[00:00:00] Melvin: Hello. Hello, welcome to session. 278 of selling the couch. I hope that you are doing well and having a great day. So you may or may not notice, but my mic is a little bit different that's because after a long. Gosh, since 2015, I've decided to switch my podcasting microphone, but that microphone is actually not set up right now.
I'm actually using it. The mic that I normally use for, for like video recordings, for consult, for coaching calls, that Mike is the road, video mic TG, if you're curious, but, uh, I'm, I'm. Getting ready to use, uh, getting ready to set up the new mic, which is going to be the Shure SM seven B, but I just haven't had a chance to do that.
Hence why you are hearing this mic and hearing this long-winded explanation. Today's podcast session is [00:01:00] a topic that I've been thinking a lot about and it's to be completely honest, it's something that I have struggled with for much of my life and definitely for much of my career, which is. Comparing myself to how others are doing and feeling like I'm not measuring up.
Uh, I've had to do a lot of personal work on this, uh, in, in terms of just therapy and my own like journaling and lots of conversations and things like that. I wanted to have this conversation of. This conversation, because I know that this is something many of us struggle with, which is comparing ourselves to others in the field.
And, but doing it in a way that's healthy and that doesn't cripple or stifle the creativity and the purpose and the meaning we were put on this earth to do. I remember reading this quote called comparison can [00:02:00] steal your joy. And that quote has always resonated for me. My guest today is Dr. Supriya Blair Supriya is a psychologist in Albany, New York.
Her website is at Dr. supriya.com and Sabrina and I, she is part of the STC newsletter. That's how we first connected. Uh, she sent a very sweet and thoughtful note a couple of months ago, and we've had just a nice connection and, and, uh, yeah. We got to this point where it made sense to do a podcast conversation on this topic, we're going to cover a range of different things.
And first, we're going to start with this idea that how comparison comes so easily to many of us. And why does Sabrina think that is? And then some of the ways that. Even for Supriya how she noticed that she was comparing herself to other colleagues and how it impacted her and how she was able to sort of reframe and think, think about.
[00:03:00] Think about that whole perspective, we're going to paint a scenario as well, which I think happens in a lot of situations, which is we may be on social media and we see a colleague posts, something often, something that we may want to do, whether it's in the therapy room, like, you know, transition from a solo to a group practice, or maybe beyond the therapy room, like launch a podcast or write a book.
Or launch an online course or do paid speaking or something like that. And that insecurity inevitably creeps up for most of us. And how does Dr. Sabrina handle that tension as it, as it comes up? And then we're going to wrap up with some of the resources and tips and things that. She's found helpful, just, uh, just to navigate this whole world before we do get to today's podcast session, just wanted to take a moment to thank a brand new sponsor on the STC podcast.
Headway headways primary goal is to build a new mental health care [00:04:00] system here in the U S tens of millions of Americans are seeking mental health care every day, but the vast majority. Of those people don't get the care that they need. And headway is basically solving this and they're doing all of this through software.
So more specifically, um, I actually didn't know this, but one in four Americans have a treatable mental health condition, but most don't get that care. And the number one reason that they often don't is price. So practically because 70% of therapists do not accept insurance. Because of the administer. And often that's because of either lower Lois were lower reimbursement rates, just difficulties getting on panels or because of the administrative burden.
So this means basically individuals, clients have to pay out of pocket prices they can afford. And so. And this is where headway comes in and they're basically building the first asset free national network [00:05:00] of therapists who accept insurance. So basically you can build your practice with full insurance or part insurance.
And at the same time, helping them so much of the population that is seeking mental health services and in, in an awesome way, you can learn more about headway in the services that they provide over@sellingthecouch.com forward slash headway. So we'll get right to today's podcast session. Here's my conversation with Dr.
Supriya Blair from Dr. Sabria. Dot com Hey, Supriya welcome to selling the couch.
Supriya: Hey Melvin, thank you so much for having me
Melvin: both excited and grateful for our conversation. I, uh, you know, we've, we've connected over email, have, you know, built a nice connection and, uh, it's, it's neat too. Actually do a podcast conversation and that actually to actually be on zoom and, uh, and talk.
So I'm grateful for this time together.
Supriya: Me [00:06:00] too. I am grinning ear to ear just as it seems like you are. So I'm really happy to be here. Thank you.
Melvin: Yeah, absolutely. Today's topic is a pretty vulnerable one, you know, I know that just. Something I've struggled with. I know that a lot of our colleagues struggle with, which is comparing ourselves to others in the field.
And, you know, I'm grateful that we can have a, an honest and vulnerable conversation like this, because I feel like so many of us are gifted in so many different ways. And it's so easy to let that comparison. Um, most tourists from fulfilling what, you know, we were put on this earth to
Supriya: do. Absolutely. I think it's a super important conversation and one that doesn't always get, get proper light, I would say.
Melvin: Yeah, absolutely. And maybe I wondered it start there, which is, you know, I feel like this comparison. Thing. It's almost [00:07:00] like so easy for many of us, especially in the helping professions. What are your thoughts around why that is?
Supriya: Sure. So I liked think that one of the reasons why we do compare is well-intentioned.
So we want to serve our clients as best as we can make sure that we're keeping up with best practices as that's part of our responsibility and overall, genuinely want to. Give better do better. I also think that, you know, patterns are learned over time. We don't just necessarily pick things overnight.
And so really looking at even family of origin dynamics was comparison a part of the dialogue growing up. Where people compare to their siblings, where they compared to a community member, whether the same age or same grade level, and were you right where we competitive in school, it was competition sort of something we thrived on [00:08:00] where we rewarded for it.
And ultimately I think if you really go get down to the bedrock comparison really comes from insecurity. A feeling of right. Am I doing enough? Am I, am I on the right track? Am I being enough? Jay Shetty has a, I know you're a quotes person. So I think you'd appreciate this. Jay Shetty has a really powerful quote where he says comparison means you feel dissatisfied and disappointed with what you have.
So the only thing that makes you feel better is feeling you are better than others. It's a recipe for failure.
Melvin: Yeah. There's sort of this lack of contentment, like just given the circumstances, it's very, almost like future focused where you don't appreciate the present moment. Yeah, that is such a good quote.
I'm so glad. Like you, you pulled that quote, what, in that quote resonated for you? For me,
Supriya: I think it was really, I think it was the [00:09:00] two parts. Right. So he talks about, um, so essentially, why are you comparing in the first place? Right. And he talks about. Some sort of dissatisfaction or disappointment. Right.
So right. Is that I don't feel good enough or is something lacking and then the other part, so what do we do with that comparison? Well, in order for our ego to feel a bit. Better than we might sort of fall asleep place herself as above and beyond. And, you know, sine tangent, spiritually speaking, you know, I truly come from the belief that we're all the same inside.
We're cut from the same cloth, but our spirit, right. That is the same within us. Um, our soul expresses a differently. So earlier, prior, right, we had talked about this idea that we all have those unique gifts. And that's really where our soul shines through.
Melvin: Hmm. Yeah. It's such a, such a beautiful way of putting it.
I wanted to ask you a [00:10:00] little bit of a vulnerable question. Yeah. Which is what are like three ways that you, you have found yourself comparing yourself to. Two
Supriya: colleagues. Yeah, the first one, I would say, um, as a pretty poignant conversation back in prior to postdocs. So funny story between internship year and postdoc.
I had a long weekend, so I ended August 29. And then I remember the day and postdoc started right after labor day, September 2nd.
Melvin: Oh man. You liked rolled right into it. Huh?
Supriya: I did. And it was out of state. It was, it was a thing. Maybe it's a good thing. Prior to the end of my internship year, I sat with my then dissertation chair who really, you know, someone I really admire.
She has published good stuff in the world, continues to do amazing social justice. Activism. And I remember asking [00:11:00] her how she, and specifically two other women sort of did all of the things, quote unquote. And I was so happy that she essentially humanized them to me. And she essentially, he said, you know, Supriya, your journey is different from them.
Your responsibilities, their responsibilities are different from yours. So you don't have to do. What they're doing, and it might seem so obvious, but I think sometimes we don't give ourselves permission to do something differently because we see like other people or what they do as almost like the template.
Versus a
Melvin: template. Oh, interesting. And almost like you have to do that template because that's the only way to accomplish it.
Supriya: Yes. Well, if they're successful, right. That means are doing something right. And I think that is partly like a naive perspective. And I think one, right as we're a bit [00:12:00] younger, men may be many of
Melvin: us share.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I, I think, I mean, even like at a practical level, like I remember starting this podcast and, you know, John Lee Dumas and Pat Flynn are like two people. I really admired in the podcasting space. I think my personally is probably a little more like pats, but we're obviously like completely different people.
But I remember like in these initial episodes, I felt like I had to have a certain tone, had to be this like super peppy high energy, which is like not who I am at all. And then I had to ask questions a certain way and it is true. Like, And, you know, I, yeah, I think I was like younger and naive and scared and, you know, and didn't, I was trying to find my voice and all of those things, you know?
Absolutely.
Supriya: And you know, us being a conglomerate of all of our mentors, all of our professors that we respect so much. And just bringing that light forward, I think is really
Melvin: beautiful. [00:13:00] Yeah. So when, uh, when you know this colleague that you really admired when they said it to you, how did it change, how you started to see things.
Yeah.
Supriya: So interestingly enough, I'm going to sort of toot my own, my own horn a little bit here. Supposedly with my dissertation. I was really like the only person that didn't have to do a revision in the schools like history. And very shortly after the funding, she had asked me, you know, take some time off and celebrate and then come back to me in like January.
And we'll talk about publishing and. I had a lot of, you know, psychobabble, cognitive dissonance. And it just wasn't something that I was interested in that I wanted to do. So, you know, I, I had to have a, I did have a meeting with her and I said, you know, I respect you so much. Obviously you are my mentor.
Part of the reason I came to this school was to [00:14:00] have that mentorship with you. And at this time, this is not right for me. So really recognizing that my own empowerment is where my authenticity lies. Right. And, um, it's a hard conversation, right? It's like, I think I'll speak for myself, but in many times in graduate school, like you want.
Like you want to do well. Right. And you want the people you respect to respect you. And there's also a time where you individually. And I think that was, um, a really poignant moment for me to say, I respect you. My lane is shifting,
Melvin: Oh my gosh. I was like, put myself in your shoes. I would have went like right away.
Not ever even considered that, but what. What courage and bravery. And just to say, I mean, you said it so well, just to recognize that part of growth for all of us is being able to. Hone and take those lessons from mentors, [00:15:00] but then getting to that point where we recognize, like, you know what, at some points there are times where paths diverge.
And one of the most honoring things that I can do is to respect that path that I'm being called. Yes. So after that conversation, like, what was that like? How did it sit with you? Yeah.
Supriya: Well, to your point, right? So much anxiety, right? Because at least in my mind it was well, Oh no, she might yell at me or I don't think your advisor's really well.
Mine didn't anyways. I think, you know, Oprah calls it the disease to please. I didn't want to disappoint her. And at the same time, um, I think me standing in my truth was much more important. So there was a sense of relief, right? That I don't have to carry on the burden of publication. I can move on to sort of post stock in this next area of my life and [00:16:00] a quick side tangent.
So I do a lot of writing and I used to write poetry actually in high school, but going into the schooling system, I lost sight of that. And. It was almost like moving from an academic writer to a free writer again. And the process was really interesting because, um, academic writing is not for me. I did well in it, but it just didn't really come.
It wasn't as fun. Right. And I wanted to sort of step away from that, that model that. We were, or that template we were talking about. And so I would just get paper out and just sort of doodle right. And over time, that really helped me just to express myself more. Mm
Melvin: yeah, absolutely. I think, uh, yeah, I mean, just so well said, I, I think there's such this interesting thing.
I mean, not like in life and, and definitely in business where. I mean, I I've definitely felt this. And I know that [00:17:00] I imagine that you have as well, which is you start out and then you. Start trying to emulate things, people situations, because it, because there's that sort of like time, or you're trying to find, figure out yourself, but eventually I think many of us get to that point where we realize like, Hey, this is what resonates for me, you know?
And this is the path that I want. So I wanted to ask you because like, this is something I've often struggled with, which is when you start to go on your own path. There can be pushback, right. And even pushback can sometimes come from people. We respect, whether it's family, friends, colleagues. Right. How do you in general, like, handle that?
Supriya: Great question. So one of the most important things I think is to really take yourself out of the equation when it comes to someone else. Right? So it's [00:18:00] kind of tying the comparison factor as well as like someone else's path and people are always going to have opinions, right. And there are different models of business.
I was actually having a conversation with. My old boss who happens to be the same generation as my dad, and both were private practice individuals. And their model was so different than what could be today. Meaning they were typically the breadwinners. They had that nine to five or nine to six model. And that's what you did every day.
And then we see someone like you, right? Where. Um, more people nowadays are juggling multiple hats. So really just taking yourself out of the equation, recognizing someone is telling you something from their viewpoint, right? Can you honor their perspective without taking it personally? Number one, and with the comparison factor, right?
If someone else is successful, [00:19:00] Or their achievement they're achieving something. Can you celebrate their success that has literally nothing to do with you and vice versa. Right? So of course we have people who help. Our helping hands and we help build each other up. But at the end of the day, when you're mentioning that path, right, that you break away, that's uniquely yours and your only responsibility.
Oh. And in that it's a bit scary, but it's so much more empowering.
Melvin: Yeah. No, I think, uh, I was just gonna like connect with you on that because I dunno for me, I think one of the like recent, I think life realizations was. That, you know, I don't want to like look at my life like later and say that I didn't do something because someone told me not to do it or that I would regret doing it because I was just, she was scared.
Like, [00:20:00] it's almost like I would rather try something and fail. And just being able to sit with that as opposed to just not having done it at all. Oh, absolutely.
Supriya: Right. So you have at the end of the day, right? I mean, at the end of the day, who do we wake up with ourself at the end of the day? Who do we go to sleep with ourself for the rest of her days?
So, you know, you're speaking to something that's super important, which is all of your choices, all of your dreams, they're yours, and they're all
Melvin: beautiful. Yeah, absolutely. I wanted to kind of wrap up with, well, maybe like a scenario. I imagine you have seen this. I know that I have struggled with this, which is, you know, let's say you log on to some.
Insert favorite social media channel. Right. And someone is, and maybe a colleague is posting something that they've accomplished. Right. Whether [00:21:00] it's like, you know, maybe an even, maybe it's like something that you want to do. Right. So let's, maybe it's like a launch a course or write a book or transition from a solo to a group practice or whatever it is.
Right. I know for me, there is this thing and I, and you said it really well. And I maybe I just wanted to sort of like go a little deeper with it, but. There's a moment for me and I really have to check myself, right? Like, you know, if, for example, you know, someone that I really respect, you know, has a podcast and there's this growing at a faster rate than mine.
Right. And there's a moment for me. I'm like, I really have to check myself because there's a thought that comes and it's like, Mel, why, what are you doing wrong? Right. And I really have to check myself on that because it's what you said, like what I'm trying to learn. And it really does not come naturally to me.
Cause I think like family of origin, all of that kind of stuff. [00:22:00] Uh, where I can just celebrate, like, man, that's so awesome. They're doing that. How do you navigate that? Like in a situation like that.
Supriya: Yeah. And one of those is exactly what you had just said. Right? You check yourself, right. You're taking yourself out of that equation.
And another one that I would say is we're not privy to people's, um, editing rooms, right? We're not privy to their process. I think you give a really different perspective in, in a public platform, right? You are very open and you share that blood, sweat, and tears, but in many cases we're not privy to people's blood, sweat, and tears.
So we don't know exactly what went into what they're doing, but again, when we take ourselves out of that equation, we recognize that we're also still valuable, right. We're worthy. What we do is meaningful and. [00:23:00] The point behind all of that is if that other person, for instance, is on a podcast hosting, they're serving.
And when you serve, um, in my personal belief system, the point is that you're serving, right? So you're giving and the service is the most important thing. And Earl Nightingale, he, um, had, this is like, I don't know, 1950s or something. He had this, you could YouTube it. It's a talk about the strangest secret, and this has a little bit of a monetary component, but he says that.
You know, so many of us, I think we focus on money, right? And, and, you know, getting to be financially independent and providing for our families. But he says the secret to money is actually service because your service leads to success. And then your success inherently will you'll gain money after you're successful, not before.
And again, when we take ourselves out of the equation, we're [00:24:00] recognizing that they're doing their thing. Right. Can we celebrate them in the play? And if you can't. Right. So you're speaking to the other side of all know if those automatic thoughts, if that sort of like feeling glum about yourself is coming up, then maybe you don't congratulate, right?
Maybe you sort of step back and you gather your own thoughts. You gather your energy and perhaps at a later time, you come back and congratulate. Deepak Chopra. He says, he talks about like the, the law, the spiritual law of giving and receiving. And he says, when you give, right. So if someone is doing something wonderful and you're recognizing it, you are calling attention to it.
You're also receiving that too. Right? You're on a certain frequency where you're giving exactly because. Just even the fact that you're noticing success around you means that that abundance is in a way aligned [00:25:00] with you. And that alone could sort of be a check for yourself because I'm recognizing success.
That means I'm in this arena
Melvin: too. Well, that's such a different and so much more empowering way to look at things, you know, uh, to see it as like something that, yeah. That you're in the arena with them, that that is a potential for you, right. As opposed to something that, that you can never, that you can only aspire to and never achieve.
Absolutely.
Supriya: And you know, Melvin, one thing about, so it's interesting, here's a real life in process, right? You and me thing. So there've been plenty of times when I listened to your podcast. Right. And the thought comes up, should I do a podcast? Like. Oh, would I talk about, and so far, all of the times that the thought has come up, it's been known, right.
Because that's not my thing right now, but [00:26:00] you can still learn from you. And I can't tell you how many things I've learned. Right. So. If someone is doing what you want to do, right? Maybe there's some part of their system that can make your system just a little bit easier and you don't have to reinvent the wheel.
Right. You could say, thank you. And right. Like be well. And I heard a reframe recently, which I really loved, which is, you know, could that competition actually shift into partnership?
Melvin: Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And, and, and I guess sort of the, the other point of that is if, when that sense, if you see something right, that someone else is doing and you dismiss it so quickly, those partnerships opportunities, none of those things ever even have the chance to come to fruition.
Right. Exactly. Supriya I am so grateful for you. I can't believe our time flew, but I'm grateful for this conversation. I know this [00:27:00] again is something that so many colleagues struggle with. Um, I wanted to ask you like one final thing and then any like practical things, like. Books videos, stuff like that, that you've, that has really helped you navigate this.
Supriya: Yeah, absolutely. So, um, I love Renee Brown, Dr. Bernay Brown. So one of her books, they're all fantastic. But, uh, with the not good enough in particular. She has a book called long title. I thought it was me, but it's not moving from what will people think I'm enough?
Melvin: Yeah, that was impressive.
Supriya: I think that's right or close to it.
The second one I would say is the four agreements by Dr. Don Miguel Ruiz. Um, his concepts, he is more spiritually focused, but so beautifully Phil fit into psychotherapy. And what we do, he talks about my assuming [00:28:00] things about others is detrimental. Why taking things personally is detrimental. Um, why it's so important to challenge our belief systems and why it's important to honor our own lane.
And then finally, I would say honestly, meditation. So meditation has really helped me clear the clutter of. You know, mind, just the jargon that goes on. And it's also been my number one tool to spark creativity, to be
Melvin: honest. Yeah. That's awesome. Uh, I'm a big fan of mindfulness and meditation as well. I was like, I dunno.
I mean, it's like a whole other conversation, but I think that particular thing, I just feel like that's such a. Vital like skill to learn, especially as a business owner, because just because of the volatility of business ownership, you know? Absolutely. Supriya where can we learn more about you and the good work that you're doing in the
Supriya: world?
Melvin? Uh, so Dr. supria.com, [00:29:00] which is D R S U P R I Y a.com.
Melvin: Perfect. We'll put that in our show notes as we I'm really grateful for you and yeah. And really looking forward to staying in touch. I think
Supriya: so often. Absolutely. Me too. Have a great rest of your day. You too.
Melvin: Hi there. Hi, have you enjoyed my conversation with Supriya and especially if this is something that you have struggled with, which is comparing yourself to fellow colleagues in a way that.
Seems to more hurt you than help you. I hope that today's podcast session has just really been helpful for you. I was reflecting on this conversation with Sabrina and several things definitely resonated for me. And I think one of those things, especially that's resonated is when even seeing if something kind of pops up, right?
Like for example, on social media or we hear [00:30:00] from a colleague about something awesome that they're doing. Taking that moment, taking that opportunity as an opportunity to step back and say, wow, you know, like just to almost examine it, right, like a scientist and saying, wow, this is a really neat opportunity that I have.
And I notice that this is, you know, pinging a little bit inside for me and yeah. Just seeing it more like, Oh, is this more of like a potential excitement kind of pinging like, Oh, this is actually something that I would want to do and wanting to potentially do in the future and what Ben Supriya said of turning that, that insecurity into an opportunity for collaboration.
I just think that's sort of like framework. Changes things on just so many levels, you know, just for the sake of even less full transparency. When I first launched my Healthcasters podcasting course in [00:31:00] 2015, I have learned a lot of podcasting from John Lee Dumas and Kate Ericson from entrepreneur on fire eofire.com.
And, uh, I remember. Being so realizing that, you know, a lot of our colleagues were coming to me for consults on how to launch a successful podcast and being really scared of and realizing that, you know, there was a potential course there and, you know, uh, An opportunity to create a course specifically for helpers and healers that wanted a podcast and building a community around that as well.
And I remember just being stifled that for by that for several months. And finally, in a moment of courage, I reached out to John. I mean, John is like big in the entrepreneurial space, like little me, right? And I asked John, I was like, Hey, this is what's going on. You know, my colleagues are reaching out for a consult.
I, you know, wanted to know if it would be okay if I kind of launched my own [00:32:00] course on podcasting, just taking the lessons that I've learned. And I think in my mind, I was just more terrified and I was expecting him to be like, no, I have a podcasting course. Therefore you cannot want a podcasting course.
But he was so gracious and understanding. He was like, Hey, listen, you know, basically you have, you have, uh, people to serve and go ahead and do it. And I don't know for me, just even like, see, you know, that, that conversation, him saying that was just so affirming. And I've definitely reached out to like Kate in the following years.
And just even ask, you know, a couple of things. As I built out things and ask question that it's just been so helpful. So I think that's sort of a practical example of, um, for me, I think the big takeaway from that, that little story is think about even in your own life, in your own business, some of the things that you want to do.
That you [00:33:00] notice are kind of pinging for you and seeing if you can take some of those opportunities as an opportunity for collaboration, maybe it means as soon as this episode is over that you send a quick email or. Send a quick, you know, audio recording to somebody that you've been wanting to connect with for a long time.
Maybe it means scheduling a console that somebody that's doing something that you want to do. Um, whatever that is, you know, I hope that today's session just gives you that extra drive and motivation show notes to today's episode can be found over@sellingthecouch.com for slash session and the number two seven.
Nine as we wrap up again, just wanted to take a moment to thank the team over a headway for supporting today's podcast session. I'll definitely tell you guys more about headway in the coming weeks, but one of the really cool things I mentioned at the beginning, you know, there's this tension [00:34:00] between what the general public experiences and what clinicians experience.
And I alluded to the, one of the issues that a lot of clinicians. Don't the reason that a lot of clinicians don't want to deal with insurance companies is because of just the crazy amount of paperwork that's involved. And then you make like a single mistake and then it gets rejected. And now you're trying to track, you know, a session that you add.
Several weeks or even several months ago and trying to get payment for it. And I know that many of us are like, I'm piecing out on that. I'm not doing that. And how do we actually make this way easier? Because they have a team that manages this for you and takes care of this for you. So literally all you have to do is submit the short sheet, uh, with the clients.
Like relevant information, the CPT code and those things and head, we takes care of making sure that you're getting reimbursed. In fact, I was [00:35:00] talking with the team over at headway and one of the things they said is literally for a, what, you know, just looking at their data. If you have a typical caseload of 20 patients, You can literally submit paperwork in about 10 minutes, practically.
What that means is imagine the countless hours, you may be submitting paperwork. What this practically means is that you can focus on things that I'm a big believer in, which is self care, because. Our work is so important. And if we don't take care of ourselves, right, we're prone to burnout and all of those different things, you can learn more about headway on the awesome stuff they're doing in the world over@sellingthecouch.com forward slash headway.
Have a great rest of your week. And I look forward to connecting with you soon. Bye. Thanks for listening to the selling the couch podcast for more great content and to stay up to date, visit www dot, selling the couch. [00:36:00] .