Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya red An iHeartRadio podcast. Hello everybody, we are scrubbing In. This is part two with Victoria Garrick Brown. We had such a great time chit chatting and we wanted to extend the podcast into two episodes, so this is the second part. You just celebrated one year of marriage. Yes, how long have you all been together?
Total? Eight years? Okay, but one year of marriage?
How long have you lived together?
Ah?
We moved in together, like when after right after the pandemic was like enough gone that people were like not sheltering at their parents and stuff anymore. So we I think we looked together for like, we moved in together in twenty twenty one, So I think we've lived together for like no, three years. Oh, actually, I'm bad at math. The twenty twenty one year doesn't count because that's when we moved in, So to twenty two to twenty three?
Yeah, okay, I was like, wait, I have been counting wrong one so bad.
I still like when I write, when I tip on a check, I have a little addition column, It's like, what's twenty five plus? Oh?
I just pull up my calculator. I don't even try to do real bad. Okay, so you've lived together for two let's say two and a half. Yeah, the difference. Yeah, where was there like significant differences that you noticed after like during marriage year one?
Not really, Like there's not a huge difference, I think, at least for us, because we had been living together, we did not have finances merged. So when we got married, we merged finances. So that's been a difference, but in a really great way. We were actually reflecting on this last night at dinner. Of course, I'm like so annoying. I'm like, okay, so we're gonna do questions. What's been the most surprising thing about marriage? My friends hate when I do that, but this is.
Literally I basically feel like Tanya's here with me.
I cannot sit at a dinner table without like questions queuing all of us. Like I just sit there and I'm like, should we play a game? My friends are all like, no, can we be in the moment?
Well, you're also Haley Hailey loves a game and a recap.
I do love that.
No.
I literally will be at dinner with like someone I just met, like bringing out the box of we're not really strangers and they're like, God, never gone. That's probably why don't have a friends all night. I'm kidding. So, uh, we were talking about this. I was hesitant to merge because I love the idea of like being a successful woman and making my own money and my mom. I don't want to say my mom didn't have a career because she's the world's best mom. So that was her
career and it's definitely a full time job. Yes, my Yaya also stayed at home, so I'm kind of the first generation. And then my yi as parents immigrated from Greece, so I'm really the first, like and I don't have a sister, the first girl in my family to like have a career and make her own money and support herself. Of course, I'm super blessed and I've had many opportunities because of like what my family, the privilege I had
growing up. But I was hesitant because of that, Like I didn't want people to think, Oh, your husband works in la real estates, so that's why you're doing this, or that's why you bought that. Like a little part of me is like, no, I did it because I worked hard. But I actually did this fun episode of Real Pod where I interviewed like a very feminist thought leader on the topic, so Tory Dunlap of her first one hundred K, and I got her opinion of, like,
don't merge. It's a contract. You always want to protect yourself in any contract. Why is this different? And then I interviewed Max's brother because he is He's a complete opposite, Like he's like merge team unity, like there should be no separation, Like what's the point of getting married if you're not completely unifying your lives? So, you know, I took some time to think about it, and I did, like it was like my journalism degree coming out on
that episode. I was like doing a very drive on two interviews and then I compared and then I you know, but I ended up merging. I realized I wanted to do that, and I've really loved it because there's no scorekeeping, and like when I succeed, he succeeds. When he succeeds, I succeed, And I just really do feel like we are on the same team, like I'm constantly in it
with someone. And so to your question of like what's the difference, I think the difference is you invite all the people you care about, to witness a moment that you look the person you love in the eye and say, I'm gonna be with you forever like sickness and in health till death do us part, and like that's my promise, and I'm not only promising it to you, but like I at least value, I'm valuing my word in front of these people. That's something to say for anyone who's
experienced divorce or it hasn't worked out. Like, of course there's nuances and someone could be pretending to be someone they're not like. But I think for us it was like you, now you leave that day, and you do feel like you have this invisible string attaching you and this other person, Like I can't just cancel. I couldn't. I couldn't just like quit all my jobs and say I want to move abroad, Like I have to take
into account what he wants and what he needs. Fortunately, I'm married someone who's so similar to me, and we usually always want this anything down to like dinner every night, So that's why compatibility is important. But I'd say that's the biggest thing is like I have another half, Like that is no secret that everyone knows about and like I say, no secret in the sense of like everyone came to witness, Like I said, I would prioritize his needs. So I yeah, I think that's been the biggest thing
for us. It's just that like invisible sense of were tethered.
I love that. I do have a question though.
Yeah, you can ask me anything. Okay, nothing's offensive, like just I think, yeah, no, I.
Don't think it's offensive.
If Max wasn't contributing as much financially, if you were like making a significant amount more, he wasn't in a job where he was making a lot of money or like a comparable amount of money, do you think you would emerged.
So I say this because I think Max is fine with it, because we've talked, he's talked, he talked about this on our podcast. That is the case right now, Okay, I like he does. He does great for himself. I'm also in an incredibly lucrative business and fortunately having a lot of success. There's there's a big gap and I'm if we use the term breadwinner, that is me. But I think if I think about role reversal, like if Max had been you know, if Max, if the roles
were reversed. How would I feel if my husband was like, well, you're not worthy of being treated as an equal with me because you're not getting paid the same as me. Like even though I know he works really hard and he goes to his job and he has this amazing career path that I know it's going to become very fruitful for him, and then maybe I get canceled, maybe my brands don't want to work with me again, and
then the pendulum swings. So that's the part of like having you have to be really selfless and like any little bit of like like when he buys me something expensive, I could for sure think like, well you probably like would you have been able to buy me that if we didn't merge, Like it's my money. But I don't
view it as like that. I you really try to rid yourself with the ego and the comparison and just and then when the time in our life comes where it will where he's killing it and I'm struggling, that's where we're still killing it because we're in it together.
So that and that was a big part of the hesitation, Like I don't have him written on my company, like because that is where I'm like, like when I I'm like, you can see my bank accounts, I can see his bank accounts, and we move them into our family checking account. Do I want to change the legal paperwork that says his name is on my company that I run my business through. No, because he's not a part of my business,
and I have pride in that. But the money that I make for my business is our money, and the money that he makes from his business is our money.
I mean, I think that's I think that's incredibly beautiful. I think when you, I think, like choosing to move in the direction where you make that commitment to each other, I think I think that makes a lot of sense of like, I think, especially when you're on the same page.
I'm curious, sir, do you have an opinion on this?
Easton's the only other, like he's married, so I.
Think it's important to keep certain things separate, just for like, like my way, I've just bought this like vacation house, and she it's in her name completely, Like it's like sole and separate. We keep making jokes about it, like every time I fix a leak, it's like, hey, you know this is I have a vested interest in this house now. But I have no doubt that we're going to be with each other forever, but just you know, just in case, you know, who knows what could happen.
I think it's I think it's for and I love that Easton, and I think it's whatever works for every couple and I But I will say the most important thing is that each person in the relationship maintains the ability to make money. I think where you really create risk is if one person is not making money, especially it's usually the woman, and then if something does hit the fan, she has no opportunity. She can't seak of better her life, she can't take care of herself, she
can't move out. So I think both people being able to make money and have something to fall back on is super important. God forbid anything happened with Max tonight, I could change things and like, I would still get all my checks that are supposed to come in and they would come to me, and he would, you know, I think I don't think I would ever want to be in a situation where I had nothing coming in and was relying on his money personally, because I've seen
it go really ugly for couples. But I love that you asked easton his opinion, because I do think like there, I have no judgment. I'm sharing. Oh yeah, no, how I do it? I think each person has to figure
it out. But one thing I will say is when we went to when we went to our bank and met about all this stuff, the banker was like, ninety percent of the couples that we see, one or both of them have secret accounts the other doesn't know about, which was wild because he said something because it was something like if I asked a question about like my banking and the guy made a fac or an expression of like, well, this is a conversation we should have
when your husband's not in the room, and I'm thinking, I don't care. But then I was like, why do
you Why is that supposed to be confidential? And then we became you know, we're getting like little we're shooting with this banker a little bit and you know this is in like LA and he's like, well, he's like, you know, ninety percent of the couples we see, like someone always comes in alone to open up their secret, secret stash or something, which I just think is interesting, Like the level of that's really interesting, Like not like distrust,
but I think it's important. Like you're being a realist, right, Like, yeah, anything can happen to anyone, and and that's that's part of you know. I also think like when we say like in sickness and in health, like I've seen a variety of different relationships in my life, and people change. People are different from we're married at twenty five, people are
different at forty five. You know when you lose family and when you get fired and when like if I did if something terrible happened in my career and I didn't have the you know, cup filling energy I do now from social like who would I be? I don't know. So, yes, like you, you have to be realistic. But I think this is what allows us to feel the most synergy in our relationship, and I've been really happy with it.
I love that. I agree though.
I think it's like both people being able to come to an agreement on what whatever the choices that you make. But I also think because I was just having this conversation, this is why I asked you about this, Because I was just having this conversation a friend. Her friend is in this situation with her. He's her fiance. They're not married,
but she doesn't. She stays home with the kids and doesn't have and she isn't not in a good situation and would like to get out, but she's staying because financially, I mean, she doesn't have anything. And so it brought up the conversation of like being able to have your own you know, financial independence.
Yes, and then where does she even have the time to support herself when she's raising his kids too, That's what I'm saying. I've seen these interesting in social media things about like being paid by your spouse, like if you were staying home to take care of the kids, like getting some sort of monthly stipend, like recognizing like like I've just seen it. I'm bringing it up as a talking point, but like, what do you guys think of that?
There's people a contract.
Like you signed something where you're like, hey, I'm going to be raising our kids at home and you're.
Not even signing it. But let's say that, like let's say someone let's say someone was going to make seventy five thousand dollars in their job and they decide to stay home and raise the two kids who are under the age of three, that the other partner agrees, like, you know, will divide seventy five by twelve and each month, I'm gonna put that amount in your account because like that's the that's your payment for what you're doing. I've just seen that online.
One thousand percent.
I think that, Like, I think that the fact that that people because sometimes it's the husband or you know, depending on their situation, whoever's staying at home and raising kids is like, I think one of the hardest jobs anyone could do.
Oh insane. They said the amount of hours you spend breastfeeding is equivalent to a full time job or a part time do I forget, but like something insane.
It's crazy, and like yeah, like my sister has five kids. She just had a newborn. Yeah, and then she has four boys, so she has four boys and a newborn girl. And I'm like that job to me, and like keeping the house clean and laundry going is like totally.
The older I get, the more respect I have for that because I think, especially when I was younger in You two, the vibe, you know, there was that like those really sexists like just get in the kitchen, make a sandwich. Like it was very derogatory towards women and like really minimizing the rules that they do to keep the house and to keep the family. And the older
you get, you're like, that is so difficult. Like what you're doing, the amount of hours you're spending with the kids, you're doing, the laundry, you're cleaning, you're cooking, you're the scheduling, you're you're you're the executive assistant for five people. Like yeah, you know. And so I think, once again, like whatever you want to do, Like if someone told me I just I want to be a mother, I was put on arth to be a mother and raise my family,
good for you. And if someone else is like I don't want to have kids and I want to work and be in the business world, good for you. I think that's where I like the conversation to go is whatever you want to do, let's celebrate that and not judge it because we're not you.
And make sure that you're taking care of yourself so that you're not in a sticky situation where because you know.
Yeah, people get stuck and I've seen that too, just can't know where to turn.
I like to start about having like if both people are making money, and they're contributing, whether it's a joint account or separate whatever it is, if both people are in the process of attempting to make money. Because I know there's hard times when people are like you know, if they get like go or whatever. But yeah, I just think it's it's an interesting conversation because it's like you get just how like the people you interviewed on your podcast gave you two separate opinions, right.
And because we're getting so granular with this, I might just share one more thing, like Max. Max gets paid into his accounts, I get paid in my accounts. We can see each other's accounts, and then we move our money into a family account, so like you know, God forbid something happen, Like my account's not going into his wallet like when I get paid. You know, So as much as there's transparency and all, we have equal visibility.
Like it's not like when I make money from real pod, it goes into a place where Max can access it and spend it, like I take it and we put it in savings, and we put it in family checking and we put it in.
You know, for your future. Really it has fun all that stuff. Are there any other things like that. You're like, is there a sense of being more secure in your relationship since you got married? Like did you ever did you ever lack security in that and did you notice a shift?
I've always felt a lot of trust and security with Max, So no, because I feel like there there wasn't a huge difference in that. I love the fact that he has a ring.
I love that it's I like the lucky where Yeah, yeah for sure.
But no, I've always been super grateful to feel, you know, really secure.
Yeah, because I've had I know, I know people are like I don't even like I never experience feeling insecure in that way. But I did notice there was a shift when we got married that it was like, all right, it's the there's a commitment that's just different than anything else.
We'll say, I haven't even talked to Max about this, it's not that deep, but I think, like the summer before a wedding, I remember having like a like a few weeks or a month with like these in and out of thoughts of like wow, Like I'm like, did I like, did I have enough fun in my life?
I'm gonna be with one person forever?
Like, but then when I explore that thought. I'm like, I don't want to be with anyone but you, but I think definitely as you gear up for the wedding, you're like, wow, like, not that I haven't kissed anyone else for eight years, but Easton, maybe you feel this way, like the fact that your lips won't touch another human's lips except for your partner's lips, no matter who it is. You're like, WHOA, Like that's a commitment. Yeah, I had that thought.
I was like, oh, I wanted to see how I reacted when faced with that, and it was just pure and utter bliss.
I'm so glad.
You know right and exactly Like of course you have those so I can't say save. But when you have those anxious thoughts in your mind, that like tell you, like just like the crazy things like that you see in the movies or whatever, like you're gonna be have one person forever. Like we love the movie for Christmases, and you know how it's so funny in the opening.
Scene, they're like, are you guys getting married soon? If you like marriage, why would we do that? If you have one person have all these things like hanging That's like one of our favorite movies. But when I explore the thought, the thought further, No, there's no one else I'd rather go on a date with, spend time with, be intimate with, Like you know, it's like anything, it's change in life.
I think that's that to me, Like I very much feel that way with Haley, where I'm like I have I don't. I never feel like I'm missing out on anything. Yeah, And I feel like that's just the comfort of being with the right person totally, and not to say, like maybe you're with the right person you have those thoughts.
I don't know. I haven't experienced that.
I don't think, but I do think that that there's like peace in that, yes, totally, and like safety and knowing that like it's okay if this is the only person I kiss.
Do we talk about your new podcast? We talk about we have so much to talk about.
I would love to whenever fitting, But let's.
Take a break and then we'll come back and talk about all your podcasts.
All right.
So, as I mentioned before Victoria got here, she has her podcast called Real Pod. I actually think you were the first podcast I did after Haley and I went public with our relationship.
I know that was major I thank you for trusting me.
I didn't know I was gonna talk. You really have this sense.
Where, like I do feel like I talked a lot more on that than I like anticipated when I went in. But it was so comfortable. Anyone's such a hey, I got such a good response from people like that love you and listen to your podcast. So you are very known in the podcast world for Real Pod. But then you have a new podcast coming out with one of your best friends I do.
This is so exciting because I haven't talked about it. It's been a big secret. Basically, my best friend Aubrey and I and this is so funny. She's not a content creator. She works in real estate in San Francisco. Like she has no desire to like be in this life, but her and I read this amazing book in twenty twenty called A New Earth by Eckhart Toll and it's
actually one of Oprah's favorite books. It's an incredible book on the conscious versus the unconscious mind and really becoming aware to our ego and the voice inside of our head and kind of separating that to get more in tune with the present moment and our higher self and Aubrey and I read this book and we'd read a chapter and then we'd call each other and talk about it. And it's a really cool thing when you're working on self growth and one of your best buds is like
in it with you. You can have those conversations that you feel like have meaning you're not just gossiping about a friend or talking about something silly. And we read like half of it and then put it down and then decided to revisit it. But this time I was like, what if you know we're gonna call each other and discuss it anyways, can I just record it? And it's
only gonna it's ten chapters, ten episodes. I'll drop it in the real pod feed and anyone who is intrigued with this book wants to grow, you know, dive into themselves and explore their thought patterns and their you know, emotional habits and triggers, but also have like two besties they can listen to like go through it at the same time. I would love to give that to someone. So that's what we're doing. It's not picked up by a network, it's not anything major. It's literally a passion project.
And I'm really excited to see, like who's interested in buying the book and reading along and listening along.
I love that.
So you're just you're right now, you're doing this one book. That's the focus.
Correct, So we don't have a big plan. We're not sure like how it's gonna go. And we also I am such a perfectionist and everything that I do and I strategize, I think about the whole thing. So to just be like, you know what, We're gonna read one book. We're gonna review each chapter ten episodes, and then we'll freaking see like maybe we do another book, maybe we shift it, who knows, but this is what we feel
like really drawn to do at the moment. So it's this book and it's ten weeks, ten episodes, and yeah, we have no idea how it'll go.
That's really cool.
I want to read the I'm gonna pitch a setanya that that we can listen to.
It is amazing. It's literally I wish I brought it with me and I could read some stuff from it, but like essentially like at a high level if I had to explain, uh, and the book is so high level that Aubrey and I will joke We're like, you came for answers, we don't have them either, Like we're
just talking about you know what we thought. Our podcast is called so much to say because as I was as we explaining the book to one of our moms, Aubrey whispered to me, I have so much decide, like about the chapter being so juicy, and I was like, Bam, that's it. So much to say. It will be our name. But to give you guys a little bit more information on what this book is about. The author of the book is a renowned spiritual thought leader. He's one of
Oprah's favorite people, favorite authors. He actually wrote The Power of Now if you've ever heard about that book on presence, which is amazing as well. And he came across this work because he got to a place in his life where he was really depressed and he started thinking to himself, I can't live with myself anymore, and that would just repeat over and over, I can't live with myself anymore.
I can't live with myself anymore. And then one day it occurred to him, there's two people in that sentence. There's the I who can't live with the me. So who am I actually am I the voice and the thoughts that I have or the person in the awareness behind those thoughts. And so that's what the book is about,
is creating that separation between you and your thoughts. And actually, in one of the recent chapters, I read chapter five about the Pain Body, it gives this anecdote about a duck and it's called the Duck with a Human Mind, and it's this cute short story and it basically says, if you ever see ducks in a pond fighting, you know, they get into this their argument, they can't speak, they're clacking, they're cracking away, but they're like they look like they're
getting physical with each other. And then all of a sudden, like you know, the fight ends and they flap their wings and then like they swim off, and the pond looks completely calm, as if nothing ever happened there. And his point was, if the duck had a human mind, you know, the fight would end and then the duck would swim off. Oh, that stupid duck thinks he runs this pond. I run this pond. He was swimming too
close to me. He's gonna get it next time. I'm gonna go to all my other ducks, but he just did to me like, and that's what happens to us, and then we get trapped in this cycle of like negative thinking and negative thought patterns, and we need to be more like the ducks and just flap our wings
and like move on. Like for example, it was my anniversary and I didn't get a text shoeing me happy aniversary from someone I would have thought would have set happy anniversary, And so there goes there goes my thoughts. I can't believe this person to text me in a happy anniversary. That is so unthoughtful. I would have texted them. I probably would have sent them flowers. They could even text me, Like my mind is creating this, spinning this narrative.
And I took my deep breast and I'm thinking about this book, and I'm like, what do I know to be true? This person loves me, cares about me, and wants the best for me, period. They didn't text me for my anniversary. Period. Any storyline I'm adding to that is my ego is my ego voice creating some drama because it feeds on it. And then what do you know?
This morning, this person says, Hey, how was your weekend wanted to let you guys have the day yesterday, like tell me about your anniversary, you know, And I'm so glad I didn't go through this spirally yesterday. I wasted thirty minutes talking to Max about this person and text me and then call my mom. Can you believe? And waste an hour bitching because that's feeding that ego voice. So you know, that's how you can pull this really deep, intense book and make it apply to your everyday life.
And it's been transformative for me, and I hope you get it and you read along with us.
I don't know I'm talking to me or our listeners both, but everybody you're like absolutely.
It kind of reminds me. Have you read The Untethered Soul?
Yes?
Okay, So it's kind of.
That same thought. I haven't read it, but heard about it. Okay.
It's kind of the same thing of like your thoughts versus truth, yes, versus like what's happening?
Totally because I have internal.
Dialogue of like what I want to say, what I should say, what I'm gonna say? Twenty four to seven every conversation I go, do I say too much? Did I was? I I say something rude, like I'll probably overthink this podcast, like for you know, I do the same thing.
That's your ego voice, yes, trying to make you feel inferior or superior. That's another misconception is ego is just I'm better than everyone, like I'm the greatest. Ego is also oh my gosh, I shouldn't say anything because they're gonna hate the real me. Oh my god, I'm a piece of and I'm not worthy enough to be here. All of that is like your brain trying to create
a story that it can stick to. But another thing that he talks about in this book is the fact that words like us talking right now, it's vowels, ae, I owe you, it's consonants, fuck, uh suh whatever, cuh Okay, He goes, do you really think you could possibly communicate the meaning of life and your purpose on earth with a few made up sounds? Like no? So his point is like that when we sit here, like what's my purpose?
Who am I? We are trying to get an answer to something that we can't you know, And it's reconnecting to the breathing and just I'm just gonna be and who I am is just the essence of me in this moment and not any other labels I attached to it, or how I compare myself to others. That's your ego, trying to figure something out that it will never figure out.
Wow, I know that is so fascinating.
I mean, it's so it's so true, like how often we do that, and how much time we spend wasting spiral like spiraling and making up scenarios, and like how relationships are hindered by those thoughts totally and it's one sided totally. You were having a full one sided destruction zone. Yeah, and then the person's like, I just wanted to give you space to enjoy your weekend together.
Totally fully, And I'm so but and so I'm glad that I didn't do the disrection. I read my book and I and I remember, don't add storyline, and like it was funny how I was proved this morning, like why that was the right thing to do.
It's amazing.
I love that.
Yeah, I'm I'm honestly gonna get the book and join in for the listening for the recas.
And we were joking, we're like it's kind of like a TV show. We're like, just get through the first two episodes, cause three, four, five, those are juicy, Like it goes a while to warm up because it is such a deep book, like you're you're pouring out your ugly, like my ugly of like what I even just said, like I was bitching like whatever. People might be thinking, oh my god, this girl, like no one's supposed to take Like we're putting ourself out there to be judged.
And I think it took us like the chapter one, chapter two recap to then recapping the third chapter four chapter We're really being like, you know, this is my ugly, this is my ego, and hoping that by that point people who are that far in the book like won't judge us.
Yeah, yeah, they're like maybe once they get to there, they're like, oh yeah, my, I know my ego.
Was it doing too much work? Yeah?
When you said you said earlier you're a perfectionist. Did did that come through sports? And has that always been part of your personality or was that something that came with Like I feel like something changes when you go from I wasn't a.
College athlete, but I was a high school athlete.
But I feel like there's a huge shift when it goes from high school to college, that's just like another level of pressure, and I mean ultimately perfectionism, because there's a lot riding on the line at that point.
Yes, I definitely think that college is where there was like a magnet fine glass on it. And I truly felt like if I was late, I picked up in the entire team was running and that ruined my whole Tuesday and I let everyone down, Like certainly the stakes got to a level of high that I'd never experienced before. But growing up, I just grew up in a town where you just achieved, like you achieved. That was what
we did. It was a very pressure cooker community. I grew up privileged and at a school that was basically like you know, could have been a It's like an you know, an ivy feeder type of situation, like you just need to be a star on your sports team, and then you need to be four point zero taking AP classes, and then you also need to be you know, doing community work and building houses and going to the
shelter like it was. I just I just always grew up in this environment of achieve My parents never put pressure on me to be that way, and I know they would have loved me no matter what if I failed. It was never like I won't receive my parents' love. And I know that's usually where people go with that. It was truly just like I succeed and everyone here succeeds,
and you want to succeed the most. And yeah, and then I think in college I just reached like my wits end almost and then that's where I kind of broke down with anxiety and depression.
That's when you did your TED talk, And that's like kind of what we're sparked, like the conversation around you and bringing awareness to the pressure because I felt like after I watched your TED Talk and we had you on the podcast, I felt like, all of a sudden, I was hearing these stories about these college athletes and the mental health and yeah, it's a it's a like crisis.
It is definitely a crisis. And I think the most unique thing for me now is feeling so far from that girl that I was. But that gives me the hope and the inspiration to communicate that to the current athletes who might feel like this is my entire world.
Like I mean, even when you think about, you know, the very unfortunate amount of suicides that occur in student athletes, the fact that where they may be thinking like this situation will determine if my life is worth living, you know, And who's to say you can't be in someone's brain, And oftentimes when you're experiencing that sort of depression, you can't think clearly being where I am now, It's like, I want to show that there is so much for
you beyond this game and this position and this championship and this bubble that I know you're in and you feel like everyone cares about it and everyone's watching you.
But guess what, there's millions of people in China who don't know you and don't care about you, and like that could be a negative, like oh my god, these people don't know me, they don't care about you, or it's like, oh my god, no one cares, like who gives up, like you know, and so it's like that's I kind of want to like shake the shoulders a
little bit. And I hope now that I'm doing almost such different stuff and I'm not so tied to the sports world, I think current athletes are like whoa, like, what could I go on to like enjoy doing or pursue with my life that isn't sports relationship.
Yes, yeah, I that's funny because anytime I would get in my head about something, like I think specifically, I remember before Haley and I came out, and I would think like, oh my gosh, like I'm gonna if people
are like mean about it or negative or whatever. There would be comfort in being like no one cares, Like like in my mind, I'm like, no one cares as much about this as you care about it, you know, And like that brought me comfort because like I guess some people would be like, oh dang, no one, no one cares. But I found comfort and like literally, Becka, no one cares about this more than you.
Well, I was thinking on that note, like whenever you see some major breaking celebrity news, you're like whoa, and you like maybe send it to a friend. You look at it, and then you put your phone down, and like you look around and everyone's living their life. Time doesn't stop because someone got canceled or like did something. Yeah, but I will say to any like athletes Listening or athlete scrubbers. And The Hidden Opponent is a charity that I founded with a community of people who are like
leaning on each other and talking about these things. So I also love that that still lives on and is a place where that like, even though I feel like I'm in a different place, the athletes of today who are going through whatever they're going through, can have a platform to share and be heard.
I mean, it's amazing.
It's like you started something and created a community, and even though maybe you are in a different place in your life, you have you can look back on it. You have a voice now of being like, hey, it gets better, this isn't yeah, how life is forever. And also there's a space for people who are in the thick of it, totally and totally in it.
And I think whenever I think, people just want to be heard. And I love the fact that if someone is an athlete in school and they're struggling or they want to share their experience and find people who relate, like we do that, like we are happy to give you a platform and a voice. Because I don't know, had I not had the spontaneous opportunity of a lifetime to audition for Ted that happened to be at my school the semester, I was feeling like the stars aligned
and I was ready to talk about it. I don't know what I have ever shared my story in that way? Who knows.
Do you feel this sense of pressure of like needing to be vulnerable and relatable in social media? Like do you sometimes feel like, oh, I feel like I share so much like but that's kind of where like, that's I think why people love you is the sense of like you talk about real things. You're talking I mean, your podcast is called real Pod and you have a hashtag called real Post.
And that's like why people follow you.
But do you ever feel this sense of pressure of like I need to be vulnerable and open about this. But this is a really hard time. I'm going through such a good.
Question, and I feel like every year I learned something new about out where I stand with both being relatable and being vulnerable. I think if I start with the relatable piece, I think I've done a lot of work in recognizing my privilege and that I'm not relatable to everyone, and that has been a really hard pill for me
to swallow. Just you know, of course, you want to relate to everyone, and you want to think that you're just like everyone, and honestly, just even reading a New Earth like, all humans are the same and we share something in some way, and that's I think we all suffer and that's what unites this as human. But I have to have the perspective to recognize the much greater suffering another person has in their body than I do
in mine. So I think, you know, especially since twenty twenty, like swallowing that pill of I'm not relatable to everyone and acknowledging that has been a major thing. It's also very difficult for me because I want everyone to like me and to see themselves in me, and that's not reality,
and so that's something I've worked on. I also think, like on a personal note, allowing myself to do what I want to do and like even just post more about fashion and my outfits, and then the voice in my head being like, oh my god, all the athletes are going to be like this girl used to be such an inspiring athlete and now she just all she cares about is what she airs. Like That's what my
anxious thought will say. But it's like, but this makes me happy right now, and it brings me joy, and I'm not gonna be myself because I'm gonna hold on to this version of me that I think other people like. So you know, that's been my work there with the relatability piece, and then I think with the vulnerable aspect. I never have ever shared anything like the moment to day it happens. I'm always like a week, two weeks in it past it to be able to even formulate thoughts.
You don't want to share something with the world and be so fragile that when they, you know, respond or
comment hate, like you're susceptible to that damage. And then I think there's a piece of especially now with where I'm at, some people don't want to be put on my Instagram and they don't want to be publicized, and I might have an issue with them that I would love to share what I've learned from it, but that involves revealing what they're going through with them, so I can't do that, which is about but of course I respect that. So I think, you know, I'm always trying
to navigate it the best that I can. I think I've been pushing myself to explain myself a little bit less. I'm the people pleaser in me manifest through explaining, Like even if we go back to being late today, I'm so sorry I'm late, Like you know, there was a I had to get gas, which is true. And then I'm like, and then we couldn't find your studios, Like I'm telling you every little reason and why we were late?
Why am I doing that? Like I can just say I'm so sorry I was late, period, Like I don't need to justify or try to explain so that it hits you a little less. And I feel like I do that with my audience, Like even going to Taylor Swift twice, I was super self conscious. Like I said, I got invited to go two other times. I could have gone four times. Yeah, I didn't, honestly, be the greater reason was because I didn't want the backlash of
you went three times, you went four times. I was already getting people being like I can't believe you went twice. I can't even get a ticket. So I feel like in that situation, I'm like, well, I really wanted to go because I'm a big fan, so I bought my ticket and yes, I bought my ticket and I spent a lot of money and like yes, and then you know what, I got invited and what am I gonna say? Notice? Like why am I doing that, I should just live my freaking life. And if I wanted to go four times,
I could have accepted those invites. So of course I'm still trying to grow. I don't know, do you feel like you have to explain yourself all the time?
I do, But I'm I feel like I'm working through not having that mentality. Because Tanya brought that up. She was like, are people gonna be upset that we went twice? And I was like, Tanya, I can't live my life like we can't live our life like that.
I mean, I wish that.
Believe me, if I could have bought a whole arena for everyone that I know to get to experience, that I would have done in a heartbeat. But I said yes to two invites, and I was like so excited, and I got to bring because I went the second night with the brand, I got to bring one of my best friends who's like the biggest swifty, who didn't have a ticket. So it's like, yeah, I could over
explain myself. But then it's like you you could say, oh, but I bought my tickets the first night, and the people go, well, aren't you so lucky that you could have to buy this ticket.
It's like, you never.
Can fully explain yourself to make everyone happy exactly.
But then I think about too, I would never ever, like, you know, be negative towards someone else who got to experience something with their life. So then you also have to recognize, like, why am I putting value to the opinions of someone who clearly I don't like respect the way they're going about this, because I would just never
do this. So I'm working on explaining myself less. Like even the days I don't post as much on Instagram, I used to be like, hi, sorry because blah blahlah, I'm just like, no, why am I giving an explanation that I own no one for what I decided to do with my day. So I'm working on that. It's very hard for me, but my motto is it's okay to be misunderstood, and I keep trying to come back to that, So okay to be misunderstood. People aren't always
gonna get you. They're not going to know your intentions and they're not gonna like you, and that's okay, and you're not always gonna get that for other people.
Totally. I think about there was I just will never forget.
When I was on The Bachelor, I saw this quote on I was like, probably dark and searching quotes because that's what I like to do, find quotes that I can I passive aggressively put up on Instagram. But anyways, I found this quote and it was like, it's something like you can be the juiciest, ripest peach on the tree, and there's still someone who doesn't like peaches.
And I was like, you.
Know what, Like I could be the best version of myself. I could never make a mistake, I could be likable, funny, all the things, and there could still be someone who just doesn't like me.
Yeah, for no reason.
Wait, I love that and I love that you love quotes. And another one on this on this is two things. One, people can only meet you as deeply as they meet themselves. I love that. Yeah, It's like it's not a reflection of you, it's it's how deeply they can meet themselves. And then the second is most people don't even know themselves. Why does it matter what they think of you? Yeah, and I love that one well.
Dixas I was I've had this conversation on the podcast of like when you go to therapy and like you start becoming aware of things that you need to work on.
It is work like.
It is not like you go to therapy and all of a sudden you're fine, Like if anything, like going to therapy is like a lot of work, and like self reflection, it's not fun, it's not comfortable. And I think people think like, oh, I go to therapy, I'm all good. But to me, I find it to be like the most annoying thing is like when I become aware of the things that I do in my habits
and whatever. And so I feel like if you get to this sense of awareness of being able to be empathetic and listen to people and see people for who they are, then you're able to understand when they're hateful or negative because they haven't done that work on themselves.
And it's a lot of work.
It's so much easier to focus on other people than yourself.
And I think I've also been taking that because it's so on point and adding the challenge of like no one can make me feel a certain way. I choose how I'm going to react and thinking about like another quote I love is be slow to anger and abounding and kindness, and you know, something happened the other day where honestly I realized someone betrayed me, And an old version of me would have been like, so mad, let's confront this, Let's make them feel bad, Let's be dramatic
and say something and then ghost whatever. And I literally just was like be slow to anger and abounding in kindness and like, never fully react until you've thought about their situation, their intentions, and their perspective. And it's like, I can see why this person did this, because you know, they thought that this is how everyone was gonna achieve happiness, and like you know, and and then I just I
breathed through it and it didn't bother me. And I didn't pick a fight, and I know this thing and I never even brought it up because I feel like I did the work in my head. I don't even need to have a conversation with this person. I did it all, like you know. And I was like, do so to anger and abounding kindness.
You pat yourself in the bat and back was like jes A psycho. No, I'm like what, okay, okay, we're wrapping up. What's the book of that you're going to recap on?
So much to say a New Earth by Eckhart Toll and you can purchase that wherever. And if you can't afford a copy, DM me okay, okay, love that.
And then and where can they DM you at?
Victoria Brown on Instagram? Yep, with any at the end and TikTok right, yep, everywhere is Victory Brown. And then my podcast is called real Pod and that's where you can find Becca's episode if you want to rewind. I've also had Tanya and so much to say is going to drop in there for the next ten weeks.
When when does that officially come out?
It comes out this Friday. But this Friday is an intro episode, so we're going to talk more about what we're doing. You have all the time to order read the first chapter because next Friday will be the first.
Breakay okay, so next Friday is the first recap episode.
Great, So I'm like, not us giving everyone a signed reading in August, Like, did we not think of a better launch month? It's fine, yeah, just like the Yeah, they're starting school.
All the parents are like, great, here's another book you have to read.
But also this one is joy I'm so cited.
I think I think it's really I think it's gonna be something that I really enjoy, and I'm gonna really try to be like diligent and stay on track with your.
Podcast FaceTime or call me whenever we can also dish on it.
Yeah, I'll just be like, hey, so I just read that chapter. Thank you so much for filling in for Tanya and coming on the podcast in studio.
Thanks for having me. It's been enjoy miss Tanya. But honored to you know, come here.
I love you, I love what you do, and I feel honored to call you a friend.
So thanks for being.
I feel the same way Easton, thank you to you