¶ Introduction to SEND Parenting Podcast
Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast . I'm your neurodiverse host , dr Olivia Kessel , and , more importantly , I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter , alexandra , who really inspired this podcast .
As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system , I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation , alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks . Each week on this podcast I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade .
Welcome to this special summer bite-sized series of the SEND Parenting Podcast . Alexandra Unmasked A Teen's Journey with ADHD . Over the next four episodes , I'll be joined by someone very close to my heart , my daughter Alexandra , as she shares what it has really been like to live with ADHD from her own perspective .
Together we will explore what it felt like before her diagnosis , what medication was really like for her and some of the challenges to taking it . We'll also look at sleep , or rather the lack of it , and finally we'll look at friends , freak outs and figuring things out .
But before we dive in , I want to share something I've created just for you , if you're a mom like me , wondering whether your daughter might have ADHD but keep getting told she's fine or just sensitive . You're not alone . I've put together a free guide the five most misunderstood signs of ADHD in girls and what you can do about them .
It offers clear , practical steps to help you move from confusion to clarity so that you can advocate with confidence . At the end you'll find a simple red flag checklist to help you spot the often missed signs in girls , like zoning out emotional outbursts or people-pleasing .
So just click on the link in the show notes , enter your email and I'll send the guide directly to your inbox . Now let us begin today's episode . All right , well , welcome , alexandra . This is our first bite-sized podcast that we're doing for the four or maybe five-part series this summer , and thank you for coming on .
Send Parenting Podcast to share the perspective of a kid who's actually has ADHD . Yeah , yeah , well , I remember , and I don't know if your mind can go back this far , but when you were 11 , it was actually just around this time before your 12th birthday , and now you're just before your 14th birthday , which is in how many days ?
Five , five days , wow , so very exciting . So can you think way back to when you were just 11 years old , before you were diagnosed with ADHD ? And let's talk about some of the things that were , you know , a bit of a struggle for both of us , I might add . I mean , I remember
¶ Morning Struggles Before Diagnosis
getting ready in the mornings as something close to a battlefield and such chaos . So it was really difficult . If mommy said to you Alexandra , could you please go upstairs and get ready , brush your teeth , brush your hair , get dressed , make your bed , and you'd go upstairs and what would happen ?
I would not do it because there was loads of instructions that I struggled with , them being so many instructions that I couldn't even focus . I would just want one instruction and then , when I was done with that instruction , I would ask for the next instruction .
But let's be honest here there was not even one instruction being followed , because when you get upstairs , what would happen ?
I would get distracted by my Alexa , my dog toys , even the slightest thing that made me out of place , then I would have to fix it or do anything like that .
So it was very easy to get distracted , and then Mummy would scream .
Are you ready At seven o'clock ? And I would be like , ah , and then I would have to run .
Yeah , and that was another challenge right as well , the time limits . You didn't really understand that we were in a rush , that we had to get ready at a certain time . So , yeah , and then what would happen to Mommy ? Would she blow a gasket ?
Yeah , you would get angry .
Yes , I would , and I'd be like why aren't you ready yet ?
And then there was an anger me of me being really angry because I'm not ready yet . And then there would be an angry moment of me being like , ah , why are you not downstairs ?
And then it would clash . Yes , yes , such fond memories , such fond memories , such good times . And then you know sometimes like also another big problem , if I remember correctly , is when you just completely lose it , like have a meltdown . I know you don't like emotional dysregulation . It's too fancy of a word Flash anger . We don't like that one either .
We have to think of a new word dysregulation it's a too fancy of a word flash anger .
We don't like that one either .
We have to think of a new word . No , it's red zone , the red zone .
Okay , like there's loads of different zones . Maybe we'll make a podcast of it , but um and what's the red zone ? It's basically when you're angry , when you see red kind of you , you're out of control . Nothing can stop you . You don't want to be in that zone yeah , because you can .
You can , you can be screaming down buildings you can knock down buildings ? Yep , that's true . You can kick , you can throw stuff . It's just a . It's a . It's a volcano eruption , isn't it ? Yeah , and sometimes that would happen at school too , which was be make it a bit challenging with friends , sometimes when you felt when , sometimes when it happened there .
Yeah , like I remember once another child who wasn't really in my friend group came up to me to ask me a question about something and it
¶ The Red Zone: Emotional Challenges
was a touchy subject for me and I just broke down crying Seriously , no , like I don't want to speak about that , just broke down crying just went straight into that , yeah yeah and so who helped you at school ? my teacher assistant in year seven , who just would not just ask a question like Alexandra , can I speak with you please ?
She would say , alexandra , would you like a drink of water ? And we would go outside and have a drink of water and that would just distract me . And then we would talk about when I was in a better mood , talk about what was wrong . She knew me very well at the end of that year .
Yeah , so she didn't try and talk to you when you were in that red zone , she just distracted you , got you to do something else and to calm down she sounds very clever . I like her ? Yeah , and I found that way as well .
But it must have been kind of frustrating that , first of all , mommy asking you to do all these things you found really challenging in the morning , and then going to school and also having challenges , and then when you came home we'd have homework and that was fun Homework , horror stories . So it was really challenging , wasn't it ?
You couldn't just sit down and do your homework , could you ? I would get distracted by something , then I would get distracted with the log , then I would get distracted by anything that was around me , and I would have to have someone next to me , otherwise I wouldn't get the show , you wouldn't stay there , would you ?
Good times , alexandra , good memories .
Especially in lockdown , when we had to have like , when we had to have just online and the teachers would say go get your work done and come back to lesson five minutes .
And I would be like You'd be out in the garden . Yes , I think I had PTSD from that period which is post-traumatic stress . But so you know , all of these things we didn't really recognize .
But then it got more and more hard and the more mommy kind of tried to think , oh , you're getting almost 12 now , you should be able to get ready , you should be able to do this . And you were really struggling . And mommy had started the podcast then and I started listening to people and I started to think to myself , could she have ADHD ?
And I was like , well , you know , maybe that could explain some of these things that
¶ Homework Horrors and Assessment Process
are going on . So I decided and because of the long waiting listening when I decided that , you know , I would invest the money , my savings , to get you a private assessment . So mommy called up and interviewed a couple of clinics and found a clinic that I thought was , and still think the Giroli Center was a very good place for you to get diagnosed .
And so we were given all these forms to fill out . You also had interviews with the clinician as well . But do you remember taking ? Do you remember when we had to fill out all those forms , you sat at mommy's desk by yourself to fill them out .
I kind of remember it . I kind of remember it and what I thought of it was basically this because basically , what you're giving me is a sheet of paper with tick boxes and the only thing that I would kind of remember that as as a test in school , when you would have a test and you had to get the right questions .
You mean answers .
Answers to the questions and get it correct and then get your mark . And to me , this sheet of paper in front of me was like I've got to get these all correct . It wasn't about what is ADHD . I don't know what it is and blah , blah , blah . And it was actually afterwards that I actually found out what that was , what that meant .
Yeah , I didn't really explain actually afterwards that I actually found out what that meant .
Yeah , I didn't really explain it too well to you , which maybe that's something with hindsight . I could have done better , but I didn't want to put the cart before the horse and I wanted you to answer the questions honestly , which is super interesting because you answer the questions without mommy's input .
I answer the same questions by myself , and then two of your teachers your class teacher and your ELSA teacher also answered the question , so we all answered them separately , like kind of like blindfolded . We didn't know what anyone else had answered , and you know what we all answered exactly the same , within one to two differences of points .
So , and we all know you very well and you know yourself very well , so to me that really validated that . Those questions got to the heart of it and those questions , along with your interview with a clinical psychiatrist , a meeting said you had ADHD and that was . You know , what did you feel when mommy ?
You know , do you remember when mommy told you that you had ADHD ?
You were sitting down at the dining room kitchen uh-huh , you got home from school and I got home from school and you had an amazon package with three books and one of the books that really stuck out to me was all dogs have adhd .
Yeah and I'll include that in the show notes , because it's a great book and I forgot who yeah , who wrote it ? That's all right that's all right , and maybe we could describe it a bit so for each , each page there's a dog .
For each page there's a dog with a little bit of words that are under the picture and it would just say I have full of energy . I blah , blah , blah .
Kind of describe what it's like to have ADHD with each of the dogs . Like you know , I like to daydream or I find it difficult to concentrate , but it was really good , wasn't it ? And that kind of explained that you had ADHD , attention deficit , hyperactivity disorder Okay so it's mouthful .
That's why they call it .
ADHD . And did you ? How did you feel ? Like , was it were ? You like , oh good , now I know , or like was it scary or was it a bit of both ? How did you feel ? I know it's a long time ago .
I guess it helped me to realise what was happening in the mornings and what was happening in the evenings doing homework at school times , when I was having meltdowns or rage
¶ The ADHD Diagnosis and Feelings
and it was happy to hear that I had it and to know what was this .
And it was also really good to actually find out what ADHD was . Yeah , and I think you know , like when we were going through that book together , you're like , oh , that's me , that's me , that's me , you know . And so it kind of it was like looking in the mirror in a way . You know what I mean .
And for mommy it was like , oh , my goodness , that explains everything . Well , no , actually at that point it was still a big question mark . I have to be honest , Just like you , I knew about ADHD , kind of thought it was just hyperactive boys .
So I had a lot of research that I had to do a good year or more of research to figure out , like , what does this mean ? What's going on in this brain , and then and then how we can , how , how I could help you best with it , and I mean , now we're .
I mean , okay , this is fast forwarding a bit and we've got a couple more episodes , but now when I tell you to get ready in the morning , you get ready in the morning and in the morning , and there's a lot of steps that we to get to that place , but it is .
It is pretty amazing now that you are , you're a self-starter and there's many things that have come into that . So we've , you know , had support , we've had medication , we've had all sorts of stuff .
Now , before we end this podcast , because I know we're just over the 10 minute mark , if you were to say to another kid who was , you know , maybe their mom or their dad , or they were kind of wondering if they had ADHD is there anything that you would say to them ?
What you did at the beginning when we found out that we had ADHD ?
when we found out that I had ADHD , we did like little um post-it notes kind of which said get dressed , brush your teeth , brush your hair , do this , do that so broke it down and yeah and then I would look at the first step get dressed , and then did that , and look at the second step and then that would make it easier for me to do it and also to
have a movement . Breaks like to clear your head , do something that you enjoy , exercise , as you always say , no , I know , and that's you know .
I think that that's great and that's something that people can actually try , even before they have an ADHD diagnosis , if they find that their kids are really struggling to follow lots of steps . And we made it fun we had Post-it notes and then you could scrumple them up and throw them away and it really helped and we still have it at the address .
Yeah , now we have them pinned up , but you don't need them anymore because now you've done it so many times , you don't need to use the front of your brain anymore . It and how to get ready . So that's brilliant . I think that's a really good tip .
And what would you Maybe I'll answer this one , because maybe you can chip in as well Like , what would you say to other mommies who maybe are struggling with these kind of things ? And I think you know , and I think that my expectations and what I was expecting you to do weren't meeting up with what you could do .
So if I could go back in a time capsule and be able to tell myself hey , you know , maybe there's something else going on here , maybe she can't manage these things , maybe I need to try to support her and her brain , I would have you know , instead of getting upset or getting frustrated or thinking that you were being naughty or that you just wanted to play ,
which is kind of what mommy was thinking . I wasn't understanding how challenging it was for you . I wish I could go back and tell myself that Um , would you say anything to to to mommy , if you could go back in time .
Um , take a minute .
Take a minute to relax
¶ Tips and Support Strategies
take a minute to calm down and chill out . Yeah , well , thank you so much for listening to the first episode of our mini series and if you're a parent navigating the early stages of ADHD journey , I hope that Alexandra's honesty and mine have helped you feel a little bit less alone , because I think we both felt very alone .
And in our next episode we're going to talk about a big moment and really a life-changing moment , I think , for Alexandra and I , and that was starting ADHD medication , which has really , really , really helped . But there was a lot of fears , yeah , and not . I mean , the first one was just , I can't take a pill , mommy .
Yeah , I would try to chew it and I would try to do lots of other things with it . But yeah , well , we'll see .
So we'll see you next week and we'll talk about medication . We'll see you Bye , bye , bye , bye , bye . Thank you for listening to this first episode of our Bite Size series . If you're a parent navigating the early stages of an ADHD journey , I hope Alexandra's honesty has helped you feel less alone .
In our next episode we'll talk about a big moment in Alexandra's journey starting ADHD medication . We'll talk about the fears , the questions and the remarkable changes that came with the addition of medication into our lives . So stay tuned for next week . Look forward to you joining us , thank you .