Appogiae Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley and I'm Tiana. This podcast is.
About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
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Welcome back, Hello Wednesday, Good morning, Hey, feeling babe good?
Ready to choose myself?
Ready to choose yourself? That's what we're talking about today. We're talking about talking about that, how often we say yes to everyone else and say no to ourselves, and what that does, how unproductive it is, what it does to our nervous sys and what it does to our relationships, what it does to our connections, and how are we going to help guide you to stop doing that? Shit doesn't serve you damn straight.
Choosing yourself can be really uncomfortable, especially when it hurts. It hurts to choose yourself, and I think a lot of women, and I think everyone in general to some degree has experienced this where choosing themselves, men saying no
to someone that they love. Yeah, I think it shows up a lot in relationships, especially when there's a mismatch or there's a lack of compatibility and things like that, and you just find yourself feeling like I can either choose this person or I can choose myself.
Yeah.
I feel like oftentimes we choose other people.
Because we're scared. We're scared they're going to be angry at us. We're scared they're going to be upset with us. I know, I get scared that they'll think I don't want to help them, or if you know they're stuck and you know you can help them, but maybe it's
a disservice to them if you keep saving them. There's so many reasons why we say yes or no, but I think most women struggle to say yes to themselves because we've been praised growing up that oh my gosh, you're so nice, you're so helpful, you're the one that's always there for me, I can always rely on you, like, thank you so much, And then we get praised and there's positive reinforcement that we get love when we show up that way yes and when we say no. A
lot of us have evidence of someone being upset with that and saying, well, you know you should do that for me. Do you not care for me? Do you want me to do that by myself. I can't believe you won't help me with that. I would help you with that. And it's like this guilt gets put back on you, so then you're barning yourself. So of course, okay, I'll do it. I'll put my stuff aside. And I think we're all guilty of doing this. But let's talk about what it does to the connections and the relationship.
First of all, it builds resentment because you're then, Yeah, a lot of the time, if you're constantly saying yes to everyone else, you're saying no to yourself. You miss out on things that are really important to you. You can also get really exhausted doing everything for everyone else. Your stuff doesn't get done, so then you feel angry at them, but at the end of the day, you're
the one that's agreed to it. Yeah, And then it puts this like invisible wedge between you and the person that you love because you feel that resentment and that energy towards them and they're off living their life. You said yes, I don't know how you're really feeling. Sure, you know, it's not their responsibility to manage your emotions through that, but it's your responsibility to honor what feels right for you. And it's different day to day week tweak, Like I say yes to a lot more things when
I have more capacity. I say yes now when I know I can, Whereas I used to say yes all the time and fear of being abandoned. Whereas now it's like, if I've got the capacity, how are you. I love helping you, Yes, helping them. Being of service is a high value of mind. I love contributing to people. It's hugely important to me. But not at the cost of my own mental health, not at the cost of my kids time, and not at the cost of the energy that I do not have. I've got to have the capacity for it.
Yeah, I love that. I really struggled with choosing myself for a lot of my life, if I'm being honest, Yeah, self abandoning in hopes that it would gain the love of others. Yeah, And that's what we just want to be.
Love to just love a girls what I've loved.
And that's a really hard thing to kind of make sense of when you're doing it because when you're in the moment, it doesn't feel like self abandonment. No, not in the very moment that you do it. Yes, it's always the aftermath of the self abandonment. Do you feel the effects and the aftermath of it. But in the moment, you have so much to gain because you're like, but if I do this for this person, and I just do what they say, and I you know, I'm there for them, and I show up for them.
Even a good friend and a good partner, even though it.
Might be an inconvenience or it throws out my schedule, Like, I'm going to do it anyway, because then in me doing this, I'm going to get something in return. And that's conditional giving.
That's conditional giving. And it is a very quick trap to get stecond, right. We do things to gain pleasure or avoid pain. Yes, and I think sometimes the pain of abandoning ourselves feels less scary than the pain of them being upset with us, So we choose them. But over time, if you're always going to be a people, please trust me, you're going to burn and crash. You can't sustain that long term without becoming bitter resentful and miserable at the end of the day, that's on you and other people.
Isn't it so interesting as well? Knowing that it's wanting somebody else's love is quotations more powerful than wanting our own love, I know. Right, it really shows us as a collective where we're at in terms of self love and how much we value that. I know, you know, it's unfortunate. It's really sad because we're like, oh wow, like I must abandon myself so much because their love
gives more weight than the love of myself. And it's just interesting how perspective is a little bit skewed on that of like, yeah, this person's love means more to me than it does to give myself my own. So it's like, how can we shift that narrative of you know, other people being more important than ourselves the most important first, and then everybody else under that.
Well, this is what you coach women with, right, is self worth and self love and self respect. Yeah, like most of your clients, this is exactly what you're helping them with. And when they come to you and talk about this, like is there a couple of straight out
things that you help them with? Like tips or tricks or how do you guide them through that to not be the people, please, not be the yes girl, and to actually choose themselves Because if they've been doing it for twenty five years, how do they all of a sudden stop. That's conditioning, that's patterns, that's habits. How do you help them to make a change with that?
Well, the biggest thing is like giving them permission to see it first, right, because it's like, yes, we might uncle justly know that we do it, but do we actually see it for what it is? And do we see how much is actually impacting us day to day? You know, like you prioritizing that other person and then not putting yourself forward is like, Okay, are you giving up on your goals? Are you giving up in your dreams? Are you neglecting your self love and your self care?
Because you want to go see that person? And I think that's the biggest thing is firstly just awareness, and then after that it's helping remind my clients that they have a voice and that they have needs once desires of their own outside of the people that they're trying to.
Take care of that are important, that are important.
Yeah, because what I noticed more so recently actually, a lot of women have been coming to me for either being in a relationship they're not happy with and they're neglecting themselves post relationship break up where they've completely lost their identity and lost their confidence, or post divorce even years later, where they still don't know how to pick up the baton and create their life again. And so the biggest thing has just been shifting their focus from
other to them. So every time that they're overgiving, over delivering, overly nurturing, overly taking care of other people, it's shifting that, pulling that energy back from other people and putting it on themselves. So I say to them, even temporarily, for these women, especially, Okay, in this season of your life, it's just going to be a short season. Yeah, we're just going to focus on you.
Or is there resistance with that?
Always?
How do I do that? Always? How do I imagine? I know? How do I do that?
I just want to make them dinner, and I just want to take care of them, and I just want to make their life easy. Okay, cool, but what do you want?
Yeah?
And it's just a constantly reminding them that they have needs, wants, and desires and like almost shedding light on those desires to bring them to the forefront. The more that they can see that they have their own wants, needs and desires, the bigger they become because it's almost like mission for them to see it.
It's not only what they want, right, it's what they need.
It's what they need.
You need to take care of you like want and needed quite different, what do you actually need? And if they don't have the answers to that, that's a big red flag. Hundred percent.
Yeah, I think there are three biggest components. Okay, the three biggest components mindset, identity, and behavior. So mindset is the mindset shift around you're actually the most important person in your life.
For hard one for people to really own.
But what's important is like creating safety in that yeah, creating safety to take up space, creating safety to have once needs and desires, creating safety in actually being in the spotlight of your own life.
So that's the first shift.
The second shift is the identity of like I'm less than everybody else, you know, I'm less than, I'm inferior, I'm not as deserving, I'm not enough, all that sort of stuff. So we kind of have to look at the identity and shift the way that they perceive themselves, right, Yeah, in comparison to other people, because it's like, if the women are always seeing themselves as less than they've got everybody else up on a pedestal, automatically, they're going to
suppress their needs, wants and desires. So we like address that, and then behavior is looking at all of those things that they want and need in their life and then actually actioning those things. So it's like not just mindset identity behavior, it's on all different avenues that they're actually transforming their relationship.
With about that really cool? So cool.
I love witnessing women go through it, yea, because they go from this sometimes dull shell of a human version of themselves where they've lost themselves. They don't know who they are anymore. They don't know what they like, they don't know what they want, they don't know who they are. They don't even know how to communicate with people because
they're so anxious. Yeah to holy shit, I am this force of a woman and a human being that gets to be my bigness and be all of who I am, take up space and I actually go out and get the things that I want in life.
Oh, that's just so rewarding to see that transformation. It is the best I think a lot of women too. I've spoken about this before at my event's. Actually my coach Taylor taught me this, and it's like, you know, the whole saying you can't pour from an empty cup. It's like the I we all. A lot of people live where it's all we are, so they look after everyone for themselves. Then they look after their family and friends, and then their last bottom of the barrel. Whereas, like
I flipped it, I used to be that. I used to want to put everyone else first, make sure everyone's looked after, like community online, like work everyone, and then like I get home and I've got a little bit of energy left my family, and then at the end of the I'm like I've got nothing left myself. You can do that for a certain period of time until once again, you build out resentment and you're feeling bitter, you're feeling angry, you're not feeling that up and fulfilled
because you're not doing anything for yourself. Whereas now it's like I we all, I will be the best mum and be able to take care of everyone when I take care of myself first. So that's filling into my cup, doing things that bring me joy, doing things that keeps my health the best that it is, getting enough sleep, having fun, all my passions, purposes, on point, hobbies, connection, all the things that I value, and then my cup's really full, and then overflows to my kids and my
family really easily. And then I've got lots left over for my community. That so people always say to me, how can you show up every single day for the last ten to fifteen years, How do you continue to give? How do you apply to all your dms? How do you have these big conversations. It's like, because I take care of me first, I've got overflow. Yes, if it's flipped around, I'm on empty, I'm going to be snappy,
I'm going to be not patient. I'm not going to have an energy and life force behind me to be able to contribute and to do things I want to do, and to be able to make the impact that I want to make. So important to choose yourself yes, and that unfortunately does require you saying no to a lot of people. Yeah, a lot of things.
I think that's the biggest thing, isn't it like being disappointing people? Yes, And the way that I like to frame it at least it has been helpful for me is like, for this short period of time whilst I'm learning how to choose myself, I just have to be really firm with my boundaries in a short season, and then after I can be a little bit more flexible when I've got more capacity, more time, more energy. But right now, if I'm on empty and I'm emotionally at
my wits end, I don't have any capacity. I'm struggling. I'm resentful towards everyone in my life. Okay, I need to clean some things up. Yeah, and then let your own lane, yeah, clean up, clean one hundred percent, clean up your own shit and being willing to go Okay. The more that I say no to everyone else right now, the more I'm going to say yes to myself.
And what I.
Found through doing that has created a lot of space for myself. So it's like, you know, people assume that if you're not working automatically free, yeah, but it's like, no, that's not the case. That's not And you know, having those boundaries with yourself around that as well of like you know, just because you're not working doesn't mean that you're free or you have time.
You're allowed to have space.
What if you needed thirty minutes to yourself to go to the beach in journal, Go take that time, give that to yourself, because how you're going to show up after that thirty minutes is going to be a world of difference. If you haven't eaten all day, you've put everybody else first, you've overgiven in your job because you're doing it for free.
Yeah, you know things like that. And what I love too is we always talk about is to stop assuming that people can't handle no. Yes, we assume that they're going to be angry, we assume that they're gonna not survive without us, assume that you won't better get that job done. We assume that they're going to abandon us or be angry at all the things. But like, stop
assuming you don't actually know. Sometimes now I think, because I'm around the right people, when I say no, it's fully respected and it's like, oh, of course you've got the kids. Of course I know you've had a really hard week or good, I'll sort it out. It's never met with anger or disappointment. Or shame or someone trying to make me feel guilty about it. So stop assuming that you say no that they're going to do all those things, because they might be totally fine with it
and totally understanding. Be like actually, yeah, I was your old and be saying yes that either, fuck that, yes totally. There's been times where over the years, like say, I remember this one time where someone needed help moving something and it.
Was always the one.
It was in a massive group message and there was lots of people and Steve didn't reply, and I remember shaming him for it. I was like, babe, you should put your hand up and do that, Like why would you not? He's like, do you know how exhausted I am this week? I've given everything to work, to our family. I'm so tired and Billy king my eyes open, like I'm going to say no, I need to put myself first. I need to rest and I just want quality time with you guys. I'm not going to go on volunteer
four hours and my Saturday afternoon like I'm sorry. Yeah, And I remember then realizing I was like, oh, I shouldn't have shamed him for that. He's allowed to say no and they're allowed to go get someone else. It's really cool for me to see that. And I was like, Oh, that's really inspiring. You can say no, Yeah, doesn't feel right for you and you don't have the capacity. Good on you for honoring yourself. I love that.
And what a beautiful opportunity for you to see even how quickly it can be for us to turn something of somebody else, right, it's just a split second and obviously super harmless. Yeah, for it to then become a problem of somebody immediately feeling guilt in that moment.
Yeah, you know. And I projected that onto him because I'm a yes person. So I was like, Oh, where does this show up for me? That I'm making him feel shameful. I would feel shameful for not putting my hand up yes, because I've told myself to be loved and to be accepted and to be liked, I have to say yes and do everything for everyone else. I was like, Oh, I can't actually have to do that.
That's so interesting, that's cool. Yeah, it was a cool It was as years ago, but ye, at the moment and now when he says no, I like respect.
Yeah, I love that boundary boundary. It's so interesting. The moving one is a I feel like it's so relevant.
Oh my gosh, it's a torture, isn't it.
Oh So my family are very much many hands make light.
Work, which is true.
It's very true.
They're very hands on when it comes to moving up.
They are absolutely you bet you, I'm getting my name put down for moving.
Yeah.
So my mom and my nana have always said stuff like that and the interesting you on. Like on my mom's side, she's got lots of siblings and there's lots of uncles and all the things. So when someone moves, everyone's in, like, everyone's all hands on deck, like helping move. My uncles are in like all of the things. And I remember when I first started coming into learning boundaries myself and being able to say no to others. I really had to implement it with family hard.
Because they would have been met with resistance. Like everyone's helping except Tiana.
I would love to get my mum on here to have a conversation about how much she hated it.
Wow, she hated it because I.
Was the first one in the family to actually start saying no, to have boundaries, to say no, to say no to being a helping hand, and unfortunately it was met with gil what do you mean No, Yeah, that's just expected around.
Everyone else is doing it. Why would you not? Why do you think you're superior? That's right.
My mom and my dad are both very much will literally give you the shirt off their backs. They will go above and beyond. Right, So it's almost that expectation was then put on me to do the same.
That's it. Hey, when you give a certain way, you kind of expect it bad traditional.
Yeah, it's so easy to do that. We all do that, and so I just found it, yeah, really interesting to receive that. And I like what you said around when you don't have capacity, you're allowed to say no. But what I learned through doing that was if I actually just don't want to, I'm not going to.
It doesn't even have to be in capacity, you just don't want to do it.
Yeah, my body, no, I don't want to help. Yeah, I can contribute in other ways that feels good to me, and that's learning your own boundaries of going, Okay, what you're asking of me doesn't feel good for me. However, what I can contribute is this, And so what that looked like for me is like Okay, all of you have been working all day. I'm going to come. I'm going to go buy lunch. I'm going to bring lunch to everyone, beautiful, take care of everybody needed, and contribute
in a way that actually feels good. Bad. But don't ask me to move a fucking washing machine.
I'm going to break my back and worth risking my head.
I mean, isn't it so interesting the different levels of depth of boundaries. I had an experience where it was my older sister Danny's thirtieth birthday and my sister Chantala and I we weren't talking at the time. We had like a break where we were like, not friends, not talking for a little while, and we were just in the middle of conflict. So wee because you guys are so close now, So yeah, I know it's so strange in what life. Yeah laterally anyway, so we weren't talking,
we were in the middle of conflict and stuff. And I remember Danny, you know, sending me the invite to her birthday. And Danny and I live very separate lives, love her, but we just lived very different lives. Yeah, we're kiddies now, and she's very immersed in Mum life
and all that sort of stuff doesn't live here. And anyway, she invited me, and I remember telling my parents like, I'm not going to go, and I ended up honoring that and not going because Chantala and I were in the middle of conflict and I just thought it would probably work out better if I'm not there. And it was a selfish thing to some degree of like I
want to protect my peace. And also it was like a if I go, it'll probably blow up, and I don't want that for Danny, and I don't look out for her birthday.
It's a tricky situation, though, isn't it. Yeah, it's definitely hard. I wanted to go.
Oh she was not happy with me.
Yeah, and then she's upset. And then you're upset because you would like to go. But you don't have to blow up. You don't have to be uncomfortable. You don't want to be around that person, but you'll not go there to be with your sister. Oh, that is tough.
And she couldn't understand my decision. She wasn't happy with it.
She couldn't have her birthday.
Ye put your shit aside, Like, let's just show up, come to the birthday. Celebrate me all the things, and I just in that moment of time in my life, I was very strong on my boundaries and I was just like, I'm just not letting this lide. I don't think it'll be good. Like I love you, I'll celebrate you in other ways, but this isn't it for me. And that was a really hard thing because her being disappointed in me was like really tough.
Oh my gosh, so tough.
But it was the right. I still believe it was the right to see.
Yeah, yeah, it's tricky. It's figuring it out what's right for you, what's right for the situation, and where to say yes and no to. But we just want to have this conversation to bring more awareness around where you're saying yes, where you're saying no, Where does it feel good, where does it feel not? What's your reasons behind saying yes and no? And just to check in more because you don't want it to let this shit build up
and build up and have resentment and be bitter. It's just not a nice place to be, So just check in more. When you automatically go to say yes, is that coming from a place of people pleasing and fear of abandonment and fear of rejection or fear of them being angry, or you're saying yes because you genuinely have the capacity and you genuinely want to do it. You're allowed to say no and stop assuming that they can't handle it. It's in a nutshell.
Something that really helped me with what you just explained was instead of immediately saying yes out of anxiousness of like, oh my god, I got to fill the space. Oh yeah, sure, no worries, I'll do that, just going Hey, can you give me a minute to think on that. I'll get back to you this afternoon. Yes, giving yourself some time, Give yourself some time. And yeah, you know a lot of people I feel questioned like, oh I don't know
the answer, I don't know what to do. But if you actually check in with yourself and your body, your body will tell you, like if you are questioning something, whether you should or whether you shouldn't, or even if there's a part of you that doesn't want to, you'll actually know it. Give yourself permission to listen.
To that so true. And also I think I mean it's a bit easy. Maybe when you've got kids in a partner but out of respect to Steve, I do like to check in with him. Hey, what do you have this afternoon? I've been invited to this, Like is that all good? Have you got the kids? How are you feeling? Where are you at? And he does the same for me.
That's beautiful.
Hey, Like I wanted to go out to dinner with so and so from hideaway? Is that all good? Do you have anything on?
Like?
We check in with each other. That gives me that space, and I think you're allowed to use that as well, and we just check them all that part I live and check with my family, make sure they're all good, and then you can make a decision from there as well. Would it gives you that space to think about it.
I feel like it's easier to do that than it is to go, oh no, I have to back.
Out, yes, you know, because then you feel guilty. And then if you have to make askuse you're like should.
I tell a little white lie?
But I don't like you because then you feel good for that. Yeah, for that, it's not who you want to be. So yeah, giving yourself space, that's really good advice. We hope this episode was helpful. Listen if you guys, have any other tips or where you're aut with it. If you're struggling, we'd love to know. You can join our Facebook forum. It's just she rises on Facebook goeing continue many of these conversations. Also, we have our event coming up. Oh my god, really really excited, so exciting.
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And we're only doing one. Yeah, this is the only one. And also the coolest thing is like it's going to be exclusive content, Like all the things that we're going to be talking about SOI Podcasts is stuff that you haven't heard on the podcast before. Ever, if there's a time that you come. It's going to be this because it will be a game changer for you for so many different reasons. We have in store for you to come and join us on the night is going to be incredible.
And we're not recording it. You can't listen online, you can't hear it on the podcast later on. This is exclusive to the night. Yes, and yeah, this guest speaker is going to be one that'll really touch everyone in a way they haven't been felt touched before. No physically, that sounds a really blow you away. Yeah, honestly, like her story and her strategies and the way she moves through life is just like an absolute or and I can't wait for her to share that with everyone.
It's going to be amazing.
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