Apoday Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.
This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
Get ready for your next level of self.
Hello everybody, Welcome back to She Rises with Ashley and Tiana. We've got a big episode today, we do.
We are going to be unpacking our deepest traumas and frigod Yes.
So this is a raw and honest one, but I think it's important to talk about because, as always we always want to dissolve the shame around them and bring them forward so we can bring lightness to it, we can learn from it, we can connect with it as well.
But first Share of the week.
Okay, my just random, it's just Amazon. I love shopping on Amazon. Anything that you can think of, you just type it in and there's so many options and it's delivers straight to your door a couple of days later, like phone charges or toys for the kids, or even there's clothes on there. It's just got everything, and I find it cheaper than the shops, and I just love online shopping. So I've got a bit of an Amazon addiction. At the moment I've.
Had something be delivered the next day, I was oppressed.
Sometimes it is.
It's really fast sufficiency.
It's so good. So if you're just looking for different things and you can't find at the shop, where you just can't bother going to stop. Sometimes shops overwhelm me, Like I like going to try clothes on, but sometimes I just wanted it online.
Yeah, Amazon, in the comfort of your own home, literally beautiful and yours. So you know how everyone's been doing these videos where they're doing like show their empties.
Yes, so you went last week.
Can you show your empties of like your favorite product?
Yes.
My current empty which is I need to stock up on is actually a hideaway shower moose. So it's the Vanilla Delight scent. Yes, And it's so good. Something about the texture feels so nice on my skin. I prefer that over body wash now because.
It just so good. It's just so creamy, so.
Creamy at lathers so nicely. So I'm like, yeah, that's my current empty at the moment that I need to restuck up.
I love that. And if you loved our whip soap, this is the replacement for the whip soap, so we don't sell the whipsap anymore. But yeah, it's so good. And Vanila de Light number one selling fragrance.
Oh, I understand it, but it just smells so good.
All right, let's get into it. What is one of your biggest triggers.
The fear of being left behind? That's showed up for me a lot in friendships. Yeah, and also has shown up actually at the end of relationships.
Okay, can you elaborate what do you mean left behind?
I noticed that Let's say I feel like someone's outgrowing me, or I feel like a relationship is falling apart, let's say intimately. And then I have like this instant fear of like, oh my god, like what if I get left behind? So it's like it's not necessarily that that's happening, but it's that the way that I interpret the situation makes me feel like, oh my god, But what if I get left behind and I'm no longer important?
Yes, yeah, so.
It's out of the tribe, out of the tribe.
Yeah alone, Yeah, yeah, interesting.
I feel like that probably comes off the back end of a rejection wound, an abandonment, an abandon All of them eyes in together, doesn't it. They're all just like little different facets and show up in different ways, But I feel like it's the same core wound.
Yes, where does that come from? Do you think?
I mean the story that I have of being left behind? The first thing that kind of comes to mind is
like being a young girl and having older sisters. So not that it was anything bad, but just little consistent moments of me feeling like I wasn't old enough to go hang out with the girls, or like, you know, they would always go and spend time with each other because they were older and they wanted to go driving, and I could never go with them, and it sounds really like no feel something, and then it stacks over time.
It was like a continuous stacking thing, always feeling like I think I maybe internalize that feeling of like not feeling good enough that I couldn't go with them, I couldn't be with them and spend time with them. But really the reality of it was like I was just too young, wasn't in the same age bracket as they were. They were probably seventeen eighteen, you know, wanted to go do their own thing, and I was quite younger, so it.
Was just and then over time in your life, you'll feel a familiar feeling. So now when it's cut out up in friendship, a different situation, that's why it's called to just peel back where it first came from, because it's like the same thing is a different situation. So when you like go back and heal and understand it what I feel like, it helps it not feel so heavy.
I feel like there have been past friendships where I've had that feeling where I felt like other people were closer with each other than and that that's why I feel like it stems from my sisters, a feeling like they were always Oh that's so flaw Yeah, yeah, they were so close. And then I've had friendships where they got super close, and then I automatically thought it meant that I was being left out, so my triggers came up.
I was super anxious. I was scared of abandonment, so I was kind of walking on eggshells and thinking like, oh my god, any moment, like the ball could drop and like these people could leave, you know, and then that eventually ended up happening. It was really interesting.
That makes so much sense. One of my biggest ones was I don't think it is anymore, but I still wanted to speak on it because for my whole life, I feel like it's been. One of my biggest triggers is alcohol. It's weird. It's not everyone that drinks, like when my friends drink doesn't affect me, but men. And if I was to rewind it back, a lot of
you have been watching me for a long time. It was stemmed from my stepfather being quite a big alcoholic and he would get abusive and yell and aggressive and very unpredictable. So I always felt unsafe around our cohol. So then when men in my life would drink alcohol, it was that instant, like my body felt unsafe and like what's going to happen next? So that caused a lot of problems for Steve and I and our first season of our relationship. For many years, if we ever fought,
it was always about alcohol always. And Steve is not aggressive, he's not a yeller, he's super chill. He's a big teddy bear. But it didn't matter, because that wound was just stemmed from such a young age. I just associated men and alcohol is not a good thing. So that used to be such a big trigger. But it's kind of been taken awaycause Steve doesn't rink anymore, which is awesome. Even over the last five years, it hasn't been as big a trigger of like the safety it just hasn't aligned.
So yeah, not so much when girlfriends, But I still don't like being in environments where people are really intoxicated and it's not a true connection. I feel it's almost this false sense of connection and it is still really unpredictable, and it just feels like a darker energy to me. So I'm not really around many people that drink anymore. Like I have a couple of girlfriends that enjoy, like make enjoy its a couple of drinks in Bali and like I know Deanie likes to have a wine or two.
That doesn't affect me at all, But most people hang around that isn't really alcohol in my life, and I like having it not in my field. But it used to be such a huge trigger. I would just get so disregulated when Steve would have a couple of drinks and it almost didn't matter if he had one or if he had ten. Yeah, it doesn't matter. As soon as he had started to drink and he wasn't just Steve, the connection was gone for me.
Yeah, immediately, It's like I didn't want to be around it that. Yeah, difference changed.
Yeah, So I'm really glad it's not in my life anymore. And I'm glad that I don't have to feel that sense of unsafety around men in alcohol. So I'd be interesting if I was an environment with other men. How i'd feel Now I don't.
Actually interesting, And because it's also so far away from you now, like you're so separate from so separate being around those environments.
But if I'm ever out at dinner, like can we walk past? Like even the other night, Steve, when I went to date night and there was these guys in the car park. It was obviously Friday afternoon beers, and they were just being so loud and rowdy and like whistled at me in front of Steve, and I was like, hell, gross, I go home, Yeah what are you doing? Yeah, you look like forty years old and you're whistling at a girl that's got a husband with her. She's gross. Gross.
I was like, that's such an ick, Like I don't like to be around it.
Yeah, so understandable though.
Yeah, that's one of my biggest ones. What else, what about you anyons? It's a big one.
It's a big one.
Yeah.
Another one for me trust issues with men in relationships. So my maybe walk call wound, but maybe a trigger. Yeah, probably feeling like I might be replaced with someone better. Yeah, because my first relationship, like I didn't know this at the time when we were together, but I found out after we'd already broken up. But then silly, I actually ended up going back to him after I found out.
That he cheated on me.
Were just so deep in it.
It was like not good.
But yeah, I found out after like a year and a half or two years that he apparently cheated on me like lots of times throughout the relationship, but I didn't know as much after and I just remember feeling so silly because I didn't know and I was ignorant to it, and I knew what he was like, but I never thought that he was capable of doing that, And just remember feeling silly because I felt like the more people told me the more I realized that everybody
else knew when I didn't, Oh, you felt like I felt like idiot. I felt humiliated. That's a good word. Yeah, yeah, I just felt so silly. And so I think it kind of created this narrative in me of like, oh, there's somebody else better who I can be?
Really? Why am I not enough?
Yeah?
Yeah? Why am I?
Why am I not enough? So there's a better option, There's somebody else out there who's got more than what I do or for whatever reason. It was the way that I internalized that pain. I made it about me instead of being like, oh, it was his decision and yeah, you know, had nothing to do with me. I just at the time I was too young, of course. So I think that showed up for me, and that helped created like trust issues through every relationship.
Now it's a wound.
So now it's a wound. Yeah, So I get super insecure in relationships because I'm like, one, can I truly trust this person? Can I trust that what they're saying is real? Can I trust that the things that they are telling me is actually true and they're being transparent or are they lying right?
Yeah? And do you fully trust them? At first, or do you need evidence to fully trust them? Because if you meet someone, say you get a new relationship, and they're like, I'm really trustworthy person, like you've got nothing to worry about. It's the value of mine, and they say all the things. Does your nervous system and maybe your head in your heart say different things like your body? But do you instantly go M I'm not sure yet.
I think it's changed over the years. Yeah, Like I would say, like in a relationship two years ago, I probably was a lot more skeptical, yeah, and I was more cautious in the beginning. I'm like, you don't get to have my trust straight away, right, you gotta earn it,
give me, earn it, give me evidence. Whereas now I feel like I give people more of a benefit of the doubt now, So I feel like that doesn't feel as strong of a wound for me anymore because I feel like I'm trust myself more and I'm learning to give people the benefit of the doubt and not bringing old stuff into the new relations not bring my baggage, you know. So that's been good to feel that difference of now where I'm like, okay, yes, you can tell me all the things, and that's okay, but I just
don't take people's words for weight. Yeah, you know, I'm like, I'm just going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and then if I see with your behavior that you're going to betray that or you know, do anything break that, yeah, then I'm like, okay, well then you show me.
Who you are. Yeah. Yeah, so interesting. Yeah. My biggest current wound would definitely bring in would definitely be abandonment. Yeah, and it's not with Steve. I feel so secure with him. I do not feel anxious at all. Like he's the most secure relationship I've ever had, but more in friendship. Yeah, yeah, definitely shows up so often. There's just little moments and a lot of the time it's not anything anyone else
is doing. It's just my own stuff. And when I was talking to my mom about it, I was like, why do I get so anxious and think everyone's going to leave me? And She's like, Oh, You've had friendships that have fallen apart for reasons that you don't know, you don't understand, And I think friendships have just always been such a big lifeline for you. You've always really
lent on them. And you've really needed your friends, especially when our home life wasn't great growing up, Like it's three your teenage years, you were just you were never home. You're always at your friend's houses and leaning on them. They're so important to you that you get you know, emotionally attached, and you give a lot and you are you hard on your sleeve. So when you do get left, it really really hurts here as a lot of people
can just like I've got one friend. She can literally cut people off and say say yeah, as soon as they do something wrong by her, She's like bye, It's.
Like a mouth. I'm like, how it de've hatched so quickly.
Yeah, if you attached, even if someone's quote unquote doing wrong by me or we're not aligned, like, I still try everything I can to make sure that friendship can remain until it doesn't obviously, but yeah, I just get so scared of being abandoned and it'll show up in our friendship. Two. We both have it, we both do and BALI you even had a moment. Me and Mick
had no idea that you're feeling like that. It just I can't even remember the context of it, but it just came up and we just loved on you four it because I was like, I get that. I totally understand that feeling.
Yeah, honestly can't. This does job in our friendship. But we talk about it, We talk about it, bring it in, anytime it comes up, we bring it out. Yeah, it did come up for me in Bali. I had this moment where we were just.
Dinner and then you came home and you were like, oh my gosh, you guys still love me.
I I think I was just feeling more anxious that day, already sleep, that sort of stuff.
And then I just we were talking about past things too, which I think brought up feelings.
Oh. I think it was like past behavior of mine in past friendships.
Yeah.
And I think previously I have been left and abandoned and judged and you know, almost like shamed for having too much, for being too much. Yeah, And then I thought I was like, oh fuck, like is the same thing going to happen here? And then I remember being like, oh my god, like they don't love me anymore, Like they're going to want to leave and I'm going to be my friend after spending so much time with me in Bali And that's right, Yeah, and I remember sitting
on the back of the bike and telling you about it. Yeah, for like an hour of me just being in my own head and you being like, oh my god.
As we walked into the villa, give me a hug. Yeah, it's like never.
Once I got off the bike and we went to the villa, I said it to Meg. I was like, I feel like you guys don't want to be my friend anymore.
Yeah, And you said it really cute and playfully, because I think logically, you know, yeah, we're not going anywhere, but it's just like, let's always bring this stuff in, like you never have to suffer in silence. Even you listening, it might sound so silling, be like, why would you just think that, But we all have our own wounds. We all have our own insecurities and things that come up and they're real. Doesn't mean they're true, but they real.
They come up and you feel it. And when you have a safe container that you can bring that in and just be reassured, it's so nice. And I think, because like we've said, we have the same wounds, we know how to support each other through that. It just makes me love anymore. I want to show you that that's just not going to happen here. You know. You can bring in all the things and we can have the hard conversations and go through hard times together and we're still going to be here for each other.
It's just funny, though. It's like when you're in your logic and you're feeling really good and regulated, yeah, you're like, okay, logically, I can understand that, But then when you're emotionally in the abandonmentment.
Feel so real, get so anxious, feel.
So heavy, you know, and you're like, oh my god, all the thoughts that I'm thinking right now feels so true, and I'm like, oh my god, I might actually lose this person that I love so much.
That's the wound you take your mind takes you to what it would feel like to not have them. Yeah. Yeah, So there was a moment recently. You came to Meg and I about a situation and Meg was like all for it, and I was like a bit more cautious. So our advice was very different, and I just walked away from that conversation being like, oh my gosh, she's going to not come and tell me things now because
I've not gone against what you wanted to do. It wasn't against It was just like, let's just take a moment. Let's reevaluate, like is this the right move, is this too fast? Let's think about it.
You just questioned my decision and you were just asking questions.
Yeah, And I wasn't saying don't do it because I'm like, yolo, don't wait, live your life. But I also just on past experiences with you and your life, I was like, let's just take a moment. Yeah, but I thought because Meg was being so supportive and like, yeah, girl, well live your life. And then I wasn't. I remember just going home and I was like, oh my gosh, I was too much. Then I was too forward, I was too honest. She's not going to feel safe with me.
She's not going to come and tell me things. And I called you and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, and you were like no, no, no. When I go on there, you always tell me how it is, and I will do the same to you and I will question you.
That's what I love about you.
Yeah, And it was nice to have that reassurance. But I even with the reassurance, I still felt disregulated because it was a past wound off when I've done that, I've been told as too much and you're too forward, yeah, and you're too opinionated and you don't understand, and it's always comes from a good place, but it made me want to shut down. Of course. I was like, oh, I don't want to tell her any of that. I should just be like Meg and just say go girl. Yeah. Yeah.
It was little moments like that that show up. I'm like, oh wow, that fear of abandonment from being too much or too honest is so there. Yeah.
Yeah, And I remember even reassuring you in the moment, and you even said to me like, I hear you, and it's so nice that you're reassuring me right now, but a part of me doesn't believe what you're saying.
Yeah.
Yeah, And that was a really cool conversation to have because the reality is when you're in that moment, it's hard to believe with you.
I literally didn't believe you.
I was like, I like, right now for the triggered and I can't hear you. Yeah.
I was like, I don't blame if you don't love me anymore.
Yeah, You're like, look, it's fine if you want to leave. Just leave now now I'm the band aid off.
Don't prolong this.
Yeah, it's just like go now, okay for another two years. Gay.
Yeah, But then the way you explain it, you were like, I will do the same to you. Yeah, Like this friendship is honest and it's real, and if I think you're making an impulsive decision, I will pull you up and say let's talk about it. That's right, Like I don't know if this is the right decision for you, and like it's really nice a reassurance. But yeah, it's just so real and in the moment, it's a spiral.
It's hard to believe. It's really hard to believe, and you feel so isolated and you just shame yourself and you kind of go in a dark hole. Yeah, I feel anxious.
In those moments. He is to like regulate yourself. Yeah, because you're not in the right way of thinking. Breath gets disregulated, you feel so angliss everything else that you see life through the lens. It's like, now something's wrong with Steve.
Now on eggshells. When you're so justsregulated like that and anxious, you just kind of even think clearly no and everything I just feel on edge. It's wild. It's not fun.
It's not fun. I low key hate when I get in that, you know, and I know that I shouldn't, but it's like it's not enjoyable. Yeah, it's not fun and I don't feel it. It doesn't make you feel good about yourself.
If you're shit, if you're insecure, you're like, oh my gosh, why am I still like this? Why is this wound still there? And I think sometimes it's like a wound, it does heal over, but sometimes it gets scratched and it starts bleeding a little bit. Other times it feels like someone's ripped open the scab and it's pouring out blood and you have to work on healing that again. So true. I think over time it does get better.
And now now when I feel disregulated, I feel like it's there and I feel it, but it doesn't last long. Whereas a couple of years ago, it would ruin me for weeks and be anxious on eggshells, wouldn't talk about it, carry shame, shut down withdraw, not hang out with people, and I would really internalize it and then try and sweep it, hope it goes away until next time. And it just doesn't. So the quicker you can talk about it, voice it, make it playful, make it cute.
See make it guy, I'm feeling a bad I used to do the same thing as well, and only used to just exacerbate how it's feeling. So it was like if I would think about something, but I would think about it so much they would drive myself up the wall and no one else would even know what's happening. Yeah, and then I'd be in this like mental spiral and pit of like absolute hell in my own mind.
It's not fun.
They'd be like, oh my god, they don't want me, They're going to leave me. They think this of me, and all of my own self judgments would come out and I would project them onto other people. Yeah, they were those people's opinions of me, you know, and then they just would get worse from there. But yeah, it's such an interesting.
So interesting, isn't it. So my two main ones was alcohol but now more abandonment yea, and people just being upset with me. It's just like a fear. Just don't like the thought of someone being upset with me. Yeah, I would lose sleep over that. If I think someone's upset with me, like that'll keep me up at eye and I will overapologize and overtake responsibility and do whatever I can to heal it, because that's the anxious coming out.
You just want to heal and like fix. Yeah, do you will do anything to not feel that pain.
Isn't it funny as well with anxious and avoidance differently they operate so different. Anxious is like I need to work it out now, I'm not gonna be able to sleep.
Avoidance like oh see, yeah, I need to go like regulate myself by myself. Yeah, I can't deal with this right now. Yeah, it's so interesting and different people. I'm more disorganized. I can be avoidant or anxious depending on who it's with and depending on the depth of the conversation and what it's about. I feel like I can be more anxious with safe people. Now someone I feel safe with. Yeah, So what I don't feel safe with,
I'll avoid like money conversations. Yeah you've noticed that in me? Yes, Yeah, I got avoidant with that. Yeah. It's like super uncomfortable. Yeah.
Isn't it so funny? Like who who triggers what? Different people trigger different things?
So weird? Yeah, and who you think can hold it. If I don't think someone can hold that hard conversation, I'll avoid it at all costs.
Yeah, that's understandable, though. I think having hard conversations with people who aren't open to them, Yeah, makes the conversation so much harder because you kind of just go in circles.
And it brings out the rejection room because then if they're avoidant, you know it's going to push them away. That'llvoid talking to you after that. I've experienced that before too.
Or if they're emotionally reactive, that will they bury them or they get triggered and then they got that onto you. It's like you know that that conversation is not going to be safe.
So it's like, what's the point. Yeah, I'll avoid, I'll suppress. We all do it. Yeah, it's so interesting.
Yeah, lucky for us we get to bounce between both. Hey, oh not anxious, we're avoidant, just avoid it, we're anxious.
Yeah. Literally, it's just really good to understand your own wounds, where they come from, unpack them, talk about them, and do your best to heal them, but also just acknowledge them, because if you don't, you can't escape them. They're there, they're real, they're from your experience a lot of the time,
from your childhood too, that are going anywhere. So if you try and suppress them, they just get bigger and uglier, and you send yourself in a spiral, and you don't talk about it because you're carrying shame, so you feel
even worse. Yeah, and then the projectson come out, and then you feel lonely, and then it's just a horrible spiral to get in to bring it in, and all the time the right people around you will love on you for it and just reassure you that you're okay and that you got this absolutely.
And the biggest thing as well, if you're going to start bringing awareness to these things, just know that do it without judgment. Yeah, Like actively choose in the moment to not judge yourself for the things that come up, and just see it with a neutral lens, like be willing to see it with curiosity, don't bring emotion to it and just allow it to be there, because that's the way that you actually get to move through it is when you can talk about it like this, where
there's no emotional charge around it. Like even though we're talking about it now. Neither of us are going, oh my god, like I don't want her to see me in this, or I don't want anybody to know this about me. It's like when you can just hold space for it, let it be, don't judge it, don't criticize it or shame yourself for it being there, that's when you'll actually be able to go, oh wow, this is a part of myself that I can actually accept. Yeah,
And that's the biggest part. Is like learning to accept the parts of yourself that don't feel the best all the time.
I love that, and also with your partners too. I had this moment with Steve a couple of weeks ago. I found this video. It was this ouzzy guy it must be a Relationship coach, and it was talking about the way that men shut down when they feel criticized and when they feel like they can never make you happy. And he had lots of things in the one video, and I feel that Steve does this sometimes, But to go to him and give him this feedback, it's quite
uncomfortable because I never want him feel criticized. I feel like, when you're going to talk to your partner about wounds and triggers, read the room, and pick the right time. So we were already in a really beautiful deep conversation. The kids were in bed. We were talking about life and stress and just all the things. And then I said, I saw this really cool video lately. I'd love to get your opinion on it. I think sometimes this can
show up for us. And it wasn't just him. It was the dynamic that I played in those situations when he's feeling like this, and how I can activate that and how I can contribute to that. I fully own my part. First, I was like, I can see when I do xyz it can trigger you to them behave like this, and then I do this and it ends up being in the spiral. What do you think? Do
you agree? And we watched it and he was first just like, yeah, I don't know about all of it, but yeah, I can see that we've played in the past and that cycle we get into. But you've got to be really mindful of picking the right time to
have this conversations, I think with anyone. Only it's not something you just dump on someone or go to them straight away, ask if they've got the capacity and see if they're in a good state to be able to hold it because it can be a really heavy conversation and don't go on with criticism either, curiosity, owning your part, asking more questions, leading the conversation like that, I think it can be really helpful for intimate relationships. Yeah.
I like what you did as well, where you came in taking a responsibility part first, because then you weren't going, hey.
You do this and you've got to fix you all your fault.
This is something I see in myself. Yeah, it is that I do shit, Like let's work on this, you know.
But it's a together thing. Yeah, Like it's never his fault or my fault. Both of us are playing our roles here and trigger and activate different things within us. He has his own set of wounds and triggers, so do I. We've come from two completely different backgrounds, completely different upbringings. We're two completely different people, and to expect two people just mesh and for them not to be
mess there, it's very unrealistic. That's relationships, right, combining too completely different worlds.
And like learning how to navigate throughly.
So having this conversation even seventeen years later, it's really important, but it's choosing the right time, reading the room, be aware of your energy, your tone, your body language, creating that safe space, taking responsibility, and like reassuring them that this is a team thing. Love that.
Yeah, it's also super important as well who you're choosing to have in your life, because if you have people who are naturally empathetic, understanding, are willing to be curious around certain things, you know that people are going to learn to hold you correctly in the way that you.
Deserve to be.
And I think these conversations that you have do require a certain level of like emotional safety maturity. Yeah. And so when you know that two people are willing, and this is what we talk about often is if somebody is willing, you're halfway there.
All you need.
That's all you need, no matter if you don't know how to do it or how to get there or how to have the.
Figure it out.
Will's willing and with willingness you'll find the way.
Literally, that's all you need. Yeah, Like drop, we love this and we'd love to extend this conversation back into our Facebook forums. If you're not in there, just search she rises on Facebook. Let us know you your wounds, let us know your trigger is and if you want any advice too. We also have our Bestie segment on a Tuesday. We'll leave the link in the description box below. Just scroll down wherever you're listening to this podcast. It's
completely anonymous. If you've got anything you want to ask us, anything you want to bring in, anything you want some guidance or help with. We're just two best friends having a chat on a couch and we'd love to help you.
Yeah, sounds good. We can't wait to see your submissions.
All right, we'll see in the next episode. Bye bye.