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Go to blue hoost dot com slash Wondersuite. Welcome back to she Pivots. I'm your host, Emily Tish Sussman. One of my goals in starting this podcast is to highlight voices and stories of women who went through something deeply personal, only to come out of it on the other side better than they could have imagined and after launching she Pivots last year. It's clear this is not a small group. This applies to most women, whether it's a big pivot or maybe just a tiny pivot. What's clear is there's
a lot of unpacking to do around pivoting. So as we're continuing to build this platform and community through new episodes, I also want to bring you more stories, unfiltered and honest. So I'll be sitting down with even more women, maybe the occasional man who have mastered their own pivot, maybe they're just starting their pivoting journey, or just have something to teach us about the deeply personal moments of life. So stay tuned for more of these candid conversations this season.
Let's jump right in.
Today.
If you are a mom and you are online, there is no way you don't know about this guest doctor Becky. I feel like has revolutionized the world of mom influencing from a educated place, like of information that we really need and use. But her advice is like truly changing the way me my friends are thinking about parenting.
What I posted that even on my personal Instagram that I was interviewing today, the response that I got from moms that I know, they were so excited and wanted to know what I was going to ask you, and I promised I was going to ask about your hair also because.
We have hair questions. Yeah, we'll get there.
But what was actually so interesting to me was the variety of backgrounds of moms that I know. It was not one model like it was, you know, like one type of person. It was like across the board.
Moms that I know said, oh my god, I look to her like they have. People have a really intense relationship with you. I think the biggest takeaway for me do you feel that? Yeah?
I feel that in a couple of ways. Like number one, I remember when my Instagram account started getting larger and then someone from Instagram and Facebook reached out, because when you get to a certain size, you're like, hey, do you have questions. It was so nice actually, and they actually said, you know, I just want to let you know your parenting focused account is totally different than anyone else,
is based on your global community. Our Instagram followers, I think are sixty percent United States, forty percent outside, so it is so global. And then when we launched our membership, the thing that I'm proudest of is in under a week, we had members from every continent, not Antarctica. Okay, so still not Antarctica. I am hoping there's someone, okay, but
under a week. It's just there's something I think so global about our searching for goodness and strength and compassion, and the way that I think we know that to really show up is the parent we want to be. Yes, we need things for our kids, we really need things for ourselves. It's really like a journey as well. And I think that that's speaking to people and in terms of other feeling it when I meet people on the street and they come up to me, I mean, I
really do. I love it, Like I feel I'm so used to as a psychologist having one to one, so having me talking to like the ether, like knowing that there actually are real humans on the other side and seeing them and meeting hearing their names of their kids, like I really actually appreciate it. It feels much more like me than this version of a relationship.
Yeah, well, if you weren't true, if there were real people, I'm assuming that means that you were not on Twitter, because that is not real people.
That is like, oh my god, don't even that.
It still confuses me. I'm trying to build up on Twitter. It has not been us successful, so working on it.
Okay, So we've got a couple ask for our audience so far, I who know someone in the Antarctica, get them in. We did and subscribed, and we need to follow Becky on Twitter. That's our first fun.
Okay. But this is a business show, so I actually want to cycle back a little bit and go to the business of I'm also at my friend's house at a Valentine's Day party, so we are in her baby's room. So I want to back up a little bit and talk about the business of your structure. So start with us from the beginning. You are a psychologistst the doctor is not. You're not like a witch doctor, like you're a real doctor. What did your practice look like at that point, and what brought you onto Instagram?
Yeah? I love talking about it. There's so many things I want to do with good inside, but one of them really has changed the narrative for women around, like the things that we can be seen for, and business is a big part of it. So yes, I'm a clinical psychologist. The doctor is a PhD. So I can't prescribe medicines. I'm not a psychiatrist, which is kind of a doctor who specializes in struggles and feelings, but from
a more medicalized perspective. So I got my PhD in clinical psychology from Columbia really because when I realized in college I can make a career out of getting to know people, I was like, Oh, that's my favorite thing to do. Anyway, I guess that as a job, that's that's great, right, So I mean.
I feel the same way right here, by the way, right.
And So I then had a private practice and I started working with parents in addition to working with adults who might be parents, but somewhere in intensive psychotherapy, right, I used to work with kids, but I actually realized I liked working with the parents in parenting sessions better than the play therapy itself. And I always felt like
I could have real impact there. And what I noticed is wait, the par dying for parenting and what we're taught timeouts, punishments, like all this stuff is completely at odds with the way I work with adults in therapy to kind of rewire and you know, have lives that
they feel good about. This can't be the way I just it struck me like no, And so then I realized, well, what if I took all the ideas that I know really help adults in therapy and kind of repackage them and reverse engineered them to parents so we could give those ideas to kids early while they were kind of wiring their bodies and brains. And that left in a ton of writing, right because I was like, I was like writing all these ideas and then I was talking
my husband's dear about it. Every night. I'd be like doing parenting group, sharing thisess and honestly, one day he's like, I know this really lights you up inside. That's amazing, but like maybe write them down I kind of watch a show or like do something else every night, And so I did, and then I realized I had all this writing, and then I was like what am I doing with this writing? And then I put it out on Instagram on February twenty eighth, twenty twenty. I didn't
have a goal, I really didn't. All I knew was this stuff lights me up, these ideas. There's a better way. There's a way where we can both respect ourselves, respect our kids, we can help them grow. We could rethink the way we raise our kids while we re raise ourselves along the way, and I just floating out. So I don't know what my goal was, but I already had a full private practice. It wasn't to get referrals. But one thing led to the next, and then I'm
sure there's other things we'll get to. But that's like this began.
Do you remember what your first post was.
I think it was high I'm doctor Becky. You know that's like what it was. It didn't do very well a cappelling, but it was something very, very simple. And then two weeks later New York City shut down and I live in New York City for COVID, and I remember exactly the post that went viral, and I remember I had two hundred followers exactly at the time, and I put out this post about how our kids will remember more about how their family homes felt during COVID
than anything about COVID itself. Our kids are looking at us and learning how to respond to uncertainty. Let's wire them for resilience and not panicked. And then nine slides for like here's how, and that really struck a chord and went viral.
I mean, I think I was sent that twenty five times.
At that moment, your timing really you really answered to a moment of people. We had not been prepared to parent in that My kids at that point were two, three and three weeks old, and it was nothing but panic because we didn't know.
There was just so much uncertainty. And to think that somebody was giving us something realistic and tangible think helped us because it did feel like for the first time I saw parenting advice for me. I know that's the perspective that you were trying to come from, but I thought, oh my god, like because I didn't really connect with my kids as babies, because it seemed a little bit too that's going to sound so selfish of me, but about them, And I was like, but I'm still a person,
don't I exist? And so for someone to acknowledge that I was a participant in this definitely struck a chord with me. So what was your business trajectory at that point?
I had so many ideas. I just wanted to get out there, and then there was this moment where I like realize, wait, I have so many more ideas about resilience and like, I can't capture it in twenty two hundred characters, which is an Instagram limit, you know, or in a carousel post. And so I guess I'm going to do a live event, right, And it was just me. It was like obviously quarantine and I had a small
private practice two days a week. My kids like, there's so much going on, and I said, okay, how have I gone to live events before? I guess I've gotten tickets on event right, I'm going to sell something on event right, even though it's not like a concert. And then I realized people might want this after I'm going to record it. I'm going to make it like a private YouTube link. I'm then going to send that out or like I don't know, I just kind of put
some things together. But even that started because I thought, I have a whole hour. I want to teach about resilience because I love Instagram and Instagram has been amazing to me. But one of the things I think, and I would say this directly to all parents, is just like if you if you met a surgeon who was telling you they want to learn a different type of surgery because whatever they're doing isn't working, and then you heard, well, I get my tips for surgery on Instagram, but it's
not going as well as I want. I feel like i'd say, well, look, you sound busy, but that's not your fault, Like you can't learn a new surgery technique from a tip here and there. And I realized these Instagram moments like I have these tips here and there. But I really think in terms of arcs, I always think we have to understand before we intervene. We then have to translate understanding into practical strategies that are based
on a deep understanding of the core problem. We always have to incorporate work for ourselves to manage our triggers, and then we have to go through specific tricky situations to make it real. Understanding strategies stuff for us real, like tricky situations. I can't do that on an Instagram post. And if you really want to deal with your kids rudeness or your triggers or they're anxiety or sleep, like, you need the arc. That's what I would say, you
just need the whole arc, right, it's a story. And so then I started doing these like once a month on a different topic kind of workshops and I just love them. I was like, oh, and I see people's faces and their response and how different it felt. Mentor the end of twenty twenty, I connected with.
Someone I went to grad school with.
She's also a psychologist, and it's kind of non traditional, but the two of us as psychologist has said, like, we see a much bigger vision here, Like we knew we wanted to build what we always needed when we
were parents of our youngest kids. Like parents have the hardest and most important job in the world, and in my mind, there's no other job that we say is hard and important where we don't give those people training and support, hard start, and so we really did, Like we got angry about it, and I love the feeling. Finger are most afraid of it. But A tells us what we need. It gives us that information and then we can move and do something with that. Like this
is messed up because then women do something else. In parenting, they feel bad about themselves when things aren't They're yelling. They're like, oh, I'm the worst parent, right, Like we blame ourselves. We then don't talk to other people about it, and the whole cycle perpetuates. We're like, we want a platform that changes all of this, and Instagram tips I love them, that's not it. We need three things. We
knew it from the beginning. We need content that actually speaks to us, that makes sense so we can learn. Like any training program, we need each other. We need an antisocial media space to talk about things that are real, and we need experts we trust. So we manualize my good inside approach. We have a clinical trainer, we have training, we have coaches. We then also knew we needed experts in ot and neurodiversity and other specialties, but who come
from a good inside approach. So you weren't being told like, oh, do it a sticker chart and you're like, wait, that doesn't actually make sense to me. And we just wanted to put it all together, and so that really started January first, twenty twenty one. The podcast came out. Other things came out first, and we launched that last April.
So that is your subscription membership model, right, So how does that work?
So that's really interesting. I feel like this is a growing model of business for experts.
Yeah, sort of the freebie of the social media brings new business, like new people inside. But this is an interesting growing field. I'm very interested how you structured this business.
Yeah, so you know, we have so many different versions of like where people can get our guidance. So obviously Instagram, podcasted longer form. We have also a Thursday email. I hate calling it a newsletter because there's no like news in it, but to me, it's like just a long letter I write every week of like an idea. All
of those are free to us. Giving information that brings AHA moments and real impactful change and making that as accessible as possible is really really important to us and is aligned with our mission of just empowering every parent
who is looking for something slightly different. So that's all there. Then, when I think about our membership, I think fitness and eating have kind of been established at these things that people used to think of as like problems solution moments, okay, where they'd be like, oh, I haven't worked out in a while, I got to like get to the gym, right, or I have to lose ten pounds or right. But I think people know now weight it's not about losing weight, and it's not even about getting to the gym a
certain time. It's like it feels good to some people to be in a fitness routine. It just feels good to ongoing do that you actually get less attached to the outcome and you kind of just get addicted to the feelings of being in the process. Same thing with food, right, Oh,
I need to lose this waight. No, some of people are like, I love just eating in a way that like, I know, feels good in my body, right, Like, and I think we're parenting honestly, are bigger mission Emily with the membership is to start thinking about it that way, to get parents out of the mindset of Okay, there's a problem. What do I do that the tantrums are a mess sibling? Right, Okay? Because then I feel like we're just we're in whackable and it's a really anxiety provoking way to live.
Right.
What I hope and what our membership really gives people is every solution to problems. Do you have a problem, And I always say, we will bring you back to baseline, But most parents I know want to raise their baseline. I'm going to cry because raising your baseline doesn't happen when you have a problem. Raising your base happens when I'm like, you've kind of gotten a little bit of hold and now I can reflect more on myself. Now
I get being more connected to my kid. Now I get to have that moment with my kid that's like ten seconds and we both know these moments that just felt so important, like I was reminded to do something right. And that's an ongoing practice, right, like you never really finished. Not to say you need to be a member for years, not to say it's so arduous, but I really love this idea of practicing, of being engaged with, you know,
being a sturdy leader in your home. And that's why we kind of, you know, operate from that model.
Well on the content piece, the good inside is at the core.
I mean, it's the name of your book.
It was like, you know, is it the core of everything that you talk about that your child is good inside? And it is just the behavior, which I think is I think a lot of parents need to hear in a lot of moments, I've definitely needed to hear it. I also feel like a big theme that I hear coming through a lot of your work is building resilience
through children. Do you think do you see those as connected or as two different but important paths that we should be keeping in our minds when we're thinking about raising kids.
Yeah, I think those are two, like what I would say, or like core principles or pillars, there's really ten. It's also like why I wrote the book. I don't even mention the book. The reason I wrote the book is I said, like, I do have an even bigger story to tell around the foundations that guide everything I talk about.
And there's really ten. So whether you're talking about sleep, anxiety, sibling rival read, rudeness, tantrums, whatever, the problem is the interesting thing we hear from our members as well, Like I'm so getting versed in these principles that I see how they apply to like hear it's actually always the same thing. It sounds a little different my interventions, right, but it's like learning a language, right. And so when I think about good inside, let me say this first.
We often as humans, like we collapse things really quickly. So someone will say, oh, so my kid's good inside, So it's just okay that he's like hitting his brother, Like no, definitely not Like I would never look at my kid and be like, oh, you're good inside, keep saying I hate you, get it out, I love it, I love it, Like that would never happen. Okay, But good inside is the idea of separating good internal identity from any given moment or behavior. Here's my identity, here's
my behavior. This doesn't mean this is okay. It just means they're different. And actually, as soon as we say they're different, we can then intervene effectively to actually change behavior. That's the big eyn me right, because when I see my kids good inside, instead of saying you hit your brother, go to your room, why do you think you can act like this?
Right?
I can act these things out because I say these things too, even though I don't want to. Let me just make that clear.
I was like, I was like that one sounded familiar.
Yes, right. My husband like sometimes sends me doctor Becky posts like you might you might want to watch. You might want to watch.
Oh that's so rude. All that cuts so deep.
But when I see good inside, I can say, hey, I'm not going to let you hit. Look, you're having a hard time. We're going to figure this out. I'm gonna help you. And then maybe the next day, when things are calmer, I may say it's really hard to play blocks with your brother. I know, it's so frustrating when you want something and don't have it ps. That's hard for us too. Nobody likes wanting and not having.
I don't.
So if I say that and I say, look, I'm gonna actually do something funny with you. I'm gonna play blocks with you. And I know these big ones are your favorite when you're building a fire station, I'm going to have them. I really am not going to give them to you, and that's going to be frustrating. And when you want them, we're going to practice together, taking a deep breath, putting our hands here they don't hit, moving away, and saying this is hard and I can
deal with it. I'm kind of making this up. So but beeing my kid is good. Inside, I see see that they're not a bad kid. They actually are just missing a skill. And by realizing that the skills they need are managing emotions, I'm building resilience along the way. Because here's the big picture, and here's actually what I think I'm most proud of. It got inside and this is where my background really helps. I know the types of things in childhood that end up helping versus holding
us back in adulthood. These are all the reasons people can't room now. I don't think most thirty year olds, although some are getting frustrated that someone else has their blocks. Okay, that's probably not concretely what's happening. But your circuit that you build for managing frustration around sharing blocks at age four is the same circuit in your body that will activate when there's traffic on the road. It's the same circuit that will activate when you don't get the job
you want it. It's the same circuit that will activate that when you get to a restaurant and you're like, oh, I want the special and they say, oh, we're out. You don't have an adult tantrum. So the good inside of approach our strategies buy you wins in the future because you're spending time now building skills that are not only going to help today, but actually set your kid up to not have to do all of that rewiring that most of us have to do down on the line.
To me, that's the ultimate gift I want to give my kids.
I think that's huge. I mean, thinking about parenting to build good adults I think is actually quite different than the parenting advice of the last couple of years. I would say a better.
Goal, but you know, I think a lot of it over the last couple of years has been how to deal in that actual moment, just to keep just to manage the situation, like just to get yourself out of that situation. And often the thing that gets you out of that situation does not build skills for your children
ahead of time. And when you were talking about, you know, building the routine, whether it's food, whether it's exercise, whatever it is, I feel like I've had to build new skills myself as a parent because I had never been in any of these situations before. Like it was totally new, and I was thought to myself, Oh, I'm an accomplished adults, like I know how I could take this on.
But no, that is ridiculous. I had never done it before. So I think the idea of building a routine, of having a coach who's thinking about an end outcome, I mean, that's how I would approach the work situation.
Like that makes total sense exactly. So here's something I hear a lot from parents, but we say to our kids things like it's okay to be angry, it's not okay to hit right. Here's what I don't love about these those interventions they're purely logical, right, just like if someone I think I often think about basketball as a metaphor. Okay, let's say your kid couldn't make a layup and instead
threw the ball out of bounds. Right if I said to my kid, it's not okay to throw the ball out of bounce, I don't think anyone would think that was Like the best coach, you'd be like, well, shouldn't you like practice what they what.
They should do.
We can't teach basketball through logic. We teach basketball through movement and practice, right and repetition. The workshop I did that was by far the most popular, honestly that I've ever done, was why punishments and timeouts don't work and what to do instead? Because I know parents want kids who are going to be resilient, and I get it they're worried. I totally get it. Like this feels soft
to not like punish my kids. I don't want to raise kids one day are going to like, you know, not be able.
To deal with life. Right.
But the irony is if you watch your kids basketball, coach, say to them, you're not making layups, go to your room, go to your room, and you come back when you can make a layup I just don't know anyone and be like, that is an awesome coach, yep, any sense right? You want the coach to practice right. And you know the most powerful thing, EMILYE is like I love a good inside the company really how much we live. It's all the same principles as we talk to everyone else.
It's about Okay, something didn't go well, what can we learn from it, How can we actually make a change, What skills do employees need to show up the way they want? And watching how applicable it is to parenting and business right, is just it's so heartening, and it's what makes it feel kind of so big.
That's so interesting.
And actually you got right into When I was, you know, thinking about having this conversation with you, I kept having to reset myself to not make this like a personal therapy session with you, like does not just like dominate like my own questions about things I have to do. And the one that I kept coming back to is I feel like I'm like actually the last parent of my generation that does do timeouts. So I will pose my question to you, which was, in what way am I screwing up my children?
No, that's.
So the way I think about questions in general more than anything else specific, because it's as applicable to kids as relationships as your partnership as you. A question you ask someone is a road you want want to walk.
Down with them.
I mean that the questions we ask people determined the way we connect to them. And so when I think about the question when I'm doing a time out, how does that mess up my kid? What I'm going to say to you IM say, I don't want to rock down that road with you, like no matter, I just don't. I don't think that's a productive road to be on. We're either messing up our kid, We're not messing up
our kid. What I would say instead is okay, well tell me what you're trying to accomplish there, right, tell me what you're trying to accomplish or what it does for you.
So let's do that.
What does that do for you when I'm out like just totally neutral, like no judgment, What does that help you with in the moment?
For me as a parent, it gives me a little breathing room. It makes me It also makes me feel like I'm sending the message to my child that the behavior they exhibited is not appropriate.
This is great, this is what I hear that this was such core of my You have to take the punishment. I'm going to send it to you after the timeouts don't work. I want to do instead because I really think you'll love it, because I think you can tell talking to me. Nothing about me is like soft. It's why I don't like the term gentle parenting. I'm like, in the list of adjectives I used to describe myself, gentle is just nowhere on the list. But that doesn't
mean it's me. So here's the thing about a time out. Let's use that basketball example, Like, if you watched your kids basketball coach give them a timeout for missing a layup, I can't imagine you'd think that was productive. And if the coach is like, well, I just don't want your kid to think that. I think it's so pay that they miss layups, I don't know about me, I'd be like,
that doesn't what. It doesn't even make sense, you know, because if we take a different example, Let's say you're late to work all the time, okay, and you have a boss who's like, you know what, Emily, you've been late to work where we're not ordering you lunch this week. It is totally unacceptable.
Okay, let's just take that and just.
Notice how that feels, okay, Versus let's say you had a different boss who said, Hey, i'mily come to my office. You're not in trouble. You've been really late to work this week, and look, you're a good employee, Like I actually know you want to be productive and get things done, which also lets me know you must be kind of struggling with something about getting here on time, or maybe
the workplace doesn't feel great for you. I don't know, you must be struggling with something, And actually I feel like what would be most productive is for us just to get to the bottom of that together. We're on the same team now. I just want to know, do you walk out of your boss's office being like, Wow, she thinks it's okay for me to get to work late, Like I just like, I don't know anyone who would think that.
Yeah.
No, totally such a common mindset, but when you actually break it down, it actually doesn't really make sense. We are not kind of animals that are purely responsive to various reinforcement. We are very, very complicated when we operate
through connection and attachment more than anything else. Trying to understand your kid's behavior and then helping them build the skills they were missing to change that behavior doesn't mean you approve of the original behavior, and it actually means you're just most invested in productive change, which is what I think all good bosses and probably good parents and
leaders in general do. The other thing about a timeout, I think we canna be honest with ourselves, is like, what do we think a kid is doing?
Again?
I'm just like, I'm oriented not by being softw by being effective, Like I don't know a kid who's like, you know what, when I get a time out, I google have managed my anger toward my mom. So I don't say I hate you, like what what are they doing in that room?
Right?
And so I think what you're saying, though, that's important most time out parents needs. So what I would shift is just saying, hey, like, I need a moment to come my body and then you and I are going to figure this out together. I'm on your team. I need that moment and maybe in exam thing, Hey, I'm not going to give you so many timeouts anymore. I don't really think it's productive. I sometimes need a time
out to come my body. So the next time something hard happens, I might just say, hey, now that time, I'm taking a mommy time out for myself. I love you, I'll be back. We're going to figure this out.
Yeah, that the mommy time out.
Has been huge for me.
Like I feel like it's okay to tell them, like.
I'm having trouble with this situation right now, I need a bit.
Okay.
I could talk to you all day and ask you questions. I don't want to take up too much of your time, Doctor Becky, How can we find you?
Where do we find you? Tell us everything?
Thank you? So everything is a good inside dot com if you haven't checked it out, like the website has so much there, so all my podcasts you can get through there. There've been some recommended here if you haven't signed up for that Thursday newsletter good Insider. It's a great way to start to get content that's a little bit longer than like here on Instagram, which I think is something we just deserve to have a little bit
of a fuller picture. And then if you're sitting here being like wow, I deserve kind of ongoing resources and support I do have an important job, or someone said to me in our membership. You know, I used to work outside the home before I was a stay at home mom, and I always looked at ongoing training as a sign of people belief in me and being really good at my job, and like, this is my ongoing kind of training in that way. So I love that.
So our membership is there whether you have a big problem, not big, but whether you're like, oh, I'm in the midst of like a big cant frum sibling rivalry. I promise you we have a workshop for it. Some people join because they kind of want to start with solving a problem, and other people join because they're like, you know what, I just really want that ongoing community, that ongoing support resources.
I trust.
Right, we just did it great and you're going to love this because I'll do the workshop and it'll come with membership. How to talk about sex event, Like we really get into all the like how do you really deal with all these things?
Right?
Parenting is a journey, and I just like, I really mean this, like I'm honored to be so many parents co pilots there.
Well, I think someone put in the comments and it's great non judgmental advice, and I think that is a lot of what is connecting everyone so much to your advice. Thank you so much, doctor Becket. This has been such a pleasure to have you on. Thank you so much. Bye. Thanks for listening to this special minisot of she Pivots. Check back in weekly for more conversations with inspiring women. To learn more about our guests, follow us on Instagram
at sheep Pivots the podcast. Leave a rating in comment if you enjoyed this episode to help others learn about it. A special thank you to our partner Marie Claire and the team that made this episode possible. Talk to you next week. Sheep Pivots is hosted by me Emily Tish Sussman, produced by Emily eda Veloshik, with sound editing and mixing from Nina Pollok, and research and planning for Christine Dickinson and Hannah Cousins.
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