Criminal, justice, healing, education.
Hey guys.
As you guys know, my name is Holly Cisa. I am the host of this lovely program we call Mourning Mimosas. Mourning is to awaken and mimosas are just delicious. So and as you guys know, we value human life, justice, healing, and education, or better justice, wisdom and.
Wellness.
That just sounds a lot better. Guys.
I haven't done an audio episode in a really long time, to just bear with me. Today's title is called a survivor's Story, so obviously it's gonna get a little deep, so.
Just bear with me.
Well if it's there.
The reason I decided to record this episode is because I will not sit here and lie to my people and say that I have been in the best mental health I have not. I can honestly say that I've been trying to cover it up, but it's not good to keep things hidden because things get deeper and deeper, and then you find yourself having multiple, multiple random crying sessions the day and just feeling just so bad. A lot of you guys know my story. You know, I gave birth to a baby girl when I was fifteen,
and my baby girl is no longer here. That was the start of everything. I'm also a survivor of trying to take my own life, and I'm gonna talk about that. I'm gonna talk about my multiple survivings. I should say, after my daughter passed away, I didn't see and or feel the need to still be here.
So I am I was.
An alcoholic or really bad as a teenager. I had to take myself that way. Yeah, it wasn't a typical alcohol obviously, I was drinking gin and all the other stuff. But my alcohol of choice was rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide, and I would mix it with other things. That's how deep my issues were as a teenager.
This.
You know, I felt like no one understood me, even my family. You know, my sisters were all really young, but I just felt like no one understood me then. And I'm thirty three, about to be thirty four, and I still feel.
Like that now.
Obviously God kept me here for a reason.
So yeah, but.
I do want to say something to those who are.
Going through that.
Please don't do a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Please, I'm gonna say this to anybody was listening. Contact me if you want to talk.
I know what it's like.
I feel like nobody's listening to you, Nobody hears you, nobody hears the damn you.
I know what that's like.
Yes, I feel like that every day.
M M. Then to survive.
Multiple forms of abuse. I was eighteen years old when I was dating this guy, and he knew that I was in this streets when I was a younger teenager, because whether we want to believe it or not, I was eighteen is not grown mm hmm. I thought he was a good man with a father, my man. That love was a twisted one. He ended up pimping me out and then abusing me physically.
I remember.
A night he had me.
Dressed up as a little progress room to entertain and I ended up getting raped that night.
I was never more scared of my life than at that moment, because I didn't know.
If that man would take my life after that.
And after being raped, I didn't bring my ex away from the money that.
I was supposed to and so he slapped me, hold my.
Hair and told me to get my shit together.
That man took my phone. I had to beg him to try to get my phone back, but I ended that relationship I let him just keep the phone. I'm like, I'm not, I'm gotta do this shit.
M sorry, y'all.
Imagine somebody telling you that they love you, but they'd knock you upside your head, and because you think that you did something wrong or you did something to deserve it, you just take it. And the thing I think is crazy about that is that he knew what I went through losing my daughter, and he knew I was in that life before and I got out and he decided
let me right back into it. And then just imagine, just for a second, you're a good person, you're a good woman, and you're consistently being called names, and people think that emotional and verbal and mental abuse is not No, it's not a big deal.
It is.
I've been physically abused, but emotional, mental, and verbal abuses.
So it destroyed me physically.
Being told that you're nothing, that you're worthless, and then being reminded of that, and it makes everything just.
Even sadder.
Is that, after all that you have been through, the only thing that you want.
Is a chance to see what.
The opposite looks like. You just want to know what it's like to be loved properly. To not be called a pitch or how or a slut or cunt. To know what it's like not to get your hair pulled, getting slapped, punched, raped. If you're still listening, and if you get to this part and if it triggers you, I want you to reach out to me. I'm going to say this publicly for everyone's a year. Not only was I abused in that way.
An X of.
Mine put meth You heard me put meth meth amphetamine up my vagina.
Yeah, we're getting.
Years, we're getting all the details.
And obviously you guys know what happened after that.
From losing a child at fifteen years old, it's being abused by multiple men, whether it be physical, emotional, mental, sexual.
Am I asking too much by asking? When will someone love me? Write? After all that?
Hm?
When this next part is before the girls war just like me.
And we're tired of waiting. M I'm tired of waiting. I survived all that.
Survive all of.
That, guys, I survive all of that. And I guess maybe I'm delusional for this, but I survived all.
That like a Disney princess survives. When do I get my happy ending? And please don't come on here.
Talking about, Oh, she didn't love herself.
I love the fuck out of myself.
But just like I remind you guys all the time, I'm a human, just like you guys, and I've been through enough, and damn it, I just want my peace.
And my peace of happiness. There's nothing wrong with that. I've been let anybody shame me into something I know I deserve. After all I've been through.
I deserve that Disney Princess, specifically Princess Tampa. IM a survivor because God wanted me to survive. I still have a purpose and I'm going to write it out. I survived, and now it's time to live.