Flex Mami // Flexistential questions on identity, introspection and individuality

literally in the pages of her beautiful book. But I remembered that, of course, she jumped on the show two lockdowns ago around this time last year for a juicy chat, and I thought re releasing that one would probably give you a better idea of just how wonderful she is. I've only just started re releasing past episodes this year when a guest releases a new book or I unexpectedly end up without a new episode for that week, and I've been so surprised how often some of our chats

fly under people's radars. So hopefully this time this one reaches a few of you who missed it the first time around. Ignore a few temporal references relevant to last year, but otherwise, I hope you enjoy Flex's fascinating brain and eloquence as much as I did. I'll pop the link to her new book, The Success Experiment in the show notes and hope you guys enjoy.

Now it's not homogeneous. Any form of improving, developing, upskilling, evolving, transforming is hardshit. Absolutely going against the grain isn't beneficial until.

will bear all the facets of seizing your Yea. I'm Sarah Davidson or a spoonful of Sarah, a lawyer turned funentrepreneur who swapped the suits and heels to co found matcha Maiden and matcha Milkbar. Sez the Ya is a series of conversations on finding a life you love and exploring the self doubt, challenge, joy and fulfillment along the way.

The way that twenty twenty has unfolded has had a lot of us reflecting in ways we haven't in years, but self awareness, existential reflection and critical thinking about values, behaviors and perceptions has been this week's guests Jam since long before the pandemic. Few people get my brain gymnastics going like the inimitable Lilian Henken, who you may know as Flex Mummy, and the chat you're about to hear

was no exception. While she is now changing how we think, how we do our makeup, and how we decorate our furniture. As a self dubbed professional opinion haver and slashy DJ's slash TV host, slash podcaster, slash beauty guru, slash creator of Flex Factory. I love chatting to Lil about the rollercoaster journey all of us go through finding our personal

balance between conventionality and difference. As an Australian born Garnaian woman, the societal projection of a homogeneous black women's experience is just one of the many layers of identity that we peel back with her incredible ability to articulate and guide multifaceted conversations. I was so captivated in exploring the different elements of our identity and the many snake skins Flex has worn and shed herself, that we went for almost two hours having a great laugh. But I've cut the

best off for you to enjoy. If you aren't thinking fundamentally differently about things at the end of this one, I'd be surprised. I hope you enjoy this one as much.

the way that men might not. So women are more likely to say ah, but yeah, like, whereas men are more naturally inclined to speak and not mince their words. And as soon as I discovered that, I was thinking to myself, how hard would it be to make more of a considered effort to say exactly what I mean as I want to rather than the la And then you know, and it's so much harder because it changes your cadence, it changes your tone, it changes your accessibility.

Absolutely are these gendered things. Also, it's interesting.

I just love that you ask the things that break taboo or even just break the autopilot's circuit of thought patterns and talk about it so eloquently and you're just so good.

of a glossy surface. But on the other hand, you're also one of the most open and taboo breaking person on the interwebs at this time, so it's probably like not a question I actually need to ask you, But for anyone who's new to flex Mami, what's something really down to earth about you?

down to earth because it's the most surprise. But just being a really picky eater, I definitely a toddler, and people find it really interesting because I have such a flavorful appearance. But in any given circumstance, I would prefer vanilla ice cream plain, you know, mashed potatoes. Plain is in very simple like simplely cooked chicken, like a schnitzel. I don't want like it raised. I don't want it boiled. I don't want any variation of the norm. I want

a cheese and a cracker. I'm talking, you know, at most of breda Camembert. I'm not eating goggan zola. I'm not doing it. I'm not getting honey drizzled into it.

options are quite fine. Whereas in different aspects of my life, like let's say, howse to call, I don't feel fulfilled. Therefore I must innovate and I must create, and I must try new things.

and familiarity and just you know, autopilot. But there's also something about you you can choose to stick with the things that you like just because you don't have to be different all the time, Like, oh great, lesson Great, I mean we can just end now. I mean I've learned my lesson for today.

that you hold them all so well. And it's again I think I love that it's not out of indecision that you are a professional slushy. I think, as you call it, it's a choice to pursue so many different sides of your personality. So the first section is your wayta, which is pretty much explaining to us all the bits that came before the you that you are now. And I think we often see people like yourself who are quite confident in their opinions and where they sit and

what I mean, like what their palette is. And you've done a lot of work to find now what works for you and what your joy is. But we forget to go through all the steps from childhood and all the weird rollercoaster ups and downs that it actually takes you to figure all that out. So I love to go back to the very very beginning, and I mean even the fact that you weren't born flex mummy you are looking at a Hanken.

into a stereotype. I guess it's because I consumed a lot of American TV, as most Australians do, and stereotypes are littered throughout all of your media, like you are in a certain group. You are emo, you're goth, you're in the rap group, you're an athlete, you're this and that and so on and so forth. And I love the fact that within those settings, having or identifying as a member of the group gave you purpose, an identity, and a way to behave and a way to connect

and being How do I explain it? Like, as a young person, there's so much I knew I could be, but I didn't have the infrastructure to do more than what was sort of available to me. I acutely remember in year nine I went to an all girls public high school, and in year nine, everybody was wearing the same white volley trainers, the same belt from Souprey, the same tiny champion bag, the same skirt rolled up and cut too short. There was no room to express yourself

outside of the norm because that was the norm. That was the one stereotype, and if you were anything but you are necessarily shunning yourself. And so I remember I made a really close friend and we just decided that between the two of us, we would just do the thing. And so I latched quite heavily onto being like a

little pop punk, emo scene girl. And that was my identity purely because I liked the music and I liked, you know, the culture, the skateboards and the guitars and the way you could do your makeup and your hair. It was so exciting. And it was fine because once you dressed a certain way, it was very easy for people to identify with you. But what I didn't understand is that how you dressed and what they identified with could be negative. They're like, are you sad? I was

like no, I just like the way I look. They're like, oh, it's really hard to identify with so for context, and this might not mean anything to people who don't care about astrology, but I am an Aquarius moon, I'm an airy sun, so as girl Pisces rising, what that means about me is that I have a preoccupation with being and feeling you and special, Like my idea is the first off, nobody gets me, Like how I see the world is so specific that you just wouldn't even get

if I explained it. Now. I can say that with a level of self awareness, But as a tween, I was latching on to things that were so far outside of my norm because I guess in hindsight, I was really afraid of being seen as other just naturally. So if I put myself in positions where I was other on purpose, then I was taking control of that narrative because I knew exactly the connotations with what I was

choosing to identify as. I knew exactly the people that would identify with me, and I could sit quite heavily into that that's so, and so that isn't it right hindsight? And so that was fine until we get to about year ten or year eleven, and I'm exposing myself to other young people who are from different areas of Sydney because I went to a public girls high school that was attached to public boys High school, which meant that

we just kind of integrated within each other. Though it was the Eastern Suburbs, which is quite stereotypically known as an affluent area that's very white, it was multicultural in its own way like I wasn't. I might have been the only black girl or like one of two, but there were people of multiple ethnicities that it was expected that people had another culture, another language to speak, and

that was all fine. It wasn't until I got until exposing myself to other schools that I was like, wow, you have quite stereotypical views of me and the people that I hang out with, like the people who would make the black joke and make the Asian joke and be like, oh, that's so crazy. And so I thought, okay, like we're getting to a point where what my mum had and my family had kind of quote unquote warned

me about was coming to fruition. And I remember there was a stage in my early adolescent development that when I was transitioning to high school. My mum was saying to me, you know, people can be a little bit you know, forward and a bit rude, and you might be put in situations where people ask you about what you look like and where you're from. At this I could not comprehend what do you mean, MUMY may get it, like, it's not like that anymore. People aren't gonna do that. Mum.

She's like, I know you might not see it now, and maybe you might not see it ever, but just be mindful that you're in a position where you are a bit different from the people around you. So I doubled down. I'm like, I'm not different. I'm Australian, I

like vegiem. You don't know me. But yeah. So it was this weird like parallel or like being no being visibly different by choice, but also just being visibly different just by nature that I couldn't that I was struggling to comprehend, you know, And so I just remember there was this one time. I always say there was one time in about U ten and it was multicultural day in my high school, and my teacher was asking me what I'd be wearing from my culture in my head.

I am Australian, that's what I know.

don't understand. I'm this, I'm that and whatever. And so I think I've always to a point had some sort of identity crisis, but it wasn't rooted in being culturally different until adulthood, where people were a lot more forthcoming, you know, with what they felt about the way it looked. But as a young person, I guess I was just I was a bit of a sponge, like I was ready to absorb and absorb and absorb and absorb and absorb.

And I think I was happy for my my appearance to do this speaking for me, because I didn't feel like I was the most articulate person. I didn't feel like I had the range to speak on a lot of topics. I was never of course, I was in gifted and talented classes, but when you're in high school, so is everybody. It doesn't really mean that you have any academic prowess, any ability to critically think. I almost failed my fucking ata, which is that thing you do

at the end of yew twelve. I got like fifty six, so, I mean, and I was creative, but I in so many ways I was just a bit of a wayward child. Like not bad, but not really that good either. I mean, I was the type of person who was of course I was integrating the people who like drank and did drugs, but I didn't do it, you know. So it was this constant dual identity of like being in it but not amongst it, understanding it but not being able to speak about it. You know. My culture, myself, my identity

is so convoluted. I truly believe that if I wasn't, if I didn't end up in a position where I was front facing and was expected or presumed to know things, I would never have gotten to a point where I appreciated knowing things and being able to articulate and whatever whatever. That's why I can kind of sympathize with people who don't have incentive to also know things. Yeah, because the world doesn't really ask it of you. Yeah, you're just

allowed to exist and be. And then one day somebody says, hey, flex, so what do you think about cultural appropriation? And I say, oh, I don't care. And they say, oh, but I was reading on the internet that you should ask you know, the black people around you and they'll tell you. And I'm asking you and you don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

was Aboriginal until she was in high school. And I, you know, it was like, oh, okay, well I've left all this time for this particular narrative that we're going to talk about. But I loved reading in interviews that you've done before that where are you from? In high school? Was more like what part of Sydney are you from?

Absolutely that it was not you know, you haven't had this narrative everyone's abscribing to you of what was it like being black growing up in Australia, Like that was probably not the biggest angst that you were necessarily going through as a teenage girl, being like, it's all the other things that you're worried about, That's exactly it.

And I also think I carried this at naivety about the way black people might have been perceived that when people were asking questions or being a bit offensive, I wasn't processing, you know, I was like, surely, I mean, maybe they said that I look like a monkey, because maybe I do. Maybe it's not a racial thing. You know, it's like, that's the way your mind works because you're

not exposed to these things. And so as you begin to develop your understanding of the way identity is so pervasive, and of the way that people subconsciously attribute certain characteristics and personalities to you purely because of the way you appear to them, it becomes a way more nuanced conversation That's why these days I worry about the way people are introduced to having these conversations because there is no

one homogeneous Black experience. There's barely a homogenous Black Australian experience, even if we were to dwindle it down to the Black Australian heterosexual female experience. Now it's not homogeneous. And so when these conversations happen and people are said, you know, to quite literally do this. This is how you should show your support, This is how you should show your interest, this is what you should do in order to be a good ally or a well versed person, or you know,

an emotionally aware person. And suddenly it's not being received by the people that you're meant to be doing it for. Then you're in this tricky territory of being like, well wait, hold on, I don't even understand the problem. Yes, wait, I like, what do they actually go through? And like, hah, totally, I don't think I get it. And I think I had a similar conversation a few weeks ago. I think

I know where somebody has said to me. You know, I find it hard to comprehend that black people are so you know, marginalized or they're like their thought of as being less than in any circumstance, because all the black people that I'm aware of are exposed to our celebrities are affluent, rich people with power, So don't I can't fathom that the same people and now talking about how oppressed they are. And I was like, wow, this

is part of the issue. If your only exposure to a certain type of person is through a very specific lens, then how can you fathom you should be able to I think that's a very generic skill that most people should be able to do, to perceive things that they can't actually taste, sea, feeling, touch. Yeah, and if you're not an intuitive person, maybe that's not something that's very easy for you to do. But for the rest of us, like I can quite easily sympathize to what it is

to be a white man without being one. It's very easy. It seems a bit difficult.

them personally, they're like, actually, my ethnicity is not the

biggest thing. It's not my biggest feature. Like, I don't know why you all insist on making the conversation about that when like even you know, Teliko I had on last week and I really wanted to cover a lot about Indigenous Australia and her experience in the community, because I wanted to make the episode an opportunity for education for people who hadn't had as much exposure to the Aboriginal community or what her journey might have been like.

And she was sort of like, it's really not a big part of my journey, like that, it's a huge part of my identity.

where it's comfortable for you. But I love also that to remind everyone that even the most sure of people and even the most different and taboo breaking of people, you have to sort of start somewhere. You know, you started quite conventional, like gas reading. You worked at Zoos Shoes in twenty twelve in PR and I'm like, literally was it an office?

being too? So it was just recalibration. And I guess because growing up in the Eastern suburbs and then you know, having the majority of the black community living in the Western suburbs, my only kind of access to them was through church, and I stopped going to church as like a thirteen fourteen year old because I was like, I don't like love spirituality. I don't know if I can do the church thing.

an equal in a lot of spaces. And then my brothers being two African men, you know, one being born here but one being born in Ghana, also having first hand access to what it's like to be seen as others, because the experience of black men, I'm sure in a lot of cases is a bit more volatile than the

experience of the black women. You know, the stereotyped black women can of course be dangerous, but they're more so petty, whereas the ones to black men really remove them from certain environments because oh no, you might rub me, you might steal something from me, might write me. It's just too much. So it was, yeah, an accelerated part of my learning where I did this thing where I kind of shed my skin in the sense that I took away all the stuff that I was trying to use

as a buffer to the real mean. So that means that I had to stop dressing so overtly emo because it really wasn't my identity and I was overenthusing. So we had to stop with the platform, stop with the black lipstick, stop with a black eyeline, and stop with the scene hand all of it. Right. So when I took that part off, I was left with a blank canvas, and I thought, this is a good opportunity to see that if I presented as someone who was more conventionally conventional,

would that change my experience? And so I just started dressing normal as an Aquarius moon would. So that meant, you know, hairstyled every day, beautiful extensions in full face and makeup, you know, full outfit, heels, handbag clack clack clack clack, black making a point, making a scene. Oh, I could never wear jeans, I could never wear a T shirt. I'm just too business focused for that.

hey everyone, I put my hand back down. It's not accessible. And so again I moved out of that space. And I remember being in PR and I could feel like I was going to push myself into hyper identifying as the PR girl and wearing what they wore and speaking how they spoke and thinking what they thought, because I didn't have space and time to step away and identify, well, if I don't want to be seen as these people,

what am I comfortable being seen as? Because I still was in a space where I could show my natural hair, people would know I was black. I couldn't do that right completely visible. You know, I certainly can't go to Garner and see my extent of family. People will know that I'm not do you know?

my career. And because it's not something that I was really interested in and it's something that really required everything that you had, I just felt so depleted all the time, and I thought maybe I wouldn't feel depleted if I had any anything else going for me, any interest, any hobbies, any way to express myself. And at the time, you know, being twenty, all of my friends were still going out

getting kissed or whatever. But I did the binge drinking thing from fifteen to eighteen, but didn't ever learn how to socially drink. So I was going out, not drinking, being really sober, being like, fuck, this is so boring, and I felt I love the environment, I love getting dressed up, I love having access to this, but like, I want to be here with the purpose. I would love to like be a door girl, like get paid,

hang out whatever. So that's what I did, right, And the promoters that I met ran this club night that was called Side Changed, and it was not a normal club night, because that's not where an Aquarius mood would want to go to. It was a club night that was made for and by Internet kids. And if you can imagine, it's twenty twelve, twenty eleven, and so it's a time where you know, dressing like the internet was bit. We were wearing like cool platform boots and holog and you.

wanted to be perceived. And at the time, identifying or looking as I was a club kid was very beneficial. We were the coolest, we were the most connected.

looked like anymore. It just was getting to a point where I was having to wear a quote unquote normal outfit out of the house and pack a separate change of clothes in my bag because I didn't want to get abused on the trainer in the uber to the club, and it was all too much and so I hadn't.

It was an epiphany, but kind of a waking up moment where it always happened to when I look at my wardrobe and feel like it doesn't reflect me because I've spent all this money and time really trying to be somebody different, and it was it kind of coincided with being a DJ and getting pr for that, and also being like, fuck, I just don't want to be seen as a club kid, club kid, club kid, because then it's like club kid ethics were thrown onto me in club kid conversations and I didn't know or care

about them, And so I made a kind of vow to just be because I was finally in a position where being a DJ, you can imagine like you're kind of given. How do I explain it? It's just a cloudy kind of job. People assume you're like, I'm attle, smart, like aware, like you're creative, you're all of these things. And so I thought, finally in a position where how I'm being perceived matches how I feel about myself, so it's up to me to sort of do the extra groundwork.

And so dressing how I felt and wearing what I wanted and speaking what I felt were all part of that process. You could only do so much intentionally, because I mean, you you have to in some cases change the way you operate overnight for you to really do it. Yeah, and so I didn't know what I was doing, but I just definitely knew that there was a way that I wanted to be perceived and it had to match

to what I felt and to every conversation. I had to get away from being that charming ares who's just down floor a chat and it's always here to tell the story and just say how do I feel like I want to operate in this space what feels most aligned? And I think that it was easy for me to do that and to settle into being myself because I was in a position in my life where I was finally given room to yeah, like, wow, if you're the DJ It means that you have the answers, You've moved

from a traditional job to an unconventional job. You live in your own apartment, you do what you want, You've made money from being yourself. You must have the vision, you've got you've got it all. And I didn't, but now suddenly I had space where I could figure it out, you know, and so it all had to be super conscious.

And I remember there was this time when I was eighteen, right, and I had just was one year out of high school, and I remember I was going to Tafe to study fashion business, just because I thought that if you liked clothes, you should work in fashion. So I would go to Tafe like every other day and not listen and not apply myself, just fuck around. And there was one time where I thought, okay, I have assessments, and shit, I should just go to the library, role play academia and

then I'll get some work done. Didn't happen. Took a phone call, was walking up and down the library. What do you call them aisles? I think asles, I guess so. And I remember it sort of like randomly stopping in the self development area because the conversation had got into a juicy point where I couldn't walk and talk was far too complicated.

Didn't even think about it, really, just took it. Nothing beaped, which is odd, but you know what.

personality typing thing. I used to do it on everyone because you know why, I couldn't figure out who I was. I made my main priority to figuret who everybody else was. I get you, you're this, You're an IRONTJ. I see it. You're one dimensional to me. Don't even worry about having it like I really thought I knew. And so fast forward into adulthood, I started to go back to that.

I thought, if I'm really struggling to see who I am without looking at it through the lens of everybody else, what would happen if I just used the system that would reflect my answers back at me, and that would be a really good starting point to figure out who this bitch is and helped because suddenly I was like, oh, yeah, like okay, I guess I do. I am really concerned about being valued and expressing my value is really important,

and having my value being seen is very important. It makes sense why I go into environments and want to be want to feel like I'm in a position where if I was to express myself, I'd be heard that is important.

And really there are actually a lot of tools and you can create the space for yourself in your life to wipe this late clean and do the work as we call it, and do this exercise that you did to sort of now be exactly who you are unapologetically and not feel such a dissonance between what your life reflects about you and who you actually are.

just what you do, it's why you do it. What influence is why you do it, why you're made aware of it, all of these things, and I guess I was back to square one, but just in a more elevated way where instead of really exploring what it meant to feel like myself, I was now latching onto But I'm an antp and my archetype is you know, A, yeah, I'm an ediogram pree wing two. And then you're like, okay, yeah, these things are all true. But what's my belief system,

what's my moral code? Do I have ethics? Do I actually care about anything? What do I feel? And for the most point, I mean, I'm personally someone that might I care about very few things, and I definitely think that when you're in a position of influence the world wants you to care about everything, right. You gotta care about the environment, about the animals, about people, about experiences,

about the system, about status. And it's like I can be aware, I can be highly educated on things and not fundamentally care, and that for me creates a lot of space to put extra effort into what really matters to me and understanding who I am actually matters, because it's been the cornerstone of why do any of anything right.

It's the reason why I can get paid to just tell people what I think, because I've really taken time to figure out what I think matters, and how I think about things matters, and how I express myself matters, and my opinion matters, and unfortunately not everybody does.

that I gave a fuck about. And like I had Mark Manson on a couple of weeks ago and re read his book in reflecting on his whole idea of you know, the satellite of not giving a fuck doesn't mean be indifferent and apathetic and like don't care about anything,

but it means just choose. Like there's a limited amount of energy and time and a limited amount of other people's attention towards what you have to say, so like, maybe be a bit more selective if you can't be the ambassador for everything in life, but you can have a huge impact.

and articulating myself that I am this person. And I feel as though when people are asking for insight, onto you know, expand their view of the world and to be able to really understand what they think and why they think, it it's a performance because it feels good to people to know that you know, But in reality, it takes so much time, so much effort, so much introspection that if you don't really care, then don't do it because it's not beneficial to you or anybody around you.

And then you fall into that trap of the person who's self aware of all the ways they are a menace to society. I'm so annoying every time I go on a date with someone, like, I'm just so unengaged because I just want to get me through. That's not cute. We need to know that, you know. She's like, Oh, I'm so terrible. Like I love the environment, I really do, and I always get mad at people so buying fast fashion,

but I will never use a keep cup. People always say, like, people say these things, and I've literally overheard this doesn't add up. You don't have to be this way.

You don't I always say, you know, you don't have to see the whole staircase to take the first step. You probably at each of those steps would never have known that you'd end up a professional opinion have her who actually gets paid to do the stuff you really really care about and love. But that's where you ended up, and it took a lot of steps to get there. But now you are you know, you're what do you call yourself? A multidisciplinary millennial in media? You're her, that's

her MTV presenter, Bobo and flex podcast beauty Guru. You are a co founder of flex Factory. Like, there's just so many things now in so many ways that you are doing exactly what you love and exactly what is you. But I love how openly you remind us of all that, Like you don't wake up like that.

about it. I mean, the question would you rather be hated for who you are and love for who you aren't? Is such a cliche because I don't think the average person is acutely aware of how they move through the world begging for approval, because it really is important to be felt as though you're liked and loved. And it's really interesting because when I play that game or when I answer that question with people, they always assume I

prefer to be hated for who I am. Fuck no, you know how terrible it is to be on the receiving end of anything, but like acceptance and warmth. I'm not a crusader, Like I'm not trying to be the person who is the antagonist, you know, the one who's just like the anarchist is doing things. It's what I want to do. And if no, I'm acutely aware of how good it feels to be put on a pedestal

or projected upon in a positive way. And I'm quite comfortable with that because I always know I'm never going to be in a position where i can go to each individual person that has access to me and explain them exactly who I am and the way I want to be seen. It doesn't matter, and I don't really care, like, just give me the good shit because I am motivated by pleasure and leisure and feeling good and being loved like that's fun. Not being mad.

you're not doing it just to be controversial. Yeah, you know, it's clear that you're not just like I'm just gonna like cause a fuss here, I'm just say shit that makes people uncomfortable because it's fun, Like you do it because you care about sexual liberation and you care about education of you know, people about topics they wouldn't normally engage in, and you do it so well.

can't be fully evolved in a night. And what we see is, like you said this, it's not even contra People aren't trying to be controversial the sense of like, let me jump on, but there's this definitely their motivation doesn't match with their actions and it doesn't ever feel genuine. And I feel like we are in a time of performative everything, performative activism, performative relatability, performative understanding, performative normalhood. I too have depression, I too cry, and it's like

we get it. But if you spend half that time just trying to better communicate who you are and the expectations of you, then maybe you wouldn't be bullied for not advocate heading for certain groups, and maybe you wouldn't feel pressure to show that you are a keep cup using environmentally conscious, so and so. You know, people always use that annoying cliche phrase it's like moving through the world with intention and blah blah blah, But it so matters.

It is in your best debt and it's in your best interest to figure out who you are and how you want to be perceived so you can start living a life on your own terms. Everybody always says to me, you're so lucky that you can like have you like, do what you want and say how you feel. It wasn't luck. Going against the grain isn't beneficial until it is, you know, like these things went well received just because I did it. You don't see the das be like, oh,

you're just like a DJ. Stick to what you know, don't talk about these things, blah blah blah. And suddenly it's like, oh, can we borrow your mind. Here's a consulting fee's there's a process, you know, and don't stress yourself out if you're not here for I'm not saying not to give things a go and see how they fit.

But also if we all cumulatively spent just an extra few minutes a day critically thinking, assessing what we do, why we do it what impacted what we're doing and what we really think the benefit is of anything that we're doing, because we all have an agenda. We all have agendas. It's just a matter of a lot of us aren't really aware of why we do the things

we do. As soon as you can get down to the like the nooks and crannies, you start to feel free, gily, You're just like, ugh, I know why I do this. I know I can comfortably say that I do care about things and I don't care about things. I have agency because I've given myself that agency. Nobody said, hey, flex, now we think it's appropriate that you can speak about things you care about. I did it anyway.

you have today. I don't think luck. I mean, I think luck is a part of the journey for you know, everyone, But I think most of it is that you're a damn hard worker and you are willing to just put yourself on the line while you explored all these parts of yourself and now you've earned where you are to be able to be a professional opinion ever because you've spent so long working on your opinion.

way to do. So what we do commodifying ourselves is very risky. I feel like people forget that people aren't inherently likable, you know, like not everyone can be in a position where they not only sell themselves their personality, their interests, their beliefs, the way those dots need to connect, the way you need to be so acutely aware of how you're perceived and what spaces you can enter. I definite wouldn't say it's rocket signed, but it's just not

simple work. And often if you had to outweigh the benefits of the pros and the cons, this industry is riddled with cons. Even the idea of every week jumping on to express how you feel and then being tied to those ideas absurd.

let them know I really did enjoy myself. You know, I thought that the juice came out a little bit late, but I enjoyed myself. The next time your friend asks you, you know, how'd you feel about me inviting my boyfriend to your birthday? Babe? I prefer you didn't like I haven't seen you in a minute. It's just been It would be really nice to connect with you one on one or one on nine with the other girls coming. These are all ways you start to fortify you know

who you are. You can't be mister missus passes and then wonder why you're not in a position where articulation comes naturally to you. What are you talking about?

to be generating ideas income all the time. And the days where I can just say, oh, I do have emails and I have work, but I'm literally gonna get in my car and drive to the farm and like vibe out, you know, all the day where I'm like, you know what I am just gonna make something because I want to. I won't even share it because I don't have to. And so much about what I am learning to value in my life is just remaining really, in the most cliche way, true to myself, like really

identifying what really makes my life worth living. Because I'm a duty fulfiller, I will do what I have to and what needs to be done over what I want to do at any day. But taking back my agency is just my favorite thing because it means that I haven't lost myself again. It means that I'm still really aware of who I want, who I want to be, and who I am and the things that will kind of make me want to continue living. I can't feel like there's a void up to the rest of my life.

I want to get to the point where I'm like, oh, this is all just nus, yeah, and finding ways to give myself agencies, just working towards contentment, be like I know exactly what is that makes me happy. I know exactly what is it makes me feel fulfilled, and sometimes I don't.

to do really well. I naturally do a lot and then do nothing, do a lot and then do nothing, which was also affirmed by the time that I went to go see a celebrity astrologer and she was looking at my chart and she was like, yeah, like you're so lucky. Yeah, you wi't know how to kill it. Oh yeah, I'm really seeing You're gonna have to really be mindful of burnout. That's just something that's gonna I'm like, sis, say no more. What I need to be do is

what I need to be do language it's tricky. What I need to do for myself is less about how to eradicate burnout and more about how to be more aware of when it's coming and what activities I do that are burnout inducing. So I know, for me, what really pushes me over the edge is when I'm not being understood, when I'm doing things out of obligation, when people are prioritizing themselves and exploiting me. So that's when someone's saying, like, you do this, do thing you don't

want to do, but it's for a certain amount of money. No, like no, because I'm not doing all of this to be now tied to an arbitrary system like money. It's nice and I'll take it, but also don't use it as a tool to guide me like I'm a dog on a leash. It's not happening. So if I can sort of mitigate the areas of my life that push me towards you know, over stimulation, over exhaustion, over outputting.

Then that's much better and I can kind of get to a burnout stage that's easier to manage that I'm not manic and you know, fully emotional, feeling anxious and super depressed. I'm like, oh, you know what, I just need a break and that's fine.

then take it. No, I need to do it with intention. And so there are some days where I will just watch Netflix for ten hours and watch a season a day because I can and I should and I want to. And it's finding activities like that that don't that I can't justify at all. But I will prioritize, and that is, you know, getting another chest of drawers from Facebook marketplace and painting them. Do I need more draws? No? Do I have more space? No? Am I going out of

my way to inconvenience myself? Yes? Will it bring me joy? Absolutely?

I need. Yeah, Yeah, I mean I just if you're not creative, I don't know how you just find time to do things that don't matter, because yeah, like being a person is not creative, and then doing creative things and not being good at it, that would suck. Because there's a reason why I can go and buy a chest to draws and paint them because I'm.

because it's where we used to go. And we're sixteen and we want to dress up, go to Darling Harbor where heels, and go to a nice restaurant. And I've ordered the same thing for years, the bunless Chickenberg, because the bun is too big. Also, right, it's not briosh. It's a big, crusty, seedy bun. Oh no, that you literally can't wrap your mouth around and it just takes up.

It's not it's not at all. So I remember, like all throughout my high high school period, even in adulthood, my best friend Grace, I've got two best friends called Grace, not to get them confused, but Grace from high school would always order mushroom sauce and it's brown. It looks unappetizing, and I was like, ill, Grace, Grace whatever. And then one day the Picciata tried it and was like, oh,

I get it. Mushroom sauce is good. So unfortunately, though I guess my taste buds have you know, transformed in some way. But hurricanes doesn't hit like it used to. So I might have to mend my last meal later on in my life, but for now, I'll take it.

The other thing that's quite Let's just say something that people would know about me and say, if you look at your fingers right, like turn your hands palm side up, and if you look at the little creases on your individual fingers, right, yeah, how many can you count, like defined creases?

I will google it. I'll like go to like parmestree dot com and figure out like what what it actually means, because some people just have an extra line on one finger, and.

Often I didn't, but like off these days, and do you know what it is, I've had to like go back into like the recesses of my mind because as some like, if you look at me, I'm not a conservative person, right Like I'm not someone who presents as being conservative in any way by like my ideologies, by the way I govern myself, whatever. But I definitely have, like from just growing up, had it drilled into me by my mom to be appropriate and like conducting yourself

in an appropriate way. Is very important, and because so much of my life is unconventional, I am conducting myself appropriately for what is expected of my lifestyle right of the situation. But when I move into spaces where the standard is conventionality and there is like an appropriate way to act, I get super power annoid. So if we're in public and like my friends are talking too loudly, I'm like, hey, sister, can you.

It was like when it rained, it poured. The jobs were coming left, right and center and back in those days meaning like twenty fourteen, perhaps yeah, Instagram was a sing but it was definitely a type of person that used Instagram, so photographer or like a person who was a model or a brand builder, or you might have been a normal person who just didn't post. But there were definitely like particular ways of like operating. And I had an Instagram, but I never posted. I just lurked

and stuff. So I thought, like an indicator of being right, just very I don't know if it's on brand, off brand, who knows, we're figuring it out, but I knew that like a key component of the a DJ was having you know, social media and you know, with specific names and stuff. So I remember being in a like a round table with the friends that I ran that club night with, and I was like, Fuck, I need a DJ name. Can we just quickly do a little like

a little hour of power. Let's just get one so we can quickly get the Instagram and get the Facebook. And at that time, flex was a like I don't know, like a colloquial term use like lit and sleek and.

it could be. And I was like, I just want something that like is very simple that eventually, if I don't need to use it, I can just take it off, so like a baby or like a And it was at the time everyone was called like young something you know, or like you know, So I was like, what about like a baby or like a mar And someone's like, what about mammy? And I was like, fuck, yeah, let's just do that.

Now my boyfriend checked the other day to make fun of it, but back then he probably had one hundred and something followers. I was like, do I ask him? Because I remember somebody had bought Kanye West dot com like his domain, and he ended up paying them a significant amount of money to get the domain back. So I was like, I don't want to be extorted.

deem to be appropriate or good. So when you come across somebody who's just a little bit ignorant, and you're like, if you know, if you knew better, you probably would behave in a different way, you know, So let me hold some sort of like empathetic space for you. I try. And then the second prong of that is, in order to ever get to a point of evolving into a better version of yourself, you have to learn and educate and explore. You just don't get to that point without

having to do the groundwork. And I feel as though a lot of us assume we're just going to land and arrive into actualization and it's not happening. So we have to increase what we know to improve the quality of what we do.

So And it was interesting though, because sometimes she would just ask us to do things without context, and we just struggled with the reasoning behind it. So every now and then I'd be in my family home and I hadn't lived there since I was at twenty, but she would ask me, It called me and be like, hey, can you take the frozen chook out of the freezer

so it can thaw? Or can you take the clothes off the line or something right, And in my literal mind, sometimes I forget, or sometimes I would just do what she asked and not finish it. So I would take the clothes off the line, but not fold them, not give people their clothes, And then it just makes more work for everyone because now she's just used to energy to tell me what I did wrong, why I need

to fix it. I'm defensive now I'm feel attacked, and all these things happened when it could have been so easy and so simple. And so I remember one day she just kind of like blew up and she was like, the reason why I tell you that you need to do things the full way is because not because one day they won't be someone to magically help you, but because it's a reflection of of how you navigate the world. Like, understand the privilege it is to have access to do shit.

Understand how easy a life can be when you take full control of the outcome of what you're doing. If you're constantly waiting for so and so to come through and fix it and help you, then you're gonna feel like you have no agency to do anything. So like, and this is why I always get so frush ated when somebody is like, hey, flex, how do I start a podcast? It's like, is this fifty percent of the work you think is going to happen? Because I promise you there's like six more line items that need to

be ticked off. Honestly changes It changes your worldview when you're like, okay, in how many ways do I wait for somebody to come and finish the job? You know, like when you don't tell your partner fully what you expected them because you just think that they're going to connect the dots themselves, Or when you don't fully express how you feel to someone and I see they're going

to figure it out. Or when you you know, when you go into a hairdresser and you're like I just want highlights and like what kind of like, oh, don't want I trust you? These are all ways you make your life so much more difficult. Just finish the job, finish the sentence, finish the thought, like, do it all in full and at least you can be so much more responsible for the outcome. But that one, it took me so long to figure it out, Like what do you mean I'm not doing things half done?