to progress through it.
Definitely. Megsy always talks about this with her attachment style and my attachment style are like really different. We've had really to help me just learn and understand more because in situations where I'm like, oh, I'm really sad about this and she's like, oh, I would have avoided that, like you know, whereas I'm like when to talk about it and I want to get closure and like let's come up with answers and like how are you feeling,
and like checking in and she's just like avoid. You know, It's so interesting and so cool when you understand it once again, not only have the compassion for yourself, but when you know your partner's attachment style when they are like say, for example, great example for me and Steve, when we first got together, I used to travel a lot. He had past relationships that had been not faithful, so when I used to go overseas, he was anxious attachment. He would be really triggered and I needed a lot
more contact and vice versa. The same with me. I've never been cheated on, but just because I grew up with not feeling secure with my home life and my stepdad, I definitely was anxious towards Steve. So if people wasn't around, or he went out or he went overseas, I definitely felt anxious and needed more from him. Whereas now if he go over seas, I'm like, see, yeah, have the best time, and like when it calls, I love it, But I definitely don't need that. I do not need
that at all. And it's so cool to come out the other side of that because living in an anxious state by any means, it doesn't feel need. Yeah, it's exhausting. You just don't feel happy, and then you carry guilt and shame around it. I don't know, it doesn't feel good.
So I really hope us unpacking this today and we've tried to really simplify it because it can be quite overwhelming to learn all of things, like we're still learning about it, but once you understand it, yeah, you just have so much more compassion for where you're at, where you've come from, your parents, where they're at, your partners where they're at, and you can work through it together.
And also knowing you can change, you can evolve. Even if you're listening to this going like, oh man, I feel like i'm a bit this er, I'm a bit that it's like, well well done. First of all, like round of applause. Yes, you've acknowledged it. I was there, And now you're like, hey, what work do I need
to do to make this girl feel safe again? How can I make her feel safe and secure within myself and give her the love, the connection and everything that she needs, Because at the end of the day, we can only do that for ourselves.
That's the inner child work. Hey, we're watching videos last night on this. It's like when you feel triggered and you come from a trigger state or you're feeling anxious or whatever, it's like, you know, you're in a child. She's not gone. She's just a little part of who you are today, and she still needs nurturing, especially if you are triggered or feeling anxious. But they can change so much like you said, if you're in a stress state,
can slip back into your old attachment style. But that's okay, like your humans. Humans are messy. That's it.
It's it's nay and beautiful.
Yeah, it's not this like one straight narrow line that we just like Dick diictck all the boxes and like just go about life like Gere robot. You feel things and when you feel a lot, you love a lot. When you're heard, it's because you care.
Yeah, you know.
It's just a beautiful journey. But the more we understand, the more we expand out toolbox, the more we have compassion, the less turbulent life has to feel. And that's a goal for me, Like I would love to be unshakeable and not on the point that I never get upset or never go through hard times. But I'd love like when I get that turbulence within my body that I
can navigate it better because I understand it. What you don't know, you don't know, you don't know and understand like you just fall into victim or you feel stuck or you just think that's the way things are. When you understand, you're like, ah, that's because of this. Okay, cool, that's where I'm at right now. Okay, what tools are want to use to move through that? Or if I don't know who am I going to reach out to
hell for? What? Podcasts will let's to learn more? Well, thanks for joining us, guys.
We'll see you on Friday.
Bye bye
Mm hmm