Hello, lovely neighborhood. I'm back in your ears today for the second time this week. We are double dropping because I have a special treat from Mama MEA's daily news podcast, The Quickie.
I was thrilled to join the.
Show with an episode all about my adoption story and the journey over the past year or so to meeting my first blood relative, my beautiful son Teddy. November was Adoption Awareness Month, so if you've ever thought about adoption as a way to expand or start your family, I know it can be a really overwhelming area if it hasn't been in your network before. This episode has some information that hopefully might help or give you some insights
you haven't heard before. I was asked a few questions I've never answered before, which was a really interesting occasion and opportunity to reflect, and also found that some of my answers to the questions I have discussed before had changed since I've had Teddy, so I really enjoyed this chat. Please take a listen to the episode, let us know what you think, and I will be back with another episode of CZA very soon. Hi.
I'm Claire Murphy. This is Mumma MEA's twice daily news podcast The Quickie. It's Adoption Awareness Month and if you've ever thought about it, even just for a second, as a way to expand or start your family, we have some info that might help. We'll speak to Sarah Davidson, host of the CSDA podcast, who was herself adopted, to also help us understand what her experience has been like growing up adopted in Australia. Sarah Davidson shares her story
as we mark National Adoption Awareness Month. I recently read through a thread asking for those who were adopted how old they were when they found out. The responses showed just how varied the adoption experience can be for those who were given up by or taken away from their biological families. Some felt like they were treated like not really a part of the family. Some experience trauma even
those who were adopted as tiny babies. There were struggles to locate biological families, especially for those adopted from overseas, and both sad and joyous stories of biological family reunions. There were celebrations for families who finally felt complete with their adopted children, to those who mapped the dos and don'ts of adoptee life like changing a child's first or
surname without their permission. Adoption is not the same for everyone, but the truth here in Australia is that we face significant challenges in providing permanent homes for thousands of children in need. The most recent data from the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare reveals that only two hundred and one adoptions were finalized in Australia during twenty twenty two
to twenty three. This represents a ninety eight percent decline from the nearly ten thousand adoptions recorded in nineteen seventy one. Seventy two of those recent adoptions, one hundred and seventy three were domestic, well twenty eight were international. Reality is that over fifty five thousand children currently reside in out of home care across Australia. More concerningly, around four thousand of these children are not living in home based care,
instead staying in group homes, motels or hotels. This situation highlights the critical need for permanent, stable family environments. Modern adoption in Australia follows a plenary open model, where children maintain knowledge of their heritage while forming new legal relationships with adoptive families. The system encompasses three main categories. Local adoptions within Australia into country adoptions through international partnerships can
known child adoptions, including step parent and relative arrangements. All adoptions in Australia must now be open, ensuring children grow up knowing their adoption story. Now this approach recognizes the importance of identity and cultural connections, particularly for First Nations children who are overrepresented in the out of home care system.
The disparity between adoption rates and the number of children requiring permanent homes is concerning, but those in the field know there are some serious barriers to adopting a child in this country. The stringent eligibility process, while necessary, may overlook a candidate due to a criminal history or health issue. There's the financial considerations and associated costs with adoption, which with the cost of living crisis, has made it worse
for many. The adoption process also is not a quick one and it requires a certain level of legal assistance, and of course, the needs of the child should be held above all else for example, those with a disability who might need more support, or First Nations children who require connection to culture and need an appropriate family who can guide them. Research shows that early stability is crucial
for children's development and their ability to thrive. Without permanent family arrangements, many children face uncertain futures and potential negative outcomes. The current system leaves thousands of young Australians without that security and that nurturing and environment that they really need for healthy development. That stable environment is something Sarah Davidson appreciates more than she can ever express. The author, TV and radio presenter and host of The Seas the Yay
Podcast was adopted from Korea into an Australian family. She says, whether she and her younger brother were adopted or not was never even a question.
My brother and I were born in South Korea and our parents are not South Korean by heritage, so it sort of wasn't possible in our family scenario to get very far into our lives without us wondering why we were completely Asian looking and they were completely Caucasian. So it wasn't ever going to last very long for there to be any illusion that we weren't adopted, or that
there wasn't some kind of question to be asked. And because of that, I think it worked out beautifully because I don't ever remember not knowing, And I think that might be maybe the difference between some people feeling like they've had one narrative and then it's changed later on in their life, or you know, that.
Just was no choice for us.
So I was told before I even understood what the word adoption was. There's no before and after the news. I don't actually remember what the conversation was because I was so young.
I think for those of us who haven't been exposed to adoption, there's a real movie narrative around it. For us, So we presume that as soon as you're kind of aware that you're adopted, that the initial thing would be to find out who your biological family is, and there's that real draw to find out where you come from. Did you experience that?
Of course, there's a curiosity from a medical background perspective, or what you look like.
There's always a curiosity there.
But because our family here, like I never have you know, been like my adopted parents versus my biological parents. I've had one set of parents who raised me, who are their only family I ever knew, who are the most loving, incredible family, Like there was no sense of a gap that might drive that search for something else. I think maybe if you don't get along with your adoptive family or you feel like something's missing, that might drive the search.
So I've never had that desire.
But then there's also the fact that there's a big bureaucratic and logistical barrier as well. So Korea in the eighties had like no digitization of record. Often there is no information even if you did go on a really big search. There's a language barrier. But then there's also the fact that there's a big possibility that you'll find out something that you probably didn't necessarily want to know, like and you can't know that until you find out.
And I just thought, what is it going to add to my life if it's positive, and what if it's going to add to my life if it's negative.
And I don't know, it's just to me.
I sort of thought, if it is something that's quite traumatic, I personally don't feel any trauma, and that would unner things that maybe I don't need to know. I have loved the family life that I've had. The way I put it to people to kind of explain, is if you found out now that you were adopted. It wouldn't change that you call your mum and dad your mum
and dad. It might change that you feel you might have sense of betrayal, and you know, all that kind of stuff, But if someone pointed out your biological parents in an audience, you wouldn't immediately go. Yes, I know that if you told me they were outside, I'd be so.
Curious to go and meet them.
But if you told me it would take me twenty years of really hard work to go and find them, I probably wouldn't bother with it, if that makes sense.
Do you think this stigma around adoption has changed over the years because there was this idea that and I guess maybe stigma's not even the right word. It's almost like you said that, sometimes adoption is seen of having some kind of I don't know, shame attached to it, like whether your parents experience that with not having in quotes their own children and having to go through that process of bringing you and your brother into their family.
And then there's this idea that because you're a different sort of family, there's something wrong with that, you know, And now do you feel like that has changed over time? That we're so much more accepting of different kinds of families now in whatever way they come together.
Yeah, one hundred percent.
I think when we were in primary school, so my brother's four years younger than me, I definitely think it was much more the nuclear family. It was a much more conventional family unit time in society, if that makes sense.
And the things that we were bullied about. Parts of it were sort of the racism of the nineties because we were very Asian looking, but there were a lot of questions of sort of like that's not your real mum or that's not your real dad, and yeah, the implication that they're not your real family and you don't know your parents. And it's funny now looking back on that, we're so much more accepting of a myriad of different
ways that people become a family. There is so much less I don't know if it's stigma, but it's just more common that families are combined in very unique and different ways. In fact, being adopted is kind of vanilla on the spectrum now it's not really considered that quirky's so true. Yeah, like it's not even a story like okay, cool, like what else? But yeah, I think we did have a much harder time when we were younger, and it does.
It does kind of eat away at you that people are asking questions about the legitimacy of your family bond. And it's only because our parents, we were so communicative and open and helped us be really well adjusted around that part of our identity. They always sort of said, if you want to go on a pursuit, we will support that, if you want your Korean culture to be part of your identity, like we've always had traditional Korean hahnbach,
you know, the traditional dress. We've gone back and met our foster parents, they've always kind of supported us as much or as little as we wanted to investigate that there's obviously never been any secrets.
About it because there couldn't be.
And they've also brought us up to believe that blood is not the only way that you can find your family. So we actually aren't biologically related, my brother and I, we were born in two different biological families, and yet we have the same birthday exactly four years apart. The narrative that our parents have always kind of encouraged us with is that you know, you were obviously meant to be together, even if you weren't born in the same family.
Kind of the universe conspired for you to grow up together, and we've been super close our whole lives, and that narrative really helps you sort of combat when we were younger, at least combat that feeling of well, you guys don't think there are real parents, but we were.
Meant to be together. You know. It's just really they did it in a really beautiful way.
I think it was literally just ring because my cousin and I were born on the same day too, and I was looking at when you have a family member who is born on the same day as you, it means you were also family members that are passed line. I really love that.
Oh well, you know what's so like wild?
My husband's father and grandfather were born on the first of April, and the whole of my pregnancy that was our baby's do date was the first of April, and then he ended up being born on the twenty first of March, which is like three days before my brother and I, but would have come out on the twenty four Like just so many weird alignments of family, even though.
You know it's not all through blood relation and genetics.
Do you remember teenage you having conversations with your mum and dad about this, because you know, we struggle with so many things during that transition in our lives, and we often, you know, we might withdraw, or we might you know, get a bit angry, or we might just be annoying teenage behavior. But do you remember how teenage you handled that?
Yeah? I think in primary school it was very sort of one dimensional. The way that I accepted it. It was like, kids are bullying me, but I'm okay because my mum and dad loved me and end of story. When I got to high school, it became a little bit more layered and it wasn't so much asking mom and dad the questions. It was more how much I lent into my Asian nos if that makes sense. And I think a lot of cross cultural adoptees go through that where for.
A long time.
Because I grew up in a suburb and went to a primary school that wasn't very multicultural, and in the nineties we were a lot less kind of embracing of
multicultural identities. I spent a lot of time suppressing that and trying to be really Bogan and Australian and prove that my grandparents were dairy farmers in the countryside, and you know, I kind of ramped up the Australian side of me, and then I went a little bit the other way at the start of high school and sort of lentinto oh, maybe being Korean, Like, now being Korean is so cool. It wasn't when I was in primary school,
but in high school it started to be. And then I came back out and was like, oh no, but I don't resonate with a lot of the things that are associated with an Asian upbringing, so maybe I shouldn't represent myself that way because people would then seek me out and be like, oh, you must get it because you had tiger parents, and you must be studying really hard academically because your parents, you know. And I'm like,
oh no, that wasn't me at all. So then I came back and I kind of swung back into the middle. Somewhere when I really started to drive harder questions was just around fertility. That was the first time I really thought, wait, hold on. I always knew that Mum did IVF. I always knew that obviously, with the end result was adoption, but I didn't really know when the decisions were made, or how difficult it was to do, and how expensive it is to adopt a child.
And then it's really since.
I've had a baby that I was adopted at five months old, sort of thinking the bit where Teddy was zero to five months, Mom didn't get that. And then this five month old that was sort of a little bit baked just was dropped into her lap, and then she got on a plane and brought them across the world and then just had to get to know this baby as if it was her own without the hormonal support that you get, you know, postpartum, And that has
suddenly all dawned on me. So I've had a lot more questions this year, even than I kind of ever had in my lifetime.
Actually, what's really interesting is one of my colleagues here at Mamma Mia mentioned this the other day. She works on another podcast called This Glorious Miss and they were talking about how your brain changes when you have a baby. And most people think that's only happening to the mother who biologically birth's a child, but they have found those changes actually happen in the brains of dads, and it happens in the brains of parents who adopt children too,
so well, you don't have that biological bond. Her brain changed when you came into her life.
That makes you want to cry.
It's so beautiful, and I've always thought that it's interesting that there's now like scientific evidence behind it.
Anecdotally, I've always thought of that.
We have a couple of photos of the day that I arrived and then the day that my brother arrived, sort of at the airport, like the minute that we stepped onto Australian soil, and we had only met mum and dad, like maybe forty eight hours before. I think you actually pick up your child at the time you did anyway, and then within forty eight hours you're on a plane back home. Because I know that she's my mum, I'd always look back at the photos and be like, oh.
Cute, Like look I'm cuddling her. It's you know, we're so close.
But now I think, oh my god, we weren't close at the time, like she had just picked me literally doesn't matter, and yet I look so like that's my mom. I'm hugging into her. We just look like we have this bond. And now I'm asking her like, was I scared, like, I had no idea you were. I got on a plane for the first time. Was I crying the whole time? And She's like, no, you just kind of cuddled into me and that was it. Now I look back at those photos with that new knowledge of what having Teddy
was like. I mean, I've always thought that she was the most selfless, incredible, loving person ever, but now I'm like, I just have this whole new level of Wow, you didn't need a transition period.
I was your daughter straight away. That's bananas.
I'm really interested to know how you feel about DNA testing like twenty three and me, because it has made tracking down relatives for people who don't know who their biological family is a hell of a lot easier, even if what they find out isn't necessarily what they wanted to find out.
How do you feel about that?
I probably if I had the option to add on the ancestry part as well as the medical history part, I probably wouldn't. It's not that I'm closed off to it, but I think I've maybe been influenced as well by a couple of people in our network having found out some pretty traumatic stuff and then really not knowing how to resolve that later on, because you can't unnow information as well.
And the other thing was when I did the medical testing, I sort of thought, oh, this worked out really well.
I don't have any precursors for Alzheimer's, I don't have any precursors for Parkinson's.
But now I think, what if I had found out at eighteen that I did have those?
Like sometimes I think in this day and age, we feel like we need more information, and that's necessary a good thing sometimes. I think if you know that you've got a high likelihood of something, sometimes it changes the way that you live your life, even though there's a chance you won't get that. My view changes a bit as time goes on. But maybe we don't necessarily need to know everything all the time, but it is good that if you do want to, you can.
What's it like for you being a mum now and having a biological relative.
It's at once incredibly profound and also at the same time not as profound as I expected, if.
That makes any sense at all.
It is so mind blowing, Like once a day, if not multiple times a day, I stare at him and just think, I grow that, Like what the actual like, I cannot comprehend it. That is half my husband, half me. He looks a little bit like a middle ground blend of us. And when he smiles, his cheeks are like exactly my cheeks, and no one's ever looked like me before.
I've never seen my feet reflected in anyone, knowing that that was a biological thing or genetic thing, and that's fascinating, Like remembering the kicks and then knowing that those are the same little feet that have come out, and you know, all of those things are just mind blowing. Nature blows
me away. But at the same time, kind of comparing that to mum being so fascinated, like watching her c zero to five months for the first time has been so moving because she never got that with us, watching her learn about breastfeeding, because she never got that, watching her be in the hospital and being like I'm useless here, like I'll help you from five months on, but I'm a newbie with you, like that was so beautiful to
share that with her. But at the same time, I've sort of thought when he was five months old on that day, that was quite profound for me. My anniversary of coming to Australia was at the same day as his five month anniversary, and I sort of thought, if I met him now and I knew that he wasn't my biological child, I would love.
Him the same.
So it's sort of been incredibly profound and also like not as big of a deal as I thought it would. At the same time, like if we wanted to become parents and we hadn't been able to do so biologically, and we did have a really rough ride to get here, we would have adopted without thinking. And I don't think how love would have been any different. And Nick's mum is also adopted, which is wild. She was the first Asian adopted into Australia, so adoption is not foreign to us.
It's always been very very clear examples that. You know, people say blood is thicker than water. I think like love is thicker than both.
National Adoption Awareness Month serves as a crucial reminder of the thousands of Australian children awaiting permanent homes. It's an opportunity to discuss how we as a society can better support vulnerable children and ensure they have access to stable, permanent family environments. But while we explore the challenges and the solutions. We have to remember that behind every statistic is a child waiting for permanency, security and the chance
to thrive in a stable family. Thanks for taking the time to feed your mind with us today. The Quickie is produced by me, Claire Murphy and our executive producer Taylor Strano, with audio production by Teak and Sadler.
Thank you so much for listening to this bonus episode for you of The Quickie. If you'd like to hear more episodes of The Quickie, it's one of my very favorite shows. Make sure you follow or subscribe to the show in your podcast app and there'll be a link for you all in the show notes. I hope you're having an amazing week and are seizing your ya