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Welcome to our Bestie segment.
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Welcome back to another episode of She Rises on our Besties segment with Ashy and Tiana.
We love our Tuesday's Advice segment. Remember this is just two best friends sitting on a couch giving advice that we would give to each other if we were in the situation that you're in. Remember these are completely anonymous. We have no idea who you are. And if you want to submit something, you can click the link in the description box below. Just scroll down. It's there, and we'd love to give you advice. It's every single Tuesday. These episodes are nice and short and sweet, but it's
just our unfiltered advice. So take it away. I will. Today's submission is a year ago. I bumped into an old flame, not an X, but we spent one night together nineteen years ago and we're planning on seeing each other. We were friends for years before this. We've always remained friends. Friendship of twenty two years. He messaged me a couple of times on Facebook, etc. But backstory is he didn't pursue things with me, and he got back with his ex and they continued to get married for eighteen years
and have three kids. But now they're going through a divorce. We have stayed in contact frequently this last year, and I feel like he needed a friend through the hard times. But I have developed feelings for him. I am also married with three children, still married. Is it a case of you want what you can't have or is this something more? This old flame isn't trying to win me over. He just sees me as a friend as far as I know, But I think I want more.
Oh girl, that's tough.
If this is me, I wouldn't go there. But also questioning because for me in my marriage, it's like a ton of vision when I'm hlugged into Steve, which is always I love him. I want to be with him. There's no other options. Yeah, I don't entertain it. I don't think about it. I don't fantasize about it. I don't want anyone else. So if you have developed feelings for someone else, I would say there's probably some cracks in your marriage. Are you lacking desire? Are you creating
more fun? Are you disconnected? Have you guys not been connecting? How used to it? You're not having fun? Like I would try and look at the cracks and see if that's something that you can repair and bring back into your marriage and see where you're playing your role. I wouldn't be entertaining this, I'd be cutting the contact if I as you, I agree, and I feel this is
a bit of not betrayal. But I wouldn't like to know if my husband's talking to another female developing feelings and when he's telling me that it's just a friendship, but there's more there, Like that doesn't feel good.
I feel zicky, especially if you're emotionally investing in another man, like your attention, by the sounds of it, is going
to another man versus your husband. Yeah, and that's where you start to create emotional distance with your current partner who is your husband, right, And so I think that's also something to look at, is like where are you investing your time, Like you're emotionally investing in supporting this other man who is not your husband, versus are you doing that with your actual husband?
Yeah? They have so much energy each day, so you're giving it to this other man, and it's depleting your relationship.
There's a difference as well, when you have friends and you're emotionally supporting them, but it's totally platonic, Yes, totally platonic. You're there for them, you go through hardships together. That's different story to emotionally supporting somebody and gaining feelings for them. I think that in itself is a huge red flag for you of wanting something that you maybe can't have, or maybe wanting to entertain something that you know feels fun or maybe makes you feel desired or you're getting
a little bit more attention or something like that. So, like, I agree with what you said, babe, of like looking at your relationship of like where are the cracks in the foundation?
Yeah, And it's one of those odd saying the grass is not green now, the grass is green where you water it. Yes, you're not watering your relationship because you're watering it over there thinking it's greener over there. But only you know what's happening inside your relationship. And if you've got a beautiful man there that you can have these open conversations with, have that honest conversation with yourself first of what you're desiring and feeling like you're missing. Yeah,
and can you bring that into your current relationship? And I reckon these maybe little feelings that you're getting from the other man, I think they'll dissolve pretty quickly if you invest back into your relationship. Yeah, round it out, dry it out, dry it out. Yeah.
I think it's like maybe a case of wanting what you can't have, or wanting what you think you can't.
Which sounds exciting but it's not and it is.
Yeah, And that's also something to look at as well, because this man is not sure an interest in you at all in terms of than friends.
He's just going through a hard time. He's probably missing as.
X Y and obviously like he that's right, And obviously he's gaining something from the connection that you guys have andal support, which is a huge thing that women invest into relationships. But maybe even looking at like where you are maybe like emotionally unavailable in your relationship, right, because when I look at that and I think, oh, wow, you're wanting potentially wanting somebody who doesn't want you back. That's emotional and availability.
Yeah, so true. So it's just something to look at, something to get curious about.
Yes, are you emotionally closed off in your current relationship because you're now outsourcing that looking outside of you for someone who you know.
Maybe you're wanting to prove your worth. Maybe good advice, soo love and update. What are you going to do from here?
Honestly, if it were you, baby, but like, what the fuck you're doing? Yeah, it was like, but no, oh nonsense, Yeah, we're not doing this, so babe, we're not doing this.
We're not doing this. Cut it off, yeah, cut it off. Invest back into your relationship, but have some solo time to really look at what you're needing, what you're missing, what you're wanting out of your current relationship, and bring it in there. You've committed to this man and not saying you know you have to be with him if you're truly not happy, but look at it first and take responsibility and check in with yourself and be honest
with yourself. It's a big, hard conversation with yourself first, and.
You know what, it doesn't have to be a super hard and scary conversation, like you can just look at what it is that you're wanting more of, yeah, in your relationship, and go oh, my God, and then bring that into the relationship. Maybe you can initiate it some places, maybe you can ask him to initiate it in some places, and you will find that the moment that you get those needs met, you're going to be back to tunnel vision,
focused on getting back to tunnel vision. If this is the man that you want to be.
With, and I know you've got three kids, I've got two, I get times can feel a bit mundane sometimes if you're both stuck in your routines and get the kids to school and you're going to work, you coming home, you're going to bed, like it's very important for parents to be super aware not to get stuck in that where you're just like passing ships in a house and you feel like roommates and you feel like you're just
co parenting together under the same roof very easy. There's been times where Steve and I have literally said that, like, gosh, I literally feel like I'm a passing shit with you, And it's so important to make and find the time to connect because otherwise you do feel like things are missing, and it would be natural and normal to look outside then and get excited or fantasized about something outside of what is actually existing there, but you're just stuck in
a rut and you're not pouring into it and being aware of where you're contributing to that relationship to take work. It's not just easy rainbows butterflies, like it is at the start of the honeymoon stage. It's a lot of consistent showing up, awareness, conversations, effort, watering your grasp.
And consistently pivoting when the seasons change and go through different moments.
And time, honoring your changes too. What you once desire when you didn't have kids to who you are now has probably completely changed, and that's okay.
And you know, what's something else that's interesting that just popped into my head. Is that just checking with yourself or what it is that you like about this man? Like it might actually just be that you like the version of you that comes out.
That's true talk to him. Has it a more playful side? Or is there something about you? Do you feel free when you're around him, but at home you don't feel free because you've got the kids and husband and it's just like stressy.
Because at the end of the day, there's a feeling that you're chasing it might be a version of you, or maybe it might just be even qualities about that man that you admire. Yeah, it doesn't have to be labeled as feelings. It could be oh my god, well I really appreciate this about him, and it can be just that true. So it's like, let's like explore all of the options before we go and label them like, oh my god, maybe I want more, Maybe you want more of the feeling you get when you talk to him.
Yeah, let's explore that, and how can you get that in your current relationship? How can you give it to yourself?
Yeah? What version of you are you when he's around that you want to bring into your everyday life.
Let's focus on that. That's really good advice. Backdrop, we'll give us an update. We'd love it. Any best advice. Yeah, we rung it in.
Give us more context.
We'd love to hear it. Thank you for joining us, and we'll see you tomorrow for another episode. Bye bye,