Apogay Production.
Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashley and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
Get ready for your next level of self.
Hello everybody, Welcome back to a Wednesday episode where I'm gonna ask lovely Tiana a bunch of questions and I'm also going to answer them.
But the trick is she doesn't know what I'm gonna ask her. I am low key terrified.
No, they're not scary questions. They're just really deep questions. And one of them was actually inspired by Taj, which we'll do at the end, because he asked me this last week and that's what kind of sparked the idea of this episode. Some to ask some deep questions because I just love hearing your perspective on things. And also, you guys listening, think about what you would answer because
it helps get clarity. Do were you're at, what you're wanting maybe what's not serving you just gonna be a fun, more deeper episode.
I love it all right.
First question, if there is one thing that you could change from your past, what would it be and why I.
Wouldn't go back and change anything. There's nothing that really comes to mind, because when I look at my journey and the woman that I am today, if I didn't have to go through the things that I went through, I wouldn't be who I am. Yes, you know what I mean. So there's nothing that I would take out, because then it would mean that I wouldn't get to be this version of me. I'm proud of this version
of me, you know. So I don't think that there's anything that I would change, even all the hardship, even all the stuff that I went even the sex tape, Like, I wouldn't change it. And it sounds a bit weird because you're like, why that's cool to happen. But I needed to go through the change and the shame and all of the things that came up for me around that so I could evolve into this version of me that's really freaking cool. How about you.
I think I would have loved to have changed when I started doing nervous system regulation, work because I think I wish I was a better mother for Tage when he was a baby. The version of who I am now and how I've been out to be for Tala is just so different. Not that I was a bad mum before any Karen's jump at me. I was just so disregulated. I was so depressed. I really wasn't coping with life. It was at the peak in my career, the peak of the trolls, and I just I just
feel like I was an anxious wreck. Like I remember times where we'd be driving, He'd be screaming in the back and I would have a full blown panic attack. I could not handle him crying. I have to pull over and I would be shaking, trying to calm myself down whilst my child is crying and as if he's going to calm down when I'm like that, and I just look back and I have compassion for myself because I.
Was really just not in a good way.
I don't think I gave him realized how deep and dark I was in because I had to continue to show up for zashi Byn's and do this and do that, and support these women and do all these ads and fund the business and show up on stage and I had to put the front on. I enjoyed all of that, but whilst trying to hold my pain, I just, yeah, I didn't cope. I wish I started it earlier so
he could have had this version of me. Yeah, But then I look at him and I feel him and I see him, and he's just the most beautiful little boy. He's so compassionate and loving and caring, and he's such a good listener and he's just beautiful. So I did something right. But yeah, that's what I wish I could
take back. If I ever think about guilt and shame, it's always around him as a little baby and toddler, and even the thought of you know, when I've spoken about how I wanted to end my life, he was, you know, a year and a half, and I would just carry guilt around, like the thought of leaving him behind, like how could I do that to my son? So yeah, what makes the emotional.
Yeah, I just feel sad.
This always comes up, heh. But like I've done like three shame circles and it's always the same thing. I just feel feel sad that he got that version of me, and I feel stoke talal against his version of me. But I sometimes look at him and I'm like, oh, I wish I could have done better for him, but I was like barely keeping my.
Own head afloat, you know.
So yeah, that's what I would change. Gosh, it always brings it up.
Yeah, like, yeah, I've broke through that. Nope, Hello, yeah it's still there. Players Yeah.
I always wonder if that's always just gonna sit there, Like, well I ever move through that? Okay, tears are out right now. Do you think there is one thing that truly holds you back from achieving your goals, from being who you want to be, from living the life you want it? Do you think there's one thing that keeps arising And you're like, oh.
I would say there's like these deep underlying belief that I have that like I'm not capable of achieving the things that I want and I've lotable. I feel like it comes out in everything that I do, Like even when I'm doing stuff, it's there, you know what I mean. It's not like it goes away or like you learn
how to deal with it and it becomes quieter. But I just feel like there's definitely a deep root of beliefs sometimes where I'll lean on that belief when I'm procrastinating or something and I notice the fear, and you know, maybe there'll be certain areas in my life or business or maybe something that I do where I'm like, oh, like I want to reach for the stars, but then I feel like, but what if I fuck it up?
Or like what if it doesn't work out, or what if you know, I'm not capable, And it's just like this little niggle of like a fear that kind of just like lingers around. So I think that definitely in the past, I would say that that's stopped me, and I can even see where it comes up. Now whenever I'm procrastinating or whatever, I'm like, I notice it and
then I'm like, okay, cool. The only difference is now I'm a little bit better at learning how to move regardless of that fear, you know, like now I'm conscious of the fact that the fear can be there. But then go, okay, like I don't have to let this fear define me now. You know. It's like, do I really want this fear to be the reason why I don't achieve what I want or prove to myself that I'm capable or create the impact that I know that
I'm capable of doing. It's like, is that fear and the thought of the fear worth me not doing all those incredible things? And it's just not. Yeah, you know, so I can catch it and I can clock it, but I have to be aware of it, you know, because it's just there. Yeah, I love that. One's kind of similar. It's similar. Similar. Lately, I've been saying some weird words me and you now the day vibe, but you were saying every now and again, we'll both say something really Bogan, it's just come out.
And I always combine Katie and j our producers their name Katie and k Yeah, okay, mine's similar, And I catch myself in it, and I think I catch myself quicker because you're next to me, because it revolves around our work, and it's around the podcast, around teaching, around our events, around our future plans I have. I don't know if it's a post syndrome self doubt, just a story that I.
Can't do it because I'm not a coach.
Yeah, I haven't studied to become a coach, and I'm never claiming to be a coach. I've always just shared my life online and it's resonated and helped and people can take it with a grain of salt. But I have little moments of like can I get up and talk about that? Yeah, in my own books too, because I catch it pretty quickly and be like, sure, that's silly, because I'm not claiming to be a coach, and I learned from real people and real experiences and real stories
and real pain. I couldn't care less if someone's qualified or not. Yes, I'm not discrediting that. It's amazing. I love that you're qualified and a coach, and so all my coaches and psychologists and learn from everyone. But I just have to get up there and be myself, and people are there to hear our stories and to hear what we've learned along the way. But there is those little moments of like ooh, I pull back, or I'm like, oh,
you do that, Tiana. I'll sit behind your shadow. I'll just be here and you're like, no, no, no, we're doing this together. I'll lead here, you can help me with this, and you lead here, and you know we'll work together as a team vice versa. It's really beautiful because my weaknesses are your strengths and vice versa. We both bring so much to the table and whatever we're feeling like we're lacking in or we need to work on more, the other kind of picks it up and teaches us as we go.
It's really cool. We've got a really beautiful dynamic. It is beautiful like that. Yeah, But I have a bit of self doubt sometimes creep in. I think everyone would never work that so human in that in every area of life. Yeah, pops up for everyone. You know. It's just such an innate thing that we feel today, and like it's okay that we feel it, but it doesn't
have to mean anything about who we are. Yeah. Like even literally me just before, like I literally said to actually, I was like, oh, I'm just like having a day where I'm just like I have doubt today, Like I'm doubting myself, myself, you know, doubting what I was saying or doubting you know, the things that I was bringing up or whatever. But it's like, you know, I think there's gonna be a lot of women who can relate to that as well.
And I think it also comes from a place of having such high standards for ourselves and for the information we deliver and the podcast we do in the events that we run. Like if you girls would see the behind the scenes work that goes into our events. We put our heart and souls into this. It is so thought out. We've taken the last fifteen years of us doing coaching and getting help and going to events and courses and studying and podcasts and bring everything in a condensed,
compact little box for you girls. Like, there's so much put into it. So I think we just have really high standards for what we deliver and because weeoplet to help so much, we've truly genuinely love making a different women's lives. Yeah, and it's just really important to us. So I think there's a few layers to it. But yeah, that pops off for me. Okay, next good or bad, No offense taken. But what is one thing that you would change about me? It can be funny, it can be serious, it can be annoying.
Oh god, I feel like this is one of those questions where we're getting baited, like, yeah, yeah, she's gonna hit the I'm just kidding to do this is Steve. Often, I'll like ask a question about his past. Yeah, this is.
We don't want to know.
That you do. Then it's like yes, it's like I'm mad at you. Yeah, okay, what would I There's so many beautiful things that I love about you.
I just it's not the question to I know, you don't have to sandwiched.
You realize you don't have to sandwich Okay. I mentioned this to you before in the car where sometimes when you're not getting away, or like things aren't going your way or things aren't going to plan or something like that, you'll delay the way that you speak. It's really slow. It's like in a different tone, is it. Yeah? Okay, yeah, yeah, oh do you really like it? Just it's like this thing and like I can you can tell them unhappy or yeah, It's like it's not angry or anything like that.
It's just like a it's a difference of energy and I can feel it, and I would say that like with that, that would be the thing that I would like change. It's just like the how does it make you feel?
Just to help me get more clarity, because I think for me, I'm taking space to think about how I want to say things interesting, But how does it make you feel?
Because that would help me under okay, And the way that it makes me feel is that and this is obviously a projection, right, this is not necessarily true. This is what would be very true.
Though.
What my mind thinks of is like, oh, she's not happy, but she doesn't want to say yeah because it's a delayed thing. Oh yeah. And then it's like if there's nothing said afterwards, and I'm like, or what does she think? How she feeling? What's going through my mind right now? And then I start to project.
And without transparency, there's uncertainty yea, which is not safe. Yeah, yes, that makes so much sense. And yeah, for me, it's just take a moment you're triggered or you're upset, or you're not sure. Sometimes I'm not sure how to communicate that I'm not happy. Yeah, I just need a moment to be like, oh, maybe I'll ask her some more questions to give me time to think.
About what I want to say, right, okay, because I'm.
Just still working on my way to communicate and have a voice in a productive kind way, yes, rather just being like oh fuck that or I feel like that's.
Been a huge thing for you as well, Like you're always conscious of not being passive aggressive or having the dagular stuff. You've had wounds in the past where you've been that, so it's like you're overly conscious now of making sure that you're not showing up in that way because you don't want to create. I want to be the most conscious version of yourself to communicate in the best way, so I can understand.
Why I think I would speak before I've thought but in the past. Yeah, So I'm just trying to practice taking a moment. But Steve says, he says the same things he'll notice, like a high pitch voice, for example, this is just fluffy, But did you like me and like cook And I'm like, yeah, it was good, but I think it's spicy as like you hate it.
I'm like, yeah, it didn't taste red.
But I've had that moment to them be like, oh, actually, I don't want to offend him and be like it was fucking disgusting.
So I just need a bit of time to Yeah, And you know what, taking time is actually a good thing because then it's like you're not having to undo stuff, You're not having to clean up mess that you've made. If if you maybe react in the way and not saying you'd react badly, but taking space in those moments is so good because then you can consciously think, like, this is what I want to say. It's also a trauma response.
So now I'm thinking about it because I feel like I could say my truth with you and you'd be able to hold it because you know my intentions aren't malicious and I'm just being honest. But I think in the past people that haven't been able to hold that might have questioned my intention behind it. So now it's a trauma response of like, actually, that's right.
It was spoken about this before where you were like, oh, sorry if that was too direct, and there's been times we've been mindful of that you'd been like, I'm so sorry if I was too direct. I'm like, no, like bring it in, but I think you're going to leave.
I think that's an issues in the past, there's being friends that have said it's too much, or you shouldn't say that, or that's too loud or too aggressive, or you know, you should keep that to yourself.
I didn't need to hear that. I didn't ask you for that. You know, those kind of comments fucked.
Yes, I think it's a bit of a trauma response. Now it's like a bit more hesitant. Yeah, but that's not you think that's a me thing?
Yeah for sure. Isn't it crazy? Though? When we have those experiences, it doesn't matter who you're weird, it'll still come up if you like comet.
Super aware of it though, Yeah, yeah, just navigating how to ye still use my voice?
But yeah, it's tricky. Yeah, I'm a work in progress. Okay, one thing I will change about you. Okay, I got two. Okay, one's funny and one's really serious. Okay.
The first one is just to charge your flucking phone. It gives me anxiety.
It gives me actual anxiety.
It'd be we're the gym and at six am, just a guy, I'm only on fifteen percent. I'm like, and this isn't me thing too, why don't you charge your phone? Mine gets below fifty percent. I'm looking for my charge.
It's true.
And maybe because I'm a mum, I just have to be on high alert that if my nanny needs me or the school calls me, I just have to have charge. I never go anywhere without it's literally right next to me, my portable charger. All the time for your phone to be charged. That would be my number one and the number two thing I've noticed, and I've spoken to you about this so it won't be a shock. And Steve's also You've got an isolationship with Steve and he's told you as well. Is just we feel that you get
a bit influenced and lose your voice in relationships. They can say a passing comment about the way you're doing things or showing up or saying or social media presence, you'll take it like gospel, like you change it, and you'll do it to fit in with them. And I think you kind of lose yourself and then you get confused with what you're doing, and then you get stuck and you don't know what to do or how to show up. I wish for the future that your next partner that isn't a thing and you just or even
if it was. You're so strong in your own beliefs of knowing where you want to go and who you are and what you want to post and how you want to do things because you have so much confidence within you until a man comes along and then little parts of it just gets shut down.
I fucking hate it.
Because you're such a shining star. You're so bright in my life, so obviously that being turned down a little bit, I'm like, get really protective.
I'm like, no, I hate it.
Yeah, really I feel tell me. I know I bring it in, but it's from a place of love. I love everything about you, and I don't think anything needs to be changed. So the thought of someone influencing you that you need to change, I'm like, how can you change perfection? She's a twelve out of ten and always, you know.
I definitely do do that. I feel that the men that i'm especially if they're successful in business. You know, this is my second business now and I have my coaching business. But I think whenever I have somebody in my life who I look up to or i'm inspired by, and that usually turns out to be my partners because they're either really successful in business or have done or are doing what I want to do. It's almost like I've prioritize their opinion over my own when it comes
to put a business because it specifically is around business. Yes, And when it comes to that, I'm like, they will tell me something a piece of advice or you know, I'll share with them and confide in them around something in business, and then they'll give me advice, but you should be doing this, and they're so convicted in what they're doing, I'm like, oh, fuck, am I doing it like wrong?
Yeah?
You know, and it's not changing it wrong, but like, oh, could I be doing this better? That work better? Would that work better? Would it work faster? Would it be more efficient? Like? Is that the way that I need to kind of go in life? And so I kind of lean on theirs, But then I get further away from what I genuinely want to do. So I'm thinking about the way to do business based on what they're
doing instead of what I genuinely want deep down. And then I start to question like my ability to make decisions because I'm relying on them and not listening to myself and changing. And then I get really wishy washy, and then I start to kind of like get small. Yeah you do.
I've just seen it twice now, so I just hope for the next one that that's not even a thing, or if it is, you're strong enough to be like, it's your opinion.
It's definitely truly love what I'm doing. Yeah, it's definitely definitely not of them. Think it's more of a meeting, you know, because it's my choice to do that. It's not that they're forcing me to do anything or saying you have to do this or you're going to fail. They're not saying that they want the best for me. Yeah, And they've only given advice because they do want the best.
And based on their own experience and what they think, which everyone can give you two cents like I can give you my two cents compared to anyone around you, your parents, whatever, that's.
Right, And they give advice based on their mistakes, their failures, things that they want to help me avoid paying for. But it just so happens to be that it might be different for what I truly want business.
So yeah, it makes so much sense. Yeah, all right, are you truly happy right now in your.
Life duality babe? Yeah? Answer, I'm happy in one sense where I'm happy with where I'm ad in life, what we're doing with the podcast, Like the people in my life, I have a lot of gratitude for those things, and I'm really grateful to be able to just like wake up every day and of a good life and breathe and have fresh water and have a roof over my head, all those sorts of things. So grateful for the quality
of life that I live. But then in the same breath, there's lots of discomfort as well, you know, discomfort of like growing this business with you and like pushing beyond challenges, but personal challenges. There's grief. There's you know, holding the people that you love in pain, like with everything that you guys have just all gone through, do you know what I mean? So there's breakups relationship, Yeah, just gone through a breakup, So that's hard. Yeah. So there's a
lot of duality in life. So in one hand, yes, there's a part of me that is happy, and then there's also a part of me that's also experiencing a lot of like sadness at the moment of just like, oh my heart hurts a little bit.
Yeah, you know, my answer be very similar. Yeah, it's weird to hold all I feel like. That's what twenty twenty five has been about, is actually stretching the capacity to be able to hold all the emotions. Because I felt like you're either really low and depressed and going through hard times or you're really happy in life's good.
Whereas I wake up each day and go to bed each night with gratitude, love, excitement, and then also the deepest, darkest grief and sadness and frustration and anger, And I like dip in and out of those. Yeah, that's why I love end in the night and meditation because it just like dissolves all of that and I just get to breathe my way to sleep. Yeah, so I'm not going to bed with my head ticking out of all
the emotions. But yeah, I feel both too, a lot of grief obviously, little rambo, frustration, anger, disappointment, like energy, and then yeah, fuck.
Your life's good. Yeah, I love life people.
I'm excited even the challenges in business and life like, I'm excited for it all. Yeah, it's been of both love that answer. Yeah, if you could have three wishes, what would they be doing? Me to go first? I'll go, okay, you go, I just off the cast.
Yes, the first one would be for myself and all the people that I love, to be completely financially free, like never have to worry about money ever again. And I say me and the people that I love, so that we can all go on that journey together. So I think like life is more beautiful when you're experiencing things together. The second one would be like endless opportunities.
Kind of life is like that anyway, but just like endless opportunities for what it is that you want to do in terms of what you do it create and the impact that you can have through those endless opportunities. Can I say like endless wishes?
No, So Taj actually asked me this question. Yeah, and they said that was the run rules. You can't wish for more wishes?
Okay. Three he asked me this last week randomly in the car, is like, this is a cool question. The last thing I would say is for everyone to be able to experience fulfillment, love and for all that's lovely. Yeah, that's really cool. How are you Mine?
Is no animal cruelty, no starvation, beautiful kills me. I just no one should ever go without food, water, and unlimited money, because then I can help unlimited families, like all the medical bills I get sent so many go fundments every single day in the amount of families that need money to cover medical bills, a never ending problem in the world.
And the experiences you.
Could take all your friends and family on, Yeah, they could all be financially free. Yeah. If you had to make so much impact and I know I was to come across that kind of money, the good I would do with it, Yeah, it wouldn't be wasted.
Yeah, all right.
Last one, it's quite a big question time. What is your dream life? Would it be different to how you're living now? You had your dream life, your dream routine, dream day every day, what would that look like? And think like dream, I think big, Like would you have a driver? Would you have a chef?
Like all the big things have I'd have a big like luxury home one, I'd have a chef. Yeah, I'd have like a housekeeper. Yeah. If I had children, I would have a nanny to help with that. Unlimited resources in terms of being able to like travel, go places, get whatever it is in my flight when whenever I want. But the vision that I seen for myself is like
being able to eventually be a mom. Right, But I want to be able to be like on stages, like I want to be able to create impact and a large scale one that seems so far beyond fucking possible of what I'm currently doing now it scares the shit out of me.
Like I want to talk like a talk like I would love to do that.
Do stadiums full of people talking like it's terrifying, But it also is like the growth that you would have as a person. For me to be able to create that for myself would be so fulfilling. And working on a project that big with so many people around you, I feel like would be such a beautiful thing to experience, so cool that the part like I obviously want to find like my person who you know person, but who
even is your person? But the body and Clyde kind of union, Like I've always just really wanted, like a union with somebody to like create and build and like make all of these things possible. So that and just living a good quality life. Yeah, so always reaching for growth, but living simultaneously really good quality of life and being happy. That's beautiful.
Yeah, I feel like might be pretty similar. I truly do love my life. I feel like we're outgrowing the home we're in, which makes me sad because whenever we start looking at homes to buy, which I reckon will probably buy one by the year, I would hope, But the thought of leaving our street and our home. Our home is not a huge mansion at the moment, but I don't know, I can't describe. And I walked into this home that we live and now we bought, it.
Just felt like home.
And I was really craving a massive backyard and a massive pool. I wanted a playground, which we just got, big trampline, a big pool. That was my main focus. It wasn't even more the inside of the house. I just wanted that. So when a crame across this property, it had the biggest backyard. And then all their neighbors there's one, two, three them. They all have toddlers, all have kids, and we all hang out and in the afternoons.
It's just beautiful.
And I feel so protected, Like even when Steve when I went to Sydney, or if I go away Nathan, which I've spoken to him about the podcast on the podcast before, he's always just checking in. I feel so safe having him there, and there's two other dads. I just love our neighborhood. And I've never ever lived in a neighborhood where neighbors have been so friendly and so supportive, and we're all in the same journey of life with kids.
Yes, it's really cool, but yeah, I feel like we're out growing the home. I was like, more space. I want a bigger kitchen.
The kids' rooms are really tiny, so I see that for us, I would definitely have a chef. We've had a chef before until he stole off us and we had to get rid of him. That's crazy, just crazy, but it was awesome having a chef. We have a cleaner and she's amazing, but probably get one more often. Yeah, I need a roabo back, honestly, with those ones that just like cleans the house. And just more freedom for Steve. I think I have quite a lot of freedom now.
I can travel and do things, and my work isn't relyingt on me being in there all day every day, whereas Steve it is. So I'd love more freedom for him to be able to travel and do more and say with my family. But yeah, there's a lot more I would change. I'd make this a full time gig and being on stage with you. Yeah, like doing an
international live too. We would go national first, but eventually going overseas and being able to have a stadium full of people that come along to our events would be so cool.
That's literally what I mean.
Our first event had twenty two paid tickets, This next one's had fifty paid tickets, and then our next one is two f And I feel like we're just going to increase each time, which is really cool.
It is really fun. It's fun seeing it grow in stages. It is like because the vision is like unlimited of like and do with it, and it's just so much fun. It's so much fun. Cool. Well that's all my cousins I've got for you. I love it. Have you guys enjoyed?
And I hope you also reflect on your own questions when we ask them, Like even if you going to rewind and pause and write down your answers, it would be so cool. And if you want to share anything but a Facebook forum, she writes, community, come on in there and extend the conversation and we'll see you Friday.
Thanks for joining us. Bye bye