This episode of CZ the A is brought to you by Mitsubishi.
You know, you can be eating all the kale salads and drinking all the green smoothies, but if you've got a really loud inner critic, or what I call you, in a Mean Girl, you need to work on your mindset as well. And I really encourage everyone in all of my books in my podcast to delete the word perfect and perfection from your vocabulary because it just is ammo for your in a Mean Girl to compare you to everybody else.
Welcome to the Sees the YA Podcast. Busy and happy are not the same thing. We too rarely question what makes the heart seeing. We work, then we rest, but rarely we play and often don't realize there's more than one way. So this is a platform to hear and explore the stories of those who found lives. They adore the good, bad and ugly. The best and worst day will bear all the facets of seizing your yay. I'm Sarah Davidson or a spoonful of Sarah, a lawyer turned funtraper.
I know who swapped the suits and heels to co found matcha Maiden and matcha Milk Bar. Cca is a series of conversations on finding a life you love and exploring the self doubt, challenge, joy and fulfillment along the way. Hello, lovely yighborhood. I hope you're having a wonderful week and that you enjoyed our first co hosted EA's of our Lives episode, bringing some friendly banter tier ears so it's not just me waxing lyrical alone every week. I'm very glad to hear that many of you seem to love
Abby and Jemma just as much as I do. We had so much fun. Please do let me know if you have any other thoughts or feelings about our new segment, as I really wanted to keep developing as a Yiahborhood production, so if you did like the fast pace of a co hosted episode, I can definitely keep doing that. Just flick me a message anytime and I'll make sure I'm
always taking your feedback on board. For our regular segment, I'm thrilled to be joined by my dear friend Melissa Amber to celebrate the launch of her fourth and very much needed book, Comparisonitis. This week. In a time where the minute details of everyone else's lives are more visible, than ever, which we've spoken about many times on this podcast.
Comparisonitis is a must have guide to arming yourself against the dangers of continual social comparison and self doubt, which you all know I have suffered from many times and continue too often, and I'm sure many of you can
identify with that as well. Melissa is one of the absolute og leaders in self development and well being, growing from a blogspot newbie over a decade ago to now multiple best selling author, podcaster with over sixteen million downloads, ted X speaker and very very soon to be new Mamma.
It's quite lovely now that enough time has passed since my move out of corporate law to have been able to experience multiple chapters and stages in the lives of people I've been lucky enough to connect with since the early days, and I actually interviewed Melissa for her very first book before either of us had podcasts. It was just hosted on YouTube randomly, just as mel was at
my very first speaking gig. Ever, Meil has taught me so much over the years, particularly around self awareness, boundaries, and continual growth, and she shares so many of those lessons today. We chat about everything from her fascinating earlier days as a dancer at the Moulin Rouge in Paris, to the weirdest health hacks we've tried getting pregnant and trusting the process. I hope you guys enjoy Mel. Welcome to the show.
Yay, babe. I'm so excited to be here with you. What an honor.
Oh, it's my honor to have you and to have your wonderful neighborly leaf blower who's providing some beautiful ambiance broud chat in the background.
I'm so sorry, don't be silly.
I feel like the last year of working and podcasting from home, it's just been a symphony of home uncontrollable domestic set.
I know, I just never know when they're going to do the leaf blowing, and it's just so unpredictable. But it's all good. That's life.
Hey, I'm actually really surprised at how many people blow their leaves so regularly.
I know, right.
Well before we kick off, as you know, I start by asking each guest what the most down to earth thing is about them to break the ice. And you're known for being very open about the behind the scenes of your life and Korea, but for anyone who hasn't read your books, or who might have seen you at a sparkly speaking gig or a book launch, you know, it could be easy to forget that things aren't always
as glossy as they seem on the surface. So what would you say, is something really relatable about you?
I mean, the first thing that just came to mind is I am currently pregnant, and no one told me the amount of times you have to get up to pee in the middle of the night, Like, no one told me this. And also I'm wearing a belly band right now that is for secral iliac lower back pain. It's very sexy, Like Nick is like, wow, that's beautiful, that's really hot, really into it, really into the belly band.
I feel like that's pregnancy though, right like your boobs grow. We're both like itty bitty titty humidity members and we've bondered over that in the past. I just saw your boobs and I was like, what is happening? But you get the glorious boobs and then all the rest of your body's just doing all the weird things. It's like, this is mean, Just give me only the boobs.
It's so wild. The body is amazing though, like truly magical. It's just such a miracle, and watching it transform has been so beautiful.
I can't even imagine how exciting.
Yeah, it's very exciting.
I also love how the very first page in the intro of Comparis, your brand new book, starts with I was sitting on the toilet. It's like, oh, well, you know, if you've got to ever break down the barriers, that's the way to do it, exactly exactly, So the first section is your way to ya. And because you're such a prolific writer and podcaster and speaker, people can find
this story in many other places. And I want to concentrate mostly on your brand new book today, but I do think it's important to give the neighborhood a little bit of context for how you ended up here in
case some of them don't know you. So give us the crash course, take us back to young mel and, you know, talk us through what you were like as a kid, and then your time at Mulon Rouge, your health, crash, and the many other stepping stones that it's taken you to get here today that don't get as much airtime as the highlights.
Okay, yeah, because we could be here for a days just sharing this story. But I'll give you. I'll give you the nutshell version. So I like you started dancing really young. I think I was three when Mum put me into dance class, and I loved it so much, like I loved performing. I was that kid that would
get the neighbors together. And we had a roller garage door where I lived, and I would like put on shows for my whole neighborhood, and I'd set all the neighbors outside and then we would be inside, and then the show would start with like the garage door going up.
Oh my gosh, stop.
Grand entrance, the grand and we'd be like in pose, like in position. That was such a beautiful part of my childhood. We did that a lot, made my poor neighbors and parents and aunts and uncles sit through these torturous concerts in my garage. And then later on in life, I started doing acting and singing and TV presenting, and I did a little bit of modeling and was working
professionally from the age of like fifteen. So whilst I was in high school, I was booking these big acting jobs and TV jobs and dancing gigs and I absolutely loved it, loved it so much. And then after school I applied for a Bachelor of Business and got in majoring in marketing. And there was something inside me that was like, this isn't for you, this isn't for you. Like go and go and follow your dream of being
a performer. So I went and studied performing arts for a year and acting, and then went to the Mulan Rouge in Paris and lived in Paris and danced there for a year, which I just loved, and then moved to London for two years and I worked there as a dancer and actress and TV presenter and absolutely loved it. Had a ball. I was living the dream, traveling the world,
making great money partying. You get treated like a celebrity over there because you're a big dancer or whatever, and you get invited to all these clubs and these openings and living the dream. And then my v expired and I had to move back to Australia and I was absolutely devastated, like I really didn't want to go. I felt it was really premature. I wasn't ready to leave.
And as you know, as an entertainer, the industry in Australia is just not as big as London or New York or LA And so I knew that I was kind of closing the door on that chapter of my life. So I came back. I was very depressed. I had to leave a boy that I was seeing back in England. He kind of broke up with me. I was like, let's do long distance, it'll be easy.
Ali was so close.
Yeah, He's like no, no, And I was like devastated. And so I didn't have a job. I was starting from scratch. I was sleeping on a friend's single fold out hospital bed in her lounde room. So it was so classy. I had no job, no friends, no boyfriend. I was doing nannying, just like cash nannying jobs and admin just to make a couple of hundred dollars a week, like two hundred dollars a week, just so I could buy some food and put petrol in my car and things like that. And it was a really dark time
in my life. I was spiraling into depression. I started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks and had an eating disorder and it was just like a snowball effect of toxic, unhealthy, very very unhealthy behaviors and habits, and I started partying a lot just to numb the pain, and it ended up taking me hitting rock bottom for me to kind of change course and to reevaluate my life. And I ended up in hospital with a whole host of physical
health is shoes and also mental health issues. And it was there in hospital that I had a huge realization that I was responsible for getting myself there, and I was the only person that could get myself out. And a little voice inside me said, which I didn't know at the time was my intuition because I didn't I wouldn't have known what my intuition was back then, but at the time said to me, get healthy and happy again,
and you'll live a life beyond your wildest dreams. And I was like, I don't know how to get healthy and happy, but I just made a commitment to myself to do it. I was like, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get healthy and happy. Don't know how to do it, I'm just going to do it, though, I'm just going to put one foot in front of the other. And I made that my mission. Also when I was in hospital, I had some new friends that I just recently met at this thing called yoga. I'd
never tried it before, and so woo woo. I'd recently met these friends, like maybe a month before i'd hit rock bottom, and they sent me a care package and in that care package they sent this to the hospital. And in that care package was a book that changed my life, and that was Louise Hayes, You Can Heal Your Life. And I remember reading this book and turning
to my mom and saying, why haven't you told me this? Like, why haven't you told me that we create our own reality and that everything that we've manifested in our life is our manifestation. And I was just so gobsmacked. And my mum, you know, turned to him and said, oh, darling, you know, we're doing the best that we could. And absolutely they were. And ah, but I was like all these light bulbs were just going off in my mind. Oh my goodness, Like I'm responsible for getting myself here.
I've created this, like and some people see that as an opportunity to spiral darker into the darkness, where I saw it as inspiration and I thought, wow, okay, I created this. How funny? Let me create something better? And so I went on a mission to get happy and healthy again. That was like my motto, happy and healthy. Happy and healthy had no idea where to really start, but I just kept putting one foot in front of
the other. And when I got out of hospital, I knew that the lowest hanging fruit for me was to sort out my health first, because if you don't have your health, you can't do the things that you want
to do in the world. So I went on and studied holistic nutrition and got healthy, and then realized that you know, you can be eating all the kale salads and drinking all the green smoothies, but if you've got a really loud inn a critic or what I call you're in a mean girl telling you that you're not good enough and you're not smart enough, and who do you think you are, then there's no point in like even bothering to nourish yourself. You need to work on
your mindset as well. And so I studied meditation teacher training, I did my life coaching certificate, I did my yoga teacher training, I studied acu energetics, which is energy healing work, and I literally dove headfirst into all things personal development. And spirituality became obsessed. I went every seminar, every workshop, read every book, and because I started to feel happy and healthy for the first time in my life. And I'd grown up with so many health issues, like I
was that kid, I was the kid with exzema. I was the kid that was always on antibiotics. So for me to feel happy and healthy for the first time in my life was such a huge thing. And so I kept on just following that. I kept on walking toward the things that made me feel good and walking away from the things that didn't. And that's how I kind of got to where I am today. I then started this thing called a blog in twenty ten, which
is like so vintage, so ed well. I was blogging five days a week when I first started Wow, And I was blogging about my battles with my body, and my battles with my eating disorder, and my battles with my inner mean girl, and all these things that I was learning and discovering along my journey. And people would stop me in the street and say, I thought I was the only one. Like I thought I was the only one that struggled with this, or dealt with anxiety
or whatever. It is. And then I began getting asked to speak as like a motivational speaker, and I was like, I don't even know, Like what is that?
I was like, explain to me.
Yeah. I was like, all right, I'll do it. And my first gig was like for a big lulu lemon thing. I did that and was just like, Okay, I'm just going to wing it, like I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm just going to show up and do it, And started running my own live events and workshops and group the Goddess groups. Yes, I did them weekly for two years. And then I went and wrote my first ebook and created online courses, and then wrote my first book, Mastering Your Mean Girl, and started my
podcast and here I am today. You know, that's been the last like eleven years.
What a journey. And I love reminding our listeners that your great successes now have been eleven or more years in the making, or even your whole lifetime, and just looking at the time since we've known each other before your book came out, you know, your first book, so much has changed for both of us that we never could have predicted. And I can just never emphasize enough the importance of patience and openness as you wait for all the dots to connect, which often they don't until
quite a while down the track. So our quote for yeas of our lives this week was the day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit. And I'm sure there've been many times where you just wanted all your seeds to bloom all at once, but that would have deprived you of what you learned from each experience. And with your dancing career, for example, even though you've since grown out of that chapter, at the time,
it probably was your passion and joy. And at that age, maybe you wouldn't have been ready to become a podcaster or to be a best selling author launching her fourth book. Maybe you wouldn't have had anything to talk about in those books. So I always need to be reminded that you can't just rush to the end and all the baby steps accumulate into what gets you ready for what
comes next. So maybe take us back to that very beginning, you know, as you came out of your health revelations, to how you took those first steps pushing through the fear of being in a new industry. Going back to being a beginner and learning new skills and just trusting that it would work out.
And that's really important. I think one of the biggest motivators that kept me going was the feedback I was getting from people, and that was, Oh, my goodness. I thought I was the only one. I thought I was the only one that dealt with food issues or body image or whatever. And there definitely was times at the start where my inner mean girl would say, yeah, but you're not fully healed. But you're not you know, thriving
with your health. You know you've still got this issue or this issue, and you know, who do you think you are to speak about this? So that definitely did come up. And then I took myself through and I created this mastering Amingo process which I did my TED talk on which you heard and I talk about in my book. But then I started doing that process and I kept on coming back to but I'm not proclaiming
to be perfect. There's no such thing. And I really encourage everyone in all of my books and my podcast and programs and live events to delete the word perfect and perfection from your vocabulary because it just is ammo for your in a mean girl to compare you to everybody else, and so I've deleted those words from my vocabulary. And for me, it's like, I'm not trying to be perfect.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. All I'm doing is sharing my story, sharing my journey, sharing what's worked for me for health, what's worked for me and my career, what's worked for me and my relationships, what's worked for me in all the different areas of my life. And that's all we can really do. When you speak from personal experience, that actually, like Brene Brown says, you know, vulnerability makes
people lean in. And when you share from your heart and you just share your story and where you're at and what's worked for you, that actually engages people and it makes people lean in. As opposed to repeating some story that you've heard somewhere else or so and so did this. It's like, well, what's worked for you, Like, I want to know what's worked for you and maybe
I could try it and see if it resonates for me. So, wherever you're at, just share from your own perspective, share from your own experience, because that's what's going to connect you.
I think that's something you've done really well. Weaving in the anecdotal with your messages and sharing vulnerable and bumpier chapters just as you're coming through them in the hope that your experience might be someone else's survival guide. And one of the bumpiest parts early on in anyone's journey is it can be really disheartening when you set big
goals but then feel so far away from them. There's such a fine line between striving for more to motivate yourself on one hand, and then slipping into perpetual dissatisfaction with what you haven't yet achieved on the other. So talk to us about how you've just embraced the stage that you're in while still aiming high. I remember when
you did your Goddess groups. You did those for two years and that was the perfect delivery of your message in smaller intimate groups in person, but then suddenly it wasn't, And so you evolved into the next part with the podcast and Ted talks and who knows what's going to come next. So what advice do you have for people who are in a chapter that they don't necessarily want to be in but they're not sure what comes next, And without detracting from where they are so that they do enjoy the ride.
Yeah, it's such a good point. It's a really good point. And we have to trust the process because everything is always unfolding exactly the way that it's supposed to. And there's things now that I want to do in five years or ten years, but I've got them on my vision boards, so to speak, and then I let them go.
I'm not holding onto them with white knuckle grip and getting stressed out about it not happening right now because I know the phase that I'm in in my life right now, and I allow that to be and I try not to change it. And I had a mentor once say to me probably he said, are you going to retire? And I was like, I don't think so. I think I'll always write books and I don't know. I just think that I'll always share my message. And
he goes, okay, cool. And you want to live till like you're one hundred And I'm like yeah, and he's like.
Okay, cool.
So You've got a long time to work and to create and to write more best selling books and to interview Oprah and Tony Robbins and to speak on stage with Tony Robbins and Oprah and to be interviewed by them, like, You've got a long time to do all of those things. Why do you need to do it all? This was a couple of years ago. He said, why do you need to do it all this year? And it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I thought, why
am I rushing? Like why am I racing to fit everything in and to do everything that I want to do and create in my life this year? Like, once I realize that I've got the rest of my life to do all of these amazing things that I want to do, I don't have to do them today and I can just trust the process. Reminding myself that everything is always unfolding exactly the way it's supposed to. Are
mantras of mine that I use all the time. And I'm at a different phase now in my life than I was a couple of years ago, even two years ago, when I was, you know, rehearsing my Ted talk and doing all that. I'm in a completely different phase. I'm about to have my first child and launching my fourth book,
comparison Itis. Like it's just such a different phase. And there's people out there that are doing amazing things, and they're hitting the New York Times bestseller list again and again and again, and you know, being interviewed by Oprah and doing all of these things, and they're in that phase of their life and I'm in this phase. And we can't compare, which we'll talk about later. We can't
compare anyone else's journey to where we're at. We just need to stay in our own lane and trust the process and know that everything's always unfolding exactly the way it's supposed to do for us.
Absolutely, and definitely want to get into the juicy comparison itis because I think it is just, I mean, such perfect timing for the book as your gift to the world, because we all need it so desperately right now. But just before that, I think something that you said about the fact that if you are going to live a long and healthy life and you're not necessarily going to retire, that we do have a lot of time to achieve
a lot of different things. And something that I've watched as a friend over the last I don't know, two to five years is also you giving yourself permission along the same note of changing chapters, and you know the how changing even if the wise stays the same, is also permission for you to change your mind, and that your purpose at one stage of your life is going to be different to your purpose at another stage of your life. In health, in relationships, in structure, in even
where you live. You had a Sydney chapter where you needed to be in and around the buzz. Now you're having anost chapter because you can afford to be, you know, giving yourself the space physically and living in an environment that's slower and healthier. You know, all those changes. You're
allowed to change your mind about what you think. And I know you and Nick have been through quite a few things where you would openly experiment with new ways of treating your body and new modalities and have since said,
actually I thought it worked, Maybe it didn't work. So talk to us about not being too scared to change your mind on something when you do enter a new phase and you think, actually that's not really might have worked for me once, but it doesn't now because that when you live so publicly and you do share so vulnerably about each chapter, it's hard then to share the change as well with everyone and bring them along for the ride.
Yes, something that I teach a lot and talk about a lot is it's okay to change your mind, and it's even okay to change your mind within the same hour if you want to. Like, there's no rules, and I think if you are, you know, I'm so dedicated and love personal development and growth, and so does Nick and a lot of our friends as well. We all love it. We all want to keep evolving and growing,
which is why we're here on earth. And there's been yes, so many different things that I'm like, I changed my mind on that, and I might change it again and again and again. And how cool is that? Because if I stayed the same, how boring would that be? Like, you know, and I know people who have stayed the same. I know people they're still beating that same drum and they have been for twenty thirty, forty, fifty, sixty years whatever,
and that's their truth and that's okay. But like for me, I'm like, I love color in my life and I love experimenting with different things, and you know, I want to encourage everyone that if you do change your mind about something, it's okay. You're allowed. You are allowed. You're not in school, like and you're not going to get sent to the principal's office if you do change your mind. You're allowed to change your mind, you know, about anything
and everything. If you don't want to have kids, and then all of a sudden you do, like that's okay. If you want to eat this way and then you want to change it to this way. Great, if you believe in hardcore fitness and then all of a sudden you just want to do yin yoga, like awesome, that's awesome, and I'm so happy for you. But just know that you're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to say and speak openly about it if you want to, and you also don't have to you know, you don't have
to tell anyone that you've changed your mind. But I think for me, it shows growth and it shows evolution, and I want to share that with others as well, so that they feel like they can too change their
mind about anything. Like there was a time where I would say I don't believe in marriage and I don't want to have kids, Like there was a time where I believed that, like before I met my husband, Like I would say I don't think I'll get married, like I just don't think i'll get married and I don't think i'll have kids, And then I met my husband, I was like, let's get married and have babies right now. Yeah, And even though we didn't have babies straight away, we
did get married very quickly. So we got married like six months after we were together.
So that's just one of the many, many lessons that
I have learned from you. We said it's okay to, yeah, to absolutely have shifts as you evolve, And I think if you communicate why and how you've gone through that transition and bring people along on the ride with you that're totally okay with it and can definite appreciate that as you grow and learn new things, it's yeah, quite liberating to not have to stick to something so origidly just because you said it once in public and then you feel terrible that you've changed your mind about it.
But I also think that one of the things that makes it very difficult to do that is the dreaded comparisonitis, because we are influenced by so many different things around us, and it can be hard to speak about the things that you feel and you believe if they don't necessarily align with what everyone else is doing and whatever else believes. So tell us about your latest book, Comparisonitis. Why you
thought it was so important to write it now. I love how it's structured treating comparisonitis like the illness that it actually can be. You know, it's a problem. There's a prescription, there's antidotes and remedies, which, in your signature creativity is the most wonderful way to repitch something in a way that helps you actually combat it. So talk
us through, so where the idea came from. I know that you actually started a totally different book, wrote eighty thousand words, and then decided to scribe it and start a new once. So, yeah, introduce us to this beautiful new book of yours.
Yes, So it's called comparison Ititis, How to stop comparing yourself to others and be genuinely happy. And I love this book so much, and I'm so excited that it's out there, and it's so timely because I feel like, now more than ever, we are suffering from comparison ititis and we need to do something about it. You know, social media is one of the biggest areas where we compare.
It's not going anywhere. We need to look at it so that we can help ourselves and then also help our younger generations and the generations that are growing up with phones as soon as they come out of the womb pretty much in their hand, which is just wild. There's a couple of reasons why I wrote this book. One of them was the story you shared before about I was sitting on the toilet one day scrolling little poop scrolling Instagram as you do. I mean, guilty, who
hasn't done that? This is something I do not recommend, but I you know, it's like one of those things that I was doing, and I talk about it in the book. I do not recommend doing this. Anyway, I'm sitting on the toilet scrolling Instagram, and I'm comparing myself very unhealthily to another person who has just hit the New York Times best Selling list for like the millionth time, and my inner mean girl is saying, why aren't your books hitting the list? You're not good enough. Your books
aren't good enough. Sure they're best sellers, but they're not New York Times bestsellers like compare, compare, Compare. And then anyway, I sat there and wasted probably twenty minutes of my life that I'll never get back again, comparing myself to this person. And then I came upstairs to my office and I opened my computer and went to my emails, and there was an email in there from a lady called Kathy. And Kathy said to me, Hi, Melissa, I you know, I just want to share how much your
work has inspired me. Your books, your podcast. I've been to some of your live events. You know, I do your meditations every day. You have changed my life. And it was such a beautiful email, and she proceeded to go on and tell me that I've inspired her so much to write her own book. And she was saying, you know, I would love some advice from you, Melissa. I dream of having best selling books like you, and please, can you give me any advice on where to start?
And I had this light bulb moment and I thought, literally, Kathy's writing me that email, comparing herself to me, and at that same time, I'm sitting on the toilet comparing myself to someone else. And I had this realization that we're all just comparing ourselves to other people, and that New York Times bestselling author was probably comparing herself to someone else as well, and it's this vicious cycle. You know, it's a vicious cycle and it's not healthy at all.
And I had this realization. I was like, I need to talk about this. Then I Another reason why I wanted to write this book was I a few years ago, I had a friend who took her own life. And you know, she was just so divine babe, like she was our age. She was so smart, so beautiful, had a great job, a great partner, had everything going for her, and compared herself so even to me, like I'm one of her friends, and she would say to me, I'm never going to find the love that you and Nick have.
Never She would say these things to me, and you know, it would break my heart. And I was like, yes you will, Yes you will, of course you will. No, I'll never I'll never have that. And this was before she was with her partner, and she was very heavily bullied in high school and she battled depression and anxiety for twenty years. And so you know, I was looking at the data and the rise of depress, the rise of anxiety, the rise of panic attacks, the rise of
suicide and suicidal thoughts. I thought, I have got to do something about this, like what can I do? And I looked into comparison and how that is affecting depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts, and that was another reason why I wanted to write this book. And like you said, Nick and I were writing another book together. We were writing a book and we had written eighty thousand words.
I had a contract signed with my publishers, wrote eighty thousand words, and then just said, this isn't the next book. This isn't my next book. And I emailed my publisher and I said I want to write this book. And I wrote a one page proposal and I said, this is the book I want to write next. It's called comparison Idis. This is what I want to write, and this is why. And she said, yep, let's do it. Absolutely, let's go for it. So we parked that other book
and I went to write this book. And I'm just so glad that it's out now. There's so many like you said, it's broken up into three parts, and there's so many tools and tips and tricks that really help people heal from this toxic comparison itis. It's really a book about radical self love. Because when you love yourself so much, you don't compare yourself to anybody else. And it's so needed right now with the way that the world is going and being at home a lot and
being on social media a lot. You know, I was thinking about during the writing process. I felt pregnant, and I thought, wow, I do not want my daughter to ever feel like she is less than anyone else. I don't ever want like I was imagining, imagining her comparing herself to other people and saying, well, she's prettier than me or and I just like it pulled on my heartstrings so much, like and anyone listening who has children, I'm sure you feel the same. Like you would not
want or even any small people in your life. You would not want them to compare themselves. You know, you just want to hold them and say, but you're so beautiful and amazing and you're a miracle. And the thing is is we are all miracles. There is one in four hundred trillion chances that you were born, and that
is magic and we need to remember that. And that book is really about remembering the magic of who you are, the miracle of who you are, because when you know that deep in your core, you will not compare yourself to anyone else.
Hey, Yahborhood, Just a quick word about our partner and Yea before we continue with today's episode. As you've probably seen, I've been zipping around town in a fabulous yamobile from Mitsubishi, the amazing new Eclipse Cross and I'm so grateful to the team for making our yeas of our live segment possible.
You all know I love working with partners who use their influence in business for good and not only are Mitsubishi enabling us to shine a lie on unsung heroes in the community, They've also just extended their own partnership
with Disaster Relief Australia. As part of this, they'll be providing twenty five suv and all terrain vehicles across Adelaide, Brisbane, Canberra, Melbourne, Sydney and Townsville, helping to fulfill Disaster Relief Australia's mission to provide rapid disaster response in the wake of natural disasters.
Throughout the devastating twenty nineteen and twenty twenty bush by A season, Mitsubishi helped Disaster Relief Australia deploy nearly six hundred volunteers across the country to support with clearing bush via Land and this support accounted to a community value of over two point two million dollars, which will only continue to grow this year. What a privilege it is to have a partner in Yea with such a big heart.
And keep an eye out for the Yamobile as we'll be heading out with Disaster Relief Australia to see more of what they do in the coming months. Now back to the show, and I think the most amazing thing about it is that you always dissect an issue like your mean girl or like comparison itis, in a way that makes us think about the way it operates on our lives. Like before you give it a name, you can't actually identify when you're doing it or what you're
doing it about. And you break down very very clearly, you know the difference between upwards comparison, downwards comparison, the different pain points we have it about because some of us are triggered by body comparisons, some it's career comparison. And you're mentioning falling pregnant while you are writing how much comparison about not being able to get pregnant comparison that there had been, And there's even a quiz in the book to help you identify practically where it's affecting you,
because in some areas, comparison isn't all bad. It's a healthy evolutionary mechanism to be inspired to do things differently. It means that we don't always stay in our own comfort zone, but it's and it tips over into obsessive and negative and self worth reflective. That that's where you need to start to build an immunity, as you mentioned
to it. And I don't want to reveal too much else because I think everyone should go and read the book, but just the way that it's structured alone makes you reflect so heavily on what's useful for you, what's not, and what your own habits are. And once you know your own habits, you can combat them. But until you know and identify what you're actually doing, it's impossible. So I just think it's come at such a perfect time.
The details of everyone else's lives have never been more visible, and we are the pressure on ourselves to be successful and to keep kicking goals is wonderful, but also I think has its downsides and can be quite toxic. So I'm so proud of you. I loved every word. I honestly don't know like I have written one and I don't think I have any words left. But somehow you still have incredible wisdom and insights on more and more topics and are about to go on or have just
gone on Matt leave. So maybe talk us through the motherhood side of things. As you just mentioned, you're having a beautiful baby girl. A lot of what you do now is aimed at the world that you want to bring a young woman into. You have had a bit of a bumpy ride, Like I don't think there is anything but a bumpy ride when it comes to conception and fertility and pregnancy. And we're already a stepmom to
Leo or little Monkey for many, many years now. So from a mum's perspective, how do you think comparison itis operates? And what have you been doing to kind of build your immunity in a new area of your life?
Oh my goodness, there's a whole chapter called CPR Conscious Parenting Remedies because honestly, like I surveyed my audience, and I surveyed, I did lots and lots of research on the main areas where people compare themselves and luck you me. Body image is a huge one, career is a huge one, relationships is a huge one, and parenting is a huge one. It's so important that we stay in our own lane when it comes to parenting and conception and pregnancy and
all of that. I definitely didn't when I was consciously conceiving. The eighteen months that my husband and I consciously were conceiving was some of the most challenging eighteen months of my life. You know, it was so hard. And when your heart is yearning to be a mama and everything else, you manifest in your life so well, and you you know, I couldn't manifest this. I couldn't control this, and control being the operative word here. I had to learn and
practice surrender and letting go of control. They were like my two biggest spiritual assignments during that time. There was nothing wrong like I do all the tests. There was nothing wrong with my body. There was nothing wrong with Nick's body, like nothing. It was just this spiritual assignment for us to practice surrender and letting go of control. And there was times where I compared myself what she's
pregnant again, like share it around. I'm like, like first time she first time they tried, like.
All those people who were like me, Oh it was an accident.
I didn't know and you're like, oh yeah, knife in my heart. Oh my gosh, like let me just pull the knife out of my heart. And so happy for them, truly, so happy. And it still triggered me to compare and and to spiral into the what's wrong with me? Why can't what's wrong with my body? Why can't I get pregnant? Like you know so much? And it was such a lesson. It was such a lesson for me. And it's soon as soon as I did surrender and let go of control fully, like it happened like that, you know, And
it was it was such a beautiful growth period. It's like growth on steroids. That's what I feel like that meeteen months was just on steroids. And I think we have to remember when it comes to conception and when it comes to pregnancy, when it comes to parenting and all areas of our life, like we have to stay in our own lane. And I talk about this a lot. We've got to put on our blinkers, stay in our own lane. And trust. Come back to what I was
saying before. Trust in the process of life, and remember that everything is always unfolding exactly the way it's supposed to. It was not meant to happen a month earlier, or two months earlier or three it wasn't. It just wasn't. And now I can see. But when you're in it,
you're like, why is this not happening? But I also remind myself that there'll be a time in the future where I'll look back and I will say, oh, that happened because that needed to happen, And then that happened, and of course it's perfect, you know, of course it's happened that way. When we're in it, we just have to remind ourselves to trust the process and let go of the control and just stay in our own lane.
Totally. Absolutely, that's such good advice because so often you do look back and it all makes sense, but you won't have that perspective in the moment. You just have to trust that it will come and you will absolutely find it on reflection later on. It's just definitely a trust in the universe exercise, but another we've kind of morphed into the n AATA and talked a lot about. Obviously, comparison itis is the biggest NATA for so many of us,
and that's intertwined with self doubt and imposter syndrome. But another thing that I think you have been a huge, huge role model for me for. And it's funny when I look back at my journey, there are clear people who represent certain big lessons without which I wouldn't have done anything that I've done or be any of the
person who I am. And one of the things I think I've told you this many many times is how amazingly you safeguard your time and your energy to make sure that you can write books and do the podcast and show up for your family and be a great wife and a great stepmom and now a great mother, and particularly with another child coming into your world, I imagine that only becomes more important. I think something women
generally struggle with so much is boundaries. We feel like our identity is wrapped up in delivering to everyone and doing having at all and having balance. And you really really taught me from early on that having strong boundaries is not an act of aggression. It's not even to you know, it's just respecting yourself and knowing where your limits are and how to make sure that you don't
burn out. And my big failing for the first couple of years in business was burning out over and over and being like, I left corporate to be a wellness person, and I'm less well than I was before. I've always looked up to the way that you've managed your calendar and blocked out time for certain things, for your physical, mental, emotional health, for boundaries with social media, for you know everything.
How do you do that? What are some of the biggest strategies that taught you how to even how to craft a gentle no that doesn't feel hard for you to put up that boundary, and even how to figure out how many days a week you need of downtime versus you know, how did you work all that.
Out trial and error? For sure?
Because I feel like I met you after all the trial and error and that you just figured it out.
Yes, yes, And people would people that would meet me now would think, oh, yeah, you have you always been like this? Like is this just how you you know, were born? You came out of the womb like.
This with a calender that's color coded.
Yeah, And like healthy boundaries and definitely not like, definitely not like. I come from a long lineage of people pleasers, and that was something I had to reprogram and it took burnout. It took me getting a dreamal fatigue and chronic fatigue to realize that I have to put myself first, Like I cannot give from an empty cup. I have to be overflowing with love and energy and vitality so that I can give to my friends and my husband
and my family. Otherwise what is the point. So I have experienced burnout like you, so I know that I don't want to experience that again necessarily. So that's that was the motivator as to why I have crafted a life that is purely self, love centered and soul driven. And that's exactly how I live my life, and everything I do in my life is a full body hell yeah. So every business decision it has to be a full body hell yeah. Every personal decision has to be a
full body hell yeah. And if it's not, it's a thank you so much for thinking of me, But I'm not going to be able to do this. And that is quote unquote challenging for a lot of people who, like myself, had been conditioned to people please. I grew up in a very Catholic Italian family, where it's like should was my middle name. You should do this, you should do that for your aunt, you should do that for your sibling, you should do that for your mother,
your grandmother, whatever. So should was my middle name. And I realized that it's not how I wanted to live my life. It didn't feel good and it was burning me out. And Nick is a big spander for me and this His family doesn't have shoulds, and when I know shults like and we've been together almost eight years, and I remember first meeting his family and just thinking, Wow, they place zero expectations on each other. There is no
shoulds whatsoever. And it was so inspiring for me to see and witness another way to be, And so I started to live that way too. And I talk about this in my second book, Open Wide, about practicing crystal clear communication. And this is how you express to people that you know, Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, for this speaking gig or for that invitation, but I just have to lovingly decline. And I know you're like me, babe, where you want to do all
the things like you want to do everything. And there was a time at the start of my career where I said yes to everything. Literally every opportunity that came my way, I said yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And I was at a different phase. I was single, I didn't have a steps on, I wasn't pregnant. I was building my career. That's what I was doing, and it was all amazing, but I did end up burning myself out. And so come back to your own personal boundaries and
get clear on what makes you feel really good. Overscheduling my calendar does not feel good for me. It just doesn't. And being pregnant, like even more so now one activity a day, like I can you know, I've got two activities today and I'm like, whoa, it's a bit too much. Oh my god, it's a bit too much. Where literally like if you had have looked at my calendar years ago, it was just back to back, back to back things
like no white space. And now when I look at my calendar, I feel so overwhelmed if there's not enough white space. And it's a different phase in my life. But I think you need to work out what feels good for you and inject self care and self love into your every day, not just on Friday nights when you have a bubble bath. Every day needs to have self care every day, even if it's just ten minutes.
That it doesn't have to be five hours. It doesn't have to be going to the spa, even if it's just ten minutes of laying on your bed closing your eyes and breathing deeply, or meditating, or having a cup of tea in the sun without your phone, whatever fills you up, Like, create a self love menu. I talk about that in mastering your Mean Girl. Create a self love menu and inject self love and self care every day.
Like people say to me, you get so much self care and self love into your every day, And I'm.
Like, I put it there if I told you.
Like, like all the things I did, Like my whole is about self care and self love, from what I eat, to what I do, to spending time and nature, to my little daily rituals to going to bed early, like it's all an act of self love. And I think if you are currently feeling very overwhelmed and maybe very stressed, that taking a look at your calendar and looking at what you are saying yes to, that you really don't want to, and just being really honest, and this isn't
about being rude to people. This is just about communicating. Like, now I'm on maternity leave and I have to like not look at my inbox because of all these opportunities that are coming to me. Can you be on this podcast? Can you do this speaking gig? Can you do this? And I'm just like I have to not look at it because I'm like there's a part of me that's like I want to do all the things, but then
there's also a part of me that's like boundaries. Melissa, Like you're about to give birth and you're on maternity leave, and now like I have to check like even doing this interview because I'm technically on maternityly I had to ask Nick. I said, can I do this interview with Sarah? And He's like, okay, that's the last one. Then that is it?
And I know, thank you so much my life. We had this scheduled for last week, which was Mel's last official day, and because I appreciate so much your boundaries, what they mean to you and how important they are, I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, can we please do But that's the thing that when people know you have strong boundaries and they understand why they respect them, then rather than constantly pushing you because they know that you're you know, your cave in the end, it's I think,
such a strong sign of respect for yourself but also means you can turn up as your best self every time you do something. You never turn up to a speaking gig thinking, oh, I'm not going to do a good job because I'm you know, exhausted, because like last week, I couldn't do this interview because I lost my boys, which was we are responsible by me because I had
not managed my calendar that week. It was International Women's Day and I got all on the female empowerment, got to say yes to every woman that asks me everything, And it's enjoyable in the moment, but then at the end you're like, who what am I sacrificing for that? And I think the white space trick in your calendar
is such a good one because you can visualize. But the other thing you mentioned as well is which leads to the last section very nicely Playta, is that you do things every day and it doesn't have to be big things. It can be small. The ten minute routines one minute routines. But something that's very hard when you're in an industry that is about self development and wellness and vitality is that things like meditation and exercise, they still are a bit of a box ticking exercise, there's
still something we do for an outcome. What other things you do that have no outcome, that are purely for play, that are unrelated to comparison it as self doubt, mentoring, tear podcasting. It's when you have a podcast, everything is work because you want to hear about new stories and you're always scouting. What are the things you do that disconnect you from productive? Melissa author, Melissa Mom, Melissa wife.
Melissa definitely dancing silly in the lounde room with Nick, And this is something we aim to do each day. And I love music and he's a musician, so we have music playing most of the day in the house and we will just do one song a day. That's our little ritual. We're like one song a day and we just dance so silly, like it just oh my god, it doesn't even matter what we look like. And he has some moves called the Spider. One of my favorite moves that he does is the Spider, and I'm like,
do the Spider. Do the Spider. It's the best. And I've said to him, I'm like, when I go into labor, can you just do the Spider? And he's like sure, Oh my gosh. So for me, it's like there's no outcome, it's just pure joy. It's so much fun to do that with him. And you know, there was a couple of years where we did ballroom dance lessons together, which was so fun. That's right, so fun. When we lived in Sydney, we did I think for about two years,
maybe even longer. We did weekly ballroom dance lessons and Nick has never danced before in his life and it was so beautiful. And I was talking about it with him the other day. I was like, I miss that. Like we got the professional shoes and everything, and we were like dancing with the stars, here we come, and and.
We took it so seriously.
We like did little competitions and things and we won, like we won the Waltz Best Waltz why, like.
So, why is that not in your Instagram?
But I got it totally. Champion Division Q exactly like Division Z, Oh my gosh. But it was just so much fun to do that we did that just purely for ourselves. I very rarely posted about it. I've only posted about it since we finished doing the lessons, But during it, no one knew. I never posted our weekly classes.
It was just for us, and it was something that we would be doing work all day and then like three o'clock would hit and we'd jump in the car we'd go to our hour lesson and we just had an hour to ourselves, and you know, it was so much fun. And I think finding something each day that you can do that just brings you so much joy. Maybe it's baking cookies like I don't know. Maybe it's doing silly voices and characters with your partner or your roommates or your kids. Like I think bringing play and
silliness into your every day is so important. We can get so serious in our day to day life, especially when you are running a business and you're an entrepreneur. I think, you know something that always says to me, He's like, I love You're like a big kid, you know, And I get that from my dad. My dad is a big kid, Like he's still such a kid, and he said, Nick always says, I love that you got that from him because you are You're a big kid.
You just are silly and playful, and I think we need to There's been times where I've forgotten that, and we need to remember that. So find those things that just bring you and inject a little bit of joy and yay and play into your everyday life and try and do it. Do it by yourself, or do it with your kids, do it with your partner or your roommate, whoever, but just inject that into your day.
People should see us when we first see each other when it hasn't you know, when it's been a while, we're all like, just like do these stupid day gosh.
And my voice goes up like fifteen octaves.
We don't turn into those people. When you see other women do it, you're just like, oh, shut up. But then when you see your own friends, you're.
Like, Ah, there's a funny meme going around. I don't know if you've seen it where these two kids they when they first see each other and they're just over excited and so cute and they're like The caption said, like tag a friend that you are like this with you and you see and I was like, I thought of you, so so excited, oh so excited.
All right, my love. To finish our second last question, what are three interesting things about you that don't normally come up in conversation. And for someone who shares as openly as you do, this will be very difficult, but try and think of things that maybe only Nick would know, like sleep habits, or like weird quirky things that you like to eat or don't like to eat, or weird party tricks, like what are some weird things about you?
The first one that just came to mind that you said sleep, and this is something that I do every night is I tape my mouth my lips closed every night. You do know I do. And this and I'll tell you why is because.
The spider thing.
No it's not as fire, No, it's okay. So I've done a lot of research in the effects of mouth breathing. So you don't want to breathe through your mouth. You want to breathe through your nose because your nose actually has all of these hairs in there to filter the air. So you don't want to be a mouth breather. You want to be a nose breather, and actually being a mouth breather can change the shape of your teeth and
your jaw and everything like that. So you want to be a nose breather, right And since I got pregnant, Nick said, I started breathing through my mouth at nighttime. And that's because stuff does happen with your nose, like it shifts and like you get quite congested. Donkey. Yeah, it's really weird. They don't tell you that when you get pregnant as well. So I tape my mouth every night.
I just put like a tiny bit of tape on my lips to keep my mouth closed, and sometimes I wear these nose those strips that open up.
You are so damn sexy right now. I won't even believe the bedtime.
It gets worse, it gets worse. I then have ear plugs in and an ie mask, and so Nick, I'm like, good night, babe. And then I go roll over and I put all my paraphernaliaer on, and.
It's just like, bye, honey, this is so intimate and sexy.
So hot right now. So that's like my sleep, my sleep routine.
That's amazing. I would just wake up with the tape off, because I'm like, I'm sure I would just yawn it open or something I sleep eat. You see, it's so weird to get up and go to the kitchen. Yeah, And the only reason I know is because and I can't imagine how many times it's happened where there isn't a packet or a skin or something to tell me that I've done it. I would wake up with like avocado skins and a spoon next to the bed.
It's so that's hilarious. Well, since being pregnant, I've woken up and you are hungry, more hungry, so I go and eat, but I'm awake. I'm very aware of what.
I'm doing, so you know how like I don't really I'm not a sweet tooth. I'm not really into like I like chocolate every now and then, but it's not like, you know, I'd rather cheese and pizza. But when I was traveling a lot, I would wake up in a hotel room and the mini bar would be like empty packets of stuff I just don't even like, like cherry rites, not a big fan cherry righte packet next to my head. The only person in the hotel room.
I did not know this about you. This is hilarious.
It's new it's like the last probably just before COVID was started. So just around the wedding, I noticed when I was traveling.
Every night do you do packets? Well?
I don't know, because what if I eat things that don't have a skin or a packet, and you know.
Nick like wake up and is he like where's Sarah?
No, but he's definitely woke up and I am eating and he'll ask me about it and be like.
What is that?
And I'll be like a cheese toasty and He'll be like, how did you make that? You I make things?
Whoa, this is brilliant, This is so good.
And he'll tell me like, maybe you don't want to eat that. You know you won't sleep. Well, it's like two am, and apparently I get really like, what are you saying? What are you saying? I need to stop eating so I need to watch my weight, Like I get all feisty about it. That's so weird.
That is hilarious.
It's great.
Oh my gosh, I love it. Well with your sleep habits and my sleep habits, we're very sexy. But I have to admit, like my Nick does wear the nose strip as well and the eye masks so we're in it together.
Oh that's good. At least you're in it together. What are your other two?
Ooh, I'm trying to think if there's any food things.
Or even just like habit things like do you have, oh, pet peeves? Do you have any pet peeves? Like mine is like slow walking people who walk through deep on the foot path and you can't get around.
That is pretty funny. I'm a little bit of like a principal police like, you know, like when something is principal, Like I'm like, but it's principal, like you know, you can't do that, like you can't litter, like it's you know, like, oh, okay, actually I just I go up to people on the beach that are smoking and I tell them that they I'm like, you actually can't smoke on the beach, and and if they drop their butt in the sand, I'm like, you're gonna pick that up, aren't you and take that
to the bin? I like teasure, I know. I'm like, so that's.
That's something, and it's a good one.
This is a good one. But yeah, like I just can't stand the smoking on the beach right next to me. I'm like trying to lay there and enjoy my time and then someone comes and sits and smokes right next to you. Not fun. Definitely not fun. Let me think.
There's definitely weird things about you.
Yeah, what else? What else?
Like is there any weird skill? Like are you double jointed? Or is there anything when you were a dancer that you were like either really bad at or really good at? Like I suck at tennis, like I'm really coordinated all other ball sports great, can't play tennis. Don't know why, don't know why ball sports.
Are not my forte. Like Nick and Leo, they make fun of me. They're like, oh, they will go down to the beach and I'll be like, oh, play and they're like no, like they don't actually want me to play. And I'm like, oh, like okay, Like We've got this little tennis racket and ball thing and I'm like okay, I'll just I'll just sit and watch them. Okay they
just laugh. Oh wait, they just laugh at me constantly with my They're like catch this, catch this, and I'll like try and catch it, and then no, that's it's pretty embarrassing.
Do you have a middle name? Have I asked you that?
What's your Mary?
I did not know that.
MMA like seriously and very catholic and very so good catholic.
Yeah, like so confentye.
So cool.
Very last question we love. What's your favorite quote?
I love quotes. I'm like you, I think, and one that I love a lot and I've used a lot during really challenging times. Is this too.
Shell pass such a good one?
It's such a goodie. Whenever you're going through something challenging, just remind yourself that this too shell pass past. I have written it on post it notes and stuck it all over my house at different times when I've gone through things, even when I was going through the conception journey, reminding myself that this will pass. It's a really beautiful quote. And I love quotes like you and put them as reminders in your phone or alarms in your phone to go off so that you can remind yourself.
I also think it's good for the good times as well, to remember this too shall pass, so that you don't let it pass you by and you fully appreciate it while it's there, because everything is temporary and you do tend to think things will last forever. So I think that's a really, really beautiful one to finish on. Thank you so much for giving me a day of your maternity leave and sharing so generously. The book is absolutely brilliant. It is such a pleasure and honor that I interviewed
you for your very first book. Do you remember I got an advanced copy of that one back five years ago? Baby?
I think it was six six years ago. Yeah, so yeah, we would have met like over six years ago, and I gave you a copy of the book when we first met, when we had lunch at that cafe in Sydney, And yeah, I just I remember meeting you that first day and it was like, oh my god, hi, and we would love you. I love you, I want to be friends with you, and we were like instant friends and I was like, I'm going to be friends with her. I just knew it.
And to be back doing it again six years later for the fourth book is just It's been such a privilege to be on the journey with you, and you've obviously had such a big impact on me. So love you loads and thank you so much.
Thank you so much for having me, Honey. I love and adore you. You're such a dear friend to me and I'm so proud of you and your incredible book. I read it in a few days and your amazing podcast. I remember when I was in LA and you called me on the beach. I was walking. I was in San Diego. I was walking up and down the beach and you called me and you were like, I'm going to start a podcast. What do I need to do?
And I was like, right, okay, you need this, you need this, you need this, and you're fine, and you're like cool, all right, And then a week later you started your podcast. So I'm just so proud of you.
Yeah, I was like, I don't think you're This was the only one i'd listened to. I didn't really even know what podcasts were then, and I was like, I'm just going to give it a try and just see what happens. And you were like one of the very first people to make podcasts cool, Like you started before, honestly before it was a thing here.
Really, Yeah, I know, I love it. It's been a couple of years now, and I just I love doing it. I mean, it's the best fun. You get to interview and have amazing, inspiring conversations with epic humans. It's awesome.
Well, everyone also jump over and listen to the Melissa Ambrosini Podcast. Some of the guests have been absolutely incredible. You've had pretty much everyone amazing in the world on their sixteen million downloads and counting, so amazing listening material you guys. Head over, I'll pop a link in the show notes.
Thank you, my love.
Well, I think you can probably see why mel has propelled onto the global stage with her knack for simplifying our most complicated human tendencies and helping us all build lives that work best for us. Comparison Itis is the circuit breaker we all need to stop comparison and negative self talk in its tracks and I'll pop a link in the show notes so you can grab your copy.
I'd love you to do what the neighborhood does best and shower Melt with love for sharing so generously today by sharing this episode along with any takeaways you had and tagging out Melissa Ambrosini and myself. And if you've listened all the way to the end, you will know that I'll be picking a few of you this week
to win a copy of her book. So please get sharing, lovely people, And if you haven't subscribed or left a review, do take a few seconds of your time to help us keep spreading the Yea as far and wide as possible. I can't say how much it helps us keep growing the show and of course keep it as an independent production. It really means so much. Hope you're having a wonderful week and are seizing your ya