Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap an iHeartRadio Podcast.
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in scrub a dub dub.
You know, someone mentioned to me the other day or not, actually they didn't even mention it to me, to mention it on like ab scrubbing in video about how annoyed they were by like my headphones were like twirled and swirled and like up like this like the whole episode. And so now I'm like a little bit like aware of my my headphone situation.
When they're twirled and swirled, it.
Just doesn't strip. Yeah, so I'm just gonna fix myself and then we're good.
Thank you for all the people who.
Pointed that out. Yeah, now it's like nice and gorgeous. Wow.
We couldn't have started episode without that. No, I agree hitting that.
God addressed the elephant in the room.
Ye. I was gonna say something of the loss of podcast, but it was all, you can't get the twisties.
No, no, you get the twisties.
Come back stronger, huh like some mo biles. She got the twisties and she came back stronger. Oh yeah, fought through it, that's right.
Did you know that our dear friend Taylor Banks did a tweet. Yes, and it's like gone viral, Yeah, talking about how Simon Biles is proof.
That taking mental taking time for your mental health makes you stronger, not weaker.
Yeah.
Yeah, proud of her, me too. I saw I saw her any Hale post it.
I've seen it everywhere, oh yeah, just like because it was it went on like one of those viral Instagram accounts you know that.
People reshare a lot. Yeah, so I've just seen it all over the place.
It was really exciting because Taylor posts a lot of really funny stuff a lot of the time, and like this was just like a sincere, beautiful thing, you know.
But it's so true too, Like it's like so true. She literally is proof that taking time for amount of health makes you stronger, because everybody thinks it makes.
You it's like weak to be like, right, it's not weak.
It's not weak at all.
No, it's not weak at all. So today we have speaking of not weak. Sometimes you just need advice and that's not weak to ask for advice.
No, it's actually shows strength.
And that's what today's podcast is for.
Dear Bonia. So Mark is still in the chief state. He's in Wisconsin. And is it called the Cheese State or do I have I just made that up?
No, I think it is. It's like a nickname. Okay, it's like Becca.
The technical nickname is the Badger State. But I think they're so associated with cheese, you know you can call it the cheese State.
The land of Cheese.
Mark is there anyway, So he is not in the o R with us, so you know he will be back, but in the well. In the meantime, Easton's taking over dear Bonnia.
That's right, everybody. It's a big responsibility, but I'm proud to do it. These are all from anonymous, so I'm not going to announce who they're from because I don't know. We'll do the first one here. I've been listening to your podcast for over four years now, and I love you.
Both.
Me and my best friend have almost the same life stories going on as you both. I am in a closeted relationship with a woman and my best friend is in a complicated relationship with a man with three kids. Sometimes ask myself if I manifested this for us from listening to your podcast. Question for Becca, what made you sure that going public, including telling your family with Haley was worth it. In question for Tanya, how did your relationship with Robbie go from complicated before your breakup to
where you are now? What were your ultimatums to Robbie? Thanks so much.
That's so funny.
If you listen to this podcast, you too may end up with a woman or a man with the kids.
Yeah, but if you think about it, like it is very interesting and I think it's funny that she said. I think we manifested it, but it's very much a reality.
Like yeah, well, I mean, especially like I I really think that when you when you get to a certain age, people are in different life phases, where like at the age you are, a lot of the guys that you were dating were either formally married or had kids. So I think that's just just a product of and in my case, you just never know never I.
Know, you know actually how I think I probably shouldn't say this because I don't know.
Wow a tease.
Well, somebody posted a picture kissing a girl and so everybody was like, oh, she is this like a hard launch. She's coming out Maya jama She's the host of Love Island UK.
Mm hmm, I don't know, she's kissing a woman like on like here, like, oh, I feel like British people kiss, do they? Yeah, they like sometimes greet people kissing on the lips. So yeah, I don't know, hard to.
Know, hard to know.
Happy for her either way.
Same.
Okay, So the question that I was asked was what made you sure that going public, including telling your family with Haley, was worth it?
Okay, so.
My I telling my family. I actually didn't get to tell my family. Someone else told my family, like my parents. Oh right, yeah, so I didn't get to do that, And I don't know. It's kind of one of those things where at the moment I was like so angry because I felt like that should have been mine to share with them and do it all my time and how I wanted to do it.
But on the other side, it was kind of like ripping off a band aid.
So like in hindsight, I can look back and be like, what it happened, It's done.
I don't, you know, think about it anymore. And so that was very hard.
But again I didn't make that decision. So I don't really have advice on that because I don't know when how long I would have waited to do that. I think it was hard being someone who's on social media and posting with people speculating, and then if people that I knew saw it, how it wouldn't get back to my family and then stir the you know, bring up
the conversation. Because what happened was I was at Taylor Swift's concert in Boston where Haley came out and performed her song Curious with her, and I was.
My mom knew that I was.
I had told her I'm oh, I'm going to see Haley and she was like, who is this girl? And so she texted me and I was in Haley's dressing room or green room, and Haley was with Taylor Swift, and so Haley's mom was there, and Haley and her mom were in Taylor Swift's dressing room with Taylor and her mom, and then I was in Haley's green room and I was like looking at all the videos I took.
I was like, this is the coolest thing ever.
And my mom texted me and she was like, is do you like Haylee more than a friend?
I remember this, and then at the same.
Time, Haley's security guard came to get me and he was like, hey, Haley, I mean Taylor wants to say hi, So like come, you know, come with me to her dressing room. So I'm having these two like massive things happen that are so different. Like I'm like, I have to call my mom, and also I'm gonna go, say, go meet Taylor Swift. Right, So I went in to her dressing room and she was so kind and warm and it was such a great experience. But like all I could think about was like, I need to go
call my mom. So I went on to Haley's tour bus and called.
Chit chatting with Taylor Swift In the back of your mind, you're just thinking about that textures.
Oh my gosh. Yes, I'm so such a crazy situation.
And like I feel, you know those people that can like truly genuinely block things out in the moment, like if they need to, like let's say you needed to perform, or let's say you were going on stage, or let's say you needed to like be in that moment like you're meeting Taylor Swift. Don't you wish you were that person that could just like block that out and like really be present.
I think anything else I could have blocked out.
I think it was specifically that was a that was just something I couldn't block out entirely. But so I called my mom and it was a really difficult conversation, honestly, and again it wasn't on my term, so that also made it harder. But to answer your question, I think when I went public that was four years later because I met Haley in April and then my family found out in July, and so that was, you know, the public thing came.
Four years later.
And what really sparked it was I was reading Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo And if you've read the book, then this will make sense to you. But I remember I got to the end of the book and I had this moment where I was like, I cannot live my life not sharing the most like special, meaningful thing
that I've ever experienced. Like I'm going to live my life worried about what other people will think and not sharing something that's so incredibly valuable to me due to what other people might say or think or like due
to their expectations of me. And that was like a huge moment where there was a shift for me and how I how I thought about our public, our relationship being public, and I remember thinking thinking about all the people I had in my life that loved us so much and loved our love and celebrated us and supported us, and I thought.
I have such a huge.
And also thinking about the podcast listeners, like think about the scrubbers, knowing that a ton of them knew about me and Hay, we're so respectful. We're respectful, and also I knew that they loved me and we're gonna just wanted me to be happy, and so like I had this moment where I was like kind of taking like literally taking an assessment in my mind of like all this support system that I had that I knew that
I had, and thinking, am I happy with this? Like if this is all, if everyone else doesn't support me and walks away and is negative about this, does this feel like enough? And I finally was like, yes, it feels like I have enough, and like I will get an new a new group of people who love me and support me for the ones who leave, And I think that was what it was.
I just felt ready to share.
Like in my mind, I thought, why should I not get to share this? Why do other people get to share their love and get to feel celebrated, and I feel like I can't do it, you know, So that
was a shit for me. It just felt worth it, and Haley the whole time fell worth it, like I never once I remember I've said this so many times, but I remember when I met her thinking the direction I could go, Like if I ignored this and didn't go through with falling in love with this person and seeing where it could go, I would literally think about her forever, like, and I thought, how how unfair to somebody else if I marry a man?
And I'm always like, what could have happened?
You know?
The crazy thing is that so many people do that, I know, so then they're because they can't they just like can't accept themselves. So they're like, it's just easier for me to go this other path.
I know, And I think that's why. Obviously, you know, people are always like, it's so important that what you're doing talking about your relationship, but people like Hailey, like being someone who was kind of one of the first to do it in her industry and talk so openly about loving herself and who she loved, is so incredibly valuable, And I just I am happy that I get to be a part of that for people.
So sorry that was a long answer, but it is a great answer.
It's a great answer, And I think just it's like, you know, I think sometimes you I don't know if you feel maybe like oh it doesn't matter, but like it matters so much because I think that a lot of people have those same thoughts, but they're too scared to yeah, to live their life that way, I know, and it should.
It sucks that it is scary, you know. It sucks that it's scary.
Love. We think like we're in twenty twenty four. I also think we're in a bubble being in La Yeah, And so for us it's like, of course, you know how like you told me you made out with Hailey and I was like, oh, like I was more excited than like shocked. Yeah, right right. And I think that we're in a bubble, and the more we talk about it, the more that we share, the better. I think the bubble is just going to get bigger, you know, and then it's going.
To burst, wow, burst with comfetti.
Yeah.
Yeah, So that's how I knew it was worth it.
Wow.
I get so emotional when I hear this I know.
I can barely look at you when I talk about it.
I don't want to cry.
It's just so I don't know, okay, because like like you just said, like I I I could just be who I am because you know, I'm a cisgendered white male. Everything like the world's made for me and I it breaks my heart and it makes me so devastated when I think about people that can't live like that. Yeah, and just like having to make that decision and do that, it's it's incredible. I applaud you, I'm and I'm I'm just excited where we're headed as a society. I want that bubble to burst.
I do too. I get bigger, it just gonna get bigger. The minute you talked about it, the bubble got bigger, and the minute another person talks about it, the bubble gets bigger, and then it just gets bigger and bigger.
So there you go, Anonymous.
I think that helped, Yeah, I'm sure.
I hope it helps somebody. And how did you know about Robbie?
Oh uh? I think dating somebody with children is just complicated in and of itself, and I think that for us. I think that Robbie had preconceived notions of certain things, like he put parameters around relationships that he was going to have in his life that just didn't work in reality. And I think a lot of people do that. They want to protect their kids. They and people judge everyone for everything, like oh, you introduced your kids to them
so flippantly, and like that's so irresponsible. But it's like, if that's what's working for this person, then like that's working for you know. Like some people want their kids to meet somebody right away to see if they mesh.
And I think Robbie's thing was like I don't want my kids to meet anyone unless until I'm engaged, and that was kind of like his thing, and I'm like it got to a point where I was just like it's just not realistic, you know, like you have to see if there's a relationship there and how they how me and the kids interact, and it comes from a place of a loving place and wanting to protect ultimately, and so it was like I never really fought it that hard, but I think it got to a point
where it had been like several several I was ready. I knew he was the one, So I was like, at what point, like, you actually can't propose to me until I meet your children.
Yes, I didn't realize that was one of his rules.
I feel like he definitely, I definitely told you that I had to get engaged.
I thought he meant just knowing that you were going to be the one. He that until he knew someone was the one. I didn't know it was like till he got engaged.
Yeah, it was like to be like, kids, I want you to meet someone you're a new mom the parents.
Yeah, I mean maybe it could have been what Becca said.
I think it was.
I think you were like, he doesn't want to introduce him until he unless he knows it's the one.
Yeah.
Yeah, right, that seems more logical.
Yeah, I don't think he and that doesn't feel protective proposing to someone after putting a ring on it.
Yeah. So I think that there was a lot of that. And I also think everybody has different like levels of comfortability. Like I get messages all the time people asking me like, when's the appropriate time to meet somebody's kids, And I always say, like, it's it's such a personal decision, like somebody could you could meet somebody's kids after a week and some people go the route of saying this is you know, mommy's friend whatever, like daddy's friend. We never
did that route. It was always like this is Tanya, this is my girlfriend. Like we never played that friend game, but some people do and like that's the way like easing their you know. It's like, I just think it's
such a personal choice. So I think for your friend that's dating the the man with three kids, you just have to kind of like listen to where they are, respect that decision because it is their kids, but also come to a middle ground and like a compromise, because I think that's been like the biggest thing with Robbie and I is like, if he has one hard stance and I have another hardstance, how do we like meet in the middle. And I think that's also really important.
So I feel like we did. Obviously we met in the middle because we did not get engaged before I met the kids. But it was a really long time. I didn't meet them until like nine months in and then you broke up, and then it broke up, yeah, but then you got back together and then we got back together.
But I think it was a I mean I think there was a lot of conversations and heard conversations, Yeah, because you were like, I'm ready to meet the kids.
Like let me.
Three months.
I was like, and it's like that this is this is where I stand on this. So there was like a go hud, go ahead, a lot of cosas.
And I think it was an interesting time, and I think the pandemic did play a role because we just got so comfortable being in like our small little bubble. It's just like the two of us, you know what
I mean. And then when he was leave, he was with the kids, and then when he wasn't with the kids, he was with me, right, And so we were kind of in that phase for a long time that I don't think would naturally have been there if we weren't in like lockdown, that's true, you know what I mean, Like that would have been more instances for me to meet them and like more like the gatherings, whereas there was you know, four or five months in that span
where it was like nobody was seeing each other, nobody was doing anything. So it just kind of made it easier to stay in like that little like bubble, right, which probably worked out for how he was feeling. He was feeling, Yeah, and it didn't make me feel weird because I was like, I'm not seeing anybody else, you know what I mean. Like it just kind of made
it easier for both of us, I think. But once everybody started seeing each other again and like life started kind of slowly coming back to normal and ready, yeah, let's go.
Yeah, I agree. I think it's such a personal thing.
And I think it's like it's dependent on the kids, It's dependent on the situation.
How long have they been separated, you know, Like it's just it's so complicated. And I don't think I ever gave him like ultimatums. I don't think I was just like ultimatum is such like a tricky word. I think I was very blunt about my expectations and my wants and desires. But I never was just like, okay, you introduced me the kids tomorrow, or I'm out.
I think there are a few of those moments, really I heard. I don't know if you told him, but you told me I did. Yeah, like if certain things didn't happen by a certain time.
You were out in the beginning or like the whole time. Oh, maybe I was subconscious. Maybe maybe it was just invented to me because I was like, I feel like ultimatums are very tricky because I think I did that.
I think having a boundary for yourself is I don't think that's a bad I think ultimatums are. I think ultimatums are always presented negatively. But I think having a boundary for yourself or being like, hey, like this is the timeline that I'm you know, you know, you were ready to get engaged early on, and yeah, and you waited longer than you.
Initially planned to.
Or I would have liked or you would have liked.
Right, But I'm saying like, I also think if you're kind of.
Like, hey, you know, should get off the pot, like sorry, it's the.
Oh my gosh, I just came right out, Becca. We have a PG program here and I was inspired by your languages.
But yeah, I think that you can have boundaries for yourself and it doesn't it doesn't have to be like if you don't do this, I'm out. But I think it can be like, hey, this is my expectation. Just to give your heads up, rh Bro, he came around, but Anonymous, I feel very hopeful for both you and your best friend and I hope that all the things work out that to bring you happiness.
Me too. I think there's pros and con to every relationship. I really do. I think there's pros and cons to There's pros to dating a man with kids, there's consudating a man with kids. There's pros edating a woman, there's consudating a woman. There's pros to dating someone who's never been married, that's in their fifties or sixties, and then there's cons with that, you know what I mean, like
somebody being so stuck in their single ways. So it's just like there's pros and cons to every relationship.
It's pretty I mean, it's pretty amazing. Like relationships in general are pretty amazing to be able to make them work because we are all so complexant and we are raised different and we think different, we see the world differently, So finding someone to work through those differences with is what I was.
Just having this conversation with a friend of mine the other day because she's so, what's the word strict or not strict, but with ending up with the Jewish man, and I'm just like wanting to wanting a Jew like that was like her thing Jewish man, and and I was like, that was my on my list for many years, Christian man, and like, look who I ended up with, you know, like and she's you know, she was just like I just don't think that I could see myself
having a Christmas tree or like celebrating Christmas. And I was like, you could very much find the Catholic or a Christian or not Jewish any you know, like non Jewish person that doesn't want to have a Christmas tree or doesn't want to celebrate Christmas, you know what I mean, Like, I just I don't think those two things have to be one and the same.
But here's I think that you were willing, Like I think you were looking for someone who like child. I think you had other things on your list, and I think you were willing to be open to learning about a new religion and culture and like that was very much your personality of like welcoming that. And I think some people and I think it's okay to want someone
who has like certain core things. Your core value was to be like respectful and open to anyone and everyone, and it's like the beauty of your spirit and who you are as a person, right, But I do think it's okay to like seek out Like if she's like, I just I want the ease of being with someone who's Jewish, totally.
I forget that, or if it's that important the belief in the Yeah that's what that is so important. But I think it was the It was the sentiment of like, I can't see myself with a Christmas tree or I can't see myself celebrating Christmas. And I was like, that's not synonymous with what you're looking for. Do you know what I mean? Just because somebody is not isn't Jewish doesn't mean that they celebrate Christmas or want to or want to have a Christmas tree, you know what I mean?
Yeah, she might end up buying ornaments for someone.
I just think we put a lot of restrictions. I mean true that we don't necessarily when you think it through, like shed never thought of it that way. She was like huh, because I was like, is it that you like? What is it? You know? When she's like, well, I do I want to celebrate the holidays and all the Jewish holidays, and I go I celebrate all the Jewish holidays with Robbie. Mm hmm.
You know it's finding someone who respects.
Right, She's like, I'd never thought about it that way, and I was like, let's take that little restriction off your dating app.
Then I know we're all programmed and like ingrained to like think we have a certain type of person we're supposed to be with.
You're such a Charlotte. It's so interesting, just such a Charlotte. And it's like so interesting. How much like your journey parallels hers.
It's crazy.
Huh yeah, I mean you didn't have the whole McDougal situation.
But right, no, actually never had a situation like that.
You are so sure. I'm kind of ready for it, and just like that, I'm ready to hate watching me too.
Is it out?
I think it's coming, it's coming. Did you see the fake filming notices that they had. Someone was putting up like notices they're filming and just like that, but they had the plot. They had fake plot lines like I'm gonna try and pull one up, like like Carrie is having lunch and like all of her teeth keep falling out and look stuff like that. Anyway, I'm excited. I'm excited for that too. But we have so many more letters here.
Shall we?
Take a bird.
I think we probably should in twenty four minutes.
I think it's a legal thing. We have to take a break.
We're back, We're back.
Okay, Oh no, she's choking.
Okay, she's back.
That was a long we really that was an in depth, thorough answer.
You know, it felt deep.
Sometimes they hit like that. Sometimes they hit Sometimes there's something to say.
And there was a lot to say.
There's a lot to say, so so you know, if you pour your heart into a question and we brush right by, sorry, that's going. Let's do another one. Also from anonymous. My best friend has really low self esteem. But she is the kindest, smartest, funniest person you could ever meet. Two exclamation points on top of that, she's absolutely gorgeous, but she cannot see any of it. She can barely look at herself in the mirror at times,
and it's heartbreaking. The other day she told me that when we were talking about life, she said, in a laughing off kind of way, nobody would want this, while pointing to herself. I think it stems from her brother, who would say very unkind things to her throughout her childhood and adult life. It feels like she's accepted that she's not going to find anyone ever, and she has given up. I tell her how great of a catch
she is, but it falls on deaf ears. How can I help her see herself for who she is and what she is? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Love the podcast so.
Sad.
Yeah, I hate that.
I think that you are doing what you can do as a best friend, which is remind her of how wonderful she is, spend time with her, lift her up. I think sometimes we I know that sometimes we try to. I do this sometimes where I try to fix things that someone else's problems or what they're going to My brain goes like, how can I fix it?
What can I do? And unfortunately, the truth is that that's gonna be something she's gonna have to find in herself. Like as kind of like know corny as it sounds like, that's such a deep rooted issue that no one on the outside or external is going to be able to fix for her.
I know some I have two ideas that I think could help. Again, I know it's gonna sound cheesy, but I used to do this stuff and it worked. But like writing the post it notes and like putting them up in the kitchen, the bathroom, whatever, like whatever I was lacking or feeling bad about, I would write the opposite on a post it and just kind of always look at it. And I think there's just something subconsciously when you're looking at something day in and day out
that just like starts to seep in. I think it just I do believe in that power of that. So maybe you can, like I don't want to tell you, just have her do it, because then it's almost like maybe do it with her, like suggest that you guys do it together and put them up and like you do yours and then she does hers, and like you do it together, but it's like your own personal things. So that could be something that maybe is helpful helpful
to her. And I don't know if your friend goes to therapy, but I do feel like therapy would really like help in that way because she would be able
to kind of get through. And I don't I think suggesting therapy to somebody because I think you can say in a very nice way, like I think you have such a negative opinion about yourself, and like you don't see yourself the way that I see you, And I feel like maybe if you went and talked to somebody, you could really get to the root of that, because it's such a shame, Like it makes me sad that you don't see yourself the way that I see you and see everything that you have to offer, and you
are such an amazing catch, and I think that if you really talk to somebody, you could kind of unpack these all the insecurities and these things that have been flooding you for your entire life.
Yeah, I think that.
I mean, I guess this isn't directly from the friend, but her saying that her brother would say really unkind things to her throughout her childhood. I think even in I've never I've never struggled specifically with these this type of thought process of like feeling like no one would love me. But I think that I in couple therapy, I realized I had a lot of like insecurities that caused me to react to certain things in my relationship.
And I think just talking to someone and kind of like peeling back layers of where something stems from can be such a helpful thing. So I think I agree, so suggesting therapy in a way that's like, hey, I am never going to be able to fix what makes you feel insecure. I think you're so wonderful and beautiful and so lovable, and that's why i'm your friend, because I see those things in you, but I want you
to be able to see them in yourself. And I think it would be so helpful and just like uplifting for you to talk to someone who's like, who doesn't even know you.
Yeah, but I also think too, when you say it falls on deaf ears, I really don't think it does. Like I do think you should continue to encourage and support and say those nice things because like I have had thoughts like that nobody's gonna want this, and not like pointing at myself like my body and like that type of stuff, but like when I was going through date after date after date and like not working out and like different thing after different thing, like it does.
It defeats you. It makes you feel like nobody's ever gonna want this, you know, like it's obviously has to do with me. It's something with me. So I have had these thoughts, and I think that I've been able to push through them and like I would succumb to them at some points. I'm sure you've saw some of that in me, but I could pull myself out of it because I did have so many people around me in my life encouraging me and like showing me what
I really was and what I had to offer. I mean, so I feel like, don't underestimate the power of you and your other friends still saying all those things to her.
Yeah, Like, I definitely continue to be encouraging as a friend. I don't I think that she hears you. She just doesn't believe it for herself. Right, What were things that you did aside from the posts? What did you do that made you feel better or more confident?
Eating ice cream and watching Gilmore Girl did not make.
Sometimes, I think, But I don't think that made you feel I think I'm trying to think what she could do with her friend.
That would be like encouraging.
All physical activity, I think, like going on hikes. Like I leaned a lot on running for some reason, and I found a lot of Like I don't know, it wasn't I don't like running, but I like what it did for me mentally. It would like I felt like I had free, like head clarity when I would run. I felt good about myself after I ran so I just think like all of yeah, all of those things.
Yeah, well, sometimes we get so in our head.
It's like so when you run, all you can all I could think about when I work out is how miserable and uncomfortable I am. So any other thought that I went into the workout with is erased for a moment in time, and then.
Like delusional things too, like you know, like I loved clearing out space for my potential new partner and like setting a table for him at the dinner table, and like you know, just like I know sounds crazy, but like delusional stuff like that, Like I enjoyed that.
Yeah, I also, you know, writing that kind of a complicated relationship with like religion and stuff, but like my faith has always been something that I feel like give me a lot of confidence. So I don't know like where she is in that, but maybe finding worth in stuff that's not so I don't want to say vapid, but like something that's you know, based on.
I don't like, no, I get what you're saying. There's a lot out there that doesn't have to be religion based too, Like there's a lot of ted talks. There's a lot like I remember I would lean on there. I can't remember her name now, I follow her on Instagram, but she was some somebody that was in church who was kind of on the same journey as me, and she would find like her she like a butterfly thing, but it wasn't butterflies, And like, I found so much
hope in her story. So maybe if she found someone that like was kind of going through or have had the same type of feelings that she's having and then really like leaned in, like followed that person on Instagram or like read her books or whatever it is, I kind of just like lean into that hope and that that's like also a really good thing.
Yeah.
But I think you're a really good friend, and I think you care about her, and I hope that she finds peace and like love for herself that you.
See in her.
It's hard to watch people you love go through something like that that you can't physically, folks.
Yeah, Yeah, she's lucky to have a friend like you, Anonymous.
Agree, all right?
One more for also from Anonymous. As previously stated, this past week, a large group of coworkers and I traveled to an on site work meeting myself in about fifteen others proceeded to go out for a few cocktails, which is standard for these types of meetings. However, I could tell others we're drinking more heavily than normal, and so I dismissed myself. Early around three thirty am, I was woken from a commotion in the hallway and saw my boss, who was a senior leader at my company, and a
female coworker walking into her bedroom together. She is single with no kids, but he's married with kids, which makes matters so much worse. I don't believe they saw me, but now I feel like I have this huge secret that is making me feel so uncomfortable. It's obviously not my place to get involved from a personal perspective, but how do I proceed professionally? Do I act like I didn't see anything. Do we move on as if everything is normal. I had also went to wanting to ensure
my coworker didn't feel pressured or forced. With him being a senior leader, I work with both often. I don't know how to look past this. I also have a one on one meeting with him next week, and I'm already uncomfortable thinking about it. I've been a Day one listener and appreciate all the laps over the years. Thank you guys so much. You love to hear you feedback.
Ooh, yis yikes, this is a TV show a movie.
So the picture realized that I would give and then when you like, put it in your own context of your own life. I don't know if I could execute.
Okay, let's put it in the context of your own life.
You see Syany with Oryan.
Into a room. What do you do?
That's a perfect analog, I know, but I just can't picture it. But let me try.
Okay, go deep, go deep.
I would have to say something to her.
What would you say?
It was three thirty in the morning and I saw you walk into the bedroom with him. I'm uncomfortable with this information. I just needed to let you know that I know. And that's it, no, honestly, because then it puts it on them because then they know that you don't know and they saw, so then that's on them.
Like can you please don't say anything to anyway?
Please?
I can give you that, but I can't assure you that other people didn't see what I saw, because there was I saw other people around. Just say that I saw other people around in the hallway.
But what if she she didn't say that, Well.
Now she can say that, so I can say, I can give you my word that I'm not going to say anything, but I can't assure you that I'm the only one that saw something. So I just wanted to just let you know. And that's it, because then it puts it on them, because I what I don't think you should do is like go tell the other person's husband or wife. Yeah, just getting involved in that way feels not the move. But if you put it on them that you saw, you're not threatening to go tell anyone.
You're not threatening to go tell anyone at work, but you're putting them on alert. You're giving them that eye emojis.
You're also not insinuing anything because I don't want to like defend what's happening here.
But right, she could have followed him in the room and gotten a hair tie left.
There have been times where I've traveled with coworkers they could have and lent someone my phone charger. Yeah, and had to go and get the charger and then immediately le Right, you know that this could be It's probably not, but it could be innocent.
I don't know.
It could be, and I hope for everyone's saying that that's the case, that she was just needing a hairtyie from her male boss who always has hair ties on hand.
I use hair type as as the only I could think of, but Easan was better with the charger. Yeah.
I love the idea of just saying, here's my only here's my question.
Though, what if you tell siciny and then she goes Ryan Tania knows about us, and he's like, we got to get rid of her.
Oh my god.
I was just fired from my job.
Because I listen to your advice.
Shot, are you guys hiring? I think you stay silent, Just stay silent and let karma do its thing.
I think it's work.
I think it's uncomfortable, but like it's like just you don't know what happened. You don't want to get involved, Like the last thing you want to do is get involved, and unfortunately you were the one that saw it.
But I just think that you set yourself up for putting your position want to get.
In professionally, gosh, I mean, let this be a lesson that when everybody's heavily drinking, you just keep drinking as well, so you just pass out for the whole night and you don't see anything after the hours of midnight. You just pass out and you pass out hard.
You know what.
Let me a lesson to it, shall I think the lesson if.
I could, if I were her and I could go back. I think if I could do this, I'd go. If I saw them, I'd be like.
Hey, guys, what three three in the morning.
Yeah, I'd make it be known. Yeah, hey, or you'll just getting back look like it's fine. Yeah, let him know in that moment, and then that's it. That's it. You didn't do anything wrong.
Yeah, I was just checking for my room service.
Yeah, yeah, that's a that's a really unfortunate situation. I think the best thing that you can do, it's just not just so that was.
My initial That's always my initial advice is just stay out. I always say stay out of it. But then when you put in the context of my own life, I'm like, I couldn't see her every day and just sit here like, you know, I think I could.
I mean, the only the only other advice I'd say other than staying out of it is to have a comation with your coworker and say like, hey, just to be totally transparent. I wait, I saw y'all come home, and I saw you go into his room.
I don't.
I just, oh my gosh, it's just I don't know what happened. I know, That's what I'm saying. I think your best bet is to say.
Out of it getting a job. This just seems like a bad environment. Honestly, I don't think.
So I think just let this be work and don't have a like don't let like.
I know, but sometimes like you work, you go to your work to work. Your work is your life, you know, Like I get it. It's not your life, but it's like you're you go to work every day like it does bleed into you know. And if you're uncomfortable and these people are like cheating and like not great people, like don't I don't know.
Yeah, but I'm saying, don't you have a personal relationships outside of work with your with sisany like you have you have friendships with them outside of work. I don't know if these are those types of friends. So I'm saying, if they're not, then let work be work, and personally like, don't, don't I don't have personal relationships with these people?
If you don't already.
Could that be a lesson to us all?
Don't have personal relationship?
Keep drinking if you remember, remember, keep drinking and don't see anything you shouldn't see.
Yeah, great advice.
Yeah, thank you.
I think we should end on that one. Yeah, so good, good luck to everyone.
We always love having dear Bonia questions, So keep them coming, keep them coming, and we'll keep the advice rolling.
Roll and roll and roll and rolling, rolling like a river. No, what is that corn? Keep rolling?
Roll and roll and rolling, roll and roll and roll and rolling.
I remember that.
Yeah that was a big Yeah, big biscuits.
We learned something new about to corn. You're a big corn fan.
Backwards k or backwards are backwards? Are correct?
So yeah, you were just like John may Or, Shakira Corn and lumb biscuit.
That's right. Wow about an identity crisis.
You're finding yourself. Yeah, we love you so much.
You love y'all.
Have a great week and hope all of your problems disappear on the weekend.
Yes, I love you so much, Love you.
Bye.