Ep 03. Dealing with Holiday Stress

Shannon  0:14  
Aloha. Today's episode is brought to you by the University of Hawaii College of Tropical Agriculture and Human Resources and the Seeds of Wellbeing or SOW project. This podcast is supported by the Farm and Ranch Stress Assistance Network. FRSAN grant from the US Department of Agriculture, National Institute of Food and Agriculture and the Hawaii Department of Agriculture. 

Mele  0:36  
Aloha welcome, everyone to the SOW podcast aimed to provide educational support, information, guidance and outreach to farmers, ranchers and our allied agriculture producers in Hawaii. We are your host, Mele Oshiro and Shannon Sand. And today, we're going to be talking to Dr. Thao Lee, who works in the areas of mindfulness, and we've had her on the podcast before she is the lead for our project, the SOW project. And we thought this time of year would be a great time to have her on to talk about dealing with the holiday stress. Yeah, so thank you Thao, for joining us. 

Shannon  1:13  
Yes, thank you. 

Thao  1:15  
Always a pleasure. 

Mele  1:17  
So it's that time of year again, right, where we start to see hopefully be able to see our friends and family have more gatherings, add more things into our schedule, and you know, and it gets really tight and busy, especially if you're working you know with family or little ones whatnot scheduling during the holidays is always can be very stressful. 

Shannon  1:38  
Are you speaking from a little bit of experience here? 

Mele  1:40  
a little bit of experience having two little ones at home, going to school? And you know, and I think opening up of travel too I think more family members are coming home or coming by, you know, for visits and staying and stuff. So, yeah, you know, producers deal with a lot of stress during this time because they're not just dealing with now production stuff. 

Shannon  2:03  
Yeah, family stuff, and community stuff because the community's got a lot going on too. So yeah, 

Mele  2:08  
yeah. So trying to make everyone's I think schedules work making sure you have free time you making sure you make the commitments meet the commitments that you have, can be very stressful for producers I think during this time, so you know, 

Thao  2:24  
and weather yesterday didn't help all that much. No,

Shannon  2:27  
exactly. The weather and I think you guys are getting more of it right now. We kind of had our bit on the Big Island and it's kind of going your way now. Yeah, yeah. So

Thao  2:38  
when it's a little bit it's okay right but when itʻs a deluge weʻre like overwhelmed and flooded so I think when you are talking about the holidays sometimes feel like a delusion. Right? All these families coming work you know gifts I gotta go buy, parties I gota host, and some you want to see others you don't but yet you feel guilty, right?.

Shannon  3:02  
All those things, yeah, 

exactly. Right. So how do you how do you deal with all of that managing your schedules, managing everything and most importantly, managing yourself right? Yeah. And your your your well being is probably a very important thing. So what kind of things can we are you can you offer I guess Thao, ideas and how our producers can help to manage? Yeah, I mean, you know, we can tell them do your record keeping do everything ahead of time and you know, have those things set in place on you know, in Shannon and I's background and that's kind of what we would you know, how we would help them deal with stress but how do they help deal with them mentally you know, in keeping that health for them?

Thao  3:47  
Yeah. So if you really look at the root cause of stress in terms of what triggers you um, it's usually around expectations. I so we expect during the holidays that we're supposed to be generous and gift giving we're supposed to have all our loved ones around but not Oh, right it is

Shannon  4:09  
I was like, all that makes a lot of sense. The expectation thing I'm like, oh, yeah, I feel about one

Thao  4:15  
Yeah, even rituals which are wonderful right even the rituals which should be wonderful opportunities to remember the gratitude and generosity and the kindness of what Christmas or the holidays or you know, Hanukkah or whatever sort of religious spiritual orientation your it still has all of these expectations of I should weigh so in what I would say is, this is a wonderful time too because it's around the winter where bears hibernate or animals slow down. It actually is an opportunity for us to do inspection. Right? not expectations.

Shannon  4:51  
Oh, I've never heard that before.

Thao  4:56  
Because I like the animals in the in the in the animal kingdom. They have it right. You know, it's time to just rest, but we do the opposite. It's time to get busy. And everybody at the shoping mall

Shannon  5:12  
I'm really an online shopper nowadays. 

Mele  5:15  
I think a lot of folks have online shop now you know, it is more convenient. Yeah. And you still you still kind of miss out on some of the good stuff. If you don't go in there for you know

Thao  5:24  
Right, you don't want to be fear of missing out, right? You don't want to miss the deals. Right, right. Yeah, so part of what we do with inpectation is very first to notice, what is triggering you? Right? What is triggering triggering you to feel like the sense of anxiety? Or what I have to do, I don't have time. And how do we know what's triggering us well, before before it jumps out, is this opportunity for us to notice what's going on in the body, because the body tells you right away what's going on, and we don't really pay attention. 

Shannon  6:05  
That's true. 

Thao  6:10  
Because you're so busy, like I know what you know, I'll take care of my body. I'll drink enough, I gotta hydrate, I've got all these things I have to do. And then your body's just shuts down. And you're like, Oh, my goodness, like what's going on? Because sometimes during the holidays when you because you know, there's people getting indoors, and if you're not healthy, you can easily catch the cold or the flu. And now we've got all these other variants. So yeah, very prepared mentally, because your body and your gut and your mind. It's all interrelated. So when you have a trigger, it's an opportunity like the bear, to slow down and notice what's talking is it my stomach, is my jaw getting really tight. is my eyeballs all like, you know, dilated, because I'm like, Oh my God, why am I getting headaches more? Because we all have different ways in which we deal with these triggers of expectations 

Shannon  7:05  
Yeah, that's true. 

Thao  7:06  
Retreat, I'm just gonna like, forget it, it's too overwhelming. I'm just gonna put a barrier don't even bother to anybody. So we have different ways in which we respond based on our conditioning, our habit pattern, some of us are like, very vocal and in your face, other just kind of like shutdown and retreat.

Shannon  7:28  
That I was like, that's like, amazing, the like idea of an inspection. I hope I said that. Just like, Yeah, cuz otherwise, I will say, sometimes I go so much. And then I like end up not I don't know if it's getting sick. But like, sometimes I'll just like, my body's like, No, you need to nap. Like, it's time to take a break. And like, Yeah, I've been known to like, go and go until I end up just getting like, so sick or exhausted. I'd like night night. Yeah, that's not good. But I just want him in. 

Mele  7:59  
Yeah, and we talked about that before, right? You just don't, you don't always put yourself first. You know, and you just kind of think, no, because I need to get this done, I need to go here, I need to do this. And you just work down that list of tasks that you have to do. And never mind if you are living on a gallon of caffeine for the day to get it done or whatever, right? You just kind of do it. So some people put so much pressure right on themselves to kind of have that, you know, make all the commitments that is offered to them right? Or take up all those offerings and whatnot. And, you know, so I guess that's the other another big thing, right is how do you relieve some of that pressure of feeling like you have to be committed or you have to pass through?

Shannon  8:43  
Thatʻs true It's, it's, it's really good to say that, like, we should do all this, but it's like, hard to be like, how do you actually draw like, say, no,

Thao  8:51  
no. It has to do again, with the expectations for yourself. Why you have all these particular on the holidays, you have had these expectations for yourself, and you have expectations for your families, and for your friends, rights? there are these hidden sometimes it's not so explicit. They're subtle, because it's around the holidays, and everybody's got this sort of shared meaning and interpretation about rituals. Yeah, gift giving, why am I oh my goodness, I've got to like, make sure I've got you know the right gift for my best friend. Otherwise, she might be disappointed. So part of what we do with inspectation is just to notice, and then be kind to yourself. Right? Because it's more important that there's so many ways to share. And in our society, we've gone so much in terms of commercialization, but the way that we share is presence and time.  

Shannon  9:48  
as I've gotten older that is one thing I will say that like I think I value like more and more like I love stuff don't get me wrong, but I have a lot of it. At my age I've accumulated a decent amount And like, I don't know, when I go home, I was like, I always told my family not to buy presents. I was like, let's just like go out to eat or order in, or depending on the situation, or whatever it was like, my dad and I like our Christmas rituals. We don't buy presents. I was like, we we smoked meat, which, depending on where you're from, may be weird. But I see Mele shaking your head like yeah, I was like, That's it? Yeah, I'm, but it's because our 

Mele  10:25  
Yeah, our family does the same thing, like, 

Shannon  10:26  
one of the best times I have is doing stuff like that. Or like making cookies with my mom. I like, Oh, those are like my favorites. 

Thao  10:33  
Yeah, like my to my niece and nephew visits usually don't talk because they live in Canada. So of course they escape to beautiful weather, and I tell them, I'm going to give you like, you're not going to, you know, greatest present you're going to get is what? Presence, not present presence. So we share time and experiences together presence 

Shannon  10:54  
thing is so good. Especially, you know, yeah, now that my nieces and nephews are older, but even when they were younger, like to them, that's some of their best, like memories at this point. They've told me so like, I love that. Right? Yeah.

Thao  11:06  
It's creating memories. So taking the time to, and sometimes we feel like we don't have enough time. So that's another expectation. Yeah. And then feeling guilty that you don't have enough time for others, right? Sometimes you need to carve that time out for yourself. Yeah. Yes.

Mele  11:25  
Yeah, I think that's very important. Right? Stop, take a breath, learn to slow down, learn that it's okay. To slow down. It's okay to take that 10 minutes or whatever for yourself or an hour or whatever it is, right? Yeah. 

Thao  11:40  
Yeah, the animals do it. And we are like, you know, we've got all the elements of nature. So why don't 

Shannon  11:45  
we are technically animals to be honest. I was like, people sometimes don't like to refer to it that way. It was realistically. Yeah. 

Thao  11:52  
What made up the same thing, Earth water, fire, you know, we're all the same. So and they know, they just instinctually know, it's time to rest. Yeah. And hibernate to restore and rejuvenate. Because sometimes during the holidays, we feel exhausted, because we've posted so many activities and done so many things, right?

Mele  12:15  
That's, that's very true. You know, and that's typically after the new year, it's when everybody is goes off. And we all just kind of shut down and be like, 

Shannon  12:24  
I saw a meme the other day, and I can't remember it. Exactly. It was basically it said something along the lines, if you look forward to the holidays because that's your time to recharge or time off or whatever,  you probably need to look at other things, basically, kind of the "inspectation" idea, and I'm not remembering it exactly, but like it's stuck with me. And it's like, oh, that's like a really good point. Because, if you're so exhausted, by the time you get to the holidays, that you need to do nothing, rather than enjoy the time with, your friends and family. Like, you know, and then like, as a farmer or rancher, ag producer in general, I was like, they're already rushing so much just to like, you know, feed, clothe, provide, you know, whatever services or goods and it's like, it's just a stressful time for them in general, I feel like, you know,

Thao  13:11  
and the holidays in particular have been shown for can also aggravate the sense of loneliness. So even though you're Yeah, like people, you can feel lonely and from them. Some of us don't have families or even though we have families or not, we don't consider them really, they don't understand close and yeah, so yeah, we can aggravate that. Oh, yes. Yeah,

Shannon  13:30  
yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's, that's kind of some of the stuff we were hoping that you could talk about, like, you know, what are some ways to deal with some of these things? Like, I love the inspectation, because I'm like, Oh, that's a good one. I'm going to do that one.

Thao  13:46  
So I'll just give you like, maybe a couple, just four tips around the expectations, like the steps like like step one, you identifying and notice, like right now, if I were to ask you, what are you noticing Shannon, and Mele? Three things with your eyes? What do you see? Can you name three things? My three things that's happening in your body right now, is there a tension in your shoulders, your jaw, your head, might just notice to stop. And then if you can just as you notice, notice that the breath and the breath is natural is they're always with you. And we often take it for granted. So notice the breath, because the breath when you're breathing puts you into this moment right now. So you're not planning for the future, because who knows what's gonna happen in the future. And the past already had, you know, in the past, which is left Panda, you know, Kung Fu Panda. Right. That's this moment right now. So that brings you right now what's going on? What are my expectations? Leave those expectations down right now. So when we name our emotions, and we name what we're feeling, there's this term called name to tame. Hey, the minute you name something, it actually tames it, because it's when we disregard it or we avoid it or we suppress it that makes it stronger. So the minute like if you're angry, yes, I'm so angry right now my job is really tight on my punches and I've got all these words that's like in my mind, just name it. This is what's happening right now. This is going on, right name I'm, I'm irritated because I have this expectation that this person should do this and that person should do. Right? Just name that, yeah, recognize that expectation, and then listen to what your body's telling you, as you're able to slow down. In the mind, sometimes the mind, even though we're stopping the mind is like churning like crazy. Right?

Shannon  15:45  
Sometimes at 2 am.

Thao  15:50  
Right. And so what you know, what I like to share a bit about is like, how, how do we sort of gently allow that mind to slow down and one of which is to send it lots of kindness, because we often so hard on ourselves with all these expectations that we should do this, and we should be better and, and so we need to make sure to be kind to yourself. Yeah. And as you're kind you can say, oh, my body is really aching, oh, my poor body I'm going to be kind to you and itʻs going to stop right now get that cup of tea, or whatever it is you'd like to drink. Hopefully it's healthy for your body. 

Shannon  16:29  
It's like it's juice today. 

Thao  16:33  
And so and then reflecting so because you're slow down, it allows you to reflect, which opens up creativity and problem solving options. Because when you're in a hyper mode, you're not you're not being creative, you're just dealing with the stressor. And sometimes unskillfully. So when we reflect it gives you that bandwidth to explore different options.

Mele  16:56  
That makes sense. You know, when I look good, I have like, I have a big project or something that I'm doing. I need to go and like clean up the desk. And I almost feel like that's kind of the same thing when you have and you feel like you're just overloaded with all these different things that you need to do. You almost need to clean up your mind. Right? Yes, clear up that space. Yeah, and just kind of stop, take a minute to list prioritize whatever you need to do and just focus on that one thing, you know, and yeah, that's a very good point. Because we do we do it all the time. Just kind of forget about what we're, you know, ourselves and don't take that minute, so yeah, well, to yourself, that one's a good one. Yeah, so yeah, I was like, 

Shannon  17:40  
Yeah, well, for years, I did like a grateful list for like, three years in a row. And I found like, for me personally, like it's really helpful. I know, it's one of those things that a lot of people are like ah, but like, it sounds crazy, but if you do get into kind of a negative mindset, I do find it really helpful was like, you know, you can be grateful for little things like flowers, or like the sky or bacon if you're me sometimes because itʻs delicious and it's amazing that you can eat like bacon with all of those things. But like, it sounds silly, but it really does like help change your mindset. So or at least for me, it's helped a lot. 

Thao  18:18  
Yeah, you're talking about cultivating planting the good seeds, right. And so the seeds of the mind we just see the well being so gratitude, appreciation general. Yeah, so these are wonderful seeds for a healthy mind.

Mele  18:30  
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and that healthy mind is what you really need, right? That's a very important thing. Yes. We sometimes forget that.

Thao  18:50  
Oh, final tip. I would ask you what three things are you grateful for right now?

Mele  18:55  
Many, many things. Many, many things. 

Shannon  18:58  
I was gonna say Thao and Mele and then like I had dinner with my friend Joanna last night. That was amazing. So

Thao  19:04  
Oh, so sweet. Shannon, people. Right so people? Yeah,

Shannon  19:08  
I'm an extrovert. Yeah. Yeah, 

Mele  19:15  
I'm grateful for that for having the people around us for sure. Especially being able to not be able to be around so it was nice. Having

Thao  19:27  
people around like, you know what I even I'm even grateful for this feral cat that comes around every morning and every evening. Oh, I'm not a cat person. But this feral cat. Actually, I'm grateful for this opportunity to allow me to practice taking care of a cat even though I don't have an attachment to cats

like the cat most feral cat can't touch this cat. It just eats and then just sits there and looks at me and we we actually spend like 10-20 minutes just looking at each other. And Iʻm happy that's a wonderful way to pause because the cats actually making me the pause, rather than moving on to the next thing I just, we watch each other look at each other and it's just like this connection with another being

Mele  20:16  
Yeah, I must say I'm grateful I'm grateful for the animals for sure. I think that has always been a calming thing for me no matter what, in the periods when I didn't have my animals around, you know, or whatnot. It's yeah, it's different. So I'm very grateful for that too. Mele is definitely an animal person. Say the livestock agent, right.

Thao  20:41  
So the next time you feel like you need to punish yourself, not punish, but like young people say punish all and get the 50 strokes 50 strokes of the cat

Mele  20:54  
Nice. So as frustrating as maybe the the time of the year may be because your schedules getting super busy. I think Tao has made a very good tips for you to kind of deal with those stress during the holiday. Or to take time for yourself. Your well being is so important. Yeah. And you know, like Shannon said, Take time to recognize what you're grateful for right now. Helps to just kind of memorize. Remember why you're doing what you're doing? Why you love doing what you're doing. Hopefully you can find some help in the tips that were shared today. And know that you're not alone. Everyone is you know, you are needed. Yes. Yeah. You're someone or something. Yes. Yeah. Very much appreciated for all the hard work that our ag producers do, you know, throughout the holidays and, and helping to provide for all of us. Yeah. 

Shannon  21:53  
Flowers for our soul, or food for our table. Thank you for joining us today. Tao. We really appreciate it. 

Mele  22:01  
Thank you, Thao. 

Thao  22:03  
It was a pleasure, huge appreciation to you and to all the ag producers out there and everyone who's actually listening to this. Yeah, that's right that's right.

Shannon  22:13  
Yay. Yes, yeah. Thank you, Thao. 

And as for everyone listening, be sure to visit the seeds of well being or SOW website and our YouTube channel listed in the show notes below. 

Mele  22:26  
And for additional information about this topic, you can see the links provided in the show notes, or the description box. And just a quick reminder, if you haven't already, please complete our SOW needs assessment. We will create the links or the links will be there in the show notes and the description box. Thanks again for listening to the SOW podcast. And everybody have a very happy and merry holiday season to you all. A hui ho

Thao  22:57  
A hui ho

Shannon  22:54  
A hui ho

Transcribed by https://otter.ai